My wife cheated on me. I am a torn man. It is something that I can't comprehend. I went to COSTCO with a friend to get some food for a little business meeting. My wife called me and told me another friend had stopped by I said Id be home soon. SHe gave me 4 calls in thirty minutes asking where i was at. When I came home one my friend was sitting on the couch. when the business meeting was over and the guest left my house, I went in the room to make love to my wife, I put my hand on her shoulder and she started freaking out. Thats when I noticed hicky marks on her chest and a bruise on her leg and her lips were chapped. I played it off and took of her panties and they were full of ***. SHe did some stop drop and roll **** and started yelling like I was committing domestic violence, I never touched her. I left the room and calmed down. I called the dude who was at the house with her he didnt answer so went to his house and socked him in the mouth as I stood over him ready to stomp his head.
Additional Details
He went to the emergency room at midnight and didn't press charges, he changed his number, I told his wife too since she called me form the emergency room. For a week a laid on the floor in a state of denial of how my wife cheatd on me in less than a year and a half of marraige. BUt she keeps denying that anything happened and drew this **** out for six days before admitting it. We talk about repairing things, but i know she is not being honest. She has changed her password to 1977islove. It use to be the pet name I gave her. NOw its the birth year of the dude she screwed on my couch. I catch her staring at it as if she is off in la la land. So now I have to thre throw couch out. Or should I throw hew out. But then I would face the world alone. I've been blatently disrespected in my own home and I can't calm down. She brought outside parties into this her family, friends and father making it seem like I'm lying. She was fake crying on the phone talking about she gonna kill herself.


At night she sleeps on a different side of the bed, curled up in a ball facing away from me. Every now and then she would flinch and kick her legs. Will I ever be able to get her back emotionally and physically or is all lost.

We went to couples counseling five days after this event the couselor cried when I explained this situation. My wife was just defensive trying to justify her actions.

On Friday she confessed and said she regretted it, no tears or anything. She just seems mad she got caught.
We stayed up to three in the morning arguing about this crap. NOW she says she didn't do it. Cause I told her I should tell all of her friends my side of events so they can see how big of a ****** she is. I always caught her looking at other men when walking down the street and called her out about it. I've assualted men before, but it never got to this level before. As I stood over that man ready to stomp his head in, I thought to myself why would I kill for someone who doesnt love me?

I am too embarrassed to tell my family and friends about this tragedy. When I look back on events in her life I connect the dots and it seemed like a left hook hit me in the face. A lot of her old female friends have accussed her of stuff like messing with boyfriends. I admit that in the past I use to do my thing but since I've been maried I've been faithful to her, we mutually read Playboy and watch porn. Its like she the ***** in black snake moan or something.
After I initially caught her:
She tries to cover the marks up with MAC liquid pump makeup thats invisible, I went in the kitchen and got a paper towel, wet it and wiped it across her chest and told her to stop playing games. I would never hit this woman so I storm out of the room. She said she is going in the kitchen to prepare one of those bourtolli frozen dinners. She comes back out in the living room and sat on the other couch and said, "I don't see no marks". Thats when I stood up and walked over to her and grabbed her.

Her chest and left hand were nearly frozen, I asked myself how dumb does she think I am.
After I beatup the dude and came home she gave me some of the sympathy sex..I took it as I was in denial that this happened, SO now I think I need to get an AIDS test.
The next day she was peeing way to frequently, twice an hour with great urgency. I noticed a mild burning sensation at the tip of my penis. I even had to pull the car over so she could piss at a Jack in the Box.
I don't want the town to see me as a laughing stock now. How do I keep from going of the deepend and forgive a manipulative biznitch with no remorse, sympathy. I told her don't you see the humiliation this puts me in. Our friends are well aware of it. neighbors walk the halls just to listen as she dissess me, saying: I don't love her or care about her life, haha..how she still has her friends...she even said "IT is what it is". HOw do I handle this without going insane?

