Marriage Builders®
Posted By: RMW H says put out or get out - 12/11/17 09:19 PM
Melodylane,
To make a long story short, H said if I didn't find a way to "relieve his pressure" he would file by today. I told him a hand job was the best I could do with the way he was treating me. I did that but he was tixkes off two days later because it wasn't what he wanted me to do.

He said either divorce or free counseling. I found some, appt. was set for Wed, last night he was mad & said he wasn't wasting his time w counseling.

He walked out the door just before I started this thread. I don't dare move wrong in front of him.

Financial status - my inheritance got used up during the marriage. I don't even have enough to pay car insurance for 6 mos., my education is limited to massage therapy which didn't get to last long due to multiple back injuries. I have been unable to work since 2009. Work history, very little outside of family farm (which was making my back worse & I didn't realize it).

I filed for disability, turned down, started filing through lawyer - office secretary messed up case & didn't find out until it was too late to so anything about it. No longer have up-to-date MRI, required for filing. Other than what was mentioned above, I was a stay at home mother until my daughter graduated high school.

As much stress as him being around him has caused today, I'll have to wait to finish up later. He's back & in bedroom w me not knowing when he might walk through the door.
RMW
Posted By: indiegirl Re: H says put out or get out - 12/12/17 12:22 AM
RMW, would you consider calling a shelter? He is controlling you financially and using that control to sexually coerce you against your will. It's sexual and financial abuse.

The shelters I have worked with are very familiar with this type of man. I would just call them up and ask for their advice generally.

He is so contemptuous of you that you really need an escape plan.
Posted By: RMW Re: H says put out or get out - 12/12/17 03:06 AM
Thanks indiegirl,

I knew there was something to call it, but I've never been treated like this by anyone else, so I didn't really know what to call it.

I'm trying to pull what resources I can find together. The house of Ruth that everyone recommends here isn't much help.
Prayerfully I'll get some rest tonight.
RMW
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: H says put out or get out - 12/12/17 03:23 PM
RMW, I would strongly suggest you stop having sex with him. That is disgusting and will make the situation worse. That is no way to treat a woman and you shouldn't accommodate him.

What kind of jobs can you do? I know many women who started in low skilled jobs at Walmart and worked their way up the ranks. Walmart has a real good training program and i know women there who are in management positions making really good salaries. They worked very hard and were rewarded for it.
Posted By: RMW Re: H says put out or get out - 12/12/17 05:49 PM
I did stop having sex with him. He can't seem to get it through his head that he can't just meet my needs long enough to get me in the sack one time & then quit & expect everything to be fine and me do it again over & over. He said he was tired of playing by my rules to get sex. And I told him I wasn't trying to make him play by any rules, that if he wanted me to want sex we had to be close. He's not good at that & doesn't like Harley's program because he would have to change the way he behaves. So actually, it's Harley's plan he doesn't like living by. He was abused & neglected growing up just like I was. The big difference is, I turned to look for answers & growing, he went a different route. He's a good con artist when he wants to be, he proves it daily with other people.

As for Wal-Mart, I've worked there before, for a couple of months, when I was married 14years ago. Ex was assistant manager at another store. My back won't hold up for the jobs they have, I know from experience. Guess I should have thought about that before I trained for massage therapy. Bad mistake.

Right now my neck is hurting bad enough it's starting to give me a headache (whiplash from one of the accidents I was in). I'm going to have to get off of here for now & tend to that & then maybe I can get more done around the house & get back here tonight while H is at work.
RMW
Posted By: indiegirl Re: H says put out or get out - 12/12/17 05:55 PM
How bout these?

In the U.S., call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
Canada: National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-363-9010.
Australia: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1800 200 526.

I would ask what kind of free legal advice they can point you towards since your inheritance was spent within a financially abusive marriage. You never know.

What resources are you looking into/can you gather?
Any friends/family you can stay with? (I think I would actually prefer you weren't alone if possible)

Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
.

