D-day for me was a year after the EA had ended, although he still worked with her up until she quit last month.<p>It feels confusing to me that I'm dealing with something that happened long ago and that I had no idea it was going on at the time. When I think back I remember odd little occurrences but nothing major and they obviously didn't spend much time alone together because he was always with me and the kids. It's confusing to me how to deal with my emotions. I had no clue, none at all and now that I know I still don't understand. <p>I sure could use some advice. Is anyone else dealing with an A that ended before they knew about it?

Tiny, Unfortunately I understand exactly how you're feeling. As you can see my H had an A back in 1998. It started in July and ended in November. D-day for me was 3/7/02. <p>What a very strange experience it has been. We're in counseling with SH; who is helping us understand the uniqueness of our situation. My H never had any intention of telling me about his A. And now that it has been so long ago he seemed to think it wouldn't be a big deal. I don't know how to setup links; but I have posted my story on Just Found Out. Let me know what if anything I can do to help. I feel I am still so new at this that I'm not sure what I have to offer most posters; in addition since the A was so long ago it's strange.<p>Fortunately both of us want to save our M and are going through the MB process to do it. So far so good. <p>Another point is that my MIL just arrived for several days; so I won't be able to be as active on the boards; but I'll check on this thread as often as I can in case you have any questions I can help you with! CSue

I didn't find out about my W's affair until it ended in the MM's death by an scuba diving accident. When I found out how badly she was grieving and was planning on suddenly flying to his funeral (this was an internet EA that turned PA at some point).<p>So I'm trying to figure out how to deal with it and just getting started. I plan on setting up a counseling session but have more reading to do. My W isn't on board yet, but I guess I'm getting ready for Plan A.<p>Is you and your H working together on this? My W isn't doing much about it yet, but hopefully soon I will be able to convince her we need help.<p>Best wishes

TinyDancer,<p>I found out about both of my wife's affairs after they were over. The first time I found out about a year and a half after it ended. The second time I found out about it two months after it was over. My wife told me both times (they were nine years apart). The second time hurt especially more than the first, and I know all about those terrible emotions you are feeling now. <p>Like you, looking back I can notice odd occurances or things that at the time didn't seem quite right and couldn't put a handle on. Then after it all came out I realized I wasn't crazy after all. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>But, you are actually in a more fortunate position than the many other betrayed spouses that are here who are still struggling with an affair that hasn't ended yet. You and your husband have a great opportunity (and chance) for full restoration of your marriage. Try your best to channel your energies into that, and use the resources and concepts that are available here to help you.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>-HD

TD:<p>I guess my sitch falls under this category. My
W's 11-year A was really 2 As with the same OM, the first about 11 (now almost 12) years ago, and occasionally physical for a couple of years, and the second about a year long and ending last November or so. Only physical 2 times this past "go around." I found out in January. If I hadn't, things between us may have continued to improve (they had been for about a month) but since I didn't know why they were improving, I couldn't have prevented another "flareup" happening down the line, and I never would have had the closeness with my W that I feel we're getting toward now. In truth, since I found out, I've been able, very, very gradually, to convince HER that she's still in an EA with OM, though I guess it's been in sort of a "remission" since D-day. She just this morning has really started to realize what she risked losing and what she had "done" to our R by having this A. I won't try to get myself "off the hook" by any means for the problems within our M that are my responsibility, but it's finally looking like I can put the energy I've been spending on plan A and "helping" the A to die (not proactively, as that is her choice) into rebuilding our M. It will be very hard work, but I actually find myself anxiously awaiting the next conversation with my W! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>This M stuff is hard work, and I've neglected my responsibilities for far too long. It's time to roll up my sleeves and get my hands dirty! Good, clean dirt, though!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Tiny, Part of the problem for me is that the A ended 4 years ago; so I've had to go back in time to 4 years ago and heal forward. I absolutely had no clue prior to D-day that an A had happened. Of course looking back I can see some of the signs.<p>He said that he had the A because he felt that since he would never be found out; that it was a fix to get his needs met. He said he felt tremendously guilty the 1st time; however there was an addictive quality about it that enabled him to have sex with her on 4-5 separate occassions. After the sex he said he couldn't get out of her house fast enough; it made him physically sick. <p>Realizing that the A wasn't the answer to our marriage problems; he (what I thought was out of the blue) said he wanted to go to MC in November 1998. We attended MC for 1 month before he ended the A. The A never came up in the 2 years we were in counseling.<p>On D-day he sat me down; and told me...& here I am; obsessively studying MB to see if I can make sense out of all of this. CSue

Csue,
I found out years later. I'll write more in the morning. The feelings you have are very normal, you feel as if it just happened and are questioning the validity of the last few years. For him it is dead and buried, he has dealt with it and has gone on. How and why did he confess? YOu will work through this, and I hope he is supportive, that will benefit you both.

