2yrs past d-day..........my reflections! - Marriage Builders® Forums

Well today marks 2yrs.Wow has it been that long? At times it feels a life time ago,at times just yesterday.

My life has changed so much in the last 2yrs its hard to believe this is really MY life!

What have I learned?...........Ive learned that love does not always last for a life time.Ive learned that those you love the most can hurt you the most.Ive learned that trust is earned not just a given.Ive learned that happiness has many different meanings.Ive learned that my heart could break.

Ive given my all to make my M work but it has not gotten me far.My H admitted to me not long ago that he felt eventually this whole thing would just "blow over".
Funny it hasnt.

Without two people putting their all into the recovery there is no recovery.You may still live together,you may still be married but I believe you truly are not recovered.

We are not recovered..........will we ever be?? This I dont know.I do know that I can not look to my M or my H for MY happiness,I must look to me.

I have been touched by so many here on MB,many have come into my life for a short while and then left,I often think of them and wonder how are they doing.
Danish,Billibob,Mammasad,pennyme,stillsosad,
england to name just a few.Where are they today?How are they?

And then there are those who have changed my life for the better.......Momof1,SwH,Hurtinheart,Maxlo3,Ali,
Kathurt,SS,SAB,Eloquent,and starfish.I'm sure I forgot many.

I want to thank MB and all those here that have truly been my life support during this time.My emotions are running high today I'm not even sure what I wanted to say....LOL

Today 2yrs later things dont look so good for me.Tomorrow who knows!

May God Bless everyone here that has said one encouraging word to someone with a broken heart and helped them thru their day.

Take care everyone
Love,Gingersnap <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on your 2 year anniversary....I am new here as of a few weeks ago and I don't know if I will ever make it through this....but I hope I can become as strong of a person as you....

Hi G,
I wish you sounded that good all the time.

I also wish your H would look inside like you did before you did that post.
How did you meet your H, and how long did it take before you wanted to marry him?

Have you got plans for Christmas?

Hawaii?
Bahamas?
Fiji?

Let us in on it, whatever it is.

SS

[ December 08, 2004, 11:20 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]

gingersnap, I am approaching 3 years past my 2nd d-day and I have learned what you have. That if only one person is doing the recovery work this is no recovery. It doens't matter how hard you try you cannot do this alone. Very sad for those that want to heal so bad. Don't ever think that it is your attitude that is hurting recovery; it is the attitude your H has that "this will blow over". It simply never blows over without a team effort. Hopefully he wakes up and realizes things cannot move forward without his help. Good luck to you.

WOE

GINGERSNAP-WALKINGONEGGS---
But what kind of a marriage you have now?? If so long after DD you are still not recovered, how do you interact from day to day??

Are things better than shortly after discovery?
Do you talk about the affair still with each other? Is there still a lot of hurt because of the affair?

My husband and I are six months after DD, and I cannot wait for things to get "normal" again. Will they ever be?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

MYRTA

Blessings during the holiday season ginger! You are so sweet chere.

One thing that I believe is vitally important in these long term lack of recovery situations is that there are two dynamics at work. One you mention....lack of commitment by the WS. At some point, the WS must become involved in the recovery or there is no recovery. But this is often something they will not do willingly as long as there is another alternative....string you along.

The other dynamic which I also see (walkingoneggs...I'm not really familiar with your story...so don't know if this applies), is the lack of accountability that the WS enjoys when there are no radical consequences to his actions. By that, I mean that continuing to interact/live/communicate with someone who is showing no effort to change....reinforces that they don't have to change to keep you in their life.

They settle into a destructive pattern where they just assume "you'll get over it", they don't have to change, and they can just interact with you when it's convenient for them. There's nothing in that equation that creates self exploration, accountability, honesty or change. When the BS gets upset, they can ignore it, let it blow over or leave until it does. It promotes selfishness and even more independent behavior in the WS. It also keeps the BS in a state of limbo where they are vulnerable to being hurt periodically and never healing or being able to trust their spouse again.

Ginger I was so excited about you moving out....because I was hoping that you'd feel strong and independent enough to actually go to Plan B and no contact. I remember one of the early posts after you moved about doing his laundry....and I just wanted to scream!! You're still waiting...waiting for him to realize or care about how he's hurt you....waiting for him to change....waiting for him to be honest....waiting for him to give you what little time he allots for you....waiting to be hurt and disappointed once again.

It is one of those situations where you feel weak, and beaten down....when the truth is actually that you are stronger than most people. Just because you CAN endure more pain it works against you...because you are so loving and devoted that while most people may have lost the love the felt and been willing to act to protect themselves...you have not. You have endured...not because you're weak...but because you exceptionally strong...but you don't believe that.

