Well here is my story. It sounds so much like others here, but still has its own differences. I had to cut down some of the history because it went too long (4 pages in Word!!), so here is a shorter verson, but still not short, ugh:

In February of 2011 I was trying to make family nights on Saturday. I would try to find a movie we could all watch and found the movie Up. I remember watching it with DS while H was around, drinking and smoking (I know, horrible that DS was there, but for us this was normal as he had done this for years whether it was a weekend or weekday). Of course I have to say I wasn�t innocent in not drinking at this time either, but by this time it was only on the weekends for me. Anyway, that movie made me cry. I looked at the couple in there and wished I had that with DH. It made me cry even harder that H made some comment about it being a stupid movie and why would I cry at something so dumb. I remember thinking what�s the point of us being together if he doesn�t get it. I was so miserable and lonely and tired of feeling not wanted because he did everything and when I would ask what I could help with he would say don�t worry about it he would do it.

At work I had been talking to an acquaintance. We began to talk more and I allowed myself to begin to bash DH to this person. I had known him since I began working at the company; he was in IT and always seemed nice and willing to help. He seemed like a good person and I began to have thoughts I should not have. He knew what questions to ask and what to say. I hadn�t heard anything nice or positive from DH in a long time and let this person do that. I began to dread going home every night with someone who didn�t seem to care about me, laughed at me, was an addict, and said hurtful things (one time he told our son that maybe his new daddy would take him to the park, another time he told our son they were going to go to the store to look for a new mommy, all which he said pre A).

Eventually it turned physical. I remember being so sick about it. I lost 10lbs, and felt such guilt, but when I would be at home all I would hear was the negative things so I justified it. Before the A turned physical DH had decided to go back to school and get certified. He said then (and still does to this day) that the only reason he did it is because I forced him. I was always telling him to finish what he started and how I wanted him to be home in the summers for DS. Because of this H stopped getting high, but still drank just as much. I continued in my fog but began to think that it was a mistake and I needed to end it, but couldn�t figure out how. I knew DH would find out eventually, he suspected something and asked me if there was something going on, but I lied.

Finally on 8/12/11, I was typing an email to OM and DH saw it. I tried to cover it up, but knew I was found out. I confessed the entire thing to him. It was like a weight was gone. Everything hit the fan that night. DH took my phone and left the house. He called almost everyone, my family, his family, some of his friends, my boss and a couple co workers. I left the house with DS, dropped him off at the in-laws and stayed at my sister�s house. The next day he went to OM�s house and confronted him and his wife. At the time I thought DH was crazy and how could call all of those people and go to their house, but after reading a lot on this site I see that he did the right thing and am thankful he did. I went home the next day and we began to talk. That was the last day he had anything to drink and began to turn everything around. We went to �MC� but since he made the appointment they focused on him and his addiction more than what was wrong with us. She went on to tell him what I did was because of his addiction. I really don�t think that is correct since it was something I did to us, not him. During this time DH told me the reason he quit his internship 8 years before was because there was a coworker that he had developed an EA with (he claims it was one sided and it never became physical) and he didn�t want to do anything to hurt our marriage. He also told me that he had medical problems at that time, but didn�t want me to know. According to him the OW (can I call her that?) wanted to quit her job and take care of him. So it seems she knew more than me.

During this time I was still in contact with OM. Not like before, but still in contact. We texted a couple of times about a show and he texted me a couple times in the morning, which I responded to. However, DH didn�t know about the texts. On 9/16/12 OM called me, I missed the call and called him back and we talked a little. He told me he was in MC and that he realized that he had made a mistake and that it was over. I told DH about the phone call and we sent a NC letter and I have not heard from or seen him since.

After the dday 2, DH and I started going out on dates, something we had not done since DS was born. We enjoyed our time and the SF was better than ever (it had become a routine same time once a week). He would even come to bed at night at the same time I did (he had been sleeping (or passing out) on the couch since I was pregnant, and even if he did come to bed, there was a pillow between us). We seemed to be back on the right track, and then Thanksgiving weekend DH got the phone records and saw the texts from September. That was a horrible weekend. I pointed out to him that there were no more texts, or calls and that I have maintained NC. It hasn�t been the same between us since.

