Hi everyone. I'll give you a quick rundown of my situation. WH and I have been married 12 yrs and have 3 kiddos. 2 yrs ago he was involved with a project at his work and had a PA with OW that was helping with the project. This PA went on for about a year. Meanwhile, me the clueless BW had no idea! The PA ended when OW took a job with my company (I hired her, I was her supervisor). We became pretty good friends when she started working w/me. Fast forward to 1/07 and I find some text messages that just don't quite add up. I confront WH and he denies anything happened. 3 days later OW comes into my office and tells me everything, how it got started, how long it lasted, etc. This becomes the living ****** part of my life!
WH is very sorry, and we are really trying to work things out. He's been attending IC and we've been to MC also. Things are going ok between us.
But.... how the heck do I deal with OW? After the A came out I told my supervisor that I could no longer supervise her and he took over supervising her. But I still have to work with her on a daily basis. She is looking for other employment, but the job market here just sucks. I go from being so angry with her to just feeling plain ol sorry for her. I'm close to quitting my job just to get away from her and the memories that working here brings, but that just isn't that great of a plan. How do I deal?!?!
Thanks!!!!!!!

How do you deal? I guess you go to work everyday and hope you don't kick her [censored] or shoot her. If you choose to stay there, I suppose you have to accept that you will have the affair rubbed in your face every day. That is not something I could do; there is no career worth that.

Shame on your H for allowing you to hire her knowing what he knew. If it were me, I would quit my job with the expectation that my H take up the slack with a second job or something [sell his motorcycle, stocks, etc] since he caused the situation.

What kind of text messages. Were they in contact with each other then?

NC must be for both of you, not just your H.

I would try to force her to quit. She had no business coming to you for a job in the first place. Talk to your boss. If you can't get her to quit, then fire her on the grounds that her affair with your H is compromising your ability to function on your job.

She's got big brass ones for even interviewing for a job with you as her supervisor. Talk about in-your-face!

I agree - quit immediately and make him pick up the slack.

If Wowzers likes her job, the OW should go. Wowzer's a supervisor...way more valuable to a company then someone who has only been there a year.

Why should wowzers have to start over somewhere else because of some OW who has about as much integrity as an ally cat.

Becoming friends with her after she [email]scr@wed[/email] her husband for a year, and maybe longer. Gross!

weaver, I agree that rightfully the OW should leave, but she can't' make her leave. She certainly can't fire her lest she leave herself and the company wide open for a lawsuit. You can't just fire someone because they make you uneasy.

ML -- You don't know how many times I've wanted to walk up to her and punch her. As for staying here it's very complicated. I carry the health insurance on the family and I'm afraid to lose that. When I hired her my WH told me I shouldn't hire her. He didn't give me any specific reasons, but she was the best applicant. The only good thing that came from hiring her is that's when the A stopped.
Weaver -- Yes they were in contact then. They have been in NC since then. I've never thought about NC for me. I only talk business with her now. I have tried to force her to quit. Because of the way our policy is written there are no grounds for firing her. This situation just greatly sucks!!!!

I've been trying to wrap my head around what the heck she was thinking taking this job! The thing about him taking up the slack is one area that we are working on. He has been so involved in so many things outside of the home that it has greatly effected our relationship. That is one of the things that he's had to cut back on is outside work and outside responsibilities. Does that make sense??

Can you take a leave of absence?
Approach your employer with that request. Give them the specific reason why.
That you want to take off XXX months. You will return sooner if she leaves.
(My guess is they will try to make other arrangements and get her out....)

Doesn't help a bit, does it? You can't ever recover when you are reminded every day of the affair.

Wow, you will just have to decide which is more important to you. I see you in an impossible situation that precludes you from ever healing from the affair.

Do all your coworkers know that she has had an affair with your H?

You can find a way if you need to. I once had someone who reported to me write me a nasty email which I forwarded to my boss. My boss said that if the email created an inability for me to effectively function on the job (relationship between me and that employee had become compromised) we would fire her. I decided she was worth too much to my office to let go, and worked things out with her.

Can you access her email? Any company policies against personal emails, personal use of the computer.

I'd be looking at it very hard if it were me.

And Wowzers, I smell a rat. Why would she want to work for you if she were having an affair with your H? Do you think she is a total whack job? Is she trying to remain close to your H through you?

Have you considered exposure?
If you told everyone in the office about the situation, they would likely shun her. It would make such an uncomfortable working situation that she would desperately want to leave.

Check with your boss about firing her. If you live in an at-will employment state, and there is no employment contract, she can be fired for any reason.

Lexxxy,
My employer has been very good to me during this time. I've taken more time off the last couple months than I ever have. They've even allowed me to take some work home so I'm not here as much. They have been trying to make other arrangements, like trying to move her to another position in another building, but they are afraid of a lawsuit.

