You need to talk to HR about this. Ask them point blank "what are you going to do about my H and his boss having an A?" You do this by going to meet them and you leave the same question in writing. On this letter you have cc: your attorney.

You make them make the move on this work wise.

I asked my H to inform OW about him moving home. OW has the reputation of being very controlling. I did not think it would go over well and perhaps if she saw it as defeat she would move on and let us be.

Ani,

What I meant was, my FWH went back and forth MANY, MANY times, more than shown in my sig line, even. He did the same thing--"Baby, I'm home," after living in his own apartment for a few months. But it was a long and gruelling six months ahead of me, while he was at home, that he fluxuated in his moods, and his affections for me. It was the most painful experience I'd ever lived through. He was home, physically, but mentally and emotionally, he was somewhere else. Thank God, he was in IC, a good one who drummed into him that the affair was nothing but a sick fantasy. That six months was a living he77 for both me and my three kids.

He moved out, again, for three days. It was in that time that he finally realized what he was doing, and how stupid it was. I'm not trying to alarm you, but he may do this again. When they are fogged out, they don't think straight. They will do anything. And it will make you crazy if you let it.

Stay strong, but remember Plan A has a time cap on it. You don't do this forever. Remembering that will help you get through it. If he doesn't turn around, Plan B him. Almost guaranteed, that will bring him home.

Ani...

Expose this affair to HR immediately and ask them what they plan to do about it...I would include the part about your husband feeling trapped because OW is his superior...Companies do not like the idea of being subjected to sexual harrassment lawsuits...You do not warn your husband about exposure, you simply do it...Also, expose to ALL family members and friends...Do the exposure all at once so that it has maximum impact...Will you do this Ani?

Mrs. W

I went to my H office about two weeks ago and asked the secretary to page the OW to his office. The secretary knew me and I'm sure they wondered why I wanted to speak to her. She would not come- stated her bosses were with her and she was in a meeting. I am afraid of actually exposing the affair to his office. I am afraid he will get fired.

And if you don't you will be divorced...Which is the better option? If he gets fired it will be because of his actions, not yours...

Mrs. W

P.S. Courage is in the doing...

Ani...

He knew the risks when he decided to have an affair with a married co worker and it didn't stop him...He certainly wasn't worried about how it might affect his own career, why are you worried about it?

Mrs. W

Good Point. I was hoping not to have to expose to the office. Is there anyway of doing it without him knowing it was me?

"I am afraid of actually exposing the affair to his office. I am afraid he will get fired."


THAT WOULD BE GREAT. NC at work from now on. If you have your complaint in writing then you may have a lawsuit.

You count in this world and you need to stand up and be counted. Stand up for what you want and who you are.

BUST the A up now.

The sooner you do the sooner your life will get better.

I would want him to know it was me. What better way to show someone that you are fighting for your M? You will do what ever you have to, what ever it takes to save your H from himself.

That doesn't mean to tell him before you do it. You do it and let the chips fall where they may.

Ani...

You want him to know it was you...You are fighting the good fight here...All in an effort to save your marriage...Exposure is HEROIC and BRAVE...It takes GUTS and you should be proud of your efforts, they are NOBLE...

Of course he will be major PO'ed, but that is OKAY-He will get over it-happens all the time around here...Your marriage can survive his anger, but it cannot and will not survive an ongoing affair!

Mrs. W

P.S. Btw, as long as there is contact, the affair is still on!

My H hasn't had any luck on the job search now, I can only imagine what chances of employment he would have if he gets fired. We would lose our home.

I know if there is contact the affair is still going on. How long do I wait to see if he get out of the fog?

He won't come out of the fog until contact is cut off. It may burn out on its own in 6 months - 2 years from the reading I've done here... do you really want to wait on a "maybe"? Or do you want to take control of your situation?

Expose it, IMO.

JinGA

And if you don't and you get divorced, what will happen to your home? It gets sold and you will have to split up the proceeds anyway, right? Likely his job search thus far hasn't been as serious as it would be if he wasn't currently employed...Ani, let the consequences of his choices fall squarely on his shoulders where they belong...What are your other options at this point? To remain in a marriage where there is three? That is certainly your choice, it would not be what I would choose though...

Don't be his enabler, expose this affair!

Mrs. W

He is ADDICTED right now Ani...It is the same as if he were lying on the floor of a crack den...What would you do then? This calls for an intervention, aka EXPOSURE...Waiting this out may very likely result in a nervous breakdown for you...

And Ani, I'm not sure if you've paid attention to my signature line or not, but I am telling you all this from the POV of a Former Wayward Spouse...I'm not speaking from inexperience...

Mrs. W

I thought the fog was burning out when he decided to return home. The only way I can see him truely comitting to our marriage is if he really thinks he's going to lose me or he gets another job and we are able to rebuild. Back a few months ago a man was interested in me and he flipped! This is the man who left me and had an affair. Go figure!! To be honest with you all my H was more attentive to me after that than he'd been the whole year we were separated.

Okay, I didn't want to rain on your parade, but I have to tell you that I seriously question why he chose to move back in...Part of it probably is conflict over his feelings for you, but it is HIGHLY likely that moving back in with you suited him in some other self serving way...My guesses are that the house he was renting sold or the rent went up significantly...Something happened there you can bet...Waywards are the most selfish breed of creature Ani, so don't be surprised to find out something along those lines...

Exposure is the MOST powerful weapon that a BS has in their arsenal to bust up an affair...It is what you need to do...The big question is will you do it? Don't help them keep their dirty little secret Ani...Affairs thrive in secrecy and die in the light of day...

Mrs. W

I didn't notice. Thanks for pointing that out. So why hasn't he asked for a divorce yet? If he isn't happy with me why does he continue to keep me in the loop? Why doesn't he just say I have no more feelings for you and move on? Help me understand what he is going through. What if his feelings for her are real and true. Can I be fighting for a man who no longer loves me?

So, the controlling OW has bosses? That's good to know.

OTOH, why were you trying to see the OW?


The company may not respond at all, they may fire your husband, on the other hand they may hold her to a higher standard since your husband is her subordinate and fire *her*.

Do you know the name of the company owners/directors/bosses? If not, can you find out who they are?

I know it's scary. But if you peak out from under your fear a bit, you might see that the OW has possible vulnerabilities as well. And her job might just be her soft spot.