Haven't posted in a long time. Relationship between me and my ex never improved. He is still out to prove to everyone that he had to do what he did.....(had numerous affairs and finally left in 2001). He is rude, mean and derogatory about our whole past life. My oldest daughter is now 28,youngest son just graduated from high school. It has been an emotional rollar coaster having to deal with my ex at all of the family occasions. He moved away..but comes back for graduations, etc.
And yet...yesterday would have been our 32 anniversary. I can't believe how sad it was. Our friends are retiring and traveling, my ex is doing that also w/OW...and I am still working hard.......long time since I have felt this low.

Mim, weren't you here in 2001 when I arrived? I am sorry you are down about your 32nd anniversary, but so glad you are not living in such an abusive environment. Did you get divorced?

Yes, that is me. I have returned to the one place that continues to provide comfort after all this time. Most people tend to think you are over everything by now....Congratulations on your recovery. I wish I was in that spot.

Yesterday hit me hard. It would have been our 32 anniversary and I had to deal with my ex because he hasn't paid his child support this month. Of course, instead of providing a polite response as to why....he attacked saying something like "Today is our anniversary, however the only anniversary I celebrate daily is May 31, 2002 our divorce date...etc. etc. It still hurts, even after all these years.

It is doubly hard because the house is empty, the man I have been dating has deployed for a year, all four of my kids live in different areas of the country, I finished a rough year teaching and I just got a bad mammogram report back...just preliminary tho....
It is hard to watch my ex travel all over the world with his OW (now wife). She has never even had to work. I have 5 more years left of teaching special education...getting tougher every year. I am tired and sad that the life I was supposed to have is gone. Hurts....

MIM,you might want to consider cutting off all contact with him. I cut off ALL contact with my XH [divorced since 1999] and it was one of the best things I did!! I don't feel angry or bitter about him anymore.. It is a Plan B without the letter!

I agree Plan B is heaven sent with an ex especially if they live in another state. You can have an IM so all communication about CS goes through a third party and they filter all the drama out.

I think both of you have great advice. I think part of me still hopes that he will at least be cordial. I should know better. He is always disrespectful and rude....and makes the stupidest comments. It doesn't matter the situation.
I can't win...no matter what is going on, I have made the wrong decision; I don't know anything about college (I have only helped with 4 going to college); I pick the wrong cars....Yesterday he said something like "You must be lonely in that big house with everyone gone. You should focus on exercising...never one of your strong points". Things like that...Ouch...Could be I have been too darn busy raising our kids....anyway, I guess at times, I still look for the man I married, the one who stood beside me at our retirement.I am not sure why it still bothers me.

If you go to Plan B (without the Plan B letter) you won't ever hear his abuse again. You will heal.

IM Training School

Can you find someone to do this?

Actually, I just re-read what I wrote. I do know what is bothering me. My (our old friends and acquaintances) are still in the military. Still living a great life. Many have now retired with retirement homes, their family coming home for celebrations; buying lake homes; traveling as families.....all of the things I have not been able to do. My friends appear to have great supportive families....like we could have had....like we did have, at least in appearances.

Many of the people we work with are now back in command positions...so I still see them. It leaves me feeling hollow inside. I see many of them at the school I teach at, and then of course on base. We were a pretty tight knit group when we started up the squadrons back in '93.

My son looks so much like his father....when graduation pictures went out, I can't tell you how many people remarked about what a great looking guy my son is and how much he looks like my ex. And then of course there is facebook. Bimbo has tried to make friends with many of my friends here....so of course I see all of her "nose pictures"---all over the world. It is constantly thrown in my face. They used to stay across the street from me with some of "our" old good friends. She even went on a girl's trip to Paris with one of them. It is awkward to say the least. My oldest daughter is getting married in Charleston a year from November...I am already dreading what should be a great occasion. It just takes so much out of me to act like it doesn't matter. And I know I should be over this by now....I know that is what people think. And they definitely don't want to hear about...hense...you all are getting an earful. Sometimes, it just gets overwhelming and it hurts.

MIM, I don't see how you could be "over it" if you are continually exposed to crapwit "friends" and other triggers? Any "friend" of yours who befriended the OW is not a real friend. Cut those toxic losers out of your life! Find real friends who care about you and respect marriage. Unfriend and block any person who is crass enough to have friended the OW.

Plan B, MIM! Cut the infidels out of your life. THAT is how you get over it. You don't get over it by keeping all those reminders in your life. And lose the toxic friends. They are not "friends."