What kind of jobs can you do? I know many women who started in low skilled jobs at Walmart and worked their way up the ranks. Walmart has a real good training program and i know women there who are in management positions making really good salaries. They worked very hard and were rewarded for it.


This is an awesome idea. What about contacting a temping agency or call centre to ask when they're hiring? People are always looking for trustworthy home helps ,house sitters, petsitters or babysitters too. If there's a local church you think you can trust, go to them with this issue and ask if they will help you find work within their network.

Originally Posted By: RMW

I don't dare move wrong in front of him.



This coupled with your blind obedience of him has me somewhat worried. What kinds of behaviours has you spooked? Angry outbursts, throwing stuff?
Posted By: indiegirl Re: H says put out or get out - 12/12/17 06:08 PM
Originally Posted By: RMW
I did stop having sex with him. He can't seem to get it through his head that he can't just meet my needs long enough to get me in the sack one time & then quit & expect everything to be fine and me do it again over & over. He said he was tired of playing by my rules to get sex. And I told him I wasn't trying to make him play by any rules, that if he wanted me to want sex we had to be close.


I would stop debating this with him. He sees you as a sexual vending machine and is absolutely amazed when you express opinions and feelings. He must feel like one of your simplest appliances has come to life. He is only willing to deal out simple tokens to you. You're talking Swahili when you try to go deeper.

In fact, he is the simple one here. You'd have a more intelligent discussion with the neighbourhood dog. I'd save my breath and change the subject.

He really has me disgusted that he is forcing himself on you.
Posted By: RMW Re: H says put out or get out - 12/12/17 10:19 PM
Just his mouth so far. I don't believe he will let it go past that or filing for divorce. He is too much at stake to lose if I had to press charges for anything physical. He's more caught up in his work & what he plans to buy once he pays off his loans. As little as he had, I had no idea he was such a materialistic man until just listening to him today. I know he's addicted to his motorcycle, but I thought that just went back to when he was a biker.

He hasn't said anything derogatory today. He was just looking through a paper he got in the mail & said if a particular bedroom suite went on sale like that one next year, he was going to buy it.
Posted By: RMW Re: H says put out or get out - 12/12/17 10:24 PM
He found out last night that it wouldn't work. If he were to try & "force" it, I would put some serious marks on his body, then have him arrested. He knows I won't hesitate to call the cops because when he made his remark & then left the trailer, I did call the cops. They told me that he couldn't have me put out because I was on the lease, but if he were to try anything call them back. Thankfully they're only a short distance from the trailer court we live in.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: H says put out or get out - 12/13/17 10:50 PM
Originally Posted By: RMW
Just his mouth so far. I don't believe he will let it go past that or filing for divorce. He is too much at stake to lose if I had to press charges for anything physical.



And they say chivalry is dead. Be careful anyway. Contempt always pings my safety radar.

Qs:
1. Can you get legal advice?
2. Can you sock away some funds secretly?
3. What work if any could you handle?
Posted By: RMW Re: H says put out or get out - 12/14/17 12:41 AM
I was referred to a good divorce lawyer who supposedly gives the first visit free, thankfully.

I don't know about being able to hide money. I'll have to check out the vocational rehab center, about 29 miles from where I live & see what they can do to help me
Posted By: OnTheFence608 Re: H says put out or get out - 12/14/17 03:16 PM
RMW - please, please, please do all you can to get free of this situation. PLEASE listen to MelodyLane and the others.

I was almost out and allowed myself to be manipulated back in. I don't want to see you go through the same thing. I also saw my very substantial inheritance used up in the marriage. Still, I had found a way to afford to break free. I made a choice and now I'm still in the house, compounding bad choice with bad choice. All because I didn't listen to the people here and act when I should have.

Ultimatums, by their nature are not caring, loving statements. They are demands as you have seen. You are dealing with consequences for refusing.

