Define "ready to date again" - Marriage Builders® Forums

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I posted another thread about telling your kids about dating....and someone mentioned "being ready to date again".

So, what exactly do folks think that means? LOL

I never dated before....my wife was "chosen" at age 12...her and I really didn't even date...we moved into something...and then moved into marriage. But I wouldn't say there was ever a "dating" period.

So, at 34 now, I guess I am dating for the first time. 13 years of marriage, that's 3.1 years of time to wait....and wait....for what?

I have SO MANY QUESTIONS about myself, in that I have to brake totally free of the turnicate in which I was raised (religion) and also need to break free of the marriage in which I lived (extremely unhealthy mentally). So many things that I realize held me back in life, in a fixed position, a combination of lack of compatability, a tremendous fear of divorce and moving on becuase the the impact on the kids, religious wrappings, etc.

I'm fairly certain I have broken all those chains...but I am also certain that the handcuffs that bound me to the walls are still on my wrists. I suspect they always will be. Especially since it seems the questions one asks about how it can be, should be, etc. can't really be answered until one meets other people.

Anyways, so what does "being ready" mean FOR YOU?

I made a plan when I was 12...I picked my career, my final destination in that career, how I'd live, and whom I'd marry. Well, it is all true, except the marriage part...that part is gone. So, yeah, now I don't make plans about tomorrow. That's not a bad thing here, it's good. In other words, I'm open to daily re-evaluation...and change! Unlike before.

So, what does "being ready" mean to you?

I am not ready to date. It's been 2 28 months since I lived with X, and divorced for 8 months.
I still have alot of work to do on myself increasing my emotional intelligence before I can feel confident about making the right choices.
Now, my focus is on my children, and minimizing the impact on them, and getting settled into our new house.

I'm worried that Dating may take the focus off of them, and they are the most important people in this. They need a full time parent to help them adjust to the changes (even though I'm not with them all the time). Many people get distracted by dating after a divorce, and involve other people too early in the children's lives. For me, I don't think it's fair to my children to do this, so I choose to wait.

What newly said and more.

1. The reality of the death of your marriage.

2. Being able to live alone, or with your kids, feeling comfortable that you can make it alone. Learning who you are. What you want. Future goals, dreams etc.

So many times, marriages happened out of economice, children coming, our own insecurities etc. It is time to undo the damage done and learn how to live again. Being with someone for a long time doesnt just end with a signature.

3. Learning how to make choices, but more importantly, the right ones.

4. Your learning experience. Understand it. Trust it. Dont fall into the same trap.

If we were to jump into another relationship right away, it defines ourselves.

Insecurity, Need for sex ( you will find that it isnt as important as you thought) Need for a team rather than to try alone and succeed.

5. Emomtional Baggage brought into a new relationship hurts the new one. I have a freind who just left a relationship that was started too soon after the separation. She tormented him with her problems dealing with kid issues, bills, child support etc. She realized it and broke it off. He was devistated. Now she is taking a time out. To get her head together. To just focus on herself and kids. We all learn at different paces, so only you can define yours.

Ah...OK, I understand what you are saying....

There's no way anyone would ever get between my kids and I. I can understand that fear...but there's not a chance that could happen.

As for sex, I am STUNNED how my "desire" for sex is SO RADICALLY reduced now that the miserable marriage is gone. I can only assume it was "part of my plan" or something...LOL.

I know from reading Frued and Jung's work...Jung describes me fairly well. My personal ambition and energy comes from wanting to understand, from wanting to know WHY, not from a sexual desire as freud described.

Somehow, apparently, being in a bad loveless marriage, it seemed to bring out this desire for sex, that I no longer feel. Rather, I seek understanding. Odd.

As far as being happy alone, LOL, I've never been as happy as I have been in these past 8 months. I think mp22 would totally agree as well....and it seems that sometimes things are held on to that should have been let go LONG AGO.

I think everyone should define “dating” first. Casually dating, playing the field, is something entirely different from dating to find a mate. And people are probably ready for this kind of thing before they’re ready for a “relationship.”

