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#1846447 03/20/07 06:48 AM
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Hi everyone. I'll give you a quick rundown of my situation. WH and I have been married 12 yrs and have 3 kiddos. 2 yrs ago he was involved with a project at his work and had a PA with OW that was helping with the project. This PA went on for about a year. Meanwhile, me the clueless BW had no idea! The PA ended when OW took a job with my company (I hired her, I was her supervisor). We became pretty good friends when she started working w/me. Fast forward to 1/07 and I find some text messages that just don't quite add up. I confront WH and he denies anything happened. 3 days later OW comes into my office and tells me everything, how it got started, how long it lasted, etc. This becomes the living ****** part of my life!
WH is very sorry, and we are really trying to work things out. He's been attending IC and we've been to MC also. Things are going ok between us.
But.... how the heck do I deal with OW? After the A came out I told my supervisor that I could no longer supervise her and he took over supervising her. But I still have to work with her on a daily basis. She is looking for other employment, but the job market here just sucks. I go from being so angry with her to just feeling plain ol sorry for her. I'm close to quitting my job just to get away from her and the memories that working here brings, but that just isn't that great of a plan. How do I deal?!?!
Thanks!!!!!!!

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How do you deal? I guess you go to work everyday and hope you don't kick her [censored] or shoot her. If you choose to stay there, I suppose you have to accept that you will have the affair rubbed in your face every day. That is not something I could do; there is no career worth that.

Shame on your H for allowing you to hire her knowing what he knew. If it were me, I would quit my job with the expectation that my H take up the slack with a second job or something [sell his motorcycle, stocks, etc] since he caused the situation.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Fast forward to 1/07 and I find some text messages that just don't quite add up. I confront WH and he denies anything happened.


What kind of text messages. Were they in contact with each other then?

NC must be for both of you, not just your H.

I would try to force her to quit. She had no business coming to you for a job in the first place. Talk to your boss. If you can't get her to quit, then fire her on the grounds that her affair with your H is compromising your ability to function on your job.

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She's got big brass ones for even interviewing for a job with you as her supervisor. Talk about in-your-face!

I agree - quit immediately and make him pick up the slack.


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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If Wowzers likes her job, the OW should go. Wowzer's a supervisor...way more valuable to a company then someone who has only been there a year.

Why should wowzers have to start over somewhere else because of some OW who has about as much integrity as an ally cat.

Becoming friends with her after she [email]scr@wed[/email] her husband for a year, and maybe longer. Gross!

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weaver, I agree that rightfully the OW should leave, but she can't' make her leave. She certainly can't fire her lest she leave herself and the company wide open for a lawsuit. You can't just fire someone because they make you uneasy.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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ML -- You don't know how many times I've wanted to walk up to her and punch her. As for staying here it's very complicated. I carry the health insurance on the family and I'm afraid to lose that. When I hired her my WH told me I shouldn't hire her. He didn't give me any specific reasons, but she was the best applicant. The only good thing that came from hiring her is that's when the A stopped.
Weaver -- Yes they were in contact then. They have been in NC since then. I've never thought about NC for me. I only talk business with her now. I have tried to force her to quit. Because of the way our policy is written there are no grounds for firing her. This situation just greatly sucks!!!!

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She's got big brass ones for even interviewing for a job with you as her supervisor. Talk about in-your-face!

I agree - quit immediately and make him pick up the slack.

I've been trying to wrap my head around what the heck she was thinking taking this job! The thing about him taking up the slack is one area that we are working on. He has been so involved in so many things outside of the home that it has greatly effected our relationship. That is one of the things that he's had to cut back on is outside work and outside responsibilities. Does that make sense??

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Can you take a leave of absence?
Approach your employer with that request. Give them the specific reason why.
That you want to take off XXX months. You will return sooner if she leaves.
(My guess is they will try to make other arrangements and get her out....)

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I've never thought about NC for me. I only talk business with her now.

Doesn't help a bit, does it? You can't ever recover when you are reminded every day of the affair.

Wow, you will just have to decide which is more important to you. I see you in an impossible situation that precludes you from ever healing from the affair.

