My WS moved back home about two weeks ago after a year long seperation. Things seemed to go well but were both feeling very guarded. He now wonders if he made the right choice in returning home. He still works with the woman he had an affair with, but is looking for another job. I don't know if he could be going through withdrawal or if it is normal to have these feelings in the beginning of recovery.

Ani,

Withdrawal and recovery will not happen until your H has no contact and the NC needs to last for LIFE.

He is seeing her at work and that is playing on his thoughts and feelings.

"He now wonders if he made the right choice in returning home"

This is normal for him and that is why NC is so important.

The faster he changes job the faster you can recover your M.

Best wishes to you

Thank you for your response. I was so happy when he decided to move back home because I had told him not to return until he was 100% committed to our reconciliation. Now after what I thought was a good beginning he tells me he wonders if we've just changed, or he's not sure anymore about moving home. He seems confused again. I'm not sure what to do. He has an appt with Steve scheduled so maybe that will help. He said if we weren't married he probably would be with her. Ouch! Two weeks ago he said he loved me and was optimistic about the move home. Now he doesn't? I've explained about not seeing OW and he just says he has to work there and until he can get another job. He also says that the affair ended and there is nothing more between them but a work relationship. Although he has stated that he does think of her as a friend.

Ani:

Yes. He will question the choice.

So make sure he knows he made the RIGHT choice.

Plan A your butt off!!!!

Your answer when he questions whether he made the right choice or not?

YES, he did.

Make sure you feel this way and that he isn't picking up vibes from you from the other direction.

Because, right now, it is on you to make this work. Not WH. He is going to have to do the withdrawal, and step into recovery. But, at the beginning, it's up to you...

Make sure he moves forward with the job change.

That will help alot.

LG

It's so hard to plan A now. I feel like he's trying to choose between the two of us. I think he's expecting some grand recovery right away and is discouraged that we might actually have to work at this. I think he feels if we were right for each other it would come easy.

What M2L & LG Said!

It is very normal.

Don't expect to even begin to see withdrawl until after NC is really started (No "accidentally" running into the OW at work).

Stay Strong!

Like LG said - plan A. Read about it in the info above.



Best thing that he could do. Steve always has a way to work with the WS.

When is the appt?



ALL WS say things like this. They all do. It is "fog" talk. They are not thinking clearly and they say what ever comes to their mind. Mostly crap like what your H said. Please just ignore it. I know it hurts to hear, but it is your WH saying it not the man you M.



Sure he says this, but what does he know? This will all change when he no longer sees her and that will take anywhere from 2 - 6 months of NC.

My wife had an EA for about a year and "ended" it with the OM the day I busted them. Well nothing got any better between us until she found a new job. She thought she could work with him and not have mixed feelings, but that didn't happen.

trust us

I understand, but it is important to continue. Stay Strong!



He is. And he will continue this until NC is extablished and he has gone through withdrawl!



Marriage is the hardest taske I have ever undertaken. I do not regret the work that it took to get to where I am today. It has been worth every effort I have put toward it. I believe that my wife and I love each other more now than when we were first wed over 22 years ago.



Of all the truly worthwhile things in life that you have undertaken: Which of them was actually easy?

I have been in Plan A for a year!!! Do I hold a record!!! I'm probably the nicest BS you'll ever meet. My frustration lies with his inability to see that working with her is a roadblock to our recovery. He doesn't see the connection between her and our being able to restore our feelings for each other. By the way, he just told her the other day that he moved back home. I'm wondering if that triggered this whole I'm not sure I did the right thing problem. I'm growing weary of being the one trying to fix this mess. When can he step up and start working on our marriage? Maybe I should just let them have each other and move on.

Ani,

Plan A is painstakingly difficult--but you can do it!

My husband did the same thing and it drove me crazy to the point that I felt like giving up. It's so hard when your pride feels like it's being stepped on. But in the long run, you are doing the most courageous thing by saving your marriage.

Chances are when he establishes true NC, he will snap out of it. But it really does take time, and you have to be drum up every ounce of strengh you've got in you.

Read my sig, Ani. Mine was the poster child of WS Back and Forth BS. He's back. He's committed. He's actually a way better husband that I ever had before.

Hang tough. You can do this.

