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#3001701 12/11/17 04:19 PM
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Melodylane,
To make a long story short, H said if I didn't find a way to "relieve his pressure" he would file by today. I told him a hand job was the best I could do with the way he was treating me. I did that but he was tixkes off two days later because it wasn't what he wanted me to do.

He said either divorce or free counseling. I found some, appt. was set for Wed, last night he was mad & said he wasn't wasting his time w counseling.

He walked out the door just before I started this thread. I don't dare move wrong in front of him.

Financial status - my inheritance got used up during the marriage. I don't even have enough to pay car insurance for 6 mos., my education is limited to massage therapy which didn't get to last long due to multiple back injuries. I have been unable to work since 2009. Work history, very little outside of family farm (which was making my back worse & I didn't realize it).

I filed for disability, turned down, started filing through lawyer - office secretary messed up case & didn't find out until it was too late to so anything about it. No longer have up-to-date MRI, required for filing. Other than what was mentioned above, I was a stay at home mother until my daughter graduated high school.

As much stress as him being around him has caused today, I'll have to wait to finish up later. He's back & in bedroom w me not knowing when he might walk through the door.
RMW

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RMW, would you consider calling a shelter? He is controlling you financially and using that control to sexually coerce you against your will. It's sexual and financial abuse.

The shelters I have worked with are very familiar with this type of man. I would just call them up and ask for their advice generally.

He is so contemptuous of you that you really need an escape plan.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Thanks indiegirl,

I knew there was something to call it, but I've never been treated like this by anyone else, so I didn't really know what to call it.

I'm trying to pull what resources I can find together. The house of Ruth that everyone recommends here isn't much help.
Prayerfully I'll get some rest tonight.
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RMW, I would strongly suggest you stop having sex with him. That is disgusting and will make the situation worse. That is no way to treat a woman and you shouldn't accommodate him.

What kind of jobs can you do? I know many women who started in low skilled jobs at Walmart and worked their way up the ranks. Walmart has a real good training program and i know women there who are in management positions making really good salaries. They worked very hard and were rewarded for it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I did stop having sex with him. He can't seem to get it through his head that he can't just meet my needs long enough to get me in the sack one time & then quit & expect everything to be fine and me do it again over & over. He said he was tired of playing by my rules to get sex. And I told him I wasn't trying to make him play by any rules, that if he wanted me to want sex we had to be close. He's not good at that & doesn't like Harley's program because he would have to change the way he behaves. So actually, it's Harley's plan he doesn't like living by. He was abused & neglected growing up just like I was. The big difference is, I turned to look for answers & growing, he went a different route. He's a good con artist when he wants to be, he proves it daily with other people.

As for Wal-Mart, I've worked there before, for a couple of months, when I was married 14years ago. Ex was assistant manager at another store. My back won't hold up for the jobs they have, I know from experience. Guess I should have thought about that before I trained for massage therapy. Bad mistake.

Right now my neck is hurting bad enough it's starting to give me a headache (whiplash from one of the accidents I was in). I'm going to have to get off of here for now & tend to that & then maybe I can get more done around the house & get back here tonight while H is at work.
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How bout these?

In the U.S., call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
UK: call Womens Aid at 0808 2000 247.
Canada: National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-363-9010.
Australia: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1800 200 526.

I would ask what kind of free legal advice they can point you towards since your inheritance was spent within a financially abusive marriage. You never know.

What resources are you looking into/can you gather?
Any friends/family you can stay with? (I think I would actually prefer you weren't alone if possible)

Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
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What kind of jobs can you do? I know many women who started in low skilled jobs at Walmart and worked their way up the ranks. Walmart has a real good training program and i know women there who are in management positions making really good salaries. They worked very hard and were rewarded for it.


This is an awesome idea. What about contacting a temping agency or call centre to ask when they're hiring? People are always looking for trustworthy home helps ,house sitters, petsitters or babysitters too. If there's a local church you think you can trust, go to them with this issue and ask if they will help you find work within their network.

Originally Posted By: RMW

I don't dare move wrong in front of him.



This coupled with your blind obedience of him has me somewhat worried. What kinds of behaviours has you spooked? Angry outbursts, throwing stuff?

Last edited by indiegirl; 12/12/17 12:59 PM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: RMW
I did stop having sex with him. He can't seem to get it through his head that he can't just meet my needs long enough to get me in the sack one time & then quit & expect everything to be fine and me do it again over & over. He said he was tired of playing by my rules to get sex. And I told him I wasn't trying to make him play by any rules, that if he wanted me to want sex we had to be close.


I would stop debating this with him. He sees you as a sexual vending machine and is absolutely amazed when you express opinions and feelings. He must feel like one of your simplest appliances has come to life. He is only willing to deal out simple tokens to you. You're talking Swahili when you try to go deeper.

In fact, he is the simple one here. You'd have a more intelligent discussion with the neighbourhood dog. I'd save my breath and change the subject.

He really has me disgusted that he is forcing himself on you.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Just his mouth so far. I don't believe he will let it go past that or filing for divorce. He is too much at stake to lose if I had to press charges for anything physical. He's more caught up in his work & what he plans to buy once he pays off his loans. As little as he had, I had no idea he was such a materialistic man until just listening to him today. I know he's addicted to his motorcycle, but I thought that just went back to when he was a biker.

