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#2008028 01/11/08 07:56 PM
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I received this a few days ago. The first contact I've had from her in 2 years. don't know what she means by my 'calls'. I only ever made one call to her mobile to see if she was still in the UK (she secretly moved out to Australia to continue her relationship with my X - and then left last year in May after only 5 months) - and I just hung up. didn't want to speak with her.


aNewName,

This is an email I should have written a long time ago, and in honesty is one I drafted last year when I first got back to the UK, but never sent.

I don't know how or where to start to apologise to you, and there are so many apologies to make. I want you to know that despite how it may seem, there was never any intentional malice to any of my actions, I was just too blind and selfish at that time to see what I was doing or to stop myself from doing it. I don't want to go into a massive long email into the depths of it all, I think there is too much water under the bridge for that and I have let too much time pass.

I didn't respond to your email or calls initially for what I thought at the time to be respect for (XH's) wishes, to not make things more difficult for him, but I see now that it was actually due to my shame and guilt and cowardness. And you deserved some answers from me and I am sorry that I cowered away from that.

What we did was wrong and I am sorry. I know and appreciate that all of this is probably all too little too late, but since being back, through my repentance and prayer, God has urged me to make contact with you to say sorry. I wasn't walking with the Lord during that time aNewName, and I turned my back on any guidance or word that I was getting from Him so I could get what I wanted. All I saw was (XH) - I didn't consider or think about anything else and I switched myself off to your existence. I wouldn't listen to anyone or anything and I fell to Satan's temptation, and I was weak.

I am sorry for what we put you through, for the hurt, the anger and every other emotion you must have felt. I am sorry that our weakness broke up your family and I am sorry also to (daughter) for everything. I don't know how else to convey how sorry I am and how much I have repented for this and if I could take it al back, I would in a heartbeat. I couldn't contact you and say this whilst I was still in that relationship as it wouldn't have been genuine and would have been hypocritical. But as God does, He broke through, and opened my eyes to what I had done and what I was continuing to do, and He guided me home and out of Satan's grasp.

I repent every second of every day for what me and (XH) did, and I pray for Him to also do the same and seek God's forgiveness. I pray for you and (daughter), for the healing of your hearts, for the forgiveness of those that have wronged you, and for happiness and joy. I still have a lot of work to do with God on this, but I hope that my words offer you something that you probably needed or wanted a long time ago, and I apologise for how long this has taken me to write and wish I never had to write it, that I had been strong enough to say no in the first place.

I hope it isn't too late for me to say sorry. I am sorry, aNewName.



Any thoughts?
Edited to add: I was initially LucyLoo for anyone who wants to know!

Last edited by aNewName; 01/11/08 07:57 PM.
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Yep. Ignore it.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
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Actually

this is one of the better apology letters I've read here ...

very contrite
taking responsibility
no excuses

good for her

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Hi aNN,

I'm sorry that I'm not more familiar with your situation.

It sounds like a "nice" letter from the OW, but since I don't know where you are with regards to how the A ended, I would tend to say for now, that the best course of action for you would be to just ignore this and NOT reply to her.

For me, if I received a similar letter from one of Mrs. RIF's OM, I would most likely just throw the letter away. I have gotten to a place in our rebuilding where I am WILLING to forgive the OM if they sincerely asked for forgiveness, but I am NOT willing to correspond or reply to a letter such as this as it would only open up communications with the OM and that is the LAST thing in the world that I would ever want to do.

The cynical part of me would also suspect that the OM might have an another 'reason' for contact or that they were just trying to ease their guilt.

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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RIF - exactly. I wouldn't be falling over myself responding. Talk is cheap.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
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Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
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I'm a little torn on what to think. IMO, it sounds very dramatic.

I agree with the other that it is best to just ignore it.

LC





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Its a good letter and I give her alot of credit for courage. This is how true recovery LOOKS.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I may be mistaken, but I did not see where OW asked for a reply

no reply required

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I would appreciate such a letter although I agree you don't need to reply.

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And if I added that XH and OW are still 'friends' on facebook?

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Quote
there was never any intentional malice to any of my actions

There is always intentional malice when you assult the marriage and family of another person.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
Joined: May 2002
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Quote
And if I added that XH and OW are still 'friends' on facebook?


