Debby,<p>You go girl!!!<p>I was surprised by your post. Two weeks and so you are doing so much better. You're getting stronger and learning you can live with him or without him. <p>There will be days when you want him back and days when you don't. At first you'll usually see more days wanting him back. Later this will change depending on his response. I think it all just depends on his response as to which eventually wins out.<p>The more time that goes by, if he ever does decide to want to come back, perhaps you can set some guidelines down as to what you want and need from him, as well as talk to him about the things he expects from you. I would say get a Policy of Joint Agreement and both fill out EN questionnaire if he does lean towards reconciliation. If he can't do these and decides not to make it work, you will be better off without him. <p>Take care girl and you should be so proud of your accomplishments.<p>ANNA

Hi All,<p>To begin with again thanks for the words of advise, don't really know what I'd do without everyone. I've really come to depend on you being here, thanks !<p>No I did not hear from his attorney or mine, I've been wondering all day if that was a good or bad sign.<p>Anyhow to pick my boy's up from a school dance (their first), and on the way I stopped off at the graveyard. Husband left me a note on my friend gravestone either last night or tonight. He was drinking because along side of his tombstone was a coor's light (crushed), this is his brand.<p>This is his note ! Please help me to read between the lines so to speak.<p>Debbie,<p>I like how you keep crying to everyone, now your lawyer. (24 - 7) Yea blame us being togeather all the time for our break up ! Try your computer 24 - 7, sometimes I could have burnt that thing up.<p>Don't take the blame for ------ up our relationship, when your in public. No, I did'nt give you any attention or love ! That's what you tell the guy's at Choc's and they're all over you. Yea even at the Red Lion, dressed all up, makeup the whole nine yards.<p>Well if your looking for someone else, stop crying how much you want me. I'm getting pissed off hearing all this stuff. If you were here right now I'd bend you over a tombstne & ---- the ---- out of you.<p>Sorry for the language above, but I figured if I did'nt put it all down you would'nt get the full gest of his letter.<p>To begin with the two places he's talking about are the places we use to go togeather. I have not been to either place in almost 2 weeks. In fact I have'nt been anywhere. <p>He states mem are all over me, untrue !<p>I have'nt cried in a month anyhow, in public I mean. <p>Now I've classed myself up a bit, cut my hair, colored, started dressing up and yes make up. None of which I use to do. Now he thinks I'm out looking for someone else.<p>Poor computer, yes I do spend to much time on it, but I did'nt like what he was watching on tv, so I figured so what.<p>Does'nt want me but he gonna have sex with me if I were there !<p>Help me to understand please ! The man files for separation does not want me or love me. Am I doing something right or wrong here. Am I seeing jealousy ? If I want someone else, is he saying he is'nt sure now himself ? Or am I reading all of this wrong ?<p>Help, I really need it now, so I don't screw up any more !<p>Debby

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by surmay:
<strong><p>Well if your looking for someone else, stop crying how much you want me. I'm getting pissed off hearing all this stuff. If you were here right now I'd bend you over a tombstne & ---- the ---- out of you.<p>Debby</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Now there's a place I can say I haven't "done" it at! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Sheesh! That just sounds morbid to me.<p>Is he on drugs? Just asking.<p>Well, here's what I would do. I would back off big time. Not respond to the letter. I know it sounds weird but he is getting angry because he's starting to miss you. I would let him make the next move.<p>If he starts talking about getting back together, if you want him back then you guys may want to discuss the issues of TV and computer. Talk about negotiating time spent, on taking turns on picking tv programs and having other interest. Let him know you realize you have things to work on too.<p>Take care,<p>ANNA<p>[ November 15, 2001: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</p>

