I guess I knocked her off the fence.

I tried to tell her what I needed - trust, honesty... she didn't want to go there. When I told her I could not live without those things; she said it was over.
My life is over.

What happened? Did she leave?

Yes.
She left.
She's a serial cheater. I should have done this six years ago.
I Love her. I miss her. I'm broken.
I really don't care about anything at this point.

Cruz, I am sure sorry to hear it. Have you considered Plan B? It is my opinion that it is impossible to change a serial cheater. They can change if they choose to, but you can't change her.

Oh so sorry. I hope you can find the grace and strength to realize you are strong enough to go on another hour.

cruz, i am sorry for your pain. i will be praying for your family.

Our seven year old little girl is at her grandpa's house right now.
I just got off the phone with my Mom. She didn't know anything about this until tonight.
My darling little baby girl is so fragile. She's seven. She Loves her Momma and Daddy so much.
It's happened.
What I dreaded more than anything has happened. I don't know what to do.
I've gotten what I deserved.

why do you think you deserve this?? you don't

don't give up yet cruz, keep the faith. i think writing a plan b note might be a good idea, keeping in mind that it is a love letter, letting her know that you want this marriage to survive even now.

i can't imagine anyone having enough strenght to endure this but look at bob pure, he did it, you can too!!!

I do deserve this. I cheated on my first wife with this woman. I destroyed an incredible family. I deserve everything I'm getting.
My xw's family still Loves me. I don't deserve that.
I don't deserve anything.

Well, Cruz, I suppose it feels just as bad, however your marriage started.

Right now you are miserable, but it will get better.

is it safe for me to say that reading this made me cry..?

I'm so very sorry to hear about the pain you're going through - its tragic the bond that we people share together; but together, we can endure. Don't give up hope - there is ALWAYS light on the end of the tunnel, believe me...I can speak from experience.

I had to jump out of "Lurk" status for you buddy! We are two peas in a pod and I was hoping to hear from you soon...

First and foremost, you HAVE to forgive yourself for what you did...YOU HAVE TO!!!

YOur life isn't over...you are now in for a ROUGH ride...no doubt, but you WILL come out the other side a better person...you already are!

Would you ever be a party to infidelity again? ****** NO!!!! YOu have grown!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

The constant @$$-beating you give yourself is NOT healthy! Please get some IC for this...life is hard enough without kicking your own @$$. I know...I am guilty of it too.

I started by apologizing to my XW and the XH of my STBXW...that's a good start.

Instead of "kicking my @$$", I tell myself, "My moral values are FIRMLY set" whenever the urge to clobber myself arises...negative thinking is a downward spiral...things will be tough enough with a divorce...please forgive yourself...

WRT your STBXW, when you look back at this time in a year, you will be glad you did it...trust me. I take it you have a DD with WW or is she an SD?

From what you have written, she has NEVER shown any ACTION toward reconciliation, has she? I got the SAME THING! A lot of words, but NO action...they are cake-eaters of the highest form.

The BEST answer at this point, IMO, is NO CONTACT! Get a lawyer and proceed with NC as much as humanly possible...every day I don't see STBXW is a good one.

WRT to D, you have to get it done soon...MOVE forward in your life..you WILL be better off once you are single.

Now is the time to further cultivae a relationship with your kids...they will appreciate it and it will keep your mind off your troubles...

My kids are too far away, so I have to content myself with watching the entire "Soprano's" series on DVD! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

My e-mail is in my sig line, so feel free o drop me a line ANYTIME!!!!

You are a GOOD person...don't forget it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

YOur buddy,

Scott

Plan B will not get the attention of such a cheater...

Being is the same boat, Having really worked at the M AND once it has been established that the serial cheater REALLY has NO desire to establish trust and honesty in the M...it is my opinion it is best to skip Plan B and go DIRECTLY to Plan D.

FWIW,

Scott

Cruz,

Lords lady posted these very wise words over in the After Divorce forum...they really spoke to me.

Please read them and see what you think...



Best wishes,

Scott

Bump for Cruz...

Hang in there buddy...

Scott

Cruz,

I just went back and read all your posts.

All I can say is that I am sorry.It is tragic,all the mistakes made,the life you left to have with this "soulmate" OW.Truly tragic.It's a case study in Adultery and the soulmate farce.

I do wish you well though.In time,you can get on with your life.However you choose to live it from now on.

O

Thanks Scott.

You made me feel better. It's the first thing I've felt today... somebody I don't even know taking the time to encourage me. I'm struggling right now my friend, and I really do appreciate it.

While I've been numb today I HAVE been constructive: I had all the locks changed so she can't come in and wipe me out. I went and started a new individual checking account. I didn't take anything out of our joint account or savings - she's probably already cleaned those out anyway. I stashed $2K for just this reason.

I found a really good lawyer - who happens to be a female - with a reputation for getting custody for Fathers. I've got to protect my sweet little girl from this woman.

You're right Scott... I'm NOT a WS anymore. There is no way that I would ever do that to another human being again.

I'm in a lot of pain right now, but I'm going to get through this. I'm not interested in looking for somebody else in the next couple of years. I need to work on me, and put all my energy into my children. I hope that one day I'll be lucky enough to find some one I can trust to let into my life again.

