Good morning everyone!<P>Please post your updates here. I will add mine this afternoon.<P>We want to know how you're doing, we care and we're here for you. Tell us how you are.<P>Love,<BR>Jo<P>------------------<BR>Josie_Res@Hotmail.com<P>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"

I can't believe my profile's gone. Mine was out there long after the others disappeared.<P>Story in brief: H's "friendship" with boss/co-worker in 1998. H denied anything wrong, would not give up friendship. OW would call him at our house, ignore me, exclude me, etc. EA MAY have evolved into an "almost PA" on business trip 7/98. Found this site 1/99, went into Plan A. More back and forth, fear, denials, arguments, etc. 4/99: H takes job for one of OW's company's clients. 8/99: Gave spouse 3-page letter detailing fears and reasons. That seems to have gotten through. <P>I NEVER HAD ANY KIND OF DISCOVERY.<P>Over time, OW stopped calling the house. H stopped mentioning her. Is she still in the picture? I don't know. Marriage has been much better. I put him ahead of EVERYTHING else, even with parental illness going on. He has responded. I was lucky.<P>A recent trigger: The guy that he and OW used to work for may be looking to hire my H in his new company. This guy already has another fellow from their old company working as a consultant. Does this mean that this guy is looking to "put the band back together", so to speak? I don't know. I think OW has changed jobs, but I also don't know that for sure. We do not discuss her. The THOUGHT of the possibility of this had me kind of upset, but I cannot ask H if OW will be working there too. Right now she is an emotional trigger, not a reality, and I have to just shut up and cross every bridge as I get to it.<P>I suppose I'm a success story, but I'll tell you this much: You never really have that blind trust again.

My H and I have been doing well since our Drunken Karaoke Stupor through Seattle/Tacoma two Saturdays ago. I've been joining him when he goes fishing - and I've had a great time! We're getting along really well, better than we have in a while.<P>He's starting his Phlebotomy (drawing blood, inserting IV's, etc.)course at the college tomorrow. I am a little nervous about that, thinking about the cute college chickies that *might* be there. I'm leaving a "venting" message with Jennifer every couple of days. Plus I plan on stopping by one time just to scope the field (I'll be subtle!), and show them that he has a cute wife at home who is a black belt in Taekwondo and an ex-pro wrestler! : Be afraid, be VERY afraid! *lol*<P>Other than my very overworked nerves, we're doing well! We got family pics done Saturday, probably the best pics we've ever taken together (even though our toddler was a brat that day, we did manage to get him to smile in one pic.)<P>Anyway, I'll shut up now. Uneventful update, but I guess it's better than one full of drama!<P>CB

Hi Everybody:<P>Well, I here at work by myself again today.<BR>As I predicted last weekend, H is back with OW again (we're separated for those of you who don't know) at the trailer. Guess she didn't sell the trailer after all (big surprise). <P>My computer was still online last night while I was taking a bath. I heard the phone line ringing (just the line not the phone...it will do that when someone calls but doesn't break the line); kinda scared me because it was about 1:30 a.m. so I disconnected in case it was an emergency call. Never rang again.<P>Well, H called this morning. Said he had one of his famous flat tires and probably wouldn't get in to work today. Now I know who it was on the phone last night; OW was staying with her ex and her children and as she's done before, she had a fight with ex(probably both of them were drunk) and was looking for H to come rescue her. She use to do this all the time when H was at home. Interesting she thought he could be at my house. Well, thank God, the computer blocked that call.<P>I know this is the way I want things to go.<BR>Being together is the thing that drives them apart...but it still hurts that he can call me up and lie to me again. Did any of you ever have a flat that kept you from going to work all day? No. Neither have I.<P>On top of everything, H got a big check yesterday and suddenly he feels he doesn't need to work today. It could be a co-incidence, but everytime he gets a little (in this case a lot) of money in his pocket he will blow off work to spend time with OW.<BR>Maybe he told her about the big check and that's why she instigated the fight with her ex.<P>OK, I needed just a little vent today. I know this is for the best in the long run (their getting back together) but it still hurts just the same, because it means the H I know will disappear again for a while just when I was beginning to see a glimmer of the old H.<P>God bless you all for being here for me so I don't feel like I'm all alone.<P>Buffy & Faye<P>

