Marriage Builders®
Posted By: trustntruth Plan B - 06/17/04 01:39 PM
Can you call an order for protection plan B?

Well that is where we are at. I am praying for my husband to have a repentant heart - and for him to know his savior.

Our son is enmeshed with his dad's hate - been posting since he was 6 years old - now he is 11 and fully enmeshed.

When I look back over the past 5+ years - I feel foolish for trying sooooo hard, but I also feel like the Lord helped me to grow during that time.

I am still praying for his repentant heart. What else can you do but pray?

Love,
TNT
Posted By: Quiet_Goodbye Re: Plan B - 06/17/04 04:44 PM
((((((((((TNT))))))))))

My heart aches for you. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Nobody comes to this board anymore. Maybe that's a godsend right now, at least for me. I am not posting anywhere, for my own reasons, but I do lurk when I can. I could not stay in the dark for you - for this.

Are you okay? I mean, how are you, physically and emotionally NOW?

You are not foolish. You NEVER were. Do you know you are one of the people I have thought about over the last five years, and that you are a HERO to me? Your faith and devotion to God and to your H are beautiful.

But yes, now it is time to take care of YOU and give your H over to God, to do with as He will. I hope he realizes what he's lost, and I am disguisted by his actions toward you. If you feel up to it, I'd like you to elaborate about your son.

Oh, and just in case after all these years you have forgotten -- It is me... new_beginning, Sheryl, Nyneve... can't use the new_beginning name anymore (disabled the account).

(((((TNT)))))

If you'd like to share your email again, that would be great. I am at a crossroads with the internet provider and don't know when we'll be disconnected (they like it when you pay, you know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )... but I promise I will keep in touch through here or by email for as long as I can. So if I appear to disappear, you'll know why.

God Bless you, TNT...

I'd like to say a prayer for you:

Lord, HEAL THIS WOMAN, this beautiful soul, TNT. Give her peace as she travels this rocky road, and give her H a deep, deep remorse for what he's done and for what he's caused within this family. Do what You need to get his attention. Keep TNT safe, and bring many blessings to her, as she has been a good and faithful warrier. Let her know how important and special she has been to me and countless others on this site and in the real world. Bless her, bless her, bless her!! IJN, Amen
Posted By: trustntruth Re: Plan B - 06/17/04 08:31 PM
Hi Sheryl, good to see you are around when I need ya!
This time he threw me off the bed and I cracked my head open on the hearth.
It hasn't been healthy for a long time. (yeah, duh!)
It is such a long story. I am still online once-in-a-while - remember I am MnCon. Maybe I can catch you up then?
TNT

<small>[ June 17, 2004, 04:01 PM: Message edited by: trustntruth ]</small>
Posted By: Quiet_Goodbye Re: Plan B - 06/18/04 02:40 AM
Hi again,

Oh TNT, I'm not around as much either, and I don't have any IM's on our computer. I do want to catch up with you though.

Long stories here too, and we are on the edge of no-more-internet (AOL free time ran out and they haven't turned us off yet, but we keep expecting to wake up and have it gone) so I never know if this will be the last time I can get on for awhile.

I will do my best to keep an eye out for you, and even if I'm at the library I can log on and write.

Just know that I have thought of you so often, and with much love. You are A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN and deserve the best life has to offer.

(((((((TNT))))))))
Posted By: Quiet_Goodbye Re: Plan B - 06/18/04 10:14 PM
Hey TNT, I make myself laugh. Seriously. I went over to your other thread, and ended up posting to annasnewlife. Here I have been trying to stay out of the way and not post at all. Sheesh. Don't ever lurk. You just *have* to post sometimes. Anyway, since we began over here, I guess we'll stay here.

How are you today? Hope you are healing and feeling better.

(((((TNT)))))
Posted By: lonesome heart Re: Plan B - 06/21/04 05:01 AM
How are you doing now tnt? Are you ok? I'm worried about you.

Sheryl, I too felt an 'mb call' and saw tnt's post about her cracked head. How are YOU doing? Send me an update! I want the good, bad and ugly. My earthlink address isn't good much longer, so write soon if that's the only one you've got for me.
Posted By: trustntruth Re: Plan B - 06/21/04 09:14 PM
I'm doing okay. Head is still sore. This happened May 13th. Police made him move out and I filed Order for protection on 17th. I would have filed it on 14th but police report wasn't ready.

I didn't want him arrested that night because I didn't want him to know that I told. He wanted my son and I to lie. And we agreed to lie, but when he wasn't there I told the nurse the truth and that was the last time we have had contact with one another - except when he called and threatened me several times before I filed the order for protection.

He gave his attorney $10,000. He took all of the money out of the bank. ($38,000).

We were in the process of getting a construction loan for $200,000 and I found out that he had cleaned out another bank account so I cancelled the construction loan. That was the Friday before Mothers Day - and he took our son as retaliation for the weekend. He came back on Sat. night (without our son) and demanded sex. Sunday he left again, (Mothers Day) and wouldn't tell me where our son was. Then on Sunday afternoon he brought our son to the restaurant for me to see him, but he took him again. He must have had a softened heart because I paid for lunch - so he brought son home.

The next night the police made him leave, (and he took our son again from me.) He came back the following Tuesday, harrassed me at work. By Wednesday we were arguing again and he threatened me he would take our son again, and that I would be sorry if I didn't leave. I didn't move I just sat there and asked him if we could just agree to disagree and not be so hateful to one another. He responded by throwing me off our son's bed and I hit the fireplace hearth. Our son screamed because the blood was spurting out all over the place. He accused him of trying to kill me.

He told our son nothing was wrong.

I headed out the door because I thought I would die

Will write more later
Posted By: lonesome heart Re: Plan B - 06/22/04 02:37 AM
I've had more than one head injury too tnt. They bleed like crazy! I don't recall that they hurt this many weeks later. Please get a followup visit, ok?
Posted By: Quiet_Goodbye Re: Plan B - 06/22/04 03:02 AM
Hi again, TNT, and Hello Lonesome Heart (I have missed you so much!),

I don't have anyone's addys anymore because we lost our IP last year and they all got lost, and then we had just begun rebuilding when we thought we were losing AOL, and some got lost again. Sigh.

LH, are you at the same snail mail addy? I *think* I still have that address hidden away in the archives... I'll look and get a letter out to you. If not, we'll have to figure *something* out. I have truly, TRULY missed you.

TNT, My heart is ACHING for you! You are such a lovely woman with a tender spirit... and your H has crushed you over and over again. I hate that! You may not even realize, and I am nearly brought to tears even writing this, but you (and YOU ALONE) were the first person to SHOW ME, in Biblical terms, what my marriage is worth. When others said my marriage wasn't valid, you said it was, and had a study to prove it (and not saying you, LH or anyone that was here, like Paha, but *out there* in the world). YOU GAVE ME HOPE and a renewed DESIRE TO SEEK THE LORD.

Thank YOU!

You two are beyond special to me, although we don't talk often anymore. I have missed our times together, hashing out our lives. I miss seeing Paha here. I ran into her on another website (amazing when something like that happens) and I have heard from her recently. I will share that you are here. She's not on the net often, but hopefully she'll be able to drop by. All of you ladies have meant the world to me.

TNT, PLEASE remember that you are GOD'S SPECIAL CREATION and DO NOT DESERVE to have your body and spirit battered. YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE.

I will await more news from you about all this... you kind of stopped in the middle...

As a tiny aside, just to let you know, I GOT A JOB. A major, MAJOR praise! I've waited so long. I started today.

Love you guys, Sheryl
Posted By: lonesome heart Re: Plan B - 06/22/04 03:40 AM
Sheryl, you here right now? I'll post my addy long enough for you to get it.
Posted By: Quiet_Goodbye Re: Plan B - 06/22/04 03:43 AM
Thanks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ June 21, 2004, 10:50 PM: Message edited by: Nyneve ]</small>
Posted By: lonesome heart Re: Plan B - 06/22/04 03:47 AM
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ June 21, 2004, 10:57 PM: Message edited by: lonesome heart ]</small>
Posted By: Quiet_Goodbye Re: Plan B - 06/22/04 03:49 AM
You can still edit the last one... there's ten minutes or something. EDIT IT NOW.

