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I am taking a cue from another poster and starting this referral thread because I really need some help. I will also copy and paste this into my reg thread.

Quick overview for those who have not read my entire thread. I am 2500 miles away from my WH, I just gave birth to our DD, I have not seen him since Nov, d-day 9/26/08 but denied, then again on 12/24/08 with undeniable proof. He filed for D at end of Jan, I have no idea if he is still with ow. I have sent plan b letter x2 and am currently in plan b.

My dilema is that my atty told me that I have to allow my wh to come to MI to visit the baby. I live with my parents currently due to finances, they do not want him here, but I think I am might be able to convince them otherwise. Since my DD is so young the visits have to be supervised by myself or my mother- she will not do it. Plus I am bfding so my proximity is also an issue for the situation.

I have made it clear to my atty that ow is not allowed to be present, but I can only make that happen on private property( my parents house) otherwise I can not stop ow from being where baby and I are.

How do I handle this, I am in plan b, the divorce is being pushed through by my WH. So do I chuck plan b move onto plan fu/d ?

When I see him how should I act, what should I say? What do I do? I am not 100% sure what I want anymore, but the one thing I am certain about is that I want the option to see if we are salvageable? Does that make sense?

Please I really need some help with this, it is kinda outside the prescribe plan b so I am stuck.

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Is there a way to use this visit to my advantage?

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Can't you express so you don't have to be in proximity for a visit?

I would get your M to change her mind and supervise a visit. Surely as much as she must hate him, she must love you more.

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The problemslie in that.

1. neither of my parents want him on our property- which I understand and respect. That being said I sat down with my Dad yesterday and explained that if we did not have him come to the house here, that opened me up for the potential of have to deal with ow. He understood and said he would try to help me convince my mother to let him have the visit here. I have looked into Catholic Social services supervised parenting but it will not work in this time frame.

2. My atty stated that it must be one of the three of us (myself, my mother, or my father to supervise) or it would like very very very bad for me and my case. My mother's love for me is undeniable however it has a very nasty way of manifesting when it comes to my WH. She would not be civil (yes I know this for a fact) and it would create more problems. For arguments sake I do not have anyone other than myself to supervise this visit.

3. Yes I could express, but that is also a potential problem in my child custody and visitation case. I will probably do so for this instance however, I can not let it appear that it is the norm because my wh could try to make things more difficult legally. Long story dealing with visitation and parenting time.

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Do they not have something like this:

http://www.sakidsexchange.net/

where you are? These thing are fairly common now, I'm told.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

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Why do you care if your mother gives him hell when he comes to visit? Shouldn't everyone know why you're dealing with things this way (even the kids)? Let your WH deal with your mother. Might be a good dose of humility for him to see how he's ruined your life and others'.

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I agree with Cat. Let him deal with your mother on her property. No way in H would I let OW anywhere near that child. BOB, remember this all is HIS choice, not yours. I would stay dark, let him deal with MIL, and just sit back and wait. If you have sent the PBL twice, then you have extended the olive branch. Protect yourself. If he wants this M, then he will meet your conditions.

Take it from me BOB, I was the worst Plan B'er ever. I kept breaking it and all that it did was hurt me and allow WH to keep cake eating.


BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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BOB,

I have no experience with plan A or B because my H's A was over before D-Day. However, it occurred to me that if your primary purpose in being in Plan B is to break up the A and recover the M, then you do one thing. If your primary purpose is protect yourself, then you do another.

If you want to recover the M, then how about a very brief Plan A during the visitation? Seeing your child for the first time is a powerful thing, and if you're right there reminding him of all the good things in your M, it might be a big push in the right direction. As soon as the visit's over, go right back to Plan B.

If you are protecting yourself, then I'd let your mother supervise and not be concerned at all about what she says or does. Your WH certainly deserves it!


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Originally Posted by catperson
Why do you care if your mother gives him hell when he comes to visit? Shouldn't everyone know why you're dealing with things this way (even the kids)? Let your WH deal with your mother. Might be a good dose of humility for him to see how he's ruined your life and others'.
Agree completely. LET your mom give him hell. He deserves every ounce of it.

Remember: NEVER PROTECT SOMEONE FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR BAD CHOICES.



Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

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In your best interest to exclude OW and maintain plan B. So have your parents supervise at their house.


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DLD- Catholic social services is the only agency in my area that provides this service. And they only provide it between 10-and 12 on sat. Not in the time frame of the visit.

