Help ! I want to stop my husband from divorcing me !

I need help, lots of help. My husband and I have only been married 10 month's. We've had several fight's mainly due to excess baggage carried over from previous marriages. It was never nothing I ever dreamed we'd wind up splitting up over. But it happened and today I was served with separation papers. I don't want it I want us to go too marroage counseling, but at least up until this point and time he refuses. I have done everything I could possiably think of to stop him from doing this to no avail. I've admitted to everything I had done in the marriage and appologized for it. We both did our share in screwing up this marriage. I have been going to a counselor alone for the last three weeks, he's yet to do anything to try and save us. I done all the crawling, begging, changing, and promises of it being different if he'd just join me in counseling in hopes of him returning home. Everything is alot more complicated then I can include in this post, but please believe me there is nothing that wrong that can't be fixed with some proper kind of help. He just sits back and listens to people who either don't like me, or to people who have no right tell him what to do about us, they are not qualified to do so. Anyhow to try and cut this down to a shorter version, as I said we had fights, but we were alright. We had his home and mine, making all payments on both. Also trying to enlarge my home of which we choose to live in. Bills was letting us get no where this way. So we decided to move his stuff out of his house and rent it out. In the process he wound up hurting his back. We had only been married 3 month'sat this point. Suddenly we were thrown togeather 24 hours a day, 7 days a week basically behind closed doors, for almost 4 month's while he recovered from surgery. We really started getting on one anothers nerves, and both had given up on doing anything to work on finishing the house, or going about trying to get rid of some of the clutter. We wound up haveing one last fight, in which he said he was leaving and I told him to get out. He did we've talked several times, even went out on a date so to speak, and everything went great. We both enjoyed each other very much. One night we even spent the night togeather at his house, that went great also. But then his friends keep getting envolved filling his head with lies and accuations keeping him constantly angry as can be at me, no matter what I do. Now he serves me with papers ! I don't want a divorce, or separation we've been apart now for seven weeks, I want him to come home where he belongs. I sent his lawyer a letter back stating I was'nt agreeing to anything, I did'nt want it and I wanted him to get counseling for his baggage problem, just as I have been doing, and for us both to start marriage counseling. What else should I do to make him believe in me again and not the others he's talking to ???????????????? I've never cheated if that should cross anyone's mind ! Any help at all please !!!!!!!!

keep working on yourself and stop begging and crawling, this moght push him further away or make him feel he has the upper hand and can do what ever he wants right now, Let him see you starting to put a life together with out him.

Take my advice i've been in your situation just a couple of months ago..I begged and cried and begged some more and etc..The only thing it did was hurt our marriage more and ruin any chance to reconcile..I pushed him so far away that there is no way hope for us..So take my advice and any advice given to you as luck..Your marriage can be saved it's not to late like my marriage..

There is so much stuff here that you are trying to deal with and fix. I was in this trap a long time. I was so broken hearted when my husband left
that I just wanted to die. Finally, I realized I could not fix anything and turned to the only one who can...God. I cried out to Him and He sent me to the web site listed below. It took me a while to Let God be God. He filed for divorce in May 2000 and ,Praise God, we are still not divorced , as a matter for fact he would have to file again at this point. My husband wanted a divorce quick!
Only God can move mountains! We are still not together but, we get along great and spend time together. He will be home in God's time. This is a narrow road I have been lead to take. Not everyone can stay on this path, it just matters how important your marriage is and if you have the faith to continue, no matter how things look.
I pray you go to this site...www.restorem.orggentle

Thanks for your posting back to me,
I really appreciate the chance to talk to others who somewhat understand. As far as my begging, pleading and so forth I know it's wrong but I can't help it.
I know in my heart that if I don't let him know I'm still out there he'll just plan forget about me. He'll get in even tighter with the very people who are responsiable for us not being able to talk to begin with.
Right now he won't even give me the time of day right now. He acts like he honestly hates my guts.
I honestly have done my fair share in our break up, but as they say it takes two. I really have done no more than he and I have tried desperately to appologize for the part I played, and that I am going to counseling to get help dealing with my past. He's agreed that he too has problems of his past but has done nothing to get any kind of help.
Getting served was a real slap in the face. I know deep down inside beneath all his anger, that he still loves me. He has done so much talking out there to everyone he knows, probally some true, some exaggerated and some totally off the wall. I feel he does'nt see how he could come back if he wanted, to embarrasing.
He now lives about 25 miles from me, and work's about 7 miles from me (he's a mailman). He continues to go to places we use to go to when we were dating, but supposably came to hate the place so he never wanted us to go.
My deceased best friend's grave is about 7 miles from me, my husband knows I go there when I'm troubled and light a candle there and talk to him. Lately when I get there on different days, he has lit one or two candles, or friends will tell me he told them he had been by there.
The thing I can't figure out with this is that in the separation papers I'm asked to stay away from him and his residence. So why does'nt he go to places closer to where he lives, why must he go places he knows evenually I show up at. Just like the night before I was served I went to the place we use to go to, it's one mile from my house. There set his truck, I decided heck with it I'm going in anyway. As soon as I did him and the people he talking with shut up and he stated he had to go, and left. I stayed about and hour and then went out to the grave, he had already been there and left the candle burning.
So what am I suppose to do ?
I take all the advise anyone is willing to give, I want him home, my children want him home !
I'm looking for someway to put some kinda possitive thoughts in his head. He is surrounded by people he talks to everyday that does'nt want us back togeather, and he's listening to them. They don't give him time for any of feeling I'm going through to surface with him. I just want to put a recent good memory in his mind set. I guess thats why I need this group more than ever.Appreciate your help !Debby
Debby

surmay,I am sorry you are hurting. I know this must be painful. Here's a little advice. I'm going to put my comments in your post. <blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by surmay:
Thanks for your posting back to me,
I really appreciate the chance to talk to others who somewhat understand. As far as my begging, pleading and so forth I know it's wrong but I can't help it. <hr></blockquote>At the risk of sounding bossy, yes, you can help it. So stop it.
<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by surmay:

I know in my heart that if I don't let him know I'm still out there he'll just plan forget about me. He'll get in even tighter with the very people who are responsiable for us not being able to talk to begin with. <hr></blockquote>If you don't back off I can pretty much guarantee you will lose him. If you back off you may still lose him but you just increased your chances of getting him back. <blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by surmay:

The thing I can't figure out with this is that in the separation papers I'm asked to stay away from him and his residence. So why does'nt he go to places closer to where he lives, why must he go places he knows evenually I show up at. Just like the night before I was served I went to the place we use to go to, it's one mile from my house. There set his truck, I decided heck with it I'm going in anyway. As soon as I did him and the people he talking with shut up and he stated he had to go, and left. I stayed about and hour and then went out to the grave, he had already been there and left the candle burning.
<hr></blockquote>Quit trying to analyze why he goes there. Just know he wants you to stay away right now so, again, stay away. You really need to back off.
<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by surmay:

I take all the advise anyone is willing to give,
<hr></blockquote>
Ok, again, I hate to repeat myself over and over, but, so far people on here pretty much gave you the advice to stay away and back off. You said you'd take all the advice you can get but you ignored good advice and said you couldn't do it. You need to calm down, take a deep breath and then not only listen to people here but actually take the good advice.The next thing, please read everything you can on MB. Make positive changes in you. This is all you can do right now. There's a new persons welcome post out there some where. I don't have time right now to find it but we'll search the sight tomorrow for it. Unless someone else helps me out. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Take care and try hard to calm down, it's really important right now for you to have a clear head.ANNAP.S.Just a helpful hint. It'll help people to read your thread if you put paragraph breaks in your story.[ November 04, 2001: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]