Just, please, please listen to the great advice here. Reach out to a church, even if you're not a member there. Call the therapist and/or the lawyer and ask them if they know about resources in your area. Keep asking until someone thinks of something to help you get out of there. You'll be able to think much more clearly once that happens.
Posted By: RMW Re: H says put out or get out - 12/15/17 08:13 PM
Thanks for sharing Onthefence608, I'm still asking & have been reading on my cptsd & have some major breakthroughs in realizing & becoming stronger in my weak points. I still have lots to do, lots of asking for help...and it's so hard because growing up, I was punished if I did ask for help...put down & made to think I was worthless.

But I haven't given up or in. I've learned enough to know that just because he makes a promise doesn't mean it's worth anything, and that doesn't come from a point of anger...just truth.

Thanks everyone...keep rooting for me, I have a LOT of BIG steps to make.
RMW
Posted By: RMW Re: H says put out or get out - 12/19/17 06:43 PM
Well I made it to Wiregrass 211 yesterday. Told H I was going for counseling, didn't say what kind though. Counseling to gather resources. After leaving their office I went to Alabama Career Center because the lady in the 211 office thought they were having a job fair. Well as it turned out, the job fair was only for kindergarten teachers so that left me out. But I updated my info & one of the workers gave me a way to check & see what fields would be good for me to go into in which areas as far as school goes plus the info to get,on their website. So far none of the jobs seem promising, but it was only one day's looking. I'm struggling to stay out of depression.
RMW
Posted By: indiegirl Re: H says put out or get out - 12/19/17 10:15 PM
Well I think this is a heroic update.
Posted By: RMW Re: H says put out or get out - 12/20/17 06:22 AM
Thank you Indiegirl. I'm hanging on like I'm in a hurricane.
RMW
Posted By: RMW Re: H says put out or get out - 12/20/17 04:03 PM
Well, he came back with his threats again. Put out or I'm divorcing you & not paying anything on your bills.
Even though I paid his when he wasn't doing for me. Prayers please!!
RMW
Posted By: Sunnytimes Re: H says put out or get out - 12/20/17 04:31 PM
Having been in a situation where my xH frequently threatened to leave me (as a method of control), if there is something I could do over in my life I would have taken him up on his first offer.

If I were you, I'd call his bluff and take him up on his offer of divorce. Then cake-eat until he finally files. (well, maybe that last sentence is not MB advice.)

Let him see that you will no longer cower in fear to his threats; that his threats will not control you.
Posted By: markos Re: H says put out or get out - 12/20/17 04:33 PM
Originally Posted By: Sunnytimes
Having been in a situation where my xH frequently threatened to leave me (as a method of control), if there is something I could do over in my life I would have taken him up on his first offer.

If I were you, I'd call his bluff and take him up on his offer of divorce. Then cake-eat until he finally files. (well, maybe that last sentence is not MB advice.)

Let him see that you will no longer cower in fear to his threats; that his threats will not control you.





This is very good advice. Show him the door and ask how soon he can be packed.
Posted By: RMW Re: H says put out or get out - 12/21/17 12:40 AM
The only problem with any of it is finding a job my back can handle. I'm going online & asking around. That plus I'm the one that will have to leave. The lease is in his name, I'm just on it. But I have been packing everything I possibly could & moving it out slowly enough for it not to be missed. So far he's only mentioned one knife..& it was mine before we got together so I just ignored him. So far my trunk is jam packed & my hairdresser has let me use an empty closet to store some of it. I do want out. I just need prayers for God's favor in getting a job I can do that pays enough to fully support myself, and a place to live that's affordable. I have an anxiety disorder & I am shaking at rhe thought of not being able to pay my bills. I have decided, Lord willing, that if he goes ahead & files, I will have our vehicles separated on insurance. USAA told me that the money he paid on his truck would stay in my account, not with his truck. It's all scary business to me.

Getting ready to take clothes up to the dryer along with another basket of my things. That way his snooping watcher of all I do can't catch on to that.

Prayers for God's favor & wisdom & courage to keep moving forward with this.
RMW
Posted By: indiegirl Re: H says put out or get out - 12/21/17 07:45 AM
RM, I have never seen a anyone with a plan this detailed go very far wrong.