The thing is....just because you CAN endure it....doesn't mean you should. Putting a stop to that isn't about punishing the WS...it's about doing what's necessary to allow the WS to take responsibility for their own actions because that's the only way they're going to change. While trying to control the outcome...we often lose the ability to get the outcome we hope for because in essence...we're still trying to do the work and clean up the mess that the WS created for them rather than expecting them to do their own introspection and change.

Give yourself a present for Christmas ginger and get off the merry go round and out of the chaos and pain your H creates in your life by his apathy. Find out who you are without this pain in your life....and allow your husband to choose his destiny without the ability to hide from himself. It is a strange dynamic, but sometimes it's only the willingness to give something up, that allows us to get it back on terms that make it worth having it at all.

(((((((((((((((((ginger)))))))))))))))

The other dynamic which I also see (walkingoneggs...I'm not really familiar with your story...so don't know if this applies), is the lack of accountability that the WS enjoys when there are no radical consequences to his actions. By that, I mean that continuing to interact/live/communicate with someone who is showing no effort to change....reinforces that they don't have to change to keep you in their life.

Here, here...Star*. I think you've nailed it! I believe you are talking about boundaries. Ginger you need to set and an enforce boundaries! He walks all over you for no other reason than because he can. You stand there and take it like Pavlov's dog (not that I'm saying you're a dog) who has reached the point of hopelessness because he can't get away from the electric shocks. Instead of trying to get away he gives up and lies down on the grid all the while the shocks continue. I think what Star is saying, like the doctor who willing to throw the dog over the wall to get it away from the situation and therefore learn something different, there is something more to life than this. You're over the wall but you haven't learned that there are no more shocks. There is nothing more your H can do to you to hurt you except through your perception.

Yes, it did happen, it did hurt, he has shocked you repeatedly. BUT YOU ARE AWAY FROM IT NOW!
You did the hard part by removing yourself from the situation. Now you need to let it go. I've learned here that the best revenge is living well.

Please listen to Star, she know of what she speaks!

I highly recommended Townsend & Cloud's Boundaries to be the next on your reading list.

[ December 09, 2004, 08:28 AM: Message edited by: SAB ]

Hi Ginger,

I cannot give you the advice to make it better but you know I will be here for you as we walk the same path.

How about you and I go to the Cayman Islands for a vacation and leave the husbands wondering? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Anyone up for donations? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Ali~

It is amazing how we parallel each other lives.

{{{Ginger}}}}

Star*fish,

You are wonderful. You always seem to say the right things that make sooooo much sense! My Father inlaw told me to get over it! Just like that. And what you described up there is exactly what our husbands are doing. SHould I show this tto both Randy and him? Where did you get such great insite?

Ginger, maybe you should print Star's post and show it your your H.? Ahhh, if he is just like Randy he will not flinch. Never mind!

Ali~

Thanks all,you all came thru just when I needed it.

I was watching an Oprah yesterday and it was for women(single ones really) but I listened to what was said and saw how it applied to me.The subject was women dating and waiting around for men that did not call or put them off.I thought of me,my situation.The bottom line was if he aint calling he's just "NOT THAT INTO YOU".

The guy on the show said when a man is in love NOTHING stops him from being with that woman,NOTHING.
He said he was so busy until he met his wife,then it did not matter what was going on in his life SHE was what mattered,and being with her.

I looked at my life,I realized altho the A was a fantisy he was "IN TO HER" nothing mattered at that time but her.That is all I have ever wanted and HE cant give it to me.I have waited and waited but yesterday something clicked that my H may love me but he is NOT in love with me enough to be "INTO ME" I am not the most important thing.

I asked him for a divorce,he once agian said NO.
I told him how I have always been infront of him but he really has never seen me.Its time for him to let me go.

In the show they told the women "Stop waisting the pretty" because if you are just waiting around for this guy to come around you may miss the one thats looking for you.

I am not saying I need a man in my life to make me complete,I know I can be happy alone but what I am starting to see is that I may be missing out on a whole lot of fun and happiness by "waisting the pretty" on someone that cant even see me.

Please dont read this wrong,I am not talking looks............its about ME who I really am the person on the inside,its taken me along time to see this and not feel like I am puffing myself up by saying it but,I am.........a happy,vibrant,loving,giving person who has something wonderful to offer.(wow that was hard to say <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Starfish,you are so wise and always say just what I need to hear.Thanks.

SS.....Not sure what the plans for Christmas are but the trip w/Ali doesnt sound bad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ali......how about you and me stop letting ourselves get beat up by this?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

SAB..I love your strength thanks for sending my way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Myrta.....I dont have a marriage really,my H and I are seperated but he is in such deniel of everything he acts like and tells people that we are still living together and he comutes 150miles to work <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I asked him for a divorce,he once agian said NO.

