I am really confused.
My WH moved out 3.5 weeks ago to be on his own.
He is a very kind person and is guilty of appearing to sit on the fence with his head in the sand as far as the OW (my XBF) goes - ignoring calls etc. My problem is that he has not told her of his commitment to me. This was apparent in a phone call she made to me last Thursday under the pretense of 'Happy Birthday'. I am sure she was stirring the pot. Sadly the untrustworthy information she gave me is all that I have to go on. She did however say that he has not made a committment to her and it would have happened by now, so she was going to cut him lose.
I probably sound like a million of other 'sucked in' wives. My WH has been in the centre of his mid life crisis and the OW was simply a symptom of cracks within the communication of our marriage. He appeals to me to trust him "It looks like I don't know what I am doing, but I do".
Believe me, he is recovering very quickly and turning from somebody whom I considered to be my eldest child to an independent, effective person. Funnily enough the role I slid into was one of smothering by mothering. I am so pleased that I will be able to give that one up. To have my H doing things with and even for me rather than tagging along is worth the pain. I admire him for making this stand, even though it is killing me at the moment. I see this move as an investment in the continuation of our M.
Today we spoke. I was seriously considering Plan B and even had the start of a letter typed up. The physical problems I endure by simply seeing him are too much and any more weight loss will be dangerous.
I told him that I was so confused about his intentions, lack of declaration to the OW of love and committment to me, and his wanting to be part of the family but not here. My birthday was last Thursday (oops better change the sig) and he came with us to a public picnic. You would not have known that anything was amiss to the general people. We talked and laughed and thoroughly enjoyed each others and kids company......and then he went home. I was a mess for 2 days and he has not been happy either.
He wants to come home. I want him here too but not because of the children. Our relationship must be about us and the kids can live around that.
My question is... What do I expect?
Roses and dinners? A honeymoon? Both of us seeing a counsellor (we see our own anyway)? Deep talking? A plan to work towards? Do I write my expectations down (I am a list person and he isn't). Do I expect it to take 4 weeks? 6?
He says he has moved out in order to come back whole and loving. He loves me but is not in love with me (yeah yeah yeah) and we both know that this is able to be sorted out. - Can't wait actually.
He would also like to sell our 18 acre block with beautiful home and pool and gardens. He would like to move into the town. (The OW still lives here too and her kids go to the same school ) My thoughts were that a relationship would be able to survive in a caravan, but my MC suggested that this is him trying to 'provide' for his family with a new home. I also liked his reasoning for selling this place as we would be able to cut down the debt on another investment in the process. I would move to the other side of the world if he were to ask me.
I want him back, not out of guilt and not simply because I am the mother of the children and part of the package.
What do I expect?
the OW (my XBF) goes - ignoring calls etc. My problem is that he has not told her of his commitment to me. This was apparent in a phone call she made to me last Thursday under the pretense of 'Happy Birthday'. I am sure she was stirring the pot. Sadly the untrustworthy information she gave me is all that I have to go on. She did however say that he has not made a committment to her and it would have happened by now, so she was going to cut him lose
Ok I have to make sure I have this right before I comment. Your husband had/is having an affair with your xbf and SHE calls you to wish you a happy birthday? Why are you letting her have any contact with you. She is only hurting you and making herself feel better. Have you sent a NC letter to her? If this is true and she is the OW never speak to her again, every time you see or hear from you it will set you back in your recovery. Also, you said your husband moved out but also that he is working to rebuild the marriage. He has to be in your home for that to work.
That is kind of what I think too. However, he has firmly said that he will not hurt anybody any further - his idea of being mr nice, kind, fix it guy. I really believe him when he says that he is not in contact with her - before this terribly sad sitch, he was a man of his word!
As for being at home, that is where we both want to be. He has invited me out for lunch which will be our first opportunity to discuss things without kids around. He loves me and wants to be in love with me (yeah yeah)....how do we discover that spark again. I can't see him without falling apart for days afterwards so get the LB behaviour to the front. I am confused as to the part about Plan B'ing but feel strongly that we need time together to recover.
I am a strong woman, I have a business, degree, and do (did) a lot for the community with the reason that I love to give back my fortune. Now I am a miserable weakling that wants the community to go away. I just want my family.
We are both on AntiDs (I would have been the last person on Earth to go onto these previously). His progress is rather amazing up to now. Many things that he just stuck his head in the sand are being taken head on - even computers!. Alcohol is no longer a problem either.
As for OW I do NOT want to talk to her. Just seeing her in her car is painful, so I know now that she is destructive to my recovery, let alone his.
I think I know he needs time to get his thoughts and head back in one place. Perhaps I am too impatient. I simply can't wait for my husband to come back as a strong person, to be with me, rather than be my eldest child and need to be led.
Looking forward to lunch.
"He says he has moved out in order to come back whole and loving. He loves me but is not in love with me (yeah yeah yeah) and we both know that this is able to be sorted out."
They move out to facilitate the affair. That is the only reason. They don't do it to find themselves, sort things out, or come back whole and loving.
I really hope you don't agree to sell your home. That would be a HUGE mistake until he is back, not in contact with the OW, and the marriage is on solid footing again - at least 2 years away.
Either I am living in a fog and blindly trusting somebody untrustworthy, or don't understand you.
I firmly believe this A is not continuing, that he is finding himself and he will come back whole and loving.
I would love to hear from somebody that has a similar sitch to me - this 'finding myself'.
Selling the home is always an option. I am wanting him to have the feeling of finding and providing a home for his family. Remember ANY idea of his is one he has never had before. It has been up to me for a long long time. I feel a need to make him feel valued, and worthy (Yes I need that too but one thing at a time). I can't see the problem in looking around for now.
I firmly believe this A is not continuing, that he is finding himself and he will come back whole and loving.
you are not thinking clearly and your H is playing you for a fool.
LOL, MEDC,
I so wish you would come over to my thread and kick my butt.
Your use of the language is great.
So what now then? If I am being taken for a fool. Don't want to hear all of this. Do I resort to Plan B letter and go dark?
Gather information. Hire a PI if you can afford one.
Has he agreed to no contact? Has he written a no contact letter? Is there EVER a reason for him to be around her? If so, that NEEDS to change.
If he wants to come home...tell him to come home NOW.
Do NOT have sex with him until he has been tested for STD's.
Change phone numbers, email addresses, etc. to stop all contact with the OW.
Consider a polygraph exam and a post nuptial agreement to protect yourself.
You say you admire your H...for what? He hasn't done anything yet. YOU should make sure that you are NOT living close to the OW and that there is NEVER any contact.
Do not trust one word that comes out of your WH's mouth. He is a liar and you should ONLY respond to actions...not words.
"I am wanting him to have the feeling of finding and providing a home for his family."
What does this mean?
He can have the feeling that he is providing for his family when he becomes HONORABLE and starts behaving like a husband and a father.
He is NOT trustworthy. Don't sell anything right now.
And how was he as a husband before? He sounds like your child.
The affair has "been over" for quite some time and he is still not back home. I would assume that the affair is on-going.
And why in the world are you talking to the OW? Don't answer calls from her. All she wants is some inside information. She is pumping you to find out your hubby's intentions.
You have been married for a long time, so chances are excellent that he will come back. But I really think you need to go to Plan B, a good dark one.
Buying another house right now would be crazy. Please wait until you are feeling more your strong self. Don't try to bargain him into coming back.
Ralfie,
I am so sorry that you find yourself in a position to need MB, but you have come to a place of great support.
I have been where you are. Everyone told me (including Believer and MEDC) that FWS was still in an affair. I did not want to believe it. I wanted to believe all that HE was saying to me. Unfortunately, they were right. The man I had known and loved for 24 years; the man of integrity and honor, had become a liar and a cheat.