I just sent you a test email... thanks!
Posted By: trustntruth Re: Plan B - 06/22/04 02:06 PM
He kept telling my son nothing was wrong with me, and he was getting towels to soak up the blood. So I figured I better get out of the house and find a way to get some help. I struggled up (felt woozey and nauseated) and I was headed to the door - and was going to stop at the phone along the way. He was busy looking for some more towels. I knew I couldn't stop and use the phone and call 911 because I would not have enough time before he grabbed the phone from me. It was all I could do to get out the door and head over to my neighbors house.

I got out the door and down the steps and headed over to the neighbors and he grabbed me and we struggled until I was down on the ground and then he drug me by my arms to the car. On the way to the car my shoe came off. The back of my new pants were filthy black from being drug across a dirt driveway.

We got to the car and he ordered me to get in. At this point I thought he was going to take me to the hospital - but I still wasn't sure. He yelled at my son to get more towels so that it wouldn't get on the upholstery.

My son was extremely upset and was accusing his dad of trying to kill me. His dad just kept saying that there was nothing wrong with me, and was re-interpreting reality for my son. He quickly began to turn this incident around before we even got out on the highway. He projected this into me "making" him do this to me. I kept crying and I just knew that as Mike kept talking that I was actually in more and more danger. Then he told my son that I was going to try and put him in jail, and that there really wasn't anything wrong with me - and that I was going to "play this for all it was worth" - and he was worried about whether I would put him in jail.

I knew he was worried about who was going to find out. I knew my safety was for others to know what had happened.

We were about 2 miles away from home and on the highway when he changed his mind about whether I should go straight to the hospital. He decided that we would detour to his sisters house. He wanted to drop our son off. I think the only reason that Mike was taking me to the hospital was to appease our son. I protested and told him that I wanted us to hurry up and get to the hospital and then I kept telling him that I thought I was going to throw up. My lips were trembling and they felt funny. I was trying to think of every reason to convince my husband that my son needed to stay in the car. He refused to listen to me.

We got to his sisters farm and the lights were not on in the house, but they were on in the yard. He told son to get out. Son opened door and was not all of the way out yet when I was telling our son "No, don't leave me - he'll kill me - don't leave me! No don't go!" I told him that if he left me his dad would kill me and he would never see me again.

Mike just kept saying to Ryan to get out and for me to shut up and I was trying to honk the horn so someone would know that I was in the car. He would grab my hands and push me away from the horn and I would turn and try to unlock the car door so I could get out and he would grab my arms and hold me in and I would struggle in my seat to get to the horn. I did manage to honk the horn for about 5-7 seconds and he wanted me to stop doing that because he didn't want anyone to know we were there. So he told son it was okay to get back in the car.

Son got in the car and I was sobbing and feeling a little relieved because I at that time believed I would go to the hospital and get help.

About another 2 miles away from the farm and as we were just getting into Fergus Falls, my husband had persuaded us to lie when we got into the hospital about how it happened. We 3 agreed that it was an accident and that I fell.

That is what he told the emergency room people. They put staples in my head. They did NOT x-ray my head because they said I didn't pass out. When I thought it was safe to tell, I told the nurse it was not an accident and I did not fall.

She told the doctor. I wanted my file to be noted. I didn't want my husband to find out that I told. The police first arrived and I wouldn't talk to them. Then the sheriff arrived some time later.

I knew when the police arrived that I was in Deep Doo Doo. I knew I had betrayed my husband and that the consequences were going to be grave. Mike always warned me that if I told I would lose my child and that I would get "committed" for being crazy and that I would become a welfare recipient. I knew first hand from working with the refugees that the victim as well as the perpetrator cannot pass a background check for a job, and they cannot get public housing. I had fear like you would ot believe when the sheriff arrived - I was more afraid of what Mike had told me what would happen to me if I told - I was more afraid of losing my son forever...

I called the crisis shelter and I asked for advice - what should I do - that I knew the police had been called and I don't want my husband to find out what I said!

They couldn't tell me anything to do, they didn't tell me what to do they didn't know what to do, they just listened. No advice. I was panicked.

I called my good sister in law. She came to the hospital. We tried to make arrangements to let her get in the hospital without being spotted by my husband. The hospital nurse did say there was another entrance, but it was not coordinated for my sister in law to sneak into the hospital. It was in the wee hours of the morning and she had no choice but to walk by my husband in the lobby to get to me in the emergency room.

It was all over at that point. He now hates his own sister for helping me

oh there is sooo much more. What an ordeal.

I am crying just thinking about how awful this has been.

will write more later.

<small>[ June 22, 2004, 09:11 AM: Message edited by: trustntruth ]</small>
Posted By: lonesome heart Re: Plan B - 06/22/04 03:33 PM
OMG, tnt, that is truly scary, and the bleeding wound is the least scary part of all. Your h is a monster.

tnt, I took what I could from mb to make myself a better person and finally accepted reality -- mb doesn't fix abuse. The place where I found kindred spirits were in forums dedicated to topics of abuse. Your h is an abuser to the nth degree.

You chose plan b for the title of this post. Are you seriously considering reconciliation with this man? You can pray for his repentance all you want, but you need to be in a safe place and not dead in order to do it. This is very very very serious tnt. Getting angry is the best thing I can think of for you to do. You deserve way better than this. Your son needs protection, and you seem to be the only likely candidate.
Posted By: Quiet_Goodbye Re: Plan B - 06/22/04 09:18 PM
TNT,

I am struggling with the right words for your situation -- I am horrified and angry, heartbroken and scared to death for your safety.

Lonesome Heart has hit the nail on the head. Sweet, sweet TNT, he is an abuser, and unless and until he gets SERIOUS help, you MUST NOT BE NEAR HIM.

I am literally shaking right now. That's how afraid for you I am.

He shows ALL the classic signs and dear, tender TNT, you show all the symptomology of an abused wife. I understand, I really do... you love him, you don't understand why he treats you as he does, you want to do anything to make the abuse go away because you feel responsible... Sweetie, you are NOT RESPONSIBLE AT ALL.

Please, PLEASE get help. Park yourself in the police station office until they get you to a shelter. Take your son and GO.

((((((((((((TNT))))))))))))))
Posted By: MoiNouvelle Re: Plan B - 06/23/04 06:45 PM
Hi TnT,

I had no idea till Sheryl asked me to come here. My heart breaks for you and my prayers are with you. But TnT enough I expect you to listen this time. Because if you do not your Husband WILL KILL YOU ONE DAY IF YOU REFUSE TO GET OUT!!!!!!!!!! And what will you do while he abuses your son...may not be physical but it is emotional.


I am very proud of you for getting the restraining order. Now go for full legal and physical custody. You can have done that at the restraining order hearing. Please for God's sake go to court for an emergency hearing to gain custody. Use the history of physical violance against you as evidence. Then also get temp hearing for child support and demand for the money to be returned to the account. Freeze anything that is in his name if you have too. Also check that he did not hide the money with his sister, OW, or friends. Would you PLEASE do this not only for yourself but for your children.

Look I know you love him and pray for him but understand God gives us free will. His free will is to choose Satan and life in darkness. This does not mean that you have to put up with the abuse. Do not hesitate to go to court and hire a lawyer to protect yourself. Please do this now.
Posted By: Quiet_Goodbye Re: Plan B - 06/23/04 10:16 PM
TNT,

I'm worried about you! Are you okay? I admit to being a little concerned that Lonesome Heart, Moi(Paha) and I have made you feel a little ganged-up-on. I hope not, because we have all been around and supporting, praying and caring for each other for a long, long time. Remember all those late nights and long afternoons that we wrote here on the Women's Bible Study? WE LOVE YOU, TNT.

Please check in and let us know how you are... especially with the latest circumstances, we are understandibly VERY WORRIED...

((((((((((((TNT)))))))))))))
Posted By: Shul Re: Plan B - 06/24/04 04:22 AM
TNT,

Yes, prayer is the best thing you can do.