I told her I was going to email this story to all of her friends. She got kind of worried and embarrassed. I sent her what I would have sent to them in a text message. Now she wants to go to get a polygraph, I said no way. Why would I pay $500 when I already now shes lying.
She know she messed up now she wanna stay, saying stuff like I don't want a divorce. I told her I can't love her with 100% of my heart anymore. She started crying I said what for, "She said thats what my dad said before he left my mom." "Oh thats why your sad because you are thinking about things in the past. Im talking about the present and the future." Whenever we talk of relationships she always tries to bring up something in her childhood as an excuse. How long will she deny this event ever took place?


Is she a psychopath?
Does this mean she is lying to protect him or because she wants to stay with me?

Now she is trying to strut around like nothing happened.
I keep having to tell her, "I see the bitemarks on your chest!"

What should I do? Stay or Go. I love her so much, but it is so hard to choose what to do. Please tell me what to do.



Is she lying because she wants to stay or is she planing to let this blow over and then leave later, to make it seem like I'm crazy. She has his bite marks on the center of her chest.



Turns out this incident f'd up my job performance. I may be on the chopping block. Life sucks. And I still don't know the truth about what happened. Any Suggestions?

Kreepa,

Welcome to MB, and I am very sorry you are here. I completely understand how tramatic and painful this is.

First thing told to me was BREATHE...

Second thing is I am still learning how to get people started, so please know that people more aware of that will be along to help you on a course of action.

But BREATHE...

You are not alone on here and have come to a very safe place.

BREATHE..... You are in good hands and will get lots of help and love.

thanks...i'm terribly sad and dont know what to do.

i dont know if she was raped or cheated on me...she didnt call 911. How could she do something to this degree. I know something happened becuz she does that kick your feet stuff when she sleeps. im going crazy. I dont have a small penis either. i never ever thought something like this could happen to me in my own house.

please talk to me.

And it is sad..

Are you breathing?

I know that people are going to want to know some specific questions. How long have you been married, kids?

Have you looked on this website and read the stuff at all?

M 5/6/06
No kids together.
I read some of the stuff about "the fog" - thanks tigerswife

But i need some honest feedback from a real person.
How bad is this on a scale from 1-10.

How long have you known your wife?

I have known here since 98. We have dated exclusively since 03.

On a scale from 1-10 where does this stand in the realm of affairs?

Is this worth saving?

I am in NO POSITION to where someone's sitch is in the realm of affairs.

I can't tell you that my is just about as hopeless as they come and I still have FAITH and TRUST with my walk with G-d.

There is LOTS of work to be done, are you willing to do the work?

Please understand and I had to learn this, nothing you to TODAY OR TOMORROW will effect the outcome of what will or can happen. Gather information, ask questions and listen to those on here who help you develop a plan of action.

What have you read on here?

I read Plan A - Fix yourself
Plan B - Get away from WS

LOL, good interpretation

Have you read about the Emotional Needs? Can you afford to buy Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs?

Yes i can buy the book. I just want some people to talk to me. Its like Im down in a thirty foot ditch.

Hold on kreepa, people are here to help you. You sound very desperate, are you having any thoughts of deep despair? Is there someone you could talk to tonight? Perhaps a close friend or family member? If you feel really bad tonight call your local church. They usually have a number on the answering recording for emergencies.

Please take care of yourself and keep reading here. It may help you feel less alone if you read about others that have gone through what you are going through now.

You should have said "ok lets get the yellow book and find one." If she is lying she would back peddle on her offer. Either she was bluffing or she really didn't do anything. Either way you would have your answer with a polygraph.

Kreepa,

Almost all of us here were where you are at this moment. You are not alone.

kreepa,

She has changed her story because she doesn't feel safe with you.

She hid the truth from you, because that is what waywards do. It's the natural thing to do - lie - when caught doing what you aren't supposed to be doing. She knew she was caught and she lied. WS's tend to do that. It is the unusual one who tells the truth right from the start. Your W is no different.

But there is an added twist to your marriage and relationships, kreepa. Don't be surprised if there is more to follow that she hasn't told you. She is afraid to tell you the truth because...

You get violent. That's scary, kreepa.

Get that under control. It doesn't have anything to do with whether you hit HER or not. You hit people. That is completely uncool. No excusing that behavior at all, and you are lucky at this point the OM hasn't filed charges. He still could. Count your blessings, and keep your hands to yourself.

You will want to work on that part of yourself - just for future reference.

