Well there goes Friday. Mixed day.
I was good at work but slowly started to melt down and when I drove to school and passed the OW picking up her children the floods turned themselves on.
My H lives just around the corner from school and I REALLY wanted to pop in for a hello but didn't. Turns out he was hoping I would. I suggested that he invite me next time.
The kids both had a friend for a few hours after school so they were happy while I swept the driveway in floods of tears.
The soccer game was changed to later and H came along (quite safely). We were surrounded by friends,well wishers and sympathetic people. He is so well liked and we are well liked as a couple. They all want me to hang in there. I am relieved that he is not caste out.
He suffered a nervous breakdown before Christmas. That is not a medical term but encompasses many of his symptoms. I wonder if I am having one now.
His C thought that before he moves back home, to love me wholly, he needs to love or at least like himself first and this will take a bit more time. I agree. We had a week apart back in May and it was disastrous. Instead of acheiving a complete break from me and the OW, he got both neurotic women and it probably made matters worse as well as costing a fortune in a motel.
My C says that in all honesty, if he comes home too early and if I don't hold myself together, it will be a replay of the motel week. So, why go through this pain in order to wreck things. I am of the opinion that the pain is to give us a greater, tighter, happier future.
We had takeaways by the river with our DD (DS off to a friends) and I invited him home for a cup of tea. He declined....but ended up following us home.
Our DD didn't go to bed until late and H left just afterwards.
Here I am just itching for some quality private time but obviously he is not ready for this - ducking off at the first opportunity.
Does this look dodgy? My non MB view says no, he is simply not ready to talk.
Breakthrough - he watched the DVD of "The Secret" and was quoting bits and pieces for most of the evening. Not bad for somebody who could only see a black wall when he tried to look to the future.
I also printed off the EN questionnaire and gave it to him with some chocolate.
So I have full expectations of a miserable weekend but will try the law of attraction and try to make it not so bad.
Patience is a virtue, possess it if you can, always found in women, but never in a man.

Hold yourself together. Be calm and happy. Have hope, because affairs almost always end and the man returns to his family. Control angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements. And know that as long as OW is in the picture, his feelings for you won't be there.

An affair is a fantasy and we compare it to a drug addiction. The WS will do almost anything to keep having access to his drug. So be prepared for that.

In the meantime, you need to make yourself the most attractive alternative.

Yes that is what I want to do. I think the A is well over and he is left with the 'bruising'.
He is coming to our place today to split firewood - his idea and one I am all for as it is a neat thing to do all together.
I said to him that I would like to see more of him. Perhaps I need to spell it out that it is up to him to initiate. This is something that previously we had slipped into the old role of me doing the initiation and him tagging along.
I really want to go over the EN but will wait.

Saturday night and he has just left (sadly but no tears!)
What a great day. We were simply together all day, splitting firewood. It was too noisy to talk and for the whole day nothing heavy spoken about. He actually pinched my behind!
I had to go to work for an hour at the pharmacy and he offered to stay at home to look after DD. He had a bath etc and I got home to dinner and a very relaxed H. He is so different to last year.
We watched TV with DD and he left at 8.30.
We were actually having some playful kisses and he is touching me more and hugging.
I feel great tonight. Would have loved for him to stay but neither of us are quite ready for that yet.
Tomorrow I have to work for 2 hours so will drop DD off and then I am attending a jewellery party, so will pick up both kids by then at about 3. Fingers crossed for more......
I love this guy. I love him, like him and just want him better and to come home.
I want to add that neither of us have had angry outbursts or shown outward disrespect. The whole saga is simply sad.
Yay the books arrived. I have ordered SAA too so that is to follow. Early night to start reading.
Until tomorrow then.

Another day down and I didn't do so well.
I dropped DD off at his place and just being in that house makes me lose all composure.
I had to work - didn't want to.
H and DD met me for a coffee and then we went our separate ways, me to a jewellery party and he to the supermarket - with my list!
I got home and read LB - boy did I do lots wrong. Why are these books not standard issue with wedding rings? According to the book I am selfish and demanding although the Taker in me makes it justified.
He dropped both kids off and left half an hour later. Big hugs and longer kisses - on the cheek though.
I know that I am not to expect the violins and roses, or any miracles for a while but I want and need more than is forthcoming. I also want and need to give more than he needs or wants at the moment.
Patience.
God I miss him.

