I received this a few days ago. The first contact I've had from her in 2 years. don't know what she means by my 'calls'. I only ever made one call to her mobile to see if she was still in the UK (she secretly moved out to Australia to continue her relationship with my X - and then left last year in May after only 5 months) - and I just hung up. didn't want to speak with her.


aNewName,

This is an email I should have written a long time ago, and in honesty is one I drafted last year when I first got back to the UK, but never sent.

I don't know how or where to start to apologise to you, and there are so many apologies to make. I want you to know that despite how it may seem, there was never any intentional malice to any of my actions, I was just too blind and selfish at that time to see what I was doing or to stop myself from doing it. I don't want to go into a massive long email into the depths of it all, I think there is too much water under the bridge for that and I have let too much time pass.

I didn't respond to your email or calls initially for what I thought at the time to be respect for (XH's) wishes, to not make things more difficult for him, but I see now that it was actually due to my shame and guilt and cowardness. And you deserved some answers from me and I am sorry that I cowered away from that.

What we did was wrong and I am sorry. I know and appreciate that all of this is probably all too little too late, but since being back, through my repentance and prayer, God has urged me to make contact with you to say sorry. I wasn't walking with the Lord during that time aNewName, and I turned my back on any guidance or word that I was getting from Him so I could get what I wanted. All I saw was (XH) - I didn't consider or think about anything else and I switched myself off to your existence. I wouldn't listen to anyone or anything and I fell to Satan's temptation, and I was weak.

I am sorry for what we put you through, for the hurt, the anger and every other emotion you must have felt. I am sorry that our weakness broke up your family and I am sorry also to (daughter) for everything. I don't know how else to convey how sorry I am and how much I have repented for this and if I could take it al back, I would in a heartbeat. I couldn't contact you and say this whilst I was still in that relationship as it wouldn't have been genuine and would have been hypocritical. But as God does, He broke through, and opened my eyes to what I had done and what I was continuing to do, and He guided me home and out of Satan's grasp.

I repent every second of every day for what me and (XH) did, and I pray for Him to also do the same and seek God's forgiveness. I pray for you and (daughter), for the healing of your hearts, for the forgiveness of those that have wronged you, and for happiness and joy. I still have a lot of work to do with God on this, but I hope that my words offer you something that you probably needed or wanted a long time ago, and I apologise for how long this has taken me to write and wish I never had to write it, that I had been strong enough to say no in the first place.

I hope it isn't too late for me to say sorry. I am sorry, aNewName.



Any thoughts?
Edited to add: I was initially LucyLoo for anyone who wants to know!

Yep. Ignore it.

Actually

this is one of the better apology letters I've read here ...

very contrite
taking responsibility
no excuses

good for her

Hi aNN,

I'm sorry that I'm not more familiar with your situation.

It sounds like a "nice" letter from the OW, but since I don't know where you are with regards to how the A ended, I would tend to say for now, that the best course of action for you would be to just ignore this and NOT reply to her.

For me, if I received a similar letter from one of Mrs. RIF's OM, I would most likely just throw the letter away. I have gotten to a place in our rebuilding where I am WILLING to forgive the OM if they sincerely asked for forgiveness, but I am NOT willing to correspond or reply to a letter such as this as it would only open up communications with the OM and that is the LAST thing in the world that I would ever want to do.

The cynical part of me would also suspect that the OM might have an another 'reason' for contact or that they were just trying to ease their guilt.

Semper Fi,

RIF

RIF - exactly. I wouldn't be falling over myself responding. Talk is cheap.

I'm a little torn on what to think. IMO, it sounds very dramatic.

I agree with the other that it is best to just ignore it.

LC

Its a good letter and I give her alot of credit for courage. This is how true recovery LOOKS.

I may be mistaken, but I did not see where OW asked for a reply

no reply required

I would appreciate such a letter although I agree you don't need to reply.

And if I added that XH and OW are still 'friends' on facebook?

There is always intentional malice when you assult the marriage and family of another person.

Hi aNN - Based on your comment here... My take on such a letter as this would be that the OW is only trying to ease her guilt.