I'm here, just posted a recent update.<P>Things with us are good, I'm still withdrawing from nicotine!!! Two weeks now!!!<P>Nothing exciting...just doing ok. That's about it for now.<P>(Look, it's short for once, be happy!!! )<P>Lori

Dear Faye,<P>You are not alone. Please know that. I'm sorry about the OW reoccurence. What a ridiculous pair of ppl those two are (H & OW). Don't mean to offend you about H, but he is very lost. I'm starting to think they both feed on this craziness. The dynamics will certainly change w/them if you bow out and remove yourself entirely from the Triangle. Don't you think?<P>Continue to be strong Faye, and think of other things in your life. Your H and his OW are in for a whole lotta trouble, and I don't wnat to see you get hurt anymore.<P>Love,<BR>Jo

Thanks for being here, Jo.<P>I'm really not that unset about it because it is want I expected and really what I think is best. <P>SIL agrees with you that he feeds on the craziness. H always has been a bit of a chameleon...drawing his life from those around him. <P>Don't worry, I'm keeping myself as far away from them as possible. I've made tenative steps to begin to find another job...probably just a second job for the time being...and I took his winter clothes to him and told him "you may need these this winter" thereby implying that he won't be home at winter time. Small steps, I know, but significant to him, I think. <P>And I do have a time limit which I have set up in my own mind and, with that in mind, have begun the possess of removing myself from his life...and visa versa.<P>I realize that I am a crutch for him and it may be time for him to stand on his own. Pray that I have the strength to let him.<P>Buffy & Faye<P>

hmmm<P>Update... No news is good news?<P>Everything is pretty much the same... Trying to finish up our remodal so we can move out of this dumpy little town (to the lake house my husband bought for mothers day!!!) that seems to house OW and X wife.<P>Made my first telephone call to X wife yesterday. Told her I didn't think it was a good idea for her athsmatic son to come over our house - as it is not healthy, besides: I smoke. I really am uncomfortable about the X living here, and dontcha know that H's family and his daughter have no problem inviting husband out to karaoke when they KNOW X will be there. uggh... Minnesota aint big enuf for the two of us!!!! I am really hoping we have a horrific winter so X will move.<P>OW was bold enough to park her car at the east end of our lot where my husband was busy laying sod, while I was on the west end pulling the sod off the trailer. They were about 150 feet from me, so I walked over to the general area.<P>She asked him if we were going to move, and he said yes. She asked where we were moving. He said the lake. She asked where on the lake. UGGGGHHHH....<P>I decided to blow this off, and the more I thought about it, the better. They have not been talking for a while (at least since Mothers Day) or she wouldn't have had to ask those questions.... right? Right? please say right!<P>Am working now at a college, and there is a LCMS Christian Day School next door, so my son is going to school there. This is something my husband would never have approved of in the past, so this is REAL PROGRESS! <P>So, there is my update.... <P>TNT

I guess this is the right time for an update. Dday #1 was one year ago tomorrow. Contact continued for about another month, and then stopped until July. Dday #2 was August 16th.<P>We are in counseling, and the progress feels much better and more real this time (now I know why, the affair didn't really end the first time but now it has).<P>The first time, I thought we were recovering, but we were really just surviving. We have absolutely made more progress in the past month than we did in the previous year. I guess every cloud DOES have a silver lining.<P>We are doing okay, and even if our marriage does not survive, we will both be okay. We still totally love each other, and that is the most important fact in all of this mess.<P>Still, there are issues of trust, honesty, and faithfulness to be resolved, and the amount of effort and work sometimes seems insurmountable. I guess we have all had moments when we wondered if it would be better to just start over with someone else than to try to overcome this obstacle.<P>For the first time in a long time, I feel very positive. We are doing okay.<P>Peppermint (and firestorm)

