I am new here. Some of you might recognize me from the SAA board. I don't know how to link that post.

I filed for a divorce today. After months of saying I was not going to be the one to file, I did it. After speaking with my attorney I feel it was the best decision for me and my DS.

WH has been taking money from our accounts since he left and I am afraid that he would eventually clean out the entire account leaving me with nothing to pay the bills with. At least this way I have financial security knowing he HAS to continue to pay the bills. I have also gotten a "kick out" order so he is no longer able to come into the house.

I feel a weird peace about me that I haven't felt in a while. This week was especially rough b/c WH has been trying to contact everyday and being a complete [censored]. Totally NOT respecting the boundaries I had set into place.

I am a little bit in shock that I actually filed. Is that normal? I know it's going to really shock WH when he gets the papers served. They will be served to him Sunday after he brings DS home. I know it's only going to get harder from here b/c WH has done nothing but lie about and hide everything.

A sick part of me is still holding out hope for the man I married to return one day. I know that sounds crazy but I can't help it.

Im sorry things went south for you survivor girl. If you are holding out hope, make sure he has his hat in his hand and a willingness to learn the marriagebuilder concepts. Take care.

Welcome to this corner of the forums, survivergirl (sg). Here is where you can live up to your chosen forum name!

Many of us were in the same place as you: Wanting to recover our marriages, have the one person we most trusted in, confided in, believed in and had faith in to return from their wayward ways our loving and waiting arms.

Sadly, this doesn't always happen. For anyone who believes there is no evil in this world, all they need do is read some of the posts on MB to see that there is indeed, crass and rank evil afoot. And it preys on those who do not have solid boundaries and are rooted in principle.

Dr. Harley's life work has been about living good (not well, though it sounds at first grammatically incorrect -- ponder Apple's "think different" ad campaign of years ago), and of being of strong moral character to ward off evil.

We can hope and pray that our wayward loved ones come to see the light, but at some point we realize it is not in OUR power to make that happen. So we come here to strengthen ourselves -- to make our own lives "good" -- despite what anyone and everyone else seems to do.

I'm sorry you find yourself here, sg. But here you are. Let's make the best of it.

Totally normal.

I asked my husband to move out because he was emotionally abusive to me and the children. After he moved out, he stopped supporting the family and starting openly dating the woman he had been in an emotional affair with. It took me a couple of months to make the decision to file and even after all that I was still shocked that I did it.

Good for you for taking the step that you and your child needed...that's the right way to go. The peace of progress is great, and I hope it will help carry you through any rough patches ahead.

I've been having second, third and fourth thoughts about if I did the right thing. I know I probably did the right thing for us financially bc WH could have taken everything. But WH thinks that since I filed for the D that if he finally made up his mind and wanted to work on our marriage that it is not an option. Which the attorney wrote a letter explaining all this to him that that is not the case, and I have told him that myself. He is just not understanding anything! He called me twice today and was very calm and respectful, I did good that I did no LB or judging statements. We both listened to what the other had to say and responded in a healthy manner. This is probably the first time we have really talked in months. I think this has really shaken him up and he is seeing that he can't have his cake and eat it to. We have mutual friends who have gone through a similar situation and their marriage is back on track now. The FWH from that marriage has been talking to my WH and has told him that it's never to late you always have a choice. WH is very shaken up, hurt and a little bitter about this. I think that is good. At least I know what the heck he's feeling. Hoping this really shakes him to his core and he comes to his senses. I guess only time will tell. I have been releasing it to God multiple times a day and that is helping me. I will keep praying for him that's all I can do. God is in control. Oh, I have forgiven him and her and that has really helped me with the feelings of hurt. I have to choose to forgive everyday (some days are harder than others) but it's a choice I keep making bc by not forgiving I'm only hindering my healing.

Absolutely normal. I filed on my ex and I felt awful and even guilty (and she was the one cheating!)


Not crazy at all. Many of us felt that way during our divorce. Those feelings pass.

