I NEED ADVICE FROM SOMEONE IN SAME SITUATION!

Just to give you a little history about my situation…I have been married to a wonderful husband for over 14 years (and I mean that in every way!) We have one son who is 12. I had an affair 8 years ago for 2 years with an older man. My husband found out and we stayed together. Neither one of us went to counseling. We decided to reconcile because I did not love this person and did not want to lose my husband. We were married at the ages of 19 (me) and 21 (him) and had our son only after one year of marriage. Neither of our parents is divorced. We grew closer and for a few years and I did everything I thought possible to make the situation better for him and I was genuinely sorry and hurt for what I had done to him. I put myself in his shoes and felt his pain – I am sure not to the extent that he did but I knew what I had done. We have a large amount of debt and live with my parents. The debt is my fault due to gambling. I have went back to the gambling a few times over the past 5 years thinking that I might win and it would make him happy (stupid, I know) but have completely stopped for about a year now and we are making great progress in paying off our debt.

However, for the past to years I have been in contact with a former co-worker who lives in another state. We became great friends and talked very often. After I went to another job, we continued to talk and I even purchased a cell phone that I kept hidden from my husband so that I could keep in touch with him. The “friend” now claims to be in love with me and says that he wants me for himself. I do like him a lot. Since the affair, everything has been good with my husband and myself I thought but my husband claims that is not so. He says that I have never met his emotional and physical needs ever – even since the first day of our marriage (ouch – that one really cut to the bone). Now I find myself not being able to let go of the friendship with the other person. It has never been physical and I am not having an affair – only emotional I guess. He is exactly the type of person I have always wanted to be with but for what seems to be the wrong reasons. He is funny, flirty, sexy, and we share the exact same interests in having fun. I adore him and think he is very special. But I don’t know if he could ever love me as deep as I know my husband loves me and that scares me. I told my husband I wanted a divorce a few months ago because the lying and stress from talking to the other guy was just too much and I did not see anything changing between my husband and I. We are not affectionate. He is still resentful – and has every right to be. But even after everything I have done I crave that affection and the feeling that I am number one in someone’s life. The “friend” does not see that I am “ruined”…he sees me talking to him and knows that I am married but also knows that I will not cross the line and have another affair. The “friend” is willing to move to the city that I live and leave his two kids to be with me.

My husband is one of a kind. He is honest, trustworthy, responsible. He is a wonderful father (even though he could do more with our son). But his personality is like a piece of wood. He has no hobbies, no friends, no interests. He never goes out and does anything on his own. He focuses on me totally and does everything to make me happy but this has caused me to lose interest in him. He shut down after the affair. He doesn’t talk much and we do not do things together because of our financial burden (I would do things anyway but obviously he is the more responsible one when it comes to money) When we do go and do things together, I think about the other guy and how much fun it would be to be with him. My husband has ALWAYS complained that I do not give him enough sexual attention and I get so sick of hearing it. I can’t sleep with him if I don’t feel like I am in love with him anymore. He is a very good looking guy physically – but emotionally it is just not there. When we are intimate, it is great. We don’t kiss goodnight – he doesn’t touch me. I don’t touch him. When we do get around to having sex, it is the best in the world. He knows me and knows what I like in bed. He pleases me. But I just can’t let go of the love he gives me. I don’t give it back like I should and I know that. It’s just a continuous cycle. I don’t think I can get it back.

If anyone has ever been in this same situation, please help me. I think by getting a divorce it will devastate him. I would take all of the debt so that he can do things and be free from that burden. But I feel like I have done him so wrong all these years and that by divorcing him I would just be the most cruel, insensitive, selfish person in the whole world. But is it more selfish to not let him go and find someone that would make him happy? He says he loves me but I don’t think I make him happy. Wouldn’t it be less selfish to let him go? If you love someone, set them free.

I'm a BS and I must say (excuse me if I'm out of line)....but, it's damn foggy in here.

I ditto introvert.

Your husband is a loving man who forgave you of your sorrid affair. He forgave you your gambling addiction that ruined him. He took back the monster that hurt him.

Now you want to do it again? Because he's boring?

You need to seek counseling.

There are time I wish I could reach through the computer and.....

rain,

you are actively engaged in an affair right now.

This site is for people who want to SAVE their marriages.

Do you really expect folks here to tell you that what you're doing is OK?

My advice is to immediately confess your new adultery to your loving husband. Confess every sordid detail HE needs.

You need to write a no contact letter to the philandering piece of [censored] that is trying to ruin the lives of your husband and son, and have your husband approve and send it to him.

You must NEVER speak to your infidelity partner again. FOR LIFE! You can not re-establish feelings for your husband unless you do this. He did not deserve the pain and suffering you dealt him last time, and he still found it in himself to give you another chance. He deserves so much better than this from you.

Stop acting like a cheap piece of trash and start being honest with your husband. You do realize that if your "boyfriend" had even a shred of respect for you he would not be engaging you in this way. He's going to leave his kids to be with YOU? Is that the kind of person you want to be with? Do you think you have a future with this scumbag? Don't you realize that most likely YOU will be the next one he'll F around on?

What you are doing is inexcusable and despicable. Don't you have any concern at all for your son? Do you really want him to know that this is your true character?

KNOCK IT OFF!!!

Pull your head out of your selfish a** and do what's right.

Well, I was gonna post, but the other 2x4's pretty much summed it up.

The rain might be gone, but seeing clearly still seems to be a problem.