CP, Chai, MF- I whole heartedly agree with letting him have it, but I can not for legal reasons. I would love nothing more than to allow everyone of my family and friends a shot at him but it is out of the question. My atty has advised me of what I need to do in order to protect my stake in my court case regarding child custody and visitation. Once these details are all set in stone it will be a completely different story. Beside my mother WILL NOT do this for me it is out of the question.

So that being said I am wondering how to handle the day, encounter. Should I proceed with a short plan A like B16 suggested? Is this a way to use the visit to my advantage?
How do I handle this, I am in plan b, the divorce is being pushed through by my WH. So do I chuck plan b move onto plan fu/d ?

When I see him how should I act, what should I say? What do I do? I am not 100% sure what I want anymore, but the one thing I am certain about is that I want the option to see if we are salvageable? Does that make sense?

Thanks to all for reading.

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basically the situation is I have to see my husband for the visit- no way around it there is no one else. I am trying to get it so that it is here at my parents so that I can at least exclude ow.
These are all for legal reasons so my q's are how to handle it.


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Quote
When I see him how should I act, what should I say? What do I do? I am not 100% sure what I want anymore, but the one thing I am certain about is that I want the option to see if we are salvageable?

If this is what you are trying to figure out, then Plan A your [censored] off. Make sure you look GREAT, are happy, smiling alot and friendly.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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It seems that you are caught. You have no reasonable alternative than to let your WH visit with his DD. You must now take action to make this as easy on YOU as you can.

When will he be here?
Does he know he will be supervised?
You need the help of a close family member - to make sure nothing stupid happens. and

Facilitate the meeting so you so you can be pleasant but distant. You have done great keeping yourself together. - Don't loose it now.

I agree that the OW has no place here, What makes you so sure she will even come? (that would be a OW with some kahunas, let me tell you) She should be excluded from word one.

How old are your brothers? Maybe they can be there -
I think you are going to have to be there yourself. Does not mean that you have to engange him (especially in any nasty conversations)

good luck.


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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I would have it a famiily party when he comes over!! Hard to fake a story or create mayhem when 4 people are staring at you.


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Originally Posted by babyonboard
When I see him how should I act, what should I say? What do I do? I am not 100% sure what I want anymore, but the one thing I am certain about is that I want the option to see if we are salvageable? Does that make sense?

If this is what you truly want, then go for a carefully orchestrated Plan A. Think of writing a one act play. Pay attention to the set, the costuming, the dialogue, the casting, etc. Let him see you looking great and being a great mother to his child. Don't bring up the A at all and no LB's. Instead, show an interest in him, reminisce about good times together, share stories about your child, compliment him on how he interacts with the baby. Be warm and friendly, but don't do it in such a way as to give him the idea you're trying to win him back. Give him the impression that you're resigned to your fate and moving on with your life. Arrange to take a picture of the three of you together that you can send him later.

Try to imagine yourself five years down the road. Regardless of what happens to the M, you'll want to look back on this visit and feel good about it. You'll want to know that you made your best effort to save the M, but also that you did it in a way to preserve your dignity so you'll have no regrets. If it works, your H will be forever grateful. If it doesn't, you won't be haunted by a lost opportunity.

With all this said, I don't know your child custody concerns. You don't want to do anything to jeopardize that.


Me BW 48
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D-days: too many to keep track of, but last one on 4/3/10
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Make sure you look GREAT, are happy, smiling alot and friendly.

is there a magic pill for this. I have no idea how I am going to react when I see him. He didn't even say goodbye to me the day he moved out or the day I moved back to MI. I have so many mixed feelings about this, I feel so confused I swear you could tell me the floor was the ceiling and I would believe it.

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You'll just need to act the part. If you focus on all the ways he's hurt you, it will just be harder to pull off.

Here's another thought. By your treatment of WH during this visit, you'll be setting the tone for your future joint parenting should your M not recover. Imagine your child being old enough to be aware of how you treat one another and act accordingly. From my own childhood experience, I can tell you how horrible it is when divorced parents can't be civil to one another. It's a huge burden for the children to bear.


Me BW 48
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Originally Posted by bea16
[quote=babyonboard] compliment him on how he interacts with the baby.

DO NOT complment him on how he interacts with the child or anything that would enable him to say that even you agree that he is good with the child and should have some sort of custody.

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Sorry, I may not be a family law attorney, but I am an attorney and I cringed at the thought of your WH twisting this to his advantage.

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