Dear surmay,You said you would take any advise...did you go to the web site I suggested? MB and the restore site were the first two places that helped me.There is NO quick fix to what you are going through. Let God take control. YOU cannot fix all this mess. I know your pain and I made the same mistakes you are making. Things didn't get better until I let GO. It doesn't mean you are giving up it just means you are powerless. You cannot change your husband and you will never convict him of anything.You are pushing him away, give him space and work on you. Stop beating your head against the wall. Please go to the web site I mentioned. You will find hope there. You want help ...I have told you were I got help. My divorce has still not happened and my husband hated me when he left and didn't want me around him either. Things are different now. It takes TIME. He is not going to forget you, but how will he remember you...as a begging, pleading, crying, yelling person or as a loving caring wife. The choice is yours to make.Making it is not hard...sticking to it is hard and you will need support for that. I pray you make the right choice and keep working at it. It takes TIME!gentle web page

Hi,
Just thought I'd add this as a little bit of an update to previous statements I've made. Remember the letter I sent to Husband and his lawyer about refusing to agree to anything unless he also went to conseling. Well I got the return reciept from his attorney saying he got it on 11-01-01, but I've yet to get the return receipt from my husband. Keep in mind my husband is a mailman, who also delivers his attorneys mail to him, so I figure he read his lawyers copy and said the heck with going to get his own he knows what it says. Anyhow I've heard nothing either way on anything stated in that letter and it's been 5 days now.
Yesterday afternoon I saw some a couple's car parked at the bar he goes to or should I say we go to now, again. Anyhow I decided to stop to and see what I could hear. The man had a broken finger which helped to break the ice into a conversation with them. I stated I could'nt stay long I had to go home fix dinner for the kids and hang drywall yet tonight. The man said your doing all that alone ? I said yes I don't have anyone to help me out anymore. He said yea I heard you and husband are split. So there opened the door again, they said nothing more about anything he had said about our split. The whole time I continued to be happy and smiling and filled them in on my going to a counselor once a week, (of which is today) and how I'm in this support group now, the book the extra marriage counseling I'd like for both of us to attend. Filled them in on alittle bit of my side, admitting to my failure in the marriage. They said he refuses to go to counseling or notice the changes you have already made ? I said well he can't see any changes if he won't even speak or come around me, he runs everytime he see's me and I'm no longer chaseing. Part of all this counseling is to make me feel better about myself first, then work on what's wrong right now and then the future. Forget about going back to the past, they said it all really made sense.Then when I was returning home there was a grey Suburban at the beginning/end of my road (the road dead ends) one to the best I could see like ours turning back onto the main road as I was turning in. He did'nt have time to have talked to them yet. But I just wonder if it was him what was he doing on my road, as far as I know there is no Suburban in or around our town exactly like ours. Anythoughts or comments are really greatly appreciated, thanks for all your support.Gentle, I do really appreciate any and all help and suggestions, sometimes I know I'm so caught up in myself that I fail to mention somethings. I have visited the sites you have mentioned, and many, many more. Thanks !Thanks for listening !Debby

Hi Everone,I'd like to start this off with saying right now I am just about on top of the world. About 9:30 tonight I made the decission to try and call my husband. I figured I had a ligidament reason to call, afraid but did it anyway.I know this is gonna be a very long message, I'll try and keep it short as I can and still get the jest of what was said across to you. Hope you can follow.Reason being Holloween night I was involved in a car accident, I was hit in the rear. I am alright just sore really, but went to the hospital to be checked out. I already have back problems and the way I felt I was really afraid it had finished me off. Anyhow I did'nt know weather he was still carrying medical insurance on me or not. My daughter had called him from the hospital for me to find out so I could give the hospital the information. He either was'nt home or did'nt answer anyway she left a message, asking about insurance and would he please call back. He never did. I got thinking about it and decided to call because she never told him I had been in a car accident.I did, he answered and the conversation went somewhat as follows, it turned out to be way more than insurance talk. I remained very up beat, and trying to joke and make fun the whole conversation.Me : Hi Felix
H : Yea
Me : I only called to find out if you were still carrying medical insurance on me. Dawn (my daughter) called you and left a message and you never returned the call.
H : Yea, that was last week
Me : Halloween night, I was involved in an auto accident, and needed to know for the hospital and for therapy.
H : Yea, for about another week your still covered. It's that time of year that I can change it back to single and save myself some money.
Me : O.K. at least I can turn in the hospital to cover that bill, I'll skip the therapy.
H : What's wrong with you
Me : Oh, It's just my back and hip again.
H : Well you ought to be able to get some money out of that, if you get a lawyer
Me : No, nothing new wrong, just aggravated a pre-existing condition.
H : exactly
Me : No really Felix, I've been spending the last few weeks, with a counselor and a support group to help me feel better about me so I can become a better person. The last thing I want to do is start argueing with anybody. At this point I feel it'll go against everything I have been working to gain.
H : Don't make a mistake
Me : That's exactly what I'm trying not to do. Lord knows I've made way to many of them in the last few weeks.
H : If you need to go to therapy just let me know and I'll keep you on so you'll be covered
Me : Thanks alot I really appreciate thatConversation was going well so I decided to throw another thing at him.Me : Felix, is it alright if I asked you something else
H : What
Me : Well Stormy (my 3 year old) really is having a problem with all of this. I have listen to her constantly talk about daddy this and daddy that. My dad calls and she think he is you. Then this morning she over heard me tell mom I was going to the counselor, and your name mentioned. She went off with could she go to see her daddy, could she give you a hug, on and on. I left her at the daycare crying. Would you please visit her. We'll set it up anyway you want
H: Don't you think it would be better if she did'nt see me, and she'll forget about me
Me : No, she has'nt forgot yet. Felix your the only father she has ever known
H : Well my day off was today you should have called me so I could have done it today
Me : I've wanted to but was afraid
H : OK, I don't know what day I have off next week I'll have to call you.
Me : Thanks alot Felix, it will mean the world to her.About that time she walked into the bedroom, heard me say his name. Started throwing a fit to talk to him. I was talking on my cell phone, the next thing I knew she grabbed the phone and was saying "Hi Daddy", "I love you". "When are you coming home". "You don't know when". "OK daddy I love you", and gave the phone back to me.Me : I'm sorry about that Felix, but you know how she is.
H : Yes, I do. I'll call you when I can pick her up from daycare and bring her to the house.
Me : That will be fine. I'll have Dawn take off and go somewhere with her friends and I'll take the boys and do something with them
H : No, you'll have to be home
Me : OK, I just did'nt want to put any pressure on you. I just thought you'd want to be alone with her.
H : So what were you doing when you got in the accident, been out drinking
Me : No Felix, I was taking the kids out trick or treating.
H : Oh, well how much damage was done to the JeepMore of this kind of talk about the accident and damages, then on to asking about work being done to the house, and my produce selling. All of which he started the conversation on.Talked on my going to counseling, because he had for one made the comment that I probally was'nt even going to a friend of mine. I informed him that yes I was for 4 more times, then I could only continue if I had insurance to pick it up. His work is paying for 8 visits a piece. I also told him that I also joined a support group that I speak with every night. That I had made changes in myself to better myself and to be happy with who I am and what I'm about. Told him I was doing alot of reading and had every intention of continueing everything I had been doing. The program was a good one because I now felt good about myself and happy. He said yea, but what if you back slid. I said yes that's always a possiablity, but that just happens to be the chapter I'm reading about right now. I told him that counseling was available with this program also but I did'nt want to spend the money right now, I prefer to wait and see if we can't work something out and do it togeather. He said what if I don't want to come back home. I said fine then I'll still be a better person for following through with it. I told him everything in the group and the book seems to work very well, and makes alot of sense to me. I'm suppose to read the book twice, and later on after I'm done I'll be glad to lone it to him to read if he was interested.The conversation continued on for about 45 minutes to an hour, the whole time I remain happy and cheery. If a subject came up that I wanted avoided, because I thought it would end on a bad note I avoided it even without even getting into it, and he never even seemed to notice.During the whole conversation he sounded depressed and down, but in the same note I felt he wanted to talk also. So I asked him. Felix you sound down in the dumps. Are you like this all the time ? He said "No" , I said is it because your talking to me. He said "I don't know maybe" I said " I'm sorry if I have put you in this mood, should we end this conversation for now" He said "no, he was ok" We talked alittle bit more about different things, and I said well I'd better let you go. He said "ok" and I said " Have a good night and good-bye"We never once even began to argue. I now feel great at least we are comunicating again.Does anyone have any ideas for me to keep this going ? What mistakes did I make ? What should I do next ?Debby