Your friend is no friend of your marriage if he would pursue a relationship with you. What you are experiencing is known as an emotional affair. While you might not have actually run of to spend the night with this guy, the damage to the relationship with your husband is just as real as if you had been sleeping with this guy for years.

Part of the excitement from any new relationship is related to chemicals that act on the brain. An attraction to someone new causes an increase in levels of testosterone in both men and women. This is the chemical that causes the sex drive and a desire to mate.

But something else that happens is that it also causes a decrease in a chemical called oxytocin that is responsible for the "nesting instinct." It reduces your desire for your current partner and causes you to focus more and more on this new potential mate.

That's part of the chemistry of it...

Statistically, if you leave your husband for this new guy you stand about a 3% chance of ending up married to him. And to make things even worse, if you do actually do marry him; you have a 3 in ten chance of it lasting 5 years.

Also from the statistical side of things, second marriages seldom report being happier than the first marriage for either spouse.

If you read the Q&A columns linked in the NAV bar at the top of the screen that relate to infidelity, you should see what you should do to handle this situation. You might also learn what you should do to prevent it from happening again in the future by reading those columns, the articles and the basic concepts.

You might also want to look for the website of the late Shirley Glass and read her information on Not Just Friends including taking the quizzes that are on the site.

If you end the relationship with this OM, you will experience withdrawal similar to someone attempting to stop doing drugs. You will be depressed, moody, and angry and all the rest that goes with withdrawing from an addiction, which is what you are actually experiencing with this OM. You are, in fact, addicted to the feelings he creates in you.

But once you complete withdrawal from this OM, you will find yourself having fewer complaints about your husband and eventually, if you do the right things and follow the Marriage Builders methods of building a healthier and more fulfilling marriage, your desire for your husband too will begin to return.

Or you can just throw away the marriage to the guy who has stood by you, helped you through troubles, forgiven you for past transgressions and run off to see if this OM can make you happy in the long run.

And just so you know, your problems are far from unique. You are feeling, experiencing and doing and saying exactly what every wayward or potentially wayward spouse has ever done, said and felt.

Read the basic concepts. Read the Q&A columns. Read the articles. Read some of the threads on this forum and others on this site. Order the book Fall In Love Stay In Love and read it too.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. If you want to rebuild your marriage, it's a great place to be and result in you having the marriage of your dreams to the man of your dreams. But OM ain't likely to be him...

Mark

Let's see...

1. you had an affair 8 years ago that lasted 2 years
2. you were good "for a few years" (except for racking up gambling debt and which you admittedly have gone back to over the last 5 years)
3. you live with your parents because of the debt you caused,
4. for the past 2 years you have been cheating again (yes you're cheating, hiding a cell phone, carrying on a relationship with another man outside of your marriage)
5. now you're thinking about divorcing your husband because HE'S not good enough?

You don't say how long you've been married but by the age of your son who is 12 (that you had a year after you married) I'd say you've been married 13 years? And of that 13 years, you've cheated for 4 of them?

Why are you here? To rebuild your marriage? Or to get advice on how to cake eat?

You need help. I feel sorry for your son. Imagine what you're teaching him about relationships and VOWS.

rain

First sorry to see you here but at least its where you will get some solid honest advice... some 4x2's as well when required .. but where most want your M to recover and thrive

I am a FWW so I have no bone to pick or anything with you but perhaps I can be really honest and say to you some things that though they may hurt may also help you and your family.

the first thing you need to accept and understand is very simple .... you are having another affair, emotional or physical does not matter, experience from this site and Dr Harleys & other national and international research demonstrates that an affair is an affair full stop. NO EXCUSES. YOU ARE IN AN AFFAIR RIGHT NOW

Why do posters say its foggy here .. well they are referring to your reasoning and justifications for your past and present actions as you have described them. When you are in an affair your reasoning is .. well .. CRAP. I've been there rain so I know.

Why is there no or little emotional relationship between your H and yourself? I would guess at a number of things ...
first the affair you had some years again was NEVER addressed never closed off and so little of the damage to your M was repaired ... ... the old brush it under the carpet thing

second the pain inflicted on your H and the loss of trust was probably never addressed and so he probably has been reluctant to place his trust in you again ... and lets be blunt ... you have again shown he was right not to trust you wasn't he?

third I would take a guess and say that neither you or your H talk about the difficult issues because he doesn't trust you and you want to run away from them ... eg not providing for each others emotional needs etc etc as you are too busy talking to a boyfriend and he's not willing to put himself out there to be hurt again

fourth is simple... how could you feel anything for H romantically when you are giving your attention to the OM? what about investing the time in learning to relate with your H even if that means counseling ?

