For two and a half years, I have been fighting with every bit of my being to save my failing marriage with Stacy. We have been together for 13 years, married 10 of them. I am 37, she is 29, and we have three children, Tammy (8), Ashley (5), and Jon (2). I was not being the person I should have been at home. I was guilty of living the poem by Ella Wheeler Wilcox “An Unfaithful Wife to Her Husband”.

I guess I never felt I deserved Stacy, and when we met, she saw through my tough guy exterior, and that made me feel weak in her eyes. That scared me. All I ever wanted was for her to be proud of me. However, I worked so hard outside of our home trying to win approval and respect from her, that I neglected what was truly important; her and our kids.

So, 8 months into her pregnancy with Jon, she decided she was through with me and started an affair with a frightfully awful trade down. She kept it secret as long as she could, but two months after Jon was born, Tammy, reacting as would be expected from a little girl who knew her family was in trouble, responded in the only way she knew how to try and get help by acting out in such a way that a county appointed counselor was brought in. Shortly before her first visit, Tammy told me of “Mommy’s friend Kevin” and the sleepovers they had had there. Stacy then, about 5 minutes later, on her way home from “school” (she was actually driving 150 miles to see him everyday instead of going to nursing school) gave me the “We need to talk” phone call. I was devastated.

I ‘m very sure you are aware of what I went through and am going through emotionally and physically.
I was never strong in my belief in God, for I felt I had religion crammed down my throat growing up (Southern Baptist and Catholicism), and was never given a chance to choose it myself, so I rebelled. I did not believe in anything but science and myself. That was until my world was shattered. I am guilty of what we all are sometimes in our life; only looking to God when I got into trouble and was hurting. From the second I found out, I changed my life.

I was even lucky enough to somehow acquire the ear and assistance of Dr. Bill Harley, to who I speak to via telephone on nearly a weekly basis. He showed me the way (as far as marriage was concerned) and encouraged me to strengthen my faith. He provided me with all the resources, advice, and everything else he had to offer at no charge. She thinks of Dr. Harley and his principles as bull****.

Stacy left and moved in with Kevin anyway three months later. For nearly a year and a half, I was alone, except when the kids were with me. Oh, how I cried, and still do.

In February of last year, his drinking, verbal abuse, porn addiction, and sexual deviance had weighed heavily on her mind, and she started making plans to bring me back into the picture. He squandered his money and started relying on her to pay all of his bills, and ended up losing his flea market business. I, by the way, am a very skilled and very well-paid welder.

March of last year we moved into a place in Tammy’s new school district, and I found a good job, a house for us to buy, and thought “This is my chance!” However, she has for the most part been the definition of indifference, except for a few stretches of time that lasted no more than 2 or 3 weeks at a time. She still continued the affair up until about a month and a half ago, despite us “getting back together” (in living arrangements only).

I have done everything in my power to live 1 Corinthians 13, and Jesus’ opinion on marriage, and let me tell you, it has been the worst time of my life. Sure, I get to see her and our children every day, but the lonely feeling in my heart, the coldness she still exhibits, the emptiness of my arms that want to hold her so badly, frankly, it’s torture. She won’t even let me show her I care, or tell her I love her.

She was recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and/or Borderline Personality Disorder. She intentionally makes up things to argue about, or intentionally makes more out of things that don’t require yelling to keep her hatred of me intact. It seems to me that she has to force herself to hate me.

The whole time she always threatened divorce(we have been married the whole time, not even legally separated through all of this), or thrown the children and my needing to concentrate on the kids up in my face whenever I try to talk about “us”. She has said she has the papers waiting, or is talking to a lawyer, but those are untruths.

I recently stumbled upon the resources from Turning Point with Dr. David Jeremiah. Whenever she hears anything from Dr. Jeremiah's Home Improvement Series, I try to introduce it to her during one of the humorous stories he tells, and she’ll listen until it starts to get serious. She has even managed to make me feel guilty about my faith, implying that I am being selfish and only using it for what it says about marriage and adultery. A Pastor that I am talking to asked me why I felt guilty about doing what God says. He asked me what did He say about marriage (Malachi), and that those feelings of guilt were not of God.

Well, after the affair ended, she proposed that she would give 6 months for us to work things out. Not surprisingly, she went back on her offer, the first one she had made since our problems began. And, in a strange coincidence, two days after she gave the offer, Stacy found out that the boyfriend she had before she met me, to whom she hasn't spoken to since she was 14, was trying to get in touch with her through the classmates site. He lives in Alaska. Ironically, his name is Kevin as well. As expected from someone in a fog, she started fawning and trying to "rekindle" the immature, abusive relationship she had with him. He has no intention of moving back to Minnesota, and told me he didn't want to be a factor in the breakup of a family. Stacy can't hardly move to Alaska either. But I have found that she still is trying to build on something with him that never really was and was never meant to be, which is realistically and logistically dumb.

And now, I have a founded suspicion of her re-contacting the Kevin she left me for. So I am back to square one; A wife that is "done" with the marriage, but wants to benefit from it any way she can without putting anything into the partnership, meanwhile keeping me in a financial situation and using the children to do so where I can take no steps to put my foot down.

I have been told that my greatest quality besides my intelligence (it didn’t do me much good in my marriage) is my integrity. I believe that when one makes a promise, one must keep that promise, especially a promise as important as marriage or parenthood. I am fully intent on taking those promises to my grave, regardless of the emotional toll it takes on me. Many have said they admire me, many more have said I am stupid.

Stacy and our kids are the only thing that matter to me on this Earth. She says I shouldn’t put the two together, and gets angry at me when I do. Oh, and let someone say “family” around her and watch her roll her eyes. I am trying to do everything right, but she makes it all seem wrong, and blames me for everything that happens. She hurts me so much. I have treated her only with kindness, caring, encouragement, and love, yet she is indifferent. Her brother told me there is something worse than hate; indifference. I agree. At least in hate you get acknowledged.

I truly believe that, as with the prodigal son, if I am faithful enough, and continue to follow God’s word, and try to be a beacon in her fog, our marriage will eventually be reconciled. I do believe that God uses pain and hardship not as punishment, but as an opportunity to learn. I see that I was on the wrong side of the fence when it came to God, marriage, and family and I have changed my life to get me where I need to be; where God wants me to be. I kind of feel like Job, and I am eagerly awaiting the payoff for my faith, however long it takes.

