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Joined: Jun 2011
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RM, I have never seen a anyone with a plan this detailed go very far wrong.

The Art of War: "Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt"

You are prepared, you are subtle, you acknowledge the seriousness of the situation and plan for it. You seek an actual resolution and have an actual end game Your H? Obvious plan, only has one trick up his sleeve, seeks an unreasonable on going repetition of the status quo without considering any of the problems.

It's a big problem you have, but your anxiety is far from the crippling kind. It's the kind that is making you serious, subtle and unpredictable.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: RMW
The only problem with any of it is finding a job my back can handle. I'm going online & asking around. That plus I'm the one that will have to leave. The lease is in his name, I'm just on it. But I have been packing everything I possibly could & moving it out slowly enough for it not to be missed. So far he's only mentioned one knife..& it was mine before we got together so I just ignored him. So far my trunk is jam packed & my hairdresser has let me use an empty closet to store some of it. I do want out. I just need prayers for God's favor in getting a job I can do that pays enough to fully support myself, and a place to live that's affordable. I have an anxiety disorder & I am shaking at rhe thought of not being able to pay my bills. I have decided, Lord willing, that if he goes ahead & files, I will have our vehicles separated on insurance. USAA told me that the money he paid on his truck would stay in my account, not with his truck. It's all scary business to me.

Getting ready to take clothes up to the dryer along with another basket of my things. That way his snooping watcher of all I do can't catch on to that.

Prayers for God's favor & wisdom & courage to keep moving forward with this.
RMW


Im glad to see you making plans... may I ask-
Where are your grown children?
My kids would never let me sit in a situation like this if they could so I am just curious. Are they still to young to really help?

Try call centers. I just helped a lady get a job there who has medical issues and it has been great for her.
Also go ahead to the temporary agencies... In my younger years I ended up getting many permanent job offers this way plus work in the mean time even if one company didn't work out. They generally have different kinds of jobs as well so you could see if it was a good fit for you or not.


BW-3 Kids
Sep:2014
Divorced

"I was not delivered unto this world in defeat, nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be prodded by my shepherd. I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. I will hear not those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious. Let them join the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny.
I will persist until I succeed." Og Mandino
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Merry Christmas RMW. santa002


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Thank you indiegirl, Merry Christmas to you too! santa002 and a Happy New Year! happynewyr
H went to the lawyer Friday to discuss divorce and Paul actually had a long talk with him about some things (that he shared when he got back) & believe it or not, it had a lot to do with some of the things I've been trying to tell him for years. He's actually "beginning" to look at some situations differently...my feelings are being included in things for a first time. We're not "out of the woods" yet, but at least there is a trail to follow now.
Plus, I got a book on Windows 10 for dummies to teach me how to run this blasted computer that I bought for him 2 years ago. If I can get thru it, with Ben's help (computer guru, kid next door) then it will make getting a job a whole lot easier. So while we are working on the relationship, I'm still working on becoming financially self-supporting. That way, if he starts up again, it won't put the same strain on me it has this time.
Paul (the lawyer - I've known him since 1989 when he handled my divorce from a serial cheater H) has been married for 58 years to his wife & was telling H about some things that did & didn't work. Only time, persistence, & consistency will tell what will work. I'm actually not having to work on anything except opening up more when something hurts. That & keeping from slipping back into a "flashback" way of living in spite of the flashbacks that keep coming up.
That & keeping a grip on my tongue like Dr. Harley said, speaking only from a positive perspective when explaining things to him. I have to think hard sometimes on how to break it down so simple & in a way he can understand.

Thank you all for your support! And I will let you know how things go... weightlifter

RMW

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One bad note: H still doesn't agree with the POJA if it's a "no, I'm not enthusiastic about that" & he has to respect my no -- only for when he says no to something I want. So, I don't know what it would take for him to get there, if ever...and if not then it will never work because I'm sick of having to give up everything I want just so he can have everything he wants - which he is already doing again since he said we'd work on things.
At least I can use the time for skill building to be able to get a job that I can support myself with.
Right now, that fact is,the only thing keeping me in gear to keep things going on as positive a note as possible. The last 24 hours have been very hard to fight my resentment...to the point that I have had a headache since last night around 10:30 that I couldn't shake. Thankfully, right now I have clothes to wash while he sleeps so I can get some rest in the L.R. until he gets back up and then thankfully he has to work tonight!!! Prayers for strength & endurance through this mess until I can support myself & tell him flat out that I refuse to be treated this way anymore.
RMW

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RMW, I went through all your updates. You have gone through a lot this past couple of weeks!

I'm very glad to hear that you are making plans and progress towards getting a job to support yourself. Financial independence does not ease the heartache from the broken relationship but definitely lessens your fear and anxiety about your future. Someone has also asked, but do you have grown kids with whom you may be able to stay for a few months before you settle? You mentioned you have a sister - are you close enough to ask for a temporary housing help?

In my state, there are plenty of lawyers who offer free initial consultation. I had talked to several of them before I finally picked out one when I was going through divorce. I had researched a lot so that I did not have to waste the 'free' time on questions I could find answers to myself and came up with pretty extensive list of hard questions. I asked several attorneys some of the same questions to get different perspectives, to better prepare myself. I would think you can also find more lawyers who are willing to give you free consultation in your state. Please take advantage of that and educate yourself as to what your rights are. You said you had spent the money you inherited during your marriage to your H... do you have any receipts or records to prove this? If you can prove that it was your premarital asset and/or it was inheritance from your family members, you should be able to take that out when dividing the assets. Please check this out to see if it applies to you in your state.

You can get through this, please be safe. Hugs.