The last 6 months or so have been filled with arguments, and what seems to be half-hearted trying to put things back together. I came to this site at the end of February after a night of feeling sorry for myself and being ignored by DH. I knew there were people out there that were in the same situation. I have been reading posts since then and it has helped me see what I did to my DH, DS, and my marriage. I have had discussions with DH on how he feels, and has felt for so many years. I realize now that I had what I always wanted a husband that loves me and wants me with him. I asked him yesterday if he will be willing to work on this and he has told me that he is willing to do whatever it takes. I guess I thought it would be easy, but now know that it will be work to get some, if any of the previous relationship back.

There are days where it is hard to let go of past feelings, but I am trying. We have such a long history together and it is hard to do that. It is hard to not read into a comment that he makes like �I think today I�m going to meet someone who will change my life�. What is that supposed to mean? So I freak out and walk away from him because I think it means he is out looking for something else. He says he�s not that I am his one and only, but that is so hard to believe because he looked into setting up an account on Match.com. I also found hidden email accounts, and he set up a FB page. He never had one before. I had deleted mine after DDay 1, but have reactivated it so I can be listed as his wife on there. That�s probably not a good thing to do, but I don�t think there is any reason for him to have one and he won�t delete it. He has always said he is a bad person to make angry because he gets revenge, so now I am all paranoid he will have a RA. He says he won�t, but I always said I wouldn�t do what I did.

So now on to the hard work, trying to work through all of this and come out the other side together. As I keep telling him let�s make 2012 the beginning our next 20 and 12 and to make it better than before so it lasts forever.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Which MB books have you purchased/read?

Start with SAA (Surviving an Affair).

What in hell are you arguing about?
And has this pattern of arguing restored your love for each other?

No, of course not.

I guess it's MB 101 for you.

For starters .....

MB basic concepts POJA = policy of joint agreement (no more arguments/resentments/sacrificing) Making important decisions ONLY when you are BOTH enthusiastic about the choice you are making

MB basic concepts PORH = policy of radical honesty (NOT brutal honesty) You cannot POJA without PORH.

MB basic concepts UA time = Policy of undivided attention a minimum 15 hours a week !

This is just for starters.

You need SAA.

Thanks!

We haven't read any yet. Just starting to get our feet wet. I was planning on ordering some this weekend. I did print some questionnaires off the website and want to get those done this weekend as well. BH made the comment that he thought I was going to get him to do paper work last night, but I told him that we will have to do that when we have time, I don't want to rush through them. Week days are crazy for us right now.

Here on MB, we do not sugar-coat things.

Allow me to translate the above quote.

"During this time I was a lying/sneaking/conniving/dishonest/adulterous wayward wife."

The following 'disclaimer' means NOTHING.

These sort of weasel words are lies you tell yourself to keep you from recognizing the actual depth of your sins.
We want you to heal and recover, so we point out to you when you tell yourself fibs.

OK?

Welcome to Marriage Builders !!!

I see that the arguments aren't helping us, and want to change that. Some seem to be so small like what are we going to do with our time (cleaning or going somewhere) to bigger, like why do you have secret email accounts.

This is a pattern we have been in for years even pre A. I would point it out to him and he would say that it would get better. My point to him now is it didn't get better and look what happened. Time for something new.

Marriage recovery should be your priority.
Not an afterthought.

It's funny (not really?) that you say that about the lying, etc. When I was typing that I knew how it would be received and I deserve all that gets thrown at me.

I don't think you realized I created 3 links to get you started.


For starters .....

CLICK LINK ~~~> MB basic concepts POJA = policy of joint agreement (no more arguments/resentments/sacrificing) Making important decisions ONLY when you are BOTH enthusiastic about the choice you are making

CLICK LINK ~~~> MB basic concepts PORH = policy of radical honesty (NOT brutal honesty) You cannot POJA without PORH.

CLICK LINK ~~~> MB basic concepts UA time = Policy of undivided attention a minimum 15 hours a week !

You 'deserve' the TRUTH!
You will appreciate this more as time goes on.

PS: We call this sort of help ~~~> of truth !

Hang in there.

Keep posting.

Progress, not perfection, yanno?

POJA will absolutely fix this.
It is a skill that does NOT come by instinct.
It must be practiced.
Becoming a POJA Ninja is like winning the marriage happiness lottery !

You are right, it should be my priority, which is what I am making it starting today. There is nothing more important to me than my family. It is horrible that it took such a horrible act for me to discover that.