Str8jktmn,

Thanks for the update. Seems like she is bent on the road to self-destruction. You really want t/b with her now? I am not saying it's over but I am saying you ought to decide if you will continue to allow her to use you to have her A. See the WS in her wants you to support her financially while she picks losers. It's ok to pick losers in her warped WS mind 'cuz you are there to pick up the pieces. Feel used yet?

Got anger? Get support. Call Jennifer @ MB for a recovery plan 4 u 1st.

take care,
L.

Up. Feeling isolated.

Hey, Str8...saw your post to HNT and thought I'd check out your thread.

My eyes crossed.

Uhm, can you edit your post with paragraphs? Please, for an old nearsighted lady?

You can feel isolated, even when you're not. You can see where you're apart of this board, this community and the entire human race...as significant and real as all of us.

I'm interested in your response to Orchid's question...

LA

Orchid's question? I'm not sure I remember that one.

Sure thing, I'll edit my post for you.

There are a couple I will respond to.

Yes, I want to be with her. Don't ask me why, but I can't even force myself to not want to.

And yes, I do feel used. But, in a way, in an unchristian sort of realism, I am getting what I gave(KARMA). That is one way to look at it.

However, I hold on to the AGAPE I am ordered to have for her(I give you everything even if I get nothing in return).

Wow!

Does SH use your story as an example of incredible perseverance and love?

~ Marsh

See now I have a different take from Marshmallow.

First off from what I have learned Agape is a love based on principle. May or may not include affection or fondness. It is not ruled by feeling or sentiment and never ignores principles. Agape is a love that can be shown to others even to and from God. Phileo or phila, is a type of love showing affection denoting personal attachment, like the word philadephia known as brotherly love. The love between a H & W is more like storge - family or natural affection.

The A on the other hand does not come close in displaying the qualities required in love. Intead it mimicks it with pseudo fantasy lies and thrives on hate rather than love to grow.

The sad piece is that many affected by the A (BS and family) find it hard to believe the one person who is suppose to be there for them is now their #1 enemy. The WS knows it but the rest of the world finds out the hard and cruel way.

So who do you really love? The WS in front of you or your real spouse?


JMHO,
L.

I don't disagree w/ anything you said.

str8jktmn, said on another thread that SH talks about his situation on his radio show and may even include his sitch in a new book he's working on.

I'm curious as to how SH views what str8jktmn is doing by continuing to put himself out there for his WW.

~ Marsh

Hey, Str8...thank you very much for editing your post for my tired eyes.

Can you tell me what you've read about or learned about boundaries?

LA

Masochism may be another way (to look at it).

When you learn to forgive yourself for your past failures, you will be amazed at the difference in how you view life, and love specifically.

Orchid, I love my real spouse.

Marsh, it is Bill Harley, not Steve.

Weaver, masochism, maybe. But when you love someone, there is nothing you won't put yourself through, no matter how stupid it may seem to others.

Marsh, Dr. Harley thinks I am admirable, and have a TON of integrity and self-control.

LA, boundaries are something right now I am dealing with on a daily basis; boundaries for me. I guess one could say I am a codependent in an abusive relationship, but I WILL BREAK THE CYCLE.

Thanks for answering my questions.

I'm wondering where you think your weaknesses are? Where you need help? Or do you feel as though you're good to go?

Does Bill think you have a good shot at recovering your marriage?

~ Marsh

Good to hear. So why are you accomodating the WS sooo much? You think your real spouse would like that?

L.

Marsh, Dr. Harley does not, but he says there is hope. He feels that she sees the light from time to time, but her condition(bipolar, that she refuses to acknowledge or treat after she found out I am not responsible for her having it - hereditary) keeps her in the fog. He says that I am the type of person I need to be, and if there were more like me, the world would be a better place. He says that it may work out, but he is impressed with the way I have conducted my self and stuck to my values and morals despite Stacy. He also, every conversation, says she has very poor decision making skills.

My weaknesses are total. I suppose I could be called a weak person, except for the fact that I have stood by Stacy and the kids despite the situation. I am a passive person with a very violent past(abusive childhood and military) that has a volcanic temper(that I have very high control over) and an above average level of intelligence. That is a potentially dangerous combination, but I handle it quite well. I just want her to give me 6 months, during which time we BOTH work on the marriage, and if it doesn't work out, I'll give her divorce, if that's what she wishes.

Orchid, Stacy could be described, in my opinion, taking her mental disorder into consideration, as a string of Christmas tree lights. Each light is a different aspect of her personality, and when they blink off, the disorder takes control, when they blink on, it relinquishes control. Problem is, the off time is way more than the on time. I have taken into consideration that she is not well, and have afforded patience(probably too much). I believe that I shouldn't abandon her because of the illness, even though she has made some really bad decisions. I also understand that she will only allow herself to be treated on her terms. It's the old "In good times and in bad" theory I suppose.

Do you agree w/ his doubts of you recovering your marriage?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />




Yes, it is always impressive to see somone be who they really are inspite of difficult circumstances.



What I really meant was, how can we help you? Do you need encouragement? Advice?

About the 6 months...Do you mean, in 6 months, if she still feels the same way she does today, you'll D her? Or do you mean, you'll wait for as long as it takes until she agrees to give you another try for 6 months, and then will D her at the end of the 6 months if that's what she wants?

~ Marsh

Marsh, here goes.

Blindly, I don't agree with his doubts. Even though he is the 'expert', I believe that everyone, especially the one whom I gave my life to, deserves another chance. God gives us the chance to do what is right with every new day.It is never too late to do what is right, and no one ever regrets doing what is right in the long run.

As for help/advice/encouragement; clues to break through her wall would be nice, however you guys wouldn't be able to help me without first 'meeting' Stacy, and that ain't gonna happen, not now anyway.

