I hope I'm in the right section. I've read the post about cheating husbands and wives and feel very bad. I met a man at a friend's house. We had a brief conversation that to me seemed like nothing. A little later my friend had a function, I saw this person and we had a conversation again. I thought he was really nice and that there was nothing to it though we exchanged numbers. We began talking more frequently and now talk daily. When we talk it is like I'm in heaven. He seems very interested in my life and says all the things I wish my husband would say. He tells me he is unhappy in his marriage and that they live like two separate people in their home. Although I'm happy to talk to him, I feel a heaviness and depression sometimes when I stop talking to him I feel I shouldn't be the way I am with him. We only talk right now. He wants to meet up. I've been putting him off. I don't know what might happen if we should meet up. I've tried to stop talking to him twice but he found a way to get my attention again. I'm trying to find the strength to let go of this situation.

Yep, you are in the right place. You'll get some good advice.
And yep, you are playing with fire. You are having an Emotional Affair. You need to stop all contact if you want your marriage.
How would you feel if your husband was having these 'conversations'- with another woman? And she was making him feel good because she was telling him things he wished you would say to him, but he never told you his needs.

I assume you have told your husband your needs, he's ignored them and thats why you've found yourself in an EA?

I'm sure others will chime in, with much better advice, but I would say you need to NIP IT

Then you need to be talking to your husband and not some other man. Talking to another man will certainly not help your marriage. In most cases, couples do get complacent with each other and just live life thinking everything is fine. If YOU have a problem, and I'm assuming your husband is not a mind-reader, then you need to actually make him aware of it so he can have a chance to fix it.


That's what they all say (I said the same thing when I was cheating on my husband). I can assure you that his wife probably has no idea that there's an inkling of a problem. I'd bet money that they are still sleeping in the same bed and still having sex.


Listen to this voice that's telling you that you are heading down a very dangerous road...a road in which there are no do-overs, no U-turns. No, you shouldn't be the way you are with him. This is true.


"Only talking" doesn't mean it's not an affair, btw...that's how all physical affairs start... Do NOT meet this person. It's much easier to avoid an escalation of the affair if your husband is aware of what's going on...the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Yes, to answer your question: you are playing with fire...and you're about to get burned.

This is exactly how affairs start. OM is listening to you (or pretending to) because he's a slimeball that wants to get in your pants. You need to have NC with this OM again. He's a professional cheater.

So maybe I do need to stop talking to him. Last night, we were suppose to hook up for a phone call and I couldn't reach him. I feel horrible. I've been upset all night wondering what is going on. For some reason I felt that he was probably with his wife. Which I guess he is suppose to be, we only say we're friends and have decided this will not get too big between us. But I feel so much emotional turmoil from him not calling me. For a moment I felt he might have actually been sleeping with his wife or doing something with her. I've been talking to him every night for a week and now he goes missing. I've considered that he might be hurt or something. Yet I doubt that he is. He's been so gentle and caring all this time. I feel totally abandoned. What was I thinking to get in this situation?

You need to break contact with the OM and tell your husband the situation.

Work with your H to figure out what EN you/both of you need to work on together.

Do not let this go any farther.

The way to get out of this situation is to never contact him again and to let your husband know so he can hold you accountable. Otherwise, "what's one more call to a friend," and it won't stop, it will just get worse.

I'd like to make an analogy here. You are at the point of no return. You can either stop now, or keep going and make a mess of your life. It's like drinking. You've had a few drinks and you are buzzing right now. If you stop now, you'll be okay and just go to bed. If you have one more, you won't be able to stop yourself, and you'll get wasted and sick. You need to stop now. You've developed an emotional attachment. It's starting to get out of contol. There is a train coming - GET OFF THE TRACKS!

PLEASE listen to me. My wife did same thing, meet up with a gut, they talked, got so wrapped up in the feelings, I told her that I knew something was wrong, we made plans that I would be the best husband in the world, and she denied the other guy. After just 10 days of phone calls she got bored, called him they met, talks a while ( I even called her during this meeting, did not break the spell). They kissed a lot, then had sex in a public place. My wife has never done a thing wrong, but felt so low, and got this from the guy (he just wants sex, PERIOD). Now I an having to move out of my own home as I can not longer even try to live with her (see my post) and we are destine for a DIVORCE! See once you give yourself in much of any way to another man, your husband will be crushed, he will never see you are pure and most of all you will feel like !@#$%^&*. PLEASE, stop the talking, and DO NOT MEET. Think about telling your husband and that will shock him into working on things, but if you keep it up, it will ruin your marriage, as it has mine. One more thing, love is putting the needs of others IN-Front of you own. What you are getting out of this is You putting your needs in front of your H. You already know it's wrong, thats why you posted, and that tells me you are a good person. BUT my wife is a good person too, and look what happened to us. Please think and I will pray that you make the right moves and end it now. All the best, Allovercarolina.

