I hope I'm in the right section. I've read the post about cheating husbands and wives and feel very bad. I met a man at a friend's house. We had a brief conversation that to me seemed like nothing. A little later my friend had a function, I saw this person and we had a conversation again. I thought he was really nice and that there was nothing to it though we exchanged numbers. We began talking more frequently and now talk daily. When we talk it is like I'm in heaven. He seems very interested in my life and says all the things I wish my husband would say. He tells me he is unhappy in his marriage and that they live like two separate people in their home. Although I'm happy to talk to him, I feel a heaviness and depression sometimes when I stop talking to him I feel I shouldn't be the way I am with him. We only talk right now. He wants to meet up. I've been putting him off. I don't know what might happen if we should meet up. I've tried to stop talking to him twice but he found a way to get my attention again. I'm trying to find the strength to let go of this situation.

Yep, you are in the right place. You'll get some good advice.
And yep, you are playing with fire. You are having an Emotional Affair. You need to stop all contact if you want your marriage.
How would you feel if your husband was having these 'conversations'- with another woman? And she was making him feel good because she was telling him things he wished you would say to him, but he never told you his needs.

I assume you have told your husband your needs, he's ignored them and thats why you've found yourself in an EA?

I'm sure others will chime in, with much better advice, but I would say you need to NIP IT

Then you need to be talking to your husband and not some other man. Talking to another man will certainly not help your marriage. In most cases, couples do get complacent with each other and just live life thinking everything is fine. If YOU have a problem, and I'm assuming your husband is not a mind-reader, then you need to actually make him aware of it so he can have a chance to fix it.


That's what they all say (I said the same thing when I was cheating on my husband). I can assure you that his wife probably has no idea that there's an inkling of a problem. I'd bet money that they are still sleeping in the same bed and still having sex.


Listen to this voice that's telling you that you are heading down a very dangerous road...a road in which there are no do-overs, no U-turns. No, you shouldn't be the way you are with him. This is true.


"Only talking" doesn't mean it's not an affair, btw...that's how all physical affairs start... Do NOT meet this person. It's much easier to avoid an escalation of the affair if your husband is aware of what's going on...the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Yes, to answer your question: you are playing with fire...and you're about to get burned.

This is exactly how affairs start. OM is listening to you (or pretending to) because he's a slimeball that wants to get in your pants. You need to have NC with this OM again. He's a professional cheater.

So maybe I do need to stop talking to him. Last night, we were suppose to hook up for a phone call and I couldn't reach him. I feel horrible. I've been upset all night wondering what is going on. For some reason I felt that he was probably with his wife. Which I guess he is suppose to be, we only say we're friends and have decided this will not get too big between us. But I feel so much emotional turmoil from him not calling me. For a moment I felt he might have actually been sleeping with his wife or doing something with her. I've been talking to him every night for a week and now he goes missing. I've considered that he might be hurt or something. Yet I doubt that he is. He's been so gentle and caring all this time. I feel totally abandoned. What was I thinking to get in this situation?

You need to break contact with the OM and tell your husband the situation.

Work with your H to figure out what EN you/both of you need to work on together.

Do not let this go any farther.

The way to get out of this situation is to never contact him again and to let your husband know so he can hold you accountable. Otherwise, "what's one more call to a friend," and it won't stop, it will just get worse.

I'd like to make an analogy here. You are at the point of no return. You can either stop now, or keep going and make a mess of your life. It's like drinking. You've had a few drinks and you are buzzing right now. If you stop now, you'll be okay and just go to bed. If you have one more, you won't be able to stop yourself, and you'll get wasted and sick. You need to stop now. You've developed an emotional attachment. It's starting to get out of contol. There is a train coming - GET OFF THE TRACKS!

PLEASE listen to me. My wife did same thing, meet up with a gut, they talked, got so wrapped up in the feelings, I told her that I knew something was wrong, we made plans that I would be the best husband in the world, and she denied the other guy. After just 10 days of phone calls she got bored, called him they met, talks a while ( I even called her during this meeting, did not break the spell). They kissed a lot, then had sex in a public place. My wife has never done a thing wrong, but felt so low, and got this from the guy (he just wants sex, PERIOD). Now I an having to move out of my own home as I can not longer even try to live with her (see my post) and we are destine for a DIVORCE! See once you give yourself in much of any way to another man, your husband will be crushed, he will never see you are pure and most of all you will feel like !@#$%^&*. PLEASE, stop the talking, and DO NOT MEET. Think about telling your husband and that will shock him into working on things, but if you keep it up, it will ruin your marriage, as it has mine. One more thing, love is putting the needs of others IN-Front of you own. What you are getting out of this is You putting your needs in front of your H. You already know it's wrong, thats why you posted, and that tells me you are a good person. BUT my wife is a good person too, and look what happened to us. Please think and I will pray that you make the right moves and end it now. All the best, Allovercarolina.

Thanks for the responses. I think you're all right. I made up my mind this morning after all that I went through last night that I wasn't going to take his calls anymore and I wasn't going to call him. I felt really that I was doing the wrong thing. While I was out he called me telling me he had something happen and he and his wife got into it. He apologized and told me he didn't realize how much it hurt my feelings. I told him this is wrong and that we shouldn't meet anymore on the phone or in public then I tried to hang up. He told me that I'm so good for him. And begged me not to stop talking to him. He told me about how beautiful I am. My husband never tell me that anymore. Even aside from this he doesn't tell me the deeper things that my friend tells me and he's extremely intelligent. I think its wrong, but he makes me feel so good about myself. I feel so happy when we talk. But now I feel rotten because I didn't stick to letting him go.

It will be hard to let it go, I think that you are thinking right about it and that will help. I had my cheating wife read your post after I repleyed, she said you were saying the same things she felt BEFORE it got in too deep. It made her cry when she read your posting, I wish she would have done what you have done.

**From a hubby point of view, your husband is likley not thinking that you are not pretty, he has done what we all do, get in a rut. He thinks you are so faithful and solid with him, he has forgotten to say the things that make you and him a couple. Please let him know how you are feeling, if he clearly understands you, he will start that romance right back up. You will have to tell him that you feel unloved/no so pretty ect..... to make the point, but you can get him back on track.

*Warning* Your friend with all the right words is a player, I know, thats what I did to get married women to sleep with me, tell them what they wanted to hear. PLAYERS know that the safest cheat is with a married women, because she will have to keep it quite. You tell your friend that you are still madly in love with your hubby and would never carry on behind him, that guy will give up. As long as you take the nice words and fake emotions, he will dish them out, he is a player. Allovercarolina

This is why you need to tell your husband, so you don't keep getting sucked back in. And when you tell your husband, you tell him how you feel and how you would like him to talk to you and compliment you. You see, you and your husband got complacent in your marriage, and now take each other for granted. Your husband probably doesn't know how you feel, or doesn't make you feel good about yourself because you stopped making him feel good about himself. The OM is a PREDATOR that is feeding off this. He knows what to tell you to pull you in further because he wants SEX. Then you'll feel even worse because OM will stop acting like he cares about you because he's gotten what he wants, you'll feel guilty about cheating on your husband, and he may leave you.

It's like eating because you feel bad. Sure that cheesecake or ice cream tastes good and might make you feel better right now, but when you gain 20 lbs, you'll just feel even worse about yourself. TELL YOUR HUSBAND!!! This will be a wake-up call to the both of you that you need to work on your marriage more. That is the way to make you happier, not laying down in the gutter and having an affair. And because you know it is a problem, it is ALREADY and emotional affair. Do not let it go any further! Tell your husband that this guy is playing you. He's no different than the guy at the bar who is hitting on you and trying to get you to go home with him, he is just more subtle and refined. He's probably done this before, and he'll do it again.

t will be hard to let it go, I think that you are thinking right about it and that will help. I had my cheating wife read your post after I repleyed, she said you were saying the same things she felt BEFORE it got in too deep. It made her cry when she read your posting, I wish she would have done what you have done.