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Candycrusher,
I have been doing extensive research on the laws here in Alabama and come to find some of them quite irritating. It's not a 50/50 state where it all gets divided up equally. And my inheritance would have been considered mine unless it was used to buy something for the home/marriage. At that time, it was no longer considered mine, but ours. So that kind of ticks me off... But, I have gathered all records of my credit card from the time I opened the account & am having the credit union send me records of every transaction from my savings account, which is where I deposited the money. The one thing taken into consideration is how much each party has contributed to the relationship and what should be returned. So that was a positive note. In the end, it all boils down to who knows who & can pay off the judge in charge if it were brought to court. I already know Paul "has connections" as he put it. And I also have a recording of our entire conversation where George told me that Paul told him about paying off whomever was needed to be paid off to get the results they wanted. hurray That is to my advantage when it comes time, because I can contest the judge if he were to rule in H's favor & have the audio as a way to contest what Paul told him he could achieve. H has no idea that I have all of these audio recordings on my phone. But one thing I've learned in the past couple of years is to fight fire with fire!!
That is one reason I need to get out of here asap; that way he can't claim he spent any great amount supporting me while I made it to the point where I can support myself.

Right now, I'm having to take it one day at a time and turn to God for providing me with what I "need" in life, regardless of what happens. Whether it's a lesson I need to learn or financial aid...
I thought it was over until H came to talk to me on Saturday. I thought I would end up in a homeless shelter & not be able to get any of my belongings. Now H is in the mode for the counselor, but I don't even know what to expect out of the counselor myself, so I don't know if it will be any help or not - or even harm. But H wanted to wait until the holidays were over to schedule an appt. So... I'm not wasting any of my time, I'll be working on computers, with my books & a computer guru kid that lives with my friend Joanie. The kid came over when I couldn't get it to print, cordless & I let him know about the Bluetooth feature on it...and without ever having touched the computer before, he had it reset, up & running/printing in about 10 minutes. Joanie told me anything I didn't understand or have questions about, that Ben wouldn't mind coaching me. He's only about 9 yrs older than my oldest grandchild, so it feels kind of weird, but I'm willing to ask for help where I need it.
Carmen is the best lawyer in the area under Paul, so she's the one I would be going to for help.

I already have a closet stuffed slam full of personal stuff (out of my car) at my hairdresser's house. I've been checking on prices of everything from phone service, rent, singles rate on insurance, cost of anything I might have to replace, etc.

Now it's just keep my butt in gear and get out into the work field...regardless of whether the marriage works or not. It stands a better chance if I have the power to say NO.

Thanks for your encouragement, sometimes that is exactly what I need. Hugs back to you smile

RMW

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Save a copy of the sound files.

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Guess I would need to get an SD card for my phone to do that. Have it on file, but if something happened to my phone, I wouldn't have it anymore.

Thanks for the tip!

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Yeah I'm dubious too because he doesn't treat you like a human person. He acts like the marriage is for his benefit and you are some sort of accessory to the marriage. How can it work if he doesn't care if you are enduring sex you don't want or decisions you haven't okayed? His go to conversation is to threaten you.

Honestly I think if you got him one of those ultra realistic sex dolls, always smiling, no complaints he would be totally fulfilled.

I would guess he is only making noises about a counsellor to get you to back down. He is doing juuuuuuust enough to keep you put. I wouldn't let him waste that money ahead of a divorce. Especially since the average counsellor sucks. If you really want him to try, give him Steve Harleys number. If you just want to appear happy about him trying, give him an MB book (or audiobook) and tell him that following the plans as laid out is enough to keep you home (for now)


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Again RMW,
Where are your grown children?

They would let you go to a homeless shelter?

I don't understand what happened to them.


BW-3 Kids
Sep:2014
Divorced

"I was not delivered unto this world in defeat, nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be prodded by my shepherd. I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. I will hear not those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious. Let them join the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny.
I will persist until I succeed." Og Mandino
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My grown children are not a part of this and I have no intention of bringing them into it. They have been through enough and lives of their own to balance. If you knew the details you might understand, but I feel no need to explain them.
Thank you anyway

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Happy New year RM. I have not a doubt you can make a good one.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Thank you indiegirl. It's nice to hear an encouraging word such as yours to help me make it through this nightmare and not give up! Hopefully this evening I'll be up to pulling out my study books & work towards my goal of getting the h*** out from under this narcissistic man.
Happy New Year to you too!!
RMW

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Happy New Year RMW!!!

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Happy New Year CandyCrusher!!

Please let me know how things are going for you

RMW

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Well, I finally made it to see my counselor this morning. We discussed things and she gave me the number for the vocational rehab services in a town nearby. Plus the number for state legal aid.
Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to get in touch with the rehab services and set up an appointment, trying to get started on training for something so that I can support myself. I'm just having to take things one day (moment sometimes) at a time.

More later when I learn more myself.
RMW

P.S. Candycrusher, if you read any of this, would you mind letting me know how you are doing? Hugs...

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This is fabulous news


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Wow! I wish I could see things that way. May be God's way of keeping me humble. Paul in the Bible endured much more from what I have read. My only wish, now that I have been to my 1st counseling session is that the vocational rehab center will help not only guide me, but also encourage me to follow the path that would be most fulfilling & financially profitable.

Since my last text, the Lord has given me much favor in going through old possessions & what I want to take with me , & what I can leave behind and the opportunity to sort through them in real life & divide them where a man pays no attention to a woman's wants or needs. He thinks he does, but God's Grace is all that pulls me through day after day.
RMW

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I think you are crazy tough. Every post you make is a plan in action. What does RMW mean by the way?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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