The Art of War: "Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt"

You are prepared, you are subtle, you acknowledge the seriousness of the situation and plan for it. You seek an actual resolution and have an actual end game Your H? Obvious plan, only has one trick up his sleeve, seeks an unreasonable on going repetition of the status quo without considering any of the problems.

It's a big problem you have, but your anxiety is far from the crippling kind. It's the kind that is making you serious, subtle and unpredictable.
Posted By: Elaina7 Re: H says put out or get out - 12/22/17 06:37 AM
Originally Posted By: RMW
The only problem with any of it is finding a job my back can handle. I'm going online & asking around. That plus I'm the one that will have to leave. The lease is in his name, I'm just on it. But I have been packing everything I possibly could & moving it out slowly enough for it not to be missed. So far he's only mentioned one knife..& it was mine before we got together so I just ignored him. So far my trunk is jam packed & my hairdresser has let me use an empty closet to store some of it. I do want out. I just need prayers for God's favor in getting a job I can do that pays enough to fully support myself, and a place to live that's affordable. I have an anxiety disorder & I am shaking at rhe thought of not being able to pay my bills. I have decided, Lord willing, that if he goes ahead & files, I will have our vehicles separated on insurance. USAA told me that the money he paid on his truck would stay in my account, not with his truck. It's all scary business to me.

Getting ready to take clothes up to the dryer along with another basket of my things. That way his snooping watcher of all I do can't catch on to that.

Prayers for God's favor & wisdom & courage to keep moving forward with this.
RMW


Im glad to see you making plans... may I ask-
Where are your grown children?
My kids would never let me sit in a situation like this if they could so I am just curious. Are they still to young to really help?

Try call centers. I just helped a lady get a job there who has medical issues and it has been great for her.
Also go ahead to the temporary agencies... In my younger years I ended up getting many permanent job offers this way plus work in the mean time even if one company didn't work out. They generally have different kinds of jobs as well so you could see if it was a good fit for you or not.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: H says put out or get out - 12/25/17 12:21 AM
Merry Christmas RMW. santa002
Posted By: RMW Re: H says put out or get out - 12/25/17 02:43 AM
Thank you indiegirl, Merry Christmas to you too! santa002 and a Happy New Year! happynewyr
H went to the lawyer Friday to discuss divorce and Paul actually had a long talk with him about some things (that he shared when he got back) & believe it or not, it had a lot to do with some of the things I've been trying to tell him for years. He's actually "beginning" to look at some situations differently...my feelings are being included in things for a first time. We're not "out of the woods" yet, but at least there is a trail to follow now.
Plus, I got a book on Windows 10 for dummies to teach me how to run this blasted computer that I bought for him 2 years ago. If I can get thru it, with Ben's help (computer guru, kid next door) then it will make getting a job a whole lot easier. So while we are working on the relationship, I'm still working on becoming financially self-supporting. That way, if he starts up again, it won't put the same strain on me it has this time.
Paul (the lawyer - I've known him since 1989 when he handled my divorce from a serial cheater H) has been married for 58 years to his wife & was telling H about some things that did & didn't work. Only time, persistence, & consistency will tell what will work. I'm actually not having to work on anything except opening up more when something hurts. That & keeping from slipping back into a "flashback" way of living in spite of the flashbacks that keep coming up.
That & keeping a grip on my tongue like Dr. Harley said, speaking only from a positive perspective when explaining things to him. I have to think hard sometimes on how to break it down so simple & in a way he can understand.

Thank you all for your support! And I will let you know how things go... weightlifter

RMW
Posted By: RMW Re: H says put out or get out - 12/26/17 05:37 PM
One bad note: H still doesn't agree with the POJA if it's a "no, I'm not enthusiastic about that" & he has to respect my no -- only for when he says no to something I want. So, I don't know what it would take for him to get there, if ever...and if not then it will never work because I'm sick of having to give up everything I want just so he can have everything he wants - which he is already doing again since he said we'd work on things.
At least I can use the time for skill building to be able to get a job that I can support myself with.
Right now, that fact is,the only thing keeping me in gear to keep things going on as positive a note as possible. The last 24 hours have been very hard to fight my resentment...to the point that I have had a headache since last night around 10:30 that I couldn't shake. Thankfully, right now I have clothes to wash while he sleeps so I can get some rest in the L.R. until he gets back up and then thankfully he has to work tonight!!! Prayers for strength & endurance through this mess until I can support myself & tell him flat out that I refuse to be treated this way anymore.
RMW
Posted By: Candy_Crusher Re: H says put out or get out - 12/26/17 09:12 PM
RMW, I went through all your updates. You have gone through a lot this past couple of weeks!

