Questions about exposure. Please help. - 12/28/08 11:01 PM
Some background. Married for 14 years. 4 kids (3, 5, 7, 9). Been separated because of my job for about 1 year. I visit every weekend and holidays and have been working from here on Fridays lately.
She started an affair about August. I found out early November. Tried unsuccessfully to get her to go NC with OM (who is married, has 2 kids, and is a truck driver so is never home). The affair is not physical (yet) because they live 2000 miles apart, but being a truck driver, he could get a route out here (though his company isn't out this way much).
After finding out, and trying unsuccessfully to get her to recommit, she finally admitted that she didn't love me, would've left me if it weren't for the kids, and was in love with him (I know, same old story). I tried plan A, but hadn't exposed yet becasue the main person I need to expose to (his wife) and he were in Mexico when I first started reading this site and the books. And then I didn't want to do it right before the holidays (I know, I'm a sap). So, the day after Christmas, my wife and I were playing on an online game that we play on (and also where she met him). I made a sniping comment about him, and she asked me to be nice. The reason I was pretty upset was I'd voice recorded her conversation in the car earlier where she was planning phone sex with him again, saying things like "I get to decide what I wear out of the house, but you can tell me what to wear in the bedroom" and "Wait until Sunday" (which is when I return to my apartment). Unfortunatly, I made a big love buster, first in the sniping comment (although it was mainly just a joke), and then when I told her "I'll be nice when you stop flirting with him." That basically started a chain reaction that ended with him convinced that I was going to tell his wife (I didn't really threaten it, but when he asked me if I was planning to, I didn't deny it), and she said that she broke things off with him so that I wouldn't do that. And then she went to the library to check out books on how to get divorced in our state.
Today I checked her phone records and found out that she is still very much in contact with him. 3 hours on the phone later that night after she said she was done with both of us, most of the day texting the next day, and not very subtly texting someone today (she said her mom, and got upset when I asked who it was, although I'm sure it was him). I can't verify who she texted until tomorrow afternoon. I even said (and I'm sure this was probably a mistake, too. I'm not too rational these days) that I'd promise not to call his wife if she'd be honest with me about if she were talking to him. She didn't take the opportunity to come clean, though, so I won't feel too bad about exposing.
So then a few questions: First, where does this idea of exposure come from? I haven't read yet in either "Surviving and Affair" or "His Needs, Her Needs" (though I'm not done with either) that it's a good idea. Both advocate not doing anything that would be a Love Buster. And it seems to me that since she's telling me that she will definitely divorce me if I call her, that it'd be a pretty big Love Buster to expose.
Second, I guess, is should I still go ahead and expose the affair to his wife (who will most likely kick him out and make it easier for him to be with my wife), and to all of the other people that I'd planned (OM's parents, WW's mom and sisters, OM's trucking company, friends on the game we play, and maybe even WW's work, though getting either of them fired is something I'd not want to do if I can help it). Also, I though about putting a block on her phone for his cell phone (although she'd probably just go buy a prepaid, she makes her own money so I can't do anything about that), blocking her from the game they sometimes play together, and even changing the passwords on her email accounts (although I'd rather be able to monitor the accounts that she doesn't know I have the passwords to rather than have her get new accounts that I don't know about).
I have been doing Plan A for a little while now, and we actually had a pretty good day today. I'd hate to push her into a definite divorce when it seems from one perspective that we're moving toward reconciliation. She knows she can't be with this guy forever. She knows that the affair will probably die out on its own. And I'm almost numb enough to it that I could probably eventually ignore it until it does. I know those are all the wrong answers, at least according to the advice on this site. I've gotten plenty of other contradictory and conflicting advice from books, websites, etc. I wish there were stats on what worked and what didn't. Obviously there's no catch-all solution and different people, different types of affairs, and different situations are all going to have factors that change things.
So...long distance marriage with no love on her end, long distance affair who she loves but knows that it probably wouldn't work out with in the long run, a wife who's...martyr enough to divorce me just because I call his wife (and even though there's maybe a 1% chance she wouldn't, I'm 100% sure she would if I got him fired, as he has 2 kids to support and no real skills. And I know his problems aren't really my problem, but if he weren't having an affair with my wife, he's the kind of person I'd feel bad for, and I don't want to make his family pay for what he's doing).
Should I expose and move to plan B? Stay in plan A and hope that she eventually gets worn out enough with keeping things (not all that) secret and does kill the affair? Expose and stay in plan A? Or just expect that we're going to plan D whether I want to or not? Part of me wants to go on total lockdown and just forcibly cut off all communication between them (though I know that's impossible since I'm not here most days, and I can't keep them from buying prepaid cells, and finding some way to bypass my block on the game they play, etc.) and expose to everyone including the mailman and the next door neighbor's dog. Part of me thinks that the last shred of a chance I have left is to just stay in plan A no matter how much it hurts (because no matter how much it hurts now, a divorce would hurt more).
I'm pretty sure I know what advice I'm likely to get here. But why? What does exposing gain me, if she's already made it clear that exposing = divorce, and not exposing = at least a small chance of reconciliation? Maybe I just need to face reality and assume that divorce is probably inevitable at this point (I know I'm walking in a minefield and even the question "who were you texting?" is enough to ruin an otherwise good day, even though I tried not to ask it in an accusatory way). Maybe I should just cut my losses and start looking for a new relationship. I'm not even happy in the state that I live in, having moved here for her, and having taken a long distance job to keep my family fed when there was no work near home. I just don't want to leave my kids. I wish I knew what would save our marriage at this point. I just can't help thinking that we're beyond saving.