You can rest and care for your son . Let God deal with your husband for awhile. He knows how to handle him.

Shul
Posted By: Mitzi Re: Plan B - 07/01/04 04:21 AM
tnt....Hon, this has gone on long enough, hasn't it? Please check in and let us know how you're doing. I haven't read here in a long time and felt an urge to do so. Hope all is well with you. (((((TNT)))))

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Posted By: Quiet_Goodbye Re: Plan B - 07/02/04 12:19 AM
Has anyone heard from TNT?

LH?? Have you?

I've been praying and I'm so worried about you, TNT.

PLEASE CHECK IN!
Posted By: lonesome heart Re: Plan B - 07/03/04 06:08 PM
This forum is the only connecting place I have with tnt. I too am very concerned. I've been checking every day for an update.
Posted By: Quiet_Goodbye Re: Plan B - 07/12/04 05:30 AM
I've been so very worried.

I hope this means that TnT and her H somehow found some safe ground with which to plant some new seeds in their marriage.

What I fear is that she's gone into hiding because we insisted she get help... when you love someone you hate to see them abused... TnT, you must realize this. We love you... and hate to think of you hurting, alone and scared....

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

Lord, please protect TnT and let her know she is a cherished child of God... and that her friends here are worried and love her. Send her here to let us know she's okay... healing... and thriving.

IJN, Amen and amen and amen...
Posted By: trustntruth Re: Plan B - 07/12/04 01:01 PM
I am okay - physically.

It is just spiralling out of control here.

June 25th: lost my job.
June 27th: son went to foster care. (long story there, no i am not unfit!)
June 29th: served with divorce papers and picked my son up from foster care.

I am just desperate to get some support - I HAVE the order for protection - which put my boundary out there and I feel has caused my husband to be VERY agressive and I have all kinds of problems now. He has hired a $10,000 attorney to take my son from me and to obtain a property settlement that benefits him, he has spent our money from the remodel almost which is $38,000 dollars, I am basically penniless and have NO family or support.....

have been desperately seeking someone to help me pray, have been posting on the family life forum, and I haven't gotten any responses. I really need prayer, ladies. Please help me.

1) CPS worker will come today and I am anxious, I know that the Lord can use this for His good, but I feel like I need someone in agreement with me so that the child protection worker finds favor. I have so many concerns about the house - because it may not be deemed adequate and I don't want to have to move, (because i lost my job and can't afford to move and I would be losing a lot of money in a property settlement if I would have to move).

Please can we please get some of you to agree in prayer with me? I don't have any family to pray with me and I feel very much alone. I know the Lord is here, but I think I need more support than just my faith - it is seriously challenged right now.

Thanks
TNT
Posted By: Quiet_Goodbye Re: Plan B - 07/13/04 05:52 AM
TNT, Praise GOD you are SAFE. Thank you for checking in!!

I've been checking almost every day and so worried!


Lord, you know TnT's heart and circumstances better than any of us... you know the truth.

Allow that truth to shine through to the CPS social worker and anyone else who enters into this situation!

Give TnT peace as she goes through this process.

I ask that a job will open up for TnT, so that she may provide a safe home for her son and for herself.

Please protect TnT and her son... you know the truth of her H's abusive nature. Heal him in a way that he can be a safe parent and partner. If he is unwilling, you know what is best then too.

I am praying in agreement with TnT that the BEST OUTCOME happen here... for all concerned.

Bless TnT, Lord. She is a worthy and beautiful soul who has always tried to be a good Christian wife and mother, and spent years here with all of us praying and caring.

IJN, Amen.
Posted By: lonesome heart Re: Plan B - 07/12/04 10:30 PM
tnt,
I am so sorry things continue to be so difficult.

Dear Lord in Heaven,
You know who tnt is in real life and where she is. She is in terrible danger at the hands of a man who should rightfully be her safe harbor in this world. It must pain you grievously to see such abuse occur within a marriage, to see what You intended as holy to be desecrated in such a violent manner. We lift up tnt and her son to you and pray that they may know firsthand and in this lifetime that miracles are real. With all that has happened, only You can find a solution that will mend all that is broken.
IJN Amen.

tnt, please keep us posted. We care about you. You are married to a dangerous, violent man. Please take every precaution and tap every available resource to be safe.
Posted By: trustntruth Re: Plan B - 07/13/04 04:46 AM
I just lost my post! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I posted an update on the recovery forum

I can't believe that I typed and typed and my ISP bumped me off

uggh

Okay, good report - there is more to say than that maybe I will have to write in smaller increments....
Posted By: trustntruth Re: Plan B - 07/13/04 04:52 AM
Sheryl and LH, thank you for your faithful concerns for me and for being there today for me.

Mike is planning on getting custody of Ryan. I just won't go for that. I am going to need prayers for that.

I did break down and talk with Mike last week. He wants me to lift the OFP. I said no. I told him the child psychologist that he took Ryan to last November told me that I needed to be aligned with Mike in order to have a relationship with Ryan. I asked if he would go to marriage counseling and drop the divorce. He suggested going to marriage counseling and getting divorced. ??? what the heck is he talking about anyway.... So I drew up the ammended OFP to allow for contact to go to marrige counseling but I don't think it is a good idea so I am not going to do anything about it and Mike hasn't contacted me or asked me about it again so I think he was just trying to munipulate me again. what is new.

So I know how everyone feels about my marriage, and that is reality. It is still hard because I do love him. We are about 2 weeks from getting a divorce. Time ticks. God knows.

LH, Sheryl, Mitzi, Paha - I am a little bit tired.

God bless you all and please keep me in your prayers. I will update another day. so much to say.

Tnt
Posted By: trustntruth Re: Plan B - 07/13/04 07:18 PM
Sheryl, please know that I appreciate you so much. This is my email address: payson2000@hotmail.com

Sheryl, you have said such kind things. How is your new job going? Still working with assistive technology?

And LH, how are you doing? Post-Divorce? How is your husband (x-husband)?
And Paha... You are out of that abusive relationship completely? Please update me.
And Shul, Thank you so much for your prayers and love. You have the kind of heart that I would like to connect with and get to know. Do you AIM? you can catch me once in a while - add me to your user list: MnCon is my user name. I could use a powerful online prayer warrior.

God Bless you all, here is the newest update:


My husband's attorney called. He asked me to sign over the title on the truck and asked if I would be willing to 'modify' the order for protection so that I could sit and negotiate with my husband about the divorce.

I told him that I don't want a divorce, and that I talked with my husband about that last week, and that he had asked me to modify the order for protection for marriage counseling - but that I was unwilling to do that with a divorce continuing. Attorney told me that the divorce is proceeding, and wanted to know if I wanted to mediate.

I asked the attorney if he would agree to value my car at $900 and I would agree that his truck was worth $1530. He said he couldn't do that. (husband traded it in and I was on the title and I told the auto dealership that I was on the title and they said that husband frauded them and sent me copies of my husbands frauded statement.)
I asked the attorney if he has seen the paperwork and he said no. I said I feel that my husband continues to think that he has entitlement to everything and that isn't right.

We went back to the mediation issue. I told him that my husband is a professional negotiator and I wouldn't feel like it was fair and I would be fearful because he keeps threatening to take my son from me. The attorney said he wouldn't be present. I told him that my husband has contacted 35 attorneys and that he was dealing with another attorney last October when my husband felt entitled to withdraw $38,000 out of our joint account. I would feel like I wouldn't have the information that my husband had because I don't have an attorney and he has had plenty of them all along, and it is odvious he planned this for a long time.

He just kept asking if I would send the title over to the dealership and I said I would like to do that, but I guess that I need to talk to an attorney about this because I don't see what I gain by doing that.

Well, we were at a standstill so I stopped talking to him. My son knew I was talking to him and got extremely upset. He said I was telling his dad's attorney "lies". I wasn't.

I told my son I feel very intimidated because dad has a $10,000 attorney and a private investigator and that makes me feel fearful.

Uggh.

Well, another day in the saga.

