Marriage Builders®
Posted By: Pepperband McBecca - 11/04/06 03:49 PM
GOOD LORD woman !!!

YOU are certainly writing an exciting new chapter in your life

YOU are certainly experiencing a catharsis of the soul

YOU are certainly using your past error to better yourself

YOU are in this crucible with your senses alive

Nothing could make me happier for you

Keep it up !

Pep
As you may have read my first few posts, I was SO lost in the midst of my fog only He has been able to help me come out of it. I prayed so hard for so long, and kept feeling as if my prayers were not being answered. However, what I realize now is that my prayers were being answered as my baby was growing inside my tummy! Yeap... I couldn't understand why something like this could happen to me, or what it all meant... during the foggiest times I really had convinced myself that this baby (OC) was coming into our lives as a "sign" that OM and I were meant to be together!! HA! what a bunch of C R A P that was in my head.....

Now I see it so clearly, OC came into our lives to bring BH and I closer and for us to truly recover our M or better yet create a NEW M. Only God is able to work such dispair into so much joy! Our DD (almost 5 months old now) is the not OM's answered prayer, is BH's answered prayer... he is the person God chose to raise her regardless of what OM may want. God's perfect plan was never to allow OM and I to destroy my family but for BH to have family the Wife he deserves and the family he worked so hard to keep together.

I kept questioning God in all of this and I do not need to do that anymore. OC was meant to be here and was meant to be raised by BH and I in a loving, secure, good home that only we can provide.

This was all a very hard lesson for me to learn but I am glad I am learning, I am glad I was given a second and third chance! When I read the posts on these boards about the WW who cannot see the light yet, I just say a prayer because I know they cannot do this on their own.... this "affair adiction" is just so strong, if it wasn't for God, perhaps I would still be in my own addiction! How sad...

I hope my story can help others. If there was a couple that did not think they could even begin to work through this, is us!!

B
Quote:

I couldn't understand why something like this could happen to me




Keep in mind McBecca that none of this just "happened" to you...All of "this" occured due to your CHOICES...God is there to help you through this because he is merciful and loving and you have chosen to bend your knee to Him...I wish nothing but blessings to you and your family...So glad you are here...

Mrs. W
McBecca you are doing great. BUT pay heed to Mrs. Wondering's comments. Nothing happened to you..You chose the wrong path, used bad judgment on many ocassions and by your own admission were selfish, immoral, and entitled.

That said, you are becoming an inspiration to other FWW's on this board and your input is valuable.

God bless you and your family.
HI Becca.

"you are becoming an inspiration to other FWW's on this board and your input is valuable"


verrrrrry true.

Tony
Quote:

Just last night my husband (who I hurt so deeply in this horrible mess) put his wedding ring back on as a sign of his committment to our marriage.




woooo-hoooooo!!!!!!
We had agreed that once he would be ready he would let me know. Then over the last few days he agreed to take vacation time over Thanksgiving so we can fly to see my Mom and family in FL (we are in TX)!! I know this is not cheap as we need 5 tickets pretty much last minute but he said he has not taken much time off since DD#3 was born so it was time. So THAT alone was HUGE great news for me as that means he wants to see my family and it felt like the "old days", then out of the blue right before bed last night he handed me his wedding ring (which I had not seen it in the house for months!) and he told me to put it on his finger again as he is certain I am sincere and he is ready for us to put the past in the past (without forgetting the lessons we've learned of course!).

So here we are today.........

B
I'm so happy for you, Becca.

~ Marsh
Quote:

OC was meant to be here and was meant to be raised by BH and I in a loving, secure, good home that only we can provide.





McBecca... I am happy for you that things are working out... but this statement rubs me the wrong way. OC was not meant to be there. You were meant to be faithful to your H and not to get pregnant by some other man. Your H may love her with all his heart... but she was conceived during an affair and that is not what was meant to happen.

Quote:

Now I see it so clearly, OC came into our lives to bring BH and I closer and for us to truly recover our M or better yet create a NEW M.




God does not bring sin into your life to bring you closer. You may wind up closer... but remember, this child did not come into your lives to benefit your H in any way. Your New M may indeed be wonderful...but your having an A is in no way a positive... no matter what came from it.