Apparently, WH can tell his attorney that he's done with the marriage and has no intention of working on it but he is not man enough to tell me. That just pisses me off. Be a man and tell me you want out! ARGG!! And why would he tell me that he's just back and forth and didn't know what he wanted?! Because now that just sounds like a cop-out to me.
I passed him today on my way to the store as he was coming from her house. I wasn't sure it was him until he called me with a lame excuse to ask me a question he already asked me. Just verified to me that he saw me and was checking to see if I saw him. Which I did, but I didn't say anything to him about it. Then he called again about an hour ago. I didn't answer. There's no reason to talk to him anymore.
If he changes his mind about the marriage he should tell his lawyer.
Sorry I ranted.

Silly, that's what we're here for!

You're supposed to rant here.

SG,

I wish you would prepare your self for the possibility that the WH might come around and want to reconcile. You need a very clear plan on what you need to accept him back! It needs to be well thought out, will include a NC letter that he writes, a transparency plan, access to computers he uses and phones he has, phone records........ and on and on.

The fact that you finally saw your only option was to file should tell you it's time to move on and not look back, you should hold your head high and know you gave the WH every chance in the world to come around. The D route is a hard one and you will have bad days ahead, it is a process that you will survive and end the end will be better for it. I've been D for about 15min now (almost 2 months) and have to say feel immensely relieved to have this behind me!!!!!!!

Everyone's path is different, a difference that we have here at MB is that we have been so dedicated saving the marriage and letting go can be hard for us. Dr H. writes that as we work this process that in the end that if it doesn't work out that because we have continued to try to meet our WS's needs our Love Bank will be empty, at that point if we D we might have some regrets but will have less of them.

For me I have spent the last 2 months with a smile on my face, sooooooooo happy to be moving on, I am aware that I might not always feel this way, but I think even on a down day I'll know it was my only option.

I'm sorry for your bad days ahead , and happy for the good ones to come for you.


SC

Thank you SC. I know there will be bad days and good days. I don't really think that WH will ever come around. And even if he did I'm not so sure I want him back. That is hard for me to even verbalize really, but it's true. He has hurt me so much and lied to me so much I don't know if I could ever trust him.

Right now he is playing the victim bc I was forced to file for protection for me and my DS. He's even used the "Well, you prayed about it and felt lead to file." Um, I told him I didn't go to the attorney with the INTENTION to file that day. But after her advice and his shady dealings with moving money I had to protect us.

I actually feel a wonderful peace and calm, and I know this is coming from God. I have so many people praying for me him and I can totally feel the prayers. I took off my wedding band and I don't feel any conviction anymore. I think God is finally releasing me from this marriage. I'm praying for my future and working on building a new life for me and my son. I'm looking ahead, I'm not looking back anymore.

I know I have a long road ahead and I'm ready for it.

Survivergirl, I say, GOOD FOR YOU!! I'm so excited about your peace...that is exactly what Plan B is supposed to bring, it is about YOU and your mental health. And feeling that way helps you be a better parent.

Thank you for sharing your experience. We have a lot to learn from each other.

Okay, I'm going to chime in.
If you are having ANY second thoughts at all, then you need to go to Plan B.
In fact, it would probably HELP YOU to be in Plan B anyway to prepare for divorce.
Have you read about Plan B?

She is not in Plan B. She wrote that she still speaks to her husband on the phone.

SG,

I know we're all different, and how what you are dealing with emotionally effects you. I was glad to see that you are being honest in your feelings about your WH and whether or not you could take him back. For me at this point I think I would tell my EX that I need a few years to think about it and live my life for awhile, and if she is still serious after that time, we might could open a dialog if I'm still open to it.

I would keep myself busy with a plan, for you now it's how fast can I get this divorce over and protect my child and me through the process. Having a plan and staying on top the process and the lawyers will help you feel better.

No one cares about your divorce except you !!!!! You are in charge of the process and timing, You have to know what's important to you and see that it is protected. So having a understanding of how it's done in your state and what you can expect is important for you. A lot of that research you can do on line.