I mean that I will not agree to or participate in a divorce until I know in my heart that WE did everything we could to save/rebuild/reconcile the marriage, and nothing worked. If she wants the divorce so badly, fine. But she will only get cooperation from me if she cooperates with me. She keeps saying she wants a divorce, but doesn't take the necessary steps to get one; it's all just talk, and/or a trigger she uses to hurt me when she is in one of her 'manic' states.

So, basically, if she wants to play ball, then participate. She won't get what she says she wants from me until I get what I want from her(which after 14 years together, 10 of them married, and three children, is not too much to ask).

Hey, Str8,

I just thought of this...You hear Stacy repeatedly say she wants a divorce...what if she's trying to convey she wants to know who she is, separate from you? Like divorcing herself from you, not the marriage?

You could listen for when she says it...get the context...could be something you're saying right then, that she doesn't want to be true...not understanding she chooses every moment of her life...

Happens with enmeshment...where over the years, we don't know where we end and the other person begins...so the desire to be separate translates in our brains the all or nothing trigger...when it doesn't mean that at all.

Have you been practicing the listen and repeat? Using the "I" statements? Sure helped me to feel separate and whole, not taking on what wasn't mine.

Just a thought.

LA

When she says it, she always includes 'I told you to move on', or 'I was done back in...'. When I do the listen and repeat, she accuses me of reading too far into what she says. Dr. Harley told me and would tell you, I am extremely intelligent and she is not. My intelligence sometimes aggravates her. He said people of different levels of intelligence have a difficult time in marriage. It goes to show that the Bible has good advice when it says that we should not be 'unequally yoked'. But, I love her.

I am not the one that needs to feel separate, nor do I want to, because that is what got me here. Worrying too much about what was going on in MY life outside of OUR life helped me sooooooo much(dripping with sarcasm). I do not want to repeat my mistakes.

I don't know what to say about intelligence. I'm speechless.

I know Stacy is your equal...made by God's hands...whole and complete. She's as capable as you are...unequally yoked was as to spirituality...believers and nonbelievers.

You mean you dissect one another? Break down abilities and compare yourselves? Whoa.

Whoa.

I don't see listen and repeat as an act of intelligence...it is one of respect. You do it for yourself. You do it so you can really HEAR what she's saying, not what you've heard before, your twisted filter...actual words, new today...and that they are hers.

"I hear you desire for me to move on. Does that mean leave you or free you?"

Could you be listening and repeating with filter...why she says you read too much in? I started with the basic one for me, and we've gone to listen and repeat with filter as we've grown more intimate.

Back to separate...do you believe that marriage is a union where one person is completed by their partner? That what she lacks, you make up for, and what you lack, she makes up for?

LA

STR8ktmn,

Just a suggestion but it may be better if you don't use her 1st name when posting here. This is a public type forum. However, calling her a Ws, W or even Xws when the description fits may even help you in knowing what type of character you are dealing with.

IMHO, you are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole of the same deminsions, may be even bigger. You know the physical laws regarding that and what it would take to force a change.

Bottomline, you can't force a change so what else can you do? Well as a BS know that you can:

1. Secure your finances
2. Identify your personal and M requirement boundaries. This s/b a short list, so think hard.
3. Get good MC
4. Go to the doctor for ADs if needed.
5. Keep a journal
6. If children are involved, be a good parent and support for them. Also let them be part of your suppport team.
7. Create a personal support team (not just people - neighbors, co-workers, relatives, pets, projects, etc....). Nothing harmful (i.e. illegal activities, drugs or drunken bouts,etc.), posting here @ MB, etc.
8. Read resource books like: SAA, HN/HN (both by Harley), Love must be tough (Dobson), etc.
9. Understand plan A & B. These are YOUR plans for YOUR personal recovery, not winning back a WS. Never want to win back a WS, you want your W back, right? NOT the WS.

10. Implement plans A and B as needed. If you are doing it under the direction of Dr. Harley, that's great.

Wtih all of the above, how are you helping her? By not allowing her to use you to enable the A. NOTE: Each time she is able to give you pain by her hurtful words, it fuels the A. That is why she can babble so.

Do you realize that? Each time she tries to antagonize you, she is trying to draw strength from you, to suck it out and paralyze your to fuel the A. It is a sick and twisted thing these people who once were our loving spouses do during the A. So weird yet so real. Don't fall for the drama. Strengthen yourself to know when to deal with her and when to ignore her hurtful ways.

So learn how to tell the difference between a WS babbling and your real W talking. Acknowledge your real W but you can use tools like RB to give back the WS their guilt when they are babbling to you.

Pass that by Dr. Harley and see how he can help you see the difference.

take care,
L.

Up. Don't want to get lost in the shuffle.
Just found out she has reopened contact with HIM.
But this time, the whole mess may cost her mother and father a great deal of money.(Cell phone)
Her mom was getting screwed by her with this cell phone that he somehow was able to involve himself in, and her mother disconnected it because she didn't like Sprint, and she came unglued. Her mother has no idea(yet, I spilled the beans to my sister-in-law) that she is talking with him again.

She even threatened if the phone was not turned on in 1 hour, that they would never see her or our kids again. How dumb?
I can't believe she would actually threaten her mother and father over this hidden bull****.
I know this is the wayward wife acting out, and that my wife is still in there somewhere, but I'm starting to wonder.

str8

You gotta man-up for your CHILDREN...

love is good...and the fact that you can cling to pity for your wife..

it's NOT her that needs it....
it's your children..

your children are at great great risk to be pawns in her life...
weapons against you...(she's already threatening her own parents if they don't pay her phone bill!!! GET REAL!!!

this women has your children at great risk for moving them off in the night to Alaska..
moving them in with a wife beater..child beater drug uses or worse....

people who acknowledge disease processes...IE bipolar...etc...and REFUSE help...that have small dependent children...are in my opinion fringing on abuse...

she uses her diagnosis to feed her whims...
people with bipolar may not FEEL good...but they are and still must be held accountable...

you need to seek PRIMARY CUSTODY
you need to document ALL contact with ALL men..

you need to establish strong contact with her parents....
you need a plan...
and all the while you can work on a relationship with her...but you better prepare for her to take your children and run.....

can you live with her taking your children and using them as a weapon...

daddy won't give us money
daddy makes us live in this hole
daddy won't let you get new things...

can YOU see it..
cause it's clear as day to everyone else reading this...

don't give up her...
but
don't you DARE give up on your children...
belly up to the bar...
and be that man that keeps her chaos from the children..
seek legal counsel....
today....

you under the mantra of LOVE are enabling your wife...
the fallout is the children who are going to be doomed moving man to man....as she runs from herself...

