I NEED ADVICE FROM SOMEONE IN SAME SITUATION!

Just to give you a little history about my situation…I have been married to a wonderful husband for over 14 years (and I mean that in every way!) We have one son who is 12. I had an affair 8 years ago for 2 years with an older man. My husband found out and we stayed together. Neither one of us went to counseling. We decided to reconcile because I did not love this person and did not want to lose my husband. We were married at the ages of 19 (me) and 21 (him) and had our son only after one year of marriage. Neither of our parents is divorced. We grew closer and for a few years and I did everything I thought possible to make the situation better for him and I was genuinely sorry and hurt for what I had done to him. I put myself in his shoes and felt his pain – I am sure not to the extent that he did but I knew what I had done. We have a large amount of debt and live with my parents. The debt is my fault due to gambling. I have went back to the gambling a few times over the past 5 years thinking that I might win and it would make him happy (stupid, I know) but have completely stopped for about a year now and we are making great progress in paying off our debt.

However, for the past to years I have been in contact with a former co-worker who lives in another state. We became great friends and talked very often. After I went to another job, we continued to talk and I even purchased a cell phone that I kept hidden from my husband so that I could keep in touch with him. The “friend” now claims to be in love with me and says that he wants me for himself. I do like him a lot. Since the affair, everything has been good with my husband and myself I thought but my husband claims that is not so. He says that I have never met his emotional and physical needs ever – even since the first day of our marriage (ouch – that one really cut to the bone). Now I find myself not being able to let go of the friendship with the other person. It has never been physical and I am not having an affair – only emotional I guess. He is exactly the type of person I have always wanted to be with but for what seems to be the wrong reasons. He is funny, flirty, sexy, and we share the exact same interests in having fun. I adore him and think he is very special. But I don’t know if he could ever love me as deep as I know my husband loves me and that scares me. I told my husband I wanted a divorce a few months ago because the lying and stress from talking to the other guy was just too much and I did not see anything changing between my husband and I. We are not affectionate. He is still resentful – and has every right to be. But even after everything I have done I crave that affection and the feeling that I am number one in someone’s life. The “friend” does not see that I am “ruined”…he sees me talking to him and knows that I am married but also knows that I will not cross the line and have another affair. The “friend” is willing to move to the city that I live and leave his two kids to be with me.

My husband is one of a kind. He is honest, trustworthy, responsible. He is a wonderful father (even though he could do more with our son). But his personality is like a piece of wood. He has no hobbies, no friends, no interests. He never goes out and does anything on his own. He focuses on me totally and does everything to make me happy but this has caused me to lose interest in him. He shut down after the affair. He doesn’t talk much and we do not do things together because of our financial burden (I would do things anyway but obviously he is the more responsible one when it comes to money) When we do go and do things together, I think about the other guy and how much fun it would be to be with him. My husband has ALWAYS complained that I do not give him enough sexual attention and I get so sick of hearing it. I can’t sleep with him if I don’t feel like I am in love with him anymore. He is a very good looking guy physically – but emotionally it is just not there. When we are intimate, it is great. We don’t kiss goodnight – he doesn’t touch me. I don’t touch him. When we do get around to having sex, it is the best in the world. He knows me and knows what I like in bed. He pleases me. But I just can’t let go of the love he gives me. I don’t give it back like I should and I know that. It’s just a continuous cycle. I don’t think I can get it back.

If anyone has ever been in this same situation, please help me. I think by getting a divorce it will devastate him. I would take all of the debt so that he can do things and be free from that burden. But I feel like I have done him so wrong all these years and that by divorcing him I would just be the most cruel, insensitive, selfish person in the whole world. But is it more selfish to not let him go and find someone that would make him happy? He says he loves me but I don’t think I make him happy. Wouldn’t it be less selfish to let him go? If you love someone, set them free.

I'm a BS and I must say (excuse me if I'm out of line)....but, it's damn foggy in here.

I ditto introvert.

Your husband is a loving man who forgave you of your sorrid affair. He forgave you your gambling addiction that ruined him. He took back the monster that hurt him.

Now you want to do it again? Because he's boring?

You need to seek counseling.

There are time I wish I could reach through the computer and.....

rain,

you are actively engaged in an affair right now.

This site is for people who want to SAVE their marriages.

Do you really expect folks here to tell you that what you're doing is OK?

My advice is to immediately confess your new adultery to your loving husband. Confess every sordid detail HE needs.

You need to write a no contact letter to the philandering piece of [censored] that is trying to ruin the lives of your husband and son, and have your husband approve and send it to him.