My update isn't really the happiest one but I'm doing ok. I filed for divorce 2 weeks ago should be completely divorced in a month. I am moving out of our house with the kids on Friday. I can't afford to pay the payments so I found a nice little house to rent. H and OW and her kids are moving in here the day after we move out. It doesn't bother me to much anymore but the kids are devastated. H is getting really weird. Nothing he does makes a whole lot of sense exept maybe to him. <BR>I'm doing fine. I miss him still but not to bad anymore. I know that I cannot ever live with him again after all the hurt he has caused the kids and I. The kids all say they love thier dad but don't want him to live here anymore. Pretty sad isn't it? Just think only 5 months ago we were on a second honeymoon together. Now here I am almost divorced leaving the home I love just because that man can't control himself.<P>Jill

Still waiting for a court date. Found out today that the delay was because of a paperwork error, so maybe we can get this thing over with soon.<P>Doing fine. Haven't cried in months. Don't even really let it affect my life too much anymore. I still think it is sad and wish that my STBX would take this opportunity, as I have, to make some improvements on himself, his coping skills, and communication skills. <P>He's convinced now that I have been manipulating him, he's happier than ever and that our marriage was a mistake. Oh, but he still loves me! ha!<P>His sexual relationship with the current OW seems to be over. His emotional attachment surely has diminished considerably. He is back to "working" early in the morning until late at night. So not much has changed.<P>As for me, I don't see him. Don't really think too much about him either. I am not in a rush to date, just enjoying the scenery and doing my thing.

this is an update on me!!! I just took my first exam tonight. It was very hard (100) questions...multiple choice and short answer. It is a clinical pharmacology class.<P>I have a splitting headache...and don't know how I did... but I feel very good. I haven't worked in 12 years.. This is my first college course in 14 years... It's nice to know my old brain cells still work alittle. One of the more hurtful things my H said to me was regarding me wanting to learn anything!!!! <P>My kids are all doing fine despite the black hole of not really understanding what the heck happened to their dad....still being above them. We are fine.<P>H is here a lot to see the kids and help me out when I go to school. No talk about the "situation" or this situation...and thats OK... I really don't want to talk about it anyway. He is pretty much into the professional persona. Guess that's where his validation is coming from. He looks alittle better though. The deer in the headlights look appears to be dissipating.<P>I miss him... but realize he has a lot to deal with within himself... I hope and pray he learns to like himself for who is is, rather that what he does.<P>That's my update.

Well, after our "meeting" last week when H decided to tell me he wanted to seperate our finances, date others, and uninvited me to a concert with our kids I just shut down. I don't think you can call it Plan B, but I'd like it to be. You guys are right, Plan B with kids is hard.<P>H had the kids this weekend at his apartment, and it went very badly. The kids do not want to be there and H knows it.<P>Well, of course now he's calling me like crazy and invited me to lunch tomorrow...I accepted though I really wish I wouldn't have. I told him I had exactly one hour and this had better not be to have some big discussion. He says he just wants to see me.<P>What's a girl to do?<P>I think I could do Plan B, but H will suck at it. <P>Kids are coping, I'm finding us a therapist...even 18 yo son said he needed some help...broke my heart.<P>

Brief: H possibly having office romance, postive of interest and attraction to her. <BR>Update: Went ahead and typed letter to myself from "coworker" ratting on them. Guilt, yes I know I have been dishonest. Everyones posts seem very saddening. I am sad and depressed and my self esteem has never been so low. I have never had a self esteem or image problem in my life. So I mail the letter tomarrow, the outcome is almost irrelevent as the trust is gone. So he will deny it, or maybe not, to my surprise. Regardless, the hurt already runs deep. Good luck to all you.

