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Rules for this thread.<p>1. No discussion, comments, or jokes about A's or the people in them.<p>2. Rule number one is the only rule.<p>
I'll go first<p>How come Italians don't like Jehova witnesses?<p>.<p>.<p>.<p>.<p>.<p>.<p>
They don't like any witnesses!!<p>who<p>(I'd apologize to all Italians but they're the ones that are going to think that's funny.)

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This should be a daily required reading for all MB'ers<p>Long ago there lived a brave seafarer named Captain Bravo. He was a courageous man who showed no fear in facing his enemies.<p>One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. <p>Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt."<p>The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and, after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.<p>Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.<p>That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?" <p>The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid." <p>All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.<p>As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and waited for his usual request. <p>Captain Bravo calmly shouted:
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"Bring me my brown pants!

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WHO - Me being Italian, you were right. I thought your joke was funny and true. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>ANOTHER BLONDE JOKE<p>A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures; the whole thing is just a mess.<p>A guy comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walks away.<p>After the guy leaves, one blonde turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like a man? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length."

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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "does this taste funny to you?"<p>who

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sballplyr,<p>
This is the first blond joke my oldest son ever "got". He was about 5 at the time and still tells it (He's 10 now).<p>
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on a deserted island. One day they find a magic lamp. They rub the lamp and a genie pops out and says they can each have one wish. The brunette goes first and says "I wish I were home". "POOF" the brunette is gone. The redhead sees that the genie is real and wishes for the same thing. "POOF", she's gone. The genie looks at the blond, who is near hysterics, and asks her for her wish. She's blinks back the tears and says, "I miss my friends I wish they were here with me."<p>
who

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Jesus was at a disco and having trouble dancing, so he says:<p>
"Help, I've risen and I can't get down!"

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3 pregnant women a redhead a brunett and a blond were sitting around discussing what sex their children will be.
the redhead says im having a boy because i was on top when we concieved,<p>the brunette then says i must be having a girl because i was on bottom when we concieved...<p>
at this the blonde bursts into tears...........<p>
what is the matter the redhead and the brunette ask......<p>the blonde replies...........
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I'm having puppies !!!!!<p>[ January 18, 2002: Message edited by: LuvOnTheRox ]</p>

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I know this ones an oldie....but I love it....makes me laugh every time I read it.<p>WHO IS JACK SCHITT

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married
O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc

They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then
known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,
and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt
and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper
announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says,
"You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

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What kind of meat do preists eat on Friday?
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nun

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Thanks guys - those are hilarious!<p>
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."<p>who

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Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.<p>She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" <p>She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.<p>(No, I'm not a blonde, but thought this was a great joke [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] )

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Ok, just one more, sent to me by my H!<p>Spiders

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. <p>Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. <p>"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she
asked.
"That's a daddy longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy
longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. <p>"Well, we're not having THAT sort of crap in our
garden."

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You are right--this should be required reading!!These lifted me out of a blue funk, these and the Valentines. Here is my small contribution:<p>An old man was enjoying his 100th birthday party when a reporter stolled over to him and asked, "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?" The old man answered, " Every night at 9PM I have a glass of red wine--good for the blood you know!" " Is THAT IT? A glass of red wine every night?"asked the reporter." Well," said the old man, "cancelling my voyage on the Titanic didn't hurt." Smiles and sunshine--Scotti [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

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After church a little girl went up to the minister and yanked on his trousers.
Yes my child what can I do for you?
Is it true man came from dust?
Yes it is.
And is it true man returns to dust?
Yes that is also true.
Then you better come to my house and look under my mommy's frig, I think there is somebody either coming or going!<p>Groucho Maxs once told of a time when he was in Italy near the Vatican when he dropped his cigar. He bent over and exclaimed ""Jesus Christ!!!!!". When he got up and looked behind him there was two catholic preists standing there.
The one produced a cigar from under his coat and said "Groucho you just said the magic word"

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More blonde stuff --<p>This one young blonde lady was terribly down on her luck so one day she goes to the park and picks out a little blonde boy; She grabs him and takes him behind a tree where she writes a note;<p>"I'm sorry to do this but leave $10,000 in a brown paper bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow morning at 8:00 a.m.
Signed
The Blonde"<p>She then told the little boy to go straight home.<p>The next morning there was a paper bag behind the tree the next morning and in it was $10,000 and a note.<p>"I can't believe one blonde would do this to another!"<p>
OK, OK...<p>Osama Bin Ladin goes to see his astrologer to see what the stars had in store for him....<p>After gazing at the sky on the starry nite the man bows and looks back at him and says,<p>"I have grave news, you are to die soon."<p>Osama is shocked, "I must know when oh wise one..."<p>"It will be on an American Holiday" Replied the bearded old man.<p>"Which Holiday?????" Cried Osama...<p>The old man put his hand on Osama's shoulder and said, "Does not matter. The day you die will BE an American Holiday......"

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Top bumber stickers of 2001<p>If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.

If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive better!

Don't be sexist, broads hate that.

Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!

Constipated people don't give a ****.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

To all you virgins... Thanks for nothing.

If you can read this... I lost my trailer.

Your just jealous cause the voices are only talking to me.

I have the body of a God.... Buddha.

So many pedestrians...so little time.

Eat right, exercise, die anyway!

Illiterate...Write for help.

Cover me... I'm changing lanes.

Boldly going nowhere.

Body by Nautilus, brain by Mattel.

If sex is a pain in the [censored], then you are doing it wrong.

Honk if anything falls off.

If we quit voting, will they all go away?

Heart attacks... God's revenge for eating his animal friends.

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About Sex... <p>I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." - Steve Martin <p>
"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither." - Drew Carey <p>
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." - Woody Allen <p>
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." - Unknown <p>
"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." - Rodney Dangerfield <p>
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." - Woody Allen <p>
"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty." - George Burns <p>
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." - Matt Barry <p>
"Life is a sexually transmitted disease." - Unknown <p>
"My sexual preference is not you." - T-shirt <p>
"Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life." - Michael Sinz <p>
"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast." - Woody Allen <p>
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for eincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." - Henry Miller <p>
"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." - Lynn Lavner <p>
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL
convertible." - P. J. ORourke <p>
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." - George Burns

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Here are some of my own lines<p>The guys at work where examining the new cube van when one exclaimed "hey It even has air bags"
Standing there I piped up" I married an airbag once, everytime I walked through the door she would inflate"<p>The X onced asked me what she would look like in long black hair?
I replied Rosanne Barr(You wonder why I'm divored?)<p>When the GF told me she got the job I said" See You're good looks, charm ,and intellgence got you the job now if you where a bit taller you'll be perfect.(Good thing she has a good sense of humour)<p>One young guy at work was complaining about being tired.I told him to stop having sex with his GF first thing in the morning.We kabitzed back and forth about it for awhile when I suddenly said" Look eating your GF is like eating popcorn, It taste good, its filling,but has no nutrisonal value<p>Have more

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Thanks again guys/gals. I knew this thread would start to take on a life of it's own. Laughter is pretty good medicine.<p>Why do engineers whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?<p>.<p>
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Because it helps them remember which end to wipe.<p>
(just trying to flush out SNL - get it "flush". How about it SNL - I know you have a good one!) [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
Sorry about my warped sense of humor but I consider "Dumb and Dumber" a classic.<p>
who

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How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know but they probally stand in the dark and ***** about it(GF's joke)
How many men does it take to change the same light bulb?
I don't know but we're not afraid of the dark(my response)<p>
What do you get when you turn three blondes upside down?<p>Two red heads and a brunnette [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

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