So that being said, I will sit DH down tonight after dinner and will have him complete what I printed out yesterday. I will alos use the links on your post.

I need that kind of help. I have seen it on other posts and see how it has helped others.

Thanks, I will give a progress report once I have done my homework.

I listened to the radio show from yesterday and Dr. H dsicussed the POJA. I really like the idea of it and think it is something we have been lacking.

One ongoing argument has always been doing things (holidays, etc.) with my family. I know that the POJA will help us get through those times.

I am looking forward to that!

Oh, and BTW, Pepperband, I really like the link to the notable posts in your signature line. I have just skimmed the surface of them, and look forward to reading the rest.

I am determined to get through WPG's posts first though.

If I may, Pep, here's a slightly more specific characterization..
Becoming a POJA Ninja is like winning the marriage happiness lottery !

NT&T, it has been my experience here that the length of a WS's initial post is directly related to the trouble that person will go to to obfuscate/alibi the situation.

Would it be fair to summarize your story as follows:

Unhappy with your marriage for a number of reasons, and not knowing how to address those with your husband, you turned to another man for your emotional needs. It inevitably turned physical, and your husband discovered your affair. He (instinctively?) performed an effective exposure, but even at that, you could not on your own, end it with POSOM. Since POSOM ended it, you and your BH are experiencing recurrent bouts of anger/resentment, and you want to know how to start on a more effective path of marriage recovery.

How's that?

Thanks NG.
I was too lazy to look for this one.

NeverGuessed,

Yes, that would be a fair summation.

I think I tend to look at what happend in the past to justify what I did, but I know that nothing justifies it.

I guess I can only say I wanted to get as must info in there as possible and tend to put in WAY more detail than I need to. This is a problem for me when I am telling stories in person too.

This is an excellent read.
A Recovery Guide for a WW

BrainHurts,

Thanks for the link. I have been trying to read all I can for posts by FWWs and BHs.

NT&T, I'm beginning to like your attitude and chances here.

BTW, from your (abridged) story:

Unhappy with your marriage for a number of reasons, and not knowing how to address those with your husband, you turned to another man for your emotional needs. It inevitably turned physical. You and your BH are experiencing recurrent bouts of anger/resentment, and you want to know how to start on a more effective path of marriage recovery.

is just about verbatim with every other WW's story. You needn't spend a whole lot of time reading for confirmation.

I know you read WPG's. I urge you to read DoroM's and FifteenYears' as well.

But, read the anguish in any selection of BH stories, not to beat yourself to a pulp with the raw emotions, but to anticipate what your BH is/will be experiencing as you rebuild what you broke.

NeverGuessed,

Thanks for the suggestions. I will read those ones as well.

I think your name says some of what I have been feeling. I never guessed how much he did love me and I never guessed how much it would hurt him. I have read what some BHs have posted and it has opened my eyes. I have asked DH if he felt whatever I had just read and he confirmed it.

It has helped me in so many ways.

Hi Nxt20and12, welcome to Marriage Builders. Do you still work with the OM?

When someone is truly sorry for their actions, they don't tend to make a laundry list of the wrongdoings of others unless they are blaming that person. Your post is long because it is a citation of your husband's faults. It doesn't sound like you are too sorry to me.

What To Do With an Unfaithful Wife

MelodyLane,

I still work at the same company. I have no idea if the OM does anymore. A while ago a friend, who knows eveything that happened, told me that she had seen him in the hall and he told her he got a new job. Whether that meant at a new company or different department, I have no idea. I could look him up in the directory and find out if he is still here, but have no desire or reason to. I have asked DH if he would like to do that and he has declined.

My getting a new job has been discussed. I browsed around a while ago, but DH is not employed on a steady basis right now, so I felt it would not be wise to switch jobs until he has something. This last weekend, however, I started thinking that part of our problem is that I am still at the same job, as me leaving for work everyday would be a trigger for him, and have started to look for something different again. I have always wanted to work with the company I am at, but realize that I should be thinking of others now, and not myself.

As I mentioned earlier, I made my post long because I wanted to get as much in there as possible. I started thinking about this though last night and started to see it as whining. DS seems to be whining all of the time right now and we are trying to break him of that. I think I may have been the same way and it is time to put my big girl pants on and accept what I did and do something to try to fix it. I didn't meant to make what I posted a list of justifications for my actions, but that is how it came off. I remember not so long ago trying to blame what happened on things that happened in the past so I had typed a "history" of us so I could try to put my thoughts in order. After typing the "history" I realized I didn't have much to complain about and see I was being selfish. It would be interesting to see what DH would write if he were to do the same thing. I am betting it will open my eyes further.

