NT&T, I'm beginning to like your attitude and chances here.

BTW, from your (abridged) story:

Unhappy with your marriage for a number of reasons, and not knowing how to address those with your husband, you turned to another man for your emotional needs. It inevitably turned physical. You and your BH are experiencing recurrent bouts of anger/resentment, and you want to know how to start on a more effective path of marriage recovery.

is just about verbatim with every other WW's story. You needn't spend a whole lot of time reading for confirmation.

I know you read WPG's. I urge you to read DoroM's and FifteenYears' as well.

But, read the anguish in any selection of BH stories, not to beat yourself to a pulp with the raw emotions, but to anticipate what your BH is/will be experiencing as you rebuild what you broke.

NeverGuessed,

Thanks for the suggestions. I will read those ones as well.

I think your name says some of what I have been feeling. I never guessed how much he did love me and I never guessed how much it would hurt him. I have read what some BHs have posted and it has opened my eyes. I have asked DH if he felt whatever I had just read and he confirmed it.

It has helped me in so many ways.

Hi Nxt20and12, welcome to Marriage Builders. Do you still work with the OM?

When someone is truly sorry for their actions, they don't tend to make a laundry list of the wrongdoings of others unless they are blaming that person. Your post is long because it is a citation of your husband's faults. It doesn't sound like you are too sorry to me.

What To Do With an Unfaithful Wife

MelodyLane,

I still work at the same company. I have no idea if the OM does anymore. A while ago a friend, who knows eveything that happened, told me that she had seen him in the hall and he told her he got a new job. Whether that meant at a new company or different department, I have no idea. I could look him up in the directory and find out if he is still here, but have no desire or reason to. I have asked DH if he would like to do that and he has declined.

My getting a new job has been discussed. I browsed around a while ago, but DH is not employed on a steady basis right now, so I felt it would not be wise to switch jobs until he has something. This last weekend, however, I started thinking that part of our problem is that I am still at the same job, as me leaving for work everyday would be a trigger for him, and have started to look for something different again. I have always wanted to work with the company I am at, but realize that I should be thinking of others now, and not myself.

As I mentioned earlier, I made my post long because I wanted to get as much in there as possible. I started thinking about this though last night and started to see it as whining. DS seems to be whining all of the time right now and we are trying to break him of that. I think I may have been the same way and it is time to put my big girl pants on and accept what I did and do something to try to fix it. I didn't meant to make what I posted a list of justifications for my actions, but that is how it came off. I remember not so long ago trying to blame what happened on things that happened in the past so I had typed a "history" of us so I could try to put my thoughts in order. After typing the "history" I realized I didn't have much to complain about and see I was being selfish. It would be interesting to see what DH would write if he were to do the same thing. I am betting it will open my eyes further.

So now I am here trying to fix what I did. I cry quite frequently for what I lost, a DH who trusted me and would do anything for me, and what I may never get back. I plan on fighting hard for that though and am hopeful I will win out.

Ugh, another long post. Sorry.

Last night I was not able to get any questionnaires filled out, but did order the books SAA, HNHN, and LB. Also when we went to bed I made it a point not to be on my phone (which we usually are) and just talked to DH about his day. We don't have much time to ourselves, so I wanted to make the time we did have about us only and not our phones. So I didnt get all of my homework done, but did do some.

Today I printed out the links Pepperband provided so tonights goal is to read through them try to have more time to just us. I almost feel like I shouldn't be at work and home doing all of this now, but DH is working today, so it will have to wait for now.

We do have a part vacation day on Friday so I will be able to get more done then.

You really need to find out and find out NOW because you will have to leave that job if he works there. How is it you don't know this? That does not ring true. Working at the same place as an affair partner makes recovery of the marriage impossible.


And that "as much" just happened to be all bad things about your husband which have absolutely nothing to do with your affair unless the goal is to blame shift. Like I said, when someone is truly remorseful they don't give an exhaustive citation of the wrongs of others.