You must NEVER speak to your infidelity partner again. FOR LIFE! You can not re-establish feelings for your husband unless you do this. He did not deserve the pain and suffering you dealt him last time, and he still found it in himself to give you another chance. He deserves so much better than this from you.

Stop acting like a cheap piece of trash and start being honest with your husband. You do realize that if your "boyfriend" had even a shred of respect for you he would not be engaging you in this way. He's going to leave his kids to be with YOU? Is that the kind of person you want to be with? Do you think you have a future with this scumbag? Don't you realize that most likely YOU will be the next one he'll F around on?

What you are doing is inexcusable and despicable. Don't you have any concern at all for your son? Do you really want him to know that this is your true character?

KNOCK IT OFF!!!

Pull your head out of your selfish a** and do what's right.

Well, I was gonna post, but the other 2x4's pretty much summed it up.

The rain might be gone, but seeing clearly still seems to be a problem.

Your friend is no friend of your marriage if he would pursue a relationship with you. What you are experiencing is known as an emotional affair. While you might not have actually run of to spend the night with this guy, the damage to the relationship with your husband is just as real as if you had been sleeping with this guy for years.

Part of the excitement from any new relationship is related to chemicals that act on the brain. An attraction to someone new causes an increase in levels of testosterone in both men and women. This is the chemical that causes the sex drive and a desire to mate.

But something else that happens is that it also causes a decrease in a chemical called oxytocin that is responsible for the "nesting instinct." It reduces your desire for your current partner and causes you to focus more and more on this new potential mate.

That's part of the chemistry of it...

Statistically, if you leave your husband for this new guy you stand about a 3% chance of ending up married to him. And to make things even worse, if you do actually do marry him; you have a 3 in ten chance of it lasting 5 years.

Also from the statistical side of things, second marriages seldom report being happier than the first marriage for either spouse.

If you read the Q&A columns linked in the NAV bar at the top of the screen that relate to infidelity, you should see what you should do to handle this situation. You might also learn what you should do to prevent it from happening again in the future by reading those columns, the articles and the basic concepts.

You might also want to look for the website of the late Shirley Glass and read her information on Not Just Friends including taking the quizzes that are on the site.

If you end the relationship with this OM, you will experience withdrawal similar to someone attempting to stop doing drugs. You will be depressed, moody, and angry and all the rest that goes with withdrawing from an addiction, which is what you are actually experiencing with this OM. You are, in fact, addicted to the feelings he creates in you.

But once you complete withdrawal from this OM, you will find yourself having fewer complaints about your husband and eventually, if you do the right things and follow the Marriage Builders methods of building a healthier and more fulfilling marriage, your desire for your husband too will begin to return.

Or you can just throw away the marriage to the guy who has stood by you, helped you through troubles, forgiven you for past transgressions and run off to see if this OM can make you happy in the long run.

And just so you know, your problems are far from unique. You are feeling, experiencing and doing and saying exactly what every wayward or potentially wayward spouse has ever done, said and felt.

Read the basic concepts. Read the Q&A columns. Read the articles. Read some of the threads on this forum and others on this site. Order the book Fall In Love Stay In Love and read it too.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. If you want to rebuild your marriage, it's a great place to be and result in you having the marriage of your dreams to the man of your dreams. But OM ain't likely to be him...

Mark

Let's see...

1. you had an affair 8 years ago that lasted 2 years
2. you were good "for a few years" (except for racking up gambling debt and which you admittedly have gone back to over the last 5 years)
3. you live with your parents because of the debt you caused,
4. for the past 2 years you have been cheating again (yes you're cheating, hiding a cell phone, carrying on a relationship with another man outside of your marriage)
5. now you're thinking about divorcing your husband because HE'S not good enough?

You don't say how long you've been married but by the age of your son who is 12 (that you had a year after you married) I'd say you've been married 13 years? And of that 13 years, you've cheated for 4 of them?

Why are you here? To rebuild your marriage? Or to get advice on how to cake eat?

You need help. I feel sorry for your son. Imagine what you're teaching him about relationships and VOWS.

rain

First sorry to see you here but at least its where you will get some solid honest advice... some 4x2's as well when required .. but where most want your M to recover and thrive

I am a FWW so I have no bone to pick or anything with you but perhaps I can be really honest and say to you some things that though they may hurt may also help you and your family.

the first thing you need to accept and understand is very simple .... you are having another affair, emotional or physical does not matter, experience from this site and Dr Harleys & other national and international research demonstrates that an affair is an affair full stop. NO EXCUSES. YOU ARE IN AN AFFAIR RIGHT NOW

Why do posters say its foggy here .. well they are referring to your reasoning and justifications for your past and present actions as you have described them. When you are in an affair your reasoning is .. well .. CRAP. I've been there rain so I know.