I'm very glad to hear that you are making plans and progress towards getting a job to support yourself. Financial independence does not ease the heartache from the broken relationship but definitely lessens your fear and anxiety about your future. Someone has also asked, but do you have grown kids with whom you may be able to stay for a few months before you settle? You mentioned you have a sister - are you close enough to ask for a temporary housing help?

In my state, there are plenty of lawyers who offer free initial consultation. I had talked to several of them before I finally picked out one when I was going through divorce. I had researched a lot so that I did not have to waste the 'free' time on questions I could find answers to myself and came up with pretty extensive list of hard questions. I asked several attorneys some of the same questions to get different perspectives, to better prepare myself. I would think you can also find more lawyers who are willing to give you free consultation in your state. Please take advantage of that and educate yourself as to what your rights are. You said you had spent the money you inherited during your marriage to your H... do you have any receipts or records to prove this? If you can prove that it was your premarital asset and/or it was inheritance from your family members, you should be able to take that out when dividing the assets. Please check this out to see if it applies to you in your state.

You can get through this, please be safe. Hugs.
Posted By: RMW Re: H says put out or get out - 12/26/17 10:48 PM
Candycrusher,
I have been doing extensive research on the laws here in Alabama and come to find some of them quite irritating. It's not a 50/50 state where it all gets divided up equally. And my inheritance would have been considered mine unless it was used to buy something for the home/marriage. At that time, it was no longer considered mine, but ours. So that kind of ticks me off... But, I have gathered all records of my credit card from the time I opened the account & am having the credit union send me records of every transaction from my savings account, which is where I deposited the money. The one thing taken into consideration is how much each party has contributed to the relationship and what should be returned. So that was a positive note. In the end, it all boils down to who knows who & can pay off the judge in charge if it were brought to court. I already know Paul "has connections" as he put it. And I also have a recording of our entire conversation where George told me that Paul told him about paying off whomever was needed to be paid off to get the results they wanted. hurray That is to my advantage when it comes time, because I can contest the judge if he were to rule in H's favor & have the audio as a way to contest what Paul told him he could achieve. H has no idea that I have all of these audio recordings on my phone. But one thing I've learned in the past couple of years is to fight fire with fire!!
That is one reason I need to get out of here asap; that way he can't claim he spent any great amount supporting me while I made it to the point where I can support myself.

Right now, I'm having to take it one day at a time and turn to God for providing me with what I "need" in life, regardless of what happens. Whether it's a lesson I need to learn or financial aid...
I thought it was over until H came to talk to me on Saturday. I thought I would end up in a homeless shelter & not be able to get any of my belongings. Now H is in the mode for the counselor, but I don't even know what to expect out of the counselor myself, so I don't know if it will be any help or not - or even harm. But H wanted to wait until the holidays were over to schedule an appt. So... I'm not wasting any of my time, I'll be working on computers, with my books & a computer guru kid that lives with my friend Joanie. The kid came over when I couldn't get it to print, cordless & I let him know about the Bluetooth feature on it...and without ever having touched the computer before, he had it reset, up & running/printing in about 10 minutes. Joanie told me anything I didn't understand or have questions about, that Ben wouldn't mind coaching me. He's only about 9 yrs older than my oldest grandchild, so it feels kind of weird, but I'm willing to ask for help where I need it.
Carmen is the best lawyer in the area under Paul, so she's the one I would be going to for help.

