How about a joke thread...... - Marriage Builders® Forums

Rules for this thread.1. No discussion, comments, or jokes about A's or the people in them.2. Rule number one is the only rule.
I'll go firstHow come Italians don't like Jehova witnesses?......
They don't like any witnesses!!who(I'd apologize to all Italians but they're the ones that are going to think that's funny.)

This should be a daily required reading for all MB'ersLong ago there lived a brave seafarer named Captain Bravo. He was a courageous man who showed no fear in facing his enemies.One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt."The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and, after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?" The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and waited for his usual request. Captain Bravo calmly shouted:
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"Bring me my brown pants!

WHO - Me being Italian, you were right. I thought your joke was funny and true. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ANOTHER BLONDE JOKEA group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures; the whole thing is just a mess.A guy comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walks away.After the guy leaves, one blonde turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like a man? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "does this taste funny to you?"who

sballplyr,
This is the first blond joke my oldest son ever "got". He was about 5 at the time and still tells it (He's 10 now).
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on a deserted island. One day they find a magic lamp. They rub the lamp and a genie pops out and says they can each have one wish. The brunette goes first and says "I wish I were home". "POOF" the brunette is gone. The redhead sees that the genie is real and wishes for the same thing. "POOF", she's gone. The genie looks at the blond, who is near hysterics, and asks her for her wish. She's blinks back the tears and says, "I miss my friends I wish they were here with me."
who

Jesus was at a disco and having trouble dancing, so he says:
"Help, I've risen and I can't get down!"

3 pregnant women a redhead a brunett and a blond were sitting around discussing what sex their children will be.
the redhead says im having a boy because i was on top when we concieved,the brunette then says i must be having a girl because i was on bottom when we concieved...
at this the blonde bursts into tears...........
what is the matter the redhead and the brunette ask......the blonde replies...........
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I'm having puppies !!!!![ January 18, 2002: Message edited by: LuvOnTheRox ]

I know this ones an oldie....but I love it....makes me laugh every time I read it.WHO IS JACK SCHITT

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married
O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc

They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then
known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,
and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt
and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper
announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says,
"You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

What kind of meat do preists eat on Friday?
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nun

Thanks guys - those are hilarious!
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."who

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.(No, I'm not a blonde, but thought this was a great joke [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] )

Ok, just one more, sent to me by my H!Spiders

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she
asked.
"That's a daddy longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy
longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of crap in our
garden."

You are right--this should be required reading!!These lifted me out of a blue funk, these and the Valentines. Here is my small contribution:An old man was enjoying his 100th birthday party when a reporter stolled over to him and asked, "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?" The old man answered, " Every night at 9PM I have a glass of red wine--good for the blood you know!" " Is THAT IT? A glass of red wine every night?"asked the reporter." Well," said the old man, "cancelling my voyage on the Titanic didn't hurt." Smiles and sunshine--Scotti [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

After church a little girl went up to the minister and yanked on his trousers.
Yes my child what can I do for you?
Is it true man came from dust?
Yes it is.
And is it true man returns to dust?
Yes that is also true.
Then you better come to my house and look under my mommy's frig, I think there is somebody either coming or going!Groucho Maxs once told of a time when he was in Italy near the Vatican when he dropped his cigar. He bent over and exclaimed ""Jesus Christ!!!!!". When he got up and looked behind him there was two catholic preists standing there.
The one produced a cigar from under his coat and said "Groucho you just said the magic word"

More blonde stuff --This one young blonde lady was terribly down on her luck so one day she goes to the park and picks out a little blonde boy; She grabs him and takes him behind a tree where she writes a note;"I'm sorry to do this but leave $10,000 in a brown paper bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow morning at 8:00 a.m.
Signed
The Blonde"She then told the little boy to go straight home.The next morning there was a paper bag behind the tree the next morning and in it was $10,000 and a note."I can't believe one blonde would do this to another!"
OK, OK...Osama Bin Ladin goes to see his astrologer to see what the stars had in store for him....After gazing at the sky on the starry nite the man bows and looks back at him and says,"I have grave news, you are to die soon."Osama is shocked, "I must know when oh wise one...""It will be on an American Holiday" Replied the bearded old man."Which Holiday?????" Cried Osama...The old man put his hand on Osama's shoulder and said, "Does not matter. The day you die will BE an American Holiday......"

Top bumber stickers of 2001If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.

If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive better!

Don't be sexist, broads hate that.

Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!

Constipated people don't give a ****.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

To all you virgins... Thanks for nothing.

If you can read this... I lost my trailer.

