My husband and I have been married for what will soon be four years. Several months ago we decided that we would see another person, just once, to spice up our relationship. We were having problems in the bedroom, and, in retrospect, those problems were due to lack of communication. We both agreed to this; however, after I went through with it, he didn't. Prior to that, about six months before, I had begged, literally, for him to go to counseling with me. He refused. He refused again when we made this agreement, and refused the day before I moved out. He had reasonable complaints about our marriage and I heard them and tried to resolve them until I could try no more. He refused and still refuses to see that I had reasonable complaints as well. I thought we needed to work on our communication and that some type of therapy would help. I wanted and still want to save our marriage. I moved out with the man I saw the one time, essentially, because I had nowhere to go. Life with my husband was becoming more miserable everyday. I live with my mother now and haven't seen anyone else since then. I love my husband very much, and I really want to save what we have, but he can't even look at me. I can't say I blame him. I had the "affair," and I was the one who moved out. He says he'd never be able to trust me again. He has moved on to a girlfriend now, which I don't blame him for that either. But then again, I think that and the refusal of counseling are the only things keeping us apart. I miss him very much and love him as much as the day we married. How can I ever gain his trust again? How can I expect him to forgive me? How can I make him see that I still love him? And what on earth do I do if he insists on not working this out?

Square1,<p>I am a little confused. Could you give us a time line again. How long ago did you move out? How long did you live with the OM? Was this a one night stand with someone you didn' know or was this something that was sort of planned?<p>AS for rebuilding your marriage. I would strongly recommend that you read the materials at this site. Both you and your H have made some serious mistakes. However, since you are the only one posting her, you will be getting most of the advice.<p>A couple of things to remember: <p>1. You cannot make your H do anything.<p>2. You can make it easier to have him choose to work on the marriage again: No Love Busters, and meeting his needs.<p>3. THere is hope and there are things to do.<p>4. But, they will take time and patience, use both generously.<p>So do some reading about Needs, Love Busters and the general concepts here. You will find most of them in the articles by Harley. There are some books that will no doubt be of help: His Needs Her Needs by Harley, and Surviving an Affair also by him.<p>You can find them at book stores, but first read the info here. Ask more questions, and get the concept of Plan A and Plan B under your belt.<p>As for counseling, the Harley's Steve and Jenn do phone counseling and are apparently very effective. You don't necessarily need your H to do counseling right now, but they can give you a game plan that will help you address the issues of your marriage. No matter who you choose, choose a pro-marriage counselor.<p>So post, perhaps clear up a bit of the information you gave, definitely read the information here, and have patience. OK?<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Sq1:<p>Hoboy! This is a bit complicated, because you essentially gave each other permission to have As, even though he didn't have one when you did. Now, since you're still M'd, he's having one with this new girlfriend you mentioned. And since you gave each other permission, at worst, this could be described as an "open M." Open Ms make me sick, personally, and this situation shows that your "agreement" wasn't really well thought-out in the first place, otherwise he would have followed through AND he wouldn't have been upset when you DID follow through with the idea.<p>Now, you have to decide what you want to do. Seems you want your M back together. This is commendable! You should formulate some sort of plan A, to work on feeling better about yourself, and stay in communication with your H on a friendly, loving basis if you can. You can only help YOU and hope that your H eventually sees the positive changes about you and wants to be around them (and you) more with time. But be prepared for the possibility that he'll never want to come back. Since he has a girlfriend, he'll have to decide whether he wants that relationship or the one he had with you (though "new and improved" because of your changed attitude). His R with the girlfriend is really inappropriate (an A, really) because he's still M'd to you, but making him accept this will be difficult because of your agreement. Good luck to you, and remember to take care of yourself. Read all you can from this site and post to this forum with updates and for feedback.<p>Welcome! But sorry you have to come here under these circumstances.

Square,<p>I am sorry that you find yourself in this position in your life.<p>I would recommend that you read everything on this site, besides the forums and boards. Pay particular attention to Plan A info. You can do nothing to change your WH, you change yourself so that you are more appealing to your husband, and that you become a stonger person in the process.<p>Welcome to MB!<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Married: 7/1/98
Made agreement in 12/01
Had A in 12/01
Left in 1/02