Forgot this it might be of some importance so I figured I'd better hurry up and add it on.The only part right now I can think of that may have been important is that he never brought up the separation papers, I did !Only because he made the statement that "it looked like we might lose the family car. I managed to pay this last payment, but I don't see how I can come up with the next one", (a 2001 Suburban we bought just a few months before he got hurt).I said "Felix I told you a month ago that I would help you with the payments. But with the new financial predicament I'm in I can't right now".He said "yea the pool payment"I said "no I'm not even talking about that, I'm talking about the papers you filed on me"He said "What"I said " I have to hire an attorney, I have thirty days to file answers to the papers you filed on me"He said "You don't have to have an attorney to go to family court"I said "Well I have no intentions of walking into the courtroom without one"That was the end of that. and it switched over to another topic.What does everyone think about the whole conversation ?Debby

Debby,The conversation sounded very promising. Try hard not to contact him until he picks up your daughter, this will give him the space he needs to think about you and what you said. It will also reinforce to him you are changing. Also, try to stay away from the place you used to hang out with him.Don't be surprised if within the next couple of weeks he test you. He'll probably back off again to see what kind of response he gets, when he does this it will be very important for you not to contact him. You need to have the patience and be stronger than you've ever been. Willpower is a hard thing but you will see so much more progress if you continue to show it.Take care and keep us informed.ANNA

Have you checked out the site gentle mentioned? www.restorem.org. I think it is so good and encouraging. Send me an email if you have time. I have one of their books on ebook.
Morriggs
morriggs@yahoo.com

[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]

Anna, Morriggs, & K thanks so very much for the advise ! I'm trying very hard to do exactly as you all say with the read, read, read part and the not chasing, calling, crying and so forth.Just a thought that's been bothering me all day and thought I'd put it out there to ya, just to see ig anyone has any thought's. I know it's early yet, I'm just wondering if I read more into our conversation than there really was.Also I finally got the return reciept for the letter I sent to him and his attorney. It was the next day after we had spoke I got it back, so that means he picked up my letter and must have read it the same day I called him, but he never mentioned it at all.Well I know he's off work tommorrow and off somewhere tonight because he does'nt have to work tommorrow.I've just got the terriable feeling he's out with a woman, I don't know why I feel this way I just do, gut feeling maybe.Thanks for listening !Debby

Surmay, I will be keeping you in my prayers. Worrying about what your husband is doing, isn't doing you any good. Are you a Christian? If so, pick up the bible and cry out to the Lord. Please email me.
Morriggs
morriggs@yahoo.com

Thanks for your prayers Morrig, I really do appreciate it and defineatly need all the help I can get. Yes I am a Christian.Now for my newest update !Today was the day I had to go hire an attorney. I had only thirty days to answer his papers served on me for legal separation. That time will be up December 2nd, but with Thanksgiving right there I'll be cut short on the court system. Anyhow I had no idea who to get, so I wound up calling that lawyer referral service on t.v. They give you one name with a cheap consultation fee. I was worried with this, but he turned out to be a very nice guy.First thing out of my mouth to his was "D you believe in the sanctity of marriage" He looked at me kinda funny, and I said "if you don't then I'm not gonna waste either of our time, because I don't want a divorce"He said "well this is different most come in here saying I'm through with him too"We went on , he asked and I answered some questions, showed him the papers and said let me give his attorney a call."He did right then and there he told his attorney that I did'nt want it, and about the kids also about mine and my husbands last phone coversation and asked if my husband was sure he wanted to go through this. Because he believes I'm honest and sencere about not wanting it, and to the counseling. The other attorney said he get with him today and get back to my attorney about it.My attorney also told me there really is no such thing as legal separation in the state of South Carolina. There's a name for what he's doing, but it's basically just to stipulate who's responsable for what bills. He also said that my husband does not have grounds for divorce so he have to wait at least a year and the courts are very backed up, so it'll be awhile before we even get in for this. Good that buys me some time. I told my attorney my main concern is stopping this procedure, get him and us into counseling togeather. Then if all else fails then we'll deal with the divorce part, but now consebtrate on getting us back togeather.When I left his office and I went to pay, he told me to wait and see what my husband's lawyer has to say when he calls back.That all happened about 10:30 this morning, I have'nt heard anything yet hopefully tomorrow morning. Now remember my husband is his attorney's mailman so he sees him everyday.Also good or bad I don't know, you all tell me. I believe I told you when this all went do I tore up all the pictures and our marriage license I was so mad, and dumped them on his doorstep. Needless to say he was mad about me doing that. Well I found to pictures of us togeather yesterday, I had copies made and mailed them to him. I just stuck a short note saying I thought he might like to have a copy of them and I love you. He should have got them today. Since he won't see me in person I wanted to stick us back in his mind of how happy we were. It was taken back in the early summer this year.Ok help me out, give me your opinions ! Good or bad let me have it, I'm learning I just don't know if it'll be fast enough. I'm nervous as all get out ! Will it be good or more bad ?Debby

Debby,That sounds great! I'm glad you are reading and learning. It's basically all you can do. Make these changes in you for yourself though, not for him. You deserve them.Take care,ANNA

Thanks for your input here Anna !I've decided something today, after alot of time alone thinking what has happened over the last 2 month's, but especially the last week I guess.I'm going to go with whatever comes out of the two attorney's talking come up with. If he wants to make a go for it I'm all for it. If he says no, well then it's no, I'll have to move on.At this point I can't help but feel if we were to get back togeather, he'd just make me miserable with the way things will have to be his way only.I know I said I'd do anything to get him back, but ! I'm lost and miserable without him, but I know in time I'll be ok. Doing it totally his way I'd spend a lifetime of being miserable. Maybe I'm changing my mind about what I want or maybe it's just one of those days.Again thanks for listening !Debby

Debby,You go girl!!!I was surprised by your post. Two weeks and so you are doing so much better. You're getting stronger and learning you can live with him or without him. There will be days when you want him back and days when you don't. At first you'll usually see more days wanting him back. Later this will change depending on his response. I think it all just depends on his response as to which eventually wins out.The more time that goes by, if he ever does decide to want to come back, perhaps you can set some guidelines down as to what you want and need from him, as well as talk to him about the things he expects from you. I would say get a Policy of Joint Agreement and both fill out EN questionnaire if he does lean towards reconciliation. If he can't do these and decides not to make it work, you will be better off without him. Take care girl and you should be so proud of your accomplishments.ANNA