Please remember, cheater's lie. He is lying to you to protect his affair. Read everything you can here. Read Surviving an Affair.
Right now, you need to snoop until you have proof of the affair continuing.
Also, Plan A: improve yourself and demonstrate your ability to meet his needs. Also, part of Plan A is exposure of the affair to people of influence in your WH's life (family, friends, pastor, etc.)
He would also like to sell our 18 acre block with beautiful home and pool and gardens. He would like to move into the town. (The OW still lives here too and her kids go to the same school ) My thoughts were that a relationship would be able to survive in a caravan, but my MC suggested that this is him trying to 'provide' for his family with a new home. I also liked his reasoning for selling this place as we would be able to cut down the debt on another investment in the process. I would move to the other side of the world if he were to ask me.
Do NOT let him talk you into making any large financial decisions. You cannot trust him right now. Please realize this. You have NO IDEA what plans he and OW are making.
IF he wants to move, then he needs to come home and the two of you decide together to move AWAY from OW.
If he wanted to come home, he would BE home. All he has to do is pack up his stuff and move home. It's that simple.
Unless, of course, he has a REASON to stay away....like OW.
My question is... What do I expect?
A lot of wayward babble, because your husband is still having an affair or is keeping the door open to it for later.
Ask him to write a NC letter that expresses his repect and love for his wife and family, how wrong and hurtful his affair was, and that he never wants to have any contact of any kind with her ever again.
Then he needs to give this letter to you to read and "approve". Then YOU mail it to OW.
If he is unwiling or resistant to sending this, consider his affair active. There is no reason NOT to send it, unless he is still involved.
For true recovery to take place, there can be no contact with OW ever...from you, your husband or your children.
This woman is an enemy to your family. Do NOT consider her a friend to ANY of you.
Do I expect it to take 4 weeks? 6?
Dr. H says that recovery from an affair takes about 2 years. But remember, that is AFTER no contact is established. Until then, you have not BEGUN to recover.
He says he has moved out in order to come back whole and loving.
This has got to be one of the most ridiculous examples of wayward babble. To become whole and loving he must be at home where he belongs.
He loves me but is not in love with me (yeah yeah yeah)
This is more wayward babble.
Either I am living in a fog and blindly trusting somebody untrustworthy, or don't understand you.
I firmly believe this A is not continuing, that he is finding himself and he will come back whole and loving.
Your husband has proven himself TOTALLY untrustworthy. He has had an affair with YOUR BEST FRIEND!!! He has betrayed you in the most horrific way. You would be demonstrating insanity if you were to trust him.
His actions right now continue to prove him untrustworthy.
One very important thing you need to get right now is that you cannot believe ANYTHING a WS says. His actions at this point are all that matters. A WS who desires to reconcile will:
1. send a no conact letter
2. move home
3. be radically honest and open by answering every question you have about the affair
If he is unwilling to do these simple things (and they ARE simple), then he is still VERY WAYWARD.
I know that this is difficult to hear. I've been in your shoes. But you have got to snap out of your denial if you want to save your marriage.
I would love to hear from somebody that has a similar sitch to me - this 'finding myself'.
Selling the home is always an option. I am wanting him to have the feeling of finding and providing a home for his family. Remember ANY idea of his is one he has never had before. It has been up to me for a long long time. I feel a need to make him feel valued, and worthy (Yes I need that too but one thing at a time). I can't see the problem in looking around for now. [/quote]
I firmly believe this A is not continuing, that he is finding himself and he will come back whole and loving.
All he has to do is look in his shoes and he will find himself.
I'm serious. It's that simple.
Here is a post from someone here that I copied and saved because I loved it so much. And is it simply the truth. Unfortunately, I just realized that when I copied it, I did not include who the original poster was. So, for those of you who are familiar with this, please tell who posted this to give proper credit.
"We need to be apart so I can find myself" What a cute little euphamism that is, finding yourself or finding out who you are.
Many of my dear friends here no that I am a big believer in using a gentle touch on those unfortunate souls who either "Need to find themselves" or "Need to find out who they are" before they can come home to their families.
So, as a public service to these unfortunate souls I have composed "Finding yourself for Dummies"
First, finding yourself...
1. If you can't find yourself, try looking in your shoes. More than likely you will be there.
2. Do not bother looking where your children or responsibilities are, though that would be a reasonable place to look we know you are not there.
3. If need be, go to the police station and give the desk sargeant an 8x10 or you and ask to have an APB put out since you can't find yourself.
4. Ask your child to point to their mom/dad, if you are not sure which one you are reach into your pants and feel around, if there is a penis there, you are dad, if not, you're probably mom.
Now one of these tried and true methods ought to help you find yourself, but it probable dark so let's help you see better. Reach behind you, palms facing you, arms hanging down and grab. That's your butt. Now reach in that and look for a large round object, that is your head. Now, with both hands pull as hard as you can. You are now performing recto-cranial extraction.
Ok, now you have found yourself. We are making progress here! Now we need to find out "who you are". This is not so hard. Look around the house - if there are one or more particularly short little people ask one of them, they are called children, they probably know the answer as it was one of their first two or 3 words. Not able to talk yet? No sweat.
Look for the full grown person with the red eyes who looks like they haven't slept in a while - they probably know. They aren't home??? let's keep looking.
Try looking in a desk or filing cabinet. Look for folders named "mortgage", "Utilities", Or "Marriage license". There will probably be two names here - you are one of those. So we have found you and narrowed it down to two people.
Now look and see if there is a wallet around. Remember that? Little pocket sized leather folding thingy. Look for something that says drivers license. There should be a name. Now find a mirror (Glass thingy in the bathroom), look at the picture on the driver's license and the face in the mirror, if they match, the name on the license is WHO YOU ARE. If they don't, check those papers you found - you are the other name.
Now that you have found yourself and know who you are go find the other full grown person in the house and introduce yourself. Start out with "I'm sorry I could not find myself or figure out who I was, I know now"
Next, knock off the drama, quit being melodramatic and start being mom/dad, husband/wife like you are supposed to and quit with the childish theatrics because the final piece is WHERE YOU ARE. This is called the real world where people depend on you to act like a grownup and keep track of details like who and where you are. The little people in the house are kinda sorta counting on you too.
If this doesn't work and you have to take a journey to answer these questions there is a chance that when you find yourself you will be alone, without a house, without a spouse, without children who love you and without a penny. That is how my XW found herself a year later. Trust me, my plan outlined earlier is better.
Ahhhhhhhhh.... okay, I needed to get that out since the day my XW took off into the sunset and another post yanked that rant out of me. If your WS tells you that they need time away to find themselves and discover who they are print it out for them. If they can't follow the directions make sure the door doesn't hit them in the rear and injure their head. There is a reason I harp on not putting up with crap from WS's who like to play little selfish games - if you indulge them they keep playing them.
I'm better now. Thanks for letting me take a good long vent... maybe I am finally getting my old, dead, buried, BS issues from the days before I met J out of my system.
A WS who desires to reconcile will:
1. send a no conact letter
2. move home
3. be radically honest and open by answering every question you have about the affair
If he is unwilling to do these simple things (and they ARE simple), then he is still VERY WAYWARD.
I would add to this:
4. eliminate avenues for OW to contact him (change cell and home number, change email, etc.)
5. be completely transparent with you by providing all passwords, cell phone records, email access, etc.
Without all of these things happening, consider your husband in an affair right now and completely untrustworthy.
Welcome .. so sorry you find yourself here. the people are wonderful and are speaking out of both wisdom and experience. read and re-read smb's top five things just above - they are a very good place to start.