And how do you know you’re ready until you try? Sometimes “not being ready” is an excuse.

On the other hand, the realities of being a working, divorced custodial parent are such that we don’t have time for anything more than the most casual of dates even when we’re ready!

[B][/B] <blockquote>quote:<hr /> There's no way anyone would ever get between my kids and I. I can understand that fear...but there's not a chance that could happen. <hr /></blockquote>You say this now. But watch people you know. The infatuation stage and attraction are strong. You want to spend time with your new amore, and suddenly, there isn't as much time to spend with the kids or on the house, or getting stuff done.
Some people just replace one bad relationship with another. I say, Why bother?
I want a real, good relationship, not just somebody. I've done that before and it wasn't worth it.

And now I need to do the paperwork for my "church" divorce, so I'll be reliving everything again, and need to discuss it in front of a panel of priests.

I agree newly....rebound is common. I see it everywhere...but I don't see it in me.

I have no interest in "finding sex". I have no expectation of "meeting my new wife".

But I do have an interest in meeting people, woman, to talk and to learn.

I have my kids 5 nights a week...I don't have much time for such things...I understnad that. But, I have indeed been amazed to learn that not all woman are represented by my X. LOL

Of course, I already knew that, if from nothing else, from my experiences here on MB. LOL

Great topic,

I too feel that I used sex as a release from a bad married life. It was great, dont get me wrong but I miss it but not like I thought I would. STBXW said men think about it at least 10 times a day. Not me ever. If I walked in the door and she was there and said, lets do it, ain gotta tel twice. But with the impending divorce, the trial and tribulations of dealing with her, I have very little desire and I too would rather talk to a woman than ravage her. I think it is a defense mechanism in us that says to put it on hold, keep it in our pants, take matters into our own hands, and the many other cliche's there are.

Great subject! I've a few different men in the past few months. All of them were really very nice. Only one was somehow with whom I would entertain the thought of moving forward. But it wasn't to be. (Best part was we'd known each other in our previous lives but only to see.)

When that relationship was confirmed purely platonic it seemed to signal to me the need for some time on my own with my kids.

I'm really comfortable with that. I'm glad to know I'm not the only person who doesn't feel the need for romance. Maybe I'm just meant to be on my own with my kids.

Right now.

I’ll take my romance in mild flirting for now. This morning I thought about sharing my home with another man. (I did first think about having my STBX back in the home.) And you know what? The whole thing made me feel sick. I don’t want to change, adapt, sacrifice or compromise for a long while. I may not be the best candidate for a relationship.

I think it varies according to each person's needs and what they have come out of. I can see where those who suffered abuse, violence, or otherwise very harsh circumstances would need more time and assistance in recovery. Some of those may never have the inclination to marry again, which is understandable.

For myself, I have lived alone for 1 year now and D will be finalized shortly. I felt a release from ANY attachment to her after about 6 months. Our M was realistically one of detachment for many years, anyway, so my recovery time has been relatively short. Neither of us were perpetrators or victims of abuse or violence. I still have no idea why she actually abandoned the M but it's a moot point by now.

I am ready to move on and the Lord has opened a door of a new family for me, and for that I am so grateful. The past is the past. I have learned some hard lessons and sought earnestly to change myself. My next M will be successful and fulfilling. I have perfect peace and contentment at this point.

I'm not sure how to define "ready to date again," but I am not quite yet.

I haven't been on a date since I was 17, and met my now exH. We were together for 12 years before the separation, married for 7. The prospect of dating still scares me. A couple of days ago, the same day my divorce was final, a friend of mine suggested we go try "speed dating" (where you meet about 10 different people, for about 5 minutes each, etc.) sometime soon and I just couldn't stop laughing at her suggestion. There is NOT A CHANCE that am I ready for that.