Hi All,To begin with again thanks for the words of advise, don't really know what I'd do without everyone. I've really come to depend on you being here, thanks !No I did not hear from his attorney or mine, I've been wondering all day if that was a good or bad sign.Anyhow to pick my boy's up from a school dance (their first), and on the way I stopped off at the graveyard. Husband left me a note on my friend gravestone either last night or tonight. He was drinking because along side of his tombstone was a coor's light (crushed), this is his brand.This is his note ! Please help me to read between the lines so to speak.Debbie,I like how you keep crying to everyone, now your lawyer. (24 - 7) Yea blame us being togeather all the time for our break up ! Try your computer 24 - 7, sometimes I could have burnt that thing up.Don't take the blame for ------ up our relationship, when your in public. No, I did'nt give you any attention or love ! That's what you tell the guy's at Choc's and they're all over you. Yea even at the Red Lion, dressed all up, makeup the whole nine yards.Well if your looking for someone else, stop crying how much you want me. I'm getting pissed off hearing all this stuff. If you were here right now I'd bend you over a tombstne & ---- the ---- out of you.Sorry for the language above, but I figured if I did'nt put it all down you would'nt get the full gest of his letter.To begin with the two places he's talking about are the places we use to go togeather. I have not been to either place in almost 2 weeks. In fact I have'nt been anywhere. He states mem are all over me, untrue !I have'nt cried in a month anyhow, in public I mean. Now I've classed myself up a bit, cut my hair, colored, started dressing up and yes make up. None of which I use to do. Now he thinks I'm out looking for someone else.Poor computer, yes I do spend to much time on it, but I did'nt like what he was watching on tv, so I figured so what.Does'nt want me but he gonna have sex with me if I were there !Help me to understand please ! The man files for separation does not want me or love me. Am I doing something right or wrong here. Am I seeing jealousy ? If I want someone else, is he saying he is'nt sure now himself ? Or am I reading all of this wrong ?Help, I really need it now, so I don't screw up any more !Debby

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by surmay:
Well if your looking for someone else, stop crying how much you want me. I'm getting pissed off hearing all this stuff. If you were here right now I'd bend you over a tombstne & ---- the ---- out of you.Debby<hr></blockquote>Now there's a place I can say I haven't "done" it at! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Sheesh! That just sounds morbid to me.Is he on drugs? Just asking.Well, here's what I would do. I would back off big time. Not respond to the letter. I know it sounds weird but he is getting angry because he's starting to miss you. I would let him make the next move.If he starts talking about getting back together, if you want him back then you guys may want to discuss the issues of TV and computer. Talk about negotiating time spent, on taking turns on picking tv programs and having other interest. Let him know you realize you have things to work on too.Take care,ANNA[ November 15, 2001: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]

Thanks Anna,I appreciate your input here. No he's not on drugs of any kind, just to set that straight. Morbid ? Anyhow, I guess what you just stated was kinda what I thought he was saying also, but was'nt wanting to read more into it than there really was. Or maybe that's what I was hopeing he was saying !Also, if no one had answered me with suggestions I figured it was time to back off and be quiet, my time for him to start the chase.I really wanted to pick up the phone and give him a piece of my mind, but don't worry I've come to far to do that ! But I really wanted too !Thanks again,Debby

I need some quick advise !I have caller ID om my phone. The phone rang twice I answered without checkimg to see who it was, as soon as I said hello they hung up. I then checked the caller ID and it was my husband.Why did he do that ? It's the first time he has called here since he left ! Was he checking to see if I went out. Calling to tell me off some more or what ? And then why hang up ?Debby [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Dear Surmay,I said it before and I will say it again, please go to the www.restorem.org. Order the womens book
if you care about your marriage. You are too concerned with what is going on in your husband's
head. Take care of your thoughts first. True love is not a game. There is a lot going on here and you really need to hear truth...God's truth.I know these things because I have lived them. I shamed my husband in ways I never knew. Stop talking to everyone else about him and seek God on this. The choice is yours...if you don't stop you are going to run him off. This is not about being right. Stop the blame game. He can love you and hate you at the same time. Ask yourself, what is more important your marriage or being right?
You cannot control him or change him. When you hear what God has to say about marriage, you will see, as I so painfully did, you have done a lot wrong also. We are not to decide which wrong is greater. We can't we are all human. It doesn't matter anyway. Just realize we are ALL sinners and must work on ourselves first in order to have a blessed marriage. Don't uncover your husband
so much. If you love him respect him. It must start with you since you want the marriage.I don't mean to be hard on you, I am just trying
to share the only thing I have found that helps.
How bad do you want your marriage? Bad enough to let God work in and through you?I say these things out to love for you and your marriage.gentle[ November 17, 2001: Message edited by: gentle ]

With the way he's been acting and writing, I'm afraid of what he might say. Thus upsetting me and the new me image I've been trying so hard to build, to show him how I've changed.I don't want to mess things up any more than they already are. I only dream of makeing it better.Debby [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Surmay,I don't really understand your reply. Your husband is upset with you. You cannot try and create a new image. You must be new for real. This takes time and pain. There is no quick fix. Make the changes real and lasting. Your husband is more concerned with the inside of you than the outside. You want to know why your husband is acting this way...get the book and read it. The answers are in there if you are ready to hear them.I pray you HEAR this message.
I will not bother you again about this. If you decide to really work on your marriage let me know. I will be around and I will keep praying for you.gentle

My life has never been a game ! I have tried harder at putting my marriage back togeather than anything I ever worked on in my life.
I'm just trying to figure out what's going on with him. He was acting and talking a certain way before, now it all seems to be changing.I have made no contact in over a week, and have not been to any of these places he speaks of in about 2 weeks.So if you will try this one on now, another letter he left at the graveyard, but I did'nt get it until today.Friday, 8:00 pm 11-10-01Well I passed you on Hwy. 90 last night about 7:00 - 7:30, so you were here early. To bad I did'nt catch you here.Well I hear you and Mike S. are an item. Last weekend at Red Lion then at Choc's later that night. Good catch Debbie. He can help you finish your house and he's hung like a horse ! I guess your calling his name more than you ever called mine.What I can't figure out is, is if you have all these guys falling over you then what the hell do you want me for ?Yea, keep telling everyone your dressing up and doing your hair and wearing make-up for me. Yea right, when do you expect to run into me on the south end. I'm not hanging out there or anyplace you know to look for me. You asked me to trust you, yea right.I did'nt see any damage on the Jeep when you went through town on Wednesday afternoon, another lie ?Remember I talked about meeting with a girlfriend and a mutual male friend wanted to join us going to another place. This was that night.What am I suppose to do, say, act ? Is he looking for excuses to stay away, or is he listening to talk again and it's backfiring and getting to him ? What I don't understand ! The Jeep I told him it was just the bumper. Obviously he's seeing me when I'm not seeing him. I asked him to trust me a year ago, before we ever got married. I've never cheated, ever or even gav him any reason to think so. He can go to a females friends house everyday for about a month and I'm suppose to believe she's just a friend. What does he think he can have female friends but I can't have male friends ? Help I really don't understand at all where he is coming from or want's from me !Debby