Thanks Anna,<p>I appreciate your input here. No he's not on drugs of any kind, just to set that straight. Morbid ? <p>Anyhow, I guess what you just stated was kinda what I thought he was saying also, but was'nt wanting to read more into it than there really was. <p>Or maybe that's what I was hopeing he was saying !<p>Also, if no one had answered me with suggestions I figured it was time to back off and be quiet, my time for him to start the chase.<p>I really wanted to pick up the phone and give him a piece of my mind, but don't worry I've come to far to do that ! But I really wanted too !<p>Thanks again,<p>Debby

I need some quick advise !<p>I have caller ID om my phone. The phone rang twice I answered without checkimg to see who it was, as soon as I said hello they hung up. I then checked the caller ID and it was my husband.<p>Why did he do that ? It's the first time he has called here since he left ! Was he checking to see if I went out. Calling to tell me off some more or what ? And then why hang up ?<p>Debby<p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Dear Surmay,<p>I said it before and I will say it again, please go to the www.restorem.org. Order the womens book
if you care about your marriage. You are too concerned with what is going on in your husband's
head. Take care of your thoughts first. True love is not a game. There is a lot going on here and you really need to hear truth...God's truth.I know these things because I have lived them. I shamed my husband in ways I never knew. Stop talking to everyone else about him and seek God on this. The choice is yours...if you don't stop you are going to run him off. This is not about being right. Stop the blame game. He can love you and hate you at the same time. Ask yourself, what is more important your marriage or being right?
You cannot control him or change him. When you hear what God has to say about marriage, you will see, as I so painfully did, you have done a lot wrong also. We are not to decide which wrong is greater. We can't we are all human. It doesn't matter anyway. Just realize we are ALL sinners and must work on ourselves first in order to have a blessed marriage. Don't uncover your husband
so much. If you love him respect him. It must start with you since you want the marriage.<p>I don't mean to be hard on you, I am just trying
to share the only thing I have found that helps.
How bad do you want your marriage? Bad enough to let God work in and through you?<p>I say these things out to love for you and your marriage.<p>gentle<p>[ November 17, 2001: Message edited by: gentle ]</p>

With the way he's been acting and writing, I'm afraid of what he might say. Thus upsetting me and the new me image I've been trying so hard to build, to show him how I've changed.<p>I don't want to mess things up any more than they already are. I only dream of makeing it better.<p>Debby [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Surmay,<p>I don't really understand your reply. Your husband is upset with you. You cannot try and create a new image. You must be new for real. This takes time and pain. There is no quick fix. Make the changes real and lasting. Your husband is more concerned with the inside of you than the outside. You want to know why your husband is acting this way...get the book and read it. The answers are in there if you are ready to hear them.<p>I pray you HEAR this message.
I will not bother you again about this. If you decide to really work on your marriage let me know. I will be around and I will keep praying for you.<p>gentle

My life has never been a game ! I have tried harder at putting my marriage back togeather than anything I ever worked on in my life.
I'm just trying to figure out what's going on with him. He was acting and talking a certain way before, now it all seems to be changing.<p>I have made no contact in over a week, and have not been to any of these places he speaks of in about 2 weeks.<p>So if you will try this one on now, another letter he left at the graveyard, but I did'nt get it until today.<p>Friday, 8:00 pm 11-10-01<p>Well I passed you on Hwy. 90 last night about 7:00 - 7:30, so you were here early. To bad I did'nt catch you here.<p>Well I hear you and Mike S. are an item. Last weekend at Red Lion then at Choc's later that night. Good catch Debbie. He can help you finish your house and he's hung like a horse ! I guess your calling his name more than you ever called mine.<p>What I can't figure out is, is if you have all these guys falling over you then what the hell do you want me for ?<p>Yea, keep telling everyone your dressing up and doing your hair and wearing make-up for me. Yea right, when do you expect to run into me on the south end. I'm not hanging out there or anyplace you know to look for me. You asked me to trust you, yea right.<p>I did'nt see any damage on the Jeep when you went through town on Wednesday afternoon, another lie ?<p>Remember I talked about meeting with a girlfriend and a mutual male friend wanted to join us going to another place. This was that night.<p>What am I suppose to do, say, act ? Is he looking for excuses to stay away, or is he listening to talk again and it's backfiring and getting to him ? What I don't understand ! The Jeep I told him it was just the bumper. Obviously he's seeing me when I'm not seeing him. I asked him to trust me a year ago, before we ever got married. I've never cheated, ever or even gav him any reason to think so. He can go to a females friends house everyday for about a month and I'm suppose to believe she's just a friend. What does he think he can have female friends but I can't have male friends ? <p>Help I really don't understand at all where he is coming from or want's from me !<p>Debby<p>