ARK^^

str8jktmn,

ARK just said it all. Listen to her and protect yourself and your children and if the time and situation presents itself AND she wants help THEN offer to help your WW. At this time there is nothing wrong with her in her mind but everyone else who wants to hinder what she wants or NEEDS (addiction) is crazy.

Listen to ARK and start developing a battle plan ASAP or you will regret not standing in the gap for your children while your WW is wayward.

Well, time to belly up. I have a 65% feeling I'm at the end of my rope.

I sought legal advice, per Dr. B. Harley(this decision was also advice from him), and I'm undecided, but I am 'this close' to packing up the kids and moving to Mississippi, getting an emergency restraining order(to block or stall Minnesota from forcing us to come back to her), then file for divorce in six months.

I do have an official document stating that the county feels she abused our oldest daughter.

I have a place for us to stay. I just need to tie loose ends, figure out how to get there, and build a small amount of money to get us there.

The legal advice was there is nothing in Minnesota law that states I can't do this, as long as there are no pending divorce, separation, or custody proceedings or filings. The only thing she could do is file divorce/custody papers after she discovers I'm gone, and ask for a 'return' motion, but a restraining order should block that, I would think.

Wait a minute, did I say 65%, that's more like 85%.

Well, maybe I'm fooling myself, but I believe another crack in the door has presented itself.

Our recent purchase of a new van(Stacy's plan, behind my back until she needed me) lowered her credit score about 100 pts.

In the meantime, we are trying to get a mortgage for a home for the kids(main reason). She was trying to do it without me on the loan, with only her name on the financing. The mortgage broker was telling her that the loan would be in only her name, but there was no way she could do it without my income picking up the slack.

Well, with the new development with her credit, and my credit score improving due to payments on my student loans, the only way the mortgage can be gotten is with my name on the loan as well. She would not have gotten the van without my name on the loan, as well.

She has once again been shown she needs me. It is her intention to get the mortgage at all costs. Without me, her plans(the van, the house) won't happen.

So now I suppose there may be a small amount of value in me in her eyes. I guess I'm hoping that this may give more time and opportunity for the fog to clear a bit. Since this has come to light, her attitude and personality toward me has changed, ever ever so slightly.

Boy, did that last statement sound like desperation, or what? I will take anything I can get after going so long without, won't I?

I also started a tiny mind game with her. The hatred between her and my Mother is mutual. I told her that I was thinking about it the other day, and if things were to work out between her and I, there would be only one person in this world who would be pi$$ed about it; my Mother. I was trying to plant a seed, because Stacy has never cared(and almost relished) that things she does makes others mad, and if there is one person she would enjoy upsetting(other than me, it seems), would be my Mother. She loves to pi$$ off people she hates, or says she hates.

Is this attempt at manipulation wrong? Maybe she will see it as an attempt at just that on my part, and ignore it, or, maybe she is callous enough to take the opportunity to engage in one of her favorite pastimes. Who knows. But if it works, hey, bonus!

But, in a perfect world, I shouldn't have to resort to psychological manipulation to get what I want. However, to all our chagrin, the world is not a perfect place.

So, I see this is where Robert came to get his help.

This is Stacy, his wife.

I just thought I should go through all of his contacts and frequented places to inform everyone of what has happened.

Robert was killed in a car accident 2 weeks ago. Even though he is gone, I still don't see why he even bothered trying to keep fighting for me. I was done. I was so done I didn't help arrange or go to his funeral.

All of this is crap. You people should learn to get a life and move on.

((((Stacy)))). May you be comforted in your loss.

First I hope this isn't true but if it is then may Robert rest in peace and may God watch over him.

He bothered because he loved you and wanted to see your family through your betrayal.

If you didn't bother going to his funeral then what can I say except you are apparently the selfish, entitled, uncompassionate B***h you have presented yourself to be.

As far as getting a life goes, you mean like you did ****** around, breaking vows, destroying lives, lacking self respect, not giving a damn about anyone but ourselves. That's not much of a life to me but you go and enjoy yours with your soulmate (while it lasts). I wonder if Robert may have been thinking of you or if a broken heart is what got him and the car wreck was just a means to an end. Wouldn't want to be you on your deathbed.

Have a great life!

I am stunned, sickened and saddened to read this-the question has been posed here before how a WS would respond to such a tragedy...I want to vomit when I read how this one has responded-I keep in mind that not only is she a WS, but one with a true mental illness-explains the behavior, but still does NOT excuse it...

My heart aches for Robert's children, may God comfort and protect them...

Infidelity is often responsible for such "accidents"...I feel truly heartbroken when reading what this man was going through at the time of his death...I am bolstered by the fact that he had come to know Christ in his time remaining here...Robert suffers no more...I am grateful for that...

Stacy may you get the help you so desperately and obviously need...

With a Heavy Heart,

Mrs. Wondering

Yes and keep in mind her mental illness causes her to make things up, one has to wonder how she was able to access his account, find it hard to believe he told her his password to this website, I also live in minnesota so I would like a last name for robert so that I can verify his death.

Something just seems very fishy about that last post.

My condolences to Robert's family. It is sad to hear of a tragic loss but even more so to read how one could be has cold hearted as you.

Don't worry Stacy..... he won't go to yours either. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

You may be the kind who will never understand real love.

Sad but a possibility. Your choice though.

Btw, we already moved on. We just feel for Robert and your family. Not you as you are though because you seem like you don't give a crap about things worthwhile.

L.

None of us does either. You never were worth it.

stacy, you're a b*tch.

You are sick. you're soul is waaaay sick. you spew acid and vomit here and want something?

If and indeed this is a true post, as we know you're mentally wacked (she deserves this 2x4 and am not sorry for anything I am gonna say)and refused to get help for your mental disorder, then I am gonna say you're one of the sorriest pieces of [email]sh@it[/email] that ever walked the earth.

and rest assured...actions such as being an entitled egomaniac WS like you...will NOT go unnoticed.

