I'm really struggling against wanting to do something that is probably not healthy. The OW in my case was an extremely close (or so I thought) friend. I loved her. My daughter loved her. It's been hard for me to lose her, even though it's her fault. Why I miss her is beyond me.<p>Husband has cut off contact, and she has promised me that she won't contact him. I haven't had contact with her, either. <p>Things are moving in the right direction for us...I'm plan A-ing, H is being very affectionate. But he doesn't want to talk details about the A, and there are some things I just want to know. I could be patient and wait until he wants to talk about it (although who knows when that might be and then I'd have to relive it all) OR I could ask OW now. She said she'd tell me anything/do anything to make this easier on me (alas, she could've not done it in the first place---would have been SOOO much easier). It just feels like then I could get all my wondering over with AND maybe make her realize that this hurts me really bad and that she is the lowest of the low for doing this to me. I honestly think that she thinks that now that H told me and ended it that I can just "get on with my life." I'd like her to know that I think about it every day, that I can't sleep, that I cry for no apparent reason, that I can't eat, etc...<p>This is probably not a good idea, right???

Dani,<p>I wouldn't contact the OW. Although she may be able to answer your questions, this would open new wounds. She doesn't have any allegience to you. She may not be completly truthful. Your best bet is to get all of that information from your H.
I had been on an information hunt for months so I knew a lot of the gory details. They gave me nightmares. Looking back, I know that some information is necessary and the rest just makes it harder to heal. I'd call looking for too many intimate details a morbid curiousity. I know how sickening the whole thing is. It's so very hard to grasp the magnitude of what has just happened. It's all consuming and you feel lost in it. I'm sorry. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
It took me several months to get all the answers I needed from my H. He said that he was willing to answer any that I had but when it came down to it, you could tell that it was a very uncomfortable situation. My guess is that your H is not ready to deal with what he has done to you. Make a list of the questions you want answered. See if he will give you a written reply so that he doesn't have to do it face to face. It was easier for us to get the harder questions answered that way. Also, decide that once you have your questions answered that you don't keep going back for more of the little details of the A. Ask what is necessary for your healing.<p>If it will help, here is a list of some of the questions that I found most helpful. I already knew enough of the "details".
1. How long was the relationship? When did it start and when was termination?
2. Did you use protection? Does she have any diseases? Did she ever get pregnant?
3. Did you promise her anything?
4. Did you give her money or support her financially?<p>I had an idea of the answers but was actually suprised by the response to one or two of questions. It did help me feel better and I think he was glad to be rid of the guilt of holding some of that in.<p>Hope that helps you. The pain does lessen with time. I have just gotten to the 2 year mark in recovery and can tell you that most days are good. It will happen for you too, given time.

I think that I just want to know exactly when the relationship moved from EA to PA. And if they ever had sex in our bed. I'm sure that they did in our house, garage, vehicles, etc. She told me that it was mainly when they took car rides together. I was there the whole time, thought EA was just a "friendship." Never suspected anything else. She is a step-cousin of his; so an A never occured to me cuz I thought they viewed each other as cousins. It sickens me. I want to know if they thought about me while it was happening, or just blocked it out.<p>I talked to OW at least twice a week, e-mailed her, etc. Considered her one of my best friends. Confided in her about my marriage and other things. Told her things that no one else knows. Then I found out. How could she have smiled, laughed, cried with me and never let on that she was having an A with my H? How could he have handled it that I considered her such a good friend? At times, I was the one who initiated visits with her and her family (she lives 4 hrs. away) because I wanted to see her, and we had such fun, etc.<p>I am so f***ing hurt and mad, and the bad part is that not only do I feel hurt and scared that I'll lose my husband, some sick part of me misses her, too. If I'm having withdrawal from her, what the hell is my husband thinking?<p>What kind of a screwed up individual am I?

Bumpin' this up...someone help me here...

up

Dani,
Im new here, been reading a lot and trying really hard. I am sorry that you lost your friend, that would make it worse. Just do the best you can for you each and everyday. I am about 6 months into this, i am starting to feel better about me and my future with or with out wh. You will to, its been really slow, somedays i really blow it, others i do ok -
IF you are going thru hell - keep going , Winston Churchill
I pray that the others i have been reading are right that it does get better.
hugs for you
s

Thanks for the support, cloudyday. It helps just to know someone cares...

bumpin' it up again...<p>I'm signin' off until tomorrow, but if anyone tonite can think of anything to help me w/this situation, I'd be grateful...thanks...

You will have to allow yourself time for the dust to settle. If your H is back with you consider yourself fortunate. <p>Work on bettering yourself and your M. For you and your family. Allow your H to do the same. Counseling for both as a couple may be a good thing. <p>As for your feelings toward the OW, beaware that at some point your current pain may turn to hate. So get with a counselor to help them through this period. <p>There was a poster where the OW was a foster type child they had taken in. She was a young adult that her H had an A with. The BS had felt like a big sister/mother figure to this OW. Can you imagine how hard that was. It went on right under her nose in her own home. <p>The point is that you have to realize you can not make the OP do what you want. But you can control and direct yourself. <p>Take Care,
L.