**From a hubby point of view, your husband is likley not thinking that you are not pretty, he has done what we all do, get in a rut. He thinks you are so faithful and solid with him, he has forgotten to say the things that make you and him a couple. Please let him know how you are feeling, if he clearly understands you, he will start that romance right back up. You will have to tell him that you feel unloved/no so pretty ect..... to make the point, but you can get him back on track.

*Warning* Your friend with all the right words is a player, I know, thats what I did to get married women to sleep with me, tell them what they wanted to hear. PLAYERS know that the safest cheat is with a married women, because she will have to keep it quite. You tell your friend that you are still madly in love with your hubby and would never carry on behind him, that guy will give up. As long as you take the nice words and fake emotions, he will dish them out, he is a player. Allovercarolina

swept,

My husband had an affair behind my back.

He was all filled up with what the OW said to him.

And the things he was saying to her, well, they weren't true either.

He told her we didn't have sex often enough - well, we were having sex during the same timeframe they were......

He told her we didn't do enough things together - well, we had regular "date nights" out together, and I could show receipt after receipt of evenings out at dinner, movies, drinks......calendars of social times at friends' houses.....

He told her we didn't talk much - well,

IF we had talked JUST ONE TIME about how he was feeling

HOW HE WAS REALLY FEELING

He never would have had the affair.

Because I could have had a chance to fix things with him.


Instead, he chose to LIE to me.

And LIE to her.

And LIE to himself.

He chose - just like you are - to indulge in a fantasy, reap up the benefits of all of those compliments from the OW, and make himself FEEL REALLY GOOD. For right at that moment.


But I will guarantee you this:

The moments you feel REALLY good right now? When that OM is spreading on the honey? Well, if you enjoy those moments, you better enjoy them a lot, girlfriend.

Because the very SECOND your husband finds out about them, the devastation wave that hits your REAL LIFE and your REAL LOVE will wipe out every moment of what your FANTASY life enjoyment had to offer. And then some.

You need to think twice, three times, and more than that.

You have a chance to stop this thing in its tracks, right now.


Before the wave hits.

ONE CONVERSATION with your husband - a REAL man, can stop years of agony, devastation, pain, and distrust.

You have absolutely no idea of the heartache before you if you continue with this affair. It only ends with you leaving the other man's bed in shame, wondering how you can live with yourself.

The answer is, it takes YEARS to clean up that mess.

YEARS.

And that is IF you work hard at it.

My God. Read a little more here, woman. Don't make the mistake of your lifetime.

Is a man who would CHEAT on HIS OWN WIFE worth it to you? Give that some thought.

Now stay off the phone.
Stay off that drug of self-indulgence. Because that is what this affair is.

Go to the Emotional Needs Questionnaires, sit down with your husband, and TALK to YOUR HUSBAND about what you are needing.

And don't answer the other man's calls ever again. Not even to tell him you aren't going to answer his calls.

Schoolbus

Also,

Read

"Not Just Friends"

By Shirley Glass"


Because that OM is NOT your friend.

He is his OWN friend, nothing more. Make no mistake about that.

SB

I've been reading posts here on and off all day...and i think I've found the right place...I too have been having an EA, he ended it last night. His wife found out. It began about 6 months ago, we tried to end it a few months ago but we couldn't.I've cried all day, couldn't sleep last night and my DH has no idea whats wrong with me. I can't tell him...i want to contact my OM so bad, this hurts so much. I didn't realize how attached i had become, i think about him constantly. I can't stand the idea of having no more contact with him. I never thought i would allow myself to become involved in something like this. I've been happily married for 13 years, have four boys, teach school and am very active in church. But DH works a swing shift and istn't home alot, leaving me to raise the boys. The attention my OM gave me was wonderful, made me feel so special..knowing that he was thinking of me during the day..needing me...i don't know how i will get over this. Please help me find the strength to overcome this.

Start your own thread and we will help you. The first thing you need to do is tell your husband how you are feeling. Most times your spouse will change if you aren't happy, but they don't know if you don't tell them. He likely thinks that working the swing shift to provide you and the kids with more money is what you want.

I have been reading posts on here for days. I am speaking from the other side as a betrayed spouse (BS). I have just found out that my H has been having an A and I imagine that it started in exactly the same way that your relationship with this man did.

Please cut off all ties with him now or this will just get worse and worse. There will be no winners, just lots of pain.

My H is a lovely man but a real charmer. He has been working away a lot recently and this is when the A started. I imagine he was lonely, started a conversation and things just escalated from there.

I wish in some ways I had never found out and that he had just ended it. I believe he loves me but was just being a cake eater.

This A has devastated me. We both want our marriage to work but it is going to take me so long to get over this.

Concentrate on your marriage. It will be hard to get over the OM. I think that EA's can be harder to get over than PA's especially for women.

Anyway, good luck and please do the right thing. If you think you are in turmoil now it will be nothing to how you will feel down the line if you continue this relationship.

kimleigh2

I appreciate the advice that everyone has shared. I decided not to talk to this man again. As of yesterday I didn't talk to him all day. It has been hard. Sometimes I feel sick or anxious for not being able to talk to him but I am toughing it out. Even now I'm up late because I can't sleep. It is very hard for me because I want to talk to him and also he has been leaving me messages. Its just hard right now. I've thought about talking to my husband about it but think he wouldn't understand and would be more angry than anything. I'm just trying to deal with how I'm feeling right now.

Of course your H would be angry, but not at your sharing the truth. You CAN'T do this alone. Give your H the opportunity to make his choice. You don't want this secret hanging over (strangling) your marriage for the rest of your lives.

Translation: I don't want my husband to know that I've been having an emotional affair and deal with the consequences of my actions, so I'll come up with some BS justification that sounds good to me to not tell him. That way, if I can't go without talking to OM, I can still do it without him finding out.

I'm sorry, but you are not strong enough right now to go it alone. You need your husband to know so he can hold you accountable. Tell him now. Otherwise, you risk screwing things up further, and he'll be MUCH MORE ANGRY when he finds out later. You had an emotional affair on your husband. He's going to be angry and hurt. DEAL WITH IT. You cannot shelter your husband from your poor decisions. Let him know how you feel and I bet you'll be surprised by his reaction. He may get angry at first, but I bet after a day or two, he'll start trying to be there for you. You need help to get through withdrawal, otherwise you risk relapsing.

I looked up the acronyms in these posts and now they make more sense to me. So I guess I am a wayward spouse. Doesn't sound too good a title. The man I'm talking about is the other man(OM) and my husband is just H. I went ahead and talked briefly to my h about how i'm feeling. He seemed to be dismissing what I was trying to tell him or just tell me that it doesn't mean he isn't attracted to me because he doesn't say it. I only talked briefly with him because really I just don't think he understands me. The more I tried to explain the more I just wished I could talk to my friend. I coudln't tell him about om. And I just felt like I had to talk to him. So I called him again. We click when we talk. He doesn't say anything negative to me, he comforts me. I just am confused. Could it be wrong when we click so well? He isnt' happy and I'm not happy.

I said:


You said:


I was right. You need to tell your husband about OM. Otherwise, you'll never stop talking to him.

