My1stLove! I'm so sorry. I had no idea. Try:
newaname@yahoo.com

I only get on here periodically so that's why I missed your tag (just found it).

We had the most fabulous sermon in church today. I can't help but feel I have the chance to speak some life into OW. Ultimately more than anything, I'd love to see her change her life completely. I agree with Schoolbus that no response would imply I'm bitter and angry. I've worked so hard over the last 2 years to not let those things stay in my heart. Now of course I don't want anymore communication with her - but I feel I have an opportunity to show her the true meaning of 'loving our enemies'. ??

Hi aNN,

I'm assuming that you and your xH are divorced... if that is in fact the case, then I think it would be appropriate for you to show her your forgiveness...

My earlier comment was based on the fact of you and your H being M... In that case, I wouldn't want to do ANYTHING that opened up any form of communication with a former A partner...

I'm glad that you've gotten to a point where you CAN forgive this OW.

Semper Fi,

RIF

RIF, I'm not familiar with your story but I've seen your posts...often on the 'night shift'!

Always wanted to thank you for your service to your country.

We are divorced.

The short of it is that the affair started when our first (and only) child was 6 months old. We then moved to my country - him following us after 3 months (said he had to finish the year off at work). Little did I know! After 2 days of arriving out here I knew something was terribly wrong. Found at about the affair and he left on a plane to go back to his country (and her) that very night. He stayed there with OW for 5 months then moved again out here (to be near daughter). Did absolutely nothing to fix things. 7 months later OW secretly immigrates out here too. 18 months after D-day I decide to get on with my life and file for divorce. 3 weeks later she's on a plane going back home to UK.

I have a very amicable relationship with X now - though I don't think he's still very sorry for anything. Started talking about us buying a house together etc etc - so there's some indication he has regrets but that's about it. I'm pretty sure he's single - lives about 20 mins away and see's his daughter every weekend.

Me - still recovering. About to start Divorce Care. Maybe that'll help!

Hi aNN!

It's good to meet a fellow "Night-Shift" member!

Mrs. RIF had multiple (9 to be exact) A's during our first three years of M. I found out about one of them and suspected a second one. I didn't learn about the other 7 until 10 years later...

We went through counseling through our church and through MC. I found MB in the spring of 2002 and started applying the principals, and that's when our rebuilding really took off.

We are fully "recovered" and we continue to rebuild our M each and every day.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Hi ANewName,

I read the letter and while it does seem more sincere than most, it was something she needed to say. Your forgiveness is not her requirement to move forward. Her apology was but not your forgiveness.

However, the choice to forgive is yours and no one can guilt you into doing so. So whether you chose to communicate with her or not, does not make you a better or worse person. She owed it to you not the other way around.

I am not telling to be anti-forgiving, just wanted to share another POV. Also not to let you feel guilted in to responding to her.

Remember she may be able to send you that e-mail but she still may be healing and not able to carry one a discussion about the lesson she learned.

Even if your words are correct, hearing them from you (as the BS), may not have the same effect. Xows still may carry a stigma against the BS even though they try to bury it.

Glad you were able to get a civil apology. The one I got was so full of self-justification, it wasn't worth the e-mail it was sent on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

JMHO,
L.

True.

And she never did ask for my forgiveness. She just told me she was sorry. Thanks. You've given me something else to think about (even though I just want to turn this brain off for a while. It's annoying me!!)

aNN,

Like I said, you don't need to say anything beyond

"Thank you for the apology." Or, "I appreciate the apology."

You don't need to forgive her. Or say you forgive her.

What she reads into it is hers.

After that, you probably should block her email address, if you want to keep her out of your life, if that is your wish or need right now.

Regarding her asking your forgiveness:

It has been my personal experience through rapes and felony assault (separate incidents) that it took YEARS for the assailants to come to the point where they fully understood the depth of the pain and wrong they inflicted upon me. Years. While an apology was the first thing to come along, forgiveness was not requested until....well....for the assault it was requested about 25 years afterward. For the rapes? Never.

Although in all the cases, apologies were offered, in the way that the criminals could offer them.


FWIW.

SB

Hey, I had seen this thread before!

Very interesting... will be back to check it out later.

I will say that IMHO in this particular situation the OW didn't deserve a response for the BW.

Agreed, the best reply is none.

But, since the OW and xH are still "buddies", it's tempting 2 reply with a "Thank you" note, along the lines of the saying: "The best revenge against someone who takes your spouse away from you is 2 let them have them."

But that's a little 2 sarcastic for me.

-ol' 2long