I hope that I can get an attorney soon. The attorney that I was going to get is through legal services, and my husband's attorney is on their board - so now maybe they can't even represent me.


Thanks,
TNT
Posted By: trustntruth Re: Plan B - 07/14/04 01:21 PM
I think what I will do is put a link to my posts here and that way you an stay upated when you come back to see me, how does that sound? Most of you have moved on, but I still need that support.

my latests posts:
Need Help Making Decisions

Trustntruth Needs Prayers

Old-Timer Needs Prayer

Also if you feel like "surfing" you can see my family web page that I have been working on - hasn't been updated since a week before he closed another account...

but here it is, maybe one of these days I will update it...

My Family Web Page

<small>[ July 14, 2004, 08:24 AM: Message edited by: trustntruth ]</small>
Posted By: Quiet_Goodbye Re: Plan B - 07/15/04 05:05 AM
Hi TnT,

I know LH, Paha and I have been checking on and off for you... and even though we post rarely, all of us do on occasion -- and ESPECIALLY for a dear heart like YOU! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm having computer and work issues myself, so can't be on like I'd like... but make no mistake... I'm keeping up with you and praying for you. I know LH and Paha are too...

DO YOU FEEL ALL OF OUR PRAYERS AND LOVE?

I hope so!

I'll be checking out your web page tonight... thanks for posting the link.

Love, Sheryl
Posted By: lonesome heart Re: Plan B - 07/15/04 05:27 AM
{{{{{{{{{tnt}}}}}}}}}}
Could you explain why you want to stay married to this man and receive marriage counselling? He darn near let you bleed to death than take you to the hospital.
Posted By: trustntruth Re: Plan B - 07/14/04 06:15 PM
Double post

<small>[ July 14, 2004, 02:35 PM: Message edited by: trustntruth ]</small>
Posted By: trustntruth Re: Plan B - 07/14/04 07:34 PM
Sheryl - sometimes I feel the peace but not always. I have Graves disease so maybe that has something to do with it?

LH - you bring up a very good point.
The incident happened May 13th. I knew it was building again as of the 25th of April... I can almost tell you blow by blow what led up to the incident!

Timeline:
April 24th - we open a joint checking account for a spec house. His idea, not mine. He wants to build the spec house, not me. I don’t care about building a spec house, but I agree because it is something HE wants to do. That is what loving wives do, they help their husbands achieve their dreams, right?

April 24th, we reconfirm we will remodel the basement because my family is coming out to see me in June. Also, my son was planning to come out in August. Remember I am alone and it has been 6 years since my family has been here to see me.

I feel some of the things that my husband was doing down in the basement was not working towards our goal. I got angry with him because he wasn’t following the plan and because he was disrespecting my stuff again.

I love busted. And then I lovebusted some more. Did I call him names? No. Did I hit him? No. I went down there and started going through the trash that he said was trash. I pulled lots of things out of the trash that he said was trash. He kept putting the stuff I pulled out back in the trash box and I pulled it out and then I finally got so frustrated that I went upstairs. He set the stuff outside the door out in the snow to get ruined. He started shoving stuff in boxes and sticking it in one little storage area (that also has to be remodeled) He was not working in a methodical manner, following my plan, or anything. He was just doing nothing – or rather he was pushing my buttons on purpose.

In the meantime he was making selfish demands on my time. To prepare the loan documents for $200,000 construction loan. I started doing like he wanted.

The next weekend my grandson came to stay with me. He was mad. I had talked to him that morning before grandson came and asked him if we could work together and stay up all night to get the loan docs done so that I could have my 5 year old grandson on Saturday and Sunday. He said sure. But he didn’t. Instead he went fishing and left me to do the work, and he didn’t do a darn thing to make the basement move forward.

Saturday morning came along and it was time to get grandson. I was not complete. I lovebusted a little bit and then I asked him if he would go with me to get grandson. (X-son in law has custody of grandson and this was my first time seeing him since Christmas.) Husband played most of weekend and he tried to take the crib mattress and the grand baby’s crib out of my bedroom, another fight. It was not necessary but he just wanted to push more buttons. Passive aggressive behavior.

I kept moving the mattress back in the house and he kept throwing it outside.

He finally decided to take a look at the loan docs and was of no help there but started going through docs on computer and asking me why I changed the way the “My Doc. Files were organized”, complained about me giving my daughter my old 333 emachines (so old it is worthless) and just complained about the documents on the computer.

I met x-son in law ½ way and gave him back grandson, and Monday came around and we went back to work. I thought it was weird when I found out husband didn’t go to work as planned on Monday.

That week I started noticing bank statements coming in the mail without my name on them… I knew we opened a JOINT checking account, what was up with that so I asked hi what was going on with the bank. He played dumb and kept pressuring me and pressuring me to work on the loan docs – and I was sleep deprived at that point and trying to work during the day. I was getting exhausted.

Thursday night he called me and asked me to bring supper out to the lot for all of us. He didn’t even thank me for the supper and he just walked away – and wouldn’t even eat it with me. I told him that I felt used like he was using me just to get me to spend my money on supper, the least thing he could do was eat the dinner I bought with me.

The next morning, (the Friday before Mothers Day) I snooped and found a deposit slip with another account number on it and it was for $26,500. He had opened an individual account and closed the joint account. I lovebusted AGAIN.

He said he denied it and then I told him that after I got to work I would call and confirm and I would cancel the $200,000 construction loan if he wasn’t honest about money. I told him he had about 2 hours to be honest or that would be it.

I got to work at 7:50 and at 9:20 I had it confirmed that he had lied about money. I waited until the afternoon and then I called and cancelled the construction loan.

Hecalled me after he picked son up fromj school about 3:00p – and he was super nice at first to find out if I did it, then he started crying. I never heard him cry over anything like that before. I told him that yes indeed I had told the loan officer lady that he had been dishonest before with money and this could only conclude he was planning a divorce. I told him that she put a stop to the process.

He begged me to call her back. I told him NO WAY, and that I would not do that unless I felt like I could trust him with money.

That was the beginning of the end. He didn’t bring son home from school. He hid him from me and he didn’t come home until late that night and he had been drinking. I can’t remember. I know that my daughter came from WI that night and spent the night and we took grandson to movies. I also rented some play station 2 games for grandson for weekend.

Sat morning he took the playstation 2 set so grandson could not play the playstation 2 games that we had rented, and he watched grandson cry about it, then he took a TV from the house and left to go to the lot.

He had started construction on the lot. He thought he could force me to sign docs.

Saturday he still didn’t bring son home but he returned and demanded sex. Then on Sunday AM I had a heart-to-heart talk with him and I told him that I demand HONESTY about money and everything. I didn’t want to get in the way of his project but I wanted to be assured about monetary issues and every other issue in our marriage. I told him I was VERY disappointed that he was hiding our son – especially on Mothers Day, that his actions very much showed me his heart. He left the house and brought the playstation 2 game box back in the house for grandson.

I called him at lunch time and asked if he would bring our son to a Mexican Restaurant as I would like to spend some time with him on Mothers Day. I coaxed him and told him that I would buy. He did.

I dropped grandson off with X-son-inlaw, and I went home with Subway dinner. I bought a 12” sub for husband and son to share and coaxed him to come home with son. It really hurt my feelings that he hid Ryan from me, AGAIN.

Son was hateful and said hateful things to me. Odviously it had been a Mom-bashing weekend.

The next Monday I stayed home from work and called the marriage counselor. This is the first time I had stayed home from work since I had started the job Jan. 5th. We couldn’t get into the marriage counselor until the following Monday because he had finals all that week. (He is a Christian counselor who also teaches social work at the college that I worked at.)

I think it was Monday night that Ryan was out of control, following the constant Mom-bashing of the weekend brainwashing session. (I am not sure but I think he stayed with my older step-daughter, odviously her heart has not changed.) Anyway, Ryan was being violent and outbursting, He tried to shut the door on my arm and he got physical with me, calling me names, spitting on me, flipping me off, telling me he hated me, etc. I called Mike finally at about 5:00-5:30 and told him son was out of control. Told him to come home and get son under control. Mike didn’t want to come home. I don’t know where he was but he didn’t want to come home. Then when he did he wasn’t trying t solve the problem but he would say unbelievable things to me about what kind of mother I was and he was perpetuating the problem.