You said:


He didn't understand you because you were LYING to him. You didn't tell your husband the WHOLE STORY. I bet if you told him you were having an affair, he'd pay more attention to what you had to say.

And then you showed how foggy you were when you said:


You click when you talk because he's trying to get you to have sex with him. When you first started dating your H, I'm sure you clicked with him as well. Don't deny it to justify your actions, you wouldn't have married the man if you didn't. But eventually, both of you got complacent and stopped talking. So what is the solution? Talk to someone else? NO!!!! Working on talking with your husband again. He likely has NO CLUE the level of your dissatisfaction.

Let's say you did leave your husband to be with OM. Do you know what would happen? Eventually he would stop talking to you as well. You wouldn't click any more. Is it worth ruining two families, so you can feel a little better right now, even though it won't last? Is it worth throwing away your dignity for a fleeting feeling? The ONLY reason OM is talking with you and caring at all about what you have to say is because HE"S TRYING TO GET LAID!!! Can't you figure that out? Your husband isn't trying to get laid anymore, he's become complacent and is taking you for granted. It is up to you and your husband to work through these problems.


Drugs feel really good, but they are wrong. Eating a pound of cheesecake a day might feel well, but it isn't good for you. I'm a man and I LOVE sex, but having a mistress so I can get laid every day is wrong, no matter how much enjoyment I get out of sex.

You need to TELL YOUR HUSBAND ALREADY! I'm getting fed up with you. You are no different than any other cheating wife. They all say the same things. Do you want to be known as a homewrecking tramp? Do you want your children to know that you broke up their family because you left their dad for another man? Do you believe in God? What is His stance on marriage and adultery? The devil is trying to trick you into doing the wrong thing. TELL YOUR HUSBAND NOW, so he can help you work on your problems and keep you away from this slimy OM.

As a betrayed spouse who had to deal with an unrepentant WW for several months as she continued her affair right in front of my face, your justifications are a slap in the face. I can tell you that my WW wrote in her journal the following passage:


She wrote that in her diary, and I saw it. Now, she is horrified that she ever wrote that and wishes it would have never happened. She understands now how foggy her thinking was. Get your head on straight. There is no way to justify your behavior, so CUT OFF ALL CONTACT WITH OM AND TELL YOUR HUSBAND before you do something you REALLY REGRET FOR LIFE!

Swept,
Jim is so right. You did just lie to your H by telling him a few distorted pieces of information. Does your H know that you are talking to this OM every night? Does he know that the night the OM did not call, you were basically beside yourself and could think of little else?

Don't you think your H has a right to know what is going on here? You are clearly addicted and obsessed with this foggy fake relationship with the OM. Do you think that these little phone calls and brief meetings make a real relationship? You don't even know this guy. Really, you don't even know him and you are this caught up with the whole deal? It is not real. More than likely, he wants to have [email]s@x[/email] with you. You have no idea what is going on in his marriage==just what he is telling you.

Get honest with your H and build the relationship of your dreams with your H. You can do this. You have this site to help you do it. Wouldn't that be a wonderful feeling--to be excited over your H? It is within your power to do just that. Tell your H how you are feeling and get working on your own M. Go no contact with this OM. Who knows what he is all about, but it is no good.

This is so true.

I'm a FWW- you have no idea the world of hurt you will be in if you continue this.

Please stop right now, be truthful with your husband, and get into marriage counseling.

I have been EXACTLY where you are right now, EXACTLY and I wish I would have stopped before things went any further.

If you don't want to be with your H anymore the least you can do out of respect for him is to get a divorce before you get involved with someone else!!!!!

Please, please, please tell your H.

Your H is a good man. He will be angry, but you can work through this together. You can learn new ways of communicating with one another. You can have a better M and a better life.

OM is a slimeball. I guarantee he is a serial cheater. You feel bad now... wait until you give up your M for a dirtbag who unfortunately chose you... you really could be anybody... unfortunately, he honed in on you. You are not special, you are a conquest. You are SF.

OM knows EXACTLY what to say. He is smooth... they all are. PLEASE tell your H. And think about telling OMW. Is she a friend of yours?

I'm praying for you. I was a FWW for many years. Please, please, please listen to what the good people are telling you here.

Katie Mae

I am a FWW swept. I am fimiliar with all that you are saying, I had the same emotions. If you can muster all the strength you've got, please do, and don't go down that road. It is soooooo easy to fall into the trappings of an A. What is not easy is the emotional fallout and the distruction they cause. You are feeling high today? Think about feeling lower than low when you H finds out or OM's wife finds out. It is AWFUL. Remember, what goes up, must come down, and it will come down hard.

Please, don't make the same mistakes I did... or the many other FWW's that are here. I am so glad you are posting! At least there is still a chance for you.

Yes, yes, and yes again. It absolutely IS wrong for you to continue speaking with this OM. I am involved in a situation that is identical to yours. My wife did not make ONE attempt to talk to me prior to starting an EA that turned into a PA (don't know to what extent yet though). She went from telling me every day how much she loved me and how happy she was, to telling me that she felt like my roommate and that we didn't have anything in common. After snooping, I discovered the EA (which had already started when she first expressed her unhappiness) and the PA. The EA/PA went on for 3 weeks before I confronted her and now she is so ashamed of herself and begging for my forgiveness.

The point is that all of this could have been avoided with JUST ONE real conversation between her and I, in which she was totally honest. It sounds like you made barely a token effort to get your husband to talk to you, because you went into the conversation with the bias that he couldn't understand you like your OM could.

Even if you don't feel you owe your H the honesty, do it for yourself. Tell your H everything and give him the chance to correct so that when all is said and done, you KNOW that you did not turn your back on the marriage. If you continue down this road you are going, it won't be your H that threw away the marriage, it will be you.

Please, please, please, take the advice everyone here is giving you and act on it. Not one person has supported your affair with the OM, and that should tell you something. You are in the wrong, but you have the chance to correct it before its too late.

Do the right thing.

SW,

No wonder you can't think clearly...you are living a lie every minute of the day.

Not a speck of truth in it.

You are manipulating your BH by withholding the truth of your actions...to put another man ahead of your marriage, your BH and your own vows.

You are manipulating OM's W by withholding the truth of your actions because her husband is putting you ahead of his marriage, his BW and his own vows.

You are lying by omission every minute of the day to your BH and to OMW. Both of those people are innocent. They are not choosing to attack two marriages...you are. OM is.

Because you think you click with each other.

Okay.

And when you stop clicking with each other, with two wrecked marriages in your rearview mirror...and he finds another woman who clicks...and you find another man who clicks...then the wreckage continues, the number of victims mounts...and in ten years, you look back and see where you keep experiencing the same issues again and again and replacing your partner doesn't work.

What then?

You can never undo the wreckage...the destruction. Not within our human power. You are making the choice to destroy based on some guy, much like your BH when you first met, who "gets you" until he really gets you...and then decides, you've got too much baggage, you're too easy, he could never trust you (what you do with him, you'll do to him)...and drops you.

Because getting you now is fantasy...it's all words...and it's all lies...he's lying and you're lying...and you're choosing to believe you are not lying to each other. How old are you?

When you first meet someone...you show best selves...how often have you yelled, given the silent treatment, withdrawn from, ignored, begged, blamed, accused this guy?

How often have you acted just those ways to your BH?

If this were cocaine, you could see the wreckage quickly...and I think you do...and you just don't care.

Why not live from truth? Choose to make a copy of your phone records to show your BH how much you talk to this guy...state your feelings about this guy...and that you know you're having an affair. Then mail a copy of your records to OMW...stating the same things.