Well, this is something that happened to a co-worker friend of mine. Her live-in boyfriend of 14-years died while at the OW's home! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] (heart attack) My friend had NO IDEA he was cheating on her until his demise revealed the A. She had to grieve his death and his cheating simultaneously ... it was so very difficult for her. My friend did all the funeral arrangements ... and the OW showed up at the funeral ... [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] ... and to make matters worse, the OW's sister is a famous movie star who also came to the funeral (both uninvited) .... and there was paparazzi following the famous sister. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It was freakin' awful !<p>I think finding out about the A after it is over still hurts like a grenade thrown into your heart .... But, it makes the recovery different, I would think, because the WS is presumably finished their withdrawl.<p>Thanks for the subject.<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

smfc, I'm not sure I completely buy why my H told me about the A. At this time I suspect another D-day possibly about a more recent A. However we are counseling with SH and my H has been very supportive. He is completing the recover plan that SH has coached him on.<p>The how he told me is simply this. He said he needed to talk with me about something. It seemed to me that it was probably something about our children. I wasn't alarmed until his first sentence. "Four years ago I had an affair that lasted four months". Blew me out of the water! I immediately needed to know who it was with. He told me that he promised her 4 years ago that if he was ever faced with having to tell me her name he would "warn" her first. So with that he left the room, went outside and called her on his cell phone. <p>I have a real problem with that. He felt that he had to live up to his "commitment" to tell at the expense of leaving me alone after launching such devastating news. We're going to have to deal with that issue alone as we go through the process. I struggle every day to do as SH coaches me to do which is "don't be my H's coach". and No LB...<p>Pepper, what happened to your friend sounds terrible; I can't imagine. You are also correct on the withdrawal I think in my case; however my H has had a 20 friendship with the OW; and they continued to see each other occassionally at work up until he told me about the A. We had to send a no contact letter. She tried to get a hold of twice after the no contact letter; but he never responded so he says. <p>I have run into her occassionaly about town; and suspect I will again. Just this morning I was trying to make a mental plan as to what I would say and do in case this happens. I want to be prepared to do something that is respectful of me; and not be the "deer caught in the headlights". Because that feeling will make me angry; and I worry what I might say or do if angry when I see her. Hmmmmm...<p>This is a great subject; I appreciate Tiny starting it! Thanks, CSue

Csue,
That is bizarre!! If he made the decision to tell you, you would think he would have told her without having to drop the bomb on you and then call her. At least he owned up to it. But I really don't understand what motivated him to do it. Is the counseling pushing his guilt buttons? Maybe since you both are working on the marriage he reached a point where it was eating at him too much and he had to confess. It is still to wierd how he did it though.

smfc, well so you can see why I question his answer as to why! More info is that before d-day he happened to pick up HNHN in the doctor's office waiting room. He liked it so much that he ordered a copy for himself. In that book the chapter on affairs really stresses the importance of telling the BS. I think between reading that and the guilt; he made his decision. <p>Interestingly he was reluctant to do counseling with SH. He was worried that he would get beaten up and treated badly. I felt that counseling was important and since we both liked MB philosophy I felt that was the best way to go. SH treated him very kindly and with respect. I was worried for awhile that he would be unwilling to take the coaching; because the recovery plan is no picnic for the WS. <p>He has willingly complied so it gives me hope. That and he has tremendous remorse. I just hope that the real reason he told me wasn't because of a more recent A. There is significant reason for me to believe that there could be an A...either that or he is really stupid where it comes to the person I suspect it could be with. I just pray that is not the case. Years ago we went to traditional marriage counseling. He didn't feel it was necessary to come clean on his A then; so I wonder and wonder and wonder. Steve knows that this question is pending for me. Our next phone counseling with SH is Monday. CSue

CSue,<p>I'm sorry to hear that your H dropped the bomb, and then called the OW. Did he give you an opportunity to "Enthusiastically Agree" which is a MB principle or what? I agree you should be disturbed that he felt he had to honor his commitment to tell the OW, but just to be on the optimistic side, maybe he is confusing the "Radical Honesty" to the point he feels he needs to be true to his word in all things past and present.<p>It almost sounds like he might have been using your curiosity of wanting to know who it was to give him an excuse to call her and warn her.<p>Good luck with the counseling. I have an appt. with SH on Thurs. my first. How many have you had, and are you completely satisfied with the progress? I will be in my first one by myself, my W will be out of town.

Fixit, neither one of us had read far enough into MB principles to know about the "enthusiastically agreements"! To be fair to my H; it really is like him to live up to his committment to the OW. Apparently they were concerned that I might physically harm her since I knew her too. Sheesh, I have no history of anything physical at all. Not within my capabilities to date anyway!!<p>As far as counseling with SH; we did our first one together; each of us did one completely separate; and the next one on Monday will be both of us. Homework for us has been to complete the EN questionnaire and love busters questionnaire. This took quite a long time for me to complete.<p>My H's big assignment on top of the questionnaires was to do the 3 steps of the Recovery Plan. My H shared the outline of it with me. It's will be a significant event when he and I meet to go over it.<p>We are completely pleased so far with our phone counseling. We have high expectations especially since the $$$; but we like the coaching approach far better. Steve has been very comforting to both of us. Good luck with your appointment with him. I know you'll get alot out of it! CSue