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#2600035 02/24/12 07:52 PM
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I am new here. Some of you might recognize me from the SAA board. I don't know how to link that post.

I filed for a divorce today. After months of saying I was not going to be the one to file, I did it. After speaking with my attorney I feel it was the best decision for me and my DS.

WH has been taking money from our accounts since he left and I am afraid that he would eventually clean out the entire account leaving me with nothing to pay the bills with. At least this way I have financial security knowing he HAS to continue to pay the bills. I have also gotten a "kick out" order so he is no longer able to come into the house.

I feel a weird peace about me that I haven't felt in a while. This week was especially rough b/c WH has been trying to contact everyday and being a complete ass. Totally NOT respecting the boundaries I had set into place.

I am a little bit in shock that I actually filed. Is that normal? I know it's going to really shock WH when he gets the papers served. They will be served to him Sunday after he brings DS home. I know it's only going to get harder from here b/c WH has done nothing but lie about and hide everything.

A sick part of me is still holding out hope for the man I married to return one day. I know that sounds crazy but I can't help it.


D-day 1- August 2011
D-day 2- October 2011
D-day 3- December 2011
Filed for divorce 2-2012

Married since 7-04
Together since 1-02
1 child-19 months old
survivergirl #2600108 02/25/12 10:22 AM
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Im sorry things went south for you survivor girl. If you are holding out hope, make sure he has his hat in his hand and a willingness to learn the marriagebuilder concepts. Take care.


Me: 44YO FWW: EA IN 2005-2007 EXPOSED MYSELF IN 2006 NC SINCE 2007 WAS MARRIED FOR 18 YEARS
HIM: 47YO EX WH: PA WHILE DATING, CALLING PROSTITUTES WHILE MARRIED, PROBLEMS WITH PORN(CONFESSED ALL THIS IN 2006 WHILE ARGUING)SEX ADDICT
DSX3:13,14, & 15
DDX2: 18 & 11
SEPERATED IN 2007, DIVORCE FINAL 2009. EX WH REMARRIES IN SEPT 2010. I WILL NOT MARRY AGAIN UNLESS THE MAN IS OPEN TO MB CONCEPTS.
LEARNING FROM MY PAST MISTAKES & LOVING MY KIDS
Bostonian67 #2600142 02/25/12 02:06 PM
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Welcome to this corner of the forums, survivergirl (sg). Here is where you can live up to your chosen forum name!

Many of us were in the same place as you: Wanting to recover our marriages, have the one person we most trusted in, confided in, believed in and had faith in to return from their wayward ways our loving and waiting arms.

Sadly, this doesn't always happen. For anyone who believes there is no evil in this world, all they need do is read some of the posts on MB to see that there is indeed, crass and rank evil afoot. And it preys on those who do not have solid boundaries and are rooted in principle.

Dr. Harley's life work has been about living good (not well, though it sounds at first grammatically incorrect -- ponder Apple's "think different" ad campaign of years ago), and of being of strong moral character to ward off evil.

We can hope and pray that our wayward loved ones come to see the light, but at some point we realize it is not in OUR power to make that happen. So we come here to strengthen ourselves -- to make our own lives "good" -- despite what anyone and everyone else seems to do.

I'm sorry you find yourself here, sg. But here you are. Let's make the best of it.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
survivergirl #2600171 02/25/12 03:28 PM
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Originally Posted By: survivergirl


I am a little bit in shock that I actually filed. Is that normal?


Totally normal.

I asked my husband to move out because he was emotionally abusive to me and the children. After he moved out, he stopped supporting the family and starting openly dating the woman he had been in an emotional affair with. It took me a couple of months to make the decision to file and even after all that I was still shocked that I did it.


Me: BS 51
Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy."
Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors.
Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage
Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11
MC told me that he probably has a personality disorder
Kirby #2600351 02/25/12 11:16 PM
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Good for you for taking the step that you and your child needed...that's the right way to go. The peace of progress is great, and I hope it will help carry you through any rough patches ahead.


Me, BS: 35
WxH: 36 "HAM" Hearts a mess
6yo DS (with WxH), 9 and 12yo DDs from first marriage
Discovered DH's affair in June, 2011
"I'm not having an affair, you're crazy." major gaslighting
Served with divorce papers on 2/3/12
Divorce final 7/29/2013
Living day by day, counting my blessings, loving my children
Personal Recovery well underway!
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I've been having second, third and fourth thoughts about if I did the right thing. I know I probably did the right thing for us financially bc WH could have taken everything. But WH thinks that since I filed for the D that if he finally made up his mind and wanted to work on our marriage that it is not an option. Which the attorney wrote a letter explaining all this to him that that is not the case, and I have told him that myself. He is just not understanding anything! He called me twice today and was very calm and respectful, I did good that I did no LB or judging statements. We both listened to what the other had to say and responded in a healthy manner. This is probably the first time we have really talked in months. I think this has really shaken him up and he is seeing that he can't have his cake and eat it to. We have mutual friends who have gone through a similar situation and their marriage is back on track now. The FWH from that marriage has been talking to my WH and has told him that it's never to late you always have a choice. WH is very shaken up, hurt and a little bitter about this. I think that is good. At least I know what the heck he's feeling. Hoping this really shakes him to his core and he comes to his senses. I guess only time will tell. I have been releasing it to God multiple times a day and that is helping me. I will keep praying for him that's all I can do. God is in control. Oh, I have forgiven him and her and that has really helped me with the feelings of hurt. I have to choose to forgive everyday (some days are harder than others) but it's a choice I keep making bc by not forgiving I'm only hindering my healing.