There goes Monday and I am really not doing very well.
He came for breakfast and then I drove him around a few farms and we drafted lambs for a few hours.
I was getting worse and worse and he was trying his hardest to be cheerful.
When he dropped me back home, I really couldn't hold it together and the silent tears fell as he hugged and held me, apologising and whispering to be strong.
I was grim at work for the afternoon - even my hair is lack lustre!
I picked the kids up from his place, having first asked for them to be ready to jump into the car so I didn't have to go in. He made a special effort to hug me while I was in the car and whispered that he wants to come home and loves me.....so we drove away.
Forced cheerfulness for the kids and through dinner.
He rang and we spoke for almost half an hour. He wants to come home. He hates the agony he is inflicting on me and our DD. I think DS is better at just getting on with life. He would like to return at Easter although I said why wait. He said that he left to figure out what he really wanted to do with the rest of his life. It hasn't hit him like a thunderbolt but he is slowly, but stongly getting it that we are very important and special to his future and coming home is what he needs to do next.
I am not working this weekend and told him. He suggested us going away somewhere as the weekend are torture for both of us, no matter who has the kids. I told him straight that he needs to be speaking to me about Recovery of our marriage and the superficial cheerful stuff, although welcome, is not enough. He must come home to me. More time alone, more TV off and more babysitters hired to get alone.
He completely understands and is also looking forward to rebuilding what we had, but with the benefit of hindsight. I said that it is a hard, bumpy road but we at least have the ability to talk without anger and agree to be openly honest.
What now?
Should we both see the MC? Should we work through the EN questionnaire - perhaps we could get away on the weekend by ourselves even. Should we try to go away for a week by ourselves? Should he see his C alone again? Do I impose/suggest rules?
He asked me something that in order to answer, I had to say that I will say it straight so that he is not guessing what I mean. He totally agreed to that concept! Yay. As long as he plays that game too, we are on the road.
I am tempted to move over to Recovery board, but am not there yet.
So we will see how tomorrow goes.

Much better today and a little retail therapy in a city an hour away. H was working over there so met me for lunch and we spent an hour perusing real estate brochures for the area.
He stayed for a coffee after I brought the kids home and we got on like a house on fire.
I rang him later and invited him for dinner (chocolate self saucing pudding that he loves) and he accepted. I had expected otherwise. We had a wonderful time. Kids in top form and lots of conversation and laughing and not much eating. He said he had forgotten what it was like to have a whole family at a dinner.
SAA turned up today. I can see why nobody is replying to my rants! I hope the book is useful for the process of Repair and Recovery. I put it in his car.
Yup. Kids to bed and he is off.
Every day is progress, of that I am sure. He WILL be home and we WILL recover. I am wondering why I feel able to recover with no recriminations or finger pointing. I just want to get started and get to the fun stuff at the end.
Bit sad now. Might go to bed early.

2 days gone now and today I am feeling a bit flat, prefering to be alone, in bed or in a cave. Wondering if my 'giver' is getting fed up and the 'taker' in me is pushing me into The State of Withdrawal.
He texted me this morning - all very chatty and chirpy.
I had sent him a little hello card and he got that this evening when he got back from a meeting out of town.
He called the kids and spoke to me but I started to crumble and he asked why. He suggested that I email him as I was unable to speak properly or clearly. Thanked me for the card.
I did email him straight away. Told him that I need more, that it hurts not to know that OW has not been told that he is standing for me and his children, that I simply have to trust him but have nothing to go on, that I feel more like a sister than a wife, that he should be at home, and that maybe I am having a nervous breakdown and that if I didn't still love him, I would be ready to get on with my life and friends....so go figure.
What do you know? I get an email back half an hour later - a copy of a NC letter he has emailed the OW!!!!!
OMG!!! He has been reading the book - Surviving An Affair and copied it out almost word for word.
Of course I simply had a melt down of relief, love blah blah blah. He then called and I thanked him very much for sending the letter. He thanked me for standing by him and asked what I needed.
I have suggested a trip together to the MC - his one, my one or both together!
I will suggest tomorrow that we both read and work through the SAA as it gives wonderful guidelines on how to get started again.
He is looking forward to the positive outcome we are going to acheive and SO AM I!!!
So we shall see what happens over the next few days.
He said that he is going to expect a fall out from the OW. She has been texting and phoning him still (yes after promising me again and again to stop) and he is not really expecting her to respect his wishes (or mine). But he is ready and armed with SAA intelligence.
Onwards and upwards.
Got a nice text from a friend - when you hit rock bottom, you get to plant your feet on the ground rather than slide down the slope further.