How do it get him to understand the importance of NC? I can't make him do it. He's looking for another job but has not had any luck. OW is his boss so basically she can have him do whatever she wants. He can't really NC her because he reports to her and works on projects with her. Until he gets another job which could be months, I guess I'll just Plan A. What if he doesn't get any offers in the next few months? How long do I let this go on?

Ani...

Have you exposed this affair? If so, to whom have you exposed? Is the OW married? You do understand that exposure is part of Plan A, correct?

Where was your WH living for the year that you were separated? I do believe that as BobPure says, you've set the admission price back into your heart too low...I don't think that your WH should have been allowed to move back in while still working with OW...Let Steve Harley talk to him, but he will eventually have to realize that he can't work with OW or otherwise remain in contact with her and still remain married to you...that will NOT fly...

Mrs. W

Ani,

this is thr hardest thing most people will ever do. You can make it. It will be so worth it in the end.



He won't see this that is why we are telling you. I want you to know what is to come and what will happen if you do this or he does that. It will get much better after he gets a new job.

Is the OW M? If so have you told her H?



How do you know he told her? Liars can't be trusted at this point. Then again, if he did tell her then maybe she is playing nice and trying to "win" him back and that is why he feels so conflicted.



this is an easy answer - after NC is established. Period

I feel your taker wanting to be feed. You have lived a year like this and you didn't get much from him, but you gave to him all you could. HARD to do I know, but you can do it a little longer.

When Is the appt with Steve?




Ok - that is enough of this. You have been in Plan A a year, but only have 26 or so posts. Lets really put the MB team behind you and bust this A up. We can do this with you.

" OW is his boss so basically she can have him do whatever she wants. He can't really NC her because he reports to her and works on projects with her. "

This helps. You need to get in touch with their CO and tell them about this A. Don't tell your H you are going to so this, just do it. Ask them what they are going to do about it. You might add that part where your H feels like there is nothing he can do about b/c she is the boss.

I bet they split those two up ASAP.

You just might be the poster child of WS back and forth. Everyone's words are so encouraging. When I left the house this morning I cried all the way to work. I just thought I can't take another day of this BS! After being on this site I found the courage to hang in there. He hasn't exactly given up on our marriage, but is very confused.

Ani...Have you exposed this affair?

Mrs. W

I have exposed the affair to a few close friends and family members. Ow is married and H knows about the affair. He continues to live in another state and comes home on the weekends. Supposedly they are working on their marriage. According to H OW is in love with him. OW director in his company. I get the feeling the office knows about the affair although I have never told anyone there. OW H works at same company and they are probably both probably more worried about their careers than they are their marriage. I've spoken to him a few times he just says he'd be surprised if anything was still going on. I don't think he really cares whats going on.

Ani, my H still works in the same complex as the FOW...ours is probably one of the very few marriages that ever made it through recovery with continued contact.

My H became the FOW supervisor and he passed off all interactions with her. I really don't think you have much chance unless your H stops working closely with her.

Since your H told OW he had moved home, you know he is having personal conversations with her, NOT just business. Even though it seems good he told her, it indicates alone time with her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Who knows what else they are chatting about?

Conversation like that is what is making him question his decision to move home.

I don't want to discourage you, but contact makes this whole process so terribly much more difficult and unlikely and you need to prepare for his waffling and backsliding.

Pray for that new job and the the contact between them is shut down!!!!

WH rented a small house while we were separated. My H wanted to surprise me and moved back home. I had made a comment to him once that one day I wish he would come to the door and say baby I'm coming home. That's what he did. It didn't really give me the opportunity to set conditions on his coming home.

Ani, the moment you let him in the door, you made a choice not to set conditions. You probably were happy he did what you hoped, but you have to realize that you did have the opportunity.

Even if you went with the moment, later that day you could have set conditions.

You need to talk to HR about this. Ask them point blank "what are you going to do about my H and his boss having an A?" You do this by going to meet them and you leave the same question in writing. On this letter you have cc: your attorney.

You make them make the move on this work wise.

I asked my H to inform OW about him moving home. OW has the reputation of being very controlling. I did not think it would go over well and perhaps if she saw it as defeat she would move on and let us be.