If you say, "I'm filing for divorce", there will be nothing he can say NO to. If you don't want an answer, don't ask a question.

Its time for him to let me go.

He already has. He just won't admit it. Maybe making it official will force him to face his denial.

I am.........a happy,vibrant,loving,giving person who has something wonderful to offer.(wow that was hard to say )

Why was that so hard to say? It's true.

What do your kids say about this? Your wise daughter?

Ali,

Hi sweetie! I wish that I could claim incredible insight and intelligence LOL...but these thoughts are not some magical musings of mine...there are the real life patterns that I see repeated over and over again on this board as well as with the people I coach and mentor. Lots of things can become entrenched....including these stalled recovery patterns.

ginger,

"Wasting the pretty" huh? cute. The dynamics are slightly different for married and single ladies...but much of that certainly applies to you. The most important part....is that whether you want to find someone better, OR if you want to recover your marriage....the action is primarily the same. You must attain "wholeness", healing and autonomy to be in a position to enforce boundaries that ensure your safety and happiness.

I personally would love to see you look into online resources/forums for codependency...and unless you deal with that...you'll look for someone frightenly similar if you ever start using "the pretty".

Myrta, we have a fairly good day to day relationship. Probably better than most. But we never talk about the A. W's approach is simply more time is needed. But what I've learned is that time alone does nothing. It needs to be combined with a mutual effort to heal. That's what we don't have. AND we suffer from continued contact. Another No No. Anyway we are probably getting better oh so gradually. But a better approach would have saved us several years in my opinion. I know you are talking about it and that is a huge step in the right direction.

Star......I understand that the show was for single women NOT married but I thought I would listen and learn.
In a way I feel that the last 2yrs have been spent "waiting around" for my H to decide if he wanted to get on the recovery wagon or not.I guess the answer is NOT.
He in is own mind thinks that we are recovering I guess it is all perspective.

I guess really what I want to say to "waisting the pretty" does not even have to do with a man but life.How much more time am I willing to waist??

Yesterday I felt good,I was happy and it felt wonderful,,,,,,,,,,what was different?? I woke up and made the choice NOT to be unhappy,not to worry if H would call or not and NOT expecting anything from him that way I could NOT be disapointed.I will do the same today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

SAB..what do my kids say?? My kids have very little contact w/him,and he makes NO effort for this to change.They have NO respect for him.The saddest part of this is my DIL who grew up with a drug addict father. When my H came into her life she thought he was the most wonderful man,she had the highest level of admiration and respect for him........she looked up to him even said he was the greatest man she had ever met in her life.She does not feel like that anymore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

As for my "Smart D" she wonders why I am still married,she tells me to get rid of him,let him go.Go live,love and be happy,she says "Mom you are so beautiful and dont even know it ANY man would be honored to be w/you and would treat you with the respect and love you deserve." but then again she is my daughter.LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Walkingoneggs.......So I must ask do you feel you have a marriage?? Or do you just go thru the motions?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
As for me I am tired of going thru the motions I want a real marriage,real love,real happiness.I think we all deserve that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Starfish...I forgot,if you have time could you email me or post some website names that I might visit?

Seems I am not good at finding things on the internet,it was by total chance that I found this one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The saddest part of this is my DIL who grew up with a drug addict father. When my H came into her life she thought he was the most wonderful man,she had the highest level of admiration and respect for him.

Your H actually acts and sounds a LOT like how my ILs treat my H and our kids. I felt the same way about them as your DIL did. I can relate to this more than I care to. As my kids, they literally don't know what they're missing. The younger two have no memories of them at all. Neither are my ILs making any effort to change this. I'm at the stage where I'm finished with them. As we both recovery takes two sides...we've never recovered.

hi Ginger I seen your note on mom w rugrats to me this is the second time ive been here in a year its been a little over a year and a half since d day god it seems like last week ive been thru so much almost killed myself went to om to tell him what a piece of s--- i thought he was and he picked up a shovel to use i told him to go ahead finish me off what a jerk my wife thinks it will blow over too but I dont think so too many lies since d day I think this will probably be the last christmas we spend together as a family unless something changes drasticly I was on anti dep. they worked for a short time then i got to many bad side affects and had to get off them thats when I caught her in another lie she left the house and spent the nite in her truck said she was thinking suicide I found out different I havent been able to spend 1 nite away from her but she could me thats when i almost did kill myself ijust wanted the world to stop spinning cause i wanted off tired off this ride i told someone recently that i hate people they said your people i said i hate myself too if the will to live can kill than I shouldnt have to long to wait i just dont understand and probably never will hope your holidays are good to you

Billibob
You sound so down so depressed.Dont let her do this to you.You are a good man,a good person do not let her or OM destroy you its not worth it.