I'm also posting because you asked for other people who've been in similar shoes to chime in. My WH (who I did not know was wayward at the time) moved out 'for just a month, to find himself, etc' - it turned into 2 months, then 3,4,5 - all the while he was boldly lying to me and building his relationship with OW. He fooled absolutely everyone - sat in our home and lied directly to our pastors faces, lied to his men's accountability group when asked very specifically about this woman, etc. He lied to me in such a way to make me feel ashamed for even suspecting (which I've since read is a very common smokescreen for a WS).
It was so bad that five months after he had moved out, when I accidentally came across a receipt for a nice restaurant on an evening he had told me he had to work late, I confronted him and he told me 'yes he had lied about working late but was having dinner ALONE,' I actually still believed him. I am a smart woman - but it is hard to describe how thick the fog can get. Especially when the man you were once married to was good and honest. Here they refer to a wayward spouse as an 'alien' - because the person you are dealing with is not the person you once knew, for now.
So take the advice above - it's okay that it feels foreign and uncomfortable. That is because you did what you were supposed to do in trusting your husband before - but things have changed since HIS decision to have an A. The playing field is different, let us help you cut through the fog.
Wow am I a sucker.
We had a great lunch and the touches were more tender than in a long time. He said to just give him until his leg is out of plaster - about 3 weeks.
We both established that the PA is over, the EA is still going on,fading but present. He is trying to get over that. He feels a desire to show her things to broaden her horizons - travel etc that we have done together and she doesn't get the chance to do. I suggested writing a cheque for $10,000 - giving her the opportunity. We both decided that she wouldn't use it for travel etc as she is happy with her 'narrow' life horizon and if she wanted to do things she would set her mind to it. Basically he wants to rescue her from things that she is in no need of rescuing. I really want him to rescue me. I actually said not to talk to me about it (tears galore). Going on my naturally inquisitive nature (and being a women) this was a big step for me. I have all of the gory details!
In all of our talking it was "when I come home". The wedding ring is on and has never been taken off and he said it never will be.
He had a lonely, rotten, wet weekend, venturing out to hire a DVD and buy a paper. He misses us.
I hear what you all say and really appreciate the straight talking. I am going to continue with Plan A as this is where I feel more comfortable and where I can be very capable! My MC is keen for me to keep it up, but from a bit of a distance.
As for moving, I am, and have always been open to the idea. Moving into town would be good for the kids too. The OW lives in town and is unlikely to move away. For this reason I would like to also consider moving towns. Kids are in a great school but there are good schools elsewhere and if they don't have mum and dad together, they don't have their family.
I have to be careful not to guilt H into moving back too early.
I will keep you up to date and hope and pray that you won't be able to say I told you so!
Keep watching, praying and talking to me.
Sexymamabear
I have read your stories and we have a similar time line (from what I can work out). You got a lot more angry than me which is something I haven't really done - More the wounded victim role. I am greatly heartened by your recovery and absolutely can't wait for my own. How exciting to have love back. I almost asked for H to have an affair with me at lunch time. Bring it on.
Don't give up on me. Please
Do not trust one word that comes out of your WH's mouth. He is a liar and you should ONLY respond to actions...not words.
i completely agree
have you read mb concepts, read Surviving an Affair?
why not set a target for your own personal recovery instead
or on empowering yourself
or on learning to live life with or without your spouse?
focus on "you" for now
and do not get in touch nor believe on anything the ow says
she is set on destroying you
Actions:
In the first 2 weeks of moving out he has cooked us 3 crockpot dinners to put in the freezer.
He has gotten up at 5.30am in order to come and pick me up and take me to the airport.
He has invited me around for dinner numerous times.
My MC says this is wonderful and if she was my friend she would say to accept.
However as a MC, who knows his MC well (I have given permission to discuss MY situation) she is saying not to accept any more as they are driven by guilt.
This is so hard. I have had to graciously decline any help or 'gifts'.
I have snooped today concerning a birthday present he bought and bingo the whole $ amount on the Visa was for that one bracelet he gave to me. (Big $ amount and could have easily been for 2 lots of jewellery). The ladies selling it to him remember the event well. As I broke down into tears, admitting the snooping, the lady said that she was surprised about the separation as he was obviously in love with me.
Do these 'actions' count?
Have just ordered SAA but it has to be flown over here as not available in New Zealand. Hope they hurry. As you can tell I am impatient and able to make decisions quickly. H is very thoughtful to the point of procrastination. How on earth have we survived 20 years plus??
I have been thinking tonight and have made myself a promise and will promise you all too..... Give me 3 weeks of Plan A'ing from a respectful distance, allow me to keep you all informed, listen to the conversations we have (what you think is Bull S**t) and then I will reconsider my action plan. I have lots of Plan B letters to cut and paste over the next 3 weeks and would like to give my darling H the benefit of your doubt.
Believe me, I hope, again, to say "I told you so" and perhaps be a miracle case.
So 17th March is the day and this happens to be 2 days before our 20th anniversary. It should be only our 19th as a whole year has been stolen.
Goodnight and thanks.
Phoenix, glad to see you here posting!
Ralfie, I don't have much time to post right now, but I will later.
There is MUCH you do not yet understand about MB principles. I can see that in your posts. I will try to explain them better when I get back online this afternoon.
Please try to find a link here on this board to PLAN A, which describes the "Carrot and the Stick" parts of the Plan.
Plan B is after you have worked a solid Plan A (which I don't think you have really started yet & I'll explain why later)for weeks or months. Plan B is when you have lost just about all of your love and need to protect yourself from the emotional abuse of the WS.
Your husand is LYING to you. We have seen the same thing here over and over...almost the EXACT same wording he is giving you. There is NO GOOD reason for him to not come home NOW...other than the affair. Do NOT believe ANYTHING he is saying.
And no, those actions you listed DON'T count. They are pretty typical actions for a WS to keep cake-eating. He strings you along with "those" actions, while refusing to take the actions that MATTER...the 5 actions I listed above.
I am not trying to beat you up. But, sweetie, you are in major denial; and you NEED to snap out of it if you want to save your marriage.
And, if I were you, I'd fire your counselor and call the Harley's. Check out their credentials and how many marriages they have helped save. THEY are the experts in this field.
Ralfie,
Sorry, but I have to agree with the others on this. Waywards are so deceptive.
While my FWH was in the final months of his A, he was often tender and loving to the point that people commented on how his eyes lit up when I came in the room. When on business travel, he called me constantly.
Little did I know that he was either sneaking away from OW to make the calls when she was on the trip with him, or when she wasn't, he'd hang up from calling me and then immediately call her.
Your WH is lying to you big time, the affair isn't even close to over for him. He might be telling himself that it will end soon and then he will come home... he just needs a little more time, another fix of the affair drug. And so it continues........
Who
Well, glad you are still here. I was afraid you would change threads again when you didn't hear what you wanted to hear.
Three weeks is very reasonable. At least there is a time limit on his waffling. But I am afraid in three weeks time, there will be a different excuse.
In the meantime, stay in Plan A. You can also help your cause if you give him admiration and ask for his help in some things. Sounds like he is kind of a knight in shining armour kind of guy.
I would still wait on leaving your beautiful home until the OW is completely out of the picture and you have been in recovery for at leat a year.
I'm sure your husband DOES love you. It's just that he wants to keep both you and the OW.
And please don't let her pretend she is your friend.
Have no fear of the OW being my friend. That one is over albeit painful to lose perhaps the first BF I ever had.
I am listening to you all.
The three weeks is still my plan. I will keep reading up the posts, replying and reading the books.
I hate this stituation. The rug is completely pulled from under my feet for almost a year now. I just want my old H back, being happy together and honest. Our family is the 4 of us, not 3. If he were dead perhaps I would be over it more. (That is not a hint of murder.)