I really don't have to interact with him that often anymore....he mostly goes through the kids. However, anytime I do, he is pretty disrespectful. I don't get it....the psychology of the WS....does it ever end. Do they ever face reality....ever? In my case, it doesn't appear so. 3 months ago, he quit paying child support also. He wrote numerous awful emails accusing me of overpaying me,lying...etc. Turns out the State of Florida had stopped his child support because my son turned 18 in Oct even tho he was still a senior. Yesterday he accused me of being a "pathological lier" and then proceded to send me receipts of his child support from Feb, Mar and April. The hatred and disrespect is mindboggling. Sad

Have you all really healed....Is there something wrong with me? I am really having trouble forgiving what he has done to me and the kids. Especially since he doesn't show any compassion or remorse.

It seems that I do ok until I have to interact or see what he is able to do....and then at times....I really get depressed. For the last 10 years I have been so busy...maybe this is just the first time I have really had to go through it???? I hope I am not just losing it!!

Melody,

I try to do that...I did have an IM from 2002-2004 or 2005....then our daughters grew apart, and our friendship kind of fizzled. Next thing I know, bimbo has befriended her on facebook.....I immediately took her off my account. I saw her at school right before the end of school, and somehow the topic came up and she said something like "well you don't think I asked her to be friends?" I didn't even know what to say. She said that she just wanted me to be able to see what they were up to...RIGHT....I have been off her facebook account for at least two years.

Over graduation, they befriended my son's girlfriends mother and her new husband. Evidently, they went over there for dinner right before graduation and then made a point of going there after graduation. That was also on facebook. To my son's girlfriends parents credit, they have no idea what they are dealing with. It is all a show. Kind of embarrassed my son. He wasn't even over there. I should have expected them to do something like that because they immediately befriended his girlfriend and constantly call her when he doesn't return calls, etc. It is amazing. My brother is divorced and he doesn't go through this. He can't believe the situations my ex puts me in or what he says to me. He at least shouldn't be coming to my town anymore now that my son has graduated. Hopefully, it will get better. I am just emotionally tired of everything at the moment. It is hard to be strong and I feel victimized. I hate that.

BrainHurts

IM Training...good posts....thanks!!

Are you reading what you are saying?? "I do ok UNTIL I have to interact or see what he is able to do......"

Stop interacting! Of course you haven't healed. Can you heal when you chronically rip the scab off?

I had to see my XH a year and a half ago after I had not seen him in YEARS and that old sick feeling came right back. The solution? Don't be around him!

See how that works? You are not healing by going around him. Stop doing that.

Hmmm...food for thought. It has been a long two months. My daughter is in the AF in Omaha and I went up to her graduation and had dinner with her friend and her friend's parents who were also stationed with us. That led to last soccer games and track meets where they came to see my son's last high school competitions....then a week later, graduation. Of course, all of this was plastered on great facebook spreads. Hard to avoid since she is "friends" with all four of the kids. For a long time, they wouldn't do that...but that created a stir with their father...so now she has access to all of them.

Last weekend my daughter and boyfriend both deployed...and this time we had my boyfriend's family here....then everyone was gone by Monday. That led up to yesterday's interaction with ex...on my "anniversary".

You're absolutely right...I do much better when I don't have to interact with him at all. Feel better also. Maybe just plain tired.... I think I am going to drop facebook for awhile too...it gets depressing.

Good idea!

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you,

My ex emailed me 3 times today and tried to call me by cell phone....and I deleted him!! It was awesome. I can't believe how much better I felt today...even spent five hours outside working in the yard.

I didn't realize how much I was still being affected by his rants and raves.

THANK YOU!!

Congrats. Keep it up and will only get better. Are you still thinking about an IM?

I thought this might help you.
The use of an IM

Thank you BrainHurts....it was helpful.

How are you doing, MIM?

Please listen to these radio clips on Plan B and how important and IM is.
Radio clip on Plan B and IM
Segment #2
Segment #3

Have you ever attended an AlAnon meeting?
I ask because you describe your ex as an alcoholic.
Dr Harley encourages spouses of alcoholics to join AlAnon.
I myself have benefitted immensely from it.
The problem with alcoholics is that it is a disease and you can bang your head against the wall trying to understand their actions.

MIM,

BTW, by going dark with your ExH you may have started the unraveling of his relationship/affairage with OW.

By allowing him to abuse you for years you have provided him with an outlet for his need to have someone to blame. Now this blame will be focused on OW.

Heck, since your ExH is likely in sexual decline while OW is 38 and hot to trot, help it along by sending OW links to ashleymadison and other assorted hook up sites.

God Bless
Gamma

Not so good...it has been a rough two weeks. I failed to follow all of your good advise....and have been trying to appeal to reason, love, family whatever....I think hoping to get perhaps an apology or some semblance of compassion with the man that I loved and supported throughout his military career and before.