So I would advise you REALLY need to do a number of things

STOP ALL CONTACT WITH THE OM RIGHT NOW

TELL YOUR H

SEND A NO CONTACT LETTER TO THIS OM AND LET YOUR H SEE IT AND WATCH YOU EMAIL IT

CHANGE YOUR EMAIL RIGHT AFTER

CHANGE YOUR PHONE IF YOU HAVE TOO

SEND ANY LAND MAIL BACK "NO LONGER THIS ADDRESS"

AND ... ARRANGE FOR COUNSELLING


Your OM is living in a fantasy as you are over his proposed plans ... but you probably wont want to hear this.
Rain when things are difficult in a M its just so easy to live a fantasy that your knight in shining armour is going to come galloping over the hill and rescue you.
But just think a moment ..... Your shining knight doesn't have to take the garbage out... have the kids run havoc when peace & quiet is wanted... struggle to make a living to put a roof over your familys head .... pay the car repair bills .... insurance .... yadda yadda yadda if you see where I am going. And of course if you are working as well theres little 'grown up ' time between your H and yourself and before you know it you are finding reasons NOT to spend time togther

But think, how would your OM react to that every day grind of life?
Would you even WANT a man who abandons his kids? think on that one .. would you like this man around YOUR kids?
And think on this ...Any man who cheats with you will cheat on you .. look at the stats on how long relationships last between cheaters .... not a recipe for happiness you know

Rain you have damaged your M seriously .. and yes your H holds some responsibility for allowing the M to get where it is just as your are... BUT you and only you are responsible for choosing to have 2 affairs. See there are heaps of reasons why we FWW can say we had affairs, BUT THERE ARE NO EXCUSES. We need to own our decisions and yes sadly live with the consequences.

Is there hope for your M and family .. YES but YOU are going to ahve to work especially hard

you really need to start working on YOU and your M with your H if you want it to survive .... from today
I would REALLY REALLY advise you ring the Harleys here and get some advice and counselling. I know its not cheap but have you researched what a divorce costs?? $$$

If there are local counsellors available make sure you choose a pro M one, far too many MC's just want to make it easy for you to divorce and THAT is not good for kids unless they are leaving an abusive situation etc. A family unit where possible is the best why to bring up kids and this is supported by the latest research all over the world. Thats another issue you need to consider

OK RAIN so start first of all by ending contact with OM .... tell your H because really he needs to know if he wants the M as well as you ... just be straight forward & say that you see the two of you as distant and have found you are attracted to this man(the OM) & realise it has got too intense ... ans ANY questions he has honestly .... tell him about no contact .... ask him to read your no contact letter ... SHOW him you are willing to take steps to protect him .... apologise for YOUR actions .... ask him to work with you to save your M .... DONT defend your actions in the past or now but admit you were wrong no excuse .... Don't have a slanging match over 'you did Vs I did' ... go get professional MC urgently

rain its really in your hands, do you want your M or not?

I agree 100%. Did you come here to "confess" to make yourself feel better? You are doing all of these immature, unfair things to your family because your husband is "boring"? Ouch. If you want to make it work, you need to get some couseling for addiction - it sounds like you have a very addictive personality and that needs to be addressed before anything will improve.

Think of it as an addiction. You are not in your right mind. You are addicted to a poison. From the inside it doesn't look like that. Trust us from the outside. You need to go cold turkey and you cannot do that alone. Expose the affair to your H. Send a NC letter. Change all the information you must in order to protect yourself from your addiction.

Yeah...you got dumped on. What did you do or not do in your marriage?

He is not leaving his kids. He only gets them on the weekends because he travels. He will continue to do that.

My son sees an unhappy home. Do you really think that I would not have any f@#$ing concern for my son? No way! Why do you think this is so hard.

You are divorced too....so what went wrong with u?

Mark,

Thank you for your advice. Of all of the replies, you made the most sense and you were the most helpful. I appreciate your stern but realistic point of view. I will take into consideration what you are saying. Again, thank you.

Here is the part that I simply can not comprehend:

The current OM said he is willing to leave his 2 kids behind to join her in the town where she lives.

If any man ever told me he was going to leave his 2 kids, I would tell him he is a selfish piece of crap, and I would never speak to him again.

Why is it, exactly, that this wonderful man would leave his 2 children behind, and come live close to you? To pursue the type of "fun" you two like to have? Maybe even some hot, steamy, wild SF? Wow. That sounds like a great reason to abandon 2 children.
Great guy you found there.

Those two children did not ask to come into this world. They did not get to choose parents. They were likely born out of a night of hot, steamy, wild SF. Yor mans pursuit of fun. Perhaps he didn't "wnat" to have children, but his object of passion for those 2 occasions "got herself knocked up anyway".

Thing is - it doesn't matter if he wants to raise those kids or not. they are HIS. He has an obligation to them. To help them get through childhood with as few scars as possilbe.

Would this man drop his kids off with a child molester, and let them be abused? I hope not. and why not? Because the abuse they would suffer at the hands of a child molester would leave scars in the heart, their minds, their souls, for EVER.

Abandoning them would do the same thing. Leave a scar in their minds for EVER.

If he packs up and moves away, to go live close to the woman who "likes to have fun the way he does" the children will have scars. Forever. The memory that their own dad,their own dad packed up and left them behind. Did not care enough to stick around. And don't give me any crappy line about how they would come to visit for a week at Christmas and 6 weeks in the summer. That is NOT the same as an active father, showing up at baseball games, and taking them to McDonalds for a coke, showing up at parent teacher conferences.

It is time that you - and he, both quit thinking about what makes you feel good right now. Quit looking for a "high" from gambling, or a "high" from some man paying attention to you. Try looking for the high that comes from doing great things for other people.

Do the right thing. Tell this man that he needs to stay right where he is and raise wonderful children.Get rid of that cell phone. Stop cold turkey. And quit whineing about how you never go anywhere and have any fin. For crying out loud, you put yourself in this mess with yoru gambling! buckle down, work two jobs if you ahve to, and pay off your debts. Then book a nice cruise with yoru H and tell him how thankful you are to be his W.