Thanks for the responses. I think you're all right. I made up my mind this morning after all that I went through last night that I wasn't going to take his calls anymore and I wasn't going to call him. I felt really that I was doing the wrong thing. While I was out he called me telling me he had something happen and he and his wife got into it. He apologized and told me he didn't realize how much it hurt my feelings. I told him this is wrong and that we shouldn't meet anymore on the phone or in public then I tried to hang up. He told me that I'm so good for him. And begged me not to stop talking to him. He told me about how beautiful I am. My husband never tell me that anymore. Even aside from this he doesn't tell me the deeper things that my friend tells me and he's extremely intelligent. I think its wrong, but he makes me feel so good about myself. I feel so happy when we talk. But now I feel rotten because I didn't stick to letting him go.

It will be hard to let it go, I think that you are thinking right about it and that will help. I had my cheating wife read your post after I repleyed, she said you were saying the same things she felt BEFORE it got in too deep. It made her cry when she read your posting, I wish she would have done what you have done.

**From a hubby point of view, your husband is likley not thinking that you are not pretty, he has done what we all do, get in a rut. He thinks you are so faithful and solid with him, he has forgotten to say the things that make you and him a couple. Please let him know how you are feeling, if he clearly understands you, he will start that romance right back up. You will have to tell him that you feel unloved/no so pretty ect..... to make the point, but you can get him back on track.

*Warning* Your friend with all the right words is a player, I know, thats what I did to get married women to sleep with me, tell them what they wanted to hear. PLAYERS know that the safest cheat is with a married women, because she will have to keep it quite. You tell your friend that you are still madly in love with your hubby and would never carry on behind him, that guy will give up. As long as you take the nice words and fake emotions, he will dish them out, he is a player. Allovercarolina

This is why you need to tell your husband, so you don't keep getting sucked back in. And when you tell your husband, you tell him how you feel and how you would like him to talk to you and compliment you. You see, you and your husband got complacent in your marriage, and now take each other for granted. Your husband probably doesn't know how you feel, or doesn't make you feel good about yourself because you stopped making him feel good about himself. The OM is a PREDATOR that is feeding off this. He knows what to tell you to pull you in further because he wants SEX. Then you'll feel even worse because OM will stop acting like he cares about you because he's gotten what he wants, you'll feel guilty about cheating on your husband, and he may leave you.

It's like eating because you feel bad. Sure that cheesecake or ice cream tastes good and might make you feel better right now, but when you gain 20 lbs, you'll just feel even worse about yourself. TELL YOUR HUSBAND!!! This will be a wake-up call to the both of you that you need to work on your marriage more. That is the way to make you happier, not laying down in the gutter and having an affair. And because you know it is a problem, it is ALREADY and emotional affair. Do not let it go any further! Tell your husband that this guy is playing you. He's no different than the guy at the bar who is hitting on you and trying to get you to go home with him, he is just more subtle and refined. He's probably done this before, and he'll do it again.

t will be hard to let it go, I think that you are thinking right about it and that will help. I had my cheating wife read your post after I repleyed, she said you were saying the same things she felt BEFORE it got in too deep. It made her cry when she read your posting, I wish she would have done what you have done.

**From a hubby point of view, your husband is likley not thinking that you are not pretty, he has done what we all do, get in a rut. He thinks you are so faithful and solid with him, he has forgotten to say the things that make you and him a couple. Please let him know how you are feeling, if he clearly understands you, he will start that romance right back up. You will have to tell him that you feel unloved/no so pretty ect..... to make the point, but you can get him back on track.

*Warning* Your friend with all the right words is a player, I know, thats what I did to get married women to sleep with me, tell them what they wanted to hear. PLAYERS know that the safest cheat is with a married women, because she will have to keep it quite. You tell your friend that you are still madly in love with your hubby and would never carry on behind him, that guy will give up. As long as you take the nice words and fake emotions, he will dish them out, he is a player. Allovercarolina

swept,

My husband had an affair behind my back.

He was all filled up with what the OW said to him.

And the things he was saying to her, well, they weren't true either.

He told her we didn't have sex often enough - well, we were having sex during the same timeframe they were......

He told her we didn't do enough things together - well, we had regular "date nights" out together, and I could show receipt after receipt of evenings out at dinner, movies, drinks......calendars of social times at friends' houses.....

He told her we didn't talk much - well,

IF we had talked JUST ONE TIME about how he was feeling

HOW HE WAS REALLY FEELING

He never would have had the affair.

Because I could have had a chance to fix things with him.


Instead, he chose to LIE to me.

And LIE to her.

And LIE to himself.

He chose - just like you are - to indulge in a fantasy, reap up the benefits of all of those compliments from the OW, and make himself FEEL REALLY GOOD. For right at that moment.