IT came off that way because it is that way. Wayward wives typically blame their husbands for their affairs because that is how they justify them. And that is what you did in your post.

My suggestion would be to focus on your side of the street and let him fix his side of the street.

And I am trying to understand how it is that you seemingly "don't know" if the OM works at your company. That does not seem realistic.

Nxt, that is always something a WS "discovers". But let me ask - if you KNEW about his love and how much your deeds would hurt him, would it make any difference that time?

The point is somewhere else. You have to eliminate ALL conditions that led to an affair. Thus changing jobs would be your No 1 thing right now. Fixing your poor boundaries around opposite sex would be your No 2 thing. There are a lot of things that you have to do, so you would need a proper plan. NC and how to keep it for life, reading SAA, extraordinary precautions to protect yourself and your BS, etc. Here's an excellent example list - Extraordinary Precautions

I was there where you are right now 3 yrs ago. I started this road with keeping myself busy around my H doing good things. Since you have to avoid lovebusters at all cost anyway it would be a good kick start: initiate little dates first, call him during the day, surprise him with things he loves, make him appreciated, take walks, listen to music, read MB materials together, do family things, take a minibreak, hold hands, play a game together. Next day with some variations, and so on. Your actions will talk more about the remorse that just words after words after words.

Does your son know about your affair? Let him know and apologise.

I work for a large company that has more than one building. I am in a separate walled off section of one of the buildings and do not go outside of my section unless it is to go to the bathroom, to go home at night, or to workout at lunch (which DH joins me for sometimes). I rarely see anyone other than my immediate coworkers.

I recognize that I will need to find another job and have begun looking for one. However this will take time, which I know sounds like an excuse, but with only one income (mine) it is impossible for me to just quit. Because of this situation I have made sure to change my routine up so if OM is still around I would not have a chance to run into him. I leave work either a lot earlier or later then I previously did. I make sure I stay at my desk unless it is to use the bathroom, leave work, or get my lunch. I no longer leave at lunch time, unless it is to meet DH for lunch. I have talked to DH about this situation and he tells me he is OK with it, but I know it still worries him, and I need to change it so it doesn't.

I also understand I need to work on my side of the street and am beginning to do that too. I know I have issues and have had for a long time. I know that the material I now have will help me. I was in counseling before our son was born and learned to deal with just me then. I just forgot the lessons I learned and need them again. I realize now it is a constant process.

I do know I handled things very badly. Instead of getting in counseling to deal with what I was feeling I did someting horrible. DH's IC told him that instead of doing what I did I shouold have gone to Alnon to deal with him being drunk and high all the time. I wish now that I would have done something instead of what I did.

So, you admit you know he works there? You obviously wouldn't be avoiding him and talking about leaving if you didn't know. I don't appreciate the dishonesty one bit. We are not stupid.

I work for a much larger company than yours and it is inconveivable to me that you don't know if the OM works there or not. That is not credible. You managed to meet the OM at work so you are not so isolated that you would never see him. In my company we receive emails constantly that are sent out enmasse, so surely you would have evidence of his presence.

Your H is ok with it because he doesn't understand that you are playing Russian roulette with his life every day. Every day you go to work there is a new trigger. It is like sending the alcoholic into the bar every day and hoping for the best. If you did decide to resume your affair you sure wouldn't be honest about it.


More blameshifting.

You didn't have the affair to "deal with" your husbands drunkeness. You had the affair because you have poor boundaries around men. And unless you tighten up those boundaries, you will have more.

Mrs Recon6mo,

Maybe it would have made a difference, but I will never know. I have asked him why he never told me then what he tells me now and he says he was scared of what I would say. His response basically tells me I had and still have issues that put him off so I need to fix that.