When an affair is discovered, it is natural to feel anger, and then pain, and then desperation. It's also natural to swing from mood to mood, and not to feel stable from moment to moment about what you want or need from the relationship. That's why you will be given this advice:

Don't make any decisions about your marriage right now. Give it a couple of months, maybe up to six months or more, before you decide what you are going to do.

That will give you time to cool off, calm down, and figure out what YOUR role was in this marriage, and what YOU did to set the stage in the relationship for the conditions to be ripe for her to have an affair. Because you had your role in the state of the marriage for this to have happened.

She is 100% responsible for having the affair - that is on HER. She did not have to choose to go that direction. She could have chosen to talk things out with you, asked you to go to counseling, or any number of other possible solutions. But the affair was no solution - it has only added to problems which were likely present in the relationship prior to the affair.

What to do?

1. Calm down.
2. Recognize that you only control yourself. So grab yourself by the shoulders, shake yourself, and take control of what you are doing.
3. Stop thinking about hitting people. And stop doing that - and don't do it again.
4. Begin to focus on what you can do to improve your contributions to this marriage. Consider the things you GIVE to this marriage, and what you TAKE. Become a GIVER for awhile. And read up on givers and takers, and start to understand that process.
5. Stsrt Plan A.
6. Your wife may have more to tell you about the affair. You need to make things safe for her to do that. Plan A starts you on the road, but you will need to also look at professional counseling for this marriage.
7. Read up on your emotional needs, her needs, and start working on meeting hers - that is your job, and part of the reason for affairs is unmet needs.
8. Order one of the books "Surviving an Affair" or "After the Affair". Read it. Read this website, and learn what you can (and you don't have Plan B right at all). Read everything here that Dr. Harley has to offer. It is all very good, and you need to learn about affairs. The more you understand that the recovery process follows a somewhat predictable pattern, the better able you will be to control your emotions and reactions, and the more stable you will be and feel.
9. Read and post here. When people answer you or ask you questions, remember they are here to help you. You might not always like their answers, but many times the answers you like the least are those you should listen to the most. This is because we often have the instinct to reject that which we don't want to do - because it is HARD to do, not because it isn't the RIGHT thing to do. In the case of affairs, sometimes the right thing to do is hard, and also counter-intuitive. Listen to everyone.

Finally, even though your emotions are running high

think
before
you
act


because you need more time right now to think of the right thing to do.

Hang in there.

Schoolbus

saumico
I took her to get the poly and she passed. People are telling me shes a psycopath.

thanks for the response schoolbus. i really appreciate it.

For a young marriage with no kids, the easiest and least painful path is a divorce. That is a simple statement of fact, and not a recommendation. You will have to choose whether to try and save your M or not, and you will get plenty of support on here no matter what you choose.

Are you saying the poly said she was raped? From your description, infidelity sounds much more likely than rape.

Go to a doctor about your penis burning. Hopefully it is just a bladder infection. You will need several rounds of STD testing. Do not neglect this or put it off.

Schoolbus - agree completely, good post.

Also, over-the-counter Pyridium can treat the urgency and pain of a UTI while you are trying to get into the doctor's office, if that is indeed what is causing it.

What questions were asked in the polygraph test?

have u any sexualpartners besides your husband since u have been married?

did u have sex with him?

did he force himself on u?

have u seen him since that day?

she had low passes on the test. but before the exam she excused herself to the bathroom. i dont know if you can tak epills or something to help u pass, but i swear i heard pills being opened. its a very quiet a serious environment in the testing centers.

thats why people ask is she a psychopath.

about being raped im not sure...she freaks makes a sound of pain when i have sex with her and cries...im scared. i hope my story doesnt sound crazy. i dont know what to do. i grew gray hair over this.

Here is something I found on psychopath, does this sound like your wife?

A psychopath will use people for excitement, entertainment, to build their self-esteem and they invariably value people in terms of their material value (e.g. money, property, comfort, etc..). They can involve and get other people into trouble quickly and they seem to have no regret for their actions. To date there is no checklist of behavior and symptoms that will tell you with certainty whether or not a person is a psychopath. But there are warning signs. The following warning signs are based on my experience but primarily research conducted by Robert Hare, Ph.D - the leading expert on the Psychopathic Personality.