Ani,

What I meant was, my FWH went back and forth MANY, MANY times, more than shown in my sig line, even. He did the same thing--"Baby, I'm home," after living in his own apartment for a few months. But it was a long and gruelling six months ahead of me, while he was at home, that he fluxuated in his moods, and his affections for me. It was the most painful experience I'd ever lived through. He was home, physically, but mentally and emotionally, he was somewhere else. Thank God, he was in IC, a good one who drummed into him that the affair was nothing but a sick fantasy. That six months was a living he77 for both me and my three kids.

He moved out, again, for three days. It was in that time that he finally realized what he was doing, and how stupid it was. I'm not trying to alarm you, but he may do this again. When they are fogged out, they don't think straight. They will do anything. And it will make you crazy if you let it.

Stay strong, but remember Plan A has a time cap on it. You don't do this forever. Remembering that will help you get through it. If he doesn't turn around, Plan B him. Almost guaranteed, that will bring him home.

Ani...

Expose this affair to HR immediately and ask them what they plan to do about it...I would include the part about your husband feeling trapped because OW is his superior...Companies do not like the idea of being subjected to sexual harrassment lawsuits...You do not warn your husband about exposure, you simply do it...Also, expose to ALL family members and friends...Do the exposure all at once so that it has maximum impact...Will you do this Ani?

Mrs. W

I went to my H office about two weeks ago and asked the secretary to page the OW to his office. The secretary knew me and I'm sure they wondered why I wanted to speak to her. She would not come- stated her bosses were with her and she was in a meeting. I am afraid of actually exposing the affair to his office. I am afraid he will get fired.

And if you don't you will be divorced...Which is the better option? If he gets fired it will be because of his actions, not yours...

Mrs. W

P.S. Courage is in the doing...

Ani...

He knew the risks when he decided to have an affair with a married co worker and it didn't stop him...He certainly wasn't worried about how it might affect his own career, why are you worried about it?

Mrs. W

Good Point. I was hoping not to have to expose to the office. Is there anyway of doing it without him knowing it was me?

"I am afraid of actually exposing the affair to his office. I am afraid he will get fired."


THAT WOULD BE GREAT. NC at work from now on. If you have your complaint in writing then you may have a lawsuit.

You count in this world and you need to stand up and be counted. Stand up for what you want and who you are.

BUST the A up now.

The sooner you do the sooner your life will get better.

I would want him to know it was me. What better way to show someone that you are fighting for your M? You will do what ever you have to, what ever it takes to save your H from himself.

That doesn't mean to tell him before you do it. You do it and let the chips fall where they may.

Ani...

You want him to know it was you...You are fighting the good fight here...All in an effort to save your marriage...Exposure is HEROIC and BRAVE...It takes GUTS and you should be proud of your efforts, they are NOBLE...

Of course he will be major PO'ed, but that is OKAY-He will get over it-happens all the time around here...Your marriage can survive his anger, but it cannot and will not survive an ongoing affair!

Mrs. W

P.S. Btw, as long as there is contact, the affair is still on!

My H hasn't had any luck on the job search now, I can only imagine what chances of employment he would have if he gets fired. We would lose our home.

I know if there is contact the affair is still going on. How long do I wait to see if he get out of the fog?

He won't come out of the fog until contact is cut off. It may burn out on its own in 6 months - 2 years from the reading I've done here... do you really want to wait on a "maybe"? Or do you want to take control of your situation?

Expose it, IMO.

JinGA

And if you don't and you get divorced, what will happen to your home? It gets sold and you will have to split up the proceeds anyway, right? Likely his job search thus far hasn't been as serious as it would be if he wasn't currently employed...Ani, let the consequences of his choices fall squarely on his shoulders where they belong...What are your other options at this point? To remain in a marriage where there is three? That is certainly your choice, it would not be what I would choose though...

Don't be his enabler, expose this affair!

Mrs. W

He is ADDICTED right now Ani...It is the same as if he were lying on the floor of a crack den...What would you do then? This calls for an intervention, aka EXPOSURE...Waiting this out may very likely result in a nervous breakdown for you...

And Ani, I'm not sure if you've paid attention to my signature line or not, but I am telling you all this from the POV of a Former Wayward Spouse...I'm not speaking from inexperience...

Mrs. W

I thought the fog was burning out when he decided to return home. The only way I can see him truely comitting to our marriage is if he really thinks he's going to lose me or he gets another job and we are able to rebuild. Back a few months ago a man was interested in me and he flipped! This is the man who left me and had an affair. Go figure!! To be honest with you all my H was more attentive to me after that than he'd been the whole year we were separated.