I am not giving up.
Nearly another day gone and I have spent it with the kids at their school camp. I am so disappointed with myself now. I feel that I can't hold my head high in the school community which I worked so hard to participate in. Instead of staying for dinner I snuck off home, crying all the way.
Why am I so attached to him? Why do I feel that in order to be me, my H has to be there for me? How do I get the old me back?
My DS is very supportive and seems gently protective towards me. I really hope that both children learn something good out of this morally, that will guide them in life later. It certainly doesn't help to have a blubbering mother who knows that she has to pull it together, but is not succeeding.
Well only 2 weeks and 6 days to go of my plan. I will promise to read up on Plan A and the carrot and stick part.
Time for dinner - for what it is worth.
How are you holding up, Ralfie?
Has WH agreed to send a no contact letter?
Just remember, you have done nothing wrong. The shame is on your husband. You can hold your head up high knowing that you are fighting for your marriage. It is hard at first, but you will get the hang of it. HIS affair is no reflection on you or your marriage but on him.
I had a horrible time at first, because all of my family knew before I did, our work knew, our friends and neighbors knew. But I held my head up high and took the high road. Now all of those people who felt sorry for me, admire the way I conducted myself.
Chin up, and hang in there.
We had a wonderful conversation over the phone last night and I told him that through all of this I REALLY love him. I asked how we were supposed to rekindle love when we are in separate houses. He was crying.
He suggested that he cancel some curtain order he has made for the rented house and that he hand in his notice. Takes 3 weeks here.
He had a miserable day as did I.
I feel we are really getting somewhere. I am really needing some romance and touch (!!!!) but know this is a bit of a way away yet.
I said that I only want him home for me. Now I am wondering if 3 weeks is too soon??????? I would hate for it to fall over and this pain start again.
Well this morning he asked, if I could, if I would go with him for the morning to his work. He drafts up cattle and sheep (for your hamburgers!). We had a lovely morning just chatting (nothing too heavy) and being together.
I texted him this afternoon and said that I was thinking of him. He replied with thanks for a lovely morning and he is thinking of me too.
He admits that the PA is over and the EA on the way out but it doesn't take him much to go back to square one. Surely the bounce out of square one is quicker each time. (I know what he is going through, having had a heavy 'crush' on somebody a few years ago, although never did anything about it. I was very down for 6 weeks). He hasn't written a NC letter but told me that he has told her that they have nothing to talk about and she doesn't need to contact him any more. She wanted to visit him to discuss it but he said NO. Yay.
So, all up, I am up and down. Had a big cry at work and apparently I look terrible.
I have a bit of a problem in that my DS has soccer and his game finishes 5 minutes before the OW's son's game starts. Do I try to get off work to take my DS? Do I let my H take him? Small town and of course the chances of bumping into her are high but do I do everything I can to prevent this? Or should I just chill out a bit.
I have been on my knees, praying to God, stars, universe, even the cat.
Two weeks and 5 days to go.
Thankyou for your concern, my two friends. I like talking to you as I know the gossip won't get tangled up and changed with others.
Good morning Ralfie,
Have you read Surviving an Affair? Have you read the articles on this site? If not, that should be a top priority.
We had a wonderful conversation over the phone last night and I told him that through all of this I REALLY love him. I asked how we were supposed to rekindle love when we are in separate houses. He was crying.
He suggested that he cancel some curtain order he has made for the rented house and that he hand in his notice. Takes 3 weeks here.
This is GOOD! When my FWS was ready to come home, he still had 9-10 months on his condo lease. He made a commitment to never go there without me, then we packed all his things up, moved him home, notified the landlord, and he gave me all the keys. He pays on the lease...but utilities are shut off. It's just the way it goes when they made these stupid decisions in the first place.
If he wants out of his rental early...ENCOURAGE that.
You CANNOT work on your marriage very well when you live under separate roofs.
I feel we are really getting somewhere. I am really needing some romance and touch (!!!!)
Then tell him that. Part of Plan A is demonstrating your willingness to meet HIS emotional needs. By letting him know that you miss his touch, you may fill his admiration need and hint at wanting to fulfill his se#ual fulfillment need.
Have you read Dr. Harley's Emotional Needs information?
I said that I only want him home for me. Now I am wondering if 3 weeks is too soon??????? I would hate for it to fall over and this pain start again.
The best chance of recovery is when he IS home.
Well this morning he asked, if I could, if I would go with him for the morning to his work. He drafts up cattle and sheep (for your hamburgers!). We had a lovely morning just chatting (nothing too heavy) and being together.
I texted him this afternoon and said that I was thinking of him. He replied with thanks for a lovely morning and he is thinking of me too.
This is great Plan A stuff. Keep this up.
He admits that the PA is over and the EA on the way out but it doesn't take him much to go back to square one.
Ask him to write a no contact letter (find one here first to look at). Tell him you want to see it and mail it yourself or together.
Everytime he talks, texts, emails, or sees her, he is back at day one of withdrawing from her. THAT is why NO CONTACT of ANY kind is essential.
Ask him to write the letter and to come home.
(I know what he is going through, having had a heavy 'crush' on somebody a few years ago, although never did anything about it. I was very down for 6 weeks).
Does your husband know about your emotional affair?
He hasn't written a NC letter but told me that he has told her that they have nothing to talk about and she doesn't need to contact him any more. She wanted to visit him to discuss it but he said NO. Yay.
This is all irrelevant. Only what he DOES matters. And...cheaters lie, liars lie. You cannot trust his words. Get that now.
Without writing the letter, he is keeping a door open to OW.
So, all up, I am up and down. Had a big cry at work and apparently I look terrible.
The emotional roller coaster is really a horrid ride. Hang in there.
I have a bit of a problem in that my DS has soccer and his game finishes 5 minutes before the OW's son's game starts. Do I try to get off work to take my DS? Do I let my H take him? Small town and of course the chances of bumping into her are high but do I do everything I can to prevent this? Or should I just chill out a bit.
I have been on my knees, praying to God, stars, universe, even the cat.
YOUR husband needs to be doing everything to prevent the contact. That part is HIS responsibility. And if this is a common occurence, you will need to find a different league or sport for your children. Some people find it necessary to move. Remember, NO contact is essential.
Two weeks and 5 days to go.
I still see no reason for him to wait three weeks. What in the world is he "waiting" for. He is giving himself more opportunity to be involved with OW. This is very dangerous at the LEAST. Or just a big lie, and he'll have another excuse in a few weeks.
Wow SMB, I was wondering the same thing about the two weeks and five days. I see no reason other than continued contact with OW for him to not come home RIGHT NOW, TODAY.
I would be concerned that I was being gaslighted.
Who
Wow SMB, I was wondering the same thing about the two weeks and five days. I see no reason other than continued contact with OW for him to not come home RIGHT NOW, TODAY.
I would be concerned that I was being gaslighted.
Who
I was told the exact same thing by more than a few people here about my FWS when he was feeding me his babble. So it's kinda easy to spot. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
You have given me hope SMB.
Surviving An Affair has been ordered but I have to wait for it to come from USA as it is not available in NZ (a crime for us over here!).
Yes read HNHN (at least that is available). Must read it again but will do the hint dropping. Previously our s*x life has been a bit grim but he has always (from 20 plus years ago) said that it is not important for him.
Yes he knows about my EA and po'd. I am pleased I had it as I am able to forgive and understand that much easier. Actually I never thought of it as an EA. Yuk. Was I a WS?
He came up with a plan for the soccer, but I think it is more of avoidance. We need to talk more about it.