Characteristics of a Psychopath
superficial charm
self-centered & self-important
need for stimulation & prone to boredom
deceptive behavior & lying
conning & manipulative
little remorse or guilt
shallow emotional response
callous with a lack of empathy
living off others or predatory attitude
poor self-control
promiscuous sexual behavior
early behavioral problems
lack of realistic long term goals
impulsive lifestyle
irresponsible behavior
blaming others for their actions
short term relationships
juvenile delinquency
breaking parole or probation
varied criminal activity

The idea that psychopaths eat people is a myth. In reality, a person with a psychopathic personality can lead what appears to be an ordinary life. They can have jobs, get married and they can break the law like anyone else. But their jobs and marriages usually don’t last and their life is usually on the verge of personal chaos. They are almost always in some kind of trouble or they are not far from it.

A psychopath is usually a subtle manipulator. They do this by playing to the emotions of others. They typically have high verbal intelligence, but they lack what is commonly referred to as "emotional intelligence". There is always a shallow quality to the emotional aspect of their stories. In particular they have difficulty describing how they felt, why they felt that way, or how others may feel and why. In many cases you almost have to explain it to them. Close friends and parents will often end up explaining to the psychopath how they feel and how others feel who have been hurt by him or her. They can do this over and over with no significant change in the person's choices and behavior. They don't understand or appreciate the impact that their behavior has on others. They do appreciate what it means when they are caught breaking rules or the law even though they seem to end up in trouble again. They desperately avoid incarceration and loss of freedom but continue to act as if they can get away with breaking the rules. They don't learn from these consequences. They seem to react with feelings and regret when they are caught. But their regret is not so much for other people as it is for the consequences that their behavior has had on them, their freedom, their resources and their so called "friends." They can be very sad for their self. A psychopath is always in it for their self even when it seems like they are caring for and helping others. The definition of their "friends" are people who support the psychopath and protect them from the consequence of their own antisocial behavior. Shallow friendships, low emotional intelligence, using people, antisocial attitudes and failure to learn from the repeated consequences of their choices and actions help identify the psychopath.

Psychopaths with low intelligence or a poor education seem to end up in jail more than ones with a higher education. The lack of emotional insight is the first good sign you may be involved with a psychopath. The second best sign is a history of criminal behavior in which a person does not seem to learn from their experience, but merely thinks about ways to not get caught.

So what happens to these poor kids if they don’t learn right from wrong? Parents with a child like this usually end up angry and frustrated. They will often shield their child from the consequences of their decisions and take the role of continuously trying to educate their child as to right and wrong. The child is always in trouble and doesn’t seem to learn. Their parents may begin to excuse their child's behavior believing their child will eventually "get it." When they don't, many parents resort to punishment. But what these children need is intensive guidance, instruction, training, choices, consequences and supervision. Severe and repeated punishment alone is the worst thing you can do. Letting a child like this run around unsupervised with violent and antisocial children is almost as bad. And child abuse is a sure way to create a social misfit or a monster.

There is a growing discussion among researchers to suggest there may be a genetic influence that creates a psychopathic personality. The psychopath may lack the ability to physically feel what others identify as the physical sensation of guilt. They can feel fear, anger, sadness in the moment but not guilt for what they did or what they are about to do. Some sociologists believe that a sexually promiscuous psychopath who can live off others is a survivor and may represent one of many genes for survival in the human species. Even more surprising has been the observation that many adult psychopaths do not seem to benefit from support, counseling or therapy and may in fact commit crimes again and sooner because of it. Research using brain scanning technology has revealed that the brain of a psychopath functions and processes information differently. One famous brain imaging study showed that psychopaths can remain calm looking photos of dead bodies in automobile accidents where as other people were clearly upset. They don't use their brain they way others do. This suggests that they may be physically different from normal people.

Are you involved with a psychopath? You may not know because they can be very charming and friendly until you get close and disappoint them. Don’t assume anyone is a psychopath based on their behavior alone. It is the pattern of their life and many other factors. Please don’t go around assuming or calling someone a psychopath just because they may have some of the warning signs. Get a professional opinion from a qualified mental health professional if you think you are involved with a psychopath.

