Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 4 1 2 3 4
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Quote
Orchid, Stacy could be described, in my opinion, taking her mental disorder into consideration, as a string of Christmas tree lights. Each light is a different aspect of her personality, and when they blink off, the disorder takes control, when they blink on, it relinquishes control. Problem is, the off time is way more than the on time. I have taken into consideration that she is not well, and have afforded patience(probably too much). I believe that I shouldn't abandon her because of the illness, even though she has made some really bad decisions. I also understand that she will only allow herself to be treated on her terms. It's the old "In good times and in bad" theory I suppose.

STR8ktmn,

Just a suggestion but it may be better if you don't use her 1st name when posting here. This is a public type forum. However, calling her a Ws, W or even Xws when the description fits may even help you in knowing what type of character you are dealing with.

IMHO, you are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole of the same deminsions, may be even bigger. You know the physical laws regarding that and what it would take to force a change.

Bottomline, you can't force a change so what else can you do? Well as a BS know that you can:

1. Secure your finances
2. Identify your personal and M requirement boundaries. This s/b a short list, so think hard.
3. Get good MC
4. Go to the doctor for ADs if needed.
5. Keep a journal
6. If children are involved, be a good parent and support for them. Also let them be part of your suppport team.
7. Create a personal support team (not just people - neighbors, co-workers, relatives, pets, projects, etc....). Nothing harmful (i.e. illegal activities, drugs or drunken bouts,etc.), posting here @ MB, etc.
8. Read resource books like: SAA, HN/HN (both by Harley), Love must be tough (Dobson), etc.
9. Understand plan A & B. These are YOUR plans for YOUR personal recovery, not winning back a WS. Never want to win back a WS, you want your W back, right? NOT the WS.

10. Implement plans A and B as needed. If you are doing it under the direction of Dr. Harley, that's great.

Wtih all of the above, how are you helping her? By not allowing her to use you to enable the A. NOTE: Each time she is able to give you pain by her hurtful words, it fuels the A. That is why she can babble so.

Do you realize that? Each time she tries to antagonize you, she is trying to draw strength from you, to suck it out and paralyze your to fuel the A. It is a sick and twisted thing these people who once were our loving spouses do during the A. So weird yet so real. Don't fall for the drama. Strengthen yourself to know when to deal with her and when to ignore her hurtful ways.

So learn how to tell the difference between a WS babbling and your real W talking. Acknowledge your real W but you can use tools like RB to give back the WS their guilt when they are babbling to you.

Pass that by Dr. Harley and see how he can help you see the difference.

take care,
L.

Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 67
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 67
Up. Don't want to get lost in the shuffle.
Just found out she has reopened contact with HIM.
But this time, the whole mess may cost her mother and father a great deal of money.(Cell phone)
Her mom was getting screwed by her with this cell phone that he somehow was able to involve himself in, and her mother disconnected it because she didn't like Sprint, and she came unglued. Her mother has no idea(yet, I spilled the beans to my sister-in-law) that she is talking with him again.

She even threatened if the phone was not turned on in 1 hour, that they would never see her or our kids again. How dumb?
I can't believe she would actually threaten her mother and father over this hidden bull****.
I know this is the wayward wife acting out, and that my wife is still in there somewhere, but I'm starting to wonder.


Everybody Lies.
Gregory House, M.D.
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
str8

You gotta man-up for your CHILDREN...

love is good...and the fact that you can cling to pity for your wife..

it's NOT her that needs it....
it's your children..

your children are at great great risk to be pawns in her life...
weapons against you...(she's already threatening her own parents if they don't pay her phone bill!!! GET REAL!!!

this women has your children at great risk for moving them off in the night to Alaska..
moving them in with a wife beater..child beater drug uses or worse....

people who acknowledge disease processes...IE bipolar...etc...and REFUSE help...that have small dependent children...are in my opinion fringing on abuse...

she uses her diagnosis to feed her whims...
people with bipolar may not FEEL good...but they are and still must be held accountable...

you need to seek PRIMARY CUSTODY
you need to document ALL contact with ALL men..

you need to establish strong contact with her parents....
you need a plan...
and all the while you can work on a relationship with her...but you better prepare for her to take your children and run.....

can you live with her taking your children and using them as a weapon...

daddy won't give us money
daddy makes us live in this hole
daddy won't let you get new things...

can YOU see it..
cause it's clear as day to everyone else reading this...

don't give up her...
but
don't you DARE give up on your children...
belly up to the bar...
and be that man that keeps her chaos from the children..
seek legal counsel....
today....

you under the mantra of LOVE are enabling your wife...
the fallout is the children who are going to be doomed moving man to man....as she runs from herself...