I already have a closet stuffed slam full of personal stuff (out of my car) at my hairdresser's house. I've been checking on prices of everything from phone service, rent, singles rate on insurance, cost of anything I might have to replace, etc.

Now it's just keep my butt in gear and get out into the work field...regardless of whether the marriage works or not. It stands a better chance if I have the power to say NO.

Thanks for your encouragement, sometimes that is exactly what I need. Hugs back to you smile

RMW
Posted By: goody2shoes Re: H says put out or get out - 12/26/17 11:24 PM
Save a copy of the sound files.
Posted By: RMW Re: H says put out or get out - 12/27/17 01:21 AM
Guess I would need to get an SD card for my phone to do that. Have it on file, but if something happened to my phone, I wouldn't have it anymore.

Thanks for the tip!
Posted By: indiegirl Re: H says put out or get out - 12/27/17 03:30 PM
Yeah I'm dubious too because he doesn't treat you like a human person. He acts like the marriage is for his benefit and you are some sort of accessory to the marriage. How can it work if he doesn't care if you are enduring sex you don't want or decisions you haven't okayed? His go to conversation is to threaten you.

Honestly I think if you got him one of those ultra realistic sex dolls, always smiling, no complaints he would be totally fulfilled.

I would guess he is only making noises about a counsellor to get you to back down. He is doing juuuuuuust enough to keep you put. I wouldn't let him waste that money ahead of a divorce. Especially since the average counsellor sucks. If you really want him to try, give him Steve Harleys number. If you just want to appear happy about him trying, give him an MB book (or audiobook) and tell him that following the plans as laid out is enough to keep you home (for now)
Posted By: Elaina7 Re: H says put out or get out - 12/29/17 12:19 AM
Again RMW,
Where are your grown children?

They would let you go to a homeless shelter?

I don't understand what happened to them.
Posted By: RMW Re: H says put out or get out - 12/29/17 03:55 AM
My grown children are not a part of this and I have no intention of bringing them into it. They have been through enough and lives of their own to balance. If you knew the details you might understand, but I feel no need to explain them.
Thank you anyway
Posted By: indiegirl Re: H says put out or get out - 12/31/17 08:00 PM
Happy New year RM. I have not a doubt you can make a good one.
Posted By: RMW Re: H says put out or get out - 12/31/17 08:35 PM
Thank you indiegirl. It's nice to hear an encouraging word such as yours to help me make it through this nightmare and not give up! Hopefully this evening I'll be up to pulling out my study books & work towards my goal of getting the h*** out from under this narcissistic man.
Happy New Year to you too!!
RMW
Posted By: Candy_Crusher Re: H says put out or get out - 01/01/18 07:49 PM
Happy New Year RMW!!!
Posted By: RMW Re: H says put out or get out - 01/01/18 10:50 PM
Happy New Year CandyCrusher!!

Please let me know how things are going for you

RMW
Posted By: RMW Re: H says put out or get out - 01/09/18 01:04 AM
Well, I finally made it to see my counselor this morning. We discussed things and she gave me the number for the vocational rehab services in a town nearby. Plus the number for state legal aid.
Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to get in touch with the rehab services and set up an appointment, trying to get started on training for something so that I can support myself. I'm just having to take things one day (moment sometimes) at a time.

More later when I learn more myself.
RMW

P.S. Candycrusher, if you read any of this, would you mind letting me know how you are doing? Hugs...
Posted By: indiegirl Re: H says put out or get out - 01/09/18 03:31 PM
This is fabulous news
Posted By: RMW Re: H says put out or get out - 01/10/18 07:53 AM
Wow! I wish I could see things that way. May be God's way of keeping me humble. Paul in the Bible endured much more from what I have read. My only wish, now that I have been to my 1st counseling session is that the vocational rehab center will help not only guide me, but also encourage me to follow the path that would be most fulfilling & financially profitable.