Why is there no or little emotional relationship between your H and yourself? I would guess at a number of things ...
first the affair you had some years again was NEVER addressed never closed off and so little of the damage to your M was repaired ... ... the old brush it under the carpet thing

second the pain inflicted on your H and the loss of trust was probably never addressed and so he probably has been reluctant to place his trust in you again ... and lets be blunt ... you have again shown he was right not to trust you wasn't he?

third I would take a guess and say that neither you or your H talk about the difficult issues because he doesn't trust you and you want to run away from them ... eg not providing for each others emotional needs etc etc as you are too busy talking to a boyfriend and he's not willing to put himself out there to be hurt again

fourth is simple... how could you feel anything for H romantically when you are giving your attention to the OM? what about investing the time in learning to relate with your H even if that means counseling ?

So I would advise you REALLY need to do a number of things

STOP ALL CONTACT WITH THE OM RIGHT NOW

TELL YOUR H

SEND A NO CONTACT LETTER TO THIS OM AND LET YOUR H SEE IT AND WATCH YOU EMAIL IT

CHANGE YOUR EMAIL RIGHT AFTER

CHANGE YOUR PHONE IF YOU HAVE TOO

SEND ANY LAND MAIL BACK "NO LONGER THIS ADDRESS"

AND ... ARRANGE FOR COUNSELLING


Your OM is living in a fantasy as you are over his proposed plans ... but you probably wont want to hear this.
Rain when things are difficult in a M its just so easy to live a fantasy that your knight in shining armour is going to come galloping over the hill and rescue you.
But just think a moment ..... Your shining knight doesn't have to take the garbage out... have the kids run havoc when peace & quiet is wanted... struggle to make a living to put a roof over your familys head .... pay the car repair bills .... insurance .... yadda yadda yadda if you see where I am going. And of course if you are working as well theres little 'grown up ' time between your H and yourself and before you know it you are finding reasons NOT to spend time togther

But think, how would your OM react to that every day grind of life?
Would you even WANT a man who abandons his kids? think on that one .. would you like this man around YOUR kids?
And think on this ...Any man who cheats with you will cheat on you .. look at the stats on how long relationships last between cheaters .... not a recipe for happiness you know

Rain you have damaged your M seriously .. and yes your H holds some responsibility for allowing the M to get where it is just as your are... BUT you and only you are responsible for choosing to have 2 affairs. See there are heaps of reasons why we FWW can say we had affairs, BUT THERE ARE NO EXCUSES. We need to own our decisions and yes sadly live with the consequences.

Is there hope for your M and family .. YES but YOU are going to ahve to work especially hard

you really need to start working on YOU and your M with your H if you want it to survive .... from today
I would REALLY REALLY advise you ring the Harleys here and get some advice and counselling. I know its not cheap but have you researched what a divorce costs?? $$$

If there are local counsellors available make sure you choose a pro M one, far too many MC's just want to make it easy for you to divorce and THAT is not good for kids unless they are leaving an abusive situation etc. A family unit where possible is the best why to bring up kids and this is supported by the latest research all over the world. Thats another issue you need to consider

OK RAIN so start first of all by ending contact with OM .... tell your H because really he needs to know if he wants the M as well as you ... just be straight forward & say that you see the two of you as distant and have found you are attracted to this man(the OM) & realise it has got too intense ... ans ANY questions he has honestly .... tell him about no contact .... ask him to read your no contact letter ... SHOW him you are willing to take steps to protect him .... apologise for YOUR actions .... ask him to work with you to save your M .... DONT defend your actions in the past or now but admit you were wrong no excuse .... Don't have a slanging match over 'you did Vs I did' ... go get professional MC urgently

rain its really in your hands, do you want your M or not?

I agree 100%. Did you come here to "confess" to make yourself feel better? You are doing all of these immature, unfair things to your family because your husband is "boring"? Ouch. If you want to make it work, you need to get some couseling for addiction - it sounds like you have a very addictive personality and that needs to be addressed before anything will improve.

Think of it as an addiction. You are not in your right mind. You are addicted to a poison. From the inside it doesn't look like that. Trust us from the outside. You need to go cold turkey and you cannot do that alone. Expose the affair to your H. Send a NC letter. Change all the information you must in order to protect yourself from your addiction.