I felt like I had both son and husband ganging up on me.

After dinner I began to work on a web-site I was building for Ryans’ friend’s dad. The fighting wasn’t stopping and I stopped what I was doing and went into the living room to just give the problem my full attention. I sat on love seat and husband brought son in close to him and had arm around him like it was His Son and I was the step mom or something.

I asked him if what he wanted was a divorce, is that why he is acting like this, is that why he has Ryan all riled up, and I said well let’s resolve this now so we can agree to disagree and not have all the fighting. I said let’s do 50/50 with Ryan. What days do you want, Ryan? T, W, Th and every other S with Mom? And my husband then my husband said if I didn’t shut up that he was going to call the police and get me thrown out and then I will not have anything, not a place to live or any money, and that he would take Ryan from me. He said to go in the bedroom. I said that I didn’t have to do anything he told me to do. He called the police and he said that I was out of control and irrational. Son screamed Oh, No! and started crying hysterically and then husband blamed that on me that son was crying and upset and he started saying a bunch of bad things about me – like you don’t need your mother anyway she is a welfare recipient and just all kinds of hateful things. He told son he won’t have to put up with me anymore, all kinds of projecting.

I went to the phone and talked to 911 and told them that I didn’t want him saying bad things about me to our son and that I didn’t feel safe.

Husband told son, “come on and let’s go outside and wait for the police.”

I stayed on the line with the dispatcher for a while and then when they were outside completely then we hung the line up and I went back in to work on the web-site again. I shut the bedroom door.

Then police came, asked me if there had been any physical violence and I said no. He asked if we had the police out here before for physical violence and I said no – not in Minnesota but in California I was the 911 queen.

One officer was outside talking with my husband and then the officer that was talking to me went outside. Then my husband came in with boxes and they said that he was leaving and started taking his stuff.

He took son with him. I asked the officer that had talked only with him to encourage Mike to go the marriage counseling session that was scheduled the following Monday at 5:00pm.

The next day I went to work and came home, and then husband asked if he could come back home. I said yes. So that night we didn’t talk to each other.

Wed. night, the 12th – he called me at work. It was about 10 minutes after I got off but I was still trying to get the copier to do what one of my bosses wanted me to do and he called and started harassing me about the loan. He kept on asking if I was going to sign the loan. I said could we talk about it when I got home.
I came home a little bit late. When I got home he was really irate, but I ignored him the best that I could. I told him that unless I felt comfortable with his intentions, I would not sign the loan, but that I wanted to do it for him but I was not trusting of him. He started in on me being a paranoid –schizophrenic and kept on wanting to fight with me. I think he wanted to try and get me thrown out again, in hindsight. Anyway, I was helping Ryan with his homework project, and I was telling him what a good job he was doing, and Ryan wrote in his book report that his mother should tell him he is doing a good job more often.

Mike and I began to argue again. I have gotten to the point of when he wants to argue that I try and find out what he wants ultimately so we can negotiate about it. I didn’t want a divorce but I wanted to find out if that was his ulterior motive for fighting at the moment again, because he seemed to understand that I would not sign on the loan until after we went to marriage counseling. I asked him if he would sign the truck over to me and I would give him the car; I told him that I got approval for a car loan to get rid of the truck (which is something that he had asked me to do within the last week or so), and I asked him if we could decide how much the truck was worth (and how much the car was worth), and I was approaching him about a 50/50 custody, etc.

He called Ryan in from the bedroom come to the living room. Ryan is like his shield, and he can intimidate me with saying he will take Ryan from me. He knows that is the thing that scares me the most. It is the button that he can push to get me to go along with whatever he is demanding of me at that moment.

I more or less called his bluff and asked Ryan for his input on when he wanted to see his mom….

Mike and Ryan went to lay on the bed that is in the living room. I sat on the bottom of the bed and asked Mike and Ryan if we could just agree to disagree and not hate each other so much and not argue and fight all of the time, could we just say good night to one another and try and get along.

I do not feel this is a false OFP as my husband now claims: This is what I wrote for the OFP:


ON 5-12-04 AT APPROXIMATE TIME: 10:30-11:30PM IN THE PRESENCE OF OUR SON, MIKE THREATENED ME AND SAID I WOULD BE SORRY IF I DIDN’T GO INTO THE BEDROOM. HE GRABBED ME BY THE UPPER ARMS AND SHOVED/THREW ME OFF THE BED. MY HEAD HIT THE FIREPLACE HEARTH. I BEGAN BLEEDING PROFUSELY, AND MY SON SCREAMED “DAD YOU KILLED MY MOTHER’ OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I WAS CRYING, SHAKING AND FELT NAUSEATED. MIKE YELLED AT RYAN TO GET A TOWEL TO PUT UNDER MY HEAD BECAUSE OF THE BLOOD. RYAN GOT A TOWEL AND MY HUSBAND TOLD RYAN THAT I WAS FINE AND THAT THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. I STRUGGLED TO MY FEET AND GOT OUT THE FRONT DOOR AND DOWN THE STEPS AND WAS HEADED TOWARD MY NEIGHBORS HOUSE FOR HELP AND MY HUSBAND TACKEDLED ME TO THE GROUND AND DRUG ME TO THE CAR. MY SHOE CAME OFF IN THE PROCESS, AND THEN HE OPENED THE DOOR TO THE CAR AND ORDERED ME IN. I TOLD HIM I WAS MISSING A SHOE, AND WANTED PERMISSION TO GO GET IT, BUT HE YELLED AT ME TO GET IN THE CAR. I CRAWLED UP FROM THE GROUND INTO THE CAR, AND MIKE YELLED AT RYAN TO GET ANOTHER TOWEL SO THE BLOOD WOULD NOT GET ON THE UPHOLSTERY. WE WENT SOUTH ON HIGHWAY 27 TOWARDS THE HOSPITAL IN FERGUS FALLS AND ALONG THE WAY HE TOLD RYAN THAT THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME AND THAT I WAS “PLAYING THIS OUT FOR ALL IT WAS WORTH” AND THAT I WOULD TRY TO GET HIM PUT IN JAIL, BECAUSE I AM THE MOST DESPICABLE WOMAN IN THE WHOLE EARTH. HE TOLD US THAT HE WAS GOING TO DROP RYAN OFF AT HIS SISTER CATHY’S HOUSE, WHO LIVES OFF OF HWY 27 BETWWEEN OUR HOUSE AND FERGUS FALLS. I OBJECTED, AND SO DID RYAN, BUT MIKE INSISTED SO RYAN AGREED WITH HIS FATHER. ONCE ARRIVING AT THE FARM, THE LIGHTS IN THE HOUSE WERE OFF. MIKE TOLD RYAN TO GET OUT AND GO INTO CATHY’S HOUSE, AND RYAN GOT OUT OF THE CAR. I REACHED FOR THE DOOR TO GET OUT ALSO, AND MIKE HIT THE POWER LOCK BUTTON. I REACHED OVER TO HONK THE HORN SO SOMEONE WOULD KNOW I WAS THERE, I WAS AFRAID HE WOULD KILL ME BETWEEN CATHY’S HOUSE AND THE HOSPITAL. I TOLD RYAN TO GET BACK IN THE CAR AND RYAN WAS AFRAID TO GET IN THE CAR AND AFRAID TO GET OUT. MIKE DECIDED WE WERE WASTING TIME AND TOLD RYAN TO GET IN THE CAR AND WE WOULD JUST GO TO THE HOSPITAL TOGETHER. AFTER WE ARRIVED IN FERGUS FALLS AND BEFORE GETTING TO THE HOSPITAL, MIKE ASKED US TO SAY IT WAS AN ACCIDENT AND SAY THAT I FELL. WE TOLD HIM WE WOULD DO THAT. THE HOSPITAL CLEANED ME UP, AND THE DOCTOR PUT STAPLES IN MY HEAD TO HOLD THE GASH TOGETHER AND STOP THE BLEEDING. I TOLD THE NURSE (WHEN I THOUGHT THAT MIKE WASN’T LISTENING) THAT I DID NOT FALL, SHE CALLED THE DOCTOR, AND THE DOCTOR TOLD ME THEY WERE GOING TO CALL THE POLICE. I DID NOT WANT MIKE TO BE ARRESTED, BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID HOW ANGRY HE WOULD GET.