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Thanks so much for all your input, I do defineatley need all the help I can get.It seems the harder I try the more and more confussing all this gets.I was just wondering, some seem to be weiry of weather or not he'd hurt me. Well I really in my heart of hearts don't think so, but as you say jealousy does weird things to people.It crossed my mind with his last letter of. Now that he thinks I've went out and screwed around on him, will he go screw around on me. I mean out of revenge, I owe it to you, or just plain hurt ?I know I can't controll what he says or does ! Just did'nt know if somehow I should say something in a note to him that it's not true, or let him steam some more. His phone call that he hung up was Saturday night about 7:40 pm his day off, he was more than likely headed out the door to go out somewhere.What's your opions ?Debby
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I hope I did'nt mess up but ! I dropped a note off at the graveyard for him. It simply said I've never lied to you
I've never cheated on you
So I'm very sorry you feel the way you doI really hope I have'nt messed up ! I'd run back out there and get it, but I'm afraid any time between now and 11:00 he might be there. Maybe late tonight I'll run back out there and get it if he had'nt been there.Debby
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Hi All,
Went to my counselor today ! She's not a this type of counselor but she understands and is familiar with the techniques. She is a counselor paid for by his work, it's called the IEP program. It's suppose to be for employees and their spouses to try and keep them togeather and much more. Anyway they give you 8 sessions a piece, I used my 6th one today. He started going once before but was never regular missed a bunch of appointments and they finally dropped him from the program. He can start up again anytime he likes but nothing as of yet. So she knows alittle bit about him before we split up anyhow. Which is really why I decided to go to her because she did know something of his side. She really has helped me along, (of course also with you all) to stay straight and on course so to speak. She is the reason I found this group, she told me to go onto the internet and get into a support group and told me what to type in for the search.Anyhow I filled her in on what's been going on in the last week since I was in, and showed her his letters. She point blank told me he is wanting to meet with me to talk. Also said I should do it if I want to keep him communacating. She knows him somewhat too, she says he's this way now and that way the next time. In other words he's been very wishy-washy, mood changes with the weather since all this has been going on.But she also says not to go to his house. He might be playing a game, you never know and call the law on me for tresspassing. Or wind up in a big arguement senting me out crying and taking many steps backwards.She says to meet him preferably in a place where other people are, but mostly meet with him before he's had anything to drink. (He's not a drunk or anything, but when he gets off work he likes to drink a few, and also on his day off. ) When we were togeather he was'nt allowed to drink around the house when the kids were there. He never stopped after work either.My counselor say's I should voice myself over the things he's saying that are not true, because that's how he's trying to communacate with me. She says that he really does'nt understand himself either, he's wanting me to prove his wandering mind wrong. She says I don't have to prove anything to him. She says to ask him if he can look himself in a mirror with clean thoughts because I know I can. She had alot more than that to say but, mostly to keep away from anything that may prevoke an arguement. And if I feel to uncomfortable or I don't like the conversation, to politely excuse myself and tell him we'll try again at another time.I told her right now I really did not want to talk to him in person, because I'm afraid there would be an arguement. It seems to me that he's not really ready to work on anything just yet, and I'll wind up being the one hurting again.
I told her that maybe I'd give the leaving notes back and forth a try, because this way I have time to think before I answer. Also gives him time to think also, and we also have the choice of saying nothing at all right then and there.What do you all think ?Debby

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Here's the latest ! Yes there's another letter. I guess in a way it's like doing e-mail like a few other's are doing with their spouses except we both have to phycically drive to get the responses. But as you and others have said, whatever works keep doing it. And oh how I pray it's working ! Here's the letter, some of it crued as usual, but seem to me to be softing up alittle. Tell me what you think !11-19-01You never Lied !How about I'd never hurrt you financially - How about $***.** you charged on the ATT card when we were fighting and after we broke up. $***.** to Walmart the rest to CU BIDD - Which I called because the number was on the credit card bill. Nice computer system you have or maybe I'll have. Maybe I was wrong about Mike, even though you asked him to go to the bar with you.But after further investation I've found out that Mike is not interested in you, but you are seeing someone else. So I guess I woun't feel guilty when I do stick my [censored] in someone else.Sorry Debbie, then you wonder why I don't trust you.Thanks for answering the last two letter's, but if you were not lying you'd have been at my place or on the phone.Well that was the third letter from him in less than a week. I know it's still not good but at least he's talking so to speak. After really no real communication since September 22, 2001. I left him a note back that simply said - In the separation papers you said you wanted no contact with me, now this. Which way do you want it - I'm confused.Wish me luck and please continue to give me your support and advise. I would never have gotten to this point with him if it had'nt been for all of your help.Thank You,Debby [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi everyone,Thanks for reading my post and of course for your continued support for me and my situation from everyone one of you.This morning I went by the graveyard and here's his newest letter he left. 11-20-01Which one is it, I don't know. I didn't hang up when you did call now did I ?I can't figure you out either, you wouldn't let me spend money ($136.00) to finish the back of the house in the right color. But you spend $250.00 to have multicolor siding and aluminum material over rotten wood. Yeah Steve.You didn't even feel me last night. I stood on your front porch and wanted to knock on the window but didn't. Yeah 8:00 pm I was there.Then my phone rang around 10:00 pm three times and no one wanted to talk to me. And when I did *69 I couldn't get the call back, so I put the block on my phone *82. So now you can't even call me. It won't except a call from a blocked number. But yeah, you Haven't answered anything yet. But you want me to trust you. How can I ?Don't answer this, this week because I won't get it, next week if you want to. --------------
Now I'm really at a loss ! Is this really starting to work ? Or now that he says don't answer now, because I'm responding to quickly ?Steve is the guy I had put my sising up, evidently he has spoken to him also.He was actually at my house, and I guess I was suppose to feel his presents.I did'nt call his house, and I do have a private number so it won't show up. But I guess he does'nt know I can unblock it for a call if I choose.He's still on the trust thing. I don't know what he wants me to tell him. I've already said I have'nt lied and I have'nt cheated.Help again please, I could really use the input here. I've been able to come this far by the grace of god and all of your help, I don't want to lose it now.I did leave a note, it simply said. Another hoilday gone by ! Happy Thanksgiving !I'd love to hear any and all suggestions about this whole thing.Debby

Thanks ever so much everyone for all advise and encouragement. I hope each and everyone of you have had a wonderful Thanksgiving !Debby [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I haven't read the entire thread, just this last page.You are both reaching out to each other. Why weren't you at his door? Because you had no idea that is what he wanted, and he's told you his NEED after the fact. Why didn't you feel him on your porch, kind of juvenile, but same idea as above.Now, go knock on his door, get on the computer together, read this site together. Do the questionaires, spend your next pay check with Dr. Harley. And, POJA, POJA, POJA, these trust and money issues.Someone has to reach out first, looks like it needs to be you until he understands all that is here at this web site. Take Care, Take A ChanceV