She started an affair about August. I found out early November. Tried unsuccessfully to get her to go NC with OM (who is married, has 2 kids, and is a truck driver so is never home). The affair is not physical (yet) because they live 2000 miles apart, but being a truck driver, he could get a route out here (though his company isn't out this way much).
After finding out, and trying unsuccessfully to get her to recommit, she finally admitted that she didn't love me, would've left me if it weren't for the kids, and was in love with him (I know, same old story). I tried plan A, but hadn't exposed yet becasue the main person I need to expose to (his wife) and he were in Mexico when I first started reading this site and the books. And then I didn't want to do it right before the holidays (I know, I'm a sap). So, the day after Christmas, my wife and I were playing on an online game that we play on (and also where she met him). I made a sniping comment about him, and she asked me to be nice. The reason I was pretty upset was I'd voice recorded her conversation in the car earlier where she was planning phone sex with him again, saying things like "I get to decide what I wear out of the house, but you can tell me what to wear in the bedroom" and "Wait until Sunday" (which is when I return to my apartment). Unfortunatly, I made a big love buster, first in the sniping comment (although it was mainly just a joke), and then when I told her "I'll be nice when you stop flirting with him." That basically started a chain reaction that ended with him convinced that I was going to tell his wife (I didn't really threaten it, but when he asked me if I was planning to, I didn't deny it), and she said that she broke things off with him so that I wouldn't do that. And then she went to the library to check out books on how to get divorced in our state.
Today I checked her phone records and found out that she is still very much in contact with him. 3 hours on the phone later that night after she said she was done with both of us, most of the day texting the next day, and not very subtly texting someone today (she said her mom, and got upset when I asked who it was, although I'm sure it was him). I can't verify who she texted until tomorrow afternoon. I even said (and I'm sure this was probably a mistake, too. I'm not too rational these days) that I'd promise not to call his wife if she'd be honest with me about if she were talking to him. She didn't take the opportunity to come clean, though, so I won't feel too bad about exposing.
So then a few questions: First, where does this idea of exposure come from? I haven't read yet in either "Surviving and Affair" or "His Needs, Her Needs" (though I'm not done with either) that it's a good idea. Both advocate not doing anything that would be a Love Buster. And it seems to me that since she's telling me that she will definitely divorce me if I call her, that it'd be a pretty big Love Buster to expose.
Second, I guess, is should I still go ahead and expose the affair to his wife (who will most likely kick him out and make it easier for him to be with my wife), and to all of the other people that I'd planned (OM's parents, WW's mom and sisters, OM's trucking company, friends on the game we play, and maybe even WW's work, though getting either of them fired is something I'd not want to do if I can help it). Also, I though about putting a block on her phone for his cell phone (although she'd probably just go buy a prepaid, she makes her own money so I can't do anything about that), blocking her from the game they sometimes play together, and even changing the passwords on her email accounts (although I'd rather be able to monitor the accounts that she doesn't know I have the passwords to rather than have her get new accounts that I don't know about).
I have been doing Plan A for a little while now, and we actually had a pretty good day today. I'd hate to push her into a definite divorce when it seems from one perspective that we're moving toward reconciliation. She knows she can't be with this guy forever. She knows that the affair will probably die out on its own. And I'm almost numb enough to it that I could probably eventually ignore it until it does. I know those are all the wrong answers, at least according to the advice on this site. I've gotten plenty of other contradictory and conflicting advice from books, websites, etc. I wish there were stats on what worked and what didn't. Obviously there's no catch-all solution and different people, different types of affairs, and different situations are all going to have factors that change things.
So...long distance marriage with no love on her end, long distance affair who she loves but knows that it probably wouldn't work out with in the long run, a wife who's...martyr enough to divorce me just because I call his wife (and even though there's maybe a 1% chance she wouldn't, I'm 100% sure she would if I got him fired, as he has 2 kids to support and no real skills. And I know his problems aren't really my problem, but if he weren't having an affair with my wife, he's the kind of person I'd feel bad for, and I don't want to make his family pay for what he's doing).
Should I expose and move to plan B? Stay in plan A and hope that she eventually gets worn out enough with keeping things (not all that) secret and does kill the affair? Expose and stay in plan A? Or just expect that we're going to plan D whether I want to or not? Part of me wants to go on total lockdown and just forcibly cut off all communication between them (though I know that's impossible since I'm not here most days, and I can't keep them from buying prepaid cells, and finding some way to bypass my block on the game they play, etc.) and expose to everyone including the mailman and the next door neighbor's dog. Part of me thinks that the last shred of a chance I have left is to just stay in plan A no matter how much it hurts (because no matter how much it hurts now, a divorce would hurt more).
I'm pretty sure I know what advice I'm likely to get here. But why? What does exposing gain me, if she's already made it clear that exposing = divorce, and not exposing = at least a small chance of reconciliation? Maybe I just need to face reality and assume that divorce is probably inevitable at this point (I know I'm walking in a minefield and even the question "who were you texting?" is enough to ruin an otherwise good day, even though I tried not to ask it in an accusatory way). Maybe I should just cut my losses and start looking for a new relationship. I'm not even happy in the state that I live in, having moved here for her, and having taken a long distance job to keep my family fed when there was no work near home. I just don't want to leave my kids. I wish I knew what would save our marriage at this point. I just can't help thinking that we're beyond saving.