Everything in the affair department fine. Although it crosses my mind everyday, it no longer defines me. Although I will forever be watchful, I no longer fear a relapse or a new encounter.<P>I am trying to lead my H from the land of the unclued to the land of the clued. Mixed results.<P>I do think he is happier with the marriage than ever. I still long for greater emotional intimacy.<P>

Hey Jo, where's that update you promised. It's several hours past afternoon and we're waiting......... <P><BR>Faye

Here's mine:<P>H and I separated for almost 5 mos (Sept 29th). I'm not officially in Plan B because I haven't sent the letter, I have it ready ... just haven't sent it. (sorry NSR)<P>I'm very lonely most the time and I feel alot of emptiness. See my H's face in my mind's eye frequently, it hurts.<P>I'm taking it one day at a time, I'm still working on myself remembering I don't deserve to live in sorrow the rest of my life. I feel happy at times, but it isn't a deep happiness, not yet at least. I do see I have changed because I feel empathy for my H but I still have flashes of anger where I'm disgusted with him. I know that will eventually disappear because I know he's very human and his actions are simply a symptom of a pretty messed up person.<P>At least if my marriage w/my H never recovers (God forbid), I will not allow myself to be in a relationship driven by guilt and manipulated by illicit sex, coupled with years of lies and betrayal .... unlike his.<P>I don't think I'm better than him, and I don't feel self righteous in this pain, I just know right now I'm better off the way things are. He isn't ready and probably neither am I.<P>Maybe one day....<P>Jo

Hey Faye,<P>You and I are so in sync. I just posted it.<P>That really felt weird, I got my email notification sound right after I touched the submit button.<P>I looked and your post was there. Looks like you and I are pretty good buds, Faye. We're communicating telepathically.<P>Thanks for thinking of me.<P>Love,<BR>Jo

Faye,<P>I wanted to tell you I have been praying for your inner strength to show itself so you can allow your H to stand on his own. It will be the best for both of you, he finally learns something and you get to feel good about yourself. You deserve nothing less. <P>Jo

I am almost afraid to post an update, it almosts seems that everytime I do something goes wrong ! <P>But just for y'all I'll risk it . <P>Mike did unsubscribe from the swingers newsgroup he was getting emails through ugh ! I really exploded about that. I mean really, 2 ea's , 2 pa's, then parking lot lady. The newgroup was like another stab in the heart. <P>Since then things have been ok, we are getting along pretty well, and I am trying to go places with him. That seems important to him. Personally I would rather stay home, but hey, it's worth it if it makes him happy. <P>I am on the combo for Hep C. It is nasty people ! I was taken off after two weeks because I developed a rash that looked and felt like a burn on my face. But I have been started back again. Cross your fingers that there is no more rash. <P>The treatment is worse than interferon alone, but many people with the geno type of Hep C I have are having good sustained remissions after the end of combo (Please God let me be one who does too). Mike has been good to me during treatment, if I am feeling to bad to cook he will go get dinner or buy something frozen (Thank heavens for stoffers !). <P>I admit I am afraid that he will cheat again with me so sick from treatment, but this round is only supposed to last 6 months to a year. I hope not.<P>That's about it. <P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

Resilient,<P>I'm not in a very good way right now to post anything good, so I'll save the good for later. I'm kind of down tonight,b/c I am not giving my best to this dying relationship. <P>I think I'm caught up between conflict and total withdrawal from H. It's difficult to explain and I don't quite understand where I am or what I'm doing at this point.<P>So, I'll post later, things are better, but I'm not responding the way I think I should be at this stage. If you have any ideas what might be going on in this head of mine, let me know. Thanks.<P>Cathy

Hi - don't know if many of you will remember me... but I thought I'd post a short update on DH and I.<P>We are OK right now. Things have settled and we have both begun to come around in small increments. He very rarely brings up what happened now, and does his best not to LB too badly. Every now and then we will stumble, but we seem able to recover well enough. He still checks on me now and then - I don't really care. Sometimes he will become suspicious of something on the computer, which totally irritates me. He knows that I know that he watches me, has all my passwords, etc... why would I do something so stupid as to contact ex? Anyway I digress...<P>I have recently become pregnant with our second child (planned), and I am due in March. We spend most of our time together and have made big efforts to do just about everything in each others' company. Our toddler has started a Mother's Day Out program twice a week and seems to enjoy it, so I'm thinking of trying to get a class or two in during that time and work towards my degree.<P>Things have gotten better in the intimacy department on my part (at least I think so), and I feel myself more open towards him in terms of affection. It's probably not as much as he would like, but i'm not sure if it's even possible to satisfy THAT libido. <P>I feel that things are moving in the right direction.