Okay, I didn't want to rain on your parade, but I have to tell you that I seriously question why he chose to move back in...Part of it probably is conflict over his feelings for you, but it is HIGHLY likely that moving back in with you suited him in some other self serving way...My guesses are that the house he was renting sold or the rent went up significantly...Something happened there you can bet...Waywards are the most selfish breed of creature Ani, so don't be surprised to find out something along those lines...

Exposure is the MOST powerful weapon that a BS has in their arsenal to bust up an affair...It is what you need to do...The big question is will you do it? Don't help them keep their dirty little secret Ani...Affairs thrive in secrecy and die in the light of day...

Mrs. W

I didn't notice. Thanks for pointing that out. So why hasn't he asked for a divorce yet? If he isn't happy with me why does he continue to keep me in the loop? Why doesn't he just say I have no more feelings for you and move on? Help me understand what he is going through. What if his feelings for her are real and true. Can I be fighting for a man who no longer loves me?

So, the controlling OW has bosses? That's good to know.

OTOH, why were you trying to see the OW?


The company may not respond at all, they may fire your husband, on the other hand they may hold her to a higher standard since your husband is her subordinate and fire *her*.

Do you know the name of the company owners/directors/bosses? If not, can you find out who they are?

I know it's scary. But if you peak out from under your fear a bit, you might see that the OW has possible vulnerabilities as well. And her job might just be her soft spot.

He is ADDICTED Ani...At times he probably does want to stop and can't figure out how...I can assure you that he is conflicted-conflict creates anxiety-he's an anxious addicted nutcase right now...Help him by exposing...The only cure for this addiction is NO CONTACT..."Feelings" change and cannot be trusted Ani...What matters is that he made the choice to be married to you, that supercedes all other choices...He loved you once, which means he absolutely, positively can love you again...NO QUESTION ABOUT IT...No contact has to be established for him to fall in love with you again...Expose the affair Ani...It is for you both...

Mrs. W

Her job is her life. She works long and crazy hours, travels a lot and has no children. Also, her husband really doesn't seem to be working too hard to get her back. This is probable her only soft spot.

That tells me that exposure is likely to have the desired effect Ani...I would bring her to her knees with it...

Mrs. W

Ani...

I would also find OW's parents and expose to them...Parents are GREAT exposure targets...You do this WITH workplace exposure...It's not an either/or thing...

Mrs. W

I think he thought if he got another job it would help him establish NC. We even dabbled with moving out of state. I felt like if he was that serious with her that he wouldn't even consider it.

Again, he probably is conflicted...BUT, do not rule out that he is telling you anything he can to to keep you at bay and continue with his addiction...

Mrs. W

Ani...

I don't doubt that he has moments of lucidity where he can see that he wants to be with you, but the addiction is VERY powerful...You can't afford to discount it...

Mrs. W

Ani,

Please listen to the people here - please. I know you don't know what to think, but we have seen this sitch many times.

I went back in my threads and found this. It is from 7-17-06 and it is where MrsW was helping me.

"M2L, you need to call OMW and make CERTAIN that she KNOWS about your wife's affair with her husband...That is your job...Your obligation...The OMW has a right to know, and it will provide insurance to your marriage of NC...Will you do this M2L?

Mrs. W"

She helped show me why exposure is so improtant.

I did tell the OMW in my case. We had lunch. long story short - my wife and I are happy again.

I went to speak to the OW because I knew it would scare the heck out of her. She acts like she's got it all together but she's afraid of me because I have the ability to ruin or disrupt her career at any given moment. What amazes me is she is still trying to get my husband. I bet she's sorry I found this website or I probably would have given up long time ago. I'm sure she would have liked me to kick him out long ago.

In regards to exposure at work, Ani, I would encourage you to unsheath that particular sword and expose her sexual activities with her employee to her employers. I would strongly suggest you move toward doing that soon and that you discuss it here so that others can help "gird you up" and prepare you for it.

As to thinking that you can determine anything about a WS based on what they will consider or say - you can't. It costs them nothing to let you think they are "considering" doing the right thing.

Infidels lie. They lie to their spouses, they like to their partner in adultery and they lie to themselves.

Their actions and behaviors will reveal the truth.

I'm about to say something that is meant in a nice arm around your shoulder kinda way.

Stop playing these games and kill this A. You live day to day with the thought that you could end her career and think that she will rue the day that found this site. Come on now.

We have listed the best tools / ways for you to help end this A. Now it is up to you.

***note - I'm yelling to you, not at you.***

Okay, I can understand you wanting to try and push her buttons. But, there are much more strategic ways of doing so, that provide more protection for you and can possibly increase the amount of damage you can inflict on the affair.

So, don't try to see or talk to the OW. I know that there's a certain sense of bravado and "I'll show her" that can temporarily lift your spirits. But, IMO, it is not the wisest way to proceed.

If you appeal to her, she sees you as weak.
If you threaten her, she sees you as frightened.
If you insult her, she sees you bleeding.

And in the off chance that your confrontation does manage to frighten her a bit, she will immediately make plans to render you and your efforts ineffective.

Showing up to her work without a real plan in hand, will give her just enough warning that she will manipulate her bosses to think you're a disgruntled nutcase. See how easy that would be for her to do?

So, don't warn her. Get a plan. Get prepared. Follow through.

Don't ever announce to your enemy that you're coming and what your plan is.

OK guys. You have all helped me gain the courage to expose to his employer. I will do it in the form of a letter as advised and cc it to my attorney. I am not looking forward to what is going to happen next. My only question is should I wait until after our appts with Steve to see if he was able to help with the situation first?

You're right graplin. I feel like I have no control over the situation. Since she is his boss she can assign him to travel with her whenever she wants. She knows she has the upper hand when it comes to that. My husband has stated that things could get really difficult if she found out he moved back home. I heard that she has the power to fire him at a moments notice. I also heard that if it came down to her or an employee that the company would back her and fire him. She generates too much revenue for the company to lose her. That is why I am concerned about my H job. The threat is very real when dealing with her.

How soon are your appointments with Steve?

Also, it sounds as if the company is large enough to have an employee manual or guideline book. Is that possible?

Appts are Monday. Company is a National Company. They have HR policies.

I would expose the affair to HR A.S.A.P. Steve understands exposure completely and can do his magic within that framework...

Mrs. W

Do they have their HR policies online? Is there any way to get a copy of their HR guidelines. I would try to do this because it will assist you in better targeting your exposure. If their guidelines address inappropriate work contact, then your exposure can specficially reference the guidelines being broken.

It isn't necessary and if it would cause a delay I would do without, but when it comes to dealing with corporate types, referencing their own specific rules often carries more weight than a more generalized letter. And it might provide the specific person/people and/or the "title" of the best person to contact. A generalized letter to a large HR department can get shuffled between desks losing valuable time if it's not as targeted.

Additionally, the letter should include the coercion that OW has been in a position to enact as well as the misuse of power that enables her to make sure her affair partner goes on trips with her, effectively cutting out those employees who may have better suited the purpose while leaving your WH with fear that he must do what she demands.

Just some thoughts.

This is 100% sexual harassment. Can you imagine how this would look if the boss was male and the employee was female? It's no different here. Contact the OW's superiors immediamente!
Mulan

Ani, I would suggest writing the exposure letter, naming names and dates to just give them enough evidence to demonstrate your credibility. State that his workplace adultery has broken up 2 marriages and devastated many people.

Send the letter CERTIFIED so someone has to sign for it and address it to the director of Human Resources, ccing a senior VP and both of their bosses. [all by name] That way, no one will be tempted to sweep the letter under the rug. I would not suggest that they take any action, rather, ask them this: "what do intend on doing about this?" That states an expectation of action without telling them what to do in accordance their own policy, which might cause resentment.

Be sure and say something about the potential of sexual harrassment because of the imbalance of power in the relationship.

One other thing, Ani. This is a woman who is not fit to wield power over the lives of others. She has clearly abused her power and needs to be removed. She is leaving this company vulnerable for sexual harassment lawsuits and they need to know so they can remove her.