Your just jealous cause the voices are only talking to me.

I have the body of a God.... Buddha.

So many pedestrians...so little time.

Eat right, exercise, die anyway!

Illiterate...Write for help.

Cover me... I'm changing lanes.

Boldly going nowhere.

Body by Nautilus, brain by Mattel.

If sex is a pain in the [censored], then you are doing it wrong.

Honk if anything falls off.

If we quit voting, will they all go away?

Heart attacks... God's revenge for eating his animal friends.

About Sex... I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." - Steve Martin 
"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither." - Drew Carey 
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." - Woody Allen 
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." - Unknown 
"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." - Rodney Dangerfield 
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." - Woody Allen 
"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty." - George Burns 
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." - Matt Barry 
"Life is a sexually transmitted disease." - Unknown 
"My sexual preference is not you." - T-shirt 
"Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life." - Michael Sinz 
"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast." - Woody Allen 
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for eincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." - Henry Miller 
"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." - Lynn Lavner 
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL
convertible." - P. J. ORourke 
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." - George Burns

Here are some of my own linesThe guys at work where examining the new cube van when one exclaimed "hey It even has air bags"
Standing there I piped up" I married an airbag once, everytime I walked through the door she would inflate"The X onced asked me what she would look like in long black hair?
I replied Rosanne Barr(You wonder why I'm divored?)When the GF told me she got the job I said" See You're good looks, charm ,and intellgence got you the job now if you where a bit taller you'll be perfect.(Good thing she has a good sense of humour)One young guy at work was complaining about being tired.I told him to stop having sex with his GF first thing in the morning.We kabitzed back and forth about it for awhile when I suddenly said" Look eating your GF is like eating popcorn, It taste good, its filling,but has no nutrisonal valueHave more

Thanks again guys/gals. I knew this thread would start to take on a life of it's own. Laughter is pretty good medicine.Why do engineers whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?.
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Because it helps them remember which end to wipe.
(just trying to flush out SNL - get it "flush". How about it SNL - I know you have a good one!) [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] 
Sorry about my warped sense of humor but I consider "Dumb and Dumber" a classic.
who

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know but they probally stand in the dark and ***** about it(GF's joke)
How many men does it take to change the same light bulb?
I don't know but we're not afraid of the dark(my response)
What do you get when you turn three blondes upside down?Two red heads and a brunnette [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from
Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a
fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer
persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you
pay me five dollars, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer,
you
pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end
to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the
earth
to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a
$5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all
his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem
and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to
no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and
asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer
$5, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.

Here's my Texas joke cuz thats where I'm from!
A Texan who was a new daddy was going around bragging to his new friends about his new son. He said to his friend," My son is the best little Texan ever, Why he came out weighing 20 lbs!" Impressed, his friend took the cigar he was offered. A few days later, the friend saw the Texan again and asked how the baby was doing. The Texan replied, "Oh, he's just great, why he weighs, 10 lbs. now." Puzzled, his friend asked," Didn't you tell me last week that he weighed 20 lbs, so how can he weigh 10 this week?" "Well" replied the Texan, "that's because we had him circumsised"Hee-hee!

So true!!
One day, God calls on Adam & says, "Adam, I have some good news and bad news. The good news is that I gave you a penis and a brain. Bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one at a time" who

A group of English gentlemen are sitting around the den of a London men's club, and it's a special gathering, because the oldest member, Colonel Rowlinson, is there.One of the men says, "Colonel, why don't you tell us a tale from one of your exploits?"Colonel Rowlinson says, "Well, there was a time years ago when we were trekking through the Kenyan jungle. The guides were quite tired, what with carrying all the bundles as they cleared a path through the dense underbrush. We came to a clearing, so we sat to have a spot of tea and regain our strength, when suddenly, out of the foliage, leaps a nine-foot tiger. RRROOAARRR! My God, I soiled my trousers."One of the gentlemen says, "Well, Colonel, that's perfectly understandable, what with a huge TIGER coming at you."The Colonel says, "Not THEN, you blithering idiot. Just NOW when I went, RRROOAARRR!"