I have gotten so depressed at times and other times I am so happy I wonder what is wrong.

My H and I are seperated I doubt we will ever get back together.He is fighting on getting a divorce I guess he thinks I am just kidding around but the longer I am away from him the healthier and stronger I am feeling.

I am beginning to live again,laugh again feel like me again and guess what?? It feels so good.I may never find love again or it may be right around the corner I dont know but I do know that OW is not worth me loosing my life.I am worth more,and so are you.

Stay strong hang in there.Try posting again it will help you just to know that people care,they really do and I am one of them.

Take care hope to see you around the forum a little more.

gee I would love to go to the caymen islands anytime.
It seems to me that the A and the recovery are just like children. When you get your child into their first school you feel you have arrived. Little do you know that this is just the start of the learning process. There are hundreds of pit falls to overcome some we manage better than others.
I hope to look at recovery and post recovery as a new marriage but hey I cant even get out of the A yet.

Yes lets all go to the caymens.

I'm in! Lets go! Grand Cayman here we come! We can be the BS club! Ha ha! Some people might interpret it wrong but hey, what do they know? I know I could use the time for me to remember who I am and reestablish a relationship with myself. I have gotten lost in the last two years and I need to find myself again. Now if only I had the $$$$$$$ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ali~

Ginger my bags are packed and have been in my car for 2 weeks my wife doesnt seem to care she says she has tried but all I see is a woman that acts like nothing has happened I know the only reason Im here still is we planed to go to chicago to my oldest sons house for christmas and i guess im looking foward to one last christmas together as a family I was the kid that always got picked last on the playground the one that got bullied I dont like fighting im beginning to believe love is an elusion and happily ever afters only in fairytales well have to go get things packed for the trip leaving soon you have a merry christmas and new year billibob

So Ali,
Do you write comedy for a living, or just here for our enjoyment?

BS club.........rolls off the tounge so somoothly.

Ginger, have a good Christmas. I hope you get the day off?

I have to work - W says I am cooking that day.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

SS

[ December 23, 2004, 04:18 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]

Billibob,
I am so sorry I can see your pain in your post.It really sucks when you give all your love to someone but you dont get it back.
I am becoming stronger each day,and realizing that there is more life out there than what I knew.
I am ready to move forward,to go on and see what life brings my way.................and NOW my H wants to try!!!!!!! Go figure,sad thing is I think it is to late.
So your bags are packed maybe you should leave,there is someone out there that will treat you with the love and respect that YOU deserve.Sometimes they dont know what they had until its gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SS..........NOPE I did not have to work on the 24th or 25th it was GREAT!!!!!!!!!
I did not even have to cook.My DIL did it all and she did a wonderful job!!!!!

The best thing that happened to me this season was I reunited with an old friend.I cant wait to get together with her and talk and get our friendship back on track.She was so excited to see me and surprised I might add......LOL

I cant believe how great I feel.I feel happy,strong and ready to move on in life.
I can see now that "I" will not be the looser on this deal,,,,,,,,,,,but H is.

So with that said I am off to start my day.

No Still Seeking. I meant to give a little humor. Kust to enlighten. Because most of us are on the same boat. I just picture a whole bunch of BS's gathered around a table in the carribean somewhere drinking a pina colada and supporting each other and calling ourselves the BS club. Now, if you were a stranger, what would be the first thing to your mind if you heard the term BS club? Not betrayed spouse. That is why I said the wrong idea. I was not mocking anyone. Sorry if you took offense to that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Ali~

Heck no, but I laughed a lot.

I thought it was good, much better than my really dry jokes.

SS

Well Ali if you ask me there would be a whole lot of BS'sing' going on by the BS club <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Good! I was really afraid that I offended you and some others! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I really didn't mean it to be harmeful.

By the way, does anyone know if Dr. Harley lectures in the Chicago area? As nice as it would be to be in Florida right now, I am unable to go upcoming seminar. I know I could get a lot of new insite for me to help myself too.

Ali~

Hey Ginger,

You must have been posting when I was posting.

How funny! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ali~

I always say........great minds think alike,or at the same time!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ginger,

I'm glad you beginning to feel better. It's good to see and warms my heart. If your H wants to try, let him. He's got a lot of work ahead of him. Meanwhile, take of yourself and enjoy!

I'm glad you enjoyed the holidays. You need a break.