Quote:

Our DD (almost 5 months old now) is the not OM's answered prayer, is BH's answered prayer...




Again, a rub me the wrong way statement... the answer to your H's prayers was for you to get pregnant by another man. I just don't buy it.
Quote:

but remember, this child did not come into your lives to benefit your H in any way.




Respectfully, I disagree.

From my viewpoint, my OCs are THE ONLY good that came from my husband's adultry. They are here for a reason...and the reason is not only basic biology. They are MY blessings for doing what is right...but they are not my blessings alone. Because, like all blessings, they are better when shared.

Perhaps McBecca and Mr. McB look on their blessings in a way similar to my way of thinking?

You are correct...God does not bring sin into our lives to bring us closer...He does not bring sin into our lives at all...we choose it. But what He does do, He DOES make the best with the choices we make. Whether or not we see what He does or not is up to us.

Much love to the McBs!

- Kimmy
I totally agree with your POV, Deal....

CHILDREN ARE A GIFT FROM GOD...

Quote:

Then over the last few days he agreed to take vacation time over Thanksgiving so we can fly to see my Mom and family in FL




woooo-freaking-hoooo
Children are a gift.... in this case it was a gift born out of a horrible sin. My entire point here is that no H wishes for his W to become pregnant with another mans baby.... and no man should be happy that is what happened. That is a curse... you along with God can turn it into something positive... Your H may not say so... but in reality, I guarantee you even though he loves that child, he wishes that she was not the result of an adulterous tryst... and that is not what is meant to happen.. it is a result of what happened.
The end does not and never will justify the means.
Quote:

horrible sin




MEDC...You are REDUNDANT...AGAIN!!! Your sins are just as horrible as any here, as are mine...I'm certain that McBecca is well aware that her situation is NOT the ideal, but that God is helping she and her husband see blessings where others may not...God is very clear in stating that children are GIFTS from Him...

Mrs. W
Mrs. W... I thought we were not speaking.
All things work together for good to those who love Him.

Even our sins can be used for good, if we repent and trust Him.

If a baby is the result of a rape, can't the victim look at the baby as a blessing? Something GOOD that came from something terrible?

~ Marsh
Quote:

Mrs. W... I thought we were not speaking.




That's the first I've heard of that MEDC...I've NEVER been on "not speaking" terms with anyone in my life! No joke! I don't have the ability to not speak to people...a curse maybe?

Wish you well...

Mrs. W

Edited to Add...EXCEPT FOR FOM...Obviously
LOL @ you, Mrs. W!

~ Marsh
well, considering this is the first time I have heard one peep from you after you were rude to me during the previous McBecca discussion, forgive me for the assumption.

And I don't agree that all sin is equal.... I think someone that steals a loaf of bread because he is hungry is a far cry from a murderer...IMHO, all sins are not equal... just as all offenses against another are not equal.
Quote:

well, considering this is the first time I have heard one peep from you after you were rude to me during the previous McBecca discussion, forgive me for the assumption.

And I don't agree that all sin is equal.... I think someone that steals a loaf of bread because he is hungry is a far cry from a murderer...IMHO, all sins are not equal... just as all offenses against another are not equal.




Well sorry about that dude, just didn't have anything to say before now that's all...Personally I didn't think that I was any more rude to you than you were to me-actually I didn't consider myself rude at all-like yourself, I do NOT tiptoe around what I wish to say...hmmm...Chalk it up to perspective I guess!

As far as all sin not being equal...I don't wish to debate that...All repented sin IS forgiven I think you'll agree...I will say that I'm glad that you nor I are God...

Btw, IME, we're cool...

Mrs. W

P.S. Marsh!
I didn't question your motivations... therein lies the difference. I know you give from your heart... even when I don't agree with you... and I can't ask for anymore than that.
Quote:

I didn't question your motivations... therein lies the difference. I know you give from your heart... even when I don't agree with you... and I can't ask for anymore than that.




Nor did I question your motivations MEDC...That was truly an unfortunate assumption on your part...I hope we can move past that...

Mrs. W
for crying out loud

I started this thread to give Becca praise and motivation

she is in very early recovery & this is a crucial time for her

so if you are not here to help me help her
bug off!
Quote:

bug off!