That way, you can stop manipulating others through withholding important information from their lives...stop manipulating The Truth.

Btw, there's no "trying to talk"...there's talking and not talking. "I am having an affair with (state his name). I choose to think about him all the time, feel deep feelings for him. I am not honoring, cherishing or acting from love for you right now. You meet my EN of FS and DS and other acts of service. I'm using you for some of my ENs and him for other ENs."

That's real talking. Owning what you're doing and why you're doing it.

You know what was at the core of my infidelities? I wouldn't accept who I really was...that I was whole...and what I wouldn't do for myself, I could not do for others. So I didn't accept my DH for who he really was...didn't really have the time for constantly judging him for what he was or wasn't doing. So I felt judged, rejected (not accepted) and blamed my DH for doing that to me...for being the cause of my own feelings.

There is a truism for humans..."Where your thoughts dwell, there is your treasure." Like the Golden Rule, we usually twist it around...what this means is...you choose where your thoughts dwell...what you choose to dwell on becomes your treasure. You are generating your own feelings for OM...he's not doing it. You're choosing to dwell on him and forsake your vows, your marriage and your BH. Harley proves if you will dwell on your choice to love your BH, to act on it... then you will spill over, filled up from feelings of love...because that's where you chose to dwell.

Not real...not based on who OM is...based totally on WHO you are. Your choice. You can fall deeply in love with your BH again...or live in fantasy. One heals and rebuilds a marriage...the other destroys two of them.

Just like you're blaming OM for your own feelings...and your BH for your feelings. They are yours. No one can be the cause, control or cure for you. You're living that backwards...and OM knows well that if he can take the credit for causing you to feel accepted, then someday, like your BH, he'll be sure to feel the blame...be torched, just the same.

What you do to BH, you'll do to OM. Because you're doing it to yourself.

Choose to be truthful...so you can know the truth of yourself. Continue to lie like you are, and you won't know when you're lying to yourself, or others, or not. Total fog and chaos. That's what comes from lying every minute of the day.

I remember.

LA

Swept,


I have a grand idea.

If you LOVE this OM so much,

then what is holding you from telling your husband?????


If the OM is sooooo wonderful

soooooo great

soooooo perfect for you

Then tell the whole [email]d@mn[/email] world.

Tell his wife, too, while you are at it.



Hmmmm. But you don't want to do that?????


Because you know it is NOT true.

YOU KNOW IT.


Now get your butt in gear, tell your husband that you are actually pining for your marriage to get fixed.


Because you are HERE looking for help to stop this stupid, adulterous behavior. That much tells me you know it is stupid, dangerous

and wrong.

At least you ARE here - you are seeking advice to stop the behavior. I give you credit for that. What I don't credit you for is having the courage to talk to your husband and give him the chance to fix things. Because you are still caught up in the fantasy - and I want you to focus here:

Fantasies are LIES.


The OM is telling you lies. He lies EVERY DAY to his wife. Think about this - YOU are lying EVERY DAY to your husband, so what makes the OM any different from YOU????? He lies, you lie. Why wouldn't he lie to you?????

OM just wants you in the sack, for sex, and NOTHING else. Take that to the bank. He lies to you, he lies to his wife. There is no difference for him, as long as he gets his.



The biggest lie in all of this, and you will soon know this, is that you believe you are in love with the OM. One day you will see the lie in that, and you will be sick over it.

The rest of the lies you need to fix include the lies you are telling your husband.

Fix those tonight. Tell your husband about your affair. Let him start to repair his own heart, that you are working on breaking right now. And let you two get to work on your marriage together.

Because each and every time that you contact the other man, you are working on destruction. Nothing else.

Destruction.


Count on that.

Sweptwrong, I am in a very similar situation. I posted a few nights ago. I've had no contact since friday night, when he told me his wife found out. Its so hard, i know so much how you feel maybe we can stay in contact and help each other be strong.

I've been reading and re-reading the post. The point I think everyone is trying to get across is that there is much more that I can do than I'm doing and I am taking that into consideration. I don't know anyone here but I think what is being said is intended to help. All I can say is that to me right now it seems nearly impossible of a situation to give up. I've taken the time to put it on paper that I'm choosing to be in this situation to help empower myself. And that helps me see this in a different way. Now what do I do? I'm not ready to talk directly to my H about it and quite frankly I am very weak still.

I wanted to also add that the OM told me last night that he has been in relations with other women in his marriage. He mentioned one occurred very recently that had caused some problems with his wife. I guess, that in itself should send up a "red flag" and cause me to steer away. People have already put in the posts that he is probably a womanizer who just want sex. From what he has admitted I'm beginning to think so. Yet I'm attracted to him. No man that I've dated even my husband has touched me emotionally the way he has, but I need help to just drop this. What do I do?

Live up to your vows that you took when you got married. Stay away from people (like OM) who don't know how to live up to their vows.

Confess to your H and let him meet your needs.

Swept and Amy,

You are both addicted to your OM. That's why you feel weak. You are drug addicts, and OM is the drug.

I think "supporting" one another is a bad idea right now, because active addicts only enable one another. Please keep posting and receiving support from those who have previously been in your shoes... we all have empathy, even if our words seem harsh. We speak the truth that you need to hear... please listen to us!!!

I was with FOM for three years. I thought he was my soulmate and love of my life. I thought he was sent from the heavens to be with me. I would have done absolutely anything to be with him. I closed my H off and treated him like dirt, because OM was so "wonderful."

My FOM was a serial cheating, drug addicted narcissist and I knew this the entire time I was with him. It didn't matter though... I was "in love." He told me I was the most beautiful girl in the world and he would die with out me. He persued me relentlessly. I was swept into a horrible, self-serving fantasy world for three years. I lost two of my best friends from childhood because of OM, and stopped spending time with most of my other friends. I ignored my H, and treated him like sh*t. My parents found out and my mom enabled the A but my father wouldn't speak to me. I began smoking cigarettes after being quit for five years and started drinking heavily. I didn't know how to fix the situation and felt hopeless. I thought of suicide on a regular basis.

What helped me was this... telling my H, changing my email and cell phone number (with my H by my side), getting into therapy, MC, posting here, telling OMW, and apologizing to those I hurt when I was active in my A (my family and friends). It was the most freeing, life saving thing I ever did. I'm convinced I would be dead if I didn't confess and do these things.

You are here, which is wonderful. Please listen to us! Swept, I'm wondering why you won't tell your H. Do you think he'll hurt you? Or are you just ashamed, and don't want to hurt him? Tell us the reason why, and maybe we can help you formulate what you're going to say to him. Because believe me, you want to tell him now. Most likely much of the "romantic" feelings you have for OM will disappear once you confess and take action with your H to help you. These feelings are holding you back, but believe me, you can correct this entire situation and get rid of them faster just by telling your H.

Are you ready to do that?

KM

Sweptwrong,
I know it can be hard to read so many opinions strongly expressed against what you are doing, but you are right that they are there to help you. I think every single post here has told you exactly what to do, the only problem is, its not the advice you want to hear. It seems like you are looking for a way in which you don't have to end your friendship/relationship with this OM, but here's the rub. Thats NOT going to be possible. If you want your marriage to succeed you need to commit to making that happen. If you want your marriage to succeed, you cannot be friends with someone who wants it to fail, and YES, the OM wants your marriage to fail. Make no mistake about that.

Its not going to be easy, but like everyone here has said, you need to cut the OM off completely. Tell him that what the two of you are doing is wrong, and that it ends now. You will not take any more of his calls, and if he continues to try and contact you, you will notify his wife.