If she were TRULY sorry, then she would end ALL contact with your xH regardless of whether you two are married or not. Her 'friendship' with your xH shows me that she still does NOT understand the dept of pain and anguish that she caused you and your family.

Ignor her e-mail and don't reply.

Semper Fi,

RIF

ta da

ANN,

What RIF said. What Mr. Kahuna said.

The myspace thing pretty much negates everything. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

The fog is still as thick as peasoup, ignore and move forward, ow's apology means nada, just another violation of you. Block that email addy.

However, how are you doing in YOUR personal recovery? You know you are WORTHY!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

aNN...What does it mean to still be "friends" on facebook? Is it that OW just still appears as one of XH's friends, or can you see that they are still chatting? Could it be that he just hasn't removed her as one of his friends on his page?

The letter certainly sounds sincere to me...I agree with others that it requires no response from you...

Mrs. W

Thank you all for your responses. I enjoyed a nice afternoon with friends so am only able to respond now.

At first I was so pleased to get it. I thought - thank God. Then I started to feel emotions I haven't had to deal with in a while - anger being the main one. A few things made me angry. One that she alluded to the fact that SHE left the relationship (where as my X said HE told her to go back home). The other thing was her saying she prays that XH will repent and seek God's forgiveness - suggesting that she still knows, after 2 years, that he isn't sorry.

The interesting thing she pointed out was that a 'sorry' wouldn't have been genuine if she'd made it whilst still in a relationship with him. And it made me realise that every time XH told me how sorry he was - he was still in the affair. I feel angry that despite the fact it's been over between them (whatever that means) for about 7 months he still hasn't really seeked my forgiveness or extended any real understanding of the ****** he put me through.

And then there is the facebook issue. Mrs W - it could be that the both of them siimply haven't taken each other off, however faceook is a daily log on for most people. There doensn't appear to be any messages from her on his 'wall' for people to see, but the fact they are still 'friends' means that they have full access to each others photo's, messages etc etc. I would assume it was more likely that God was 'urging' her to stop ALL contact with my X before he'd be urging her to tell me she was sorry. Would anyone agree? If there is still any form of contact, doesn't that make her apology still a little hypocritical? (What RIF said was pretty spot on to how I feel)

Maybe I've just been thinking about all this too long. In some ways I wonder if I'd rather I never heard from her for the pain and anger it's brought up in me.

I really do want to do the right thing as far as replying or not. My family think I should reply. Even just to say 'thank you'. I don't mean to sound like a self-righteous prat, but I don't believe I have a choice when it comes to forgiveness. I believe I must forgive whether it is asked for or not.

reply in prayer

"God, touch every sinner with your grace & love."

Tell your family you already replied in your own fashion.

Fifty grand would make a nice start of an apology.

wow, I don't know how I would react if I got one of them. Hopefully I can stay calm like you!

BTW, I've been trying to get a hold of you aNewName!

Do you have an e-mail address?

aNN,

I think the apology is sincere.

It's unfortunate that she doesn't yet understand that the action of severing ties with your ex would go much further to show her true repentance and remorse.

She probably is of the belief that they can "remain friends". This is, as we here at MB know, not really the case. This so-called friendship was a destructive entity.

My thoughts in terms of your return communications:

Her take on a lack of response might be that you are still angry and unable to accept a "simple, gracious, heart-felt apology", and it will be communicated to others that you are still bitter, or perhaps unforgiving.

I would likely offer a very short, simple reply. "Thank you for the apology."

You need not state whether or not it was accepted. Beyond that, it is up to her to interpret it's acceptance - the fact you acknowlege it got to your email inbox is enough, and that you read it, well, I don't think much more is needed to be conveyed to her. It keeps "the other side" assuaged from speaking to others anything about you, because your reply is then completely neutral, civil, and polite. Nothing more offered.


I personally would reply, just to protect myself from possible fallout of failure to acknowlege. That's it.

Schoolbus

My1stLove! I'm so sorry. I had no idea. Try:
newaname@yahoo.com

I only get on here periodically so that's why I missed your tag (just found it).

We had the most fabulous sermon in church today. I can't help but feel I have the chance to speak some life into OW. Ultimately more than anything, I'd love to see her change her life completely. I agree with Schoolbus that no response would imply I'm bitter and angry. I've worked so hard over the last 2 years to not let those things stay in my heart. Now of course I don't want anymore communication with her - but I feel I have an opportunity to show her the true meaning of 'loving our enemies'. ??