Greengables said: <blockquote>quote:<hr />I think everyone should define “dating” first. Casually dating, playing the field, is something entirely different from dating to find a mate. And people are probably ready for this kind of thing before they’re ready for a “relationship.” <hr /></blockquote>Even though I don't feel ready for dating, I guess maybe some casual dating would makes sense before more serious stuff. However, my goal is to find a man to have a healthier marriage with and to have children with. I think I'd have trouble wasting time with anyone that I didn't think were capable of a serious "relationship" and that didn't have having children as an important goal in their life.

Something else you said greengables that I can completely understand is this: <blockquote>quote:<hr />I’ll take my romance in mild flirting for now. This morning I thought about sharing my home with another man. (I did first think about having my STBX back in the home.) And you know what? The whole thing made me feel sick. I don’t want to change, adapt, sacrifice or compromise for a long while. I may not be the best candidate for a relationship.<hr /></blockquote>During the past year and a half or so of my separation was the first time in my life that I ever lived alone. I don't think I could even begin to fathom living with someone, anyone right now, not even a female roommate. I am enjoying not having to compromise or adapt for anyone right now. I'd have to meet someone pretty amazing in order to be willing to give this independence up I think.

Just my thoughts on the topic,

Jen

I think another really interesting questions along these lines is:

How do you know when to end a relationship? And do you do it as soon as you feel it?

I've never really dated, I've never broken up, so it's not something I've ever done.

It seems to me VERY OBVIOUS that one would know...and as soon as one does, then you break up.

But is that what really happens? Do you meet someone, feel a little intrigued, and date a bit...and then when you see signs of the first "WHAT_OH", do you just walk away?

So many people seem NOT to do that, right? Whether it be for security, for sex, to use someone...whatever the reason.

Speed dating...LOL...that actually sounds like it could be fun. It would be very fun to see how quickly you can assess people...and answer the question about if there'd be any possibility of a future.

I think it is wifty who writes about being able to assess someone in just a few minutes, or much less, and in many ways, I totally believe in that.

But I agree, there's a HUGE difference between casual dating, which I will define as things like dinner, talking, NOT sex, NOT serious thoughts of spending life together...LOL. Anyways, causual dating and then "looking with a purpose".

On that note, that also greatly affects the answer of "When do you know when to dump someone"

A causual date, I'll call that more of a new friend. Whereas a romantic thing, with thoughts of a future, that's far more.

Maybe it is those thoughts about the future that DEFINE if it is a casual thing or not...Interesting.

bp22,

I am rarely lurk here but your thread caught my eyes.

I am done w/ my M when the judge grant me change of status. I have no bitterness toward the whole thing I know I had done my best. However I wasn't ready back then b/c I have personal goals/issues that I would like to acomplish/resolve and also there is financial settlement that I need to watch out for. I guess it is more like I don't want to bring someone else even as GF into my life before everything is done. Now the financial settlement is done, I am ready go back into the market <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> . I define ready by putting a closure to my Dv and issues such that I am not contaminating my next R.

I am also learning about dating now ... my exW is my first date. I got into one mishap just last month on my first try. How to break it off ? ... If you saw a red flags you should be up front and walk away from the tought of R. I would not walk away from friendship if both of you enjoy each other company.

Yes, there is "Just friend" & "friend w/ potential for R". I think you have to communicate what you want up front & open so that both of you are on the same page at all time.

I have a question for you.

We all know MB concept to build love: ENs, LBs, Time, Honesty. Isn't this putting her at disadvantage situation ?. Are you going to use them w/o telling her ? What is your take on this ?.

Personally, I don't use it unless she know about it too and we are in committed R. I am not intentionally use MB to access her LB$. If who I am and what I am capable of match hers ENs and/or LBs that is super. However I am not going out my way to intentionally "change" or try to fillin hers. I need one reason ... unless and until we are in committed R, I would not do that. BTW, she knows MB too but other issues that she brought in make R going south.

-rh-

Redhat...

I like what you said about "ready" being when you have let it all go...and won't bring it into the new relationship.

Are you asking if I would speak MB talk to a new lady? Or would I hand her a couple of books someday, when I suspected a chance of seriousness in our relationship?