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Thanks so much for all your input, I do defineatley need all the help I can get.<p>It seems the harder I try the more and more confussing all this gets.<p>I was just wondering, some seem to be weiry of weather or not he'd hurt me. Well I really in my heart of hearts don't think so, but as you say jealousy does weird things to people.<p>It crossed my mind with his last letter of. Now that he thinks I've went out and screwed around on him, will he go screw around on me. I mean out of revenge, I owe it to you, or just plain hurt ?<p>I know I can't controll what he says or does ! Just did'nt know if somehow I should say something in a note to him that it's not true, or let him steam some more. His phone call that he hung up was Saturday night about 7:40 pm his day off, he was more than likely headed out the door to go out somewhere.<p>What's your opions ?<p>Debby<p>
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I hope I did'nt mess up but ! <p>I dropped a note off at the graveyard for him. It simply said <p>I've never lied to you
I've never cheated on you
So I'm very sorry you feel the way you do<p>I really hope I have'nt messed up ! I'd run back out there and get it, but I'm afraid any time between now and 11:00 he might be there. Maybe late tonight I'll run back out there and get it if he had'nt been there.<p>Debby<p>
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Hi All,
Went to my counselor today ! She's not a this type of counselor but she understands and is familiar with the techniques. <p>She is a counselor paid for by his work, it's called the IEP program. It's suppose to be for employees and their spouses to try and keep them togeather and much more. Anyway they give you 8 sessions a piece, I used my 6th one today. <p>He started going once before but was never regular missed a bunch of appointments and they finally dropped him from the program. He can start up again anytime he likes but nothing as of yet. So she knows alittle bit about him before we split up anyhow. <p>Which is really why I decided to go to her because she did know something of his side. She really has helped me along, (of course also with you all) to stay straight and on course so to speak. She is the reason I found this group, she told me to go onto the internet and get into a support group and told me what to type in for the search.<p>Anyhow I filled her in on what's been going on in the last week since I was in, and showed her his letters. She point blank told me he is wanting to meet with me to talk. Also said I should do it if I want to keep him communacating. She knows him somewhat too, she says he's this way now and that way the next time. In other words he's been very wishy-washy, mood changes with the weather since all this has been going on.<p>But she also says not to go to his house. He might be playing a game, you never know and call the law on me for tresspassing. Or wind up in a big arguement senting me out crying and taking many steps backwards.<p>She says to meet him preferably in a place where other people are, but mostly meet with him before he's had anything to drink. (He's not a drunk or anything, but when he gets off work he likes to drink a few, and also on his day off. ) When we were togeather he was'nt allowed to drink around the house when the kids were there. He never stopped after work either.<p>My counselor say's I should voice myself over the things he's saying that are not true, because that's how he's trying to communacate with me. She says that he really does'nt understand himself either, he's wanting me to prove his wandering mind wrong. She says I don't have to prove anything to him. She says to ask him if he can look himself in a mirror with clean thoughts because I know I can. She had alot more than that to say but, mostly to keep away from anything that may prevoke an arguement. And if I feel to uncomfortable or I don't like the conversation, to politely excuse myself and tell him we'll try again at another time.<p>I told her right now I really did not want to talk to him in person, because I'm afraid there would be an arguement. It seems to me that he's not really ready to work on anything just yet, and I'll wind up being the one hurting again.
I told her that maybe I'd give the leaving notes back and forth a try, because this way I have time to think before I answer. Also gives him time to think also, and we also have the choice of saying nothing at all right then and there.<p>What do you all think ?<p>Debby<p>

