I think I'm moving toward trust! - Marriage Builders® Forums

Last night my H didn't come home. I thought he went straight to a meeting, but then it got even later. My daughter was on the phone, so I knew it would have been hard to contact me.When it got even later, I started to get quite anxious.But the breakthough was I was anxious that he had gotten in an accident! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I was not concerned he was off romping around! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Sounds silly, but this is huge. The last 3 years, when I started to panic, I was concerned about what he was doing, even after I trusted him in saner moments.This time, I was just concerned for his safety! I wasn't sure if I'd ever get here. Just thought I'd share! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

By the way, he did try to call, and he was paged back into work.

Did you have concerns about romping before his EA or are these new feelings ?

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by FaithHopeLove:
Last night my H didn't come home. I thought he went straight to a meeting, but then it got even later. My daughter was on the phone, so I knew it would have been hard to contact me.When it got even later, I started to get quite anxious.But the breakthough was I was anxious that he had gotten in an accident! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I was not concerned he was off romping around! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Sounds silly, but this is huge. The last 3 years, when I started to panic, I was concerned about what he was doing, even after I trusted him in saner moments.This time, I was just concerned for his safety! I wasn't sure if I'd ever get here. Just thought I'd share! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <hr></blockquote>this illustrates the power of perception.how you chose independently to perceive his being late made all the difference in how you felt.it's revealing to see where we really are emotionally when we are left to our own devices.I get sort of the same barometer reading of myself sometimes thru dreams. Times when my consciousness is relaxed can show me sometimes where I really stand in relation to some things.I know how huge this is and I think it's great. I pray that the trend (s) that brought you this far will continue.
[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

I don't think I really choose to distrust him the last 3 years. In fact, except for weak moments, trusting his immediate actions, intentions and whereabouts has not been too much of a problem. I believed he regretted his actions, was no longer involved and would not repeat his mistake.The trouble was I could have what I would describe as a panic attack and all rational thought would fly out the window.This time I was afraid he was hurt or dead, but I wasn't afraid he was fooling around.Ironically I would worry about accidents if he was late before the affair, but I never gave one minute of thought that he was being unfaithful. It's nice to get back to plain old concern.

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Sounds like a truly great step! After all, w/o trust, it is hard for any positive feelings to get thru the protective wall...Hugs--Kathi

Scott, just saw your question. No one could have convinced me that my H could have romped. I openly celebrated "the fact" that my H was someone that could be absolutely unconditionally trusted. In fact, I put a great deal of thought to his truthworthiness and potential fidelity when I agreed to marry him. An old boyfriend adored me, but burned me. I walked in on them. I vowed to myself to only have a relationship with someone I thought I could trust. I ended a best friend caught on fire type relationship because I told him he loved women too much and I perceived he'd be high risk for an affair. I knew my H wasn't Romeo when I married him, but I thought that being a nice guy and a safe personality more than made up for it.I was wrong.

Kathi, I think you are right! Maybe this truly is significant!

I think it IS significant. But, I am keeping ya in my prayers [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . <blockquote>quote:<hr>I openly celebrated "the fact" that my H was someone that could be absolutely unconditionally trusted.<hr></blockquote>Openly celebrated? Like with champagne and party cake? Just kidding. Hey, I KNEW my H was absolutely trustworthy too. I now think that "unconditional trust" is right there next to "unconditional love"...a somewhat romantic notion, a pleasant fiction that actually does more harm than good. All that bugged me for a while...I missed those notions for a while. Luckily, I decided we are all just human, darn it all. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Kathi

My friend's H had an affair (they recovered). It was her second marriage. My friends daughter, H's step daughter, was angrily telling my friend that ALL men are swine and there were no good marriages. My friend said yes there were. The daughter said to name one. Friend named mine. Daughter agreed. That exchange took place during my H's affair, but before I knew.Of course unconditional trust in a mere human is misguided. I know that now. I agree with you. I don't believe my pain was any greater than any other BS. However, some wouldn't even call what my H had an affair, just like your situation. I do think I may have taken the whole thing harder than one might expect given the circumstances, and I think that may be because the idea of faithfulness and honesty was so important to me. And it has been hard to acknowledge that even my H is human.

Actually, FHL, I hate to break it to ya, but I'm not sure your H is human...maybe from a not-as-yet dicovered planet? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by kam6318:
Actually, FHL, I hate to break it to ya, but I'm not sure your H is human...maybe from a not-as-yet dicovered planet? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <hr></blockquote>Kathi - KAM be nice. Is that a way to talk to a friend ?

FHL, Just curious (if you don't mind me asking), How long did the PA/EA of your H last? Did you guys go into recovery immediately (after D day)?

Kathi... [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] (You could be on to something....)Scott...Kathi thinks you are from the neighboring planet. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] dsmith, My H's affair lasted about 4 weeks, or about 10 dates and lots of phone calls. He pretty much ended it before I discovered it. Phone contact continued for another few months, until I discovered it. To the best of my knowledge, he ended all contact after the 2nd discovery....so 3 months in all. She was a stranger, so she is not part of our life or his work, plus she lives in a different city.Yes, we went into recovery immediately, but until he broke all contact with her, he was really really weird.

