WARNING: My recent efforts at communication have taken place after more than 3 solid months of ZERO angry outbursts, ZERO disrespectful judgments, and ZERO selfish demands by either myself or my spouse. I do not advise initiating conversation about the A and/or the M if you have not yet eliminated LBs from the way you relate to your WS and/or your WS is continuing the A/contact with the OP, or is otherwise still very foggy in his/her thinking (thus very likely to LB you). Always get the LBs under control before attempting to tackle any other marital issues.<p>The first thing I've "discovered" (which likely had been pointed out to me numerous times by the more experienced [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ) is to start very, very, very small and go very, very, very slowly (think baby steps). My tendency in the past when tackling a problem issue between us is thinking that we had to get it resolved immediately, and we would end up in marathon discussions that would usually escalate into arguments and would at least exhaust us both, if not LB us both into alienation that might last days, weeks, or months.<p>The progress I've made over the last couple of weeks may seem small, but to me it is major progress to get even ONE of the steps of our communication-problem/conflict-avoidance dance going in a different direction. The first time I was able to safely traverse the communication-about-our-marital-issues waters happened by accident, but I don't see why it couldn't be a method used purposefully.<p>I was sharing my feelings about a friend's marital problems with my H and how I was frustrated that after reading so many books about marriage over the last year and feeling like I might have something to offer in the way of a book or other suggestion, she seemed determined to leave things as they were with no emotional connection between her and her H (the roommates situation many of us have lived) and tried to convince me that she was happy with the way things were, this said with her voice cracking and tears in her eyes. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Shortly into this, I realized that I was actually talking to him in an at-ease kind of way about the MB basic concepts and how sad it was that the solution to restoring romantic love is really a simple process once you understand it, and sharing specific examples of things I was learning from the book I'm currently reading--
Give & Take. Talking about the MB concepts in relation to a friend's situation took the edge off of it enough for me to be relaxed when talking about it.<p>Another incident happened while something on TV triggered me. A woman was answering a question about why she didn't talk to her H about their marital problems BEFORE she had an A. As I sat there listening to the typical WS whine about how she tried so many times, but the BS just wouldn't listen, etc., I said OUT LOUD [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] "Seems like people always say that, but in all that trying it never seems to occur to them to try telling their spouse, 'I'm so unhappy I'm thinking about having an affair.' That's what I wish YOU had done."<p>His only response was a nervous chuckle, but I left it right there and didn't take it any further because we had both safely stayed away from LBs. The elephant had been poked, and we both had acknowledged its presence, so I forced myself to be satisfied with that and not ask all the related "Why?" questions. I reassured myself that all of those are safely anchored in my journal and I can go back to them at a later time if need be.<p>After my previous success of actually being able to talk about
Give & Take and what I'm learning from it, I was encouraged enough to touch on the subject again a few days later. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I was reading G&T one night and noticing the order of presentation with POJA being first (we had already discussed POJA back in the early days shortly after D-day), followed by the Rule of Protection and LBs. So, the first "assignment" in that book is the LB Questionnaire. I was feeling positive enough to suggest that we both do that.<p>But before I said anything, I remembered that he had started reading
Fall in Love, Stay in Love, and I was curious how that book might differ in the presentation of POJA and the 4 rules. I asked my H to hand it to me, and he teased and said, "I'M reading that book! You can't have it." I assured him I just wanted to check something and I'd give it right back.<p>I looked at the table of contents and the questionnaires and worksheets and compared them to G&T, and then it occurred to me to make the same comparison with SAA, also on my nightstand. As I was evaluating the 3 books, I realized in the back of my mind I was comparing them to see which one would be best to suggest that we read and apply together.<p>So, I spoke my conclusion OUT LOUD [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] : "You know, all of these discuss the same basic concepts and foundations for marriage building, the differences being the approach and different examples and applications of the principles, and they each have a different combination of worksheets and questionnaires. My suggestion is that we each finish reading the book we're on and then read this one [SAA] together since it applies everything specifically to our situation." He didn't give a specific response--my best translation is, "Mmmmm", but I was happy about what I managed to do.<p>Last night we were watching "Frasier", and it was filled with psychological stuff about fear of rejection and Frasier processing his problem with maintaining a long-term R with a woman. The conclusion was that his fear of rejection caused by the abandonment of his mother (through death), followed by all 3 of his wives leaving him, had led him to not allow himself to fall in love with or stay attached to a woman with whom he could have a viable long-term R because of the risk of yet another abandonment.<p>Once again, actually out loud, I said, "Honey, do you think that might be what happened to us, that you did me before I could do you?" (He was the BS in his previous M's.) His answer: "Maybe." And once again, I left it at that.<p>And my H has also recently made some forays into communication in his own way. Once while watching TV and he was picking on me by poking me and messing my hair up and other irritating things, after telling him to stop it numerous times, I finally said, "Why on earth do you keep on picking on me like that?" He said, "I'm not getting enough attention from you." May not seem like much, but for him to actually verbally admit he needs and wants attention from me is a big step in the right direction.<p>I don't remember the exact circumstances, but also recently he made the statement, "I'm not getting enough love." And I know this wasn't about sex because in the last few months my libido has been greater than his, so I took it to mean he needs more affection. So, while he isn't yet REQUESTING what he needs, he is at least complaining out loud instead of just condemning me for not reading his mind.<p>In light of these recent statements by him, I approached him last night when we went to bed, and asked him, "What would you like me to do or stop doing to help you feel more loved?" H: "What do you mean?" Me: "Recently you said you weren't getting enough love, so I want to do something about that." H: "When did I say that?" Me: "Sometime in the last couple days." H: "I don't remember, I must have been kidding around." Me: "Well, think about it just in case, and let me know if you'd like me to do something differently." H: "Everything's fine." Me: "I'm trying to learn how to talk about these kinds of things, so I want to be sure to address it if anything like that comes up."<p>So, that's the view of our progress at 7 months after D-day and I believe 3 months of no contact with the OW. I hope it's encouraging to those of you still in the worst of the pain. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Oh yeah, I also recently discovered that my H has been watching Dr. Phil on Oprah on Tuesday nights! [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] So don't rule out the possibility of your spouse doing something they've never done before or you thought they would never do.<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>