Thanks all for the info it's been so helpful. By the way my H stated that if he weren't married to me that it is possible he would be with her. Is this fog talk? Two weeks ago he said he loved me and then moved back home. States he feels like most of the days he wants to be home then other days he doesn't know if it is the right thing to do. After hearing if he wasn't married to me he'd possible be with her makes me feel like he really does want to be with her and maybe doesn't really love me. Is this what fog talk is? Can they say things like that then turn around and say they can't imagine living without you????

Yes this is Fog talk. They say the dumbest things and they hurt, but only if you believe it. Try not to listen to this crap.

My wife told me: " M2L, I am in love with another man and you have to get used to it." OK SURE. All crap and not true.

It is easier for you to ignore this talk. It is HARD I know, but please try.

Keep working on you and your Plan A.

Have you started your work exposure?

Yup! As a matter of fact it is CLASSIC FOG BABBLE.

Pure, Unadulterated FOG BABBLE. Give it all the consideration it is due. NONE! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Is your letter ready yet Ani?

Are you ready to deal the killing blow to this affiar?

Stay Strong!

I'm ready. Just need to sit down and draft the letter. Using the HR policy and procedure manual as suggested. Is this worth all the trouble? I have no idea what he's telling her. Do they lie to the OW as well? Is he telling her that he can't imagine leaving me? That he loves me etc? Or do they only lie and treat the W like crap?

Good - don't stop now



Yes - very much so, but a lot of work will have to been done first.



Yup, they lie to everyone including themselves. Many times they tell the OP that their M is done and that the BS wants a D. They open their mouth - they lie.

MelodyLane

FYI-

OW broke up her current husbands marriage about 10 years ago. Exact same situation. She had an affair with him, he left his wife, and now she's after my husband. Sounds like a real classy woman.

I know they lie to everyone. I know that it is all fog talk, but is he lieing when he tells me he loves me and all the other good things that he's said like I think were going to make it? Do they lie about those things? Is he just playing me to just get me off his back? He's told me before that if he didn't love me that we would have been done long time ago.

Ani...

Just jumping in to back the others in saying that YES, it's all the fog talk of an addict...Kill the affair, establish NC and you will see a changed man...And yes, it's most definitely worth it...And waywards lie to EVERYONE...It's in the script...

Get crackin' on the letter...NOW...Ready, Aim, FIRE...

Mrs. W

P.S. And yes, what a true class act OW is...NOT!!!

Ani...

He married you...You are his God chosen partner...Really it's best to ignore his words right now...Just concentrate on busting up this affair...

Mrs. W

Trying to decipher the words of a wayward is crazy making...and pretty pointless...Imagine him as a crack addict, it is the same principle...

Mrs. W

Nice to have the support from all you. This is an amazing website. Everyone keeps telling me to establish NC. My H has to do that. Do I just keep supporting him in finding another job? Do I tell him if NC then I implement Plan B. I know he won't NC until he has another job, he can't he reports to her. He states business only though. What next after the letter?

Send the letter Ani, and let exposure work it's magic...You don't tell him about the plans here at all...Don't tell him about MB at all...DO NOT BRING HIM HERE...This is YOUR safe place where you will be establishing your battle plans...He needn't know any of this...You Plan A right up until you Plan B, and remember that Plan A includes exposure and you never do Plan B until you've done a COMPLETE Plan A...

When are you sending the letter?

Mrs. W

Well, first I think you need to prepare yourself for the probably fallout of the exposure.

OW isn't going to like it.
WH isn't going to like it.

They are both going to be furious - even if there is no negative response from the company. Of course, we don't care about OW's fury.

But, you need to prepare yourself for your husband's possible response so that you aren't caught by surprise.

He may tell you that you just destroyed any chance for your marriage. That you've destroyed his career. That you've destroyed his life. That he can never forgive you. That things will never be the same.

Just about every BS here who exposed heard all that and more. And many of their marriage were saved.

We just need to make sure that you don't go all wobbly when he's in your face screaming it.

Maybe we could put together some suggested responses to the verbal volley you are almost sure to get.

My first suggestion would be to calmly repeat, "I am fighting for our marriage."

Repeated a million times if necessary. But not once do you collapse in an emotional heap wailing "I'm sorry!" So, maybe we can help get you butched up for the upcoming battle.

You can say

"I understand your anger, but there is no room in our marriage for three people"

When he yells, you whisper...Remain calm...