Scott...Kathi thinks you are from the neighboring planet. AND YOU TOO BRUTUS

Boy, you leave here for a bit, and you come back to a mudslinging fest. Geez! Oh, wait, I started it [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] ...Just for the record, I do think Scott's origins are in the same solar system as the rest of us. Despite his attempts at emulating Spock, I've a feeling that he's really more human than he lets on...shhhhh..don't tell though.As for your H, FHL, I'm sure you know I was just kidding. BTW, my H and I were discussing differing communication styles last night, and I told him the "plumb line" story. He said he thought hanging jackets straight was pretty important, but he did allow that maybe plumb lines would be just little much [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] . (BTW, he never ventures into my half of the closet, I think all the unbuttoned shirts threatening to slide off their hangers at any moment, and the shoes tossed in versus placed neatly on their holders [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] must scare him!)OK, today is a new day, and I'll try and be nice to everyone. May need duct tape if I have to deal with one particular client tho...Kathi[ April 18, 2002: Message edited by: kam6318 ]

This is great news, FHL. I agree that it's very significant. This stuff takes a long time sometimes. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I see Faith’s new trust as more of a mature trust. Her original trust was more of a blind trust. As we feel more comfortable and secure with ourselves we won’t need that “My spouse could never ever betray me” trust. Harley warns us not to trust unconditionally.[ April 18, 2002: Message edited by: Promised Forever ]

Hi O2bsane! How is your life going?Kathi, we used to share a closet. I like having my own so much better! His closet is more jammed than mine, because he won't give away any of his clothes. The annoying thing in our old house was he would swish my clothes together, because the only way you can hang something up or take something out is to do a very broad sweeping motion so you have 2 feet of space. Of course he wouldn't unswish the clothes after he was done. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] But as you can imagine, all of his shirts are perfectly balanced. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by Promised Forever:
I see Faith’s new trust as more of a mature trust. Her original trust was more of a blind trust. As we feel more comfortable and secure with ourselves we won’t need that “My spouse could never ever betray me” trust. Harley warns us to trust unconditionally.<hr></blockquote>Aren't we insightful today! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by FaithHopeLove:
Hi O2bsane! How is your life going?<hr></blockquote>Thanks for asking!My life is going very well. For the last year or so I've been content to stay busy with my kids and put some effort into catching up with my neglected career. (It's difficult to find enough time to save a marriage AND get ahead at work.) Now that I feel like I have things mostly under control I'm starting to work on other things - like the yard. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] It's been a long, slow, sometimes excruciatingly painful process, but I'm happy in spite of it all.I'm better off now than I was in the marriage. I'll always believe that we could have saved it and come out of the struggles better than ever, but I couldn't have done it alone. I gave it all I had and then some. This wasn't what I set out after all those years ago, but it's much better than the marriage was.It's very nice to see you again!

i have been wandering about in these posts wondering if i( we ) were the only ones that went straight from my finding out about H's EA to making up and trying to recover. I found out years after the fact, although he still had contact with OW. we have been doing fine,he broke all contact,we have had no counseling, and just have been reading our bibles, reading other books to help our marriage, and trying to be totally honest with each other. it has been about a year since d'day, but i still am having trust issues, your post has helped me to think my husband can actually be late sometime and me not fall into immediate panic or atleaszt the right kind of panic. thanks, any advice or comment would be welcomed. ~ H [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

Welcome, SCHOOL! I don't read GQ anymore, so I don't know the recent stories. You might want to search on LaurieC, in the Read Only section, and maybe in the Recovery. Her H's affair was over for some time before she found out and they are quite a success. HGBrauner...I may not be spelling that correctly, is another success story that you may like to search. You can find my 3 year saga here. Basically, my H was ending the affair about the time I discovered it. He had met her in a bar and met her about 10 times, although they talked on the phone like made. I believe him when he says it had not become sexual beyond the kissy face stuff. It took maybe two years to believe that.Even with a great recovery, your experience is extremely painful. It takes years. I have grown and learned so much about myself.A year is just enough time to get past the excruiciating 24/7 feelings. It gets better. In fact you see by my post, at 3+ years, I just passed another milestone! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I'd be happy to help you by answering any questions. It sounds like you are doing the right things and you need lots of time.

~~~ FaithHopeLove~ thanks for the encouragment.
I need it. Yesterday I saw my husband responding to an email he got from a mutual friend of ours, someone who helps out at our church as a childrens pastors secretary. He was mailing her about a class he teaches, the emails were just polite chatter and about her son who is in my husbands class, but i was freaking(inside) to think He is sooo over this whole thing that He would think I would be ok with his e mailing ( however innocent) another woman. ~did any of that make sense?~ But we talked about it and he said he would never have done that if he knew it would make me upset. then i tend to feel like i am over reacting. not that he makes me feel that way, i just look at it from another point of view and i see it differently. i guess it will be this way for a while. ... sigh.... like rational flying out the window huh... thanks H [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Faith, how are you doing?
I think it is great you didn't automatically assume he was cheating on you-that shows strength and growth! Give yourself two extra pats on the back-your sub-conscience is finally listening to you. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

faithhopelove~ am looking for lauriec and cannot find her story, im really interested in reading it can you help me find it ?? please? ~H

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=1&t=010138SCHOOL...here is one link to an old Read Only Post. If you search the Read Only Posts with LaurieC's Member #511, a few more pop up. I forgot, most of her posts came before a bad crash in 1999 and prior posts, when she was actually in early recovery, were lost. However, she retells her story and I think you can still get a great deal out of it.If you click on the sunglasses in this post, then ask to view recent posts, all her 2001 posts in the Recovery section will pop up. Good luck! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

WOW!! Who would have thought a post from 1999 could help me sooo much! Faithopelove~ thanks for connecting me with the links to LaurieC. I have been encouraged! I thought maybe we were recovering too fast, I think reading in here made me think I should be still having trouble in areas ia am not having trouble in. But after reading some of those posts I think we are doing fine. Not that I still don't have some issues, but I and doing ok and will deal. :cool have a great day everyone~ H: