I am taking a cue from another poster and starting this referral thread because I really need some help. I will also copy and paste this into my reg thread.

Quick overview for those who have not read my entire thread. I am 2500 miles away from my WH, I just gave birth to our DD, I have not seen him since Nov, d-day 9/26/08 but denied, then again on 12/24/08 with undeniable proof. He filed for D at end of Jan, I have no idea if he is still with ow. I have sent plan b letter x2 and am currently in plan b.

My dilema is that my atty told me that I have to allow my wh to come to MI to visit the baby. I live with my parents currently due to finances, they do not want him here, but I think I am might be able to convince them otherwise. Since my DD is so young the visits have to be supervised by myself or my mother- she will not do it. Plus I am bfding so my proximity is also an issue for the situation.

I have made it clear to my atty that ow is not allowed to be present, but I can only make that happen on private property( my parents house) otherwise I can not stop ow from being where baby and I are.

How do I handle this, I am in plan b, the divorce is being pushed through by my WH. So do I chuck plan b move onto plan fu/d ?

When I see him how should I act, what should I say? What do I do? I am not 100% sure what I want anymore, but the one thing I am certain about is that I want the option to see if we are salvageable? Does that make sense?

Please I really need some help with this, it is kinda outside the prescribe plan b so I am stuck.

Is there a way to use this visit to my advantage?

Can't you express so you don't have to be in proximity for a visit?

I would get your M to change her mind and supervise a visit. Surely as much as she must hate him, she must love you more.

The problemslie in that.

1. neither of my parents want him on our property- which I understand and respect. That being said I sat down with my Dad yesterday and explained that if we did not have him come to the house here, that opened me up for the potential of have to deal with ow. He understood and said he would try to help me convince my mother to let him have the visit here. I have looked into Catholic Social services supervised parenting but it will not work in this time frame.

2. My atty stated that it must be one of the three of us (myself, my mother, or my father to supervise) or it would like very very very bad for me and my case. My mother's love for me is undeniable however it has a very nasty way of manifesting when it comes to my WH. She would not be civil (yes I know this for a fact) and it would create more problems. For arguments sake I do not have anyone other than myself to supervise this visit.

3. Yes I could express, but that is also a potential problem in my child custody and visitation case. I will probably do so for this instance however, I can not let it appear that it is the norm because my wh could try to make things more difficult legally. Long story dealing with visitation and parenting time.

Do they not have something like this:

http://www.sakidsexchange.net/

where you are? These thing are fairly common now, I'm told.

Why do you care if your mother gives him hell when he comes to visit? Shouldn't everyone know why you're dealing with things this way (even the kids)? Let your WH deal with your mother. Might be a good dose of humility for him to see how he's ruined your life and others'.

I agree with Cat. Let him deal with your mother on her property. No way in H would I let OW anywhere near that child. BOB, remember this all is HIS choice, not yours. I would stay dark, let him deal with MIL, and just sit back and wait. If you have sent the PBL twice, then you have extended the olive branch. Protect yourself. If he wants this M, then he will meet your conditions.

Take it from me BOB, I was the worst Plan B'er ever. I kept breaking it and all that it did was hurt me and allow WH to keep cake eating.

BOB,

I have no experience with plan A or B because my H's A was over before D-Day. However, it occurred to me that if your primary purpose in being in Plan B is to break up the A and recover the M, then you do one thing. If your primary purpose is protect yourself, then you do another.

If you want to recover the M, then how about a very brief Plan A during the visitation? Seeing your child for the first time is a powerful thing, and if you're right there reminding him of all the good things in your M, it might be a big push in the right direction. As soon as the visit's over, go right back to Plan B.

If you are protecting yourself, then I'd let your mother supervise and not be concerned at all about what she says or does. Your WH certainly deserves it!

Agree completely. LET your mom give him hell. He deserves every ounce of it.

Remember: NEVER PROTECT SOMEONE FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR BAD CHOICES.

In your best interest to exclude OW and maintain plan B. So have your parents supervise at their house.

DLD- Catholic social services is the only agency in my area that provides this service. And they only provide it between 10-and 12 on sat. Not in the time frame of the visit.

CP, Chai, MF- I whole heartedly agree with letting him have it, but I can not for legal reasons. I would love nothing more than to allow everyone of my family and friends a shot at him but it is out of the question. My atty has advised me of what I need to do in order to protect my stake in my court case regarding child custody and visitation. Once these details are all set in stone it will be a completely different story. Beside my mother WILL NOT do this for me it is out of the question.