As for the three weeks, that is my time limit for going into Plan B - kind of.
Have just spoken to my mother and she pointed out that if he comes home right now, he could easily slip into 'Eldest son' mode. I sure don't want that. I now feel that he needs to woo me. Is this right?
Ralfie,
Well if he is willing to meet all of your requirements for coming home now, there is no need to go to plan B.
Having him there with you is added insurance that NC is in place. Have you thought about what you will do if he comes home in 2 1/2 weeks and then you find out that there has been continued contact during that period?
Who
Previously our s*x life has been a bit grim but he has always (from 20 plus years ago) said that it is not important for him.
I wouldn't be too quick to believe that one. It is the number one need for MANY men, and in the top 3 for MOST men...if I remember correctly.
I think sometimes men say this because they don't want to hurt their wives feelings or pressure her or be misunderstood. But deep down, they know they NEED it. It's not just a want.
As for the three weeks, that is my time limit for going into Plan B - kind of.
I'm confused. I thought the countdown was because he said he would come home in three weeks???
I doubt that you are ready for Plan B. This is not something to rush into, or you will find youself not able to maintain a dark Plan B. You really need to wait for the book to arrive and keep reading the articles here.
Has his affair been exposed? Family? Friends? Work?
Exposure is part of the Plan A. I wish I could figure out how to post a link to you for Plan A. I will look around and see if I can figure it out.
Is he willing to come home now?
Have just spoken to my mother and she pointed out that if he comes home right now, he could easily slip into 'Eldest son' mode. I sure don't want that. I now feel that he needs to woo me. Is this right?
No, I don't believe you can expect any wooing. Most WS's are in a fog and then go through withdrawal from the OP once they go no contact. You really need to read the articles to help you be prepared for what is ahead.
It is good to have support from your mother. But be very cautious about taking advice from people who are not familiar with MB. The plans to deal with infidelity are very non-intuitive...what you think you should do, often is the wrong thing. You cannot go on your feelings. You need to follow the plans outlined here. Take your time educating yourself so that you are prepared for the road ahead. It is a tough one, no matter what the outcome.
R,
It appears you are benefitting from moving over from Recovery. IMO the first thing you should be working on is completing the EN survey for you and for him (availalble on this site, no cost, no waiting). As soon as you can get him back, you should try to get him to do his EN survey for himself. IMO, while you are preparing him meals, your XBF is making ten times the deposits in his Love Bank by meeting his SF needs and whatever else he really wants.
You really seem like a wonderful, gentle person, much like many of the Kiwis I have met over the years here in the ME. However, if you want to stay married to the father of your children, IMO you would help the situation if you just follow the MB formula and forget about what you think is the right thing to do.
The MB principles are not intuitive, they are the opposite. That's why everyone is telling you to read the books, talk to the Harleys if you can work it out, and read everything on this website. You must establish some personal boundaries, get your WH back home, and establish NC even if that means moving your home but like everyone else, I believe you should not sell your home until you are back together. IMO again, the most important thing is getting WH away from XBFOW and establishing NC. That may require exposure of the A and you must be prepared to do this.
Everything that everyone is telling you is true. Your WH has an alien invading him, he's intoxicated, and addicted. Mrs. Hurt has told me this several times since we began R about her A.
Good luck again.
Thanks all,
The countdown was loosley based on the plaster cast coming off and something that I can find workable. Handing in notice on a rental takes 3 weeks too - coincidentally.
Yes the A is exposed to the world and the gossip mill is up and pumping.
I have read a lot of this site and Plan A. I suppose it is my interpretation and instinct that makes me alter it.
I wish the books would hurry up.
NC has been acheived. He is a very strong person once his mind is made up. He has gone cold turkey with both smoking and alcohol and knows what addiction is. As I have said before the NC had been done but is at the mercy of the OW - isn't it always? What is stopping Princess Piranha Face circling, calling anyway. She told me a week ago she wouldn't but she is untrustworthy. I must add that he was doing NC well since just before Christmas, knowing that she had called various times. It wasn't until she sent a particularly nasty text on Jan 20th that he replied to, finding out what she meant, that caused this breakdown. He often says that if she hadn't we would have so much further ahead. He knows that the alien is still present but he is trying very hard to suppress it.
I feel that the alien invading our marriage is leaving and he is walking on eggshells to avoid awakening it again.
I really miss him today and it took all I could, to not pop in after work for a hug. Do WH's like their BW to be needy? I am trying not LB by being needy but then it could have been one of my LBing behaviours - being so independent that took away his manliness. I can see many times where I overuled the roost.
He is seeing a councellor this afternoon and I hope he will ask for guidance. No doubt I will have to see mine on Monday.
R,
From my experience, until your WH moves home and begins complete NC, he will not begin to withdraw from his addiction. Dr. Harley says that everytime OW contacts him the addiction begins again. Isn't there someway for him to change his telephone number?
Only you can decide on your personal boundaries, but at a minimum I'd suggest the following:
1. Move home immediately
2. Verifiable NC. Take his phone away if he can't change the number.
3. Start MC with you with a C skilled in MB techniques.
4. Take the EN survey
5. Anything else you require to feel safe and protected again.
Only you can decide the consequences if he fails to respect you PBs and you shouldn't make threats but he should be aware that there will be consequences.
He needs to write a NC letter ASAP which you should read and approve before mailing but this can wait. At some point if he won't do it, you need to decide what the consequences are.
You aren't going to be able to make deposits in his Love Bank much until NC is established and he gets through withdrawal. In our case, it took about two months after Mrs. Hurt returned.
I really can relate to what you are going through because it was only four months ago for me. We aren't recovered yet but we are beginning the long process. Until you get WH home and in NC, you won't be able to begin R IMO.
Do WH's like their BW to be needy?
The answer IMO is definitely no. You must be confident, not angry, and attractive.
Chin up.
The phone is a business phone and advertised number. It is essential for his business. We have caller display so know who has phoned and when.
Will see what he comes up with after seeing C.
He is tired of people telling him what to do....goes back years and him moving out was a major step in doing what HE felt needed to be done. Nobody has suggested that he do this, it is completely his idea and I think he feels empowered. If I tell him to move home, he will dig in his heels, but if I ask nicely and make it his idea somehow, I think that would be better.
We are going to have to change our relationship and I realise a lot of work is required. I did the EN questionnaire this afternoon and will take any opportunity for him to do it too. We are both familiar with HNHN and are able to talk based on that book. I agree with it being a good starting point.
Boy do I sound 'foggy'. 2 weeks and 4 days until I can try a perfect MB plan. Until then......
I find writing this like a diary is quite healing in itself and value the comments.
Well there goes Friday. Mixed day.
I was good at work but slowly started to melt down and when I drove to school and passed the OW picking up her children the floods turned themselves on.
My H lives just around the corner from school and I REALLY wanted to pop in for a hello but didn't. Turns out he was hoping I would. I suggested that he invite me next time.
The kids both had a friend for a few hours after school so they were happy while I swept the driveway in floods of tears.
The soccer game was changed to later and H came along (quite safely). We were surrounded by friends,well wishers and sympathetic people. He is so well liked and we are well liked as a couple. They all want me to hang in there. I am relieved that he is not caste out.
He suffered a nervous breakdown before Christmas. That is not a medical term but encompasses many of his symptoms. I wonder if I am having one now.
His C thought that before he moves back home, to love me wholly, he needs to love or at least like himself first and this will take a bit more time. I agree. We had a week apart back in May and it was disastrous. Instead of acheiving a complete break from me and the OW, he got both neurotic women and it probably made matters worse as well as costing a fortune in a motel.