You Hang in there!!!!


SC

I haven't been able to get on here for a while but thank you for all your encouragement!

We (WH & I) have to both fill out budget forms and he filled his out first so I have a copy of it from the attorney. That SOB took a loan against his 401k!! On top of taking our savings!! At this point I don't know why it surprises me except to say, what does he need all this money for when he says he has no money to pay for his bills now. ARGGG!!!!

I am no longer speaking to him. I have blocked him from calling me. My attorney did tell me I have to leave some form of communication open bc of my DS so I left the texting open. That way if it's not concerning our DS then I don't mess with it. Also she said everything should be documented at this point so I am making sure of that. It's all about protecting my DS and myself at this point.

Our first meeting with the attorneys is on the 20th so keep that in prayer!! Not sure what to expect on that day.

I would worry to much over the debt on the 401k loan...... I bet the judge will give that debt to the WH and the cash that was originally in the account would be split and you would get your part of it, if his is all in the loan then so be it.

SC

I'm so tired of my emotions. I tired of going back and forth with hating my WH then thinking about our real relationship bf all this crap and then missing him. Missing us. ARGG!!! Because when I feel like this I want to reach out to him. But I have stayed strong and have not done anything. I have written things but haven't done anything with them. At least I can say that for myself. When does this stop?! Sometimes I feel like I'm slipping into some kind of depression because of all this. This sucks and I hate it!

It's nights like tonight that I don't like. I felt like a "third wheel". I was at my sisters (we are very close) and they had some mutual friends overs. All married with kids. I was the odd woman out. So I guess I better get use to that bc all my friends are married with kids. Just like I use to be, huh?

I got offered a job this week! Which is a God send bc I am in need of one now that I'm a single mom. WH's spousal support and child support will not pay all our monthly bills while I'm still in the house. Which that will be going up for sale within the next 2 months. I'm getting it all ready to put on the market. And I have to say I was proud of myself earlier this week bc I mowed the yard (WH use to do that) and the weeds were super tall in the back yard! I was excited I got the mower started all by myself! Doing the small everyday things myself make me proud of myself. This time when WH asks who did the yard I can answer it was me.

That is what it's all about--getting yourself empowered. Victories like this are great for making yourself feel better.

Tomorrow is our first court hearing. My attorney was trying to get WH's to do mediation but for some reason he wants to do this the hard way.

WH showed up at the house yesterday afternoon all emotional and weepy. I asked him what he was doing here and all he said what he didn't know what he was doing he doesn't know if he's coming or going. Yeah, that's been the problem, duh. He asked if I was ready for Tuesday and I told him no and asked him if he was ready and he said no. You could see he had so much more to say but he won't say anything. I asked bc I could tell and he just said it was nothing. Well, I hope this is sinking in that this is really going to happen bc tomorrow everything is going to come out before a judge and it's gonna look bad on him. But he wants to do things the hard way and make this messier than it should be. Apparently, it's all coming back to money. He says he doesn't have any, which he's taken our savings and took a loan out plus whatever he's gotten from school. So if anyone has no money, it's me. It always goes back to money with him. He's so caught up in it, it's what he worships.

But I am glad I am not sad or emotional. At least right now. I am praying for extra strength, courage, and wisdom for tomorrow. And I'm gonna look damn good tomorrow so he will see what he's missing. Please keep me in your prayers tomorrow. Hearing is at 1:30 central time.

The judge sure won't like his taking all that money, I can tell you that...

May God give you the strength and courage to continue on this path that you must travel. May He give you the comfort of knowing that HE stands with you. May he instill the judge with the wisdom to make the right decisions in this matter and most of all, I pray that His will be done.
Amen

Thank you for the prayer LostNtime.

