Last night my H didn't come home. I thought he went straight to a meeting, but then it got even later. My daughter was on the phone, so I knew it would have been hard to contact me.<p>When it got even later, I started to get quite anxious.<p>But the breakthough was I was anxious that he had gotten in an accident! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I was not concerned he was off romping around! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Sounds silly, but this is huge. The last 3 years, when I started to panic, I was concerned about what he was doing, even after I trusted him in saner moments.<p>This time, I was just concerned for his safety! I wasn't sure if I'd ever get here. Just thought I'd share! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

By the way, he did try to call, and he was paged back into work.

Did you have concerns about romping before his EA or are these new feelings ?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by FaithHopeLove:
<strong>Last night my H didn't come home. I thought he went straight to a meeting, but then it got even later. My daughter was on the phone, so I knew it would have been hard to contact me.<p>When it got even later, I started to get quite anxious.<p>But the breakthough was I was anxious that he had gotten in an accident! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I was not concerned he was off romping around! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Sounds silly, but this is huge. The last 3 years, when I started to panic, I was concerned about what he was doing, even after I trusted him in saner moments.<p>This time, I was just concerned for his safety! I wasn't sure if I'd ever get here. Just thought I'd share! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>this illustrates the power of perception.<p>how you chose independently to perceive his being late made all the difference in how you felt.<p>it's revealing to see where we really are emotionally when we are left to our own devices.<p>I get sort of the same barometer reading of myself sometimes thru dreams. Times when my consciousness is relaxed can show me sometimes where I really stand in relation to some things.<p>I know how huge this is and I think it's great. I pray that the trend (s) that brought you this far will continue.
[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

I don't think I really choose to distrust him the last 3 years. In fact, except for weak moments, trusting his immediate actions, intentions and whereabouts has not been too much of a problem. I believed he regretted his actions, was no longer involved and would not repeat his mistake.<p>The trouble was I could have what I would describe as a panic attack and all rational thought would fly out the window.<p>This time I was afraid he was hurt or dead, but I wasn't afraid he was fooling around.<p>Ironically I would worry about accidents if he was late before the affair, but I never gave one minute of thought that he was being unfaithful. It's nice to get back to plain old concern.

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Sounds like a truly great step! After all, w/o trust, it is hard for any positive feelings to get thru the protective wall...<p>Hugs--<p>Kathi

Scott, just saw your question. No one could have convinced me that my H could have romped. I openly celebrated "the fact" that my H was someone that could be absolutely unconditionally trusted. In fact, I put a great deal of thought to his truthworthiness and potential fidelity when I agreed to marry him. An old boyfriend adored me, but burned me. I walked in on them. I vowed to myself to only have a relationship with someone I thought I could trust. I ended a best friend caught on fire type relationship because I told him he loved women too much and I perceived he'd be high risk for an affair. <p>I knew my H wasn't Romeo when I married him, but I thought that being a nice guy and a safe personality more than made up for it.<p>I was wrong.

Kathi, I think you are right! Maybe this truly is significant!

I think it IS significant. But, I am keeping ya in my prayers [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I openly celebrated "the fact" that my H was someone that could be absolutely unconditionally trusted.<hr></blockquote><p>Openly celebrated? Like with champagne and party cake? Just kidding. Hey, I KNEW my H was absolutely trustworthy too. <p>I now think that "unconditional trust" is right there next to "unconditional love"...a somewhat romantic notion, a pleasant fiction that actually does more harm than good. All that bugged me for a while...I missed those notions for a while. Luckily, I decided we are all just human, darn it all.<p> [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Kathi

My friend's H had an affair (they recovered). It was her second marriage. My friends daughter, H's step daughter, was angrily telling my friend that ALL men are swine and there were no good marriages. My friend said yes there were. The daughter said to name one. Friend named mine. Daughter agreed. <p>That exchange took place during my H's affair, but before I knew.<p>Of course unconditional trust in a mere human is misguided. I know that now. I agree with you. I don't believe my pain was any greater than any other BS. However, some wouldn't even call what my H had an affair, just like your situation. I do think I may have taken the whole thing harder than one might expect given the circumstances, and I think that may be because the idea of faithfulness and honesty was so important to me. And it has been hard to acknowledge that even my H is human.

Actually, FHL, I hate to break it to ya, but I'm not sure your H is human...maybe from a not-as-yet dicovered planet?<p> [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by kam6318:
<strong>Actually, FHL, I hate to break it to ya, but I'm not sure your H is human...maybe from a not-as-yet dicovered planet?<p> [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Kathi - KAM be nice. Is that a way to talk to a friend ?

FHL,<p> Just curious (if you don't mind me asking), How long did the PA/EA of your H last? Did you guys go into recovery immediately (after D day)?

Kathi... [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] (You could be on to something....)<p>Scott...Kathi thinks you are from the neighboring planet. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>dsmith, My H's affair lasted about 4 weeks, or about 10 dates and lots of phone calls. He pretty much ended it before I discovered it. Phone contact continued for another few months, until I discovered it. To the best of my knowledge, he ended all contact after the 2nd discovery....so 3 months in all. She was a stranger, so she is not part of our life or his work, plus she lives in a different city.<p>Yes, we went into recovery immediately, but until he broke all contact with her, he was really really weird.

Scott...Kathi thinks you are from the neighboring planet. <p>AND YOU TOO BRUTUS

Boy, you leave here for a bit, and you come back to a mudslinging fest. Geez! Oh, wait, I started it [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] ...<p>Just for the record, I do think Scott's origins are in the same solar system as the rest of us. Despite his attempts at emulating Spock, I've a feeling that he's really more human than he lets on...shhhhh..don't tell though.<p>As for your H, FHL, I'm sure you know I was just kidding. BTW, my H and I were discussing differing communication styles last night, and I told him the "plumb line" story. He said he thought hanging jackets straight was pretty important, but he did allow that maybe plumb lines would be just little much [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] . (BTW, he never ventures into my half of the closet, I think all the unbuttoned shirts threatening to slide off their hangers at any moment, and the shoes tossed in versus placed neatly on their holders [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] must scare him!)<p>OK, today is a new day, and I'll try and be nice to everyone. May need duct tape if I have to deal with one particular client tho...<p>Kathi<p>[ April 18, 2002: Message edited by: kam6318 ]</p>

This is great news, FHL. I agree that it's very significant. This stuff takes a long time sometimes.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I see Faith&#8217;s new trust as more of a mature trust. Her original trust was more of a blind trust. As we feel more comfortable and secure with ourselves we won&#8217;t need that &#8220;My spouse could never ever betray me&#8221; trust. <p>Harley warns us not to trust unconditionally.<p>[ April 18, 2002: Message edited by: Promised Forever ]</p>

Hi O2bsane! How is your life going?<p>Kathi, we used to share a closet. I like having my own so much better! His closet is more jammed than mine, because he won't give away any of his clothes. <p>The annoying thing in our old house was he would swish my clothes together, because the only way you can hang something up or take something out is to do a very broad sweeping motion so you have 2 feet of space. Of course he wouldn't unswish the clothes after he was done. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>But as you can imagine, all of his shirts are perfectly balanced. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Promised Forever:
<strong>I see Faith&#8217;s new trust as more of a mature trust. Her original trust was more of a blind trust. As we feel more comfortable and secure with ourselves we won&#8217;t need that &#8220;My spouse could never ever betray me&#8221; trust. <p>Harley warns us to trust unconditionally.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Aren't we insightful today! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]