ARK^^

Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,620
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,620
str8jktmn,

ARK just said it all. Listen to her and protect yourself and your children and if the time and situation presents itself AND she wants help THEN offer to help your WW. At this time there is nothing wrong with her in her mind but everyone else who wants to hinder what she wants or NEEDS (addiction) is crazy.

Listen to ARK and start developing a battle plan ASAP or you will regret not standing in the gap for your children while your WW is wayward.

Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 67
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 67
Well, time to belly up. I have a 65% feeling I'm at the end of my rope.

I sought legal advice, per Dr. B. Harley(this decision was also advice from him), and I'm undecided, but I am 'this close' to packing up the kids and moving to Mississippi, getting an emergency restraining order(to block or stall Minnesota from forcing us to come back to her), then file for divorce in six months.

I do have an official document stating that the county feels she abused our oldest daughter.

I have a place for us to stay. I just need to tie loose ends, figure out how to get there, and build a small amount of money to get us there.

The legal advice was there is nothing in Minnesota law that states I can't do this, as long as there are no pending divorce, separation, or custody proceedings or filings. The only thing she could do is file divorce/custody papers after she discovers I'm gone, and ask for a 'return' motion, but a restraining order should block that, I would think.


Everybody Lies.
Gregory House, M.D.
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 67
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 67
Wait a minute, did I say 65%, that's more like 85%.


Everybody Lies.
Gregory House, M.D.
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 67
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 67
Well, maybe I'm fooling myself, but I believe another crack in the door has presented itself.

Our recent purchase of a new van(Stacy's plan, behind my back until she needed me) lowered her credit score about 100 pts.

In the meantime, we are trying to get a mortgage for a home for the kids(main reason). She was trying to do it without me on the loan, with only her name on the financing. The mortgage broker was telling her that the loan would be in only her name, but there was no way she could do it without my income picking up the slack.

Well, with the new development with her credit, and my credit score improving due to payments on my student loans, the only way the mortgage can be gotten is with my name on the loan as well. She would not have gotten the van without my name on the loan, as well.

She has once again been shown she needs me. It is her intention to get the mortgage at all costs. Without me, her plans(the van, the house) won't happen.

So now I suppose there may be a small amount of value in me in her eyes. I guess I'm hoping that this may give more time and opportunity for the fog to clear a bit. Since this has come to light, her attitude and personality toward me has changed, ever ever so slightly.

Boy, did that last statement sound like desperation, or what? I will take anything I can get after going so long without, won't I?

I also started a tiny mind game with her. The hatred between her and my Mother is mutual. I told her that I was thinking about it the other day, and if things were to work out between her and I, there would be only one person in this world who would be pi$$ed about it; my Mother. I was trying to plant a seed, because Stacy has never cared(and almost relished) that things she does makes others mad, and if there is one person she would enjoy upsetting(other than me, it seems), would be my Mother. She loves to pi$$ off people she hates, or says she hates.

Is this attempt at manipulation wrong? Maybe she will see it as an attempt at just that on my part, and ignore it, or, maybe she is callous enough to take the opportunity to engage in one of her favorite pastimes. Who knows. But if it works, hey, bonus!

But, in a perfect world, I shouldn't have to resort to psychological manipulation to get what I want. However, to all our chagrin, the world is not a perfect place.


Everybody Lies.
Gregory House, M.D.
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 67
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 67
So, I see this is where Robert came to get his help.

This is Stacy, his wife.

I just thought I should go through all of his contacts and frequented places to inform everyone of what has happened.

Robert was killed in a car accident 2 weeks ago. Even though he is gone, I still don't see why he even bothered trying to keep fighting for me. I was done. I was so done I didn't help arrange or go to his funeral.

All of this is crap. You people should learn to get a life and move on.


Everybody Lies.
Gregory House, M.D.
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
((((Stacy)))). May you be comforted in your loss.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,620
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,620
Quote
I just thought I should go through all of his contacts and frequented places to inform everyone of what has happened.

Robert was killed in a car accident 2 weeks ago. Even though he is gone, I still don't see why he even bothered trying to keep fighting for me. I was done. I was so done I didn't help arrange or go to his funeral.

All of this is crap. You people should learn to get a life and move on.


First I hope this isn't true but if it is then may Robert rest in peace and may God watch over him.

He bothered because he loved you and wanted to see your family through your betrayal.

If you didn't bother going to his funeral then what can I say except you are apparently the selfish, entitled, uncompassionate B***h you have presented yourself to be.