And starting today, never, ever go to bed again without kissing that man good night. start every day, and end every day with a kiss. Whether you "feel" like it or not. You will see that after time, you feel like doing it more often.

I am here because my husband asked me to post our situation. You think I don't think about my child. Because I have had an affair in the past and I am talking to a friend does not make me a cruel mother. I feel sorry for my son too. He doesn't see happiness in the home - just cold, crap and living with his grandparents is pretty messed up to. I love my son. How dare you

Rain, you will be circling the drain if you ignore the seasoned posters.

Your OM will drop you like third period french once your faults outweigh the free snatch he's gettin and you will be left just like my ex-wife.

Ruined and alone.

Rain,

How could your H ask you to post here about your situation? He has no idea what it is.

God's Blessings,

Say

But wait, aren't you having to live with grandparents because YOU gambled the money away? I'm trying to figure out how hooking up with the OM will help that situation.

FOR THE LAST TIME....HE IS NOT DESERTING HIS KIDS.

HE IS ALREADY DIVORCED. HAS BEEN FOR MANY YRS NOW. HIS KIDS ONLY SEE HIM ON THE WEEKENDS ANYWAY. IT WILL NOT BE ANY DIFFERENT AND HE WILL KEEP HIS HOUSE IN HIS HOME CITY.

YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT HIM AND HE IS A GREAT GUY **********. HE WAS MARRIED TO THEIR MOTHER FOR 14 YRS.

YOU KNOW, YOUR ADVICE IS GOOD AND I BELIEVE YOU ARE SINCERE BUT YOU DON'T KNOW THE WHOLE STORY.

DOESN'T MEAN IT WILL HELP....JUST HAS HAPPENED.

Why do you think a guy in a relationship with a married woman is a "great guy" ??

Just curious!

YOU HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR THREE YRS....WHY DON'T YOU CHECK BACK IN ANOTHER 12 AND SEE IF YOU FEEL THE SAME....HOPEFULLY YOU WILL. I DON'T WISH THIS ON ANYONE.

*******************

If this is the only reason you are here, and it may seem like I'm just repeating the question, but.....why are you here again?


He's not your "friend"...he is now referred to as "OM". If you have an "OM", and you do have an OM (I won't go so far as to say that you are a cruel mother), but a mother with an OM is not exactly Mrs. Brady...you take that for what you think it's worth.

What are you planning on doing to make life better for your son, because having an affair isn't working, is it?

Not sure if you know, but typing in all caps is considered bad internet manners.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT THE OM. THIS IS ABOUT BEING UNHAPPY AND IF IT WILL EVER CHANGE. OBVIOUSLY, THERE IS SOMETHING LACKING IN MY MARRIAGE AND HAS BEEN SINCE DAY ONE.

Rewriting your marital history.

Fogspeak.

P.S
in an earlier post you said:

But then you say:

I know that right now it seems like you could make this work. He would move to your state, and still see the kids ever other weekend.
but please hear me when I tell you that this sort of thing puts such a huge burden on the kids. The older they get, the more activities they have. GF, or BF, foot ball games, that sort of thing. I don;t know how far the drive would be from their state to yours, but it sounds like it would be too far to go for just a quick dinner, or to sit at a football game on a Friday night. Your OM would miss so much of the simple pleasures of raising great kids. he needs to live close enough that if they need him in the middle of the night, he can be there in 15 mintues. They need to know that there is man in this world who will do that for them.

And later, when their lives become too busy on the weekends, they will resent him, and you, if they have to pack up and drive to another state to visit a dad who didn;t care enoguh about them to stay close by.

I PLAN ON SETTING AN EXAMPLE OF HAPPINESS FOR MY SON BECAUSE HE'S NOT SEEING THAT NOW AND HASN'T IN A LONG TIME.

LIKE I SAID....I AM HERE BECAUSE HE ASKED ME TO. I ASKED HIM THE SAME QUESTION.

Does he know about your current A?

No...I am new to this....I work full time.....their are a lot of people in this world with too much time on their hands...

sorry about the all caps

Well, this site is called "Marriage Builders". If you aren't here to save your marriage, you need to google "divorce lawyers"...son or no son. You are making your home just as cold for your son as your husband is...quite frankly. And, given the fact that your H asked you to join this club, he is a step up on you in trying to recover your marriage...IMO.

Oh he knows.

Your son will see no example of happiness if you continue in your relationship with your new adultery partner. God does not bless relationships which begin like this, and you are sentencing your child to years of misery.

If you cannot save your marriage, you might consider swearing off ANY relationships for a couple of years at least.

There is no happiness in a broken family especially if you are trying to blend it with another broken family and replace his good loving Dad with a man who puts no value on marriage.

Setting an example!!!???

I am an adulterous woman who has done nothing but hurt your father is a good EXAMPLE???!!!

You are soooo in the fog!

Your OM is a scumbag who is sticking a knife in your sons heart and something else in you!

Truth stings like hell, don't it?

OH PLEASE....give me a break

How did your husband find out? Did you confess or were you busted?

Question to ponder:
If you could have the tools guaranteed to fix this marriage, would you want to?

Why are you here?

Is this a joke?

Divorce absolutely IS NOT an example of happiness.

Going and shoving your snatch in some stranger's face absolutely is not an example of happiness to your child.

It makes his mother a cheating *****.

Starting to sem like it lol.

No it's not. But what's done is done. You think I don't regret the affair. That is why I won't cross the line into another physical relationship. Leaving or not leaving has nothing to do with the OM. It has everything to do with my current situation and being able to get over everything.