SHE has spoken.

Bye.
McBecca, I concur with Pep. You have grown and changed so much since you arrived here. Kudos to you and your hubby for putting your family first.

As for the OC, that is God taking your sin and using it for His good. A blessing to you and your H to come out of the hurt and pain of the A.
McBecca... If you like to read... pick up the book Marriage Undercover.

This is a story written by the BH and FWW ... a couple (Bob and Audrey Meisner) who are celebrities of a sort... they are part of a Christian tv show "It's a New Day". I have no idea if this is a show run throughout the US or just here in Canada.

My point, though, is it is an excellent story of forgiveness, recovery, and most importantly, in your case, the rebuilding of their family around a baby boy born through her infidelity.

One quote from the book "He brought beauty out of the ashes, rejoicing out of sorrow, and laughter out of weeping. Most of all, He took that which the enemy sowed into our lives with malicious intent and turned it into the most precious gift we could ever imagine - our son Robert."

And one other from the book... for all of us...

"God designed us to depend on Him daily, and when we don't, our lives are out of kilter. The more we depend on God the better we come to know Him, and the better we know Him, the closer we draw to Him. The closer we draw to Him, the more we love Him. Dependence, knowledge, closeness, love... these are all relational words that help to define intimacy.

Satan counterfeits with false intimacy. How does it compare? Instead of dependence, there is co-dependency; instead of knowledge, deception; instead of closeness, superficial affection; and instead of love, lust.

God uses marriage as a picture of our relationship with Him. If I desire true intimacy with God, it is only natural to desire true intimacy with (my spouse) in our marriage. It's okay to want it all when it comes to marriage as long as I am willing to give it all! True intimacy in marriage suffers when a husband and wife become blind to the beautiful qualities of character, strength, and inner grace that once drew them together. How do they restore intimacy? By finding ways to make themselves irresistible to each other again! The most irresistible quality is a heart surrendered to God."


McBecca... so happy to hear how you are continuing to turn this situation and use God's grace for something wonderful. Your family is blessed to have someone like you who is willing to go through the pain of facing the truth and making your life and your family's lives better for it.

Shaden
Pep... was that ok what I said? Was it inline with your wishes for this thread?


I'd hate to anger the all-powerful and mighty Pep... look I brought you the broomstick as you ordered.

Shaden
Quote:

I'd hate to anger the all-powerful and mighty Pep... look I brought you the broomstick as you ordered.




BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAA!!! Pretty good for a "furriner" Shaden!

Mrs. W
Switzerland, I know you're secretly "in love" with good-old-Pep ... so quit the crap and gimme a *kiss*
However, I do believe God is the only one capable of turning a WRONG into a RIGHT and that is how I see my situation. No I should never have entered into that A with OM, no I should never have been disloyal to BH, no I shouldn't have played Russian roulette with birth control etc.... the list is long of the "shouldn't haves" on my list, but Christ died for me just as he died for those that do the "right" thing or those like me who don't or at one point have been so under satan's attack they did everything WRONG!

I have repented, I Believe God is using OC to save my M, I believe God will also use OC to bring OM closer to him, I also believe God was the only one capable of helping BH forgive me and be now a better husband than he was before....Perhaps I am just a positive person who chooses to believe that good always comes out of a bad situation.

There are a lot of things that I (and those also involved) shouldn't have done in my situation but other than to learn from the past, I am trying hard to put my mistakes behind and not dwell on it and not see the blessings it has brought me. Trust me, I live with a daily reminder of that and I thank God every day for her.

Becca
Pep, I'm jealous of SWITZERLAND whoever that is...

I've been holding back on saying I LOVE YA today.

I sooo want to be like you WHEN I GROW UP!!!

and HUGS TO YOU, MCBECCA.....

Becca

the people I admire the most are the ones who fell

and then GOT BACK UP

it is our struggle that defines how strong we will be

I love people who fall & struggle ... and then with courage they grow into a soulful & strong creature .... because they struggled

I get tired of people who ask about "the easy way"
people who want to NOT struggle with the big issues in life

THAT'S what we're here for !!!