LH - I don't know!
I do know that a psychologist evaluated me on the 24th of May and said that I don't have a mental illness but that I make a poor choice in men and that I could have some extensive testing to see if there is anything in the extensive tests....

Could it be that I am an INFP? Could it be my need to fix? You all know me so long now, what do you think?

Love you all,
TNT
Posted By: trustntruth Re: Plan B - 07/16/04 03:35 PM
Plan "D" Strategies.... uggh

<small>[ July 16, 2004, 10:37 AM: Message edited by: trustntruth ]</small>
Posted By: trustntruth Re: Plan B - 07/16/04 03:56 PM
Here is an email that I got from my aunt. I have NO support from my family. None. Not my parents or not my children or my sister. They think they are enabling me by helping me. I haven't heard from any of them. And when I contact them they will barely talk to me! No support! Then they attack me when I ask for help on what to do about the title on the truck! I can't believe it!
***

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">-----Original Message-----
From: Shirley Woo.... [mailto:woo....@comcast.net]
Sent: Friday, July 16, 2004 12:45 AM
To: Connie
Subject: Fraud is fraud


I think you should tell the lawyer that you are going to report Mike for signing your name or giving
false information; and I would tell my lawyer about this. Also, have someone give you an estimate
of what your car is worth or go on the internet and you can find out what the book says.

R*** forged T***** signature on their income tax return and then she did nothing so he gave her
about 1/4 or 1/3 of the money. I am sure she would of been better off to tell her lawyer and his
lawyer--maybe, she would of ended up with the house.

You do not have to be mean, but it is the truth and if it was on the other foot, would he not tell
the truth if he gained by it.

If you feel it is O.K. for Mike to do whatever he wants with your name--then, you should let him
have everything he wants. Not that he will be any nicer to you--just think of what he did to wife
number 1?

Divorce is never nice when you are married to a man like Mike. All he wants you to do is go
away and leave him and Ryan alone; and any money he has or hidden.

You went back and signed that second on your house and then he invested the money that he
wanted to. You knew he was going to do that. Connie, please don't tell me you did not know
that.

Connie, you are a very beautiful woman and very smart and can hold your own at any job. But
you seem to think that it is all right for men to abuse you and that you have it coming.

I know I have never talked to you like this before, but I hate to see you get in the same mental
state that I saw you in over Br*** and his second wife. I am afriad for your mental state and
for you physical safety.

Mike is not dumb and he seems to know how to hurt and abuse you and you are allowing it to
happen to you. Just think back when Br*** wife would come to the door in her police uniform
and unflip her pistol holder. Also, she went to the police and had them convinced you were not
all there.

You had all the right to call the police and report her because she was not to be in uniform and
coming to your house.

Many prayers went out for your safety and mental state then; and this is a repeat of prayers that we are
all praying now.

We all know when we do not hear from you for several weeks or months that you are having trouble
with Mike.

When we were there and I saw how mean and disrespectfully Ryan was to you, I wanted to slap his
face and wash his mouth out with soap. That is why one night, I asked Mike if he respected his
mother, which he said he did. I told him he should also teach Ryan to respect his mother. He just
looked at me, but I felt I had to say it.

She**** and Can*** were saying things I did not like about Terry; and I told them never to talk bad
about my daughter in front of me again. They were very shocked. I guess, I am too old to care if
someone feels I am being to hard on someone.

We are all worried and praying for Robert and Ja**** and Tr**** because they are going through some-
thing they have no control over.

Mike and you break up and make up and from what I hear, you still love Mike. Are you sure that is
love?

Please look in your heart and see if you are afriad of another divorce (which you might call a failure)
but I do not call a divorce where there is abuse or physical harm a failure--the Lord is looking into
Mike's heart and he does not see a forgiving heart.

If he was a decent man, he would try to meet you 1/2 WAY and consider your child that you both
could agree on raising together. NO, he likes to teach Ryan to hate, cuss or do anything so that he
can have complete control over him. He wants Ryan to be just like him--AN EVIL MAN.

Connie, I am not sorry for anything I wrote to you; and I hope you realize that I am worried about my
brother and T***. This is very hard on them and I do not see any end to your PROBLEMS AS LONG
AS YOU WANT TO CONSIDER MIKE. YOU ARE GOING TO BE HIS ENEMY--YOU ARE ALL READY
HIS ENEMY BECAUSE YOU WON'T GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS.

DID YOU NOT WATCH MIKE AND KNOCK HIS FIRST WIFE DOWN? HOW DID THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?

When you went to the hospital, Ryan was afriad you were going to die? Now, he tells you he wants to kill
you. Think and rethink what has happened to Ryan.

I have to quit writing because I do not know if I am going to get through to you.

May the Lord bless you and have the Holy Spirit cover you from head to foot and protect you from all danger.

Love as always, Aunt Shirley </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Posted By: lonesome heart Re: Plan B - 07/16/04 06:04 PM
tnt, it pains me grievously to say this, but I think you will find yourself more and more alone if you seek support for staying with your abusive husband. I cannot support such actions or beliefs.

A good wife should be treated as someone precious. I respect your desire to BE a good wife, tnt. You are not, however, being treated with the dignity and respect that you deserve. Such actions deserve a rebuke! I see your actions as a determination to give your h rewards NO MATTER WHAT. You do yourself a disservice. He does not deserve any kind of reward for his actions. He deserves rebukes, and plenty of them. He has the power here, and you've handed it to him lock stock and barrel. He is using that power to control your son. Your son is turning into a carbon copy of your h. And you have trouble understanding why you have a lack of support for your decisions?

I don't understand tnt. It's beyond my comprehension. I can understand a reluctance to give up. I can understand being stubborn and refusing to let go. There has to be a point, however, where reality must prevail over wishful thinking. Maybe I have a log in my own eye that I should be tending, but I really don't think so on this one. I will pray that you might see clearly tnt. I will pray that you hear whispers in your ear that come from God that will lead you to safety for yourself and your child. Please seek out professional help and don't give up until you find it. You need help from a professional who's well educated in matters of abuse. Traumatic bonding is common (aka the Stockholm syndrome).
Posted By: trustntruth Re: Plan B - 07/16/04 07:15 PM
I am not seeking support to STAY with my abusive husband!

I am seeking help to get out an abusive life!

I do not want a divorce, but I don't want abuse, either!

My preference is for God to heal my husband and stop this abuse in our relationship and restore the marriage.

BUT if that isn't going to happen then I want this over!

I want to stay married, but I don't want to stay married to an abuser. Does that make sense?

Is something messed up here? Why does everyone think I have gone back to him? I only TALKED to him last week but that is it. He tried to con me and I saw through it.
Posted By: trustntruth Re: Plan B - 07/16/04 07:21 PM
The thing I don't get, is that I haven't had support, and I haven't wanted to lose my son, so I have stayed. I have begged him in the past to work it out - just for the sake of being a mother to my son.

I still can't get an attorney. I am up to over 45 of them that I have contacted that I cannot get. When does a person just give up?

I don't want to go back to an abusive situation. But I'll tell you, with the brick walls that I hit just trying to get out of one, it is amazing that I am still trying to stay sane and safe. If a person really gives up they will go back KNOWING they will some day be killed.

I talked to an attorney just a minute ago that says that I will not have my son anymore. That I am going to lose him.

If he is the only thing left to live for, and I am going to lose him....

I know I would be contemplating suicide by going back to this man. That is not what I want, but I don't want to lose my son...

I am in a quandry and I have NO support! unbelievable.
Posted By: lonesome heart Re: Plan B - 07/16/04 10:30 PM
I understand you don't want a failed marriage.

