How on earth can I prove to my WH that I love him and dont want to ruin his life and that theres no hidden motives behind the things I do?

I sent him an email asking him not to read into everything I do and say, that I'll love him no matter how he feels about me and that I'm not out to make him look bad. He responded by saying he didnt believe me.

What is this?

How should I take it and how do I respond?
I really want to know what exactly he thinks I think of him, and what he really thinks of me. What does he think I'm doing?
Theres seems to be nothing I can do accept keep on doing what I do. I cant make him believe or accept my love and honesty. I dont understand this.

Dancer

<small>[ July 05, 2002, 06:21 PM: Message edited by: Dancer ]</small>

Dancer<p>I don't think I can be much help to you as I don't know your story. There could be many reasons for your H's state of mind. I could list several but they are all dependant on who is the BS and who is the WS.<p>However, I think you answered your question yourself. You can't really do anything to make him believe you. Don't LB. Be consistant in what you do and say. Other than that I cannot offer any advise. Sorry.<p>Regretting

The only thing you can do is continue your Plan A. Either he will believe that you have made changes in your life or he won't, but in the end you are not making changes for him, you are making them for you.<p>Give him time to go through the things that he needs to go through and in the end my bet is that he will see that you really are a new and improved Dancer!<p>Hang in there.
Sinking

Dancer - he is projecting onto you his guilt and shortcomings. He is blame shifting in an attempt to avoid looking critically at himself.<p>Take this to the bank: In affairs, culprits abound except in the mirror.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Dancer:
<strong>How should I take it and how do I respond?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>This will be one of the hardest things for you to accept, but it's perhaps the single most important thing you can do: do not take any of this personally and do not respond in any way other than you've already done.

Dancer,
I agree with WAT; this is almost 100% projection of their own guilt and doubts.<p>In order to lower thier level of guilt at knowing they're doing something wrong, all kinds of justifications are created in the mind of the WS. Mostly, these are exagerations of all the "wrongs" their BSs have commited.<p>Also, I believe, since they have lied, cheated, hidden, things for so long, they assume you must be doing the same. It becomes part of their daily routine, and they "justify" it by thinking that everyone is the same, therefore, "My BS must be out to hurt me" becomes part of the thinking.<p>I think this is especially true once the A has been discovered; the WS just cannot imagine the BS being understanding and forgiving..."they must be looking for ways to punish me, hurt me, I can't trust them"<p>And one of the most difficult things to understand about these situations is just that; that the BS must "earn" the trust of the WS before the WS is willing to admit, accept, work on the M, or whatever phase you happen to be in...for me it has been one of the most troubling and difficult things to deal with.<p>Hang in there, be patient, Plan A big time...read a lot; the more you understand about how WSs feel and think, and the anti-logic behind it all, the easier it'll be to deal with this, and it'll help you give them the understanding they will need as they enter into recovery.<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: Spacecase ]</p>

Unfortunately I gave him reason to not trust me yesterday. I contacted a friend (out of the blue I guess) thats mainly his friend and works with her, and asked to catch up. I dont even know what my motives were accept to just catch up. He was furious with me and asked if he could trust me to not say anything about our marriage etc. I ended up calling her back and cancelling a dinner arrangement. Its just not worth it. I really didnt think hed be this upset but in hindsite I can see why.

I feel like Ive really messed up, put another nail in my coffin, back to square one. But what can i do?

Although I think I'm getting better at not LBing etc, I still manage to do things occassionally that really tick him off and I look back and wonder why I ever did those things in the first place. I do a billion right things and the one wrong thing overshadows it all.

Dancer

<small>[ July 05, 2002, 06:23 PM: Message edited by: Dancer ]</small>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Dancer:
<strong>He was furious with me and asked if he could trust me to not say anything about our marriage etc.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>OF COURSE he was furious with you!!! You were treading into his fantasy world!! You're not allowed!! You're "public enemy number ONE"!!!<p>Dancer, seriously, this is SO, SO, SO, SO typical. And, as is also typical, you're falling for it.<p>Please re-read my previous response to you. He is successfully shifting guilt to you. I know it's hard to accept, but this is EXACTLY why I keep decribing these creatures as alien abductees. Their brains have been scrambled and BSs fall for the trap - every time - of trying to deal with them as if they were "normal." They are in a complex state of confusion, rationalization, and selfishness. Please, please, please try to accept that you ARE NOT responsible for this guilt projection and you ARE normal. When presented with absurd information, over and over, it's NORMAL for rational people to begin to doubt themselves. This is because rational people are willing to question themselves - willing to look in the mirror. Your WS has lost this capability for now. He's painted over all the mirrors in his life and the only way he can deal with his internal confusion is to cast blame outwardly. The recipients of this blame shifting are usually the ones closest to them.<p>Once you get over this hump and accept this, you will be a LOT better.<p>WAT

Boy oh boy... I can really understand how you feel. My H came home 3 times ... and LEFT 4 times!!! Each time, I felt like I didn't do something right.. or I did something WRONG. Of course!! I'm not perfect. <p>It took lots of hard work (reading, praying, time, etc.) to realize it wasn't ME. I could have been a perfect Harley robot and done Plan A as if Steve was telling me what to do inch by inch, and it STILL would not have mattered. <p>It's not about you.<p>It's about him.<p>Please come here and vent about it - you are perfectly normal for feeling this way. <p>Next time you LB, apologize, make sure you understand why he's upset, and move forward. <p>If he chooses to bury the marriage, that's his choice. You can't save it on your own. You are willing to do what it takes, and would be much easier with cooperation from him. You are responsible for YOU, and your behavior and attitudes. You can't be responsible for him. <p>You asked:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>How on earth can I prove to my WH that I love him and dont want to ruin his life and that theres no hidden motives behind the things I do? <hr></blockquote><p>You can't. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] All you can do is tell him, demonstrate the best Dancer you can be, and let him have the choice to see it or not. You can't prove anything if he's not willing to see it. <p>Did you see my latest post? My XH just called me and apologized for everything, and complimented and admired me for my strenght and growth. He sees NOW the good things I did in the marriage, and sees NOW the changes I made in myself. He couldn't see it while he was in the fog (affair).<p>Just be the best you can be, and let him see it for himself, if he chooses to. <p>{{{{DANCER}}}}} Hang in there. you can do this. You're doing great!

Wat is right. <p>Your H is projecting his own guilt on you. If he can make himself be the good guy, then you must be the bad guy.<p>Don't react to his putting you down and haranguing you. I'm not sure that ending friendships over these antics is the right thing to do either.<p>Live your life and Plan A him when he is around.<p>You are dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. So do as you please.