D-day 1- August 2011
D-day 2- October 2011
D-day 3- December 2011
Filed for divorce 2-2012

Married since 7-04
Together since 1-02
1 child-19 months old
survivergirl #2602060 03/02/12 11:20 AM
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Originally Posted By: survivergirl
I am a little bit in shock that I actually filed. Is that normal?


Absolutely normal. I filed on my ex and I felt awful and even guilty (and she was the one cheating!)


Originally Posted By: survivergirl
A sick part of me is still holding out hope for the man I married to return one day. I know that sounds crazy but I can't help it.

Not crazy at all. Many of us felt that way during our divorce. Those feelings pass.

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Apparently, WH can tell his attorney that he's done with the marriage and has no intention of working on it but he is not man enough to tell me. That just pisses me off. Be a man and tell me you want out! ARGG!! And why would he tell me that he's just back and forth and didn't know what he wanted?! Because now that just sounds like a cop-out to me.
I passed him today on my way to the store as he was coming from her house. I wasn't sure it was him until he called me with a lame excuse to ask me a question he already asked me. Just verified to me that he saw me and was checking to see if I saw him. Which I did, but I didn't say anything to him about it. Then he called again about an hour ago. I didn't answer. There's no reason to talk to him anymore.
If he changes his mind about the marriage he should tell his lawyer.
Sorry I ranted.


D-day 1- August 2011
D-day 2- October 2011
D-day 3- December 2011
Filed for divorce 2-2012

Married since 7-04
Together since 1-02
1 child-19 months old
survivergirl #2602258 03/02/12 09:45 PM
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Silly, that's what we're here for! hug

You're supposed to rant here.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
karmasrose #2602319 03/03/12 10:34 AM
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SG,

I wish you would prepare your self for the possibility that the WH might come around and want to reconcile. You need a very clear plan on what you need to accept him back! It needs to be well thought out, will include a NC letter that he writes, a transparency plan, access to computers he uses and phones he has, phone records........ and on and on.

The fact that you finally saw your only option was to file should tell you it's time to move on and not look back, you should hold your head high and know you gave the WH every chance in the world to come around. The D route is a hard one and you will have bad days ahead, it is a process that you will survive and end the end will be better for it. I've been D for about 15min now (almost 2 months) and have to say feel immensely relieved to have this behind me!!!!!!!

Everyone's path is different, a difference that we have here at MB is that we have been so dedicated saving the marriage and letting go can be hard for us. Dr H. writes that as we work this process that in the end that if it doesn't work out that because we have continued to try to meet our WS's needs our Love Bank will be empty, at that point if we D we might have some regrets but will have less of them.

For me I have spent the last 2 months with a smile on my face, sooooooooo happy to be moving on, I am aware that I might not always feel this way, but I think even on a down day I'll know it was my only option.

I'm sorry for your bad days ahead , and happy for the good ones to come for you.


SC


Me BS 54
XWW 51 Divorce final 1/9/12
DS26 DS24 Twin DD's22 Married 29years
D-dates No1 01/2007, No2 08/2008(ongoing)
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Thank you SC. I know there will be bad days and good days. I don't really think that WH will ever come around. And even if he did I'm not so sure I want him back. That is hard for me to even verbalize really, but it's true. He has hurt me so much and lied to me so much I don't know if I could ever trust him.

Right now he is playing the victim bc I was forced to file for protection for me and my DS. He's even used the "Well, you prayed about it and felt lead to file." Um, I told him I didn't go to the attorney with the INTENTION to file that day. But after her advice and his shady dealings with moving money I had to protect us.

I actually feel a wonderful peace and calm, and I know this is coming from God. I have so many people praying for me him and I can totally feel the prayers. I took off my wedding band and I don't feel any conviction anymore. I think God is finally releasing me from this marriage. I'm praying for my future and working on building a new life for me and my son. I'm looking ahead, I'm not looking back anymore.

I know I have a long road ahead and I'm ready for it.


D-day 1- August 2011
D-day 2- October 2011
D-day 3- December 2011
Filed for divorce 2-2012

Married since 7-04
Together since 1-02
1 child-19 months old
survivergirl #2602907 03/06/12 07:33 AM
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Survivergirl, I say, GOOD FOR YOU!! I'm so excited about your peace...that is exactly what Plan B is supposed to bring, it is about YOU and your mental health. And feeling that way helps you be a better parent.

Thank you for sharing your experience. We have a lot to learn from each other.