He hasn't said anything derogatory today. He was just looking through a paper he got in the mail & said if a particular bedroom suite went on sale like that one next year, he was going to buy it.

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He found out last night that it wouldn't work. If he were to try & "force" it, I would put some serious marks on his body, then have him arrested. He knows I won't hesitate to call the cops because when he made his remark & then left the trailer, I did call the cops. They told me that he couldn't have me put out because I was on the lease, but if he were to try anything call them back. Thankfully they're only a short distance from the trailer court we live in.

Last edited by RMW; 12/12/17 05:26 PM.
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Originally Posted By: RMW
Just his mouth so far. I don't believe he will let it go past that or filing for divorce. He is too much at stake to lose if I had to press charges for anything physical.



And they say chivalry is dead. Be careful anyway. Contempt always pings my safety radar.

Qs:
1. Can you get legal advice?
2. Can you sock away some funds secretly?
3. What work if any could you handle?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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I was referred to a good divorce lawyer who supposedly gives the first visit free, thankfully.

I don't know about being able to hide money. I'll have to check out the vocational rehab center, about 29 miles from where I live & see what they can do to help me

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RMW - please, please, please do all you can to get free of this situation. PLEASE listen to MelodyLane and the others.

I was almost out and allowed myself to be manipulated back in. I don't want to see you go through the same thing. I also saw my very substantial inheritance used up in the marriage. Still, I had found a way to afford to break free. I made a choice and now I'm still in the house, compounding bad choice with bad choice. All because I didn't listen to the people here and act when I should have.

Ultimatums, by their nature are not caring, loving statements. They are demands as you have seen. You are dealing with consequences for refusing.

Just, please, please listen to the great advice here. Reach out to a church, even if you're not a member there. Call the therapist and/or the lawyer and ask them if they know about resources in your area. Keep asking until someone thinks of something to help you get out of there. You'll be able to think much more clearly once that happens.


ME:50 HIM:53
MARRIED: 13 YRS, DATED 4 MONTHS PRIOR
HIS 2 KIDS: 30 & 25
OUR CHILD: 9
MOVING OUT & FILING FOR SEPARATION ??/??/??
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Thanks for sharing Onthefence608, I'm still asking & have been reading on my cptsd & have some major breakthroughs in realizing & becoming stronger in my weak points. I still have lots to do, lots of asking for help...and it's so hard because growing up, I was punished if I did ask for help...put down & made to think I was worthless.

But I haven't given up or in. I've learned enough to know that just because he makes a promise doesn't mean it's worth anything, and that doesn't come from a point of anger...just truth.

Thanks everyone...keep rooting for me, I have a LOT of BIG steps to make.
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Well I made it to Wiregrass 211 yesterday. Told H I was going for counseling, didn't say what kind though. Counseling to gather resources. After leaving their office I went to Alabama Career Center because the lady in the 211 office thought they were having a job fair. Well as it turned out, the job fair was only for kindergarten teachers so that left me out. But I updated my info & one of the workers gave me a way to check & see what fields would be good for me to go into in which areas as far as school goes plus the info to get,on their website. So far none of the jobs seem promising, but it was only one day's looking. I'm struggling to stay out of depression.
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Well I think this is a heroic update.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Thank you Indiegirl. I'm hanging on like I'm in a hurricane.
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Well, he came back with his threats again. Put out or I'm divorcing you & not paying anything on your bills.
Even though I paid his when he wasn't doing for me. Prayers please!!
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Having been in a situation where my xH frequently threatened to leave me (as a method of control), if there is something I could do over in my life I would have taken him up on his first offer.

If I were you, I'd call his bluff and take him up on his offer of divorce. Then cake-eat until he finally files. (well, maybe that last sentence is not MB advice.)

Let him see that you will no longer cower in fear to his threats; that his threats will not control you.

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Originally Posted By: Sunnytimes
Having been in a situation where my xH frequently threatened to leave me (as a method of control), if there is something I could do over in my life I would have taken him up on his first offer.

If I were you, I'd call his bluff and take him up on his offer of divorce. Then cake-eat until he finally files. (well, maybe that last sentence is not MB advice.)

Let him see that you will no longer cower in fear to his threats; that his threats will not control you.





This is very good advice. Show him the door and ask how soon he can be packed.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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The only problem with any of it is finding a job my back can handle. I'm going online & asking around. That plus I'm the one that will have to leave. The lease is in his name, I'm just on it. But I have been packing everything I possibly could & moving it out slowly enough for it not to be missed. So far he's only mentioned one knife..& it was mine before we got together so I just ignored him. So far my trunk is jam packed & my hairdresser has let me use an empty closet to store some of it. I do want out. I just need prayers for God's favor in getting a job I can do that pays enough to fully support myself, and a place to live that's affordable. I have an anxiety disorder & I am shaking at rhe thought of not being able to pay my bills. I have decided, Lord willing, that if he goes ahead & files, I will have our vehicles separated on insurance. USAA told me that the money he paid on his truck would stay in my account, not with his truck. It's all scary business to me.

Getting ready to take clothes up to the dryer along with another basket of my things. That way his snooping watcher of all I do can't catch on to that.

Prayers for God's favor & wisdom & courage to keep moving forward with this.
RMW

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