Ginger,

As a WS, I believe that other WS will not get into recovery without understanding the consequences of not going into recovery. If you suffer no consequences why change. After two years, what the hay! M is about growth for two individuals not one. If one is not growing then the other may have problems growing also. Your WS is either committed to this M or not. Are you sure of his fidelity? 2 years is time to withdraw and at least start a recovery. If he does nothing then that is his decision. Time for you to develop a new Plan B and to grow as an individual.

Thanks Bill for your thoughts.

My H thinks that if we dont talk about it,its like it never happened and that eventually the whole thing will blow over.
NOT!!!!!!!! Thats just NOT going to happen for me.

So after Christmas I sent him an email telling him of all my feelings and asking him for a divorce.
I have come to realize that I am not capable of forgiving him as long as I am with him.When we are apart I am much happier(now)it has taken me a long time to get to this point.
He said he will not file but I can and he will sign the papers.However since this conversation he calls me a little more and even sent me 1 email but he acts as tho we NEVER had the divorce conversation at all.I dont get him.

I have reflected back on my life with him and can see how easy it was for him to have his affair because in the past he never paid any consiquences from me for doing wrong,I just went on with life pushing the hurt and pain somewhere back in my mind.I realize how much he has controled my every move I have said this before but even me moving out was under his direction.

I realize also why he gets so angry when I will not allow him to treat me certain ways,its because he is not use to this from me.

Maybe for the first time ever in my adult life will I make a decision for ME and no one else.I always try to please everyone but me.I have people telling me NOT to get a divorce because of the length of time we have been together,but is it fair to me to spend the rest of my life unhappy? I am at a place finally where I feel I can be happy without him or anyone esle for that matter.
I do not need a man to complete me.

I will always have love for my H and care about him after all we shared an entire lifetime together,we have 4 kids and 8 grandkids but I am no longer "in love" with him.I cant spend the rest of my life pretending that things are great and that I am happy.
He did all of this NOT me.If I was worth it he would have been willing to work on our M,our life,our family.He did nothing!!

Ginger,

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> If I was worth it he would have been willing to work on our M,our life,our family.He did nothing!!
<hr /></blockquote>You are worth it and you know it! You husband is lazy, lazy, lazy. He doesn't think you are going to follow through, does he? You said he hasn't mentioned the divorce since you brought it up. It is like he thinks you were just spouting off and you don't really mean it.

He might even have the thought in his mind that he is such a great catch that anyone would want him. You have bent over backwards for him, done everything for him, let him know that you love him and will do almost anything for him. When you aren't available to him then his Mom steps up and fills your shoes.

In a few years, when you are truly happy and maybe even have a new man that loves and respects you, then he will know what he lost. It is then that he will understand the scope of his actions. He will feel your pain and it will be too late for him. He will then realize what a stupid, stupid man he has been. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Think about it. What would you advise your daughters to do in your situation. When they have done everything possible to save their marriage and still their husband didn't get it? Yeah, part of you will always love him but you are a very loving person, you will find love again with someone else. I can't imagine that someone won't see what a wonderful woman you are and you will be their dream come true. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Have you plan B'd your husband? How long have you gone with no contact at all? Maybe if you went completely dark for a while it might shake him up. Let him know that he is not welcome to come and spend the weekend with you and that he can communicate with you through your kids only. That you are completely unavailable to him. Just a thought.

You know that you are always in my prayers.

Cathy

Hi Cathy
So good to hear from you.

I have not done a total plan be but I no longer call my H at all,any contact between us is only when he makes a call to me.That is not very often maybe once a day and the conversation is usually very short(at least on my part I am direct and answer questions but do not start any sort of conversation with him)I think he is already seeing that I am going on without him.

At Christmas time my son went to his aunts house(H's sister)and even she said I needed to just leave him and go on,that he has never shown me respect and the reason he acts the way he does is because I have always just accepted his behavior and gone on,she was right as hard as that is to admit to.My MIL was upset at her said I should not leave him but then again she also can not tell anyone the truth of why we are seperated.
My son had always said that if we did divorce he never wanted me to date,he could not handle that but he said after talking with his aunt he had changed his mind and all he wanted was to see me happy.He told me on New Years eve how nice it was to see me smile again,how it was so good to see the depression gone.

You are right my H will not realize what he had until I am gone.I am not saying that I am the greatest "catch" but I believe to the right person I would be.

Take care,and how are things going for you??

I don't have a lot of advice - but it sounds like you don't need much advice right now anyway.

I still think you should eat your veggies, get lots of sleep, and exercise, and don't fall off any ladders over 15 ft tall. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Did you have a fun December?

What do you have planned for January?

I also want to hear about vacation plans for this summer, I think you need AT LEAST 4 days away, and I would like to see a full week.

I hope you grin when you read this, but I hope you will consider doing it too - I want to hear about your plans.