Me, BS: 35
WxH: 36 "HAM" Hearts a mess
6yo DS (with WxH), 9 and 12yo DDs from first marriage
Discovered DH's affair in June, 2011
"I'm not having an affair, you're crazy." major gaslighting
Served with divorce papers on 2/3/12
Divorce final 7/29/2013
Living day by day, counting my blessings, loving my children
Personal Recovery well underway!
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Okay, I'm going to chime in.
If you are having ANY second thoughts at all, then you need to go to Plan B.
In fact, it would probably HELP YOU to be in Plan B anyway to prepare for divorce.
Have you read about Plan B?

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Originally Posted By: JenniferVoyager
Survivergirl, I say, GOOD FOR YOU!! I'm so excited about your peace...that is exactly what Plan B is supposed to bring, it is about YOU and your mental health. And feeling that way helps you be a better parent.

Thank you for sharing your experience. We have a lot to learn from each other.


She is not in Plan B. She wrote that she still speaks to her husband on the phone.

Jedi_Knight #2603383 03/07/12 01:03 PM
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SG,

I know we're all different, and how what you are dealing with emotionally effects you. I was glad to see that you are being honest in your feelings about your WH and whether or not you could take him back. For me at this point I think I would tell my EX that I need a few years to think about it and live my life for awhile, and if she is still serious after that time, we might could open a dialog if I'm still open to it.

I would keep myself busy with a plan, for you now it's how fast can I get this divorce over and protect my child and me through the process. Having a plan and staying on top the process and the lawyers will help you feel better.

No one cares about your divorce except you !!!!! You are in charge of the process and timing, You have to know what's important to you and see that it is protected. So having a understanding of how it's done in your state and what you can expect is important for you. A lot of that research you can do on line.

You Hang in there!!!!


SC


Me BS 54
XWW 51 Divorce final 1/9/12
DS26 DS24 Twin DD's22 Married 29years
D-dates No1 01/2007, No2 08/2008(ongoing)
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I haven't been able to get on here for a while but thank you for all your encouragement!

We (WH & I) have to both fill out budget forms and he filled his out first so I have a copy of it from the attorney. That SOB took a loan against his 401k!! On top of taking our savings!! At this point I don't know why it surprises me except to say, what does he need all this money for when he says he has no money to pay for his bills now. ARGGG!!!!

I am no longer speaking to him. I have blocked him from calling me. My attorney did tell me I have to leave some form of communication open bc of my DS so I left the texting open. That way if it's not concerning our DS then I don't mess with it. Also she said everything should be documented at this point so I am making sure of that. It's all about protecting my DS and myself at this point.

Our first meeting with the attorneys is on the 20th so keep that in prayer!! Not sure what to expect on that day.


D-day 1- August 2011
D-day 2- October 2011
D-day 3- December 2011
Filed for divorce 2-2012

Married since 7-04
Together since 1-02
1 child-19 months old
survivergirl #2604823 03/12/12 08:50 PM
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I would worry to much over the debt on the 401k loan...... I bet the judge will give that debt to the WH and the cash that was originally in the account would be split and you would get your part of it, if his is all in the loan then so be it.

SC


Me BS 54
XWW 51 Divorce final 1/9/12
DS26 DS24 Twin DD's22 Married 29years
D-dates No1 01/2007, No2 08/2008(ongoing)
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I'm so tired of my emotions. I tired of going back and forth with hating my WH then thinking about our real relationship bf all this crap and then missing him. Missing us. ARGG!!! Because when I feel like this I want to reach out to him. But I have stayed strong and have not done anything. I have written things but haven't done anything with them. At least I can say that for myself. When does this stop?! Sometimes I feel like I'm slipping into some kind of depression because of all this. This sucks and I hate it!


D-day 1- August 2011
D-day 2- October 2011
D-day 3- December 2011
Filed for divorce 2-2012

Married since 7-04
Together since 1-02
1 child-19 months old
survivergirl #2606607 03/16/12 09:52 PM
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It's nights like tonight that I don't like. I felt like a "third wheel". I was at my sisters (we are very close) and they had some mutual friends overs. All married with kids. I was the odd woman out. So I guess I better get use to that bc all my friends are married with kids. Just like I use to be, huh?

I got offered a job this week! Which is a God send bc I am in need of one now that I'm a single mom. WH's spousal support and child support will not pay all our monthly bills while I'm still in the house. Which that will be going up for sale within the next 2 months. I'm getting it all ready to put on the market. And I have to say I was proud of myself earlier this week bc I mowed the yard (WH use to do that) and the weeds were super tall in the back yard! I was excited I got the mower started all by myself! Doing the small everyday things myself make me proud of myself. This time when WH asks who did the yard I can answer it was me.


D-day 1- August 2011
D-day 2- October 2011
D-day 3- December 2011
Filed for divorce 2-2012

Married since 7-04
Together since 1-02
1 child-19 months old
survivergirl #2606628 03/17/12 01:20 AM
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That is what it's all about--getting yourself empowered. Victories like this are great for making yourself feel better.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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