Read up on Fog Babble. You could have written the book.

Whatever...you must be a man....everything to you guys is physical. Typical

Yeah sure, your track record is so good!

Fog babble.

If OM has nothing to do with it then why your sickening pining for him as your soulmate?

You posting about him make me wan to vomit.

This quote seems to contradict this line, copied straight from your previous post.

"I told my husband I wanted a divorce a few months ago because the lying and stress from talking to the other guy was just too much"

Please. It's not "done". And there isn't one person in this forum that doesn't think that you would be more than happy to jump on OM's #$%^ and have a ride if he ever showed up and asked you to, so your whole "I won't cross the line" thing is falling upon deaf ears.

The only thing that is "done" is your marriage if you don't wake up and smell the [censored] coffee.

Well rain, you are a proven liar so pretty much everything you say is probably geared toward justifying why you are going to go throw your snatch at some stranger.

I suspected troll too at the first post, maybe not.

Rain, you asked how dare I question your ability as a mother? Because I'm a mother AND a grandmother and I've been married for 30+ years. More importantly, I'm a betrayed spouse. Yep, BETRAYED. That's what you do when you CHEAT. You BETRAY your spouse. Your son sees his MOTHER doing this, what do you think he's going to think?

Sorry, you don't get a free pass because you're "unhappy". Be a DECENT person and divorce your husband FIRST before you begin a relationship with another man. TEACH your son some values. Better yet, HONOR your marriage vows.

You SAY your husband asked you to post. If that's so, then ask him for me to start his own thread. I'm sure there are some betrayed men on here that would love to help him.

What you don't realize is that everything you've described has been said a thousand times on this site by former wayward spouses. You're not special and you're not unique.

Grow up and start understanding that you are HURTING your family with your SELFISHNESS (if you're for real, that is).

BTW: My FWH did the right thing and we've been recovered now for nearly four years.

If you seriously want advice here, then take it and quit being so immature and defensive. You caused this, no one else - so either be willing to take stock of your poor choices and woMAN up or quit wasting these people's time.

********

Tou are so [censored] clueless about how you are killing the 2 men in your life.

You are soooo not a real woman!

I write to you from a heart that is literally crying out to stop you from making a HUGE mistake.

My Ex left me for another woman 5 years ago. 5 years ago today in fact. I was not fun enough for him. She treated him like he was the most important thing in the world, and appanrtly I did not do that. Of course I was busy working to pay down bills he created buying his toys. And cleaning a house, raisng 2 kids, keeping up our farm. I could go on.....

6 months after our D she had dropped him like a hot potato. Apparntly she was not interested in making him feel so important anymore. So he found another married woman. She left her H, the two of them got married, and lived happily ever after - or not.
I have seen him once in the past 2 years and he looks like a miserable shell of the man he used to be. He pursued "happiness" with someone who only wanted to do what feels good today. Not looking at long term.

As for me, I eventually found a wodnerful man. He had been single for 7 years when I met him. We live and work close to where both of our kids go to school so we can attend all of their functions - even when we don;t feel like it.

My ex lives only 30 minutes away - but he rarely makes en effort to see his son anymore. It is just too much work. He and his current wife do not get along, so my son doesn;t like to stay at their house. And I think that my Ex carries so much guilt from his bad choices, that it is hard for him to spend time with his son.

I was not the perfect wife. I have made better choices this time

I kiss my H every morning, the minute I wake up. and I kiss him as we both go to work. And I kiss him every night before I go to sleep. I tell him how much I appreciate him. He is honest. He works hard. He loves me. I am the luckiest woman in the world, and I tell him so. And you know what happens? He feels good about himself, so he is a happier man! He enjoys his life. I have made it a point to find things to do together - and we have fun! I would say that I probably put 70% of the effort into our M, into finding things that we both can enjoy togehter, but we have found things to do, and we have fun. it is worth every bit of effort I put into it.

You do not need to have a sad life.

But as long as you have this friend that you talk to, and you compare him to your H, you will not be able to fully give yourself to finding the fun M you want.

and I would suspect your H wants to have fun to. We all do. You are not unique in that. So get busy finding ways to do it.

You will have to give up some of yourself, but it will be worth it.

Take your H by surprise.

***Thud***

"Be a DECENT person and divorce your husband FIRST before you begin a relationship with another man."

Bingo.

Rain...click this link...then type "divorce lawyers" in the browser. Your fogginess is going to lead you here anyway. Get it over with now for your sons sake....


http://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=navclient&ie=UTF-8

First of all, you need to be honest with yourself. If the POS is a friend, why do you hide your phone and the details of your conversations from your husband? HE IS NOT A FRIEND. Make no mistake about that.

You think your situation is unique. The self centered bullsh!t you're spewing is exactly the same justifications that every wayward wife spews. Your sense of entitlement at the expense of what is true and right is apalling.

To your point above, you need to take a cold hard look at your actions. If you're considering breaking up your son's home in pursuit of a guy who will knowingly pursue a married woman, you ARE an unfit mother. Do you think how you are acting and what you've done contributes even a little bit to the "unhappy" state of the home?...

How dare us?

You're the one who's F-ing around. Think about that.

Do you take any responsibility whatsoever for YOUR actions? If you put half the effort you put into deceiving your husband (who for some reason still loves you) to try to nurture and seduce this ENEMY of your family, into righting the wrongs YOU perpetrated on your family, you might find that you can have a happy home.