After that, tell your husband what happened. He will definitely be angry at first, but ultimately he will appreciate the strength it took to end it before it turned physical, and he will KNOW that you CHOSE him and your marriage. Then, sit down and really tell him everything you are feeling about your marriage, and everything you want to change. Maybe even buy the book, His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair.

In the end, it comes down to your decision though. You can act with strength and integrity and do what everyone here is recommending. Or you can act with deceitfulness and cowardice and run to the arms of your OM instead of talking with your husband.

One path will lead you to either a renewal of the love for your husband and commitment to the marriage or a conscience-free divorce.
The other path will lead you to the surefire destruction of two marriages, overwhelming feelings of shame and remorse, and regret that you didn't follow the very good advice you have received in this thread.

This is what you said:


Now being someone who knows how certain men work, this is what your statement should be corrected to read.

"No man that I've dated, even my husband, has MANIPULATED me PSYCHOLOGICALLY the way he has."

OM is a PLAYER, plain and simple, who will MIND-[censored] you into getting sex. When he is done with you he will discard you just like the others he told you about. Then what?

Then you asked:


We've all told you the answer several times, but it's not the one that you want to hear, or it is difficult to carry out. That doesn't preclude it from being the right answer. You should TELL YOUR HUSBAND, WRITE A NC LETTER TO OM and have NC FOR LIFE, and HAVE YOUR HUSBAND CONTACT OMW TO LET HER KNOW THAT HE IS CHEATING ON HER. That's what you should do. It is up to you to actually do it.

[color:"blue"]
This, more than anything else, should convince you that he is not the man that you are fantasizing him to be. He just admitted to lying repeatedly to his wife and to you, yet you still see him as a knight in shining armor. Have you ever heard of the "Occam's Razor"? Paraphrased, it states, "All things being equal, the simplest answer tends to be the right one". So whats more likely here? That he is a serial cheater and liar, but he is devoted to you? Or that he is simply lying to you and using you as well. [/color]


[color:"blue"]
This also sounds like a classic example of the WS rewriting history. The simple truth is that your husband probably made you feel the exact same way when you were dating, but you are so wrapped up in the fantasy now, you can't view your husband as anything but an ogre with no understanding of the real you. [/color]

Swept, I understand. When OM tells you these things, you feel "special." Wow... he's telling me he cheated before, but has learned so much... I can't believe how honest he is with me. This makes me feel special.

Please read the following letter that was posted a couple of years ago by a fellow MBer. It really struck a chord with me when I was active in my A:


He'll be different with you, you're special.
Author Unknown

You two have a "connection," a rapport that he didn't have with his wife. You have more things in common, similar personalities. He's pointed out all the ways that you two are so alike - it's just uncanny. You are so lucky to have met him at this point in your life. He says that he really appreciates you for who you are - and he's the first person to really do that, isn't he? Sure, he said the same things to *her* when he got together with her (and then grew to hate so many things about her), but it's different with you. He couldn't possibly be operating from scripts anymore. And it's so nice to finally have someone YOU can lean on, isn't it? It's hard being on your own, managing a household, and doing it all yourself. All of a sudden, here's this guy offering to help in ways that no one ever did. Knowing all the things you have been longing for and wanting in a partner. He couldn't possibly be hooking into your heart-felt desires and hurt places and pretending to be the answer, because he knows that's where you are vulnerable. He couldn't be pretending to like the things you like, and want the things you want, and be the person you have been looking for, because it's part of his patterns. Just because he did that with the women that came before you, doesn't mean he's doing that with you. He's really sincere this time.

He's told you all his deep dark secrets (at least, all the ones he thinks can win him sympathy and attention). He's acknowledged how he behaved badly in the past (even though it was brought out by who he was with). You two must have a very special connection for him to be so open and "honest". And he seems to be remorseful, so that must mean he won't do that kind of thing again, right? Not with you. You're special. So what if he told his wife the same kinds of deep, dark secrets, opened up in the same way? So what if he exhibited the same kind of remorse for things he did to partners before HER? So what if he told her all the same sob stories and pretended to be working on his [censored] with her? So what if he lied to his therapist and others? He really means it this time, with you.

He says things are going to be different with YOU. Even though he SAYS he accepts responsibility for his actions, he also says that it was really things in HER that brought out his bad behavior. He's not going to be like that with YOU. Sure, he said the same things to HER, but this time he'll be different, because he's told you how YOU are different from her. (So what if he's told other people how you remind him of HER? That doesn't mean he's following the same old patterns, targeting the same types of women. That doesn't mean that he'll be turn emotionally abusive with YOU at some point...) He's such a sweet, wonderful, helpful guy, it MUST have been something in HER that caused him to act badly, right?

So what if he was busy cutting her down behind her back with their mutual friends while he was telling her she was the "best thing that ever happened to him", and that he had "never loved anyone as much as he loved her"? That doesn't mean he still has the capacity to be manipulative and dishonest and cruel. He was just confused, the poor man. And besides, he won't be like that anymore, with the right woman to love him and dote on him. She just didn't give him the kind of attention he really needed. But YOU will. So he'd NEVER do that to YOU.

So what if he didn't leave his wife before he got together with you? It's not like an abuser should spend a few years in therapy, and work on his stuff before getting involved in another intimate relationship, right? I mean, after over 4 decades of emotional abuse and being an abuser, he can get himself fixed up enough to stop harming others in a just few months, with the right woman to rescue, er, "help" him.

And those stories of how his wife emotionally abandoned him... He's just had it so ROUGH all his life! He told you how she didn't even try to keep the marriage together or say that she wanted to try to salvage their relationship when he said he wanted to separate. She was just so unfeeling! The poor man - here he was trying so HARD and all - seeing a counselor and everything! It couldn't possibly be that SHE was so emotionally beaten down by his behavior that she was RELIEVED when he wanted to leave... He couldn't have been emotionally abusive and dishonest with HER too! If his wife didn't trust him, it had nothing to do with HIM and his behavior - it must have been HER issues.

Even if in his past, he DID say, "Some of the problems I bring about by vamping, pumping up the emotional content of a situation. Of course that's easy to do with a new friend. I have a stock of techniques and behaviors, tested. I'm also inventive ... so I pick up new techniques fairly quickly ... It's just I'd rather enjoy the "romance". It comes naturally to me. I enjoy doing it. It's also a head trip for me, with my poor self esteem, to have someone so taken with me. I like the first results, the joyous feelings, the elation, the euphoria, just not where it leads." ... he couldn't possibly still have been doing that with his wife, or even YOU. He has REAL, deep feelings for you. You've even seen him cry and show his vulnerable side. That MUST mean he's sincere, right? He couldn't possibly be using YOU for an ego stroke. Not the man YOU know.

He's just so caring and sensitive and considerate. He's so sweet, rubbing baby oil all over you, making love, sending you little cards, doing all those romantic things. He really does seem too good to be true - cooking, cleaning, intelligent, literate, creative, affectionate. So what if he was like that for the first year or so with her too... before the subtle patterns of abuse started to creep in? So what if all that "wonderful" behavior shifted until he was telling her he loved her one day and then telling others how horrible she was behind her back the next? He wouldn't do that to you too, down the road. She must have brought it out in him. He couldn't possibly be playing the same game over and over again, with you as the next target. No. This time, he'll be different, with you.