Hi,<P>If you remembered my case, I became very violent, first hitting myself and wanting to hurt baby. then WS offered to let me hit him, and then I was out of control. Later, I realised that chinless banshee was a violent person who wanted to hurt baby, etc.<P>Try as I might, I couldn't control my violent urges. Went to a healing ministry last week and was healed of my emotional trauma. Praise God, and I have control over myself now, and my horrid thoughts of baby have gone.<P>Still unable to accept the A, and how ruined our lives really are now. WS getting more into the word of God, and has begun to see that God is real. My visions which spelt out the OW's name with the sex taking place and the length of time as well as other dreams (including my sister's visions denoting the state where A happened and the situation) must have given him the creeps before but WS is more ready to deal with himself now. <P>He seems repentant but still attack me in order to fend off my questions. I continue to hate him, no love whatsoever; he's just a father to my baby. I am slowly thinking of doing other stuff to become an independent person again and have hopes of travelling the world with my baby and godchildren years later. For the time being, I am busting my butt at this MB site, trying to console some, and getting consoled.<P>My WS is the greatest regret in my life - I told him that - because we had so much going for us and then now we have only the ashes left - so we give it up to God to reinvent.<P>My baby's the bees knees and strawberry cheesecake and WS said he wanted to die but for her.

Here's my update:<P>Still separated (about 6 weeks now). Kids are adjusting pretty well. H has been here almost every day. EA is ongoing, not sure about PA- I think it's on hold. <P>H and I have been communicating more lately and have been able to talk about everything. When he moved out and for a couple of months before that, he said he wanted a D. Just recently, he said that things have changed between us and he is confused again, maybe he made a mistake. I'm trying to not get my hopes up, but see this as a really good sign. <P>I sometimes have difficulty staying focused on what I want and start feeling angry and resentful about what he's done and is doing. No LB though! I am calling Steve Harley today for an appointment.

I'm good. Feeling positive. Able to go about my "usual routine" without much thought process involved....this is a GOOD thing! <P>Usually post in recovery forum. <P>"When the going gets tuff, the tuff get going!"....<P>Hanging tuff, ~Marie

I actually keep a "recovery calender" so that I can see the major crisis and blow ups we've had over the 8 months since d-day, and 7 months since the A ended. What a road!<P>Only one incident a month since May though, <BR>(hmmm....looks PMS related to me)<P>So we are doing much better. His withdrawal took 4 months - but now he seems back to normal and better. For me, being able to let go of some of my anger and blame has come about only in the last month. I stll have my moments, but not near as painful. <P>Plan A is still in place and working. The biggest thing we avoid now is alcohol. This was a huge part of his A, and for months I thought the way to compete was to set up a night out on the town every weekend so he'd start having fun drinking with ME. Well, for me, the drinking always made the pain rise to the surface with various unappropriate emotional outbursts, for him, the drinking just made him sentimental and resentful of my whining. <P>The other big turning point was letting go of my earliet need to talk about it all the time. Just reminded him of the bad stuff, and of the OW. So I have learned to accept the non-verbal reassurances rather than having to hear it from him all the time. <P>So we are doing much better. It still sucks that he had the A, but he seems to have come out of the fog and learned his lesson. I do believe that we are stronger and closer and now healthier than we were pre-A, very ironic that this good could come out of such a hurtful and painful situation. Keeping and demonstrating a positive attitude is the real key to recovery, I believe. That, and time, time, time.<BR>

OK, he is physically healing from the accident, I am healing emotionally. I have had a big O and went to a strip club to learn how to be a bit more "interesting". He is working on my EN's and I am working on the A # 1 EN of his (can anyone guess?!) and so we are getting along pretty well. He is going to a sex addict support thingy and I am happy bout that. I still am having mental moments, but am trying to not have them AT him, big LB. He is trying to understand and we are alternating between talking and you know whating. I have no clue how long this calm will last, but considering we SOLD OUR HOUSE TODAY!!! the phone number and address change that both the OW had and we are having (I still have her work #, and she will get in touch with me if he calls thru yahoo email) things are looking amazingly stable.