Since my last text, the Lord has given me much favor in going through old possessions & what I want to take with me , & what I can leave behind and the opportunity to sort through them in real life & divide them where a man pays no attention to a woman's wants or needs. He thinks he does, but God's Grace is all that pulls me through day after day.
RMW
Posted By: indiegirl Re: H says put out or get out - 01/10/18 09:13 PM
I think you are crazy tough. Every post you make is a plan in action. What does RMW mean by the way?
Posted By: RMW Re: H says put out or get out - 01/12/18 12:52 AM
Hi indiegirl,

I don't feel tough. In fact today after small group meeting, I was scared to the point that it was even hard to talk to the group leader/my counselor, about directions to the vocational rehab building - the two places just happen to be in the same town about 35 miles from where I live. I couldn't come out with a complete sentence. I felt like a small child asking for help and not knowing how to word it. And then once I got to the center, I had to sit in my car, breathe deep and pray before I was even able to walk in. Everything felt awkward and out of balance as I approached the desk. Thankfully she was understanding & kind and helped me through my rough spots. But I did get the paperwork filled out & have an appointment for the 1st of February. Now I'm stuck with the fact that H wants me to go back and lie about my address so he can keep up a lie that has pushed me away from him for years. I need strength to be able to deal with him and figure out "how" to deal with him. Judging from what I'm used to out of him, I expect him to ride me until he thinks everything is safe with his past/present lies. That is one thing I cannot stand about him. It doesn't bother him to lie to get what he wants. Other than his abuse & controlling personality. I'm trying just to figure out a way to relax for the evening, knowing he will be to deal with again tomorrow.

My counselor said Monday, that basically I am in "survival mode" right now. Which does not help my anxiety disorder - that is probably why I'm losing so much weight. I've dropped from 142lbs on the 1st of Dec to 134lbs now...and my energy level is high due to the stress. It takes a lot of hard work to make sure I eat enough to stay healthy & take extra magnesium & cod liver oil to provide my body with what it takes to keep me functioning. I am in no way unhappy with the thought of being without him, and no man has crossed my mind. Just surviving him until I can survive without having to live under the same roof.

As for RMW...it's simply what my initials were at the time I went to a MARRIAGE BUILDERS seminar back in 2003 when I became a member of the follow-up weekend group. Even though my initials have changed, they stayed the same on the board.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: H says put out or get out - 01/12/18 07:48 PM
It's the people who ignore how they feel and go forward anyway who are the toughest people of all.
Posted By: RMW Re: H says put out or get out - 01/13/18 05:47 AM
Thanks indiegirl. Hopefully after enough of the "tough" gets practiced, I can learn to connect with people around here in a more "balanced" way. pray
Posted By: RMW Re: H says put out or get out - 01/15/18 04:06 PM
Found an X Vidios on H's phone last night while he was out talking to one of his friends. Took pics of the app, opened it up and got a full shot of the description inside & pics of the videos offered. He can't argue that it wasn't there. Guess him getting angry about me finding the dvds didn't shake him. He doesn't know about the pics I took of them & the content of them to go along with everything else.
Keeping & don't allow my phone to be subject to his opening. If I'm out of the room he is in, w my phone, it isn't long enough for him to go through it.

Thought it was kind of funny that last night after finding the app, when the page it was on popped up during working on phone w a Samsung representative, he struggled to get the page out of view as,quickly as,possible by whatever means possible, and then couldn't understand what the rep was,telling him to do to the phone. He never took his phone out to blow the lot before even though he always left it away from me. Today he made,sure he kept it in his pocket while blowing the lot... grin
Posted By: goody2shoes Re: H says put out or get out - 01/15/18 05:17 PM
Asking again, do you have access to cloud storage to save this and other evidence? You can also mail evidence to a secure e-mail account.
Posted By: RMW Re: H says put out or get out - 01/15/18 11:12 PM
On yes. It's already backed up in cloud. Guess I'd have to build another gmail to be able to send it to one of those. My phone is the only thing I have access to. I'll look into that. Thanks!
Posted By: Candy_Crusher Re: H says put out or get out - 02/12/18 09:28 PM
Hi RMW, after almost two months, I logged in and saw your reply to my thread. Hope all is well with you.
Posted By: RMW Re: H says put out or get out - 05/12/19 07:38 PM
Hi Candy_Crusher,