Hi aNN,

I'm assuming that you and your xH are divorced... if that is in fact the case, then I think it would be appropriate for you to show her your forgiveness...

My earlier comment was based on the fact of you and your H being M... In that case, I wouldn't want to do ANYTHING that opened up any form of communication with a former A partner...

I'm glad that you've gotten to a point where you CAN forgive this OW.

Semper Fi,

RIF

RIF, I'm not familiar with your story but I've seen your posts...often on the 'night shift'!

Always wanted to thank you for your service to your country.

We are divorced.

The short of it is that the affair started when our first (and only) child was 6 months old. We then moved to my country - him following us after 3 months (said he had to finish the year off at work). Little did I know! After 2 days of arriving out here I knew something was terribly wrong. Found at about the affair and he left on a plane to go back to his country (and her) that very night. He stayed there with OW for 5 months then moved again out here (to be near daughter). Did absolutely nothing to fix things. 7 months later OW secretly immigrates out here too. 18 months after D-day I decide to get on with my life and file for divorce. 3 weeks later she's on a plane going back home to UK.

I have a very amicable relationship with X now - though I don't think he's still very sorry for anything. Started talking about us buying a house together etc etc - so there's some indication he has regrets but that's about it. I'm pretty sure he's single - lives about 20 mins away and see's his daughter every weekend.

Me - still recovering. About to start Divorce Care. Maybe that'll help!

Hi aNN!

It's good to meet a fellow "Night-Shift" member!

Mrs. RIF had multiple (9 to be exact) A's during our first three years of M. I found out about one of them and suspected a second one. I didn't learn about the other 7 until 10 years later...

We went through counseling through our church and through MC. I found MB in the spring of 2002 and started applying the principals, and that's when our rebuilding really took off.

We are fully "recovered" and we continue to rebuild our M each and every day.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Hi ANewName,

I read the letter and while it does seem more sincere than most, it was something she needed to say. Your forgiveness is not her requirement to move forward. Her apology was but not your forgiveness.

However, the choice to forgive is yours and no one can guilt you into doing so. So whether you chose to communicate with her or not, does not make you a better or worse person. She owed it to you not the other way around.

I am not telling to be anti-forgiving, just wanted to share another POV. Also not to let you feel guilted in to responding to her.

Remember she may be able to send you that e-mail but she still may be healing and not able to carry one a discussion about the lesson she learned.

Even if your words are correct, hearing them from you (as the BS), may not have the same effect. Xows still may carry a stigma against the BS even though they try to bury it.

Glad you were able to get a civil apology. The one I got was so full of self-justification, it wasn't worth the e-mail it was sent on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

JMHO,
L.

True.

And she never did ask for my forgiveness. She just told me she was sorry. Thanks. You've given me something else to think about (even though I just want to turn this brain off for a while. It's annoying me!!)

aNN,

Like I said, you don't need to say anything beyond

"Thank you for the apology." Or, "I appreciate the apology."

You don't need to forgive her. Or say you forgive her.

What she reads into it is hers.

After that, you probably should block her email address, if you want to keep her out of your life, if that is your wish or need right now.

Regarding her asking your forgiveness:

It has been my personal experience through rapes and felony assault (separate incidents) that it took YEARS for the assailants to come to the point where they fully understood the depth of the pain and wrong they inflicted upon me. Years. While an apology was the first thing to come along, forgiveness was not requested until....well....for the assault it was requested about 25 years afterward. For the rapes? Never.

Although in all the cases, apologies were offered, in the way that the criminals could offer them.


FWIW.

SB

Hey, I had seen this thread before!

Very interesting... will be back to check it out later.

I will say that IMHO in this particular situation the OW didn't deserve a response for the BW.

Agreed, the best reply is none.

But, since the OW and xH are still "buddies", it's tempting 2 reply with a "Thank you" note, along the lines of the saying: "The best revenge against someone who takes your spouse away from you is 2 let them have them."

But that's a little 2 sarcastic for me.

-ol' 2long