I understand you don't want abuse in your life.

Those are things that you want, things you don't currently have.

To oppose a divorce in progress, to want marriage counseling with a dangerously abusive man -- these are not things I would classify as brick walls. What are these brick walls you speak of? I really and truly do NOT understand tnt. Please seek counsel from your church. Ask for lessons about man's free will and the extremes to which God will allow us our free will. Be willing to see truth for what it is.
Posted By: trustntruth Re: Plan B - 07/16/04 11:10 PM
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't want to go back to an abusive situation. But I'll tell you, with the brick walls that I hit just trying to get out of one </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The brick walls are:

1) No family support. They are not supportive, and will not help me at all. Not monetarily, not with middle of the night prayers, not with emotional support, nothing. That hurts WAY MORE than the lack of love and protection, and abuse that I got from Mike. (I learned that last November when Mike went to law enforcement and child psychologist and said that he and Ryan thought I would kill them. My family was not eager to help instead they said, no, that it is God's will whatever happens, because we "prayed" about it.)
2) Law enforcement is schmoozed and I can PROVE it but I can't post why I know it... It is on the stand provable.
3) No Legal Services support -how do I prove the truth without a lawyer that will fight for me
4) I am isolated out here in Rural MN
5) No job = no safe haven of normalcy, and recently losing my job makes me feel like a failure and I really did try my hardest - and this contributes to my feeling of inadequacy and my inability to support myself or my son, contributing to a dependent victimized hopelessness
6) Son is oppositional
7) Am in small town so no anonymity and this person talks to that person and if he schmoozes this person then the next person is schmoozed too
8) I asked my church to help me but they wouldn't because they want to be neutral (son goes to school there and they hope to be able to minister to him if he ever wants it)
9) No money and no way to get the money he stole back
10) His children and some of his family members mommy-bash contributing to my powerlessness in parenting

Had an incident today. Son has bullying behavior big-time. His teacher and friends tell me this all the time. I have been called by an attorney friend neighbor whose grandchildren know Ryan and have come home and complained about his bullying behavior.

Just today: Ryan's friend spent the night. Ryan had asked friend to spend the night at my house and the court order said to return him at 7 am to his dads so he brought his friend with him. I asked Ryan if he had permission from his dad and he said no, but that was not a problem. He said he tried to get permission but his dad was not answering his cell phone on Thursday night. (Dad is always available and when dad is not it surprises me.) Anyway I thought that Ryan knew best.

So Ryan and his friend went to his dad's and I didn't feed them because Ryan wanted to warm up some cinnamon rolls that his dad bought at his dads house. So everything was fine.

I get a call at about 11:00a from his friend's mother saying that Ryan's dad is not with the boys, that he gave them money and let them go to dairy queen by themselves and that my son was bullying her son and he was crying and what could I do about it. (He lives probably 7 miles from there, and I live about 15 miles from there from opposite directions.) So I went to DQ and picked up the friend. Ryan was there - no sign of dad - and they each had a bike.

Ryan and the friend started to argue and I told the friend to get in the car and I would take him home. Then I heard Ryan say that the friend was a selfish little baby and a lazy good for nothing and he wanted nothing more to do with him because he is selfish (paraphrased).

I stayed there talking to Ryan until his dad showed up. (Ryan called his dad on the cell to tell him I was at DQ.) H started putting bikes in the jeep and I kept asking Ryan what his side of the story was, I did hear what the friend's side of the story was. Son was with dad and we were talking on cell phone and son said "you are just going to call me a liar anyway, why should i tell you anything". Not true. I don't call my son a liar. But I am not going to let him get away with bad behavior.

Was I scared? YES. I was scared. I was angry too. Why did he give these kids money and tell them to get lost? What was more important? None of my business. But Ryan said that his dad was at the hairdressers or at his attorneys.

I have given son money and let him go to pizza parlour across the street from my work before, just so he had something to do while I worked... Just yesterday I dropped the boys off at the dentist while I had another appointment and picked them up down the street at the movie gallery...

This is just so typical behavior of my son to bully his friends and he wonders why he has to beg his friends after a a month of refusals to get them to come over and visit with him.

I'm rambling....
Posted By: lonesome heart Re: Plan B - 07/17/04 12:18 AM
>>10) His children and some of his family members mommy-bash contributing to my powerlessness in parenting<<

Let's start with this one.

Earlier in this very same post you said you receive multiple complaints about your son's bullying behavior, yet you conclude "Anyway I thought that Ryan knew best."

You have given away every last inch of your parenting power. I feel like I'm coming down on you like a ton of bricks here tnt. I doubt there's one helpful thing I can say to you that will be within your comfort zone.

How close is the nearest city? Sometimes counselors travel to outlying areas so people can receive services.

Ask some of those dozens of attorneys WHY they are refusing to represent you.
Posted By: trustntruth Re: Plan B - 07/17/04 06:24 AM
I thought Ryan knew best about what his dad would say about his friend coming over there today. It was Ryans idea, Ryan's dad's house, and Ryan's friend. I didn't know what his dad would say, that is odvious. I don't know what they had planned toay. Ryan would know more than I would about that.

Why could't I get those attorney's to represent me? Because part of the strategy of my husband is to contact all of those attorneys so that they would be unable to represent me because of a conflict.

How do I know it was a strategy? a) Crisis center told me this was the same strategy as one of their worse abusers, who happened to live with my step-daughter last year. This other abuser guy burned his house down with his family in it. He lived in my stepdaughters house while he waited to go to trial. His strategy became my husbands strategy. b) This is also supported by MN Battered Women's Legal Advocacy Project. Talked to them today. They substantiated to me that this is the new strategy that abusers are using, contacting all these attorneys and telling them their side of the story and then those attorneys will have a conflict if they represent me. c) Because I talked to 35 attorneys by the end of May that had been contacted by my husband.

I also was turned down by another 9 attorneys in the past month. These are attorneys 1) that have been contacted by husband, 2) require a $10,000 retainer, 3) Do not have time

As far as counseling.... I am receiving individual counseling - son is receiving individual counseling, - and we have an intensive-in-home therapist that hopefully can continue to provide services until he is schmoozed by husband.
Posted By: Mitzi Re: Plan B - 07/18/04 08:37 PM
tnt,

Hi! I've been following along...although silently. I'm just not sure what kind of help to give you. I know you're desperate.

I'm really sorry to say this...But I can't believe your family. Abuse is not God's will. And sometimes, I think that no matter how much you pray, it's not going to just "go away". I prayed for over 10 years and all it got me was more bruises and alot of emotional damage for me and my children. And no matter how much you want to, you just can't reconcile with an abuser unless they realize that they have a problem and get help for that first. I don't see that happening in your situation. Your H doesn't believe that he is wrong about anything and has so many people backing him. He'll never see the light that way.

And about your son, he needs to be kept from his dad. He will grow up to be an abuser. My sons haven't been around their father but maybe 10 times in the past 4.5 years and I still worry about my 2 oldest. (ages 12 and 14) They have such horrible tempers and can be VERY disrespectful. We (my new H and I) are having a lot of problems with my oldest. He's been smoking, and smoking pot. Plus he ran off one time and I had to get the Sheriff to help look for him. He was gone for over 24 hours. It always seems that just when everything seems to be going good, something happens to put me back into "that place". It's hard for anyone involved in abuse to fully recover. Please, PLEASE get lots of help for him!

As for you, keep your chin up! Your determination will pay off!

Lots of (((((HUGS)))))
Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Posted By: Quiet_Goodbye Re: Plan B - 07/19/04 12:24 AM
Hi TnT,

I am feeling a little like LH and Mitzi here... for two reasons most of all.

Your family -- what the H-E-double-hockey-sticks are these people THINKING? When my parents found out that David was hurting me in ways they hadn't realized (pulling hair, name-calling) they were HORRIFIED. They are respectful to him on the rare occasion they see him, as he is my kid's father, but they do NOT love him like they once did. HOW COULD THEY?