Are you still out there? I haven't been on here for quite some time, but I've wondered about you lots. Can't say I've made the progress I would have liked to see, other than learning to hold onto myself as a person regardless of other's behavior. I'm about to get up with my oldest brother to see how much he knows about a couple of things and get back to planning that ended up on halt last year with lots of my stuff in storage at my son's house. I had to go back & get some of it because I couldn't wear much of what I had. The halt came when H ended up in the hospital with a heart attack...repeated by two more (from his drinking) and then finding out he is diabetic & to top it off, him filing for bankruptcy. Thankfully my name isn't on anything that has to do with his credit, so mine is still up in the 700's range.
Reading back over all I've been through (my memory isn't what it used to be), and finding porn movies earlier in the week, plus his threat of divorce again in January when I was away, waiting for my uncle to pass - it all seems to look like a repeat pattern, regardless of anything else.
Hopefully, I can get my body back in better shape and keep my mind calm enough to keep things rolling.
At least I have used the time in a way to become less emotionally dependent on him and his behavior doesn't affect me the way it used to. If he died today from not taking care of himself, my only issue is making enough money to keep an entire household going on my own.
Just have to stay focused and learn to listen to the facts happening around me rather than believing God will change him if I stay faithful in my prayers.
Definitely don't want to leave enough time for him to be able to throw things back at me. And now, he has charge over every single dime that comes in. Not a healthy environment for sure, even if it is what I learned to expect while I was growing up.
Still lots to learn about healthy relationships - don't trust anyone in my family on that one for sure! I've learned to control my seizures w/o meds only since I've been away from them for so long.
Ugh......lots to think through with less emotion pushing me.

RMW
Posted By: nebulae Re: H says put out or get out - 01/21/20 03:18 AM
How are you now? I wish you have a happier life.
Posted By: RMW Re: H says put out or get out - 02/10/20 12:49 PM
Hi nebulae,
I finally left about a week and a half ago - for good this time. I've managed to get as much of my stuff as possible
It's in storage at a female friend's house.
I'm living in my brother's house right now. His wife passed away two years ago, so there is no problem with my being here so far. It's a little crowded with him letting others store things here & not being able to pull my clothes out other than three sweatsuits I have, at least for now. But thankfully, I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in rather than being on the street.
I'm still recovering from a wreck I was in on Dec 4, they said it could take 8 to 12 weeks for my 27 fractures to heal. Most of them were in my right hip, my tailbone, and my face. I had to have surgery on my face & three metal plates put in to keep my bones together around my left eye.
I'm under lots of stress and anxiety is a real big factor due to financial situations...no money coming in & only 1100 left in the bank. I've finally made it to where i can walk without a walker, & most of the time without a limp.
I'm tired lots of the time due to recovery & stress of figuring out just what to do from day to day trying to improve my life. Unless God sends some miracle money, the stress will just keep getting worse. The landlord said she would write the check out to me & just put his name on the bottom somewhere, but until it shows up at the address in the box, I can't just "count on that". Although it would help tremendously. At least my brother said he would pay the deductible for a gash to be fixed on my vehicle - but I still have to get rid of it as soon as possible, because I don't have the money to keep up the payments. Prayerfully it will sell before the end of the month & I can get enough money out of it to buy an older car, & pay for it outright rather than making payments. I'm looking into all the resources my counselor has given me to help with food & medical/dental care for free since I have no income yet.
I'm just trying to keep my mind as clear as possible & figure out each day what i need to do to improve my life. I'm trying to figure out what I want to do as a career that my body & mind will hold up under. Hopefully it will come sooner than my mind keeps trying to tell me. With so many factors at one time to deal with, it definitely makes me tired, more so than usual. But I'm having to learn that rest is just as important as everything else, otherwise I can't heal emotionally or physically. Prayers please - I need all the help I can get.
Thanks for asking about me.
RMW
© Marriage Builders® Forums