So now I am here trying to fix what I did. I cry quite frequently for what I lost, a DH who trusted me and would do anything for me, and what I may never get back. I plan on fighting hard for that though and am hopeful I will win out.

Ugh, another long post. Sorry.

Last night I was not able to get any questionnaires filled out, but did order the books SAA, HNHN, and LB. Also when we went to bed I made it a point not to be on my phone (which we usually are) and just talked to DH about his day. We don't have much time to ourselves, so I wanted to make the time we did have about us only and not our phones. So I didnt get all of my homework done, but did do some.

Today I printed out the links Pepperband provided so tonights goal is to read through them try to have more time to just us. I almost feel like I shouldn't be at work and home doing all of this now, but DH is working today, so it will have to wait for now.

We do have a part vacation day on Friday so I will be able to get more done then.

You really need to find out and find out NOW because you will have to leave that job if he works there. How is it you don't know this? That does not ring true. Working at the same place as an affair partner makes recovery of the marriage impossible.


And that "as much" just happened to be all bad things about your husband which have absolutely nothing to do with your affair unless the goal is to blame shift. Like I said, when someone is truly remorseful they don't give an exhaustive citation of the wrongs of others.


IT came off that way because it is that way. Wayward wives typically blame their husbands for their affairs because that is how they justify them. And that is what you did in your post.

My suggestion would be to focus on your side of the street and let him fix his side of the street.

And I am trying to understand how it is that you seemingly "don't know" if the OM works at your company. That does not seem realistic.

Nxt, that is always something a WS "discovers". But let me ask - if you KNEW about his love and how much your deeds would hurt him, would it make any difference that time?

The point is somewhere else. You have to eliminate ALL conditions that led to an affair. Thus changing jobs would be your No 1 thing right now. Fixing your poor boundaries around opposite sex would be your No 2 thing. There are a lot of things that you have to do, so you would need a proper plan. NC and how to keep it for life, reading SAA, extraordinary precautions to protect yourself and your BS, etc. Here's an excellent example list - Extraordinary Precautions

I was there where you are right now 3 yrs ago. I started this road with keeping myself busy around my H doing good things. Since you have to avoid lovebusters at all cost anyway it would be a good kick start: initiate little dates first, call him during the day, surprise him with things he loves, make him appreciated, take walks, listen to music, read MB materials together, do family things, take a minibreak, hold hands, play a game together. Next day with some variations, and so on. Your actions will talk more about the remorse that just words after words after words.

Does your son know about your affair? Let him know and apologise.

I work for a large company that has more than one building. I am in a separate walled off section of one of the buildings and do not go outside of my section unless it is to go to the bathroom, to go home at night, or to workout at lunch (which DH joins me for sometimes). I rarely see anyone other than my immediate coworkers.

I recognize that I will need to find another job and have begun looking for one. However this will take time, which I know sounds like an excuse, but with only one income (mine) it is impossible for me to just quit. Because of this situation I have made sure to change my routine up so if OM is still around I would not have a chance to run into him. I leave work either a lot earlier or later then I previously did. I make sure I stay at my desk unless it is to use the bathroom, leave work, or get my lunch. I no longer leave at lunch time, unless it is to meet DH for lunch. I have talked to DH about this situation and he tells me he is OK with it, but I know it still worries him, and I need to change it so it doesn't.

I also understand I need to work on my side of the street and am beginning to do that too. I know I have issues and have had for a long time. I know that the material I now have will help me. I was in counseling before our son was born and learned to deal with just me then. I just forgot the lessons I learned and need them again. I realize now it is a constant process.

I do know I handled things very badly. Instead of getting in counseling to deal with what I was feeling I did someting horrible. DH's IC told him that instead of doing what I did I shouold have gone to Alnon to deal with him being drunk and high all the time. I wish now that I would have done something instead of what I did.

So, you admit you know he works there? You obviously wouldn't be avoiding him and talking about leaving if you didn't know. I don't appreciate the dishonesty one bit. We are not stupid.

I work for a much larger company than yours and it is inconveivable to me that you don't know if the OM works there or not. That is not credible. You managed to meet the OM at work so you are not so isolated that you would never see him. In my company we receive emails constantly that are sent out enmasse, so surely you would have evidence of his presence.