Think if it were YOUR DAUGHTER/SISTER/AUNT? If *she* told you that she had stitches in her head from her H. Would you be saying, "Now, now, girly, just get back in there and fight for your marriage!!"?? C'mon... anyone who loves you would want you to be SAFE, for crying out loud.

I read that email and had to read the dang thing THREE TIMES because I couldn't tell *what* was being said. At first it seemed like she was siding with Mike... then you... then Ryan... then Mike... what the h***?????????

Secondly, abuse is abuse is abuse is abuse. When David pulled doors off hinges and punched holes in walls, that *shoulda* been a hint, but it wasn't. I was lucky in that he never hit me (well, except once when he slapped my face because I called his 1st OW a name)... see how it is, TnT? I hate to say it, even now. We never want to admit that the men we love(d) abuse us. Somehow it makes US feel flawed.

WE AREN'T THE ONES FLAWED, THEY ARE.

I don't know what I can say either... except to add to the chorus and tell you to keep trying until you find someone to HELP YOU GUYS.

((((((((((((((TnT)))))))))))))))

WOMAN, YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS. STOP THE INSANITY NOW AND TAKE CARE OF YOU AND RYAN... BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

Next time it may be more than stitches and it may be more than your head. If Ryan tries to protect you, he could be hurt or killed. Please hear me. Hear us!
Posted By: trustntruth Re: Plan B - 07/19/04 07:20 PM
What am I doing that you don't want me to do?
Please be more specific.

I "Am" doing the following:

1) I am trying to find an attorney so that I don't lose my son and my assets by default. Have MAJOR obstacles there. More than what is normal obstacle3s. More than just money obstacles.

2) Abiding by the order for protection.

3) Getting individual counseling

4) Calling for help at crisis center (what a joke... and it aint funny.)

5) Getting intensive in-home therapy for son and I

6) Getting individual counseling for son

7) Trying to take care of my medical issues

8) Praying for my husbands salvation, repentance and change, asking for others to help me pray for GOOD things not bad things, praying for my son and I, praying for my safety, calling the police when I need it, doing everything that I can do to advocate for my family and I.

9) Asking for support and help from family and friends

10) Trying to do what is right for everyone. Including not standing there and taking more abuse. I drew my line in the sand.

<small>[ July 19, 2004, 02:21 PM: Message edited by: trustntruth ]</small>
Posted By: Mitzi Re: Plan B - 07/19/04 08:03 PM
tnt...

You're not doing anything wrong. I think you're doing everything you need to do. I think because you mention possibly having a marriage with your H AFTER he gets help, well..it's just hard for some people to understand. But I do. For a while after my ex and I split up, I would've taken him back in a heartbeat. I was willing to put up with anything from him just to be with him. It's very hard to get out of an abusive relationship and actually move on. You spend all of your time trying to please someone who can't be pleased. And when they're not there, you don't know what to do. There's no one to please.

Just keep trying, hon. It'll eventually work. Someone gave you advice to call the state's attorney general. I think that is a great idea!!

(((((HUGS)))))
Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Posted By: Quiet_Goodbye Re: Plan B - 07/19/04 08:15 PM
TnT,

Among all the hugs coming to you is probably a bit of frustration -- NOT WITH YOU, but with YOUR SITUATION.

I will back off now. Clearly I am upsetting you, and that's the LAST thing you need.

I know how it feels to tell your story and feel like nobody *really* understands.

Like Mitzi, I do understand how come you want your marriage to work *if and when* your H gets help. I felt the same way about David for YEARS. Nothing really changed though, because HE WOULD NOT GET HELP. I did, but he just did NOT see his part in the drama. I stayed with him for 20 years. I very much "get it"... I promise.

As I said, I'll back off... know that you're being thought of with warmth and love... it's just hard to sit by and watch someone you care about be beaten down, that's all.

YOU AREN'T DOING ANYTHING WRONG.

(((((((((TnT)))))))))
Posted By: ThornedRose Re: Plan B - 07/20/04 04:58 PM
TnT,

Your not doing anything wrong--

I haven't read all of the posts--but your son is scared right now--He witnessed his dad throw you and crack your head open--and as your son said--his dad tried to kill you--so he understand's what's going on--

Abusive people are sick people--and I'm sure he is telling your son that if he doesn't go with him--He will hurt mommy again--so in his own way your son is trying to protect you--

And your son living in his own fear that if he goes against his dad---dad will turn on HIM too--
so he's doing the only thing he can think of to protect BOTH of you---

My prayers are with you both--
Posted By: ThornedRose Re: Plan B - 07/21/04 05:54 AM
trustntruth,

In reading your aunt's e-mail I would have to say that she is being supportive of you--

She is not however living the life that you are--
she is not stuck in the abuse--and is trying to encourage you to draw on the strength you have in Christ to remove yourself from this situation--

This is going to be difficult to for you to hear
but I feel I must say it--

God is NOT going to swoop down and change your husband--God is NOT going to force Your husband to change--He has to WANT to change--and right now
He has NO DESIRE to do so--So it isn't going to happen--the sooner you come to terms with that--the sooner you will be able to get out of the marriage--

--I am not seeking support to STAY with my abusive husband!--

TR--Your husband IS NOT going to change--so if you STAY in the marriage--you will continue to be abused--

--I do not want a divorce, but I don't want abuse, either!--

TR--I understand this desire--many of us here do-
but from all that has been shared you can't have BOTH--You either divorce him--or continue to be abused--the choice IS YOURS!!!


--I want to stay married, but I don't want to stay married to an abuser. Does that make sense?

TR--It makes perfect sense--but please understand
you can't FIX YOUR HUSBAND--You can't make Him want to change--He has to be WILLING TO CHANGE!!

--Is something messed up here? Why does everyone think I have gone back to him? --

TR--I guess the reason so many people think your going back to him is out of fear of losing your son--fear of what He will do if you leave with your son--his manipulation and your desire to be loved by this man--who doesn't even love himself--
who doesn't even KNOW what love is--

but God does not intend for YOU to stay in an abusive marriage--it appears that you are putting your desire for your husband's love above the Love of God has for you--

Not everyone will come to accept Christ as their Savior--Not everyone will enter Heaven--even many of those we love will never see a need to repent--
they are blinded to the truth--
Posted By: lizpearl's_back Re: Plan B - 08/03/04 12:36 PM
Hi y'all,

Remember me -- Taj and I started this forum in 1999.

Just wanted to encourage you that hubby and I are planning how to celebrate our 20th.

This is something I NEVER thought we'd get to.

If you want to chat me, please post in WBS but start a new string -- I don't want to stomp on your conversation.

hugs,

lizzie, lizpearl, POGP, wearer of the occasional thong .... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

----------------
Posted By: Mitzi Re: Plan B - 08/05/04 02:23 AM
Hi Liz!

Wondered where you've been! Must be out buying thongs! LOL

Good to see you!
Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Posted By: ta2793 Re: Plan B - 08/06/04 08:50 PM
TNT
Im new to this site been through a bit myself. Ive never posted but read very much. I just want you to know that ive been reading your posts for a month or so and I have been praying for you and your situation. My very best friend was in a situation similar to yours. she is out of it now but it took much strength to do what she needed to do for herself and her kids. Just know I am praying for you and I will continue.
God Bless You
Posted By: saraiismine Re: Plan B - 09/17/05 02:55 AM
Wow TNT, this is SueB, can't remember my password after all this time and no longer at the same email address! I am so glad you are still here and that this study is stil going on. Hubby and I have separated and I have serious doubts about reconcilliation, especially in light of Dan Allendar's teaching in Bold Love about reconcilliation coming after remorse. I do not think there ever will be any. I was kind of shocked to recognize the emotional abuse that occurred in the relationship. If anything differed from his thinking patterns, then we were all messed up. His identified needs were bdsm related and he wanted to be god first and foremost. My God says no comes before Him.

At any rate, I felt the need to touch base again for some reason. blessings to all of you ladies.
Posted By: lonesome heart Re: Plan B - 10/31/05 01:43 AM
Hi SueB! Looks like you posted a while back. Hope you see this. I hope tnt is alive and thriving. This forum helped me so much at the time I needed lots of help.
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