SS

HI SS
Good to hear from you.
Yes I smiled while reading <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

December did not start out good for me but it ended great.Christmas was wonderful,New Years was great and even the busy shopping days at work did not get me down.

Plans for January?? None right now except to get info on how to file for a divorce thats about it.

As for vacation plans,I am planning a trip sometime after March to go visit my great friend Momof1 again.In July I am planning a trip with my kids to NM where I plan on meeting 2 more friends from the forum so if all goes as planned I should have a great first half of the year.

Thanks for caring.

Hey, I thought we were going on to the islands? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hey, I thought we were going on to the islands? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Getting up to the post waaaayyy up there. Sorry, I got left behind here. I tell this to Randy if you ignore cancer will it go away on its own? No it will get worse and you'll die! Same thing with a marriage.

Go Ginger, go Ginger go Ginger! I am glad to see you in a good mood! Remember the ELO song? Don't bring me down? Don't let him any more! Ugggg, I feel old. My b-day is next month!

SS, did you fall off the ladder putting up the plastic Santa on your roof? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Yes, eat your veggies, the might lore off bad people!

later <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Ali-ferocious <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

How did this post twice with out me sending it?

Hi Ginger,

It's good to see the strength return in you. Although I'm sure this is not the way you wanted things to work out, you seem to be handling it well.

Let us know what your plans are. Inquiring minds want to know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

SS:

...and don't fall off any ladders over 15 ft tall.

Is there something you want to share with the class? Do tell. Something tells me it'll be good for a chuckle.

NO, NO, NO,
I did not fall off a ladder, but....

I was in charge of a New Years youth dance. We put up a net across a large hall and filled it with baloons and noise makers, and hats so we could dump it into the crowd at midnight. As I was up on the ladder putting up the net, I looked down and thought about being up high - I don't really like heights all that much.

No accidents, but that's where I got that one from.

As far as the islands, we could probably row to Hawaii, and stay with Orchid for a few weeks, if we could find a nice row boat. About 100 ft maybe, with twin diesels, and sails too, just for fun. Maybe it could come with a chef, and full crew. I would even help watch for icebergs for a few minutes a day.

Maybe we could just all go to Ali's house, and she could play island music?

Ginger, it is good to see you making plans. You know we can't really shake your H and get him to react the way that will help, but I hope we can encourage you, and help you in some small way.

Ali, are you and Randy making progress? What is next for you to work on?

SAB, sorry I didn't have a better story, these days I tend to be more careful. I don't seem much older from year to year, but I noticed that if I get bucked off a horse, it takes me longer to get up than it used to take when I was seventeen.

And no, it hasn't happened this year, it was a few years ago. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ginger, what route are you taking to NM? I may live along the way - or close enough to meet up with you and one other MB'r who is a few hours from me.

Wishing everyone a reasonably nice day - which is better than a rotten one any time, and easier to find than a perfect one.

SS

[ January 05, 2005, 02:59 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]

Not sure what route we will be taking to NM.My SIL is going to be best man at his bestfriends wedding,so I am going along to help with the kids and it is a great opportunity to meet 2 wonderful women from the forum.

As for the island or hanging out with Ali I'm "IN"...LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

As for H............well he calls me this morning and tells me he is planning a trip for us this month..I say I dont think thats a good idea.He never asked if I wanted to go,if I could go,what my schedule was like NOTHING!!! He just acts like everything is fine.I reminded him of my feelings,how I had given him more than enough time to change and work on us but HE chose to do nothing and now "I" am ready to go on with my life.His only response was......."Without me?" and I said "YES".

I guess it is soon time for me to move from JFO to the divorce forum.I think I will need help on what steps to take.

Thank you all for all your support.

Come on over! We can melt the snow with the heat of our hula dancing and have a huge luau! I'll also supply the Mai Tai's! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Humm, maybe the row boat sounds like a better idea. Better wait to catch a wave though! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

SS, do you ride? My M to Randy? Humm, depends on what day you ask. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> We are back in limbo again. Or I should say he is pretending once again that the problems that we have don't exists. That part is emotionally draining. We talked about divorcing and how it would be handled etc. But a few days or maybe a week ago he came to me and told me that he could not separate the family. I will not go there right now. Because isn't that one of the reasons why I am here???? I don't know what I want to do or what my next step will be. I am trying so hard to forgive a part of this. I am tired of feeling this way. But my heart is so afraid of being ripped out again. Maybe I will be where Ginger is at one day. Or maybe Randy will want to recover and help our marriage. Though the last year and half, my love for Randy is a lot different from than it was.

GINGER! I am so proud of you! That is great. You show him. Ha, suddenly the grass looks greener on this side now huh? Gee's <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> We'll have to get to talking soon. I have some free time now that my oldest is at school. yay!