Your H is ok with it because he doesn't understand that you are playing Russian roulette with his life every day. Every day you go to work there is a new trigger. It is like sending the alcoholic into the bar every day and hoping for the best. If you did decide to resume your affair you sure wouldn't be honest about it.


More blameshifting.

You didn't have the affair to "deal with" your husbands drunkeness. You had the affair because you have poor boundaries around men. And unless you tighten up those boundaries, you will have more.

Mrs Recon6mo,

Maybe it would have made a difference, but I will never know. I have asked him why he never told me then what he tells me now and he says he was scared of what I would say. His response basically tells me I had and still have issues that put him off so I need to fix that.

We were doing the dates on a more regualr basis, but have slipped off on that, but I have planned more recently and we will do more going forward. I call or text him throughout the day and ask him about his day instead of talking about mine. We hold hands a lot (we never did even when we first started dating) and I am really enjoying it. We used to walk together, but now they have turned into runs as he has picked up running. I like this since I always did it alone and like having the company so we can comment on the things we see (also he forces me to go faster). His birthday is coming up. In the past I just always let DS draw a picture and we would get a small gift. This year I am trying to come up with something different so he knows I am thinking of him and how much I appreciate him.

Our son knows something happened. He has been told what I did (maybe not in a way that would be recommended) but I think he may be too young at this point to understand what it actually means. I know it will be around with us for the rest of our lives, and know he will one day fully understand what happened.

Can you reorganise your work so that you do it from home during the time you search for another job?

In your answer you recognise the very possibility to see OM - however large the building is. KNOWING that he is close, is not letting yourself to heal and getting your "fix" instead. That way you continue to be foggy.

MelodyLane,

I don't want to play games, however I did say I don't know if he is here and because of that I have changed my behavior. Yes, we get mass emails, however they change it so the it appears to have only been sent to one person which would be me. You don't see what other people are receiving the emails.

I also stated that OM was in the IT department. I have limited interaction with that department when there are computer issues. I have not had any, so have not had to contact them.

I have acknowledged I have poor boundaries and am working on changing that as well.

Mrs Recon6mo,

I work from home as much as possible.

I know everyone reading all of this has seen and heard it all. I also know that anything I say is subject to scrutiny. All I can say is that I am working on healing and there is no way I will do what I did again no matter what.

The only person who I need to believe in me at this point is me.

And people typically don't change their behavior and offer to leave their jobs unless they know the affair partner is there. Of course he is there. And I am sure you have run into him. I see our IT guys about 2 to 3 times a month and their offices are probably about 2 miles to the back of the facility. I couldn't even find them if I tried. But we do run into each other. And obviously you did run into him in the past or you wouldn't have had an affair. Just pointing out that this story is not going to fly here. It might work on your husband, it is not going to stick HERE and I find it insulting.

If you want this to work, you need to get honest with US and with your husband. You do know he works there and that means your husband is in great danger. You might have minimized the risk to your husband but we know the truth.

Does your employer know about your affair? Usually if an employer knows their employees are that reckless, they take steps to transfer one of them. That happened to another couple over on the SAA board.

That is like the alcoholic who goes in the bar every day and SWEARS he will never drink again. A person who is serious stays out of the bar because he recognizes the risk. You don't recognize the risk or you wouldn't be there. Your sincerity is evidenced by your lack of serious action to avoid your adultery partner.

MelodyLane,

As mentioned before, a coworker ran into him months ago and he told her he got a new job. What that means I don't know, but as I have not had computer issues I have not needed to contact them.

My boss knows about it as my H called him on DDay. He felt that it was not something that needed to be communicated to HR unless it continued.

Did your husband go for that?

What, that a friend that my DH talks to (in fact he will see her on Saturday) told me that? Yes he did.

I have stated before that I am here to help my marriage. I know I did something horrible and want to do what I can to recover from that. I don't think that disscussing over and over again if someone I could care less about works at a company does anything to accomplish that.

Nothing I say will convince you otherwise so I'm at a loss of what else to say.

It is not credible in the least that you don't know if the OM works there or not. I suspect you made that up to appease your - naturally - concerned husband. He knows the risk even if you don't.

And it is even more alarming that you don't understand how dangerous working in the same place is to your marriage AND TO your career.