My C says that in all honesty, if he comes home too early and if I don't hold myself together, it will be a replay of the motel week. So, why go through this pain in order to wreck things. I am of the opinion that the pain is to give us a greater, tighter, happier future.
We had takeaways by the river with our DD (DS off to a friends) and I invited him home for a cup of tea. He declined....but ended up following us home.
Our DD didn't go to bed until late and H left just afterwards.
Here I am just itching for some quality private time but obviously he is not ready for this - ducking off at the first opportunity.
Does this look dodgy? My non MB view says no, he is simply not ready to talk.
Breakthrough - he watched the DVD of "The Secret" and was quoting bits and pieces for most of the evening. Not bad for somebody who could only see a black wall when he tried to look to the future.
I also printed off the EN questionnaire and gave it to him with some chocolate.
So I have full expectations of a miserable weekend but will try the law of attraction and try to make it not so bad.
Patience is a virtue, possess it if you can, always found in women, but never in a man.
Hold yourself together. Be calm and happy. Have hope, because affairs almost always end and the man returns to his family. Control angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements. And know that as long as OW is in the picture, his feelings for you won't be there.
An affair is a fantasy and we compare it to a drug addiction. The WS will do almost anything to keep having access to his drug. So be prepared for that.
In the meantime, you need to make yourself the most attractive alternative.
Yes that is what I want to do. I think the A is well over and he is left with the 'bruising'.
He is coming to our place today to split firewood - his idea and one I am all for as it is a neat thing to do all together.
I said to him that I would like to see more of him. Perhaps I need to spell it out that it is up to him to initiate. This is something that previously we had slipped into the old role of me doing the initiation and him tagging along.
I really want to go over the EN but will wait.
Saturday night and he has just left (sadly but no tears!)
What a great day. We were simply together all day, splitting firewood. It was too noisy to talk and for the whole day nothing heavy spoken about. He actually pinched my behind!
I had to go to work for an hour at the pharmacy and he offered to stay at home to look after DD. He had a bath etc and I got home to dinner and a very relaxed H. He is so different to last year.
We watched TV with DD and he left at 8.30.
We were actually having some playful kisses and he is touching me more and hugging.
I feel great tonight. Would have loved for him to stay but neither of us are quite ready for that yet.
Tomorrow I have to work for 2 hours so will drop DD off and then I am attending a jewellery party, so will pick up both kids by then at about 3. Fingers crossed for more......
I love this guy. I love him, like him and just want him better and to come home.
I want to add that neither of us have had angry outbursts or shown outward disrespect. The whole saga is simply sad.
Yay the books arrived. I have ordered SAA too so that is to follow. Early night to start reading.
Until tomorrow then.
Another day down and I didn't do so well.
I dropped DD off at his place and just being in that house makes me lose all composure.
I had to work - didn't want to.
H and DD met me for a coffee and then we went our separate ways, me to a jewellery party and he to the supermarket - with my list!
I got home and read LB - boy did I do lots wrong. Why are these books not standard issue with wedding rings? According to the book I am selfish and demanding although the Taker in me makes it justified.
He dropped both kids off and left half an hour later. Big hugs and longer kisses - on the cheek though.
I know that I am not to expect the violins and roses, or any miracles for a while but I want and need more than is forthcoming. I also want and need to give more than he needs or wants at the moment.
Patience.
God I miss him.
There goes Monday and I am really not doing very well.
He came for breakfast and then I drove him around a few farms and we drafted lambs for a few hours.
I was getting worse and worse and he was trying his hardest to be cheerful.
When he dropped me back home, I really couldn't hold it together and the silent tears fell as he hugged and held me, apologising and whispering to be strong.
I was grim at work for the afternoon - even my hair is lack lustre!
I picked the kids up from his place, having first asked for them to be ready to jump into the car so I didn't have to go in. He made a special effort to hug me while I was in the car and whispered that he wants to come home and loves me.....so we drove away.
Forced cheerfulness for the kids and through dinner.
He rang and we spoke for almost half an hour. He wants to come home. He hates the agony he is inflicting on me and our DD. I think DS is better at just getting on with life. He would like to return at Easter although I said why wait. He said that he left to figure out what he really wanted to do with the rest of his life. It hasn't hit him like a thunderbolt but he is slowly, but stongly getting it that we are very important and special to his future and coming home is what he needs to do next.
I am not working this weekend and told him. He suggested us going away somewhere as the weekend are torture for both of us, no matter who has the kids. I told him straight that he needs to be speaking to me about Recovery of our marriage and the superficial cheerful stuff, although welcome, is not enough. He must come home to me. More time alone, more TV off and more babysitters hired to get alone.
He completely understands and is also looking forward to rebuilding what we had, but with the benefit of hindsight. I said that it is a hard, bumpy road but we at least have the ability to talk without anger and agree to be openly honest.
What now?
Should we both see the MC? Should we work through the EN questionnaire - perhaps we could get away on the weekend by ourselves even. Should we try to go away for a week by ourselves? Should he see his C alone again? Do I impose/suggest rules?
He asked me something that in order to answer, I had to say that I will say it straight so that he is not guessing what I mean. He totally agreed to that concept! Yay. As long as he plays that game too, we are on the road.
I am tempted to move over to Recovery board, but am not there yet.
So we will see how tomorrow goes.
Much better today and a little retail therapy in a city an hour away. H was working over there so met me for lunch and we spent an hour perusing real estate brochures for the area.
He stayed for a coffee after I brought the kids home and we got on like a house on fire.
I rang him later and invited him for dinner (chocolate self saucing pudding that he loves) and he accepted. I had expected otherwise. We had a wonderful time. Kids in top form and lots of conversation and laughing and not much eating. He said he had forgotten what it was like to have a whole family at a dinner.
SAA turned up today. I can see why nobody is replying to my rants! I hope the book is useful for the process of Repair and Recovery. I put it in his car.
Yup. Kids to bed and he is off.
Every day is progress, of that I am sure. He WILL be home and we WILL recover. I am wondering why I feel able to recover with no recriminations or finger pointing. I just want to get started and get to the fun stuff at the end.
Bit sad now. Might go to bed early.
2 days gone now and today I am feeling a bit flat, prefering to be alone, in bed or in a cave. Wondering if my 'giver' is getting fed up and the 'taker' in me is pushing me into The State of Withdrawal.
He texted me this morning - all very chatty and chirpy.
I had sent him a little hello card and he got that this evening when he got back from a meeting out of town.
He called the kids and spoke to me but I started to crumble and he asked why. He suggested that I email him as I was unable to speak properly or clearly. Thanked me for the card.
I did email him straight away. Told him that I need more, that it hurts not to know that OW has not been told that he is standing for me and his children, that I simply have to trust him but have nothing to go on, that I feel more like a sister than a wife, that he should be at home, and that maybe I am having a nervous breakdown and that if I didn't still love him, I would be ready to get on with my life and friends....so go figure.
What do you know? I get an email back half an hour later - a copy of a NC letter he has emailed the OW!!!!!
OMG!!! He has been reading the book - Surviving An Affair and copied it out almost word for word.
Of course I simply had a melt down of relief, love blah blah blah. He then called and I thanked him very much for sending the letter. He thanked me for standing by him and asked what I needed.
I have suggested a trip together to the MC - his one, my one or both together!
I will suggest tomorrow that we both read and work through the SAA as it gives wonderful guidelines on how to get started again.
He is looking forward to the positive outcome we are going to acheive and SO AM I!!!
So we shall see what happens over the next few days.
He said that he is going to expect a fall out from the OW. She has been texting and phoning him still (yes after promising me again and again to stop) and he is not really expecting her to respect his wishes (or mine). But he is ready and armed with SAA intelligence.
Onwards and upwards.
