If you are serious about saving your M, then understand NC is Step 1 to Recovery. Working with the OM is unacceptable. Dr Harley recommends moving out of state to eliminate risk of contact if necessary.

I am going to call you out on leaving this vital information out of your first post...that you still work with the OM, that you and your H are still triggered and that you know that needs to change.

Instead when this information is routed out, you throw out things like that your posts are being scrutinized, you need to believe in yourself, and other excuses about why this can't happen now and you even tell us you don't understand the point in "discussing" NC when OM is someone you could care less about.



I am sorry but I have to agree with Mel (I think). I suspect you don't want to close the door on ever running into OM at work again.

Yes, you are right, having a FB page is a terrible idea for you.

I would close it and implement ironclad EPs even if your H is not committed to R right now.

Have you changed your email address(es) and phone number(s) that you communicated with OM with?

Can you call the coaching center?

Also if he won't delete Facebook why not have a joint account?

Welcome, Nxt. Question, please: Have you answered all of your husband's questions regarding the affair? Are you still working for the same employer? If so, do you understand the mental cruelty this creates for your husband? You need to leave that job if you want to save your marriage. To refuse to do so is a terrible daily assault to your husband, do you understand that?

I'll bet it would be very easy for you to find out in a weak moment during your recovery. And I'll bet you he absolutely is still working there. This is why you need to leave that job. And that doesn't even address the cruelty of what your husband has to go through every day when you leave for work: "Will today be the day when they 'bump' into each other? Will today be the day the A starts back up?"

This is a no-brainer. Forget "browsing around" for a job. That doesn't work. Sadly, this is a consequence of your adultery. It's unfortunate that, while you were choosing to boink your co-worker, you didn't make financial arrangements for the fallout of your poor choice, so you and your husband would have money to tide you over after the A is done and you've quit your job. That never happens, though.

I re-read my post, and it sounds mean. I don't intend it to. I want to speak very straight to you and not beat around the bush. I want you on a straight path for recovering your marriage.

NG, I'm a really nice person, right? Right?

NXT,
Welcome! I read your story and it sounds a lot like mine. I know that some of the people posting on here can seem harsh but they are the best of the best. They know what they are talking about and are challenging you to take every step and precaution to save your marriage.

I saw that you posted on WPGs post today. No matter how your story turns out, just remember that you are working on you first. Through your actions
Your husband will hopefully see what a marriage should be. I am still a work in progress but wish you the best.

Take in everything you get from this site, the good and the bad. Waywards that truly want to fix themselves and their marriage end up figuring out the the harshness of the pros here is just tough love and every word is worth it.

NT&T, while I'll leave the "employment change" discussion in capable hands, I don't want that to be the only thing you're working on.

You said earlier, We haven't read any yet. Just starting to get our feet wet. I was planning on ordering some this weekend.... he thought I was going to get him to do paper work last night, but I told him that we will have to do that when we have time...

Uhh, ordering Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs are achievable as you read this, on this site. Wait for the weekend?

Time is always the impediment to getting done what should be done. Waiting for big blocks of time is ineffective. Manage the things you want to do into smaller blocks. What do I mean?

Go to the Basic Concepts page, print it out. Make two copies. Tomorrow morning at breakfast, instead of reading the paper together (I don't CARE about Rihanna's baby-bump!) you and your husband review the contents with highlighters, and see how these can be used in your life.

THE key factor in our recovery was our commitment to spend about 20 minutes every day, when my bride returned from work, having a glass of when sitting on the couch. The key words are EVERY DAY!

I will try to answer all of the questions; if I miss something I will try to go back and answer them.

I have acknowledged that my going to work every morning at the same place is a trigger for DH. I see it every morning. I try to reassure him, but I know that my words and assurances ring hollow because of what happened. All I can do right now is to be transparent. He has access to my work email account and I have shown him how to log into my work computer. I also have a GPS tracker on my phone, and possibly on my car. I am the only one with health insurance right now, so it is not possible for me to quit until one of us has a job with benefits. I have begun looking for another place. Whether OM is still at the same place or not, I know that until I am away from this place DH will continue to wonder and worry.

BrainHurts - I found the call center�s number, so know I have a resource there. I find FB a waste of time, and feel DH will find it a waste in the near future as well. I am rarely on it, but that is beside the point. I will bring up the idea of a joint FB page, but don't think I have ever seen one that way so not sure how that would work/look, will have to look into it. If not, I can delete mine again, but want to be able to monitor his and reactivating mine was the only way I could think to do so. I could have him change the email address on his page to another email account I have access to.

Maritalbliss - Yes I have answered all of DHs questions about the A. I resisted at first, but he pointed out that in order to begin to heal he had to know. I deleted the email account, but still have the same phone number. I was not able to block a number on my old phone, but can on my new one. I have asked DH if he wants the number blocked, but he said no (I don�t remember the number, and would have to get it from DH as I think he has it somewhere).

NeverGuessed - It's funny you say that. The day I said I would order the books this weekend, I went home and ordered them because I couldn't justify waiting, so I should have the books by this weekend. I always tell people who say they are going to start a diet after the weekend (or whenever) why wait for then when you can start today. Time to take my own advice. Yesterday I printed out as much stuff as I could find on the website yesterday, which included Basic Concepts. I began reading POJA last night. We have gotten in the habit of not taking the little time we have of just us two and using it for spending time together. I have started to take advantage of those times and use them to just talk about whatever. It has been nice to have that.

To all - I truly want to fix myself and try to put my family back together. I want the good and the bad and the tough love. I don't have any of that in my life (besides from DH) so need it from somewhere. My family doesn't discuss it and friends think it should all be ok by now, which I know is not true as it will always be with us, so thanks to all for what you have said or will say in the future.

But if the OM is not there, then you will have put your husband through holy hell for no reason, right? And if he is not there, you would have no reason to leave your job. So I am not understanding this line of thinking. It is incomprehensible.


You can't be tranparent about contact at work, though. You could be talking to the OM every day in person and on your desk phones. You are free to hook up in quiet, out of the way places.

Is there a reason why you would put your husband through this daily hell if you don't even know if the OM works there, as you claim?

I understand what you are saying as I have heard it from DH. The only reason I am still here right now, as I have said before, is because I am the only one with a steady income. Sure I could quit, have no income, no insurance, and start living off the little savings we have. With the economy the way it is now, it could take months to find a job which means that the savings would go very fast. We are close to living off of it as it is since DH quit work and has a sporatic income. I do not see this as a very wise thing to do, unless you have another idea.

I know what I did was not a wise thing to do, but I did it and am doing the best I can right now.

My objection is not about you working there for the time being, but about my confusion about why you don't know if the OM works there. Does it make sense to put your husband through hell every day if the OM doesn't work there? What would be the point of tormenting him for no reason if the OM doesn't even work there?

If you need to keep your job and you are putting your husband through hell wondering, then how is it that you don't even "know" if the OM works there??

.... and silence

I don't believe for one minute she doesn't know. She has been spinning it that way to her husband and thinks that BS will fly around here.

You smart cookie, Mel.