With this being said, it looks like even if the OW left your co. you would still have bad memories with your work place.

Taking that in to account I think you need to start looking for a new job. Take your time and fine a good one. While you are looking maybe OW will leave first. Also have your H look for a job the has heathcare. If he finds a job like that then it would be easier for you to find any old job to get away.

I agree, OW sure has some F ing nerve to apply for that job.

Nope, it doesn't help at all. And yes all my coworkers know about the affair. That makes it even harder to stay here. I feel judgement/sympathy/everything coming from everyone else. She really plays up things to her advantage also. She's in a terrible marraige and she really likes to play the victim card with everyone.

WOWZER, have you pursued this issue with the director of HR to see if they can fire her? This situation would be considered an extremely hostile work environment that would leave them open to a law suit if not handled carefully. It may be in their best interests to buy her out to get rid of her.

If you frame it with HR to make sure he understands this: a predatory woman who was having an affair with my H applied for this job as a way to harm me. Tell him you suspect her motive was to STALK YOU. Now that you know about the affair, you have to come to work every day and work in an impossible environment. You can never forget about the affair and heal. You are raped all over again every day when you walk in the door. This impossible environment is effecting your performance and your mental health.

I would make a big deal of this and force their hand. You might want to also spread the word amongst the other employees that she is a ho. Women hate women like that.

Did you expose to her husband?? ALL OW claim they are in "terrible" marriages.

I really don't want to be nasty about it. We live in a small town and this is something I don't want to get out. Firing her would just cause too many more problems. I have no idea why she would take a job with me. She has some huge issues (obviously) that she needs to take care of. I don't think she was trying to remain close to my WH but who knows what the ****** was going on in her head!

They all know. It's been uncomfortable for her, but she's loving the sympathy of being the poor victim.

Was she stalking you?

No it has not been exposed to her husband. I know him and I'm afraid of the ramifications if he finds out. I know it's been said a million times that he needs to know, but I truely feel like I'm backed up against a wall on this one.

I don't feel like she was stalking me. I truely don't understand her motives for what she's done!

You need to toughen up wowzers. You are playing way too nice.

Mel's advice about what to say to HR is very good. Also Lexxy's on asking for a leave of absence.

Companies do not like to lose supervisors.

You are being raped every day and your main concern is being nice, as weaver said. WOWZER. You have to defend yourself. STOP THIS.


OMG! No, you are not backed up against a wall. You need to call the man TODAY and tell him. You are doing nothing more than protecting that little ho and enabling her to come back and pursue your H or someone elses. Stop helping the OW at your own expense!!

WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?? Because I honestly can't tell!

What ARE you doing??

Wow,

You said that you live in a small town and that all the people in your office knows about the A. OWH doesn't know right now, but don't you think in time and being in a small town that he will learn of this?

Also you don't know why she is working at your office. Maybe she is trying to be you. Maybe she would love to be your H wife. When my wife was wayward she told me that she wished she was OMW. Just a thought.

Your employer has some responsibility for YOU, wowser.

First of all -- are you in a "at-will" state? If so, she can be fired for any reason (or no reason!).

Second: do some reseach on "hostile working environment". Once you have informed your company of your situation, they have responsibility to fix this!

Third: ask for a leave of absence until they have changed this situation.

Fourth: Tell OWH. He has the right to the truth. If she is really so afraid of him, why on earth would she provoke him with an AFFAIR?????? Are you afraid for your husband?

The OW is allowed to play the victim because she has so many ENABLERS. WOWZER, girlfriend, you are at the TOP of that list. Please remove yourself from that list. You don't help anyone in this scenario by helping her hide her dirty secret. Most of all you don't help her victims, you and the OWH.

Okay, you aren't getting this. This woman is insane!!!! She wants to become you. She wants your husband, your job, you hair color, your truck/car brand, your........ She is peeved at not having YET accomplished the first goal of becoming the next Mrs. Wowzer.

Tell idiot, Glen Close, fatal attraction, rabbit boiling OW's husband ASAP! He is a victim in all of this and deserves to know the real woman he is living with. I would also tell my employer the whole story and request (demand) that she not be allowed near me.

I am looking for different employment. But there just aren't much options here now. My H's work offers healthcare but we declined in order to get more take home pay. My healthcare here is excellent. We can't get back on his healthcare until August. So right now I feel pretty stuck in a bad situation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Not true --
If you left your employment and lost your coverage -- you could join your husbands work plan immediately. That is what they call a "covered event". You do not have to wait until their open enrollment period.

Wow,

you feel stuck b/c you are not doing much about your sitch. Your not sticking up for yourself. You need to listen to these women here and tell OWH about the A.