OKIE DOKIE

Ali~

Ginger,

How are you?

Any movement from your H or are you proceeding with the divorce?

How am I??
I am fine,I have been busy over the last few days so not much time to come to MB.
Thanks for caring.

As for H?? Oh boy is he making changes,well maybe not in the physical sense but he is beginning to feel the pain,the impact of what his actions,or should I say lack of actions have done.
He sent me a very emotional email,yes it broke my heart to read it but all of the sudden I said,this is how I have felt for yrs and it did not seem to matter to him and NOW he wants me to feel for him during his pain.
He begged me not to leave,that he could not live without me.Funny if that was true why was I not worth putting effort into yrs ago.

I guess he thought he did not have to because that was how it always was,I just accepted what ever came my way.

So far I have not looked back,I dont feel regrets for this decision.I feel happy and so free and at times wonder why.

I think the answer is that I finally let go of the pain and hurt of the past,and look at the future as being one filled with happiness and love.

[ January 12, 2005, 09:42 AM: Message edited by: SAB ]

I'm so happy for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !

It's good to see that your H is finally feeling the effects of you pushing him through the wall. Sometimes that's what it has to take.

Are you willing to see how far he will go? Or are you done?

If you've read my thread, mine has asked me to marry him again now that he's come around. I've told him it's not that simple. He has a lot of issues to work on for us to have a good M that have nothing to do with me. If he wants me, he's going to have to work on himself. I haven't told him yes or no. I'm letting him work his way back. I'm worth working for! I'm not even teling him about here nor HNHN. Let him work through his own journey on his own. Telling him would be like fixing it for him once again which I've vowed to myself not to do. I get the feeling that just because he feels OK means that everything is OK. It's not...and I've told him so. I'm nobody's fool.

What are your plans for yourself?

I'm done!!!!!

Plans for me are to live a very full,happy life.To fall in love with someone that will respect me and love me for who I am.

Thats my plan.

I couldn't ask for better for you. You sound so much stronger and happier than I've ever heard you. Wish you enough happiness to fill many lifetimes over. I'll miss you around here. Don't be a stranger. Also, if you ever come up to my neck of the woods, please let me know. I'd love to meet with you and hear about your adventures.

Take care my friend.

Do you have a time line?

I mean, are you going to file, and do you have a projected date?

SS

I am going to file,he refuses to.
He acts like this is all a big shock,that it just came from out of the blue.I dont think people get divorced in la la land where he lives..........LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I am going to make some phone calls tomorrow to find out what to do first.I need to do this now,get it behind me and start my new life.

I will keep you all posted on what is going on,I would never just leave this site without having someway of letting the people who have helped me most know what was going on.

SAB not sure where you live,if it is anywhere near Buffalo NY,I plan on going there in march or april.

Thanks for caring,I can say one thing.......everyone was right,all the advice given was true but you have to come to the place to be able to accept and do what needs to be done before you can see the light.I have been in a dark place for so long I saw no light,and now everything seems so bright and new.This is a much better place to be. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Honey

I know I do not post very often now but I have read through this and felt that I had to tell you how very proud I am of you!!

This time last year you were lost, sad and broken. Broken by a man who just did not get it but now look at you!!!! I knew you could get here, I had faith in you and I see before me a stronger and happier Ginger...........Go girl!!LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

About time that that stupid H of your's realise what he has let slip through his fingers, and oh how he will regret it for the rest of his life, because you are truely a remarkable woman.

Speak to you soon my dearest friend.

Love

Katx <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

SAB not sure where you live,if it is anywhere near Buffalo NY,I plan on going there in march or april.

I'm directly north of there on the other side of Lake Ontario, just west of the CN Tower (You can't miss it.) Maybe we can go to Jack Astor's after all as I mentioned in a previous post...Have you got your tidyup done <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ? I look forward to it.

all the advice given was true but you have to come to the place to be able to accept and do what needs to be done before you can see the light.

Kind of reminds of the last few minutes of the Wizard of Oz where Dorothy realizes that happiness is right in her own backyard. Glinda could have told her but she had to find it out for herself. There's no place like home! Ginger, you are home. Enjoy.

He acts like this is all a big shock,that it just came from out of the blue.I dont think people get divorced in la la land where he lives..........LOL

Mine too....My H is horrified to know that he could have done something that would have made the kids and I want to leave. He was angry and concerned to think that I am convinced ours is not a balanced partnership and that I feel he's manipulated and used me. He's "never for one minute ever taken [me] for granted". I don't want to go to their world. It's too weird for me to deal with.