Hi InShock,Thanks so very much for your advise. My husband must be out of town for the holidays, I imagine to his parent's house in New Jersey.As far as going to his house I have thought about it and have even tried it before. The last time I showed up at his house when he had said something that was'nt true, and would'nt talk to me on the phone. He told me to get out of his house, threaten to call the police, and threated to get a restraining order on me. All because he really just did'nt want to listen to what I had to say. Yes that time I did wind up begging and pleading for him to listen and not to do this, and was still told to get out it's over.So if I were to go again this time he probally would have me locked up.Help,Debby
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I believe my husband went out of town for the hoildays, probally his parents in NJ.But, I suppose he is back in town by now, for I'm sure he'd have to go into work today.You know I would have thought that since he was starting to make half way desent contact with me that no matter where he was he'd of called.He could have called at a time when he could leave a Happy Thanksgiving on my answering machine, he knows I would'nt have been home Thanksgiving day anyway that I'd be at my parent's house.He's always been the sentimental type, he always called or bought me something no matter where he was or whatever in the past was going on.Oh well maybe he's decided to go dark again. I guess I'll just have to wait and see if and when he leaves anything at the graveyard. Maybe sometime tonight or sometime in the next day or two.Thanks for listening,Debby
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Hello Everyone,Well, I suppose my husband is back in town now, for I'm sure he'd have to go into work today.You know I would have thought that since he was starting to make half way desent contact with me that no matter where he was he'd of called.He could have called at a time when he could leave a Happy Thanksgiving on my answering machine, he knows I would'nt have been home Thanksgiving day anyway that I'd be at my parent's house.He's always been the sentimental type, he always called or bought me something no matter where he was or whatever in the past was going on.Oh well maybe he's decided to go dark again. I guess I'll just have to wait and see if and when he leaves anything at the graveyard. Maybe sometime tonight or sometime in the next day or two.Thanks for listening,Debby [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Hey everyone,Here is my husbands latest letter dropped off at the graveyard !Monday, 11-26-01So your going to blame me for another bad holiday.I don't think so, but I'm back in case you care any.It's no different than last year, we didn't spend that one together or Christmas either.
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Now to begin with I did'nt blame him for a bad holiday, in fact everything considered I had a pretty good one.He's back what am I suppose to do, jump for joy ? Get back to writing letters with him, what ?Just to get it straight, last Thanksgiving we were not even dating, talking yes but not dating.
Yes, Christmas we were apart we had had a fight, but I still got him gifts and gave them to him.I still don't understand or no what he wants.Also I did not leave him any response back. Really don't know what to say. I know what I'd love to say, and that is answer everything he has said in every letter. Also tell him I think he could possiably be right, to much water over the dam. He created a new life, new circle of friends, new places to go, and even taking vaccations by himself. (It's funny in a way. He can't afford to make the next family car payment, but he can afford to drive 700 miles and the spending money while there.) Rubbing our split up in my face to all his family and ex-girlfriends up there. I know he went to his old stomping grounds, he use to be a bouncer in a club before moving here.Oh well, I guess it's another day of blowing off steam !Anyway any input here on his letter's this one or any of the others, or any combination of letter's would greatly be appreciated.
Thanks again you all !Debby [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi again everyone,As usual here is my husbands latest letter. I've been going crazy lately over this and could'nt wait till morning to go see it, so I took a drive tonight. Been having alot of mixed emotions !------------------------ Tues. 7:41 pm 11-27-01Well you got my note but you did'nt leave one.I see you and Tony got your letters from the solicitors last week. I guess that's why he's moving. I saw a U-Haul in front of his house this morning or should I say he's running.Hey I guess your moving the junk from one room to another. Yea when was the last time your front door was open, 4 - 5 years ago. I guess it's still an improvement for you though.After that last note you left, I kind of wondered if your going backwards, to hating me again. Or have you just stopped going to your therapy sessions ?You had me thinking last night, but then I got to buzzed and fell asleep. When I woke up this morning I saw a cigarette butt outside my door. (Mental - Basics). Was it yours ?
We're you there ? Or am I just imaging things ?I have a roll of Romex cable for you (12-3) if you can use it. I was going to leave it here, but thought better. So if you see it on the little car it was me.---------------------------He was'nt as sarcastic as usual, and I guess in his own way he might be starting to softing up. I don't know.No, I did not leave him a note this last time.Tony is my ex-husband, who I have to testify againsst in a legal crimminal matter. If he runs great then I won't have to testify, like I really care.Yes house had been clittered with all the renovating and such, I already told him I got rid of a bunch of stuff.Last note, all's I said was another holiday come and gone. Happy Thanksgiving.This was my shot at hitting him with not going.I had him thinking about what ? No I was not at his place, he is imagineing things I guess. Not even my band cigarettes but I guess he figured close enough.The cable again is for the remodeling we started and never finished. Now I'm trying alittle at a time as I can afford it. I really want to tell him to shove that cable where the sun don't shine. But will keep my mouth shut for now, I don't know what I'll do if he drops it off here at the house.I did leave him a note, yes he got me all rialed up, that's why I don't want to talk to him in person or on the phone.This is what it said. I really hope I did'nt mess things up, but as they say I could'nt help myself.I know yes I can, o.k. I wanted to !---------------
10:00 pm 11-27-01I've been to hell and back over this situation.When are you gonna stop cutting me down ?A person can only take so much !Stop my counseling, no I haven't miss not one time.Have you even begun over our situation ?-----------------------Well what's everybody think ? Have I screwed up am I doing something right, what ?Debby [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Just a quick note here.My husband dropped the cable off on top of my little car about 8:15 pm last night, as I figured he would.I suppose he parked out on the street, walked up the drive and placed it on the car, no there was to note along with it.He then drove to the end of my deadend road turned around and came back out.When he got in front of the house he blew the horn and rode real slow till I open the front door, he continued this way till out of sight.No phone calls last night.Shortly I'm on my way to the graveyard to see if he left a note there, and if so I'll post it here a bit later on today.Take Care Everyone,Debby [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Everyone,I sure hope alot of people get a chance to read this one, and give me plenty of feed back !Well here it is the newest letter. It's good the way I see it, it's not all negitive, nor as cutting. It's also the longest one yet. I guess my short note yesterday helped somewhat.-------------------------------------
11-28-01Cutting you down ? You told me you went two nights a week and Tuesday during the day. Today is Wednesday, your home, last night you were home, & Monday was the same.After your phone call asking about hospitalization I thought there was some change in you. I've left notes and asked you why you didn't come by and answer my questions. Have you ? No !Why are you afraid I'm going to put you in jail or afraid I'm gonna F--- you, because you are the last woman I've been with.Me start counseling, remember I went, did it help with you ? No, you put me out. Spent money on the credit cards after telling me I couldn't, spent money left and right and cried about a pool payment.What have I done but ask John to take care of you and help you no matter what.Went and got you romex cable for your electric & if I knew what kind of box I would have got you breakers.You always wanted to talk and now you don't. I don't know weather or not we'll get back together. I know there are alot of unanswered questions from you on why. After you said you would never do these things and you did. Then you say trust me I love you, I want you back, and all's I keep seeing is negative not positive. So why should I talk to a counselor. I sit in this graveyard talking to a dead man wondering who has it better him or me. HIM, he doesn't have to go day to day wondering, listening to songs that were at one time special, now only sorrow. Dreams once again taken away, no trust for the future. Never thinking I'll be able to catch you here to talk. This is the best I can do now.I've had alot of different thoughts the last couple of month's and most are not from ours. But people who were your friends years ago are saying Don't do it again. So you tell me something better. Tell me the truth, face to face not on paper.Don't tell me where, when or what time you'll go to group sessions. Don't tell me what time you come here.Don't show up at my door.Don't ask me why I'm sitting here for 2 hours waiting to catch you.Don't be honest - Keep everything a secret so no one can share your love 100%. Then ask me why we are not together as husband & wife. Don't get mad Debbie, just think like I have for these past month's.And you weren't here Wednesday night.