I am still trying to figure out your motivation here by coming. You're obviously not trying to heal or help anybody here...just spew your entitled venom.

Mods, I hope you read my post so you can find a way to find out if this sad sad and PREVENTABLE story is true.

But then again, an entitled...ENTITLED AND SICK WS who does not come around or see the horror of their evil ways sometimes does continue down the path to utter destruction and damnation. I do believe that 100 percent. Here's a toast to you and your laughable probably soon to be affair marriage Miss Stacy!

Do you feel proud? Do you enjoy coming here and spitting this stinky bile out to people who helped and tried to be friends to him? Does that make you feel "wanted" or "happy"? Or is it the demon inside of you just itching to jump out... ? Just wondering because it takes a SPECIAL KIND OF WAYWARD to do the crapola you just did...and there's a SPECIAL place in heyall (southern for you know what) for Waywards like you girl.

Again, good luck with your conscience.

You know that part of being a wayward idiot is to rewrite history right Stacy? Right? So enjoy this fake alternate reality you've created. Brag some more girl about not helping plan or go to your husband's funeral and do that FOR THE KIDS TO SEE YOUR LAST CHANCE TO DISRESPECT THE MAN WHO IS THE FATHER OF YOUR KIDS.

Sick. Disgusting. I abhor you and your choice of enabled actions.

Yea, once you find your conscience or maybe decide to turn it into the "on" position some time in the future, may you drop to your knees vomiting and writhing in pain for the years of pain you inflicted on your family and to the man you at one time deemed you WORTHY of wanting to keep and wanting to keep his family together. May you walk thru life carrying this albatross around your neck. And in the end, (figuratively of course) I know it will choke the life outta you...and on that last day, at your last hour on this planet before you are to face your Maker...I hope you relive your sad actions over and over. I hope you own your actions at that time...and are scared sh#tless.

May str8jacket rest in peace. WE thank God for your life. We know your kids thank God for you in their life as you were a stand up guy, wanting to live to fight another day to save your family. You were a hero. You did care. You were willing to forgive and welcome a woman SUCH AS STACY even with her lack of morality into the family home and unit just as the father of the prodigal son did. God I am sure smiled upon you as you entered HIS realm. YOU are still a hero.

To all MB'ers out here.

I am sick and damned tired of ENTITLED IDIOTS/ARSEHOLES...I know I was married to one, and that is why my marriage ended. Not because it wasn't good. Not because I wasn't a good wife, but because he felt like doing it all himself. His happiness was paramount over all. Still is.

Oh and Stacy? Might I remind you of the success my xh and his wistress are having (tee hee)...hmmm...four confirmed affairs in 3 years of their affair marriage. One attempt last year in December at divorce and almost another one two weeks ago. She is miserable and hates him but loves his money. He hates her and disrespects her to the hilt. Aint' that real love? Isn't that worth rewriting the TRUTH for? Makes ya kinda warm and fuzzy doesn't it reading my words? For unlike YOURS, mine are the authentic gospel truth.

Now hurry along stupid little wayward...your affair partner is waiting. Don't forget that ink pen so you can continue re writing your entire life ok? Hmmm...I hope all is ok with your affair because...when the thrill of cheating is gone (like your precious husband), many affair partners find it rather boring..no more fighting to win your stupid affections..you're not the center of attention anymore..and life fall into...well...the very thing you egocentric narcissists hate...your life falls into routine. Don't forget to get your lover to take out the trash, pay the bills, make sure the kids' toys are all picked up, you wash the clothes, and when you tuck the kids in at night, be really creative so you can spin the truth further and help stop the tears, the pain, the questions that may come from the mouths of your precious children before they sleep about daddy. Don't forget to invent new and creative lies to tell them!

But please remember little wayward, LOOK BEHIND YOUR BACK...why? there may be in close range a relative of your husband who is waiting for the right day...the day when they will choose to reveal the truth to the children. Blow your cover. Your cover will get blown. When? Heck I don't know you nor care to do so. It's just a matter of time before it happens. Spin can't cover truth. Never does.

Run along desperate, stupid, narcissistic, entitled little wayward.

Right now I can't even muster up any strength to pray for your wretched soul.

[color:"red"]fictional[/color]
please
don't
waste
brain
cells

... you will KNOW this is fictional when "she" comes back to argue

FOR THE REST OF US:

Ya know Pep...I so WANT this to be fictional.

I refuse to speak to whomever wrote that either way. But because I do know how an unrepentant egomaniac narcissist wayward can be, I have such a short fuse with them. The totally unrepentant ones that is.

I hope this is fictional.

Please tell me if you can find out, that this is or is not as I want to know either way. For my conscience and for the others here who are worried about str8jacket.

I searched the New Ulm, MN obituaries and didn't see anyone named Robert who recently passed away.

Obituaries

Check his profile for his full name and date of birth.
I still can't find anything even with that info.
Maybe some internet pro can????

I HOPE it's not true!!

should be easy to verify

Like Jim noted, there is no obit in the New Ulm Journal for a Robert Culver. It is probably a lie.

Anyone check the WS Weekly? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Maybe Robert isn't real 1st name. There maybe credibility to the story and if so that's sad for many reasons.

If it isn't, it is even more sad that a WS has to resort to creating horrible fantasy. With what purpose?

We all know there is no logic in the mind of a WS. So IMHO, the best thing is to do like we do to most WS stories that are highly questionable..... let it go.

str8jktmn and family, if a death has occured in your family (i.e. to the original poster from MB), please accept my condolences.

To Stacy: My condelences go to you personally for the sad life you are now living as a result of your choices. Even if 'Robert' is no longer suffering, U R. Now it is your choice to continue to suffer or straighten out your life so you can move forward.

Either way, your choices will not hurt str8jktmn anymore. As for us, you can't hurt us either so the pain you have remains with you.

Hope you learn to move forward.

L.

L.

Hey Orchid, according to my detective work, that is his real first name. He and Stacy are listed in the book there. He is not in the obits or listed at the coroners office or MN Vital statistics. I think this very sick individual made this all up to get a rise out of folks.