I think you do know he works there and are just playing dumb for the sake of your husband. This way you can con him into thinking you don't see the OM, therefore, you should keep your job.

People who are serious about recovering do not play around like this, they get out of the environment that made them sick. Like I said, an alcoholic who is serious gets his [censored] out of the bar. He doesn't sit there and pretend like he doesn't see the booze under the counter.

What do you gain by pretending you don't know if the OM works there or not? Continued contact?

Nxt20and12,

Speaking here as a guy who never thought he'd get into an affair, but did,

and who (about halfway through) thought he could break it off while continuing to countenance contact, but didn't,

let me just say that, while I don't like to get doctrinaire too much, the doctrine of "no-contact" is really one you don't want to cut corners on. Not at all.

There are two reasons for this:

#1, for you. For your own withdrawal & healing. You don't want "chance encounters." (Or at least you shouldn't -- not if you're serious about committing to your marriage.) You don't want any encounters. Remember, once upon a time, I'll bet you didn't think you'd ever have an affair either, am I right? But one "chance" conversation led to another, and another, and you see where that got ya? The way to fix yourself after after what you've done is, you cut down on the "chance" of encounters, as much as it's within your power to effect. Get outta there. If OM is there, you ought not to be.

#2, for your husband. For him to be albe to feel emotionally safe in committing to the marriage & going all-in on meeting your needs, you need to go out of your way to reassure him. Having him wondering, every day, about whether you're going to have a "chance encounter" that day, each day, is not a good way to provide reassurance. It's the opposite of reassurance.

Get outta there. If OM is there, you ought not to be.

If you are serious about saving your M, then understand NC is Step 1 to Recovery. Working with the OM is unacceptable. Dr Harley recommends moving out of state to eliminate risk of contact if necessary.

I am going to call you out on leaving this vital information out of your first post...that you still work with the OM, that you and your H are still triggered and that you know that needs to change.

Instead when this information is routed out, you throw out things like that your posts are being scrutinized, you need to believe in yourself, and other excuses about why this can't happen now and you even tell us you don't understand the point in "discussing" NC when OM is someone you could care less about.



I am sorry but I have to agree with Mel (I think). I suspect you don't want to close the door on ever running into OM at work again.

Yes, you are right, having a FB page is a terrible idea for you.

I would close it and implement ironclad EPs even if your H is not committed to R right now.

Have you changed your email address(es) and phone number(s) that you communicated with OM with?

Can you call the coaching center?

Also if he won't delete Facebook why not have a joint account?

Welcome, Nxt. Question, please: Have you answered all of your husband's questions regarding the affair? Are you still working for the same employer? If so, do you understand the mental cruelty this creates for your husband? You need to leave that job if you want to save your marriage. To refuse to do so is a terrible daily assault to your husband, do you understand that?

I'll bet it would be very easy for you to find out in a weak moment during your recovery. And I'll bet you he absolutely is still working there. This is why you need to leave that job. And that doesn't even address the cruelty of what your husband has to go through every day when you leave for work: "Will today be the day when they 'bump' into each other? Will today be the day the A starts back up?"

This is a no-brainer. Forget "browsing around" for a job. That doesn't work. Sadly, this is a consequence of your adultery. It's unfortunate that, while you were choosing to boink your co-worker, you didn't make financial arrangements for the fallout of your poor choice, so you and your husband would have money to tide you over after the A is done and you've quit your job. That never happens, though.

I re-read my post, and it sounds mean. I don't intend it to. I want to speak very straight to you and not beat around the bush. I want you on a straight path for recovering your marriage.

NG, I'm a really nice person, right? Right?

NXT,
Welcome! I read your story and it sounds a lot like mine. I know that some of the people posting on here can seem harsh but they are the best of the best. They know what they are talking about and are challenging you to take every step and precaution to save your marriage.

I saw that you posted on WPGs post today. No matter how your story turns out, just remember that you are working on you first. Through your actions
Your husband will hopefully see what a marriage should be. I am still a work in progress but wish you the best.

Take in everything you get from this site, the good and the bad. Waywards that truly want to fix themselves and their marriage end up figuring out the the harshness of the pros here is just tough love and every word is worth it.

NT&T, while I'll leave the "employment change" discussion in capable hands, I don't want that to be the only thing you're working on.