Hi all,I suppose I should have added some of my own comments in the last post to help explain him alittle, or his note.It just re-enforces what I said about him listening to his friends and the influnce they have over him, I know he said my friends but he meant his.I never told him I went to group sessions twice a week at night, I just told him I was going to a counselor and belonged to two support groups. This board is one of what I am calling my support group because that's the way I feel about it.He still wants me to answer his questions, his letters.So right or wrong thats what I did. I tried to answer openly, truthful and un-attacking as possiable. Some of his questions required answers he's not gonna like, but only because he does'nt want to believe.I told him nothing I was saying was meant to hurt in any way, but he wanted the answers. So this was the truth and if he choose not to believe me than don't ask. Also that if he choose to vent to me about his life with me, me in general or just life in letters that was fine, but if he got nasty or degrading not to expect and answer back, I was not his doormat. I have come to far to allow him to continue to try and tear me down, it would go against everything I've been working towards for the betterment of myself. Oh yea I told him I was'nt mad, nor did I hate him I was disappointed in him. That I did not want to see him in person right now we were both still to angry. I also felt that he was not ready, because he constantly seemed to be trying to start another arguement.I left him my book there and told him he could read it if he'd like, if not fine.I hope this answers him, it are enough of what he's been wanting, that it works and does'nt send him backwards. But he keeps insisting that's what he want, answers !Thanks for listening and for your support,Debby [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I hope someone is reading this and can give me some advise here !My husband just called, I did'nt answer I let the machine get it.He said he did'nt know weather I was here or not, but he left me a letter out at John's grave. He said the only thing he ask is that I read it with an open mind and open heart.Oh Lord this scares me, but I have to go get it to see what he has to say, His voice on the phone sounded down in the dumps, depressed.I guess I'll find out, be back in a little while.Debby [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi all,Well I guess I did it this time for good. I did'nt take your advise and I pushed to hard.I don't see what a open heart and open mind has to do with his letter.But here it is, one step forward and ten steps backwards this time.OK, I guess it's really time to give up this time
I can't keep on like this. Really no matter how hard I try I can't get through to him.He writing without anger or nasty insulting words, but he is still twisting things around to suit him.I guess he really must believe it the way he tells it.There is some explaining to do with this letter as usual, but I really don't think it'll make a difference anyhow. I'll try and explain it at the end, so it might help someone else out there.I need to tell you also that on the outside of the letter I had wrote. Please read this without having drank even one beer, it'll help you to understand what I'm trying to say and it'll help to keep you in the proper frame of mind.----------------------------------------------
11-29-01I've read with beer in hand and understood and agree with things you said, not all but a lot.That explains why I have been doing alot of thinking.My life is a mystery for the last 3 month's, no.I've just stayed away from you and the places you go.They are yours not mine or ours anymore.Nothing of mine has been anyplace since you, Debby. Sorry I never paid attention and always spelled it that way - my fault.We have both so much hate & hurt towards each other that it blinds us both.No I didn't leave Debby, you hit me told me to leave and called the police that night. A week before you told me to leave and I stayed because Dawn once told me I run to fast.I stayed for that reason, but you never gave me a chance.Tonight I was in your backyard to look things over for myself and yes on your porch.Because for some strange reason I wanted to say something.I went to leave and felt you, I turned saw you, you closed the door.I stood in the street but you didn't come out, so I left.I'm sorry that I have bothered you, but I felt that I had to talk weather it was good or bad - and still do, maybe as constructive arguing. ( Do you understand ? )But I'm not going to bother you anymore or John. It's time I let his soul rest.I have alot of fear from our arguments and times you have thrown me out.Please don't get mad but look back at the times & arguments, when you didn't respect my opinions and how it went down hill into a fight.Don't answer, don't write, I'll never be back here again. I will read the book because I know my life is not right and I don't do things right.But think Debby, I always tried, I gave into you when we had fights.
This last time I said no more I didn't start this I'm not wrong - I stopped trying to save the marriage. Maybe it was wrong on my part, but I was tired of seeing it over and over again.If you would have said wait or I'll be right out I would have stopped in my tracks, but you didn't.I vent most of my anger on paper Debby, face to face it might not be that bad.That choice would have been up to you.My fears are to strong to tell you anything positive, that's why I have said no way to getting back.Maybe if we could have talked some more or at all, maybe things could have been different, I don't know. I can't answer that at this point.The F--- you thing - I guess anger and being horny, I'm sorry.You won't see me in your yard or porch anymore.I won't be here anymore.Good Luck with your life.Good Bye Debby
----------------------------------------Explanation for this was alot of answers to things I had asked him :1. Explains alot of things, it does'nt explain anything to me.2. He had said how I kept secrets about my life over the last 3 month's. I gave him the answers, and stated that his life was the mistery. He totally backed off and hid everything he did, also brought up the other woman.3. He always spelled my name wrong, and I pointed it out to him.4. Both have so much hate and hurt, no I have plenty of hurt but no hate.5. He said he was leaving, yelling and screaming just like in his other letter's you've read of his. Made a threat to me, my daughter Dawn who is 16 came out of her bedroom and got involved. He somehow had her fingers bending them over my shoulder and she was crying. Yes, I punched him to try and get him to turn lose of her. He said hit me again B----, I said if you touch my daughter again I will. I backed down the hallway to the phone and called the police. He later claim he thought my daughter was coming after his throat. I told him I'd drop charges, because knowing my daughter it was quite possiable and she claims not to remember how it happened. This issue was never settled, and I have not dropped charges decause I was advised against it, when he filed for separation.6. I did'nt tell him to leave the week before, maybe a month before. Like I said we were at each others throats and it did get quite hard to live togeather, so much thrown back and forth.7. In my backyard and actually on my enclosed back porch (this was to be a new bedroom and diningroom), it has'nt been opened up to the rest of the house yet, but that was really close.8. Had to say something than why did'nt he when he had the chance. I saw him turn and thought he had just got there and got caught and chicken out. I did'nt know he was standing in the road waiting, it was dark and there's tall hedges in front of the house, that's why I moved to my daughters room to look out.9. I never said he bothered me, but have repeatedly told him I don't want to argue.10. Respect his opions, how about mine I don't count!11. Don't answer or write, but I'm suppose to understand that we need to still talk, or have a constructive arguement.12. He kept the book he knows his life is not right and does not do things right, why if he don't want to work on our marriage.13. Yes he did try, when things were going good, before his back surgery. After that not really. But me too.14. Didn't start this fight, it had been brewing for four days who knows what really was the cause for it other than to much togeatherness with him being off work for four month's.15. Yes he did stop trying and yes he was wrong especially after he realized everything I was trying to do to get us back togeather.16. If I'd of said wait, yea right he could'nt get things out fast enough down to bringing the strongbox out to me with the police demanding his old coins, bonds and credit cards. Went the next banking day and took all the money out and reopened one in his name only.17. Anger on paper in person not bad, right again he's very load and boysterous, and being big in size quite threatening.18. Fears are strong that's why he said no to reconsile, but not to much to spend the night with me and have sex, a few days before he filed.19. If we could have talked maybe things would have been different, that's all I ever tried to do until his lawyer threatened me with a restraing order and to stay away from him and his neighborhood.20. At least he finally apologized for something. 21. He got the last laugh and last say. Good Luck with your life, Good Bye Debby. Oh that hurts, bad !Thanks for listening, and thanks for everyones help through all of this. I've been shot down again !Debby [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

I'd really appreciate any help with my husband's last letter.I'm running out of time, I have to have my lawyer file papers back by Monday.If I can or can't work something with husband depends on how I'll have the lawyer answer served papers.Please some input here.Debby [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

surmay - What I see is you and your husband repeating the same patterns over and over.Of course nothing will change.Blame and defend doesn't work.I have no suggestions for Monday, but I do think you need good help w your husband to see what is possible.I know you both had tried counselling from your thread. Someone had suggested you try the Harley's.Have you? I think no matter which direction you go in ( reconcile or not) it would help you two to change the hurtful patterns you are in.You aren't able to say what you feel to him.Call the counselling center at MB and make an appointment. With help you may be able to see what is really possible in your relationship.