I agree that something isn't right but I can't tell you what. I just posted something on psychopaths. The key to figuring out if this applies to your WW is her past behavior. Take out her A and look at the rest. She very well may have been raped. She could feel she brought it on herself. Victims of rape do not always react the same way. Some don't even realize they have been raped until years later.

Someone here said you are not making it safe for her to talk to you and I have to agree. What would make you feel better, the truth? If that is your goal you have to make a safe invironment for her to tell you the truth. From what you have told us about your reaction I wouldn't want to talk to you for fear of your reaction. Even if I was raped I wouldn't feel safe telling you. Is there someone in your life that your WW trusts? Could that person talk to your wife?

As for the pills, there may be something you can take but pills take time to get through your system. How long was it from when you think you heard her taking pills and the actual test?

Also you said people ask is she a psychopath. What people?

Finally I didn't see a time line. When did this happen? When did she take the test?

we walked into the office and sat down filled out the paperwork. she then excused herslf to the restroom. we discusssed the reason for being hear for thirty minutes after she came out. I left the room and she took the test.

she took the test two months after dday

Am I crazy for still being in this marriage?
Someone talk some sense into me.

Hello is anyone there?

Hey K,
I am here. I lost track of your post. How are you doing today? What is going on?

K,
Here are 2 questions I had asked you before.

Also you said people ask is she a psychopath. What people?

Finally I didn't see a time line. When did this happen? When did she take the test?

Could you answer them? It is especially important to know the time line in order to help you. Give as much info as you feel comfortable with starting with when you met, got married, when the Affair happened etc.

No you are not crazy. Do you want someone to talk sense into you or do you want someone to talk you into something? Only YOU can decide if you want to remain married to your wife.
Do you still love her?
Do you trust her?
Do you think she still loves you?
Do you think your wife is afraid of you and your reactions?

Kreepa,

I walked in on my wife and OM, also on my couch. By walked in, I mean they were screwing when I opened the front door. My d-day was about 20 months ago. My W was honest, transparent, and remorseful from the beginning. She told me OM's name, cell number, etc. I've done everything humanly possible to make sure it's completely over.

Even so, I have plenty of days when I'm a wreck. To this day, I wish I had killed him and said I thought he was a rapist. God knows what will happen if I ever see him out in public.

In your case, I don't know what to say. Your W sounds a little off-kilter. Don't hit her, no matter what. She will rip you apart during a divorce if you've got that on your record.

I've been married for 12 years and have 2 kids. I decided to try this one time, and it's been the most difficult thing I've ever tried, including raising children. If I was nearly a newlywed, I think I'd cut my losses and start over.

Married 5/6/06
D-Day 9/29/07
Poly 11/30/07

I'm screwed, huh.

How do I add this to my signature so I dont have to retype it all the time.

I love her
I don't trust her. She seems to lie about the most insignificant of things
I don't know if she loves me...she says so but I just don't know.
She knows I would never touch her..is that why she pulls of crap like like this?

O.k. I will say it. You are crazy. You have been married for less than 2 years and she has put you through ******. She lies about everything so how in the ****** could you ever trust or believe in her. She is at the very least a compulsive liar. You virtually catch her having sex with another man in your home which is the ultimate in disrespect and total distain for you and your relationship. Do you really need to have a piano fall on your head to understand you should leave this marriage and stop her from destroying your life?

I am not sure how to add that to your sig but someone else may be able to help you out.

So here are your stats
Met 98
Started dating exclusively 03
Married 5/6/06
D-day 9/29/07
Poly 11/30/07
No kids

You still haven’t answered this question.

Also you said people ask is she a psychopath. What people?

Before D-day what was your relationship like? Start with the dating years from 03.
I have to tell you, if she has cheated on you this early in the marriage it may be best if you walk away before children are involved.

You said she knows you wouldn’t hurt her but I don’t know if that is true. She has seen your violent side and may feel you will hit her in the future. Have you been violent with others in the past? EG, getting into fights at bars etc. I would strongly advise you to STOP the violence and get into IC.

What has been going on in your marriage after the poly test back in November?

Has there been any infidelity in your relationship by either of the 2 of you in the past (with the exception of what you have already told us)