I embrace your struggle Becca ... it will change you in ways you are not even guessing it ever could

as PureBob says: all blessings

Pep
No, don't believe there's a hierarchy of sin, as in

"my sins don't stink".
Quote:

Becca

the people I admire the most are the ones who fell

and then GOT BACK UP

it is our struggle that defines how strong we will be

I love people who fall & struggle ... and then with courage they grow into a soulful & strong creature .... because they struggled

I get tired of people who ask about "the easy way"
people who want to NOT struggle with the big issues in life

THAT'S what we're here for !!!

I embrace your struggle Becca ... it will change you in ways you are not even guessing it ever could

as PureBob says: all blessings

Pep




Likewise, the people I admire are those who suffered great devastation and used it for growth, used it for becomming incredible people.

They say that at no other time in our lives will we have such opportunity for personal growth, change and creativity as we do after personal devastation.

I feel sorry for people who are never given struggles, or who run from them, or who use them to remain in victim mentality. I see them all the time, they are the ones who are petty, bitter, aging ungracefully, depressed, angry.

They say that God takes us to the desert and brings us to our knees for one reason...so we can hear Him. (to me that is symbolism for spiritual, emotional and mental growth...soul growth)

Good luck to you Becca!
Quote:

Quote:

Becca

the people I admire the most are the ones who fell

and then GOT BACK UP

it is our struggle that defines how strong we will be

I love people who fall & struggle ... and then with courage they grow into a soulful & strong creature .... because they struggled

I get tired of people who ask about "the easy way"
people who want to NOT struggle with the big issues in life

THAT'S what we're here for !!!

I embrace your struggle Becca ... it will change you in ways you are not even guessing it ever could

as PureBob says: all blessings

Pep




Likewise, the people I admire are those who suffered great devastation and used it for growth, used it for becomming incredible people.

They say that at no other time in our lives will we have such opportunity for personal growth, change and creativity as we do after personal devastation.

I feel sorry for people who are never given struggles, or who run from them, or who use them to remain in victim mentality. I see them all the time, they are the ones who are petty, bitter, aging ungracefully, depressed, angry.

They say that God takes us to the desert and brings us to our knees for one reason...so we can hear Him. (to me that is symbolism for spiritual, emotional and mental growth...soul growth)

Good luck to you Becca!




All that quoting to say, "Ditto!"

Becca, during some time I had to browse on MB the other day, I went through your story. It is one of courage... and... the greatest love...

I admire your choices as you walked a path few of us truly understand... your journey is truly a "soul journey"...

God bless you and your family!
Quote:

However, I do believe God is the only one capable of turning a WRONG into a RIGHT and that is how I see my situation.




And the crowd goes WILD.

STANDING OVATION!

YES!

YES!

YES!

(that's what I tried to say)

Awesome!
McBecca, so that I am clear, I do wish you and your H all the best. My only point was that no man would wish for his M ... and that even if a good comes from evil... it doesn't change that given the chance... your H would have had you not cheat even though that would mean no daughter. Now that she is here... obviously you both deserve happiness and I truly hope your M continues to grow.

You made the following comment... and I would suggest that you stop entertaining thoughts about the OM and what he is thinking or feeling.
Quote:

I believe God will also use OC to bring OM closer to him,



The OM is out of your lives unless he decides to take action to see his child. I would suggest that you begin removing him from your thoughts as well.

Be well McB.

MEDC
Quote:

Switzerland, I know you're secretly "in love" with good-old-Pep ... so quit the crap and gimme a *kiss*




sorry Pep... I love you, but I'm just not "in love" with you anymore.

...but "kisses" are great no matter what.

Swiss
Quote:

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAA!!! Pretty good for a "furriner" Shaden!

Mrs. W




I thought you'd like that one Mrs. Dubya.

BTW... I've been meaning to mention to you, or warn you... there's been someone hacking onto your computer and using your id fairly regularly. He claims it's because he was watching the Tigers on tv..

I dunno... sounds fishy to me... not much to watch when watching the Tigers.

Shaden

PS... MeBecca, how you doing today?