Thanks alot familyman, I really appreciate you suggestion.As far as both have tried counciling I don't really see it that way.I have been in counseling Since Sept. 22nd, 2001, since we have split. I go once a week I've never missed. I think it has done me a world of good.My husband went 3 times over a three month period. His appointment's were suppose to be weekly also. He never made it any kind of regularly. His work pays for it through the IEP program. With him not going like he was suppose to and missing appointments all the time yhey closed his case out, two days before I started going.There was no commitment by him in really going, so of course it did'nt do any good.I have tried many times to get him to go again either togeather or separate he's always refused.Thanks again and appreciate anymore input into my situation.Debby [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi everyone,I made plans to try and talk to my husband, this is how it went.To begin with I had planned to be at his place between 8:30 - 9:00, knowing it being a work night if he had went out he'd be home by then.Well got there at 8:45, he was'nt there. Parked got out and sat on his porch, making sure I put my cigaretees butts on his sidewalk.It was chilly out last night luckily I had wore a sweater. I walked around the neighborhood a few times to keep warm. He finally showed up at 11:00. I grabbed my bag of potatoes stood up to great him. He smiled , I told him it was a peace offering to for him giving me the cable. Thanked me ! Handed me a pack of already opened pack of my cigarettes.I said where'd you get these, they were mine.He said I know I said I was'nt gonna go back to John's grave but, I passed you on Friday night on Hyw 90 so I knew where you were coming from so I stopped too.While there I saw your cigarettes on the ground. He said I knew it was almost a full pack, and that you'd be back for them. I saw the 5 candles and 5 roses, and sat your cigarettes on top of the candles so you'd find them.Saturday night I stopped again to make sure you'd gotten them, but there they still sat. So I picked them up and figured I was gonna try and catch you here or leave them off at your house with a note.Good huh ! Anyway it went real well conversation wise, neither of us got mad but was very nervous even laughed a few times.He did bring up family court and not to get mad about having to go. I said look Felix if there's any chance that you might want to work on our marriage and get back togeather. He said he'd talk to his lawyer tomorrow and see what he can do. I said, don't do this to me. He said do what ? I said Do you have any idea what the cheapest lawyer is I could get ? $1500.00, so please don't make me spend the money if you think there's a chance. I don't have the money, I'm gonna have to take a loan against the Jeep if you do. He said it's only separation papers, we can get back togeather down the road if we work things out. I told him in the state of South Carolina there is no such thing as Legal Separation, so what was the point right now other than spending money that I did'nt need to be spend right now. (His lawyer is free, he's a friend). Have your lawyer postpone or pull the papers back for awhile, till your sure anyway please. More conversation about the bills, the suburban payment's and the mileage he has put on it, stateing I would'nt want it anyway because it's 5 month's old and with the trip he just took it now has over 10,000 miles, with driving the distance for work. He might trade it get something else used to get the payments down, and later on we could get another after things have settled. He asked about my support group, I filled him in on this whole disscussion board and how you all have helped me to keep my head straight. He asked about my bills and how much will it cost him if he were to come home to catch the bills up again. I told him nothing everything is up to date. He said how many house payments are you behind, I said none. He said none, you've been going out buying supplies and paying someone money to work on it, and looking down at my shoes says new shoes too, The potatoe business must be doing really well ! I said I'm doing the best I can. We talked about counseling, and he said he had been thinking very seriously about going, I think he's gonna start. He said I see your mom has a new car it's brown. I said yes how'd you know that, he said I still go over there (the ow that he claims is just an old friend) a couple times a week, and told me not to get mad but he had promised to help her put up her x-mas light's Sunday so he'd be over there. I tried my best to act like it did'nt bother me, and said yea I know you already had plans, and got off the subject. More talk then after about 2 hours he said can I intice you to the bedroom and to stay the night ? Long story short I did. Woke this morning first words out of his mouth was Thank You I said your welcome, but I have to get going. He said it's a good thing you showed up last night, because I was gonna somehow get up with you. Gave me a hug and kiss and I left, half way home I called him on my cell phone.
Told him I was calling to see if his mom still called in the morning, he said no, but I know calling to make sure I did'nt fall back to sleep, he said no I'm sitting here drinking a cup of coffee. He said I did'nt get much sleep last night, so I'll be home tonight I won't be going anywhere. I said yea I probally will too.One thing I don't think he knows is I definately don't need to pay the lawyer now, and if he wants to still go forward with this he has to refile the paper work now. Last night nullified everything as far as that goes.Well what do you think ?Appreciate any advise on how to proceed !Debby [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Debby, Have you ever gone to the site Gentle and I mentioned? www.restorem.org? It is good. If you send me an email at morriggs@yahoo.com, I have the book in ebook form. You can print it out (160pages) or save it to a floppy, but please read it.
Barb

Morrigs,Thanks for your help here.Yes I have been to that site, it is a good one.I know god and everything, and leaving it in his hands.But I need to know how to go and handle things now, I've come to far to mess up now.E-mail, surmay@sccoast.netThanks alot I'll read the book, thanks again,Debby [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

wow good for you surmay [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
it looks like this has a real chance to make it!you definatley need to talk about the things that make you happy, as a couple. sounds like the first time communication broke down...am i right?ive been lurking reading your thread since you started it, never had good advice for you tho [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] back when everyone <doctor , hubby> was begging you to talk to him , and you wouldnt i was ready to choke you LOL
it seemed as if all he really NEEDED was to talk , and when you did things got better didnt they? at least by degrees. you both have a long way to go but it sure looks like at least the door is open for talking and loving now...keeo it up [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] and keep us posted too, CONGRATS on the ground you HAVE made!

soulmate11,Thanks so much for responding and offering your congad's and of course advise.It's been a very hard time for me , him, the family.I did'nt want to talk to him for a few different reasons.1. He had been angry for so long, he was just starting to come around and verbalize but it was still so filled with anger. I had tried to talk for month's he did'nt want too, shut me out.2. I was now afraid to meet with him at this point because of the anger he felt, I just thought he needed some more time to vent and get it out.3. I guess I was also afraid of what he might say, his words had been so harsh. I did'nt want to be hurt anymore.But I guess the timing was finally right !We've continued to talk, everyday and night.He's been to consoling with me and has set up some for himself.He had a couple of days off work, he came to where I sell produce both days he was off and helped me out.Came to our home last night reconnected with the baby, and had dinner with us.The baby thrw a fit when she had to go to bed because she knew daddy would'nt be there when she woke. He tried to asure her we were truing to work things out, and he told her daddy was coming home real soon. That really did'nt me anything to her though because he's been gone so long, and she's just afraid he'll be again. She's a daddy's girl, even though she's not his biological child, he's the only dad she's ever known.Everything so far is going great !I only pray it continues on this path.Again thanks for your encouragement. And believe me I could understand your never having anything to say. It's been a very crazy and mixed up 3 month's for us all.Thanks again,Debby [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]