Do all your coworkers know that she has had an affair with your H?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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You can find a way if you need to. I once had someone who reported to me write me a nasty email which I forwarded to my boss. My boss said that if the email created an inability for me to effectively function on the job (relationship between me and that employee had become compromised) we would fire her. I decided she was worth too much to my office to let go, and worked things out with her.

Can you access her email? Any company policies against personal emails, personal use of the computer.

I'd be looking at it very hard if it were me.

And Wowzers, I smell a rat. Why would she want to work for you if she were having an affair with your H? Do you think she is a total whack job? Is she trying to remain close to your H through you?

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Have you considered exposure?
If you told everyone in the office about the situation, they would likely shun her. It would make such an uncomfortable working situation that she would desperately want to leave.

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Check with your boss about firing her. If you live in an at-will employment state, and there is no employment contract, she can be fired for any reason.

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Lexxxy,
My employer has been very good to me during this time. I've taken more time off the last couple months than I ever have. They've even allowed me to take some work home so I'm not here as much. They have been trying to make other arrangements, like trying to move her to another position in another building, but they are afraid of a lawsuit.

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I'm close to quitting my job just to get away from her and the memories that working here brings, but that just isn't that great of a plan. How do I deal?!?!


With this being said, it looks like even if the OW left your co. you would still have bad memories with your work place.

Taking that in to account I think you need to start looking for a new job. Take your time and fine a good one. While you are looking maybe OW will leave first. Also have your H look for a job the has heathcare. If he finds a job like that then it would be easier for you to find any old job to get away.

I agree, OW sure has some F ing nerve to apply for that job.


M2L

ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06


Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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I've never thought about NC for me. I only talk business with her now.

Doesn't help a bit, does it? You can't ever recover when you are reminded every day of the affair.

Wow, you will just have to decide which is more important to you. I see you in an impossible situation that precludes you from ever healing from the affair.

Do all your coworkers know that she has had an affair with your H?

Nope, it doesn't help at all. And yes all my coworkers know about the affair. That makes it even harder to stay here. I feel judgement/sympathy/everything coming from everyone else. She really plays up things to her advantage also. She's in a terrible marraige and she really likes to play the victim card with everyone.

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WOWZER, have you pursued this issue with the director of HR to see if they can fire her? This situation would be considered an extremely hostile work environment that would leave them open to a law suit if not handled carefully. It may be in their best interests to buy her out to get rid of her.

If you frame it with HR to make sure he understands this: a predatory woman who was having an affair with my H applied for this job as a way to harm me. Tell him you suspect her motive was to STALK YOU. Now that you know about the affair, you have to come to work every day and work in an impossible environment. You can never forget about the affair and heal. You are raped all over again every day when you walk in the door. This impossible environment is effecting your performance and your mental health.

I would make a big deal of this and force their hand. You might want to also spread the word amongst the other employees that she is a ho. Women hate women like that.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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She really plays up things to her advantage also. She's in a terrible marraige and she really likes to play the victim card with everyone.

Did you expose to her husband?? ALL OW claim they are in "terrible" marriages.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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You can find a way if you need to. I once had someone who reported to me write me a nasty email which I forwarded to my boss. My boss said that if the email created an inability for me to effectively function on the job (relationship between me and that employee had become compromised) we would fire her. I decided she was worth too much to my office to let go, and worked things out with her.

Can you access her email? Any company policies against personal emails, personal use of the computer.

I'd be looking at it very hard if it were me.

And Wowzers, I smell a rat. Why would she want to work for you if she were having an affair with your H? Do you think she is a total whack job? Is she trying to remain close to your H through you?

I really don't want to be nasty about it. We live in a small town and this is something I don't want to get out. Firing her would just cause too many more problems. I have no idea why she would take a job with me. She has some huge issues (obviously) that she needs to take care of. I don't think she was trying to remain close to my WH but who knows what the ****** was going on in her head!

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Have you considered exposure?
If you told everyone in the office about the situation, they would likely shun her. It would make such an uncomfortable working situation that she would desperately want to leave.
They all know. It's been uncomfortable for her, but she's loving the sympathy of being the poor victim.

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