YOU ARE MAKING HIS HOME UNHAPPY! Don't you recognize this? You are not showing concern for your son by your actions. Do you want his role model for what a woman and mother should be, to be a wh*re who will seek other men any time she feels a little put out? You want him to learn that it's OK to F around on his wife? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT???

Why is it so hard? Because you are being weak. You need to take some responsibility for what YOU have done to create this sh!tty home your son has to live in. You're trying to run away from your obligation.

I know I'm smacking you over the head with this, but it is intended to help.

You can make a happy home for your son WITH your husband.

You need to immediately stop contacting POSOM, get through withdrawal and start making yourself a better person than who you've become.

The fact that you are here in the first place tells me that you want to be better and want help. No one else can do that for you.

Cherish the opportunity you have to make up for your past transgressions. Be a strong loving wife and mother and set a good example for your son. He didn't ask for this [censored]. Your husband didn't ask for this [censored], and I'd be willing to bet that you didn't want this [censored] either. You better take advantage of the chance to save your family before it's too late.

******

Yea, right... My wife said this EXACT thing when she was commiting adultery on me.

Anyone else???

You pretty much have 3 choices Rain...

1. Leave things status quo and make yourself, H, son, OM, and now MB miserable, because of your own selfishness.

2. Get divorced so your H and your son can get on with their lives...without a selfish person for a mother.

3. Own your [censored], and start to use the members here for some advice on how to recover your M.


Hint:

1 and 2 are reasons for you to pack up and leave MB and get a lawyer.

Yes, WW had to go "find herself"...ended up "finding herself" on **EDIT**

**edit**

**EDIT***

again....divorced....

hmmmm.....most everyone on MARRIAGE BUILDERS is divorced...what is up with that?

**EDIT**

You are just another **********

********************

he knows about the OM....there is no A

*********************************

I'm done feeding this troll.

I'm out.

*****

Most divorced members are here recovering from the agony of years with a self absorbed, serial cheater. They are seeking support from other members as they try to help their children get through the pain of their parents destroyed marriage.

The rest of us had a remorseful WS who discovered just in time that their M sucked because they were spending all of their free time trying to please an immoral, adulterer who was only interested in the thrill of getting into their pants.

Out...

boy, those mods are pretty quick with the *** at other times...funny what they just let run. Could this be the reicarnation of BA?

I ain't got modded down yet, so I am gonna go into Energizer Bunny mode!

Yes...and you are happy with your NEW man....

Your advice makes sense and I am only here to get some advice. You make very good sense and I am carefully listening to what you are saying and it makes me want to cry when you talk about how you kiss him and tell him you appreciate him. I was once like that too. I am not a horrible person but I have done some horrible things and regret them every minute of everyday. Somehow, I guess I justify in my mind that since it is not physical that it is not an affair but I guess I am wrong. I just dont want to make a mistake.

yeah, I'm sure that your teachers appreciated your effort.

I'm not divorced and you are still a skank.

********

whatever

therainisgone,

I have reported this thread to the moderators because of the suggestions and directions for you to commit suicide and other disrespectful comments.

I do not believe that Dr. Harley would approve of your being treated in that manner on this board whether you are a troll or not.

Btw, an EA (emotional affair) can do as much...or more....damage as a PA (physical affair).

Then stop being *********** and start figuring out how to fix your m.

This is the first post where you make sense. This is good. Now, you understand the pain you are causing and how awful its making you feel. Are you willing to put forth the work you need to do to repair the damage? Because if you are, and I mean REALLY are, then there are great resources here for you. Quit being bitchy to the seasoned posters who know this site inside and out and get on with it.

First of all, I am not a skank. Second, you think I would let my son know. One day, I will have to face him but telling a 12 yr old about an affair you had when he was 4 is not a good idea. I think the subject should be left alone until he is an adult, ******.

I have a hard time buying this is a real person with real issues - if you are old enough to have a 12 year old, you are old enough to act like an adult. The last time I heard someone call someone else a retard was in 9th grade. My guess is a troll.

*******? You are discussing an affair from 8 years ago...members here are talking about the affair that YOU ARE HAVING NOW !!!!!

Who's the *****?

I don't mean to be. In know that I have been wrong. I just want to figure things out but I can't help but be defensive. Especially when people do not understand or know me.

whatever

The vets here do know you. [censored], I'm new here, and I know you. You are my W 3 months ago. What makes you so [censored] special that you think seasoned vets of MB don't know you? You are a WW who doesn't think about anyone but herself, and is using her child as an excuse to continue an A.....trust me, they know you.

Your "whatever", "******" and continues disregard for your marriage IS all we know, what do you expect? If you want respect, then deserve it.

Rain,

I think you can use the "ignore" button on this forum rather than continue to banter back and forth. It's much more productive.

There are several people still on this forum that would be happy to work with a repentant wayward.

And don't give up on Dr. Harley's concepts based on strangers in an internet forum.

Good luck!

I am going to make one last comment, just in case you sincerely want help here

think back to how you felt after your A, when your H first found out. You felt bad, and you still do.

think back to every time you gambled and lost a bunch of money. To the times when the bill collectors were calling you,and you knew you had just dropped a bunch of money at the casino. You knew you could have paid a bill, but didn't do it, and now it is too late to do the right thing.
Think about how crappy you felt all those times.