We were doing the dates on a more regualr basis, but have slipped off on that, but I have planned more recently and we will do more going forward. I call or text him throughout the day and ask him about his day instead of talking about mine. We hold hands a lot (we never did even when we first started dating) and I am really enjoying it. We used to walk together, but now they have turned into runs as he has picked up running. I like this since I always did it alone and like having the company so we can comment on the things we see (also he forces me to go faster). His birthday is coming up. In the past I just always let DS draw a picture and we would get a small gift. This year I am trying to come up with something different so he knows I am thinking of him and how much I appreciate him.

Our son knows something happened. He has been told what I did (maybe not in a way that would be recommended) but I think he may be too young at this point to understand what it actually means. I know it will be around with us for the rest of our lives, and know he will one day fully understand what happened.

Can you reorganise your work so that you do it from home during the time you search for another job?

In your answer you recognise the very possibility to see OM - however large the building is. KNOWING that he is close, is not letting yourself to heal and getting your "fix" instead. That way you continue to be foggy.

MelodyLane,

I don't want to play games, however I did say I don't know if he is here and because of that I have changed my behavior. Yes, we get mass emails, however they change it so the it appears to have only been sent to one person which would be me. You don't see what other people are receiving the emails.

I also stated that OM was in the IT department. I have limited interaction with that department when there are computer issues. I have not had any, so have not had to contact them.

I have acknowledged I have poor boundaries and am working on changing that as well.

Mrs Recon6mo,

I work from home as much as possible.

I know everyone reading all of this has seen and heard it all. I also know that anything I say is subject to scrutiny. All I can say is that I am working on healing and there is no way I will do what I did again no matter what.

The only person who I need to believe in me at this point is me.

And people typically don't change their behavior and offer to leave their jobs unless they know the affair partner is there. Of course he is there. And I am sure you have run into him. I see our IT guys about 2 to 3 times a month and their offices are probably about 2 miles to the back of the facility. I couldn't even find them if I tried. But we do run into each other. And obviously you did run into him in the past or you wouldn't have had an affair. Just pointing out that this story is not going to fly here. It might work on your husband, it is not going to stick HERE and I find it insulting.

If you want this to work, you need to get honest with US and with your husband. You do know he works there and that means your husband is in great danger. You might have minimized the risk to your husband but we know the truth.

Does your employer know about your affair? Usually if an employer knows their employees are that reckless, they take steps to transfer one of them. That happened to another couple over on the SAA board.

That is like the alcoholic who goes in the bar every day and SWEARS he will never drink again. A person who is serious stays out of the bar because he recognizes the risk. You don't recognize the risk or you wouldn't be there. Your sincerity is evidenced by your lack of serious action to avoid your adultery partner.

MelodyLane,

As mentioned before, a coworker ran into him months ago and he told her he got a new job. What that means I don't know, but as I have not had computer issues I have not needed to contact them.

My boss knows about it as my H called him on DDay. He felt that it was not something that needed to be communicated to HR unless it continued.

Did your husband go for that?

What, that a friend that my DH talks to (in fact he will see her on Saturday) told me that? Yes he did.

I have stated before that I am here to help my marriage. I know I did something horrible and want to do what I can to recover from that. I don't think that disscussing over and over again if someone I could care less about works at a company does anything to accomplish that.

Nothing I say will convince you otherwise so I'm at a loss of what else to say.

It is not credible in the least that you don't know if the OM works there or not. I suspect you made that up to appease your - naturally - concerned husband. He knows the risk even if you don't.

And it is even more alarming that you don't understand how dangerous working in the same place is to your marriage AND TO your career.

I think you do know he works there and are just playing dumb for the sake of your husband. This way you can con him into thinking you don't see the OM, therefore, you should keep your job.

People who are serious about recovering do not play around like this, they get out of the environment that made them sick. Like I said, an alcoholic who is serious gets his [censored] out of the bar. He doesn't sit there and pretend like he doesn't see the booze under the counter.

What do you gain by pretending you don't know if the OM works there or not? Continued contact?