We actually didn't go before a judge today. We tried to come to some agreements. After 3.5 hrs that was not happening. WH is being super greedy with the money. He basically doesn't want to give me much. I'm only asking for expenses to pay our bills. Not extreme amounts. Come to find out he makes way more that I knew anyhow! That floored me. As he complains he has no money he has himself a brand new iPhone. So the outcome of the day is we now have to go before a judge and have a hearing. It is set for April 2. This is not smart for him, as he has taken all this money, is still having an affair, has had other inappropriate relationships in the past, and has kept our son at his apartment without my knowledge. He's just digging a bigger hole for himself.

His work was covering his attorney fees but they only cover 20 hours. He has used all that already. So he's about to start having to pay for his own attorney on top on mine. It's gonna get ugly people.

God sure did cover me with his Holy Spirit today though. Love that!

On another note. Last week I had done my "last ditch attempt" to reach out to WH. I sent him a card with a note and some pictures of us in happy times. He should have gotten it before today, but I guess he didn't check his mail. He texted me about an hour ago that he got the card. He thanked me for it and said he just didn't know what to say anymore. I did not respond. Yes I know I should probably not reached out to him like that, but this D is not what I want. I would like this stranger to leave my WH's body so I can get the real H back. Now I realize that is between him and God. God has a plan for me and I am going to trust in that plan whatever it may be.

Do you have evidence of all this money he is spending? The judges won't like that...his spending i mean.

He has to supply any and all bank statements, receipts, and credit card statement for the last 2 yrs. It's all going to come out.

My WH is still in the selfish zone the "me, myself, and I" everything is "mine" phase. When does that end? Gez, it's been 8 months since he came out with the A, but only 4 months since he told me he didn't want to work on the marriage.

He had the nerve to text me today and ask if we could come to some agreements without the attorneys (basically so he won't have to pay his anything). Funny thing is is that we couldn't even reach any agreements WITH the attorneys!

I have been being nice (kind of plan a-ing but not really). Just not being a mean B*tch anymore. I just keep letting go to God and let God deal with him. But he has been nice to me too. At first I thought that was a good sign that maybe he was thinking about not going through with the D, but I know realize it's bc he just wants me to cave into what HE wants me to agree to. Not gonna happen!

Somebody tell me when he will stop thinking about only himself!? Please!!

Don't hold your breath. My divorce has been final for nearly a year and my WXH is only thinking about himself still.

Not sure I can go through with this court hearing on Monday. Not even sure I want to go through with the whole ordeal! WH has done nothing to give me hope, I just don't feel God's peace about this. I have felt this way for a while now, and it just keeps getting stronger. WH wants to talk this weekend to see if we can come to some agreements without wasting money on attorneys. I told my attorney that and she said that would be wise bc it would save me lots of $$$. I need some advise and wise counsel. I want to obey what God is leading me to do and I don't feel like it is going through with the D. HELP!!

Temp orders have been filed and WH is still in the "I don't know what I want" phase. Yes, he is still involved with the OW. I asked him and he actually answered me honestly. His behavior of late has been very strange, like that of someone who is remorseful and such. I am really trying to not get any false hope b/c it really doesn't take much for me to get hopeful. Isn't that sad? But we had a HUGE fight on his mid-week visit with our DS and he apologized to me when he brought DS home and even called to apologize 2 hrs after he brought DS home. That is not like him. But then he unfriended me on FB bc he was "mad at me" He says he can not trust me bc whatever he says goes straight to my lawyer. Not true but oh well. I am trying to re-establish the no contact except via text or email about our DS. I got lax about it bc we were getting along so well and I had hopes. But every time I get a hope he crushes me and it. At least my skin in getting thicker with each crushing.

But since the temp orders are set, I don't want to push to finalize the D and he doesn't want to push either bc he says he "doesn't know what he wants". He says he is living day to day trying to "figure out the crap" I told him as long as he is IN the crap he won't figure anything out. But how long are you able to stay in this temp order place? Our orders are set through the end of the year but what happens then if neither one of us wants to proceed?

I can't believe that in 4 months it will be a yr since he told me about the A. Wow, time flies.

Why don't you get an IM so you don't have to deal with any of his drama?