This is my first time actually posting. I have been reading and lurking for about 2 1/2 years now. This site is so helpful to alot of people and especially me. I have read everything including Surviving the Affair.
My problem is this. My husband and I dated for over 12 years and then we got married in October of 1999. I found out before the marriage that he had an affair with someone for over a year. He said he broke it off and we went to counseling and later got married. I found out later that while we were married and I was pregnant he was still seeing this woman. Again we went to counseling, now here we are almost 3 years from when we got married and I find out he is still in contact with her. I was so hurt and upset when I initially found out in 1999, but I have no more tears left. I am tired and I am tired of the lies. I will always love him, besides being a cheater he is a good provider for his children and me. He doesn't know that I know yet, but I am going to talk to him later. I will definitely not do any LB's, but I dont know how this can be worked out when he continues to see this same woman, this has been going on for over 4 years now. I dont deserve this and I have a 22 month old daughter that loves her daddy. I would never take her from him, but he really needs to leave the house, if he wants to be with her. I dont think I have any fight left in me. He also has two older boys that live with us that are not by me. They goto school and live with us full time, if we get separated or he moves out, what happens to them? I will definitely let them stay with me if they want to I have known them almost their whole life, they are 16 and 15 , but I dont know what to do about my husband. This wasn't a one night stand, he apparently has feelings for this woman, I am hurt, sad and depressed, but I feel like I dont have a choice but to start PLAN B, directly.<p>Someone please help.<p>I have really come to love people like Orchids, J.R., and Resilients post you all are great, can you give me some advice.<p>Thanks

Hey there, just wanted you to know your post has been read...I didn't have any insight for you earlier so I passed up posting, but thought maybe atleast some acknowledgment might be in order.<p>I hope the others see and can offer better thoughts. Take care!!

MBB:<p>It does sound like you've, in effect, been doing plan A for at least the 2.5 years you've been lurking at this site. <p>Can I ask how you know your H is still having an A? Is it an EA or a PA? (not that that's all that important). Do you know details? Will you "compromise" your source of information by telling your H? This is only important if you feel you need to keep tabs on him. It doesn't actually sound like you feel the need at this point, however. <p>You should probably get C'ing for yourself, and ask advice there about plan B (or separation). Can you support yourself? If you decide to separate, you may find his kids will be able to make the "right" choice as to who to live with during the separation. In any case, you should also work out visitation rights for both of you and all the kids. <p>Sorry you had to come here for advice, but definitely welcome! This site has been my salvation the past 4 months!

So sorry for your painful situation.<p>Start keeping a daily thought journal. Do this to empty your mind, to brainstorm your ideas to yourself, and to vent your feelings. I used my journal daily after D-day, and the thing is, very gradually I discovered some "truths" about myself through my writing/thinking.<p>This may seem like a small thing ... but really, we do get ourselves healed by very small baby steps.<p>I highly recommend a journal. It will help you keep yourself on track when your mind gets confused by the rollercoaster.<p>Please let us know what happends when you have your talk with him.<p>God bless.<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Thank you so much for your replys. I talked with him yesterday and the woman that he was seeing before we got married and while we have been married moved out of town to Iowa about a year ago, and now she is back. He told me he saw her at KMart and took down her number even though he shouldn't have. He said he thinks she has been back for three months and he says he has only talked to her. Nothing physical. He says that he wants to work on the marriage and that he loves and cares about me. One of our main problems which is partly my fault is that I dont satisfy his main Emotional Needs. He told me he feels like I dont find him attractive, am not attentive to him, and I dont touch him and let him know I care. He does have some valid points even though there is no excuse for what he did, there are some things I know that I need to work on, but I dont think I have the energy to change, because I dont think I will ever be able to trust him again. <p>I dont believe that he has had sex with her, but if more time had worn on he probably would have. He told me he wants me to be his best friend and the only person he talks to, but he gets soo lonely and he told me in his mind he wanted to get caught, he is miserable and depressed. Right now he is in school full time and I am the only source of income. I make enough money to pay all of the bills but it is still very stressful, because we have a small child and his two sons are there and something is always coming up and it has been pretty tight financially. <p>I think I will start to keep a journal. That is an excellent idea. But besides that I dont know what to do. I have done good by not LB. We are very cordial with each other. I am past the hate and crying, I am just numb, he doesn't want to leave and I really don't know if I want him to stay.<p>Thanks for reading.

MBB:<p>Sounds like you both have your work cut out for you if you want to stay M'd. It is good that you recognize ENs you're not meeting for him, as well as his concerns over his own temptations to go to this OW for meeting them. It is reassuring that he doesn't seem to want to have them met by her, though , but by you. Getting into Cing would be a good next step. I bet he would make the time for it, too. <p>Good luck to you. This will still be difficult, but it certainly is possible to rekindle the feelings you had for your H and he for you.