So what if he has been incapable of honesty and integrity all his life? So what if he actually admitted to his wife (just about the time you two started up again): "I am afraid of truth-tellers. I have so many lies in my past and present. The truth burns." That couldn't mean that he was telling lies to YOU. After all, he was so HONEST about his dishonesty so THAT'S got to count for something... It must mean he realizes his mistakes and won't make the same ones again, right? The fact that he acknowledges things is so CONVINCING. If he acknowledges it, then he couldn't possibly STILL do those sorts of things. Sure, sure. He had HER convinced too. But he couldn't possibly be STILL lying to YOU. You're special.

Yeah, sure, he might have done those kinds of things in the past, but the past is the past, right? It doesn't have any danger of repeating itself with you. Because you're special. His love for you is so strong and your connection to each other is so different (at least, that's what he has told you, and you know you can trust him, right?), he wouldn't EVER do anything deliberately hurtful or malicious to YOU. He wouldn't undermine YOUR support network and use your friends to hurt YOU. He'd never make snide remarks about YOU behind your back and then make sure you found out about it. No no no. She must have brought that out in him. But you, you're special.

Besides, he's been in therapy. That must mean he's sincere, right? He wouldn't possibly be using the whole "therapy" thing as a cover-up to make himself look better because his reputation got damaged after the fiasco with his wife. He couldn't possibly be using contrition, and the "I feel so bad about myself"-line to get sympathy and support! He couldn't possibly be going after women who have a strong sense of personal responsibility because he knows how to manipulate that to try and get them to feel responsible for HIS sick feelings. He couldn't possibly be seeking out active, intelligent, dedicated women, so that he can PUNISH them when they don't direct all that energy to HIM. Just because he has engaged in such manipulative behavior in the past doesn't mean he would be doing that NOW. Not with YOU. You're SPECIAL.

He's so contrite and sincere about "working on his issues", he couldn't possibly be lying about that. Just because he has a history pathological lying to himself and others, doesn't mean he'll be that way with you. Besides, if he has deceived himself so completely that HE doesn't know it's a lie, then he can't be held accountable for it, right? He can always claim that he doesn't have good "memory" for things in the past. But don't worry. He won't use that sort of deception and evasion with YOU. You're special.

The poor guy just made bad choices before (you). Sure he made mistakes, but if his ex doesn't want to have anything to do with him, and now think he is mentally ill, it must be because SHE is unstable - I mean, look at how amazing and kind and charming he is with you... He couldn't possibly have been like that with HER TOO... He wouldn't be using stock romance "lines" on YOU.
This time, it's REALLY love. You're Special.

Sure, he did a *few* things in his past that were unkind, but he needs to be forgiven for HIS behavior, (after all, she drove him to it), but HER mistakes and reactions to his emotional abuse, were unforgivable. But things will be different with you. He won't think YOUR mistakes are unforgivable. He won't apply a double-standard to YOU. He won't expect YOU to be perfect and subtely criticize you when you don't measure up to his standards. You're the one who is going to change his life.

And speaking of unforgivable, of COURSE he can't forgive her for doing things that *hurt* him (he's so deeply sensitive, you see) - but he couldn't possibly have lied about the things he said she did. He couldn't possibly have "set up" situations so he could cry foul... He wouldn't have ENCOURAGED her to do things so he could later claim that he was hurt by her... And, well, even if he DID, maybe do that, he certainly won't do it with YOU. You're too special for that. Any time he tells you he's happy for you and he encourages you to do something, he'll REALLY mean it, with YOU. He won't create a revisionist fantasy of your past so that he can insist you did things to hurt him as a justification for his cruelty to you. He won't secretly resent you for not devoting all your time to him. Even if he DID do that with her, he won't do it with you. Especially after he makes all those sacrifices for you. He won't secretly be dependent on YOU for all his attention. He won't be more demanding of you and your time and resent you when you don't give it all to him. Not THIS time. You're SPECIAL.

He's such a nice guy, he won't "help" you (especially unsolicited) and then have an unstated hidden agenda like he did with all the others. He's going to claim his right to be "selfish" now, because he's been so USED from all the excessive GIVING he did in the past that nobody really appreciated. The poor guy. He's never taken time to be selfish in the past - not even when he was sitting alone in his room, sucking off his hurts, or using other people. That wasn't selfish - that was just "acting out". But he's better now. Don't worry. He won't use his new-found right to be "selfish" against YOU. No. He really is a changed man, with you. With you he will give unconditionally.

It's no WONDER he behaved so badly! Look at how his wife was always hurting him, oppressing him with her refusal to live her life solely for him, expecting him to be honest with his feelings and actions, when he just wasn't ready. And besides, he just can't handle confrontation, you know? And like, she's just so SCARY when she's upset (it's just so unbeCOMing when women display any anger!) that he HAD to act that way. She actually raised her voice at times! Can you imagine? Nobody else is allowed to have anger and raise their voice except HIM. Because, like, he can't DEAL with it, and he shouldn't be expected to! He couldn't possibly have been projecting HIS issues on her so that someone else could have his anger FOR him, or so that he could get angry with someone other than himself! He couldn't possibly have been DELIBERATELY hitting all her hot buttons to hurt and upset her so he could lay blame. And, well, even if he DID do that for years, he won't do it anymore, with you.

And if somehow you accidentally do things that "trigger" his old abuse patterns, he'll be so sweet in telling you how you are doing things that remind him of her, so that YOU can change YOUR behavior. After all, you wouldn't want him to start acting emotionlly abusive again because of something YOU did.

And you don't have to worry about that, because you'll never get upset with him, and you'll never challenge him to be honest or to accept responsibility for his actions. SHE did that, and it was "controlling," but it'll be different with you, because you know better. And you won't need to worry about calling him on his behavior anyway, because he'll NEVER lie to YOU. He'll always be completely honest and upfront with you. He won't have to "forget" any promises he made to YOU. If he is inconsiderate, it won't be DELIBERATE, with you. If he lied to her or anyone else, it was because they drove him to it. With you, he won't withhold information, or distort or omitt the truth. He won't break fundamental relationship agreements with YOU. He won't HAVE to, because you'll be right there validating him 24/7, supporting him and telling him how he's so CLEVER and BRAVE to have escaped such a horrible relationship, and how wonderful it is that he is working so HARD to overcome his terrible past!

And it's a good thing he's not going to do any of those things he might have done in the past, because then you won't have to worry about forgiving him. You see, she REPEATEDLY forgave him for the lies and the accidentally-on-purpose "mistakes", and all that did was make him feel bad about himself - that she could forgive and he couldn't. Wasn't that AWFUL of her to make him feel so bad that way? So she DESERVED to be punished even more. And she should NEVER have shown any guilt when he manipulated her. It just caused him to hurt her more. He told her it was "like blood in the water for sharks" for him. She should have known better. YOU know better. But then, he won't be manipulative and passive-aggressive with YOU. He'll be different with you. You're SPECIAL.

And sure he made her work at the relationship when he wasn't really trying, but that wasn't being dishonest - he just didn't know what he really wanted, so that made it OK to put the burden of the relationship responsibility on her. Sure he admitted that he wanted her to make him the first priority in HER life, but he wasn't willing to afford her the same consideration. But that wasn't one of his patterns. He won't do that with YOU. Besides, he admitted his dishonest behavior after he abandon her, so that makes it ok. It erases everything. His slate's clean. He even said he was sorry, months later, so that shows how sincere he was. He couldn't possibly still have been interlacing the apology with blame. He's not STILL acting manipulative and projecting issues.... and well, if he is, he's only doing that with HER because of their history - he wouldn't do that with YOU.