Thanks my friend,

Cruz

Cruz,

I have followed your story for a very long time, ever since I read one of the most compassionate and honest posts I have ever read on this board from you.

I am sorry to read of your current sitch, and of the incredible pain I know you are trying to cope with now.

Please know that there are many here who care about you, regardless of what you have done in the past. We are ALL imperfect and we all have done things in the past which have hurt others, but there comes a time when we need to forgive ourselves, or forever bring a self-fulfilling prophesy of "deserving" into our lives.

We manifest what ever we think we deserve.

You have paid for your sins Cruz, it is time to seek self-forgiveness and joy.

I am glad that you are at a place where this can come to fruition.

If your WW ever does change, then you and she are both worthy of a marriage sanctified and blessed by the Lord, our Father.

And if you choose not with her, than with someone else. Or alone if that is where happiness finds you.

Please know this.

Thank you Weaver.

I am hurting so very badly right now, but there is also an underlying feeling of relief. This is the only way this nightmare can ever end.

I was so naive. I was lured away from the first love of my life by this woman. I'm to blame for letting it happen, but I didn't understand how evil people can be.

I didn't understand that not all people are honest and basically good.

To say wether sone one has been "punished" enough for their sins is really not for others to say. It's self evident in the actions of the offender. I am humbled by the depths of the damage I've done, and resolute in my determination to never do it again.

Again, my sincere thanks for your words of encouragement.

Cruz

Cruz, Weaver said it well..accept the forgiveness offered you and let yourself off the hook.

I just got off the phone with her Dad.
It's over.

Cruz,

As you already know, it is only over if you want it to be over.

This is your story Cruz, your play, your stage. What is it that YOU want?

We are all the writers of our own script, once we realize this, the world is our oyster.

You hold the reigns here.

Where is it you want to go?

Home.

Home? What do you mean?

Good on you! It sounds like you are making positive progress...

Being that I am a few weeks ahead, I'll warn you of some of the things that tripped me up...

- Being alone sucks for the first few weeks, but once you get into your new home routine w/o WW, it gets a lot better.

- Unless your WW comes to you with DEFINITIVE ACTION to reconcile that required REAL SACRIFICE on her part, don't waste your time...words mean NOTHING to people like our STBXW's.

- It sounds like your financials should be working out OK...changing to one income requires some "adjustment", but once the change has "taken", it is easier...

- Will maintaining NC be an easy thing? The more you can avoid STBXW, the more time you have to extricate her from your heart and you'll soon feel nothing for her.
-- My STBXW came by Monday night for the last of her things and she isn't attractive to me AT ALL anymore. I was polite, but she knew that my being in her presence was an undesirable place for me.

- Think of your D...she is the MOST important person at this point...the more you can focus on her, the less you'll focus on your issues.

Keep us updated...

Keep on keepin' on! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Scott

I'll ask the pointed question...please don't be offended..

Are you having any thoughts of hurting yourself or others? That answer of "Home" struck me a "different"...perhaps I missed a part of the message that an Internet forum cannot convey? I have been know to be wrong once in a while! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Let us know...you have suffered enough without adding that turd into your messkit.

Praying for you (as much as an agnostic can! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />)

Scott

Weaver,

You asked "Where is it you want to go?" and the first thing that popped in my mind was home.
Not home in the sense of a place, but home in the sense of my life. I so want my innocence back. I ventured out into the world and found out it is a hard place. I didn't know what a wonderful life I had until I walked away from it.

I have been in unrelenting pain since February 26th 1996. That was the day that I made the choice to ask my future WW out to lunch and started this destructive process. Home is me just before I picked up that phone, dialed her extension and said "Do you have any plans for lunch today?"

I don't know if that makes any sense, but right now not much does.

Cruz

Glad to hear you are doing as well as can be expected...the withdrawals from STBXW will be tough, so minimizing contact to NECESSARY and BRIEF times helps with the detachment process.

It's almost scary...our coincidences.

My STBXW and I had been "flirting" since the summer of '95 and we both went TDY and "consummated" our cheating relationship at the end of March 1996.

Isn't that strange how are "start" and "stop" dates are so close together?

Scott

Scott,

On a forum where so many people have common experiences, ours stand out as exceptionally similar.

Bump for Cruz...

Hope all is going as well as can be expected... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Scott

Yes. I know of this home which you speak.

Go home Cruz. It is where you belong.

Are you sober?

Don't stop posting. Talk to us. We care about you. I care about you.

You know Cruz, it is good to feel the pain. It is through the pain that we heal, but there also comes a time when you must let the pain go, and seek the joy, the innocense once again.

It is there still... the innocense, and the hope, the faith and the joy.

It's there.

If I could I would take your pain, because I know that you have had too much. My shoulders are once again strong. I can handle it.

I am glad that you have let her go. But I know that now comes the part that you can reject., or grab onto. The part where you find yourself again, where you know that you have atoned, and that you deserve to be happy once again.

This is the part that worries me about you.

You deserve to be happy Cruz, because you are a child of God. And He loves you. He knows your heart.

Hang on guy.