Got a nice text from a friend - when you hit rock bottom, you get to plant your feet on the ground rather than slide down the slope further.
All of 3 hours sleep last night but over all a sense of relief that the NC letter had been sent and not because I even suggested it!
Had a great day at work - busy, happy atmosphere.
He called in to pick something up and we chatted to another friend. Later we spoke outside the pharmacy and he asked what I wanted. I said to stop giving me the chirpy chatty stuff that he just gave our friend and get REAL with me. To stop being so superficial. To be honest. To go through the EN questionnaire would be a great start but to read the bit on Joint Agreement so we feel able to speak up.
20 minutes later, I was on the phone to a doctor and this large bunch of beautiful flowers turn up for me. I quite lost my concentration and tears turned on! Finished the call and read the card which thanked me for standing by him and that he loves me.
I have so much more confidence. I had to take both kids to soccer tonight and ended up standing about 10 metres away from xOW. I didn't really look at her and certainly didn't even try to smile or talk. The BEST thing was the knife was not twisting in my heart and I wasn't shaking.
Once again, we all had takeaways by the river watching the beautiful sun set and then went back to his house for a cup of tea.
The kids ran around outside with other kids and their skateboards and we started to talk......this is great. I told him that I would be honoured if he asked me to go away for 10 days or so with him, to attend MC and to work from the SAA book.
I also acknowledged that the NC letter that he sent must have been very difficult for him and that I know he will be hurting from that. I will wait for that healing too and he said he couldn't believe that I would wait more. He also said that there is no way he wants to see or contact her as it says in the book it takes 4 weeks to get over.
He wants to come home and wants to tell the kids. So I will wait for them to break the news to me.
But here is the exciting bit...he wants to take me tomorrow night to a nearby city, to attend the speedway (we both love it) and then stay overnight.....OMG!
We were all four, mellowing out in the lounge by now, rubbing tootsies (toes!) when he asked if I would like to stay the night. That is the other Best bit!
I felt it all a bit quick so declined but he knows that I was chuffed to be asked.
I give so many thanks for the progress made so far and look forward to more.
Today was pretty good all up.
DH suggested that the kids were so happy we should perhaps stay home for the evening instead of sending them off to a friends (they are thoroughly enjoying staying in town with kids everywhere, compared to our 30 acres with nobody!). I asked if he were putting the kids first, or felt uncomfortable with going away with me. "Both" was his reply. We discussed the importance of putting each other first as the kids have always come first so far. I also agreed that it was probably too early to go away together, so left it at that.
I went around at lunchtime with a few lunch supplies - lots of comfort, homely food! We spent the afternoon together looking at sections and building plans and cleaning the cars. It was quite a nice quiet time we had.
At about 4.30 I felt it was time to go. Didn't want to and he asked me to stay, but I went - some pathetic attempt at being independent and capable. Well I only lasted 2 lonely hours at home (sewing) when I rang him up. He wanted to talk more about the future so I went around again!
We all had dinner together and then before I know it, he is suggesting I stay. This time ...... I didn't!
We had our first nice kiss in ages. The moon and stars were out and the crickets singing. I said I need a few more romantic moments and that our first night is to be without the kids downstairs. Although I have the wants, I have not got the expectations though.
We have the SAA book, the EN questionnaire and know that they need to be talked about. I am waiting for him to bring that up, knowing how 'bruised' he is from the NC letter and his MLC in general. Of course I would have prefered to get started on the 'homework' yesterday. Patience.
Our conversation is about the future and looking very good. It broaches the mistakes we had made and we both know that we need to get very serious in our conversations before he is to move home.
Danine wrote out a list of do's for the FWS which I gave to him, because it put into words, what I wasn't able to. He must have read it during my lonely 2 hours, so they were worth having. Also I noticed the SAA book had been moved. Yay. We have progress.
I have so much more confidence. Only last weekend I wasn't even able to go into his house without feeling like I was intruding, or collapsing into a sobbing puddle. No worries now - well this weekend anyway.
Seeing more of him tomorrow. I am really glad that I married this man, and that I am able to wait for him as the fog is lifting rapidly and the original man is emerging. The one I love.
Just a so so day spent mainly on my own but pretty good. Read books and accomplished some sewing and made some hot cross buns.
H brought kids home mid afternoon and we just mucked around together with the campervan and mowing the lawns.
Cooked an A Grade dinner with dessert - not sure if I am actively Plan A'ing, just really want to do this anyway.
He had to leave at 7 to get on with his phone work - a regular Sunday thing for us.
Will be seeing him tomorrow briefly and all day Tuesday.
Bring on the Recovery.
I hope he brings up the need for the EN questionnaire or stuff out of the book - by himself.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
I haven't taken the time to read your tread from the beginning, but what I've read this week sounds like you are doing wonderful.You are lucky that your DH sent the NC letter and wants to come home to you, that's GREAT!
I haven't read through your thread either..
Ralfie or anybody, why is WH not living at home since the NC LETTER has been sent?
It is going to happen. We are actually both a bit scared of doing things too fast and mucking it up.
Today I had a coffee with him before work. We are both at home (my place) tomorrow staining decks and working together. He suggested that he brings around his copy of the EN questionnaire. OMG! This is something that he knows I have been wanting to do but I have refrained from pushing for it. He has also nearly finished SAA - it just gets better! He said that one of the big things he has realised is that we need to spend more time together and put the kids wants second - not to their detriment, but to the betterment of our marriage. If we are happy and fulfilled, the kids will be too.
I saw him briefly this afternoon at parent teacher interviews (our DD is doing Fabulously and we are very proud), and then we had a look at 2 sections nearby. We are both very keen to start building a new house. Although this place is perfect, it is boring and also represents an unhappy phase. He has wanted to not live in the house for a while and I came to the conclusion over the weekend that I don't either.
Real Estate agents coming for a preliminary look tomorrow.
As for moving back with me, I am waiting for him to do it. He is very welcome. As I said I am worried about it being too soon and the thought of him bumping into xOW is sickening. If he hasn't got her out of his system, this pain will be for nought and the wound would reopen. It will happen though and for this reason I would move towns. We will talk more about this, hopefully tomorrow.
I think he is waiting until Thursday - the plaster cast comes off his leg (and it smells too much to be in my bed!) and it seems that he wants to sweat it out, on his own, while he is disabled.
Honestly this broken leg has been the best thing. He is in a lot of pain in his back and other leg though as a result so needs that dealt to.
Bring on tomorrow, and Wed, Thurs and the rest of the week. Tomorrow especially.
Well a real estate agent came around and we spent an hour or so discussing the plan for the sale of our lifestyle block and lovely house. I have no idea how long it will take to sell, but look forward to a change in address.
We didn't get any staining of the steps done and attempted to discuss the EN questions of affection and sex, but DH came to the conclusion that he needs to fill it in before discussing it!
Now you might find this interesting.....I want sex more than he does! He has ALWAYS said that it is not important to him, however we shall see when we rate them in order. We both put affection up higher! So ladies it is possible that sex is not even in the top 5 for a man. I know respondents on other threads say rubbish to this, he is lying, but he wasn't.
He had to leave to get kids from school and I went to town. He texted me and asked me to come for coffee. I did.
My DH then asked me to take a load of clothes and books home - to save another trip later. I tried to sneak out with his pillow - what a laugh (had to be there). You should have seen DD's face!!
He is going to move his office desk and dressing table back home when he gets his truck back (from the panelbeaters).
It won't be long now. He is the love of my life and I can't wait.
No real talking today as he had a job to do, but he invited me along for the drive. Took all morning and we kept everything to chitchat - thoroughly enjoyed it too.
I worked this afternoon and am now at home by myself.
What do I expect?
