I have been married for 24 years to my wife. We on the outside look like the perfect couple. We have 3 beautiful kids, a supportive extended family, faithful friends and church family. My wife had a brief affair 4 years into our marriage. I discovered it, confronted her and she admitted to an “emotional relationship” only (at the time). This was the story she stuck with for a few years. We "reconciled" which consisted of me working hard for our relationship to work and she was seemingly unbothered. She has admitted to the affair but to this day has never apologized for the betrayal.

I don’t place total blame for the affair on her. I learned how my words and selfish actions had hurt her in the first few years of marriage and since have changed the ways in which I communicate with her. I truly felt that I grew through the situation. To her credit, she cut ties with the guy and has never corresponded with him again. He was not someone in our circle of friends, but someone she met at her work. I kept the affair disclosed from our immediate and extended family (to protect her reputation with our church and family…and for mine TBH). I pushed for counseling, but she would never agree to meet as a couple to discuss but did meet with a pastor’s wife, briefly.

We then began working on starting a family and were still functioning as a married couple. We were blessed with the birth of our first child a few years later and my wife has always been a great mother to our now 3 kids and nephew who lives with us. However, I have felt that bringing children into the mix was her way of creating a buffering from me. She admits that I am always in the last place in any room that we are in when it comes to her importance and attention.
I tried to not bring up the affair or to use as a weapon but always felt like her story was more than she indicated. She finally admitted that there was sex involved after an argument where I straight up demanded her to be truthful. She said that this only happened “one time”. She has said there were other opportunities and there were other physical acts, but he didn’t initiate sex after that first time. She also stated that he didn’t even “climax” during the one time. I have never believed that to be the truth but any questioning always led to heated denial on her end and shutting down further emotionally. Which makes me believe her story even less.

Speed forward, nearly 20 years later, we have not openly discussed the affair in 10 years +, until recently. About six months ago I discovered a vibrator that she had been using. I didn’t mention it initially and wasn’t bothered by her use until it became obvious, she was using it often and not being receptive to my initiations for intimacy. I confronted her a week later and her first impulse was to lie about even using it. After telling her that I know she had been using it, she stated that she had only used it “one time”. I know that it was used and moved to another location multiple times in the one-week period. She continued lying about it which just brought the flood of familiar feelings of betrayal. Again, I told her I didn’t have an issue with the device on its own but why was she lying about it. I brought up that she was not being honest and that I never thought she was honest about her affair either. This stirred one of the biggest and most aggressive responses I have ever seen from her. She stated that “if I can’t believe her about the affair and her limited use of the vibrator, that we have serious issues that can not be resolved”.

For further context, some consistent markers in our relationship is that: my wife has not initiated physical intimacy in so long that I can’t remember the last time, she never admits wrongdoing about anything large or small. Also, I am the one to initiate anything romantic (Dates, written notes, flirting, etc). Recently, I have found myself beginning to check out emotionally from her and drifting to find my own space. I still want us to have a strong relationship and know that I am flawed in many ways. We are on the same page on most things in our faith, work balance, purchases and the raising of our children. We don’t talk about divorce, but separation seems like it is the next step.

I say all this as a way of asking for advice on how to deal…
I feel that I have forgiven her for the affair in my heart and mind and even with the intuition that it was more than she indicated. However, I feel like the lack of transparency and truthfulness is still a subconscious barrier in our relationship based on her hardness to accountability. It feels like an assault on my intelligence and trust. Am I crazy…Would anyone believe the story of a multiple month affair with only one sexual interaction, with no climax on the man’s part?? Should it matter, or should I just let it die?
Sorry so long

Hi Leemc,

in case you are still reading, or someone else is reeding this, there are a few steps to be taken, as Brainhurts has already suggested:

1. You have not followed the steps to recover from he affair. You can find them under the link she provided.
2. Dragging up the affair after so many years is not in your best interest. If it is truly in the past, you don't want to drag it into the present.
3. The fact that the thought came back after so many years, is understandable, regarding the state of your marriage, but getting the details after so many years is not your priority. Your priority should be to get your wife and yourself to have one hack of a fantastic marriage and being madly in love. In that case, you would not bother finding the battery driven device that you did, because the two of you would be fulfilling each other's needs.

Your problem #1: Your wife is not in live with you and you are not in love with her. Your relationship is more like housemates and boring at best or irritating or worse. Please read everything about the basic concepts here: Basic Conceptshttps://www.marriagebuilders.com/basic-concepts.htm, especially the love bank, love busters and emotional needs. That will help you get on your way to make your marriage a real and loving marriage again.

After you feel in love again, I am quite sure that you don't have a need to revisit an affair that is long in the past, as it sounds as if you and your wife steered clear of new affairs and killed the old one.
If there is anything in the present though, you may want to read the q&a articles on how to proceed if an affair is affecting your marriage.

Your plan:
a. Ask your wife if she will do the program with you, as you would love to be as close as in the beginning of your relationship, because she is so important to you. (that has a better success rate then: I hate the state of our marriage). If she does not want to, ask her to fill out the love busters and emotional needs questionnaires to help you be a better person and if she does not even do that, just begin by yourself. A man can make his wife fall in love with him.
b. Refrain from any love busters on your part. (You can probably think of some things she has complained about in the past)
c. Get her out of the house for activities that you both like for "dates", try some variety though as it is more effective if you are trying new things.
d. Don't pressure for sex right now. She obviously has the need, so once she falls in love with you, it will more than likely solve itself.

Take care and God bless!

Happyheart