As far as getting a life goes, you mean like you did ****** around, breaking vows, destroying lives, lacking self respect, not giving a damn about anyone but ourselves. That's not much of a life to me but you go and enjoy yours with your soulmate (while it lasts). I wonder if Robert may have been thinking of you or if a broken heart is what got him and the car wreck was just a means to an end. Wouldn't want to be you on your deathbed.

Have a great life!

Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 6,316
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 6,316
I am stunned, sickened and saddened to read this-the question has been posed here before how a WS would respond to such a tragedy...I want to vomit when I read how this one has responded-I keep in mind that not only is she a WS, but one with a true mental illness-explains the behavior, but still does NOT excuse it...

My heart aches for Robert's children, may God comfort and protect them...

Infidelity is often responsible for such "accidents"...I feel truly heartbroken when reading what this man was going through at the time of his death...I am bolstered by the fact that he had come to know Christ in his time remaining here...Robert suffers no more...I am grateful for that...

Stacy may you get the help you so desperately and obviously need...

With a Heavy Heart,

Mrs. Wondering


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 136
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 136
Yes and keep in mind her mental illness causes her to make things up, one has to wonder how she was able to access his account, find it hard to believe he told her his password to this website, I also live in minnesota so I would like a last name for robert so that I can verify his death.

Something just seems very fishy about that last post.

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Quote
So, I see this is where Robert came to get his help.

This is Stacy, his wife.

I just thought I should go through all of his contacts and frequented places to inform everyone of what has happened.

Robert was killed in a car accident 2 weeks ago. Even though he is gone, I still don't see why he even bothered trying to keep fighting for me. I was done. I was so done I didn't help arrange or go to his funeral.

All of this is crap. You people should learn to get a life and move on.

My condolences to Robert's family. It is sad to hear of a tragic loss but even more so to read how one could be has cold hearted as you.

Don't worry Stacy..... he won't go to yours either. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

You may be the kind who will never understand real love.

Sad but a possibility. Your choice though.

Btw, we already moved on. We just feel for Robert and your family. Not you as you are though because you seem like you don't give a crap about things worthwhile.

L.

Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 6,128
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 6,128
Quote
Even though he is gone, I still don't see why he even bothered trying to keep fighting for me.


None of us does either. You never were worth it.

Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 3,788
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 3,788
stacy, you're a b*tch.

You are sick. you're soul is waaaay sick. you spew acid and vomit here and want something?

If and indeed this is a true post, as we know you're mentally wacked (she deserves this 2x4 and am not sorry for anything I am gonna say)and refused to get help for your mental disorder, then I am gonna say you're one of the sorriest pieces of [email]sh@it[/email] that ever walked the earth.

and rest assured...actions such as being an entitled egomaniac WS like you...will NOT go unnoticed.

I am still trying to figure out your motivation here by coming. You're obviously not trying to heal or help anybody here...just spew your entitled venom.

Mods, I hope you read my post so you can find a way to find out if this sad sad and PREVENTABLE story is true.

But then again, an entitled...ENTITLED AND SICK WS who does not come around or see the horror of their evil ways sometimes does continue down the path to utter destruction and damnation. I do believe that 100 percent. Here's a toast to you and your laughable probably soon to be affair marriage Miss Stacy!

Do you feel proud? Do you enjoy coming here and spitting this stinky bile out to people who helped and tried to be friends to him? Does that make you feel "wanted" or "happy"? Or is it the demon inside of you just itching to jump out... ? Just wondering because it takes a SPECIAL KIND OF WAYWARD to do the crapola you just did...and there's a SPECIAL place in heyall (southern for you know what) for Waywards like you girl.

Again, good luck with your conscience.

You know that part of being a wayward idiot is to rewrite history right Stacy? Right? So enjoy this fake alternate reality you've created. Brag some more girl about not helping plan or go to your husband's funeral and do that FOR THE KIDS TO SEE YOUR LAST CHANCE TO DISRESPECT THE MAN WHO IS THE FATHER OF YOUR KIDS.

Sick. Disgusting. I abhor you and your choice of enabled actions.

Yea, once you find your conscience or maybe decide to turn it into the "on" position some time in the future, may you drop to your knees vomiting and writhing in pain for the years of pain you inflicted on your family and to the man you at one time deemed you WORTHY of wanting to keep and wanting to keep his family together. May you walk thru life carrying this albatross around your neck. And in the end, (figuratively of course) I know it will choke the life outta you...and on that last day, at your last hour on this planet before you are to face your Maker...I hope you relive your sad actions over and over. I hope you own your actions at that time...and are scared sh#tless.