So that being said I am wondering how to handle the day, encounter. Should I proceed with a short plan A like B16 suggested? Is this a way to use the visit to my advantage?
How do I handle this, I am in plan b, the divorce is being pushed through by my WH. So do I chuck plan b move onto plan fu/d ?

When I see him how should I act, what should I say? What do I do? I am not 100% sure what I want anymore, but the one thing I am certain about is that I want the option to see if we are salvageable? Does that make sense?

Thanks to all for reading.

basically the situation is I have to see my husband for the visit- no way around it there is no one else. I am trying to get it so that it is here at my parents so that I can at least exclude ow.
These are all for legal reasons so my q's are how to handle it.

If this is what you are trying to figure out, then Plan A your [censored] off. Make sure you look GREAT, are happy, smiling alot and friendly.

It seems that you are caught. You have no reasonable alternative than to let your WH visit with his DD. You must now take action to make this as easy on YOU as you can.

When will he be here?
Does he know he will be supervised?
You need the help of a close family member - to make sure nothing stupid happens. and

Facilitate the meeting so you so you can be pleasant but distant. You have done great keeping yourself together. - Don't loose it now.

I agree that the OW has no place here, What makes you so sure she will even come? (that would be a OW with some kahunas, let me tell you) She should be excluded from word one.

How old are your brothers? Maybe they can be there -
I think you are going to have to be there yourself. Does not mean that you have to engange him (especially in any nasty conversations)

good luck.

I would have it a famiily party when he comes over!! Hard to fake a story or create mayhem when 4 people are staring at you.

If this is what you truly want, then go for a carefully orchestrated Plan A. Think of writing a one act play. Pay attention to the set, the costuming, the dialogue, the casting, etc. Let him see you looking great and being a great mother to his child. Don't bring up the A at all and no LB's. Instead, show an interest in him, reminisce about good times together, share stories about your child, compliment him on how he interacts with the baby. Be warm and friendly, but don't do it in such a way as to give him the idea you're trying to win him back. Give him the impression that you're resigned to your fate and moving on with your life. Arrange to take a picture of the three of you together that you can send him later.

Try to imagine yourself five years down the road. Regardless of what happens to the M, you'll want to look back on this visit and feel good about it. You'll want to know that you made your best effort to save the M, but also that you did it in a way to preserve your dignity so you'll have no regrets. If it works, your H will be forever grateful. If it doesn't, you won't be haunted by a lost opportunity.

With all this said, I don't know your child custody concerns. You don't want to do anything to jeopardize that.

Make sure you look GREAT, are happy, smiling alot and friendly.

is there a magic pill for this. I have no idea how I am going to react when I see him. He didn't even say goodbye to me the day he moved out or the day I moved back to MI. I have so many mixed feelings about this, I feel so confused I swear you could tell me the floor was the ceiling and I would believe it.

You'll just need to act the part. If you focus on all the ways he's hurt you, it will just be harder to pull off.

Here's another thought. By your treatment of WH during this visit, you'll be setting the tone for your future joint parenting should your M not recover. Imagine your child being old enough to be aware of how you treat one another and act accordingly. From my own childhood experience, I can tell you how horrible it is when divorced parents can't be civil to one another. It's a huge burden for the children to bear.

DO NOT complment him on how he interacts with the child or anything that would enable him to say that even you agree that he is good with the child and should have some sort of custody.

Sorry, I may not be a family law attorney, but I am an attorney and I cringed at the thought of your WH twisting this to his advantage.

Ya know one thing that helped me through those dreadful visitations with my XH during our divorce.....I always imagine him a something else and most of the time my imagination was quiet vivid.....I can't count how many time I had to keep myself from laughing.....it kept turning into an alley Mcbeal moment. There was this one time when he suddenly became a giant hamburger.....well you get the idea...

So when he is in front of you and you feel the twang in your tummy....just immedialy go to a place where he is a giant feathered chicken.....a foghorn leghorn type chicken....just smile tho...try not to laugh.

I too am an attorney who never practiced family law. That's why I added the caveat about child custody concerns. I do not think, however, that a few encouraging comments to facilitate their interaction would be a negative. For instance, if baby likes to be held a certain way, show the father and encourage him when he gets it right.

Again, I don't know whether BOB is seeking sole custody or just hoping to get a custody agreement that is as favorable as possible. If it's anything less than full custody with no visitation, then she might benefit from making this visit as painless as possible. That way her WH might not feel compelled to fight her over every aspect of the custody details.

I'm guessing she's hoping he can't make her move back to the state he lives in?

Thank you to all who responded! Sincerely.

I will do my best when he gets here and will post what the day turns out like.

BTW- the love the hamburger thing- too funny!