You said earlier, We haven't read any yet. Just starting to get our feet wet. I was planning on ordering some this weekend.... he thought I was going to get him to do paper work last night, but I told him that we will have to do that when we have time...

Uhh, ordering Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs are achievable as you read this, on this site. Wait for the weekend?

Time is always the impediment to getting done what should be done. Waiting for big blocks of time is ineffective. Manage the things you want to do into smaller blocks. What do I mean?

Go to the Basic Concepts page, print it out. Make two copies. Tomorrow morning at breakfast, instead of reading the paper together (I don't CARE about Rihanna's baby-bump!) you and your husband review the contents with highlighters, and see how these can be used in your life.

THE key factor in our recovery was our commitment to spend about 20 minutes every day, when my bride returned from work, having a glass of when sitting on the couch. The key words are EVERY DAY!

I will try to answer all of the questions; if I miss something I will try to go back and answer them.

I have acknowledged that my going to work every morning at the same place is a trigger for DH. I see it every morning. I try to reassure him, but I know that my words and assurances ring hollow because of what happened. All I can do right now is to be transparent. He has access to my work email account and I have shown him how to log into my work computer. I also have a GPS tracker on my phone, and possibly on my car. I am the only one with health insurance right now, so it is not possible for me to quit until one of us has a job with benefits. I have begun looking for another place. Whether OM is still at the same place or not, I know that until I am away from this place DH will continue to wonder and worry.

BrainHurts - I found the call center�s number, so know I have a resource there. I find FB a waste of time, and feel DH will find it a waste in the near future as well. I am rarely on it, but that is beside the point. I will bring up the idea of a joint FB page, but don't think I have ever seen one that way so not sure how that would work/look, will have to look into it. If not, I can delete mine again, but want to be able to monitor his and reactivating mine was the only way I could think to do so. I could have him change the email address on his page to another email account I have access to.

Maritalbliss - Yes I have answered all of DHs questions about the A. I resisted at first, but he pointed out that in order to begin to heal he had to know. I deleted the email account, but still have the same phone number. I was not able to block a number on my old phone, but can on my new one. I have asked DH if he wants the number blocked, but he said no (I don�t remember the number, and would have to get it from DH as I think he has it somewhere).

NeverGuessed - It's funny you say that. The day I said I would order the books this weekend, I went home and ordered them because I couldn't justify waiting, so I should have the books by this weekend. I always tell people who say they are going to start a diet after the weekend (or whenever) why wait for then when you can start today. Time to take my own advice. Yesterday I printed out as much stuff as I could find on the website yesterday, which included Basic Concepts. I began reading POJA last night. We have gotten in the habit of not taking the little time we have of just us two and using it for spending time together. I have started to take advantage of those times and use them to just talk about whatever. It has been nice to have that.

To all - I truly want to fix myself and try to put my family back together. I want the good and the bad and the tough love. I don't have any of that in my life (besides from DH) so need it from somewhere. My family doesn't discuss it and friends think it should all be ok by now, which I know is not true as it will always be with us, so thanks to all for what you have said or will say in the future.

But if the OM is not there, then you will have put your husband through holy hell for no reason, right? And if he is not there, you would have no reason to leave your job. So I am not understanding this line of thinking. It is incomprehensible.


You can't be tranparent about contact at work, though. You could be talking to the OM every day in person and on your desk phones. You are free to hook up in quiet, out of the way places.

Is there a reason why you would put your husband through this daily hell if you don't even know if the OM works there, as you claim?

I understand what you are saying as I have heard it from DH. The only reason I am still here right now, as I have said before, is because I am the only one with a steady income. Sure I could quit, have no income, no insurance, and start living off the little savings we have. With the economy the way it is now, it could take months to find a job which means that the savings would go very fast. We are close to living off of it as it is since DH quit work and has a sporatic income. I do not see this as a very wise thing to do, unless you have another idea.

I know what I did was not a wise thing to do, but I did it and am doing the best I can right now.

My objection is not about you working there for the time being, but about my confusion about why you don't know if the OM works there. Does it make sense to put your husband through hell every day if the OM doesn't work there? What would be the point of tormenting him for no reason if the OM doesn't even work there?

If you need to keep your job and you are putting your husband through hell wondering, then how is it that you don't even "know" if the OM works there??

.... and silence

I don't believe for one minute she doesn't know. She has been spinning it that way to her husband and thinks that BS will fly around here.

You smart cookie, Mel.