Ok, but it's not workin, is it?

So another mothership plot....foiled agin..When will they ever learn? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Oh yea, never. RE: can't teach a ws. So we just watch 'em continue fools out of themselves. :gein:

L.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> This is probably the most appalled I have been since the day I learned of the affair. Please, allow me to clear the air.

The reports of my untimely departure from this earth are completely inaccurate. I am alive, kicking, and still fighting the good fight.

I haven't had internet access for about 2 months, nor have I been able to get anywhere to attain access. As far as who posted here, I haven't a clue. Yes, Stacy does have access to every account and password of mine. I tell them to her because I have nothing to hide. But, I can assure you that she did not come on this site and post this false death announcement, purely for the fact that, to my supreme disappointment, she would never even consider looking at this site. She still treats anything that would resemble a suggestion that divorce is not the answer as a vampire would treat holy water.

My best guess is that she passed on my information to one of her friends, and they have been very busy lately. The evidence can be seen at http://bashmyex.com/articles/200.html .

Read the title of the article. To my dismay, that was written when Stacy and I have been married 10 years. The facts are so distorted there. I feel one of the main posters, besides Stacy posting there today, is a friend of hers that is herself guilty of adultery, and has been advising/advocating her on her present self-destructive course of action. The facts of our life together are so twisted, it almost sickens me except for the fact that they are so ludicrous they're funny.

You guys know my writing patterns, therefore you know me. You can plainly see that the things on that awful site are not my words and everything that I have written on this site is the truth, all of which has entered Dr. Bill's ears. I have nothing to hide from anyone.

It is sad that Stacy had to react to that site's flawed information in such a way, but she has been guilty our whole marriage of twisting things to rationalize her own misdeeds.

I will be posting a reply to that site to clear the air and hopefully sting some people who put their two cents worth in in a harmful, hateful, deceptive way.

I suggest anyone who appreciates my eloquence with words to view my reply, which is in process as we speak.

I do truly wish to apologize for the lie that was told here, and the crass manor in which they tried to bring sorrow into you lives.

Now that you have internet access, will you continue to post here?

You were missed.

LA

Well there certainly is a diverse picture being painted between you being such a perfect person that Dr. Harley says everyone should be like and Stacy's (and friends') POV that you are a jobless alcoholic wife abuser (arrested) (beating a pregnant woman too). Of course, if what Stacy says is true, it should be a matter of public record. I don't know dude. I'll be honest. Right now I'm not sure who is rewriting the history here.

Since apparently countless people have access to your password here, maybe you should change it.

Before I could post a reply, things started getting ugly and I received threatening calls and then the bash was removed. Some rickety bridges were forever burned because of someone's attempts at defamation.

By the way, yes, I am back.

From what I saw, the "bash" was yours to begin with so, if anyone removed it, it must have been you that removed it. What is it that you don't want people to see? If it is not true, why would you feel the need to hide it?

Threatening calls? From who!??!?!? Expsoure is the key...remember?

Btw, glad u r back. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

So Stacy have that kind of friends? Hm.... must be the full-timer's from the mothership. That would mean she is still entrenched in their grasp.

That stunt was almost as stupid as that astronaut. Same category. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Wonder how long they had to ponder before they got stupid enough to post a lie like that?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> ..... sure was a wasted thing since most didn't believe it anyways. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

So you are saying that what was said about your interest in pornography, your arrest for spousal abuse and your job history are all fabrications made by your wife and her friends because they are all mentally ill? I get it now.

I find it all a bit strange that you have not had any internet access what-so-ever for 2 months.
Your last post on 10/21/06
On 02/04/07 someone accesses your account to write of your untimely death and .....
2 days later 02/06/07 you magically appear from whatever you.ve been to counter their claim.

Appears quite strange to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Str8jktmn,

Change your user name.

Remove your name from your account information.

Change your password.

Do NOT invite the WS to this site, as I have almost NEVER seen good come from the action of them engaging in this forum while still in the midst of ACTIVELY being wayward.

What they do is disarm all of your MB’ing plans by thwarting your efforts to influence their behavior and find ownership in their choices. It’s that simple.

Protect yourself to the fullest extent possible by seeking an attorney.

Fight for your children.

Start using the carrot and the stick. In your case a cane may be more appropriate.

If you need to talk send an IM to my yahoo ID.

It is my opinion that you should remove the post from the other site if possible. Any possible good that could have transpired there has already occurred, now all that left is bookoo DJ’s.

I know you are in immense pain, but you are going to have to control it and keep your mind FOCUSED on objectives. It’s something that all of us BS’s have had to learn to do.

Strange? Not hardly. I went from posting on this site to speaking exclusively with Dr. Bill, then to having no access. After I regained access, I find all the crap that has been happening "on my behalf". I did not remove the post, after the threatening phone call from her best friend, I informed her and her friend that I was typing a reply. This site was brought to my attention by my wife anyway; I had no idea or real connections with it until yesterday. Here is the reply that I copied to notepad before the post was removed so I could not set the record straight. Remember, I have said this time and time again; I have nothing to hide from anyone.

The reply:
Red flag - "After 8 years of marriage and 3 children"
Check the date of the post. It says Dec 7, 2006. That would put me and Stacy being married 10 years. Something is going on here. I did not have internet access at the time this was posted, nor did I ever get out to go where there was internet access. I spend my spare time with my children. This post was also entered when I was at work. I did not have access or authorization to a company computer.

I was abusive toward her at one time. She gave me a choice and I made the right decision. To this day, I have not touched her in anger from the moment I decided that they were more important than booze. AND I NEVER BEAT HER. In the finale of my drinking days, I bit her on the arm and I put my hand around her throat. I never struck or hit her. She always did the hitting or kicking, and I NEVER retaliated physically. The day I made my decision to stop abusing her and stop drinking ended that dark chapter in the way I treated her. I do not drink, and as someone who witnessed my mother being beaten, was shocked by my own actions when I realized that I was headed that way with Stacy, but I listened to her and my Grandmother and cleaned up.

Oh, and by the way, death threats are fun, but immature. Don't talk about others, then get upset at the thought of someone bringing you up. I am not going to let kid's games upset me. I am bigger than that.