And it's so sweet how he still talks about how much he cared for his wife, how much he did for her out of love. Sometimes, he even talks fondly of his treasured memories of her, of how she "helped" him (when she wasn't hurting him, the witch) - that must mean he's a deep, sensitive guy, right? Maybe you can even "help" him to forgive her and heal from his terrible past... Just like SHE thought she could "help" him.

And besides, he did so many NICE things for her and all those other women. That should count for SOMETHING, right? It's not like he was emotionally abusive or manipulative ALL the time. So it kind of cancels things out, right? It's not like he HIT anyone or anything. At least the things he did didn't leave any VISIBLE marks. Besides, he probably just made honest mistakes, that's all. He couldn't have actually got off on seeing them hurt and crying. He wouldn't have LAUGHED condescendingly in someone's face while she was crying. Not the man YOU are involved with. HE certainly doesn't remember doing anything like that - and HIS memory is inviolate.

He's told you how different he feels with YOU. How different he IS with you. How healing your love is. How much he NEEDS you. What a wonderful person he thinks you are. How important you are in his life. How much he values and appreciates you, and misses you when you are not together. How amazingly transformed he feels now that he has finally met someone as SPECIAL as YOU. So what if he told her the same things? He really MEANS it this time, with you. He's a changed person, (this time, for REAL) with you. You're special.

You don't need to talk to any of his ex's to find out what he was REALLY like, because the past is the past, right? You couldn't possibly learn anything from their experiences, because he's not going to be like that anymore. It couldn't possibly be that they have anything valid to say. Besides, you trust him to tell you the WHOLE TRUTH about his past (as far as he can "remember" it), right?

And he's such a sensitive, caring guy, he REALLY does wish he and his wife could be FRIENDS now. He can't understand why she would have NO desire to have any contact with him, NO desire to have anything to do with him - after all he did for her, after what they had. After all, SHE is the one who did unforgivable things. He's so uncomfortable around her now, because of how much she hurt him. He wouldn't STILL be projecting HIS issues on her, and implying that they are HER issues... After all, he's a changed man.

But you don't have to worry. He won't PUBLICLY divulge YOUR insecurities or deeply intimate things you told him in confidence to other women - he won't betray your trust - like he did with her. No matter what happens between you and him, you'll ALWAYS BE FRIENDS. You and he will always be able to work things out. So what if he said EXACTLY THE SAME THING TO HER (and all the others) too? It'll be different with you. You're special.

He won't wait a year or two before he starts in on YOU. He won't then use his knowledge of YOUR insecurities and emotional hot buttons to deliberately hurt YOU. He won't start using psychological warfare to couch his deliberately hurtful actions in social plausibility with YOU. He won't flirt with your close friends and use any attraction they might have to him, against YOU. NO. He won't tell you that you just weren't meeting his needs or living up to his expectations. He won't expect you to read his mind. He won't try to make it look like YOU are the reason he is unhappy, and YOU are the cause of your relationship problems. He won't set you up to get upset with him so that YOU are the one who breaks it off with him, (or you get so angry with him that he HAS to break it off with YOU) and HE looks like a martyr (AGAIN). So what if he made all the same promises to her? Just because he was following some of his old patterns when he got involved with you, doesn't mean he's going to follow through on the rest of them. He's CHANGED now.

You're special. Just like SHE was when he was with HER. Just like they ALL thought they were.

YOU are the one who can "fix" his wounded ego. Your relationship with him will be So Much Better than his last ones, because you're special! With you, he'll be honest and straight-forward for the first time in his life. He won't become cruel or passive-aggressive. He won't play headgames anymore. He'll stop using and discarding people like old kleenex. He won't be rude or unkind or disrespectful like he was with those other women. HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH, HE'S NOW A CHANGED MAN. (Changed for the better, of course.) Not because of therapy. Not because he's removed himself from relationships and taken some serious time to get his [censored] together. Not because he's done any REAL work. Not because he's actually admitted to his real motivations, or made a single sincere change.

He just needed to find the RIGHT woman to "save" him from himself and "help" him become a better man, and that's YOU.

You just KNOW he'll be different with you. Right?

Swept... yes we are trying to help. I've been down the road you are considering going down. It might be exciting at first, but that wears off and next is heartbreak and despair.

More than likely, he is a womanizer. He is giving you hints already. After he's used you, your self esteem will only plummet further.

Please think about what we are saying. We want you to be able to look yourself in the mirror every day and be proud of what you see.

Swept,
Jim and Andrew are dead on correct. Read their posts over and over until you understand. If you continue with this creep, you are going to feel like a sl-t. Do what Jim tells you needs to be done and listen to Andrew about what a creep this guy is, because that is what he is-- a creep looking for conquests. You need to figure out why he targeted you. You are vulnerable in some ways and you need to figure out what those vulnerablities are that made him hone in on you.

The reason you feel that no one else has touched you emotionally like this is because it's fantasy.

You're not seeing him in his worst light- like his wife does. You don't see him throwing his clothes on the floor and sitting around with stinky feet. His wife does. You don't have to pay bills with him, fight over chores with him, raise children with him or any of those things.

That's what makes the addiction so powerful.

When you guys are talking- you're only talking about good things. With your H you have to talk about reality.

Really think about that for a minute.

We're trying to prevent you the pain that we went through and still you're not listening.

No one ever told you in life you can have everything you want- so why do you feel so entitled to have OM???

You asked what to do? The best thing would be to tell your husband, go no contact with OM for life. If you won't consider for life, how about six months? If your relationship with him is so special shouldn't it wait six months?? Go NC with him and really work on your marriage for that period of time- if he really cares for you then he should have no problem with that!!! After all you guys are soulmates right?

I know that everything everyone has said here it is true. Reading the post has been sobering for me. OM has mentioned nearly everything said here to me. I'm special. We understand each other. We belong together, right for each other. He can't do without me. Even has told me that he loves me, which I'll admit seemed strange so soon. My feeling that he couldn't do without me had really kept me from just separating myself from the situation. I really felt that I couldn't just let him down. I was curious as to if the OM felt I was really special. I called him today and asked him if he's told other women that they were special. He got defensive and tried to put a guilt trip on me. I asked him what made me so special and he said a lot of good things. But I was concerned about him being defensive in his reply to me. He also let me in on a little more of him and I discovered he has all sorts of problems. Financial especially. I think he's been using me and all the other women to numb his personal problems. And I've been using him to make me feel better about myself and the lack of romance between my h and I. After talking to him I called my H and told him we needed to talk. He's gone on business but will be calling me this evening. There is nothing for me to do but tell him and try to get past this phase in our lives. I have looked at some of the articles on the site and think they will be helpful to read. I Plan to make it my next step to read up on these also. I appreciate the advice.

My OM did this, too.



Mine did too. Maybe we have the same OM. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />



Swept, this is very insightful for someone still actively involved in an EA. I'm very proud of you! I'm so happy you called your H and will be speaking with him about this tonite. Are you talking in person or on the phone?

I agree with Katie, I'm so proud of you!

My MM also said all the same things to me. I know now, he was using me as an escape, and vice versa. It's so not worth it!

Excellent choice, sweptwrong!
You have just gotten a glimpse of the reality that will shatter the fantasy.

Remember when you call your Hubby tonight, he is going to be upset. Just be honest with him and expect him to be angry. Don't get defensive or try to make it about him.

Just tell him that you know what you did was wrong, there is no excuse for it, and you want both of you to focus on meeting the emotional needs of the other and rebuild the love in your marriage. I'd recommend buying His Needs / Her Needs and reading that together.

Again, you are doing the honorable thing here. Don't even take OM's calls anymore. Total blackout. You and your husband can write the No contact letter together and mail that to him/his wife.