All of 3 hours sleep last night but over all a sense of relief that the NC letter had been sent and not because I even suggested it!
Had a great day at work - busy, happy atmosphere.
He called in to pick something up and we chatted to another friend. Later we spoke outside the pharmacy and he asked what I wanted. I said to stop giving me the chirpy chatty stuff that he just gave our friend and get REAL with me. To stop being so superficial. To be honest. To go through the EN questionnaire would be a great start but to read the bit on Joint Agreement so we feel able to speak up.
20 minutes later, I was on the phone to a doctor and this large bunch of beautiful flowers turn up for me. I quite lost my concentration and tears turned on! Finished the call and read the card which thanked me for standing by him and that he loves me.
I have so much more confidence. I had to take both kids to soccer tonight and ended up standing about 10 metres away from xOW. I didn't really look at her and certainly didn't even try to smile or talk. The BEST thing was the knife was not twisting in my heart and I wasn't shaking.
Once again, we all had takeaways by the river watching the beautiful sun set and then went back to his house for a cup of tea.
The kids ran around outside with other kids and their skateboards and we started to talk......this is great. I told him that I would be honoured if he asked me to go away for 10 days or so with him, to attend MC and to work from the SAA book.
I also acknowledged that the NC letter that he sent must have been very difficult for him and that I know he will be hurting from that. I will wait for that healing too and he said he couldn't believe that I would wait more. He also said that there is no way he wants to see or contact her as it says in the book it takes 4 weeks to get over.
He wants to come home and wants to tell the kids. So I will wait for them to break the news to me.
But here is the exciting bit...he wants to take me tomorrow night to a nearby city, to attend the speedway (we both love it) and then stay overnight.....OMG!
We were all four, mellowing out in the lounge by now, rubbing tootsies (toes!) when he asked if I would like to stay the night. That is the other Best bit!
I felt it all a bit quick so declined but he knows that I was chuffed to be asked.
I give so many thanks for the progress made so far and look forward to more.

Today was pretty good all up.
DH suggested that the kids were so happy we should perhaps stay home for the evening instead of sending them off to a friends (they are thoroughly enjoying staying in town with kids everywhere, compared to our 30 acres with nobody!). I asked if he were putting the kids first, or felt uncomfortable with going away with me. "Both" was his reply. We discussed the importance of putting each other first as the kids have always come first so far. I also agreed that it was probably too early to go away together, so left it at that.
I went around at lunchtime with a few lunch supplies - lots of comfort, homely food! We spent the afternoon together looking at sections and building plans and cleaning the cars. It was quite a nice quiet time we had.
At about 4.30 I felt it was time to go. Didn't want to and he asked me to stay, but I went - some pathetic attempt at being independent and capable. Well I only lasted 2 lonely hours at home (sewing) when I rang him up. He wanted to talk more about the future so I went around again!
We all had dinner together and then before I know it, he is suggesting I stay. This time ...... I didn't!
We had our first nice kiss in ages. The moon and stars were out and the crickets singing. I said I need a few more romantic moments and that our first night is to be without the kids downstairs. Although I have the wants, I have not got the expectations though.
We have the SAA book, the EN questionnaire and know that they need to be talked about. I am waiting for him to bring that up, knowing how 'bruised' he is from the NC letter and his MLC in general. Of course I would have prefered to get started on the 'homework' yesterday. Patience.
Our conversation is about the future and looking very good. It broaches the mistakes we had made and we both know that we need to get very serious in our conversations before he is to move home.
Danine wrote out a list of do's for the FWS which I gave to him, because it put into words, what I wasn't able to. He must have read it during my lonely 2 hours, so they were worth having. Also I noticed the SAA book had been moved. Yay. We have progress.
I have so much more confidence. Only last weekend I wasn't even able to go into his house without feeling like I was intruding, or collapsing into a sobbing puddle. No worries now - well this weekend anyway.
Seeing more of him tomorrow. I am really glad that I married this man, and that I am able to wait for him as the fog is lifting rapidly and the original man is emerging. The one I love.