Ladies, this one has been in my joke book for over ten years;Seems this guy was on a red eye flight across country....well, deep in the night, he really has to go, but the mens toilet was always occupied when he wanted to go.Finally, one of the lady stewardesses (Do they still call them that?) told him that he could use the ladies room but, she added, "DO NOT PRESS ANY OF THE BUTTONS IN THERE."The man thought this a bit odd, but he complied.
So, he is sitting there doing God's work and he looks across the little cubicle and there are three buttons WW, WA, ATR.Well, being a man, he naturally pressed the first button. Suddenly, warm water spritzed up and cleaned his bottom."Gee" he thought to himself, "These girls have it OK." So then he pressed WA and a jet of warm air came and dried his bottom, then a powderpuff patted his behind with a delicate fragrance talcum powder."FAR OUT!" He said to himself and then he just could not resist so he pushed the last one, ATR.
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When he awoke, he found himself in the hospital. Startled and scared he found the nurses call button and a middle aged woman came in and glared at him."Why am I here?" He demanded."Don't you remember?" The nurse asked."NO!""Well, before you went into the bathroom, the stewardess told you not to push the buttons, but we found out that you did. That last button was the Automatic Tampon Remover. You can find your penis under your pillow."

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. Barman says, "Hey, you're a duck!" "Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck. "Yeah, but I mean - you can TALK!" says the barman. "Darned right!" answers the duck. "Now, may I have a beer, please."Barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing in the area.
"Oh," says the duck. "I work on the building site over there. We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll be in each lunchtime for a pint."
And each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunchtime lager. Next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round. The circus owner comes in for a pint, and the barman tells him about the talking duck.
"You should get it into your circus," he says.
"Make a lot of money out of a talking duck. I'll speak to him about it." Following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime.
Barman says: "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner. He's very interested in you." "Really?" says the duck. "Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily." "Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?" "That's right." "That's one of those tent things, isn't it? With a big pole in the middle?" "Yeah!""That's canvas, isn't it?" said the duck. "Of course," replied the barman, "I can get you a job there starting tomorrow. The circus owner's dead keen." The duck looked very puzzled. "What the heck would he want with a carpenter?"

I might just run myself off the board with this one.
What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?.....
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Nothing!Sorry ladies. I deserve whatever I have coming. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] who

[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] pepperthere is this woman and man on an airplane. The lady sneezes, takes a tissue and wipes her nose and shudders. The man looks at her couriously and wonders if she is ok. The woman does this 3 or 4 more times. Finally, out of couriosity, the man asks her "Mame are you ok? why do u shudder so when u sneeze?" she replies " every time i sneeze, i have an orgasm"embarrassed and yet still curious...he asks...
"what are you taking for it?"
and she says........
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* PEPPER [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
hahha

tee-hee... not exactly MB principles [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] 
The Perfect MarriageTwo times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some
good food, and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in
Cincinnati.I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested
the kitchen.We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically,
100% of all divorces started with marriage.I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

This is retarded--my six year old son made this up while taking a bath:What do you get when you pee in a can?A canape. Get it? A can-o-pee. Well, I had to run clear across the house when he screamed out from the bathtub that he needed me, just to hear this dumb joke. I laughed my head off.

A recent study found out which days
men prefer to have sex. It was found
that men preferred to engage in sexual
activity on the days that started with
the letter "T"

Example of those days are:
Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday and Thunday

WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED . . .
A recent survey was conducted to discover
why men get out of bed in the middle of the
night...5% said it was to get a glass of
water...12% said it was to go the toilet...
83% said it was to go home.

THE PERFECT BREAKFAST
. . . as a man sees it...You're sitting at the
table and your son is on the cover of the
box of Wheaties. Your mistress is on the
cover of Playboy. And your wife is on the
back of the milk carton.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST...A funeral service
is being held for a woman who has just
passed away. At the end of the service
the pall bearers are carrying the casket
out when they accidentally bump into a
wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint
moan. They open the casket and find that
the woman is actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then finally
dies. A ceremony is again held at the same
place, and at the end of the ceremony the
pall bearers are again carrying out the
casket. As they are walking, the husband.
cries out, "Watch the wall!"

A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. "Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language... Stuff I'd never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words... You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MOTHER!" And the new bride began to sob over the telephone. But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?" "I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! COME GET ME, P L E AS E!!!" "Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell mother the 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother...it's just terrible. Words like
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DUST... WASH... IRON... COOK"
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

One more blonde joke lolA plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she only paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!". The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blonde to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde again, said that she is and beautiful and going to Montreal and staying right here, in First Class! The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.The pilot says "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak 'blonde'". He walks over, speaks to her and without hesitation,she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."

A few men jokes to pay back for the PMS joke [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease?
Because they're pigsWhy don't men have PMS?
What would be the point, they act like that all the time. Why do little boys whine?
They are practicing to be menHow do you know if your husband hasn't been home in a while?
The house is cleanIf your husband and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?and my favoriteOnce upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog's legs, she laughed to herself and thought, "I don't think so!"