Hi aNN - Based on your comment here... My take on such a letter as this would be that the OW is only trying to ease her guilt.

If she were TRULY sorry, then she would end ALL contact with your xH regardless of whether you two are married or not. Her 'friendship' with your xH shows me that she still does NOT understand the dept of pain and anguish that she caused you and your family.

Ignor her e-mail and don't reply.

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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Quote
And if I added that XH and OW are still 'friends' on facebook?

ta da


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
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ANN,

What RIF said. What Mr. Kahuna said.

The myspace thing pretty much negates everything. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

The fog is still as thick as peasoup, ignore and move forward, ow's apology means nada, just another violation of you. Block that email addy.

However, how are you doing in YOUR personal recovery? You know you are WORTHY!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Last edited by Miss M; 01/11/08 09:17 PM.

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Quote
And if I added that XH and OW are still 'friends' on facebook?

aNN...What does it mean to still be "friends" on facebook? Is it that OW just still appears as one of XH's friends, or can you see that they are still chatting? Could it be that he just hasn't removed her as one of his friends on his page?

The letter certainly sounds sincere to me...I agree with others that it requires no response from you...

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Thank you all for your responses. I enjoyed a nice afternoon with friends so am only able to respond now.

At first I was so pleased to get it. I thought - thank God. Then I started to feel emotions I haven't had to deal with in a while - anger being the main one. A few things made me angry. One that she alluded to the fact that SHE left the relationship (where as my X said HE told her to go back home). The other thing was her saying she prays that XH will repent and seek God's forgiveness - suggesting that she still knows, after 2 years, that he isn't sorry.

The interesting thing she pointed out was that a 'sorry' wouldn't have been genuine if she'd made it whilst still in a relationship with him. And it made me realise that every time XH told me how sorry he was - he was still in the affair. I feel angry that despite the fact it's been over between them (whatever that means) for about 7 months he still hasn't really seeked my forgiveness or extended any real understanding of the ****** he put me through.

And then there is the facebook issue. Mrs W - it could be that the both of them siimply haven't taken each other off, however faceook is a daily log on for most people. There doensn't appear to be any messages from her on his 'wall' for people to see, but the fact they are still 'friends' means that they have full access to each others photo's, messages etc etc. I would assume it was more likely that God was 'urging' her to stop ALL contact with my X before he'd be urging her to tell me she was sorry. Would anyone agree? If there is still any form of contact, doesn't that make her apology still a little hypocritical? (What RIF said was pretty spot on to how I feel)

Maybe I've just been thinking about all this too long. In some ways I wonder if I'd rather I never heard from her for the pain and anger it's brought up in me.

I really do want to do the right thing as far as replying or not. My family think I should reply. Even just to say 'thank you'. I don't mean to sound like a self-righteous prat, but I don't believe I have a choice when it comes to forgiveness. I believe I must forgive whether it is asked for or not.

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reply in prayer

"God, touch every sinner with your grace & love."

Tell your family you already replied in your own fashion.

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Fifty grand would make a nice start of an apology.


I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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wow, I don't know how I would react if I got one of them. Hopefully I can stay calm like you!

BTW, I've been trying to get a hold of you aNewName!

Do you have an e-mail address?

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aNN,

I think the apology is sincere.

It's unfortunate that she doesn't yet understand that the action of severing ties with your ex would go much further to show her true repentance and remorse.

She probably is of the belief that they can "remain friends". This is, as we here at MB know, not really the case. This so-called friendship was a destructive entity.

My thoughts in terms of your return communications:

Her take on a lack of response might be that you are still angry and unable to accept a "simple, gracious, heart-felt apology", and it will be communicated to others that you are still bitter, or perhaps unforgiving.

I would likely offer a very short, simple reply. "Thank you for the apology."

You need not state whether or not it was accepted. Beyond that, it is up to her to interpret it's acceptance - the fact you acknowlege it got to your email inbox is enough, and that you read it, well, I don't think much more is needed to be conveyed to her. It keeps "the other side" assuaged from speaking to others anything about you, because your reply is then completely neutral, civil, and polite. Nothing more offered.


I personally would reply, just to protect myself from possible fallout of failure to acknowlege. That's it.

Schoolbus

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