Just a so so day spent mainly on my own but pretty good. Read books and accomplished some sewing and made some hot cross buns.
H brought kids home mid afternoon and we just mucked around together with the campervan and mowing the lawns.
Cooked an A Grade dinner with dessert - not sure if I am actively Plan A'ing, just really want to do this anyway.
He had to leave at 7 to get on with his phone work - a regular Sunday thing for us.
Will be seeing him tomorrow briefly and all day Tuesday.
Bring on the Recovery.
I hope he brings up the need for the EN questionnaire or stuff out of the book - by himself.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

I haven't taken the time to read your tread from the beginning, but what I've read this week sounds like you are doing wonderful.You are lucky that your DH sent the NC letter and wants to come home to you, that's GREAT!

I haven't read through your thread either..

Ralfie or anybody, why is WH not living at home since the NC LETTER has been sent?

It is going to happen. We are actually both a bit scared of doing things too fast and mucking it up.
Today I had a coffee with him before work. We are both at home (my place) tomorrow staining decks and working together. He suggested that he brings around his copy of the EN questionnaire. OMG! This is something that he knows I have been wanting to do but I have refrained from pushing for it. He has also nearly finished SAA - it just gets better! He said that one of the big things he has realised is that we need to spend more time together and put the kids wants second - not to their detriment, but to the betterment of our marriage. If we are happy and fulfilled, the kids will be too.
I saw him briefly this afternoon at parent teacher interviews (our DD is doing Fabulously and we are very proud), and then we had a look at 2 sections nearby. We are both very keen to start building a new house. Although this place is perfect, it is boring and also represents an unhappy phase. He has wanted to not live in the house for a while and I came to the conclusion over the weekend that I don't either.
Real Estate agents coming for a preliminary look tomorrow.
As for moving back with me, I am waiting for him to do it. He is very welcome. As I said I am worried about it being too soon and the thought of him bumping into xOW is sickening. If he hasn't got her out of his system, this pain will be for nought and the wound would reopen. It will happen though and for this reason I would move towns. We will talk more about this, hopefully tomorrow.
I think he is waiting until Thursday - the plaster cast comes off his leg (and it smells too much to be in my bed!) and it seems that he wants to sweat it out, on his own, while he is disabled.
Honestly this broken leg has been the best thing. He is in a lot of pain in his back and other leg though as a result so needs that dealt to.
Bring on tomorrow, and Wed, Thurs and the rest of the week. Tomorrow especially.

Well a real estate agent came around and we spent an hour or so discussing the plan for the sale of our lifestyle block and lovely house. I have no idea how long it will take to sell, but look forward to a change in address.
We didn't get any staining of the steps done and attempted to discuss the EN questions of affection and sex, but DH came to the conclusion that he needs to fill it in before discussing it!
Now you might find this interesting.....I want sex more than he does! He has ALWAYS said that it is not important to him, however we shall see when we rate them in order. We both put affection up higher! So ladies it is possible that sex is not even in the top 5 for a man. I know respondents on other threads say rubbish to this, he is lying, but he wasn't.
He had to leave to get kids from school and I went to town. He texted me and asked me to come for coffee. I did.
My DH then asked me to take a load of clothes and books home - to save another trip later. I tried to sneak out with his pillow - what a laugh (had to be there). You should have seen DD's face!!
He is going to move his office desk and dressing table back home when he gets his truck back (from the panelbeaters).
It won't be long now. He is the love of my life and I can't wait.