I posted this on the Recovery board yesterday, I guess it can be considered an update.<P><A HREF="http://marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/001209.html" TARGET=_blank>Wedding Anniversary Today</A><p>[This message has been edited by F A (edited September 27, 2000).]

I am extremely conflicted about updating at the moment. <P>Just found out OW is posting here. I'd hate to say anything about my marriage that would be awkward or hurtful to her in her healing now that she's gotten the strength to reach out to people. But I'm ecstatic that she finally did it! <P>How do I do this guys?<P>How about if I just say what is pretty well obvious. We're still in recovery... my H is dedicated and he says happier than ever before... it's still really hard on me the way her H and my H can't act civilized when they see eachother... and I still wish her well. But the fact that we're all in such close proximity to eachother with all this tension and emotion between us and no resolution is really, well, icky.<BR> <BR>I'm working on getting a different job with more humane hours so that I can have a life and a marriage again. I've been a total career woman for so long--it's gotten me recognition but at too high a cost. Love and marriage have always been the most important things to me but I was doing what I thought was expected of me to be considered a "success." The outcome was so predictable - somehow I thought my marriage would be immune.<P>We're also looking to move. Something we really haven't told anyone but now, OW knows, too. (I won't divulge your username unless you want me to, Hon, but I really wish I could use something else besides OW! <P>Aloha,<P>L

Almost a month since discovery. We're progressing. Fits & starts. She depressed alot, me anxiety. She wasn't home when I expected her to be on Thursday and freaked. Tried to hunt her down. Fear. Upset her, feels like a hunted. Fortunately, had therapy that PM. My job to handle my anxiety, hers to restore credibility. We're both working hard. Hard to get adjusted to a new life, a new world.<BR>Sent her a Vermont Teddy Bear, she got it today. Deposited substantial love units to her!<BR><P>------------------<BR>*************************<BR>Thronx - one of the statistics....<BR>*************************

H started e-mail affair last Feb. Discovery in march...<P>H took a trip to find himself for 10 days..never even called ...In May 99<P>Things went from bad to worse when he returned...all the while saying there was no one else involved....<P>Just needed to find himself.<P>Antisipated layoff happened Nov 12, the next day H left and disappeared for 3 weeks..<P>finally located him and found out he had been at his folks for the whole time. <P>Acted like he had made a mistake and wanted to get back together...Started believing him until family member spilled the beans and told me H had OW over to his folks for the holidays.....<P>I decided a Divorce was in order...<P>Filed in Feb. after giving H another cahnce when he returned for one week on the way to a new job in MN....<BR>All the time he was gone was following thru with the D. received court order for support and then out of the blue he calls and says H is coming home. <P>Tells me when he returns that OW lived there and now it was over for them. Once again I believed him....<P>He refused to move back into our home and stayed with friends looking for a new job...meanwhile support payments stopped....<P>Was here in town for 4 months...claimed he was unable to find any work...<BR>So he left again ...he says to his folks(?) <P>When he was here found out he had been talking to OW off and on....AGAin he says it's over between them....but have my doubts...<P>D is still on hold and I have started plan B....<P>Also have gone back to counseling to get on with my life "once again" this time...I will not open my heart UNTIL I have proof AFFAIR is over....when his actions and words match then I will give him another chance...otherwise I will learn again to live without him in my life and move on....<P>Have grown by leaps and bounds...realized there is no" HAPPILY EVER AFTER"....even after 29 years....<P>NOW is the time for the rest of my life.....<P><BR>