This morning he brought back most of his shoes. He seems to be moving back in load by load.
I trust him that he has acheived what he set out to do by moving out.
I trust him that he wants to resolve our problems, and that he is just as worried about mucking it up as I am.
I trust him that he is in NC with her.
I trust him that he loves me.
I also know that he thinks of her - just like the books say. He is open enough to at least tell me that.
But do I expect more? Affection? Joy? Should I be feeling like a princess?
Am I still in too much of a hurry? Does this all come slowly back after even more work and effort. Almost 11 months since the affair was discovered. 6 weeks since he moved out to be on his own, and 1 week since the NC letter - really to give her the message to stop contacting him - the odd random phone call or text. She is probably trying to be friends but it puts him back down again and again. She hasn't contacted him since the NC email.
The plaster comes off his leg tomorrow.
I shall wait until the weekend for a moving back date or plan. It seems he is just sliding back quietly. He has a key for the house now.
Tomorrow he is coming for breakfast and we are getting into the staining of the steps - I suggested that I do it tonight but he wants to do it together. Yay. I hope to approach at least another 2 questions of EN.
Waiting waiting waiting.
Thursday done and dusted.
He turned up at 8.30am and we spent 2 hours staining steps and decks together, having a thoroughly good time.
He then suggested that we discuss the EN questions but we were having trouble so started at number 10 and worked backwards. They seemed easier. We got 5 done with some wonderful honest talking and listening.
I need to work on the appreciation of his being who he is and what he does. Sadly I seem to tell others and not him. I spent a lot of time telling my 2 close girlfriends of the wonderful things he did, never 'bagging' him. Unfortunately I did too good a job and one of those friends turned into the OW.
I also need to do more domestic support. I asked if I had improved over the last 11 months and he said definately. He said that he knew I was trying really hard and loved me doing what I did. I wonder if he thinks it is just an effort and will die away. I love building the homely atmosphere for him and the children. I hate it that I haven't been able to care for him with his broken leg.
His downfall is the amount of time he has committed to his work and the evening telephone work which goes on until late in the evening and all through breakfast. He really understood that and has already put in place measures to stop the phone intruding on our time.
I went to work this afternoon and picked the kids up afterwards, not getting home until 6.15pm.
All ****** broke lose and suddenly I felt I wasn't coping with the cooking, washing, cleaning, happy family scenario that we have enjoyed so far.
I think our DD was a bit upset over her dad being at his house, but she said she didn't want to talk about it to me or anybody else.
Nobody ate anything - really felt appreciated myself! NOT.
All in bed now and I am feeling a bit lonely, missing him.
He says he is still having his 'moments' and is coming home soon, but needs a bit longer. I can hear you all groaning. At least the cast is off the leg today and when the truck comes back from the panelbeaters he will feel a lot more complete.
I promised the 17th as my date for Plan B. It is not necessary. I have seen more of my FWH over the last 2 weeks and talked real talk with him, than over the last 2 years. OW hasn't contacted him and I asked today whether our happiness and healing completely depended on whether she contacted him or not. He replied that he is a ****** of a lot stronger now and finally can see right from wrong.
Yay again.
Did you know that I haven't cried for almost a week?
I met him at lunchtime to look at plans for a house and then saw him for dinner (with kids) after soccer. (xOW not there this time and I had a great time - like the old days).
We went for a walk afterwards (no kids) and just enjoyed company and chat. Nothing heavy. Loads of lovely compliments all evening about me and he seems quite happy that I have finally put on 2kg. (About 5 to go to lose the skeleton look).
He said he bumped into somebody at school that was going through a divorce and had been forced to put his farm on the market. DH said that our block was on the market too and that we were getting back together. Yay. For him to be saying something that positive to others is wonderful and I feel so 'built up' and secure. True, he is still not home but the feeling of security that I got from his NC letter that he wrote all by himself, is incredible.
I took DD home at about 9pm and he gave me a heavenly kiss that unfortunately got interrupted by DD squishing in between us. I wanted more!!!
The last 24 hours have been quite significant... plaster cast off, truck back from panelbeaters and his wallet found after 8 weeks lost. Perhaps he will see all of this as a sign to come home.
Onwards tomorrow. Firewood on the agenda, after working the morning.
Might have to change to Recovery pages soon......
I have really missed this board. It has been my friend for ranting and I know that gossip will not result!
In 10 days things have really moved.
We celebrated our 20th anniversary. A few days beforehand he asked what I wanted to do on the day. I didn't know what to reply - dinner in Paris would have been great!
He called later to say that he would take me away for the night and to pack some nice clothes. He said that the day was pretty special.
Couldn't wait.
Needless to say we had a glorious time together. Flowers, bit of shopping, 'mucking around' at the gorgeous hotel, dinner at a restaurant we went to years ago, more 'mucking around', more 'mucking around' the next morning, breakfast (late) and a leisurely drive home.
Since then we have had Easter. The Friday night was a bit of a fizzer and I think both of us are unsure what to do. Turns out he had packed an overnight bag, but I sent him off home without knowing! Not wanting to assume anything inappropriate!
We took the kids in the campervan to a beach camping ground and had a wonderful weekend, out and about on skateboards and bikes, in the glorious sunshine.
Coming home yesterday was a bit of a downer and I stopped coping. Just knowing that we can have a wonderful time and he lives at a different address not only kills me, but kind of makes me feel a bit used. He gets to enjoy the baking and cooking and clean home and our best behaviour, but goes home for the night. He said that his 'moments' are getting les and less but he is not quite ready.....I finally don't understand. I have completely understood up until now, but just don't get it.
I suggested that his life is for living for the 'now' and not to be lived going on the past experiences.
Well today he arrived around at 2pm and in a lovely embrace he asked whether I thought that the 'grieving' process that he is going through would be sped up by being in the company of his family. Fantastic. We talked about the opportunity to wallow in grief if he was on his own, and he said he is actually getting sick of himself. His last visit to the C confirmed that his feelings were completely normal and he will get over them. That C is a miracle worker - I could have told him that for free!
We did a couple of hours gardening then he went off home (with left overs from the fridge).
He rang later. He has told a neighbour/friend of ours that he is going home and it will most likely be this weekend. Yay.
Unable to contain myself I asked if he would like the trailer dropped around in the morning. I have to wait for the weekend.
He is my old H again. He is alive and vital, sorting things out and coming up with suggestions for our future. Talking openly and honestly and, although we still have 2 questions to go on the EN list, he is definately doing well on the affection stakes! I need to do the admiration more and more. Actually find it difficult to repeat myself when I have already said things. We are looking at Badminton together midweek and he is definately mellowing about getting a babysitter.
It can only get better.........
A terrible nights sleep.
So many questions, concern for DH, fear for this all being a waste of time and anxiety that we are possibly about to embark on a bit of a dip in our quest for recovery. I am also scared of the OW.
I need to know a bit from the point of view of the xWS.
Take into consideration that my DH has been in his own home for 8 weeks, alone apart from visits from the kids. He sent the NC letter 4 weeks ago. The OW has not replied.
The fog has been rapidly lifting over the last few weeks for him and he is tired of his own company (although a lot of time is spent with us), sick of his grief and wanting to come back.
What do I expect of the next few weeks/months?
How much grief will he go through?
How much longer?
Is being home the best thing? (I think it is)
What if the OW ambushes him with a text or call during one of her weak moments?
What can I do to help?
We have both read the SAA and agree to work with its programme.
We are both actively participating in "The Secret" - the law of attraction. Honestly, without that as well, I would have given up.
How do we both attend school functions when the xOW (xBF) will be there? We have worked so hard to become part of the school community - for the friendships as well as the support it gives the children.
What do I expect???