No real talking today as he had a job to do, but he invited me along for the drive. Took all morning and we kept everything to chitchat - thoroughly enjoyed it too.
I worked this afternoon and am now at home by myself.
What do I expect?
This morning he brought back most of his shoes. He seems to be moving back in load by load.
I trust him that he has acheived what he set out to do by moving out.
I trust him that he wants to resolve our problems, and that he is just as worried about mucking it up as I am.
I trust him that he is in NC with her.
I trust him that he loves me.
I also know that he thinks of her - just like the books say. He is open enough to at least tell me that.
But do I expect more? Affection? Joy? Should I be feeling like a princess?
Am I still in too much of a hurry? Does this all come slowly back after even more work and effort. Almost 11 months since the affair was discovered. 6 weeks since he moved out to be on his own, and 1 week since the NC letter - really to give her the message to stop contacting him - the odd random phone call or text. She is probably trying to be friends but it puts him back down again and again. She hasn't contacted him since the NC email.
The plaster comes off his leg tomorrow.
I shall wait until the weekend for a moving back date or plan. It seems he is just sliding back quietly. He has a key for the house now.
Tomorrow he is coming for breakfast and we are getting into the staining of the steps - I suggested that I do it tonight but he wants to do it together. Yay. I hope to approach at least another 2 questions of EN.
Waiting waiting waiting.

Thursday done and dusted.
He turned up at 8.30am and we spent 2 hours staining steps and decks together, having a thoroughly good time.
He then suggested that we discuss the EN questions but we were having trouble so started at number 10 and worked backwards. They seemed easier. We got 5 done with some wonderful honest talking and listening.
I need to work on the appreciation of his being who he is and what he does. Sadly I seem to tell others and not him. I spent a lot of time telling my 2 close girlfriends of the wonderful things he did, never 'bagging' him. Unfortunately I did too good a job and one of those friends turned into the OW.
I also need to do more domestic support. I asked if I had improved over the last 11 months and he said definately. He said that he knew I was trying really hard and loved me doing what I did. I wonder if he thinks it is just an effort and will die away. I love building the homely atmosphere for him and the children. I hate it that I haven't been able to care for him with his broken leg.
His downfall is the amount of time he has committed to his work and the evening telephone work which goes on until late in the evening and all through breakfast. He really understood that and has already put in place measures to stop the phone intruding on our time.
I went to work this afternoon and picked the kids up afterwards, not getting home until 6.15pm.
All ****** broke lose and suddenly I felt I wasn't coping with the cooking, washing, cleaning, happy family scenario that we have enjoyed so far.
I think our DD was a bit upset over her dad being at his house, but she said she didn't want to talk about it to me or anybody else.
Nobody ate anything - really felt appreciated myself! NOT.
All in bed now and I am feeling a bit lonely, missing him.
He says he is still having his 'moments' and is coming home soon, but needs a bit longer. I can hear you all groaning. At least the cast is off the leg today and when the truck comes back from the panelbeaters he will feel a lot more complete.
I promised the 17th as my date for Plan B. It is not necessary. I have seen more of my FWH over the last 2 weeks and talked real talk with him, than over the last 2 years. OW hasn't contacted him and I asked today whether our happiness and healing completely depended on whether she contacted him or not. He replied that he is a ****** of a lot stronger now and finally can see right from wrong.
Yay again.
Did you know that I haven't cried for almost a week?