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Here's the latest ! Yes there's another letter. I guess in a way it's like doing e-mail like a few other's are doing with their spouses except we both have to phycically drive to get the responses. But as you and others have said, whatever works keep doing it. And oh how I pray it's working ! Here's the letter, some of it crued as usual, but seem to me to be softing up alittle. Tell me what you think !<p>11-19-01<p>You never Lied !<p>How about I'd never hurrt you financially - How about $***.** you charged on the ATT card when we were fighting and after we broke up. $***.** to Walmart the rest to CU BIDD - Which I called because the number was on the credit card bill. <p>Nice computer system you have or maybe I'll have. <p>Maybe I was wrong about Mike, even though you asked him to go to the bar with you.<p>But after further investation I've found out that Mike is not interested in you, but you are seeing someone else. So I guess I woun't feel guilty when I do stick my [censored] in someone else.<p>Sorry Debbie, then you wonder why I don't trust you.<p>Thanks for answering the last two letter's, but if you were not lying you'd have been at my place or on the phone.<p>Well that was the third letter from him in less than a week. I know it's still not good but at least he's talking so to speak. After really no real communication since September 22, 2001. <p>I left him a note back that simply said - In the separation papers you said you wanted no contact with me, now this. Which way do you want it - I'm confused.<p>Wish me luck and please continue to give me your support and advise. I would never have gotten to this point with him if it had'nt been for all of your help.<p>Thank You,<p>Debby<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi everyone,<p>Thanks for reading my post and of course for your continued support for me and my situation from everyone one of you.<p>This morning I went by the graveyard and here's his newest letter he left. 11-20-01<p>Which one is it, I don't know. I didn't hang up when you did call now did I ?<p>I can't figure you out either, you wouldn't let me spend money ($136.00) to finish the back of the house in the right color. But you spend $250.00 to have multicolor siding and aluminum material over rotten wood. Yeah Steve.<p>You didn't even feel me last night. I stood on your front porch and wanted to knock on the window but didn't. Yeah 8:00 pm I was there.<p>Then my phone rang around 10:00 pm three times and no one wanted to talk to me. And when I did *69 I couldn't get the call back, so I put the block on my phone *82. So now you can't even call me. It won't except a call from a blocked number. <p>But yeah, you Haven't answered anything yet. But you want me to trust you. How can I ?<p>Don't answer this, this week because I won't get it, next week if you want to. <p>--------------
Now I'm really at a loss ! Is this really starting to work ? Or now that he says don't answer now, because I'm responding to quickly ?<p>Steve is the guy I had put my sising up, evidently he has spoken to him also.<p>He was actually at my house, and I guess I was suppose to feel his presents.<p>I did'nt call his house, and I do have a private number so it won't show up. But I guess he does'nt know I can unblock it for a call if I choose.<p>He's still on the trust thing. I don't know what he wants me to tell him. I've already said I have'nt lied and I have'nt cheated.<p>Help again please, I could really use the input here. I've been able to come this far by the grace of god and all of your help, I don't want to lose it now.<p>I did leave a note, it simply said. Another hoilday gone by ! Happy Thanksgiving !<p>I'd love to hear any and all suggestions about this whole thing.<p>Debby

Thanks ever so much everyone for all advise and encouragement. I hope each and everyone of you have had a wonderful Thanksgiving !<p>Debby<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I haven't read the entire thread, just this last page.<p>You are both reaching out to each other. Why weren't you at his door? Because you had no idea that is what he wanted, and he's told you his NEED after the fact. Why didn't you feel him on your porch, kind of juvenile, but same idea as above.<p>Now, go knock on his door, get on the computer together, read this site together. Do the questionaires, spend your next pay check with Dr. Harley. And, POJA, POJA, POJA, these trust and money issues.<p>Someone has to reach out first, looks like it needs to be you until he understands all that is here at this web site. <p>Take Care, Take A Chance<p>V