Mrs. W

He already knows about MB. I bought the book about surviving an affair. We both have a copy and read and discuss it. He knows how affairs are started, how they should end etc. He has an appt with Steve on Monday, so do I. First time he actually accepted my advice on talking to him. I'm happy that he will at least call him.

I'm working on the letter this weekend. I need it to be perfect.

I will remember to stay calm. I will remember the words you guys tell me to say.

Has he visited the website/forums? Does he know that you are posting here and under what name? Please tell me no...

Mrs. W

No. He knows ther is a website but I don't think he's ever been on it. I doubt he would ever bother to even look it up. Not sure if he knows the exact name.

Okay...good...still, it might not be a bad idea to change the title of your thread just in case...Also, make sure you clear the history on your computer everyday...

And the letter doesn't have to be "perfect"...Don't over pressure yourself...You can of course post it here first, but that often ends up with too many folks critiquing it to death...Your call...Just "git 'er done"...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

Thanks for the info.

You are welcome Ani...We are here for ya...I'm very sorry that you are going through this...

(((Ani)))

Mrs. W

" He has an appt with Steve on Monday, so do I."

Let us know how it went with Steve.

Ani - you there???


How did it go with Steve???

Thinking of you Ani...

Mrs. W

Hi All!!!

WH had appt with Steve, as did I. It seemed to go well. He advised me not to disclose to the office just yet. WH still seems to be guarded. Some days are good then seems like we take two steps back. Do I just Plan A the heck out of him even though I know he's questioning his decision? It's pretty hard because I feel like I want a full committment from him and our future. Too much too soon? I know you guys said he can't be in withdrawal because he still sees and works with OW. If it's not withdrawal what is he going through? What should be my next step?

I wanted to add that WH still doesn't seem overly interested in going to couseling, working on our marriage by opening up and communicating. Should I expect that for a while? Should I stop asking for those things and just enjoy our time together? I'm afraid if we don't address the problems that we will just ignore them again. Am I asking too much right now?

Your WH is in the state of conflict. This is way better than being withdrawn.

Yes you Plan A the heck out of him.Hard to do when your not getting any of your EN met right now. This (Plan A) is still a must though. Don't be a door mat, but still be fun, nice and loving.

The things you are asking for are too soon. They will all come with time, but first the A must be broken up.

Bottom line - you show him thru actions that you are the only choice and that he would be NUTS not to want to spend the rest of his life with you.

Others will be along and word it much better than I have. MrsW is very good with words.

hang in there

Thanks for the reply. I was hoping you were out there!! Is a state of conflict better than withdrawal. Does it mean he might be coming to terms with this whole affair? Or would we be better if he were in withdrawal and having NC. He seems to be a bit depressed because he thought the homecoming was going to be different. How do I explain that this is normal or do I just Plan A it and let him figure it out on his own. Is his moving home a positive sign that he might be emotionally moving away from her?

Hi Ani,

You just talked to Steve a few days ago. What did he say to you or tell you to do? Have you asked Steve these questions?

I'll look up the section on conflict and such, but I don't want to go against what Steve may have set up with you.

I'm soooo confused. I just read where you said conflict is better than withdrawal. I guess I would assume that withdrawal would be better because that would mean he established NC and would be mourning their relationship. If he is in conflict then I assume he is coflicted about his feelings for me and for her. ( Which one should I choose.)That means he still doesn't know what he wants.

Ok - I see where it does sound confusing. Here is what you do, go to the top of this page where it says "Basic Concepts" click on it and then on the left side about halfway down it will say "Three states of Mind in Marriage". This will show you the the states of:
Intimacy
Conflict
Withdrawal


In this case withdrawal is not about your WH feels being in NC with the OW, but withdrawal would be from you and your M.

Your WH is in conflict as he wants you and has these feelings about the OW. Thus conflict.

I know I'm not clear here so please read the article I pointed out.

Where the heck are the other members today???

I understand now. I've read about the stages before but will do again to refresh my memory. You are a blessing I just want you to know that.

Per Steve I am to continue no love busters. He would like to speak to both of us on the next appt. Said that it is completely normal what he is doing. Did state however that he can't expect to just show up and have the relationship restored. He did not think that I should expose just yet.