But no chance. All I have gotten was abusive responses from him and an abusive comment with a bill from his OW. And this was all in response to an inquiry as to why his child support has not been paid in June and July.

In addition he flew in and went to the child support office and told them I don't know what....because I got a woman from there calling me with a horrible demeanor...saying that I haven't informed my ex about my son't college plans (he flew in and talked to the coach and visited the campus the day after we went and I had told him we liked it). And to top it off, he was invited to attend a big Change of Command Ceremony where our friends took over the wing command. He of course loves to throw that in my face. It did hurt!! And he knew it would. In addition to that...my daughter has to go back to a doctor visit in CO...and she is in summer school...so can only go for an overnight trip. I can't afford to fly, so she asked him for a buddy and he said no. I wanted to drive, but no time. So her dad was going to take her....but she found out tonight that the OW is taking her...and she hates that...and there is nothing I can do.

I went in for redos on my mammograms and had an ultrasound....the radiologist cked it and said that it was fine and to make sure to get one next year...then this morning...the base called and it was up to me if I wanted to see a surgeon....or I could wait until next year and have another mammogram....so a little worried about that.

And finally...today...I got a weird call from an old pilot friend who was looking for may ex's address so that he could invite him and his wife to a pilot reunion.....amazing....we used to be fairly close...I gave his wife two baby showers.

It is just kind of piling up.....being broke, struggling to help the kids financially, having to work 6 more years, trying to figure out how to pay bills.....it is depressing.

Sorry, it is late...and I just read what I wrote...I am really whining.

I have been working out every day. I am determined to lose some weight. I have been eating really healthily....and for the first time....I am the only one home....and I am starting to relax and kind of enjoy it!!

I have been walking about 4 miles a day...except for today...because my foot really hurts today...bu that is going pretty well. I started out this summer with big ambitions for getting this house in shape...and that hasn't gone quite as well. Sometimes my attitude has been...who cares...no one is going to see it anyway...so at the moment my house is NOT spotless and eventually I will get to organizing some things.

I have been going out with some friends and have been doing some things by myself. I went to the movies by myself the other day...a first, I think. I went to the fireworks by myself after a dinner with friends also.....So the adjustment to having everyone gone has been strange...but not devastating. Just wanted you to know.....i am not totally losing it!

Brainhurts,

Thanks for those links...could easily relate to their message.....he is right on target with his advice...I think he is right also....the romance and admiration was long gone in our ralationship...he concentrated on work and I had the kids, school, work and his squadron support group. We were so busy....and the kids and my life revolved around his schedule and the kids activities....

Dear HDW,
No, I never did go to Al-Anon,

I should have gone years ago...especially when he was really out of control when we lived in Plattsburgh, NY.....he was afraid it would ruin his career. Supposedly, he has quit drinking...but have seen him on Facebook in some pretty wild situations in bars with woman dressed in leather....you get the picture. Seems like he is drinking again. If he is, I don't know how she puts up with him....he is totally irrational when he drinks...and he doesn't know when to stop.

Gamma,

What great advice...you are right....they are united in their bellief that no matter what the situation...I am the cause of everything!!! It is amazing...

They have a huge facebook personna....one of my daughters wondered who they were trying to impress...they acted "worse then love struck teenagers"...all four kids are embarrassed by their pics and statements on Facebook.

Ok...starting tomorrow...I am going to do better in deleting myself from their world. Gosh...it is hard to do!!!

So what is your plan to go into Plan B from your ex?

If you have a plan and follow it you will feel so much better.

My plan is to not look at Facebook stuff, react to only what I have to legally....and go through child support. This past month has proved to me that he is incapable of feeling anything but hate towards me for whatever the reason.....I am tired of dealling with it.

I would block him all together.

On child support, do you go through the state or AG?

MIM, you need to be in Plan B with your ex. Permanently. He is toxic to you.

I go through Family Services for the State of Missouri. They don't do much though. It has been two months since he paid this time.

For some reason that I can't figure out, he pays to the State of Florida, who then pays MO....the problem is that Florida has different child support laws, so they withhold the money. It is always a mess to figure out. At this point, the State of MO has an inquiry in with Florida. That will take another couple of months. It is so stupid.

It is not like he can't pay either...he flies with Delta. He and OW fly all over the world on fantastic vacations all the time. Pretty sad tho for a number of reasons.

It will be difficult to pay college tuition this fall and all the encompanying expenses for the start of school.

Have you suggested fastweb to your college student? It's a website dealing with scholarships. You have to fill lots of stuff out but it can really help.

You have been divorced for 10 years and still crave his approval?
Isn't that called co-dependency?

Your ex is an alcoholic?
Why do you want him to be different?

You can only change yourself.