Hi InShock,<p>Thanks so very much for your advise. <p>My husband must be out of town for the holidays, I imagine to his parent's house in New Jersey.<p>As far as going to his house I have thought about it and have even tried it before. <p>The last time I showed up at his house when he had said something that was'nt true, and would'nt talk to me on the phone. <p>He told me to get out of his house, threaten to call the police, and threated to get a restraining order on me. <p>All because he really just did'nt want to listen to what I had to say. Yes that time I did wind up begging and pleading for him to listen and not to do this, and was still told to get out it's over.<p>So if I were to go again this time he probally would have me locked up.<p>Help,<p>Debby<p>
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I believe my husband went out of town for the hoildays, probally his parents in NJ.<p>But, I suppose he is back in town by now, for I'm sure he'd have to go into work today.<p>You know I would have thought that since he was starting to make half way desent contact with me that no matter where he was he'd of called.<p>He could have called at a time when he could leave a Happy Thanksgiving on my answering machine, he knows I would'nt have been home Thanksgiving day anyway that I'd be at my parent's house.<p>He's always been the sentimental type, he always called or bought me something no matter where he was or whatever in the past was going on.<p>Oh well maybe he's decided to go dark again. I guess I'll just have to wait and see if and when he leaves anything at the graveyard. Maybe sometime tonight or sometime in the next day or two.<p>Thanks for listening,<p>Debby<p>
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Hello Everyone,<p>Well, I suppose my husband is back in town now, for I'm sure he'd have to go into work today.<p>You know I would have thought that since he was starting to make half way desent contact with me that no matter where he was he'd of called.<p>He could have called at a time when he could leave a Happy Thanksgiving on my answering machine, he knows I would'nt have been home Thanksgiving day anyway that I'd be at my parent's house.<p>He's always been the sentimental type, he always called or bought me something no matter where he was or whatever in the past was going on.<p>Oh well maybe he's decided to go dark again. I guess I'll just have to wait and see if and when he leaves anything at the graveyard. Maybe sometime tonight or sometime in the next day or two.<p>Thanks for listening,<p>Debby<p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Hey everyone,<p>Here is my husbands latest letter dropped off at the graveyard !<p>Monday, 11-26-01<p>So your going to blame me for another bad holiday.<p>I don't think so, but I'm back in case you care any.<p>It's no different than last year, we didn't spend that one together or Christmas either.<p>
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Now to begin with I did'nt blame him for a bad holiday, in fact everything considered I had a pretty good one.<p>He's back what am I suppose to do, jump for joy ? Get back to writing letters with him, what ?<p>Just to get it straight, last Thanksgiving we were not even dating, talking yes but not dating.
Yes, Christmas we were apart we had had a fight, but I still got him gifts and gave them to him.<p>I still don't understand or no what he wants.<p>Also I did not leave him any response back. Really don't know what to say. <p>I know what I'd love to say, and that is answer everything he has said in every letter. <p>Also tell him I think he could possiably be right, to much water over the dam. <p>He created a new life, new circle of friends, new places to go, and even taking vaccations by himself. <p>(It's funny in a way. He can't afford to make the next family car payment, but he can afford to drive 700 miles and the spending money while there.) <p>Rubbing our split up in my face to all his family and ex-girlfriends up there. I know he went to his old stomping grounds, he use to be a bouncer in a club before moving here.<p>Oh well, I guess it's another day of blowing off steam !<p>Anyway any input here on his letter's this one or any of the others, or any combination of letter's would greatly be appreciated.<p>
Thanks again you all !<p>Debby<p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]