PPS... Pep... I included Becca on this post so it would be valid for the thread. Gotta cover my a$$.
medc~

In my reactionary mode, *your* post rubbed *me* the wrong way, but then once I really thought about it, I realized your view is exactly what my view would've been on a situation like McB's and my own, BEFORE my adultery, and what happened in the aftermath.

It is almost so unbelievable, that I don't even like to bring it up much here... because a lot of people just don't fathom it. Can't fathom that some of these BH's actually count their OC as a very personal blessing, sent straight down from God. It doesn't make sense, does it? It goes against human nature. But *some* of these OC's are the vessels that brought about the restoration of the M, when seemingly, nothing else could. Not to mention the pure joy that many of these BH's find in loving a child, who they don't "have" to love. And the love and joy these children GIVE... I can't even explain, because again it seems so unbelievable. Anyway...Satan must surely give a big huge shrug and say, "say WHAT?!?" when the situation unfolds in that manner. Definitely not what he had in mind, hey?

Plus medc, I think you're blurring the sin together with the child. No, a child should NOT be produced of an A, because there shouldn't be an A in the first place. But God doesn't make mistakes, so all children, including all OCs are meant to be, even though the *way* they were conceived was not meant to be, nor pleasing to God at all.

(sorry for the tj Pep)
(((((McBecca)))))

how are you doing today?

we are still worried about you, you know, you still have a long way to go.

Tony.
Quote:

Plus medc, I think you're blurring the sin together with the child.




I am not seeing the child that way at all. I see the child as being the innocent in all of this. I am merely saying that I cannot believe that any person if they could turn back the clock would want a child from an A... and that given the chance, the A and therefore the pregnancy would never have happened. The child is not the sin.... it is a result of the sin.
I can't think of anyone who would choose to have a child with Down syndrome (sp?), but yet I have heard countless stories of how that precious life has brought more joy and pleasure into the family's life then a "normal" child might have.

I know and agree with what you are saying, MEDC... but the time is past to think about that... Becca and her H now can focus on the joy of that little life.

Shaden
HI everybody.

McBecca is been an inspiration to a lot of people here.
PEP beat me in starting a praise thread for her.

Now let’s remember she is still extremely vulnerable and emotional right now.

IMHO I don’t think we should question her belief.

Without talking about the sin or what she did, she knows it was wrong.
And I believe she will recover.

Now the OC could have been the reason the A ended and could be the reason
Becca and her H got closer together. No body knows.

I don’t think I would have taken her H’s position and raise the child as my own.
But I will never know.

When you look into a newborn's eyes, when you hold a newborn in your arms,
Your oxytocin level goes sky high, either you are a man or a woman.
When a mother breast-feed her new born her oxytocin level rockets too.
And we all know that oxytocin is the love hormone, it ‘s in us to keep parents
Together while the kids need them together.
So you see maybe this is the reason they are recovering or on their journey to
Recover.
And you know what “ God work in mysterious ways”

The truth is we will never know, and everybody’s opinion is only an opinion.
If Becca believes what she believes then it’s valid for her it’s her truth, and if it’s the only
Thing that is helping her do the right thing so more power to her.

So let’s not argue with her belief and let’s not pick it apart.

We all could be right, but do we want to be right or help Becca with her recovery?
So let’s keep this thread for praising Becca, and start another one for arguing about
The subject.

MY 2 cents.

Tony.
Posted By: McBecca Thanks Tony.... how are you holding up? - 11/11/06 04:38 AM
I am doing well. I do understand MEDC's point, and trust me, I have learned these very hard lessons. However, now I am choosing to see the blessings in all of this and one of them is most certainly OC. The truth is when I became pregnant, both men (BH and OM) had plenty of reasons to want this baby. OM thought the baby meant I would leave BH and BH thought the baby meant I would leave OM. They both told me this in several ocassions. However, once we knew the results for sure, it wasn't just about OC anymore, I had to think of my 2 other children as well. What was best for them, for me, for all involved. Frankly, until I accepted in my heart that the stability my children need could only be by me working on my M and letting the OM go, I was a complete confused mess myself.

Like MEDC says, I cannot longer concern myself with OM and his life. But I am still working on that. OC is a replica of OM and so it is going to be very hard for me to just put him completely out of my mind but at least now when I see her, I don't have a stabbing pain in my heart, but more of a peaceful feeling knowing this is what is best for her too.

