Resilient,<P>I'm not in a very good way right now to post anything good, so I'll save the good for later. I'm kind of down tonight,b/c I am not giving my best to this dying relationship. <P>I think I'm caught up between conflict and total withdrawal from H. It's difficult to explain and I don't quite understand where I am or what I'm doing at this point.<P>So, I'll post later, things are better, but I'm not responding the way I think I should be at this stage. If you have any ideas what might be going on in this head of mine, let me know. Thanks.<P>Cathy

Hi - don't know if many of you will remember me... but I thought I'd post a short update on DH and I.<P>We are OK right now. Things have settled and we have both begun to come around in small increments. He very rarely brings up what happened now, and does his best not to LB too badly. Every now and then we will stumble, but we seem able to recover well enough. He still checks on me now and then - I don't really care. Sometimes he will become suspicious of something on the computer, which totally irritates me. He knows that I know that he watches me, has all my passwords, etc... why would I do something so stupid as to contact ex? Anyway I digress...<P>I have recently become pregnant with our second child (planned), and I am due in March. We spend most of our time together and have made big efforts to do just about everything in each others' company. Our toddler has started a Mother's Day Out program twice a week and seems to enjoy it, so I'm thinking of trying to get a class or two in during that time and work towards my degree.<P>Things have gotten better in the intimacy department on my part (at least I think so), and I feel myself more open towards him in terms of affection. It's probably not as much as he would like, but i'm not sure if it's even possible to satisfy THAT libido. <P>I feel that things are moving in the right direction.

Hi,<P>If you remembered my case, I became very violent, first hitting myself and wanting to hurt baby. then WS offered to let me hit him, and then I was out of control. Later, I realised that chinless banshee was a violent person who wanted to hurt baby, etc.<P>Try as I might, I couldn't control my violent urges. Went to a healing ministry last week and was healed of my emotional trauma. Praise God, and I have control over myself now, and my horrid thoughts of baby have gone.<P>Still unable to accept the A, and how ruined our lives really are now. WS getting more into the word of God, and has begun to see that God is real. My visions which spelt out the OW's name with the sex taking place and the length of time as well as other dreams (including my sister's visions denoting the state where A happened and the situation) must have given him the creeps before but WS is more ready to deal with himself now. <P>He seems repentant but still attack me in order to fend off my questions. I continue to hate him, no love whatsoever; he's just a father to my baby. I am slowly thinking of doing other stuff to become an independent person again and have hopes of travelling the world with my baby and godchildren years later. For the time being, I am busting my butt at this MB site, trying to console some, and getting consoled.<P>My WS is the greatest regret in my life - I told him that - because we had so much going for us and then now we have only the ashes left - so we give it up to God to reinvent.<P>My baby's the bees knees and strawberry cheesecake and WS said he wanted to die but for her.

Here's my update:<P>Still separated (about 6 weeks now). Kids are adjusting pretty well. H has been here almost every day. EA is ongoing, not sure about PA- I think it's on hold. <P>H and I have been communicating more lately and have been able to talk about everything. When he moved out and for a couple of months before that, he said he wanted a D. Just recently, he said that things have changed between us and he is confused again, maybe he made a mistake. I'm trying to not get my hopes up, but see this as a really good sign. <P>I sometimes have difficulty staying focused on what I want and start feeling angry and resentful about what he's done and is doing. No LB though! I am calling Steve Harley today for an appointment.

I'm good. Feeling positive. Able to go about my "usual routine" without much thought process involved....this is a GOOD thing! <P>Usually post in recovery forum. <P>"When the going gets tuff, the tuff get going!"....<P>Hanging tuff, ~Marie

I actually keep a "recovery calender" so that I can see the major crisis and blow ups we've had over the 8 months since d-day, and 7 months since the A ended. What a road!<P>Only one incident a month since May though, <BR>(hmmm....looks PMS related to me)<P>So we are doing much better. His withdrawal took 4 months - but now he seems back to normal and better. For me, being able to let go of some of my anger and blame has come about only in the last month. I stll have my moments, but not near as painful. <P>Plan A is still in place and working. The biggest thing we avoid now is alcohol. This was a huge part of his A, and for months I thought the way to compete was to set up a night out on the town every weekend so he'd start having fun drinking with ME. Well, for me, the drinking always made the pain rise to the surface with various unappropriate emotional outbursts, for him, the drinking just made him sentimental and resentful of my whining. <P>The other big turning point was letting go of my earliet need to talk about it all the time. Just reminded him of the bad stuff, and of the OW. So I have learned to accept the non-verbal reassurances rather than having to hear it from him all the time. <P>So we are doing much better. It still sucks that he had the A, but he seems to have come out of the fog and learned his lesson. I do believe that we are stronger and closer and now healthier than we were pre-A, very ironic that this good could come out of such a hurtful and painful situation. Keeping and demonstrating a positive attitude is the real key to recovery, I believe. That, and time, time, time.<BR>