But I will guarantee you this:

The moments you feel REALLY good right now? When that OM is spreading on the honey? Well, if you enjoy those moments, you better enjoy them a lot, girlfriend.

Because the very SECOND your husband finds out about them, the devastation wave that hits your REAL LIFE and your REAL LOVE will wipe out every moment of what your FANTASY life enjoyment had to offer. And then some.

You need to think twice, three times, and more than that.

You have a chance to stop this thing in its tracks, right now.


Before the wave hits.

ONE CONVERSATION with your husband - a REAL man, can stop years of agony, devastation, pain, and distrust.

You have absolutely no idea of the heartache before you if you continue with this affair. It only ends with you leaving the other man's bed in shame, wondering how you can live with yourself.

The answer is, it takes YEARS to clean up that mess.

YEARS.

And that is IF you work hard at it.

My God. Read a little more here, woman. Don't make the mistake of your lifetime.

Is a man who would CHEAT on HIS OWN WIFE worth it to you? Give that some thought.

Now stay off the phone.
Stay off that drug of self-indulgence. Because that is what this affair is.

Go to the Emotional Needs Questionnaires, sit down with your husband, and TALK to YOUR HUSBAND about what you are needing.

And don't answer the other man's calls ever again. Not even to tell him you aren't going to answer his calls.

Schoolbus

Also,

Read

"Not Just Friends"

By Shirley Glass"


Because that OM is NOT your friend.

He is his OWN friend, nothing more. Make no mistake about that.

SB

I've been reading posts here on and off all day...and i think I've found the right place...I too have been having an EA, he ended it last night. His wife found out. It began about 6 months ago, we tried to end it a few months ago but we couldn't.I've cried all day, couldn't sleep last night and my DH has no idea whats wrong with me. I can't tell him...i want to contact my OM so bad, this hurts so much. I didn't realize how attached i had become, i think about him constantly. I can't stand the idea of having no more contact with him. I never thought i would allow myself to become involved in something like this. I've been happily married for 13 years, have four boys, teach school and am very active in church. But DH works a swing shift and istn't home alot, leaving me to raise the boys. The attention my OM gave me was wonderful, made me feel so special..knowing that he was thinking of me during the day..needing me...i don't know how i will get over this. Please help me find the strength to overcome this.

Start your own thread and we will help you. The first thing you need to do is tell your husband how you are feeling. Most times your spouse will change if you aren't happy, but they don't know if you don't tell them. He likely thinks that working the swing shift to provide you and the kids with more money is what you want.

I have been reading posts on here for days. I am speaking from the other side as a betrayed spouse (BS). I have just found out that my H has been having an A and I imagine that it started in exactly the same way that your relationship with this man did.

Please cut off all ties with him now or this will just get worse and worse. There will be no winners, just lots of pain.

My H is a lovely man but a real charmer. He has been working away a lot recently and this is when the A started. I imagine he was lonely, started a conversation and things just escalated from there.

I wish in some ways I had never found out and that he had just ended it. I believe he loves me but was just being a cake eater.

This A has devastated me. We both want our marriage to work but it is going to take me so long to get over this.

Concentrate on your marriage. It will be hard to get over the OM. I think that EA's can be harder to get over than PA's especially for women.

Anyway, good luck and please do the right thing. If you think you are in turmoil now it will be nothing to how you will feel down the line if you continue this relationship.

kimleigh2

I appreciate the advice that everyone has shared. I decided not to talk to this man again. As of yesterday I didn't talk to him all day. It has been hard. Sometimes I feel sick or anxious for not being able to talk to him but I am toughing it out. Even now I'm up late because I can't sleep. It is very hard for me because I want to talk to him and also he has been leaving me messages. Its just hard right now. I've thought about talking to my husband about it but think he wouldn't understand and would be more angry than anything. I'm just trying to deal with how I'm feeling right now.

Of course your H would be angry, but not at your sharing the truth. You CAN'T do this alone. Give your H the opportunity to make his choice. You don't want this secret hanging over (strangling) your marriage for the rest of your lives.

Translation: I don't want my husband to know that I've been having an emotional affair and deal with the consequences of my actions, so I'll come up with some BS justification that sounds good to me to not tell him. That way, if I can't go without talking to OM, I can still do it without him finding out.

I'm sorry, but you are not strong enough right now to go it alone. You need your husband to know so he can hold you accountable. Tell him now. Otherwise, you risk screwing things up further, and he'll be MUCH MORE ANGRY when he finds out later. You had an emotional affair on your husband. He's going to be angry and hurt. DEAL WITH IT. You cannot shelter your husband from your poor decisions. Let him know how you feel and I bet you'll be surprised by his reaction. He may get angry at first, but I bet after a day or two, he'll start trying to be there for you. You need help to get through withdrawal, otherwise you risk relapsing.