So one day at a time........ BH is truly amazing. I am so grateful for him. He wants nothing more than for us to grow old together and that if one day OM reappears in OC's life, for that not to have ANY impact in our lives. Only time will tell.

B
Posted By: McBecca Oh wow Thanks Shaden!! - 11/11/06 04:44 AM
I am going to look for this book!! I have not heard of them... but it sounds quite like the kind of book we need to read. Thanks for the info!!! I am going to order it right now!!

Blessings to you!
B
Posted By: Gale44 Re: Oh wow Thanks Shaden!! - 11/11/06 07:49 AM
God bless you McBecca. God bless your husband too. Give him a big hug from me, and tell him to KNOW that he will NEVER be sorry for this. If only I had stepped up to the plate as well as your BH, I may not need to be here now. Unfortunately, I decided to turn to the god that is bottled and canned in Milwaukee instead of the One true God that gave my son to me.

It just seems to be a catch22 for everyone involved. You hate the sin, you may hate the sinner, you love that little baby.

I would never wish the pain my WW put me through during her affairs back then on anyone but the OM. I would never wish the pain that she put me through after DDay on anyone but the OM. I would take that pain a million times over to have this little boy in my life. I would take it and I would smile and ask for more if I had to. In a way that is exactly what I am doing.

God don't make us do anything. Good OR Bad! God knows what we are going to do before we do it, and he knows what needs to be done. He knows these things because he has watched billions and billions of us make the same mistakes over and over again since the beginning of time. I couldn't understand back then. I couldn't see past my own pain to see that God was giving me a wakeup call. I just felt sorry for myself, and shared the pain with my poor WW. It wasn't until DDay #2 that God got through to me, and I started to see that we are all human, and we all fall down.

Her infidelity was probably the worst sin she could commit against me, but I am the one that made it hurt so bad. I am the one that took the joy of a new baby coming into this world and turned it into a nightmare for an expectant mother. And yet, she couldn't, she could not allow herself to regret what she had done simply because it would mean that she was wishing her beautiful baby had never been born.

I couldn't get THAT until I watched his birth. I cut the cord and they rushed him into ICU because the stress had caused his premature birth. To live with the usless guilt of blaming myself for threatening his life by badgering and yelling at my poor WW all because I needed help dealing with the pain that I wasn't strong enough to, and MY god wasn't able to wash away.

But to look into that baby's eyes that first time, and feel so much love. To hold that tiny little boy. How could a man not love him. I have loved him for eight years. I have done the best that I knew how, and yet I haven't done good enough. I would die for this boy, and I would walk through the fires of he ll for him. He deserves the best that I can give him, and that's not talking about material things. I have shown him what a bad father is. I will show him what a father that knows the one true God can do. I will protect him from this he ll that we have created for him, and I will fight for him as he is not yet strong enough to fight for himself. I love his mother, and I have hurt her so. I will love his mother for the rest of my life. I will love her for giving me this child. God knows, she didn't have to. I will trust God to bring us back together.

God doesn't use sin? I have to differ on that. God doesn't cause it, but he knows it's going to happen. So he might as well use it to his advantage.

God speaks to all of us. It's up to us to listen. Sometimes he uses a Mack truck, and sometimes he uses a baby. For us the baby didn't work, so he went and got the truck. I am so glad that for you the baby got the job done.

I am so happy for you. I pray that you continue to trust God to heal your wounds. I know that he is there for you.
McB,

I sincerely hope and pray that you & your BH make it work.

I had a 10-month A with a coworker. Moved in 2 weeks before last Christmas. Ruined my whole family's holiday season.
Once the D would be final, we planned to get married. But the family house wouldn't sell & D drug on & on.

I asked God for a sign if I was going the right way.
8 hours later the OW broke up with me.
4 hour after that, we got a contract to sell the house.
I may be slow, but I heard that one, and came back & begged my BS to give me one more chance.

We are 3 weeks into recovery, & things are looking great.

God doesn't accomplish his works through sin, but he sure makes the best with what little we give him to work with.
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