I met him at lunchtime to look at plans for a house and then saw him for dinner (with kids) after soccer. (xOW not there this time and I had a great time - like the old days).
We went for a walk afterwards (no kids) and just enjoyed company and chat. Nothing heavy. Loads of lovely compliments all evening about me and he seems quite happy that I have finally put on 2kg. (About 5 to go to lose the skeleton look).
He said he bumped into somebody at school that was going through a divorce and had been forced to put his farm on the market. DH said that our block was on the market too and that we were getting back together. Yay. For him to be saying something that positive to others is wonderful and I feel so 'built up' and secure. True, he is still not home but the feeling of security that I got from his NC letter that he wrote all by himself, is incredible.
I took DD home at about 9pm and he gave me a heavenly kiss that unfortunately got interrupted by DD squishing in between us. I wanted more!!!
The last 24 hours have been quite significant... plaster cast off, truck back from panelbeaters and his wallet found after 8 weeks lost. Perhaps he will see all of this as a sign to come home.
Onwards tomorrow. Firewood on the agenda, after working the morning.
Might have to change to Recovery pages soon......

I have really missed this board. It has been my friend for ranting and I know that gossip will not result!
In 10 days things have really moved.
We celebrated our 20th anniversary. A few days beforehand he asked what I wanted to do on the day. I didn't know what to reply - dinner in Paris would have been great!
He called later to say that he would take me away for the night and to pack some nice clothes. He said that the day was pretty special.
Couldn't wait.
Needless to say we had a glorious time together. Flowers, bit of shopping, 'mucking around' at the gorgeous hotel, dinner at a restaurant we went to years ago, more 'mucking around', more 'mucking around' the next morning, breakfast (late) and a leisurely drive home.
Since then we have had Easter. The Friday night was a bit of a fizzer and I think both of us are unsure what to do. Turns out he had packed an overnight bag, but I sent him off home without knowing! Not wanting to assume anything inappropriate!
We took the kids in the campervan to a beach camping ground and had a wonderful weekend, out and about on skateboards and bikes, in the glorious sunshine.
Coming home yesterday was a bit of a downer and I stopped coping. Just knowing that we can have a wonderful time and he lives at a different address not only kills me, but kind of makes me feel a bit used. He gets to enjoy the baking and cooking and clean home and our best behaviour, but goes home for the night. He said that his 'moments' are getting les and less but he is not quite ready.....I finally don't understand. I have completely understood up until now, but just don't get it.
I suggested that his life is for living for the 'now' and not to be lived going on the past experiences.
Well today he arrived around at 2pm and in a lovely embrace he asked whether I thought that the 'grieving' process that he is going through would be sped up by being in the company of his family. Fantastic. We talked about the opportunity to wallow in grief if he was on his own, and he said he is actually getting sick of himself. His last visit to the C confirmed that his feelings were completely normal and he will get over them. That C is a miracle worker - I could have told him that for free!
We did a couple of hours gardening then he went off home (with left overs from the fridge).
He rang later. He has told a neighbour/friend of ours that he is going home and it will most likely be this weekend. Yay.
Unable to contain myself I asked if he would like the trailer dropped around in the morning. I have to wait for the weekend.
He is my old H again. He is alive and vital, sorting things out and coming up with suggestions for our future. Talking openly and honestly and, although we still have 2 questions to go on the EN list, he is definately doing well on the affection stakes! I need to do the admiration more and more. Actually find it difficult to repeat myself when I have already said things. We are looking at Badminton together midweek and he is definately mellowing about getting a babysitter.
It can only get better.........

A terrible nights sleep.
So many questions, concern for DH, fear for this all being a waste of time and anxiety that we are possibly about to embark on a bit of a dip in our quest for recovery. I am also scared of the OW.
I need to know a bit from the point of view of the xWS.
Take into consideration that my DH has been in his own home for 8 weeks, alone apart from visits from the kids. He sent the NC letter 4 weeks ago. The OW has not replied.
The fog has been rapidly lifting over the last few weeks for him and he is tired of his own company (although a lot of time is spent with us), sick of his grief and wanting to come back.
What do I expect of the next few weeks/months?
How much grief will he go through?
How much longer?
Is being home the best thing? (I think it is)
What if the OW ambushes him with a text or call during one of her weak moments?
What can I do to help?
We have both read the SAA and agree to work with its programme.
We are both actively participating in "The Secret" - the law of attraction. Honestly, without that as well, I would have given up.
How do we both attend school functions when the xOW (xBF) will be there? We have worked so hard to become part of the school community - for the friendships as well as the support it gives the children.
What do I expect???