Just an update on my situation. Things seem to be the same. Husband still home but seems to back away when I try to get close. Occasionally he seems to let down his guard and things feel really good. He still hasn't found another job yet so he isn't feeling the the greatest right now. He seems to be taking an interest in the house. He neglected it for a very long time. He seems to have pride in it again. Is the tension/distance I feel from him at times because of his own guilt? Is he afraid to get close to me, or is he ashamed or is it just that he doesn't want to be with me and misses her? i thought things would be easier when he returned home but it still is very difficult. I put on a happy face and try to be supportive but I'm losing hope. How long will this go on?

i think that's good news about seemingly taking pride in the house. often times the wayward spouse doesn't just start loving us, but something draws them back home - kids, finances, etc. your case, the house coud represent something important to him. maybe you could try to plan projects together such as painting a room, etc to spend more time together and increase that bond.

when you start losing hope ani, your husband will feel it. he needs you to be strong. my wife needed me to be strong, and i blew it. it's not easy work, but it's worth it. there's still potential to have an even better marriage than before.

Ashes-

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I guess I thought when he finally decided to move back home that we would be all happy and in love. I think thats what he thought too. I think I'm just discouraged because I'm so ready to put this all behind us. Is it a good sign that he moved home after being gone a year. I'm almost afraid of being hopeful for fear that he will leave again. I'm afraid and I always feel like doomsday is just around the corner.

i know what you mean about living in fear. consider coming to these forums to vent instead of venting unhealthily to your husband if you are tempted. it's also really good that you are so ready to put this all behind. i think it's a good sign whenever a spouse returns home. seperation is not good for marriages. just try to meet his emotional needs as best as you can. it takes time for our love banks to hit romantic love, so don't get discouraged and keep at it. it can't happen overnight. good luck ani, you can do it!

Just need to vent. My spouse still seems distant I know that it takes time to build our love banks but I'm beginning to wonder if he is just going through the motions. It hurts when he doesn't offer I love you's and such. Is it because he doesn't know if he loves me or that he just has so much going on with his own feelings he doesn't have time for mine. It's been a little over a month since he moved back home. Am I expecting too much to soon? Should I just stay on course, no lovebusters, no relationship talk, just light and fun. I feel like it's difficult to talk about future plans confortably. He seems as though I'm encrouching on his life. What's going through his mind when that happens?

i don't think a month is too short. also he still sees her at work so he's not untangled completely from her yet. have you read dr harley's surviving an affair? i think it will help you understand better what is going thru his mind. once you understand, you may not be so scared and worried. this takes time - keep it up. i know it's real painful not to hear the i love yous, but you've got to believe they'll be there again someday. please read the book if you haven't yet.

Hi Ashes!

Good to hear from you. I've probably memorized Surviving an Affair. I purchased it right after I found out. I know seeing her isn't helping. The summer job search is slow. He seems to get annoyed with me when I ask him how the search is going. Almost like I'm nagging him. I'm just trying to find out if he has any prospects. Should I not ask about the job search? I feel like he will take his time
in searching if I don't ask. Also, the week before he moved home we were talking about relocating to another state. Nothing real serious but "it would be nice to live in this state" etc. He said of course that we would move together as a family. So is asking him anything about the future a no no right now and why does it seem to bother him when talking about the future. Could he be afraid to move out of state because he's not if we'll make it yet? Or does he not want to move so far away from her? Last question, He seems to go from being content/happy to somewhat distant. What's up with that?

Hi all MB. I'm feeling a bit hopeless today. Could use some support/wisdom. Getting tired of being the one doing all the work to keep this marriage alive. Tired of the rollercoaster. One day great, next day cold kiss. How long will this go on? Should I ask spouse to leave until he can secure another job and get away from OW. He doesn't understand how difficult it is for me knowing that he has to have contact with her for professional reasons. How do I know he even told her he moved home? Should I try and find out? Would a WS move home to protect his job and OW's? Or can I assume that didn't happen. Any words of encouragement would be great right now.

If you've memorized SAA you should know that you need t/b patient and NOT do all the work. Please read His Needs/Her Needs (Harley).

L.

This is an update. WS finally got another job and will starting it on Monday. He still seems guarded after moving home. It makes me feel so insecure. How long will it take for him to come around and be more open? Should I try to talk about the affair or just keep things light? I feel like we just totally avoid the subject. I know he is ashamed of what he did but it would be nice if we were able to talk about it and learn from it. Too soon?