Now. Let's address the employment thing. Stacy ought to be able to truthfully back me up on this. Fired from DuFresne after not showing up to work because I could not get the sitter to wake up, so I stayed home with the kids. Fired from Cambria and Pro Fab due to attendance problems stemming from transportation issues. That's it. Tenere was a layoff, and after two summers in a row Stacy suggested I enroll in school, so I did. I worked there 4 years. Wyoming Machine, 4 years. La Calhene, 3 years. It has been just in the past two years have I had the issues with employment. Year A Round closed it's doors. I am employed. I don't wish to or try to get unemployed. The only reason I left a job on my own since Wyoming Machine(1995 start) was for an increase in pay. Anyone would do that.

I have not tampered with any vehicle that belongs to Stacy or anyone else, and I offered to take a polygraph to prove it. Stacy declined. You see, the things that would prove me right on anything she has avoided. That's part of irrational rationalization to try and justify what has been happening.

Oh, and I apologize if I use big words. I can't help it if I understand them and know how to use them.I don't appreciate anyone speaking "down" to me, so I don't do it to others. If you can't keep up, stop reading.

Here's something else Stacy should be able to confirm; I admit my mistakes and once evident, I went above and beyond and gave 1000% to correct my mistakes and heal the hurt I may have caused. Let me once again make one thing perfectly clear; I love Stacy. I love my children. So much so that I have done away with the unimportant pursuits in my life and focused on what SHOULD BE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN EVERYONE'S LIFE, more important that friendship, more important than independence, a little something we all call FAMILY. No one can take away from me the fact that I would gladly give all to Stacy and our children, nor will anyone get a receptive ear from me when they say to move on. I may be in a dreamworld, but the center of that dreamworld is succeeding at the two most important promises a person can make; marriage and parenthood. I have not and will not forget the commitment I made and what I gave Stacy when we married, even though she may have dismissed hers. And, for those who doubt me as a parent; ****** you. I gladly spend every second I have to spend with my children. As far as I am concerned, FRIENDS come and go, and you can bet your bottom dollar they will, but family is forever.

Those that bash me or anyone else for that matter, have too much time on their hands. This post was not made by me. I never paid any money to this site. Financial records will prove it. My best guess is that it was made by someone that has a vested interest in seeing Stacy and my marriage fail. I know that doing anything to hurt Stacy will not bring us anywhere near recovering from this mess. It is apparent to me that there is someone out there who will stop at nothing to sabotage any peace or common ground that Stacy and I may find. Whoever you are, find yourself another project. The defamation and lies and twisted details that are being peddled are hurting more than just your intended target.

The facts here are not accurate. Furthermore, I know better than to do something this stupid, because I love Stacy and do not want to do anything that would hurt the chances of us recovering from this mess we are in. I am not going to stop trying to work things out with her, even though there are those that want to destroy any chance we have by lies, twisted facts, and bad advice.

So except for the issue of whether or not you caused her bruises which you and Stacy cannot seem to agree on, everything that was said on that Bash seems pretty accurate. OTOH, if you were drinking that much, would you really remember? Sorry I didn't read all of your post. It's just that those big words confuse me so much. Or should I have said "I'm sarie"? Phonetics and all.

You say some people have too much time on their hands. Partly true. Unfortunately many good people here don't have enough time to truly waste it. It is always better to know all the facts to help understand the situation. Until now, you have hardly been open about your sitch and you still seem to be in denial about much of it. Do you deny the pornography too? Not that it matters much to me but you might as well lay it all out on the table.

I was thinking of places that have no internet access and suddenly one came to mind.

I don't remember anyone accusing me of being addicted to porn. The OM is. I have never had an affinity for such material. I have always felt that looking at porn is just as bad as looking at another woman lustfully(which is mental adultery). I pride myself in considering my wife as the only woman in the world(for me anyway), and not even giving another woman's attractiveness a second thought since I met Stacy.

"I was thinking of places that have no internet access and suddenly one came to mind." Be more specific.

No disagreement on bruises. I know that I caused marks on her, however, that was 8 years ago. Not once since have I touched her in anger.

Would you mind indulging me for a minute? I have a reason for asking.

In regard to MS:
Are you, by any chance, from W, between H.S. and A., which is the next town before you get to O?

Just a yes or no will do.

I have no idea whether you are into porn or not. I'm just going by what was on that now deleted thread which said you were. It does seem a bit odd that you get fired for showing up late for work because you couldn't get a babysitter. Maybe one boss would be such an AH but multiple bosses? Your story reminds me a lot of my long dead stepfather who could never keep a job. It was never his fault either. He was also an alcoholic and also abused my mother and the rest of us. The poor guy - he was such a victim.

BTW, for interested users of MB, some threads I find are worth keeping in case they are deleted later or you just want to refer to them from time to time. A way to do that is open a thread. If it is a multiple page thread (like this one) click the (show all) button at the top or bottom of the thread. In the browser's menu, click File and Save As... and save it as a web page to your hard disk.

Also, if you have email notification activated in your profile and at the bottom of the thread you are interested click the "Favorite Topic! (toggle)", you will get new posts sent direct to your email. All you will get is an original post - you will not get edits of posts that are done later. I also find this very useful.

Seems like your glass is half empty, and the kool aid that is there is unsweetened.

That was after repeated tardiness due to childcare problems, WHICH WAS MY FAULT for not finding more reliable options.

I let what was going on emotionally in my life take over, and my life went to shambles. Remember, once again, I admit what I have done wrong and have taken every step possible to change me and how I do things to make myself a better person for the man upstairs, my kids, and my wife.

Don't rush in that application to the supreme court just yet. From the second you added your input to this post, it has been judgmental. This site is about support and advice, not being dissected, Dr. Harley has done that for me.

Don't judge me, but when you do make a statement about me, make sure close attention is paid to what is read, instead of being selective. Use the male, fact driven basis for arriving at an assumption, so that it isn't an assumption, but an informed viewpoint. Opinions are like AH's, but a well thought out, researched opinion will get respect from many more than an assumption any day.

I face judgment every day from God and persecution from that one friend of my wife's everyday, so I don't need any more; my tank is full.