Yeah...you got dumped on. What did you do or not do in your marriage?

He is not leaving his kids. He only gets them on the weekends because he travels. He will continue to do that.

My son sees an unhappy home. Do you really think that I would not have any f@#$ing concern for my son? No way! Why do you think this is so hard.

You are divorced too....so what went wrong with u?

Mark,

Thank you for your advice. Of all of the replies, you made the most sense and you were the most helpful. I appreciate your stern but realistic point of view. I will take into consideration what you are saying. Again, thank you.

Here is the part that I simply can not comprehend:

The current OM said he is willing to leave his 2 kids behind to join her in the town where she lives.

If any man ever told me he was going to leave his 2 kids, I would tell him he is a selfish piece of crap, and I would never speak to him again.

Why is it, exactly, that this wonderful man would leave his 2 children behind, and come live close to you? To pursue the type of "fun" you two like to have? Maybe even some hot, steamy, wild SF? Wow. That sounds like a great reason to abandon 2 children.
Great guy you found there.

Those two children did not ask to come into this world. They did not get to choose parents. They were likely born out of a night of hot, steamy, wild SF. Yor mans pursuit of fun. Perhaps he didn't "wnat" to have children, but his object of passion for those 2 occasions "got herself knocked up anyway".

Thing is - it doesn't matter if he wants to raise those kids or not. they are HIS. He has an obligation to them. To help them get through childhood with as few scars as possilbe.

Would this man drop his kids off with a child molester, and let them be abused? I hope not. and why not? Because the abuse they would suffer at the hands of a child molester would leave scars in the heart, their minds, their souls, for EVER.

Abandoning them would do the same thing. Leave a scar in their minds for EVER.

If he packs up and moves away, to go live close to the woman who "likes to have fun the way he does" the children will have scars. Forever. The memory that their own dad,their own dad packed up and left them behind. Did not care enough to stick around. And don't give me any crappy line about how they would come to visit for a week at Christmas and 6 weeks in the summer. That is NOT the same as an active father, showing up at baseball games, and taking them to McDonalds for a coke, showing up at parent teacher conferences.

It is time that you - and he, both quit thinking about what makes you feel good right now. Quit looking for a "high" from gambling, or a "high" from some man paying attention to you. Try looking for the high that comes from doing great things for other people.

Do the right thing. Tell this man that he needs to stay right where he is and raise wonderful children.Get rid of that cell phone. Stop cold turkey. And quit whineing about how you never go anywhere and have any fin. For crying out loud, you put yourself in this mess with yoru gambling! buckle down, work two jobs if you ahve to, and pay off your debts. Then book a nice cruise with yoru H and tell him how thankful you are to be his W.

And starting today, never, ever go to bed again without kissing that man good night. start every day, and end every day with a kiss. Whether you "feel" like it or not. You will see that after time, you feel like doing it more often.

I am here because my husband asked me to post our situation. You think I don't think about my child. Because I have had an affair in the past and I am talking to a friend does not make me a cruel mother. I feel sorry for my son too. He doesn't see happiness in the home - just cold, crap and living with his grandparents is pretty messed up to. I love my son. How dare you

Rain, you will be circling the drain if you ignore the seasoned posters.

Your OM will drop you like third period french once your faults outweigh the free snatch he's gettin and you will be left just like my ex-wife.

Ruined and alone.

Rain,

How could your H ask you to post here about your situation? He has no idea what it is.

God's Blessings,

Say

But wait, aren't you having to live with grandparents because YOU gambled the money away? I'm trying to figure out how hooking up with the OM will help that situation.

FOR THE LAST TIME....HE IS NOT DESERTING HIS KIDS.

HE IS ALREADY DIVORCED. HAS BEEN FOR MANY YRS NOW. HIS KIDS ONLY SEE HIM ON THE WEEKENDS ANYWAY. IT WILL NOT BE ANY DIFFERENT AND HE WILL KEEP HIS HOUSE IN HIS HOME CITY.

YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT HIM AND HE IS A GREAT GUY **********. HE WAS MARRIED TO THEIR MOTHER FOR 14 YRS.

YOU KNOW, YOUR ADVICE IS GOOD AND I BELIEVE YOU ARE SINCERE BUT YOU DON'T KNOW THE WHOLE STORY.

DOESN'T MEAN IT WILL HELP....JUST HAS HAPPENED.