OK, he is physically healing from the accident, I am healing emotionally. I have had a big O and went to a strip club to learn how to be a bit more "interesting". He is working on my EN's and I am working on the A # 1 EN of his (can anyone guess?!) and so we are getting along pretty well. He is going to a sex addict support thingy and I am happy bout that. I still am having mental moments, but am trying to not have them AT him, big LB. He is trying to understand and we are alternating between talking and you know whating. I have no clue how long this calm will last, but considering we SOLD OUR HOUSE TODAY!!! the phone number and address change that both the OW had and we are having (I still have her work #, and she will get in touch with me if he calls thru yahoo email) things are looking amazingly stable.

I posted this on the Recovery board yesterday, I guess it can be considered an update.<P><A HREF="http://marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/001209.html" TARGET=_blank>Wedding Anniversary Today</A><p>[This message has been edited by F A (edited September 27, 2000).]

I am extremely conflicted about updating at the moment. <P>Just found out OW is posting here. I'd hate to say anything about my marriage that would be awkward or hurtful to her in her healing now that she's gotten the strength to reach out to people. But I'm ecstatic that she finally did it! <P>How do I do this guys?<P>How about if I just say what is pretty well obvious. We're still in recovery... my H is dedicated and he says happier than ever before... it's still really hard on me the way her H and my H can't act civilized when they see eachother... and I still wish her well. But the fact that we're all in such close proximity to eachother with all this tension and emotion between us and no resolution is really, well, icky.<BR> <BR>I'm working on getting a different job with more humane hours so that I can have a life and a marriage again. I've been a total career woman for so long--it's gotten me recognition but at too high a cost. Love and marriage have always been the most important things to me but I was doing what I thought was expected of me to be considered a "success." The outcome was so predictable - somehow I thought my marriage would be immune.<P>We're also looking to move. Something we really haven't told anyone but now, OW knows, too. (I won't divulge your username unless you want me to, Hon, but I really wish I could use something else besides OW! <P>Aloha,<P>L

Almost a month since discovery. We're progressing. Fits & starts. She depressed alot, me anxiety. She wasn't home when I expected her to be on Thursday and freaked. Tried to hunt her down. Fear. Upset her, feels like a hunted. Fortunately, had therapy that PM. My job to handle my anxiety, hers to restore credibility. We're both working hard. Hard to get adjusted to a new life, a new world.<BR>Sent her a Vermont Teddy Bear, she got it today. Deposited substantial love units to her!<BR><P>------------------<BR>*************************<BR>Thronx - one of the statistics....<BR>*************************

H started e-mail affair last Feb. Discovery in march...<P>H took a trip to find himself for 10 days..never even called ...In May 99<P>Things went from bad to worse when he returned...all the while saying there was no one else involved....<P>Just needed to find himself.<P>Antisipated layoff happened Nov 12, the next day H left and disappeared for 3 weeks..<P>finally located him and found out he had been at his folks for the whole time. <P>Acted like he had made a mistake and wanted to get back together...Started believing him until family member spilled the beans and told me H had OW over to his folks for the holidays.....<P>I decided a Divorce was in order...<P>Filed in Feb. after giving H another cahnce when he returned for one week on the way to a new job in MN....<BR>All the time he was gone was following thru with the D. received court order for support and then out of the blue he calls and says H is coming home. <P>Tells me when he returns that OW lived there and now it was over for them. Once again I believed him....<P>He refused to move back into our home and stayed with friends looking for a new job...meanwhile support payments stopped....<P>Was here in town for 4 months...claimed he was unable to find any work...<BR>So he left again ...he says to his folks(?) <P>When he was here found out he had been talking to OW off and on....AGAin he says it's over between them....but have my doubts...<P>D is still on hold and I have started plan B....<P>Also have gone back to counseling to get on with my life "once again" this time...I will not open my heart UNTIL I have proof AFFAIR is over....when his actions and words match then I will give him another chance...otherwise I will learn again to live without him in my life and move on....<P>Have grown by leaps and bounds...realized there is no" HAPPILY EVER AFTER"....even after 29 years....<P>NOW is the time for the rest of my life.....<P><BR>