Oh, and by the way, my wife wanted to talk to me about that bash, and was apologetic about the inappropriate thing she said to/about me, and when I asked her to back up the claims of hers that did not mesh with what she told Dr. Harley(fabricated/exaggerated/embellished), she had no reply, just that deer in the headlights look.

Yes, I am a victim. A victim of my own doing. Not living my life the way I should is what victimized me.

She also said that she never wanted this to happen(the affair, the split up). I wanted to believe her, but the only thing that ran through my mind was: But you did it anyway. I wanted to say it but I didn't. Should I feel guilty as I do for wanting to say that?

Concerning Mississippi, no. G'ville.

Thanks, I was wondering because I have an inlaw who is connected to one branch of a family by the same name in W (Have you figured out where that is?). There are several who share your first name in that branch, so I just wondered if there was a connection. The inlaw did say that there are relatives who live up north, which made me wonder even more.

Hiya, Str8,

Thank you for your continued posting. How do you feel about continuing where you left off? How do you feel about owning your stuff...being radically honest with yourself?

Wanna share any updates here as to where you are, what you're focused on, and you know, sharing your stuff?

Did you see where many people here cared about you...were you aware of your own significance? How are you doing inside...c'mon, spill.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

Whitfield? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well, I am still in New Ulm, but am looking into moving to Hutchinson, for that is where I work now. The maker has provided me with the best opportunity I have ever had(employment wise). I am looking at a very nice 4 br house there for the babies and I, which I can now afford by myself, thanks to this wonderful job.

The Ms. has moved out, renting a house in Madelia(20 mi. away) that is, to be kind, a "fixer upper". She still intends on keeping the girls in this school district. She has installed her own version of custody/visitation, in which she feels we have equal time with the kids, but with me having the kids when she is working, the ratio is @ 70% : 30%. I work days, she works nights, so that has me still being the primary parental influence, and her still being the absentee parent.

I did not want to be forced into a plan B, because I find it very difficult to turn my back on someone I promised I would never turn my back to, but she has unknowingly instituted it. I make twice mas much pay wise as she does, yet she has twice the monthly bills. I am planning to move into the house in Hutch, build a good relationship with the landlord, and then talk to him about the purchase option. This house is for me and the kids. She will be welcome to visit. She also will be welcome to move in once she gets a taste of the reality she has been hiding from, but not without a marked level of repentance. Not to me, but to herself and The Man. As Dr. Jeremiah put it, "I don't care how bad you've messed things up, I love you. Come back, with the right heart, and there is a place for you here."

I suppose you could say I'm manning up for the kids, and this job and house have me feeling so optimistic, except for the emotional pain that is still there from the void that the wife should be filling.

So, I guess I am building the future with or without her. She knows she can always count on me, and I know I can't count on her; that's one thing that is crystal clear between us. My integrity is a good quality, but an obstacle to the plan.

My only real judgment against you is that you have been totally dishonest since you first began posting. All you ever said in your original thread was that you were, aside from being perfection embodied, maybe a little weak. Now it comes out that your weakness included beating your wife. I don't think I have judged you for that - just that you didn't disclose it.

I am also no longer interested in your sitch so will no longer be reading your thread.

Your wife must be desperate to get away to put her children at risk of abuse. Most abusers don't limit themselves to their spouse.

No one has been dishonest here. Again, you have not paid attention to what you have read. I have stated implicitly that I have made my mistakes, I just have not gone into detail about them. When the details arise, you, like my wife, take them running and say I was lying.

Once more, and for the last time, I NEVER BEAT MY WIFE, AND SHE WILL PERSONALLY ATTEST TO THAT. She would also confirm that there has been no further abuse. her rants in that post were fabrications and exaggerations meant solely to hurt me for my views of the man she left me for and my disclosure of the circumstances of his son's death.

The only thing about me near perfection is my heart, which is fueled by God.

Abuse? This coming from a person whose country turns a blind eye toward spousal abuse, and whose religion condones, even promotes it. My wife desperate? The only desperation I could think of would be Middle Eastern women desperate to get into a country that punishes for spousal abuse. I was punished, and I learned from it.

To all that care, I apologize for using my teeth. However, I am tired of those who place themselves above others and exhibit no humility, especially when they try and exploit me and my situation to further glorify their false, perceived superiority. Hiroo reminds me of that best friend of Stacy's that is herself guilty of adultery, and tries to belittle me for remembering my commitment, and advises Stacy to continue the infidelity.

I have read your signature, and just want you to consider one thing.

In the New Testament, I have read that if you find yourself unequally yoked, to live your life in a way where the love of God shines through so brightly that it cannot be ignored. There is also a song by Newsboys that is called "Shine". In the chorus it says "Shine, make 'em wonder what you got, make 'em wish that they were not on the outside lookin' bored."

Food for thought.

Hiroo is from Arkansas.

From str8jktmn's post on 2/7/2007



From str8jktmn's post on 2/10/2007



-bold emphasis mine...

I'm confused... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> The two quotes above seem to contradict one another...You said that you didn't make the post on the other site, and then you turn around and say that Stacy is angry with you because you disclosed the details about the death of OM's son...(which WAS a part of the post from the other site)

Please Explain...

Mrs. W

I told her friends and family what happened a long time ago. She had since stopped focusing on that, but this refreshed her memory. She keeps holding on to past grudges. I believe the reason we are still in this rut is because, as the rationalization theory goes, the ws uses past occurrences to attempt to justify their inconsiderate behavior. Is that correct?

I told her that I would never bring up the affair; that I would never throw it in her face to prove a point or keep score. I do the best I can to not bring up her past indiscretions when she decides to bring up mine to rationalize or prove a point. In my mind, the affair is the only flaw that she has that would require intense, immediate attention in the way of change. Others that she may have aren't as severe in my mind, and can stand modification instead of omission. The one thing I cannot get her to do, is tell me the flaws I currently have that she would like modified or omitted in order to enhance our recovery, because she is still in a place where recovery is not an option right now, but "anything is possible" in her words. She keeps holding on to my past flaws; those that I have dealt with. Maybe those are all she has to "justify" her actions.