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Joined: Jul 2005
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Okay...good...still, it might not be a bad idea to change the title of your thread just in case...Also, make sure you clear the history on your computer everyday...

And the letter doesn't have to be "perfect"...Don't over pressure yourself...You can of course post it here first, but that often ends up with too many folks critiquing it to death...Your call...Just "git 'er done"...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Thanks for the info.

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You are welcome Ani...We are here for ya...I'm very sorry that you are going through this...

(((Ani)))

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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" He has an appt with Steve on Monday, so do I."

Let us know how it went with Steve.


M2L

ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06


Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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Ani - you there???


How did it go with Steve???


M2L

ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06


Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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Thinking of you Ani...

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Hi All!!!

WH had appt with Steve, as did I. It seemed to go well. He advised me not to disclose to the office just yet. WH still seems to be guarded. Some days are good then seems like we take two steps back. Do I just Plan A the heck out of him even though I know he's questioning his decision? It's pretty hard because I feel like I want a full committment from him and our future. Too much too soon? I know you guys said he can't be in withdrawal because he still sees and works with OW. If it's not withdrawal what is he going through? What should be my next step?

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I wanted to add that WH still doesn't seem overly interested in going to couseling, working on our marriage by opening up and communicating. Should I expect that for a while? Should I stop asking for those things and just enjoy our time together? I'm afraid if we don't address the problems that we will just ignore them again. Am I asking too much right now?

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Your WH is in the state of conflict. This is way better than being withdrawn.

Yes you Plan A the heck out of him.Hard to do when your not getting any of your EN met right now. This (Plan A) is still a must though. Don't be a door mat, but still be fun, nice and loving.

The things you are asking for are too soon. They will all come with time, but first the A must be broken up.

Bottom line - you show him thru actions that you are the only choice and that he would be NUTS not to want to spend the rest of his life with you.

Others will be along and word it much better than I have. MrsW is very good with words.

hang in there

Last edited by Maybe2late; 07/19/07 10:44 AM.

M2L

ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06


Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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Thanks for the reply. I was hoping you were out there!! Is a state of conflict better than withdrawal. Does it mean he might be coming to terms with this whole affair? Or would we be better if he were in withdrawal and having NC. He seems to be a bit depressed because he thought the homecoming was going to be different. How do I explain that this is normal or do I just Plan A it and let him figure it out on his own. Is his moving home a positive sign that he might be emotionally moving away from her?

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Hi Ani,

You just talked to Steve a few days ago. What did he say to you or tell you to do? Have you asked Steve these questions?

I'll look up the section on conflict and such, but I don't want to go against what Steve may have set up with you.


M2L

ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06


Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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I'm soooo confused. I just read where you said conflict is better than withdrawal. I guess I would assume that withdrawal would be better because that would mean he established NC and would be mourning their relationship. If he is in conflict then I assume he is coflicted about his feelings for me and for her. ( Which one should I choose.)That means he still doesn't know what he wants.

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Ok - I see where it does sound confusing. Here is what you do, go to the top of this page where it says "Basic Concepts" click on it and then on the left side about halfway down it will say "Three states of Mind in Marriage". This will show you the the states of:
Intimacy
Conflict
Withdrawal


In this case withdrawal is not about your WH feels being in NC with the OW, but withdrawal would be from you and your M.

Your WH is in conflict as he wants you and has these feelings about the OW. Thus conflict.

I know I'm not clear here so please read the article I pointed out.

Where the heck are the other members today???


M2L

ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06


Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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I understand now. I've read about the stages before but will do again to refresh my memory. You are a blessing I just want you to know that.

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Per Steve I am to continue no love busters. He would like to speak to both of us on the next appt. Said that it is completely normal what he is doing. Did state however that he can't expect to just show up and have the relationship restored. He did not think that I should expose just yet.

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Just an update on my situation. Things seem to be the same. Husband still home but seems to back away when I try to get close. Occasionally he seems to let down his guard and things feel really good. He still hasn't found another job yet so he isn't feeling the the greatest right now. He seems to be taking an interest in the house. He neglected it for a very long time. He seems to have pride in it again. Is the tension/distance I feel from him at times because of his own guilt? Is he afraid to get close to me, or is he ashamed or is it just that he doesn't want to be with me and misses her? i thought things would be easier when he returned home but it still is very difficult. I put on a happy face and try to be supportive but I'm losing hope. How long will this go on?

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i think that's good news about seemingly taking pride in the house. often times the wayward spouse doesn't just start loving us, but something draws them back home - kids, finances, etc. your case, the house coud represent something important to him. maybe you could try to plan projects together such as painting a room, etc to spend more time together and increase that bond.

when you start losing hope ani, your husband will feel it. he needs you to be strong. my wife needed me to be strong, and i blew it. it's not easy work, but it's worth it. there's still potential to have an even better marriage than before.

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Ashes-

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I guess I thought when he finally decided to move back home that we would be all happy and in love. I think thats what he thought too. I think I'm just discouraged because I'm so ready to put this all behind us. Is it a good sign that he moved home after being gone a year. I'm almost afraid of being hopeful for fear that he will leave again. I'm afraid and I always feel like doomsday is just around the corner.

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i know what you mean about living in fear. consider coming to these forums to vent instead of venting unhealthily to your husband if you are tempted. it's also really good that you are so ready to put this all behind. i think it's a good sign whenever a spouse returns home. seperation is not good for marriages. just try to meet his emotional needs as best as you can. it takes time for our love banks to hit romantic love, so don't get discouraged and keep at it. it can't happen overnight. good luck ani, you can do it!

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Just need to vent. My spouse still seems distant I know that it takes time to build our love banks but I'm beginning to wonder if he is just going through the motions. It hurts when he doesn't offer I love you's and such. Is it because he doesn't know if he loves me or that he just has so much going on with his own feelings he doesn't have time for mine. It's been a little over a month since he moved back home. Am I expecting too much to soon? Should I just stay on course, no lovebusters, no relationship talk, just light and fun. I feel like it's difficult to talk about future plans confortably. He seems as though I'm encrouching on his life. What's going through his mind when that happens?

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