Ahhh well...while I agree there are probably emotional needs the two of you could better meet for each other...it also sounds like maybe he needs to do some emotional growing and learn how to meet his OWN needs to an extent. I used to do that SAME THING, I'd get very lonely and bored, and guess who got the blame? But over the last couple of years I've learned new skills and come to realize that I'm the one responsible for my own happiness. I haven't felt alone since! I guess I finally befriended MYSELF and when I have myself as a friend, there's always someone there. There ya go...suggest getting a split personality instead of contacting the OW...LOL!<p>Seriously...you could touch him here, kiss him there, and talk his ear off....but if he's not receptive to it, it will do no good. I wonder if this woman is following him? Is there any way YOU (your family) could leave to get away from her and not have her find out where?<p>As far as having the energy...think about how much energy it will take to run your household by yourself...to shuffle kids between the two of you. The thing I found the MOST difficult to deal with was part-time parenting. Although I certainly NEED a break now and then...the thought of splitting holidays and having days away...ouchie. If you are really emotionally drained...maybe some low dosage anti-depressants for a short time might help you out.<p>Maybe if hubby sees YOU motivated...he'd have more fight as well. Take care!

Thank you 2Long and Hope4Future. You are right, It is going to be tough to make this marriage work. My husband says that he wants the marriage to work and he wants to be with me, but I dont think that I can trust him. He has had an EA/PA with this woman off and on for 4 years now. All the lies, one minute they dont talk then when he gets lonely he calls her. <p>I ask him without anger, if that is where you want to be and you aren't happy with me then just go and be with her, but he says he doesn't want to be with her, he just knows that when he calls her she will be attentive and listen to him, but he doesn't love her. I can't take anymore, I think it will just be easier to be alone. I dont have any fight left in me. I plan A'd really hard the first time I found out about the affair. We really worked on our marriage, but I believe that there is something missing within him and he isn't going to get what he needs from me or the OW until he figures out what is wrong with himself, and with all that I have been through with him and her, I dont think I should have to wait for him to figure it out, if he hasn't figured it out in four years he never will.

Hi MBB,<p>Your story is pretty familiar... an A before marriage, and now a problem during M... know all about that. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Anyhow, there are some positives to look at... his seeming desire to remain in the M and "make it work" - at least in words. His actions, mind you, are not exactly following like we'd all hope [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'm no expert (hmm, if you can afford it, you might consider talking to SH or JH), but I do know the standard line... Plan A/B. I also realize something fairly new (for me)... that Plan A is great to help yourself - but that part of helping yourself is by making yourself CLEAR, HONEST, OPEN and STRONG.<p>Many times WS's have their filters set to only hear what they want to... and yes, sometimes it is best to just let them humm along in fantasy land - because we sane people [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] can't do a lot about it. BUT... Is it fair in a sense to start making decisions about your entire M future, by remaining silent with your thoughts, fears, feelings and pain? I think that's were clear and open communication can be important.<p>As for being honest and strong... it's becoming obvious to me that's important also. It's not just that "Love Must Be Tough" philosophy... it's about defending yourself - smartly. Defending yourself by saying over and over "Yeah but..." isn't what I mean. It's more about having boundaries that protect your well-being. And for me at least, Plan A has transformed over time, from being quiet, listening carefully, accepting her anger willingly and trying to meet her EN... to now being much more "okay, we're peers here, remember? we're married, remember? I'm not going to take this forever, remember? I don't NEED you, although I prefer to work on us... remember?"

MsBooBoo,<p>We all can sympathize with you at this Forum. We all are going through similar things like you. <p>After D-day and before I decided to work out things with my wife, I took off of work to think hard about why I would want to make my marriage work. I knew that for me to get through all of this I would have to pinpoint why. I decided I was very much in love with my wife and looking at other women I had met over the years she had all of the qualities of a woman I desired. This was very important for me because many times I wonder, Why should I work this out and I want to leave. What keeps me in my marriage is remembering the reasons I came up with the first day after D-day.<p>Have you read Dr. Harley's book SAA and His needs Her needs? I recommend these books as a minimum. They have saved my life!!!<p>In all of this, I see very positive things about your H. He sounds very responsive. Take the EN tests and try to get out of him what he wants in the M and what he wants in live. Being a man, I know that I can hold many things in and not talk about them. I guess most of us men just hate to talk about feelings. Try to pull out of him what is bothering him and what he needs out of life. Maybe there is something inside he is holding back. Try to be open.<p>Good luck with all of this. <p>Right now my WW has gone to get her hair cut. I know the place she gets her haircut is right down the road from the OM's office. She added that she probably would be late because she is going to go down the road to get some coffee. I have a feeling I know who with. I have decided I will not bring this up, because I know it is a LB. I have decided that she is going to do what she is going to do and there is nothing I can do about it. I am going to try to enjoy my time with her, like I did in the past, and forgive her daily for hurting me so much.<p>Keep posting on this forum. It is a real great outlet.