If you leave your H to chase after this OM, you will end up with that same bad feeling again. That is what I am trying to stop, for you. That crappy feeling when you know you have just messed up.

It is not too late to stop the cycle. Put a notch in that tree and declare that from this day forward you WILL build a fun, happy M with the father of your child. The man who loves you.
If you do not build a fun M with this man, if you D him you will end up in an even deeper hole. You will have another bad choice in your past.
Your H, on the other hand, will move on. Build a new life. Find a woman who appreciates his love. That is what has happned to many of us here. That is why we come back here, to post. To tell other BS's that they will find love again, and happiness. And occasionally someone comes here, like you, who is about to make a huge mistake, and we say DON'T.

I am not here mourning over the loss of my WH. I am here to tell people like your H that they can have a good life again, even if their BW divorces them
And I hope I can tell people like you that happiness does not come from dumping one M, and finding another one who appeares to be more perfect. There is no perfect man. A man is a man. You will either have to work hard at this relationship, or work hard at the next one. You may as well work hard at this one. Becuase at least with this one, your son will see his parents every morning at breakfast......and your son will never have to worry about how to tell you that Daddy has found a new love, and he is getting married.

You are about to jump right out of the frying pan, into the fire. I beg you to stop.

Its ok....I don't take that serious. I know there are some real idiots out there. Suicide only punishes your family. You can't take it back. Children can deal with divorce successfully. They will never recover from the loss of a parent caused by suicide. I would never do that to my family, no matter what.

ok intro....whatever

Then I guess you are not hanging around in a crappy, "cold" marriage for your son then?

WTF is wrong with you?

What is this "whatever" for?

Thank you. I will use that.

As do affairs....endlessly.


And they never recover from the kind of abuse you are laying on your family.

He is exactly the reason.

That was nice of you, signing your post with your name!

because you have givin no insight. Only badgering. So to you I say " whatever"

I didn't think that you would take their "advice"! However, you do not deserve to be disrespected in that manner....and that is true even if you are a troll instead of a sincere poster.

I'm wondering why you're accepting that level of disrespect....and engaging in disrespectful behavior in return?

Did you know that participating in an affair (even if it's an EA instead of a PA) is an act of huge disrespect to yourself as well as to your spouse and family?

You say that you don't want a dicorce because of your son....now you say that children can deal with divorce successfully....now you say that your son is the reason.

You are one messed up chick....sorry, I came in here to help, but you are just messed girl.



Here....I'll save you time...........


WHATEVER !!!!!

*EDIT**

I agree with you 100% but having an affair and divorce is not the same as suicide and how cold of you to even argue that point.

Please, give me a break.

**EDIT**

Ok, this is very important!

You used to do these things. Do them again.

If you D your H, and move onto another relationship, you will do these things with your new man. For awhile. It will be new, and fun, and you will do all these things. And then he will do somethign stupid, or say something hurtful, and you will not feel like doing these things. and one day you will wake up and realize that it has been 2 years since you kissed him. and you wil mourn the loss of intimacy again.

When I had been married to my new H for about 3 months, one day we had an arguement,and I said to him "when you said X, it made me sad. It hurt my feelings" and he did not respond. Later that night he went to bed w/o kissing me. The next morning, he left for work with no kiss.
That night I said "lets not get into this bad pattern. Lets decide right now that we will always kiss" and we have. And it has made all the difference in the world. He has hurt my feelings again, but I kissed him anyway. I have hurt his feelings as well. But he kisses me anyway.
it was a choice. A decision. I don't sit around waiting for him to kiss me, I walk up to him and plant one on him. I don't get mad and decide that if HE thinks that I am going to kiss HIM, then he is WRONG! I decided that I want a good M, so I am taking action. period.

I am so dismayed.

Rain's husband sent her here for help.

And many of you have done nothing but insult, name call, and suggest suicide.

Is this the best MB has to offer?

Yes, she is foggy. But your shock tactics aren't going to do anything but drive her away....And this was her husbands best hope.

For the sake of her betrayed husband, if you can't be decent or compassionate -- then couldn't you just stay off her thread? And maybe let someone reach her?

I was trying, but "whatever".

what is a troll? I am new to this and do not understand half of the acronyms everyone is using.

it's obviously a troll.

Yes...thank you for understanding. It makes me angry and makes me want to prove everyone wrong and jump into something I shouldn't out of anger.

introvert.

If you were desperate for someone to reach your spouse and try to cut through the fog and instill some of the marriage-buiders principals, is this how you would want them to be treated? to recommend suicide?

An Internet troll, or simply troll in Internet slang, is someone who posts controversial and usually irrelevant or off-topic messages in an online community, such as an online discussion forum or chat room, with the intention of baiting other users into an emotional response[1] or to generally disrupt normal on-topic discussion.


...in turn.....you.

ok...you aren't getting it but I have to admit that was funny

No I wouldn't, if it were a real person with a real problem. This is a troll, not a person.

No...unfortunately this is all very real.

A troll is someone who makes up a story that "pushes the buttons" of people who are in tremendous amounts of pain. A troll does that for entertainment.

The problem, as I see it, is that a "foggy" wayward and a troll can look, sound, and behave in similar manners.

Then why not discuss your problems with lexxxy or someone who is here being helpful to you, instead of just baiting others? wouldn't that be more helpful?

Hi Womanoffaith5,

I really like your advice. My FWH just returned yesterday from deployment... well I've been feeling not wanting to show loveable emotions to him, I'm kinda being distant right now. But when you've mentioned that you just show affection, whether you feel like it or not, well I needed to read/hear that, so thank you.