I agree with the above posts that tell you to have a talk with HR. Explain the whole thing - the whole thing to them.

You need to start fighting this b*tch and you have just the right people here to do that with.

Start taking back your life today.

OK Guys. I'm leaving for a min. I'll get back and respond later. Thanks for all your advice.

OK.. To answer some questions and shed more light on the situation. HR does know the whole situation. They have even gone to the board for advisement, but because of the way the policy is written they are afraid to fire her w/o cause for fear of a lawsuit. I haven't thought about the whole hostile work enviornment arguement though. There are some possibilities there. I don't know why I'm being so nice about this whole situation. Heck, I don't know why I feel what I feel half the time. But I do know that WH and I need to move on with our lives (it's just dang hard to do!).

Now about OWH. He is a jerk. He will make my WH's life a living he!! He is in law enforcement and he will stop at nothing to make our life miserable. I don't think I can deal with him while I'm trying to put my M back together.

It has been helpful to read what everyone has said and everything makes sense, but how do I grow a set to follow through???

I do understand the OWH being an *ss and all, but I think everyone here will tell you to expose to him anyway.

Have you thought about moving all together? Dr. Harley says that sometimes moving to another state is needed in order to avoid the OP all together.

We have thought about moving quite a bit. I think if things get much worse here that will be our next plan of action.

Don't pick Wis - the winters here suck <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Moving would help a lot. There would be no chance of your H and OW running into each other again. Small town and all would make it hard not to run into each other.

Affairee's always make the BS out to be a jerk, or insane, or whacked.

Could he be acting whacko because his W is running around on him? Would he appreciate knowing?

Do you think the OWH would do bodily harm on your H or his wife?

I know what it is like to be lied to. To question you own sanity because everyone is hiding something from you, to question who knew, who lied...

Tough call though, I do understand that.

It'll be interesting what other's thought are on the subject.

The thing is I've known OW and OWH for years. He's always been an a$$. I really don't care what he will do to her. She keeps going back and forth between divorce or not. He's been unfaithful to her as well. And if he finds out I think that will help him make the decision for her.... but I don't think he'll cause bodily harm to her or my H, but I think he will smear my H reputation. Reputation is a big thing in a small town.

Would moving make it look and feel like we are running from our problems??

She WAS stalking you and she was trying to use you to get to your husband. If she's your pal, she'll get close to him, too, and will have the perfect doorway into getting to him (you). This is predatory behaviour on her part and it's not unusual. Sick, but not unusual.

I agree with the others. You have got to start fighting for yourself and your marriage or you are going to lose your husband to this lowlife predatory b*tch.

Call her husband today. Any consequences are on the heads of the OW and your WH - NOT yours.
Mulan

I still don't understand why, if the affair ended a year ago when you hired her, they were texting each other back in 01/07?

I'm still smelling a rat.

Did you say the affair ended a year ago? or am I missing something.

You are being asked to work with your RAPIST as if nothing happened. That is emotional ABUSE of the highest form. Adultery is as TRAUMATIC as RAPE, according to PSYCHOLOGISTS, such as Dr. Willard Harley. Going to work every day and facing your rapist is cruel and unusual punishment that prevents you from recovery. You cannot recover as long as you have to face your rapist.


Guess who the REAL JERK is here? Your H and his ho. Your H screwed his wife, dear. So don't tell me the victim is a "jerk." He is their VICTIM. Your H and his ho made your life and his life miserable by commiting adultery. Your H did not care enough about this man's wrath to avoid taking such a risk. If your H and the OW don't care, then why should you? And who knows him better than the OW?

The bottom line is that this man HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW! This is HIS RIGHT. Even jerks and [censored] have a RIGHT TO KNOW the truth about their own lives. To not tell him is to PROTECT the affairees from the consequences of thier actions. You become their PROTECTOR, their ENABLER.

You are the ENABLER of the OW. By not telling her other victim, you leave her free to pursue your H in the future. You are helping her cheat.


You have this backwards. You have to ACT to grow a set of balls, not the other way around. You will become a HERO when you ACT, and not before.

Yes according to both of them it ended a year ago. He claims he was texting her to keep her quiet. "To appease her so she didn't tell me." They had been texting for quite a while before I found the messages. (I actually don't know if the texting stopped after the Affair) I didn't and don't buy it either, but I have to move forward past that. And to further complicate she claims he was trying to start it up again, he claims she was trying to start it up again. Who knows?!?!

This is why you need to explose to her husband. You need his help.

You need this brought to the light of day to save your marriage...and your sanity.

I sense you are being played.

If you understand that the affair is an addiction, then you know it is highly unlikely that it ended just because she started working for you.