May str8jacket rest in peace. WE thank God for your life. We know your kids thank God for you in their life as you were a stand up guy, wanting to live to fight another day to save your family. You were a hero. You did care. You were willing to forgive and welcome a woman SUCH AS STACY even with her lack of morality into the family home and unit just as the father of the prodigal son did. God I am sure smiled upon you as you entered HIS realm. YOU are still a hero.

To all MB'ers out here.

I am sick and damned tired of ENTITLED IDIOTS/ARSEHOLES...I know I was married to one, and that is why my marriage ended. Not because it wasn't good. Not because I wasn't a good wife, but because he felt like doing it all himself. His happiness was paramount over all. Still is.

Oh and Stacy? Might I remind you of the success my xh and his wistress are having (tee hee)...hmmm...four confirmed affairs in 3 years of their affair marriage. One attempt last year in December at divorce and almost another one two weeks ago. She is miserable and hates him but loves his money. He hates her and disrespects her to the hilt. Aint' that real love? Isn't that worth rewriting the TRUTH for? Makes ya kinda warm and fuzzy doesn't it reading my words? For unlike YOURS, mine are the authentic gospel truth.

Now hurry along stupid little wayward...your affair partner is waiting. Don't forget that ink pen so you can continue re writing your entire life ok? Hmmm...I hope all is ok with your affair because...when the thrill of cheating is gone (like your precious husband), many affair partners find it rather boring..no more fighting to win your stupid affections..you're not the center of attention anymore..and life fall into...well...the very thing you egocentric narcissists hate...your life falls into routine. Don't forget to get your lover to take out the trash, pay the bills, make sure the kids' toys are all picked up, you wash the clothes, and when you tuck the kids in at night, be really creative so you can spin the truth further and help stop the tears, the pain, the questions that may come from the mouths of your precious children before they sleep about daddy. Don't forget to invent new and creative lies to tell them!

But please remember little wayward, LOOK BEHIND YOUR BACK...why? there may be in close range a relative of your husband who is waiting for the right day...the day when they will choose to reveal the truth to the children. Blow your cover. Your cover will get blown. When? Heck I don't know you nor care to do so. It's just a matter of time before it happens. Spin can't cover truth. Never does.

Run along desperate, stupid, narcissistic, entitled little wayward.

Right now I can't even muster up any strength to pray for your wretched soul.


me:37 BS; s:7; xh:38; OW:26;eloped w/OW 1 wk after D: 12/29/03. OC born 3/17/04. Happy! Blessed to be the mother of a wonderful son..great profession..Life's good!
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
[color:"red"]fictional[/color]
please
don't
waste
brain
cells

... you will KNOW this is fictional when "she" comes back to argue

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
Quote
Hebrews 13
4 Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled; but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.


5 Let your manner of living be without covetousness, and be content with such things as ye have. For He hath said, "I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee";


6 so that we may boldly say, "The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me."


7 Remember those who have the rule over you, who have spoken unto you the Word of God. Follow their faith, considering the outcome of their manner of living.


8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, and today, and for ever.

Quote
James 4
4 Ye adulterers and adulteresses, know ye not that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God.


5 Do ye think that the Scripture saith in vain, "The spirit that dwelleth in us lusteth to envy"?


6 But He giveth more grace; therefore He saith, "God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble."


7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.


8 Draw nigh to God, and He will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners, and purify your hearts, ye doubleminded.


9 Be afflicted and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning, and your joy to heaviness.


10 Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He shall lift you up.


FOR THE REST OF US:
Quote
1 Corinthians 15
51 Behold, I show you a mystery: We shall not all sleep; but we shall all be changed


52 in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.


53 For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality.


54 So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written: "Death is swallowed up in victory."


55 "O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?"


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 3,788
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 3,788
Ya know Pep...I so WANT this to be fictional.

I refuse to speak to whomever wrote that either way. But because I do know how an unrepentant egomaniac narcissist wayward can be, I have such a short fuse with them. The totally unrepentant ones that is.

I hope this is fictional.

Please tell me if you can find out, that this is or is not as I want to know either way. For my conscience and for the others here who are worried about str8jacket.


me:37 BS; s:7; xh:38; OW:26;eloped w/OW 1 wk after D: 12/29/03. OC born 3/17/04. Happy! Blessed to be the mother of a wonderful son..great profession..Life's good!
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
I searched the New Ulm, MN obituaries and didn't see anyone named Robert who recently passed away.

Obituaries


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,121
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,121
Check his profile for his full name and date of birth.
I still can't find anything even with that info.
Maybe some internet pro can????

I HOPE it's not true!!

Page 2 of 4 1 2 3 4

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5