I remember one sermon at church, when our Pastor was talking about commitment... that love is not a feeling, it's a commitment. It's hard for me at times to try to put that into practice, but coming here reading posts like yours, is very inspirational. BTW, I like your name.

Rain... I'll be praying for you and your situation.

FAM5

I am not baiting. If anyone has baited anyone it has been you.

Thank you.

Thank you

For those that think rainisgone is a troll, why not just stop posting to her.

And let those that think they can reach her "waste their time with her". Because the time you spending going back and forth with her is time wasted that you can be helping those that "really need it". So why waste your valuable time with her.

If those that think they can reach her do; then we are looking at a marriage on the way to being recovered. If not, they haven't wasted your time, just theirs. And let them learn their lesson.

rain,

There are things on this forum that I think you find useful to help you through this. One of them is a NC letter. It is done in the form of a letter because it doesn't allow the OM the opportunity to change your mind. It is also approved my the BS and sent. After that, there should be no contact between the WS and the OP. None, not even to verify the letter. By you not responding you will verify it.

If your H continues to post, one if the things that he should learn here, is to figure out his part was in getting the marriage environment to the state it is in now so he can make some changes that will help restore your M.

Good luck here and please listen to the productive help you can get here.

S&C

Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it. However, can you help me understand what the acronyms mean?

OK S&C.

It's just that having someone pouring salt into your wounds evokes these kind of responses.

Someone else help the **edit**

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1984040#Post1984040

iam,

Yes I understand. Maybe a good idea to put both 72dude and rain on ignore. Just a suggestion to help keep out the salt.

Blessings.

S&C

Mahalo for the link intro. rain, you can click on the linl intro provided to get the lo-down on the abbr.

They areen't puring the salt into my wounds. I don't have the personality to let things go but I also don't have the kind of personality where people like that get to me. They dont bother me.

WW= wayward wife

WS= wayward spouse

M= married/marriage

OM= other man

OW= other woman

R= recovery/relationship

D= divorced

BTW= by the way

DS= dear son

DD= dear daughter

KWIM= know what i mean

OP= other person

OPS= other persons spouse

A= affair

Well these are the ones off the top of my head... but there somewhere in another thread, and for some reaon I can't put my finger on which one it is... I would have to do some searching for you. But hope this helps anyways?

I read back through this thread and found some really good posts amongst the others.

Now that it's a little more calm, why don't you go back to the beginning of your thread and post about those?

I'm sorry that your first experience here didn't seem very welcoming but there really are people here who are excellent at helping others. That's why I come back at times to read around the sight.

Best wishes for your recovery, rainisgone.

rainisgone,

Click on the user name, click view profile. In that area you will see "ignore user", click on that!

This is counter productive to your Recovery with your BH.



How sad that some of the veteran posters on this board have shown the new posters that this kind of behavior is acceptable!!

This used to be a place where a wayward could get some productive help using Dr. Harley's principles. Especially considering he has written his books for both the BS and the WS.

Don't give up rain....once the dust settles, you and your BH can get some good help here.

Rain,

You remind me of my younger sister, she too had an affair and a major gambling problem. She dang near wiped out my parents estate as a matter of fact, and she now appears to have a drinking problem.

I see so many similarities with what you have posted and her. What strikes me as the most similar, is that she has not yet learned that you can never get what you are lacking within from outside sources.

What you are missing in your marriage and in your life, is only a reflection of what you are missing within. Another person or relationship can never fill that lack.

You seem to me to crave excitment. You must find a healthy way to meet that need for excitiment.

You seem to crave adoration. You must find a healthy way to meet that need for adoration. Once you do this, your husbands love and adoration for you will be more than enough.

Seek to find out how the women on this thread who are helping you have done this.

I'd get a book that Kayla is always recommending called "The Four Corners" for starters.

You already know that no other man can give you what your husband can. You know this, that is why you won't let him go.

Find the things you can do that are conducive to being married to fill the needs inside of you, so that you can bring excitement to your marriage, and to your home.

This is what it means to be successful. Not a new R.

Stick around and talk to all these people here who can show you how.

Once you learn to meet this lack inside of you in a healthy way, you will know love and believe me, you will fight for your husband and marriage with all you've got.

I hope that makes some kind of sense. (In a hurry, my DD is here and I must go)

For your information...Most of those scolding you have felt the sting of betrayal that you never have.

If you read here you will find that some have said betrayal by a spouse is worse than rape.

If you ever are 'unfogged' you can come back and apologize.

thanks...that helps!

I understand what you are saying. I am being scorned and I understand why. However, there is a difference in being scorned and being just plain hateful. You are hurt and you are right. I have not been betrayed like you. But if you send the kind of messages like you sent, then take the responses without whining.

**EDIT**

**EDIT**

Rain,


I'm sure your H wanted you to get real MB help. Re-read through your post and if you "ignore" the users that were attacking you, there is some good stuff in there from some MB posters that have been on this board for quite some time.

Don't allow the sting of another's pain get in the way of the original intent of what your H wanted you to do. That would be disappointing.

No...I am saying there will be no need for me to EVER apologize to you you incompetent man.
Oh you silly skank! I was not apoligizing!

If I were your husband, you would be on the street with the rest of the wh0res. [/quote]

ENOUGH!!!

The purpose of this forum is MARRIAGE BUILDING.

Thank you.