I'm sorry. I know you are hurting and we are not saying what you want to hear. But trust me, we have all either been through this or read it a thousand times on this board.

Of course, THAT IS THE POINT. You would be removing yourself from the SOURCE OF THE PROBLEM: the OW. That is the GOAL. Such a move would greatly increase the chances of saving your marriage.

You know what? You only know about a few recent text messages and that is probably only the tip of the ice burg. As long as they are in ANY contact, the affair is ongoing. I think the affair is still on and that the OW is just keeping an eye on you so you won't disrupt their affair. As long as you shut up she can continue to pursue your H and laugh at you behind your back.

Whatever happened that has allowed you to let people treat you so badly? Are you not worth defending? What has happened, WOW?

I still can't believe that the OWH hasn't been informed yet.

What is it about everyone affected by As that causes us to naturally gravitate towards actions that allow the A to comfortably continue and away from actions that could put pressure on it to end? Maybe the "Fog" doesn't affect just the WS and OP? Maybe this is Mother Nature's way of ensuring that her devious plans for propagation of our species are as unhindered as possible, by wiring us to come up with all sorts of "rational" excuses for not doing the very things that will hinder an A from developing or progressing.

IMO both "Wowzers" and her WH should inform the OWH immediately.

They have had no contact since the A was outted. I have full access to his cell and e-mail accounts now. I know that a few texts that I saw were just the tip, but we are healing and trying to move past that. I fully believe there is nothing going on any longer.

And another reason why I haven't told OWH is because our therapist told me that I shouldn't. He knows the whole situation and he said it should be up to her and that it would do us no good.

As for what has happened to me.... this whole damn affair thing! It completely blew me out of the water and made me feel like I can't even trust my instinsts anymore. I have been betrayed sooo badly by the person that I trusted the most I don't know which way is up anymore.

Did you see this therapist during or after his A?



See my note above. I'm beginning to think that Mother Nature's deliberately wired us to be pretty blind to our S' wandering ways... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

[quoteDid you see this therapist during or after his A?



We started seeing a therapist after the affair came out. We've both seen the therapist individually as well as together.

Your therapist is a QUACK who knows absolutely nothing about infidelity. And most don't. This is bad advice that only enables the affair and greatly increases the chances of a resumption. Not to mention that this is information about the OWH own life to which HE HAS A RIGHT A NEED TO KNOW.

He has to know so he can protect himself from your H and his wife. Your C is DEAD WRONG and Dr. Harley, a psychologist who specializes in adultery, would tell him this.

Your C can't possibly rationally defend such dreadful advice and you should not follow it.

To allow the OWH to be around your H, not knowing about the affair is cruel and manipulative, WOW. When someone is harmed behind their back, you have a moral obligation to tell them so they can protect themselves.

If your neighbors bookkeeper was embezzling money from him would you not warn him because "it was the bookkeepers place to tell him?" Wouldn't that LUDICROUS?? Well, it is ludicrous for you not to tell the OWH and no responsible, educated "therapist" would ever advocate such irresponsible, cruel neglect.

By not telling the other victim, you ENABLE the affair and the affairees at your own expense. Go tell the man, WOW!

>I fully believe there is nothing going on any longer.


May I respectfully say here, that I believed that at one time also...2 OCs later I BELIVE I put my trust in the wrong people from the get go.

Look...they both kept stuff from you...are you that CERTAIN that you should TRUST him already???

I mean, you know him...BUT...trust is EARNED...has he REALLY earned your trust back already? Is he REALLY 150% accountable to your for himself and all his actions ALREADY?

Just asking...

Cos honestly, it certainly is early in the healing timeline if he is...

Prodigy WS, that man, if so.

FWW swore in church in front of the altar nothing was going on.

She put it in writing.

She cried real tears, begged me to believe her. Many times.

It was continuing right on along, and it continued smoothly on along for another five years.


You see what you want to see.

WOW, you write this:



Then you write this:



See how you say that you can't even trust yourself? An A will do this to you. I came here last June and I was blown out of the water too, we all were at one point. I had about 10-15 posts under my belt at that time and that is when everyone here told me to expose to the OMW. Took me a few days to get a phone number and the next thing I knew we were having lunch together. Talk it all over and would call each other if we found any more contact. You really need to expose this to OWH. It will help in the short and long run. Hey, maybe OWH will make her find a new job.

Time to kick this b*tch out of the office and off your H for good.

Just wanted to post again and let you all know that OW found another job and left a few days after that. I haven't seen her now for a couple of weeks. It's been great. OWH does now know, and no, I'm a chicken and I was not the one to tell him about it. Things are going pretty well in our M, and we are on our way to recovery. It's still really painful at times, but we'll get through it. Thanks for all your advise and help!