You just got a glimpse of this guys true colors. Remember it. You said you felt guilty for letting him down. Why? You would feel guilty ending and affair with a married man when you yourself are married? What about your obligations to your REAL husband who cares enough about you to not have a wife AND a mistress? I understand that you are getting it, and that's great, but STOP TALKING TO THIS WORTHLESS POS OM! Just do it cold turkey, but tell your husband so he can help you through it.

I'm proud of you for making the right decision.

Expect your husband to first react with anger. Don't worry, most of us reacted that way when we first found out. Give him a few days to calm down and come to terms with the shock of what you just told him. You'll find out that after a few days, he'll probably take this better than you would have thought, so don't let his initial reaction make you regret your decision.

Good--now as everyone says--stop all contact with this loser. He is using you and you are using him.

Remember when you tell your H about this, make sure you own full responsibility for your actions. He will likely feel that he did something wrong that led you to have an EA. No, you are responsible for your actions in this EA. Make sure you own them completely.

Later, you will need to take a close look at your boundaries. What was it about you, where are your weaknesses that led you to this inappropriate set of interactions with another man.

Excellent job on taking that first step; you're a lot more rational than most in you situation.

thanks for the words of encouragement. They are greatly appreciated. It seems an uphill battle right now. I told my h what happened. He was upset but said we'd talk
about it more when he gets in on this weekend. I'm not looking forward to that because he sometimes holds a grudge. He asked me some questions that were uncomfortable to answer but I think I understand why. I feel better about telling him but am still having problems feeling like I've hurt the OM. He's been calling a lot And I still feel like I'm missing something not talking to him. But I know that everyone has told me that I should not have contact with him. I've turned off my cell phone to try to get away from calling him back. Yesterday I felt so empowered to walk away from him. Today, I feel like I'm crashing emotionally. Its been hard. I've been talking to my best friend and my mom trying to not call him. They have been helpful. And it has been good being able to come post what i'm going through here. I really don't think I could handle this alone. Again thanks for the help.

What you are experiencing is psychological WITHDRAWAL. I want you to KNOW that it gets better after SEVERAL WEEKS of NC with OM. However, contact will suck you back in. Steer clear of OM and after two months I guarantee that you won't have any feelings for him anymore, just disgust at what he was trying to do. I want to applaud you for doing the right thing.

Katie Mae, You said you've been through this as a wayward spouse. Did you have problems with feeling like you've hurt the other person? Did experience a lot of emotional confusion and upset? If you did could you please give me some pointers on how to shake what I'm feeling? thank you.

It's called withdrawal. It's important to get through withdrawal...just as if you were a drug addict. In order to get "sober" you have to go through the bad parts of withdrawal...but when you get past it, it is so worth it. You will wake up one day and say "what was I thinking!?!?"

Delete his numbers from your cell phone. More importantly, change your cell phone number TODAY - and DO NOT give the new number to the OM. Close your email account TODAY and open another one - and DO NOT give the email address to the OM. It seems impossible right now, but no contact is imperative to the success of your marriage. Do everything you need to do to ensure that you will not come in contact with the OM ever again.

Start writing your No Contact letter so that you can have it ready for review by your husband when he gets home and you can send it together. Expose this affair to his wife (or have your husband expose to her).

Sweptwrong,
Cathy gave you some very good advice there that you should follow. Either change your email address or add his email to your spam filter so you never even see what he sends you. Also, changing your phone number will help get through withdrawal and will go along way to convincing your husband you are avoiding any contact with him.

With your husband away, I would NOT sit home by yourself. Its good that you are talking to family about it, and if they are around, I would go spend time with them until your husband returns. What do they say? Idle hands are the devil's playground or something like that? Stay occupied with people who support you breaking off the EA and make sure your Hubby can reach you at any time. Make sure Hubby has the numbers to reach them as well.

Again, congratulations on making the hard decision. It shows you have character and integrity, especially since you came here to ask for advice in the first place. Keep going in this direction and you will shake your addiction to OM in no time.

Swept,

Yes, I had the same feelings. It is completely irrational, but they are there nonetheless. OM becomes so desperate and it makes you feel bad. You are addicted so not speaking to OM makes you feel bad. You see your role in the whole mess so you feel bad. All bad feelings, because the whole situation is horrible!

The LAST thing you want to do is tell OM you feel bad. He is desperate and trying to guilt you for his "fix." PLEASE don't cave into this. I know it hurts... it feels so, so terrible... but it is a completely irrational response which is predictible in a cycle of addiction.

Andrew and Cathy are spot on. Kudos to you for telling your family. I did the same thing, but they only helped to a point. The real help came from my H. It's so unfortunate yours won't be back until the weekend.

Try and keep yourself busy and with other people as much as humanely possible. Do NOT be alone, and if you are, do something to keep yourself busy, like watching a movie (no romances!) Reward yourself for not speaking to OM, like buying yourself some flowers or fresh produce from the farmer's market. Treat yourself to a nice piece of chocolate. Turn your cell phone completely off, and put it in a drawer. Tell all your friends and family to call your landline at home. Keep posting here.

When your H gets home, have him go with you to get a new cell number. I wouldn't do it now without him around. You might give in and call OM, or OM might get desperate and come by your house. Having H there with you will give you strength. Same with your email accounts.

You will cry and get angry. You will be a wreck. It won't make any sense to you. But once you get through it, you will be much happier.

Don't worry about your H holding grudges for now. Tell him straight up, "I know you hold grudges, and this has been the hardest thing I've ever had to tell you. I need your help getting away from this person... please, please help me." It's hard, it's horrible, but it's very necessary. H will be mad but he will also want to protect you. In the long run, he will feel glad he was involved in this. It will actually bring you both closer to recovery to do these things together.

So what is your plan for today? I think it's time for you to leave your house, and leave the phone behind.

Whatever you do, do NOT talk to OM, no matter how sad you feel.

KM

My FWH's EA was very short-lived. He was obsessed though with the interaction and felt its addictive nature. Before he really understood the nature of an EA, he tried to hide it from me and thought he could reduce contact gradually so as not to hurt OW's feelings. As the week continued and I began to figure out something was wrong (he had invited her to our house after secretly meeting with her, trying to pretend that he had just happened to get a call from her while he was out), I was acting more and more emotional. I was asking him questions that he could not answer. He saw how emotional I was getting and it dawned on him--I don't care about OW's feelings, I only care about my W's feelings. That was when things became clear to him and he wrote a NC letter. This "discovery" all took place in the course of a week after they had been emailing, phoning, text msging multiple times a day for three weeks.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that it is very good that you told your H because now you will see how your behavior affects him. You will stop caring about feelings of OM because you will be caught up in the feelings of your H. That is as it should be.

The last two days were very difficult. I've been avoiding the OM at all cost. Today, is a little better but I'm still haivng to focus really hard to keep from doing something that I would regret. I am comforted in knowing that others as well went through the same thing and it won't last forever. My husband has been somewaht supportive, but my best friend is really hanging in there with me. Thanks again for the support.

Congratulations, Swept! It's soooo hard. I'm glad your best friend has been so helpful.

When is your H coming home?

You might have moments where it will suddenly get worse, but then you'll get over it. You think it can't feel any more awful, and then it does. Don't do something stupid in these moments. Just ride them out... go for a walk, talk to your friend, go window shopping.

Have you read Suzet's thread on Withdrawl? I'll pull it up for you...

Keep at it... you're doing great!

Katie

Here it is:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post2686313

Swept,

You around? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

KM