SAB
When the trip gets planned I will be sure to let you know.There is also one more gal from here that I have kept in close contact with that lives north of Buffalo,so we can have a real MB get together,it will be a great day,and time for all.

Kat,thanks for having faith in me.I wish it would not have taken me so long to have faith in myself.

I know that I will have down days,but I never plan on looking back and regreting this decision.No matter what life brings my way I believe I will be ready to handle the challenge.

Dear gingersnap,

I am new here and recently posted on the recovery section; although not quite sure recovering. I came here and read your post. I am 2 years since I found out, and not doing very well. What you had to say made me think a little bit about my own situation (on a positive note). Good luck to you. If you have a chance, my note is posted under recovery "recovery stuck", tells my story. You have inspired me to stick with this site, as it may be helpful to me.

Thank you.

Miranda

I don't know if I should be happy, or sad.

I suppose I am a little of both. Happy that you don't feel stuck, sad that it had to go this way.

Still think about you - how you are doing. Still praying. I imagine this is not an easy thing.

SS

[ January 20, 2005, 03:10 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]

Ginger sorry to read things didn't work out. But have faith you did all you could do for the marriage now it is your turn to do all you can for yourself.

Good luck friend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

slight threadjack:

Stunned Dad - nice to see you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Have been reflecting on our recovery and think of you and how much your posts helped me way, way back over a year ago and beyond! Hope you and your W are well!

Ginger - never posted to you but I wish you the best! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hugs, Frags

Thank you all for your support.
Yes it is hard when a long term M ends,but is it worth living the rest of my life unhappy,or in a lie?? NO.
I must first be true to myself and when I am with my H it all feels so fake,so foney.I want a real love.

I am looking forward to just being alone for a while.

Ginger,

I am sorry that things have come to where they are for you. I know it is not what you wanted. But, I am glad that you feel safe and secure enough in yourself to make yourself happy.

You hung in there and did everything you could do and H was not aware of anyone but himself. It actually sounds like what he is doing that same thing now. He is just now figuring out that your moving away, getting another job and your own apartment meant that you left him. He must have just thought he was on vacation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I wish only the best for you and you need to be #1 with the man that you are with. He needs to love and respect you above all others. If he continually puts his needs first, his family's, his kids, his job etc...before you then you are both in a lose lose situation. Maybe he will realize that some day. In the meantime, he has lost himself a wonderful partner who only wanted to give him all of her love and only wanted him to love her (and show her) in return. I think he is a huge loser on this deal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I am doing well. You know the usual ups and downs. The hoping you are doing the right thing by staying in the marriage and hoping that everything that is being said and done is real, but in the back of your mind evaluating everything all of the time. It is exhausting! I would love to be back where I never questioned anything about our relationship, his feelings, his love, his motivations etc...I don't think that is 100% possible ever again. I am not saying that I will never trust him or that I don't love him, it is just that innocence in gone and I miss that.

I'll try to drop you a line when I get the chance.

BE HAPPY!!!

Cathy

Thanks Cathy,
Yep NOW he realizes what is going on.He is very sad and lonely.He has come up with every reason why I should not divorce him,yesterday it was for insurance purposes.I said it is really sad to stay married just to have insurance.

I will always love him,and may question if I did the right thing I may never find the love I long for but I will never know if I dont try.

I had someone tell me once that I should divorce my H(after his A)and if he truly wanted me and loved me like he claims than he would have to work to get me back.It sounded silly at the time,now it makes sense.Now if my H wanted things to work,to be together he would be forced to do all the things anyone else would do to have a relationship with someone.

I'm not sure where my life will end up,but at least now I feel I have options.

This best he can come up with is "let's not divorce because it will mess up our insurance"? You must have died laughing after hearing that! Why not tell you why he really doesn't want a divorce? After all of this time he still can't be straight with you.

I think that he really does love you and he feels safe with you. I don't think that he feels the need or the drive to "try" with you. It might be because you have been together since childhood and you basically grew up togehter. I really don't think he can even imagine you not being in his life. It just doesn't compute for him.

The bottom line is that you need to make yourself happy and you need to feel at peace with yourself. That is just not happening while you are hanging on waiting for that lightbulb to go off in your husband's head. Maybe it is starting now but he has dug himself such a deep hole that he might not even have the ability to fight his way out. That is what you really want isn't it? To see him fight for you and your marriage as much as you have?

Let him see you happily living your life. Let him see you move on with your life and I bet you will see him panic. He will never be truly happy and that is sad. But, that is no reason for you to stay down with him. You have given him most of your life. Now it is time to take your life back from someone that doesn't appreciate the gift of love that you gave him.

I think if you look at where you are today vs where you were 6-months ago and you will agree that you are happier and feel more in control of your life and your destiny. That is progress!

Cathy