I don't know....maybe. I think I would bring up all the ideas of MB, albeit perhaps not in MB lingo. I certainly have my long list of questions that I developed over the past couple of years here...and these would all be seriously explored. Would I tell her this? Or would I just explore them?

I don't know. I guess much depends on how she was...if she might be taken back by such a thing, offended, etc. Hmmmm....I suspect the time would come when I would bare all...and have to reveal all my posts here...LOL...and that would actually be fine. I've never said anything that was part of my evolution...and I have nothing to hide.

So, yes, I do think that someone whom has learned some of the relationships skills/concepts from here has an "advantage" over someone who hasn't. I don't think these things are rocket science...but they ARE important to a successful relationship. They are all, indeed, very fundamental.

So, I think I'd see how tings went...and eventually I'm sure I bring up the whole marriage builders thing...and maybe even hand her a book or two. But certainly not initially.

If I saw problems, I think I'd just run. LOL I'd never hope that MB concepts can chnage her.

In fact, I'd NEVER want to try and change anyone....or act in a special way for me. If it isn't natural, it IS going to cause resentment. So, I'd never use MB to "change someone". Just myself. LIkewise, I would not change myself against my will for another...to suddenly start doing something...that's not a good sign. UNLESS that thing is a new, fun thing that you have discovered.

I'm ALL for "going places I wouldn't go alone"...physically and figuratively. It seems that respect, compatability, and trust...the three pillars I call them...they can bring about all sorts of great things.

bp22,

You are ready ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . However take it easy.

About changes ... well in MB we have to learn and be able to fillin our mate's ENs !. You could wait a long time before you find one that has it naturally and you for her too !. You want to change for her and vice versa. The change comes from choice - Love is a choice. Read again giver&taker and instinct&habit. As long as you learn to be a smart giver & taker you will be fine.

Have you read Buyer, renter and freeloader ?. It is a good book ...

-rh-

Redhat said:
"We all know MB concept to build love: ENs, LBs, Time, Honesty. Isn't this putting her at disadvantage situation ?. Are you going to use them w/o telling her ? What is your take on this ?.

Personally, I don't use it unless she know about it too and we are in committed R. I am not intentionally use MB to access her LB$. If who I am and what I am capable of match hers ENs and/or LBs that is super. However I am not going out my way to intentionally "change" or try to fillin hers. I need one reason ... unless and until we are in committed R, I would not do that. BTW, she knows MB too but other issues that she brought in make R going south."

I was pleased to see this response from Redhat. This is what I've been thinking I'll do when it's time for me, and to see that someone I respect from these boards sees it this way too makes me think that I might be getting it finally? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Note to Redhat while I'm here--thank you so much for all the terrific advice and explanations you gave to other posters over the past few years. You were helping me too and I appreciate it!

LovingBoundaries,

You are welcome. It has helped me too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

-rh-

<blockquote>quote:<hr />So, what does "being ready" mean to you?
<hr /></blockquote>well, let me try from my own experience.
my first date, well, i wasn't ready, i had flashbacks with the X, i was needy, i craved attention from any female that had a great sense of humor . . .

how do i know now if i am ready? well, first, i don't look at "dating" as a word in my vocabularly. i meet people, and study people, and not until i can figure out another's motivations from simple interaction, did i feel comfortable in being in a committed relationship. . .

second, probabilities. . very low for success as the older one gets. . . the pool becomes filled with emotionally weak people. . . there are still some good ones, but very hard to find. . . . . my X loves the dating scene. . . but her dates are total losers. . not my kind of interest. .

know yourself, be comfortable with yourself, and be able to NOT make a commitment to anyone else is important. . . because you want to find the right person. .. and there are many to meet. . mostly casually. . .

now, the weirdest part of my life has been living with my parents for the last 9 months. . . why? because they both have very similar behaviors to my X wife. . . ugh, that means that i made an unconscious match with someone i don't particular like the qualities of. . . just because they were familiar patterns that i grew up with. . .

and the worst is that i acted like my dad when i was dating my X, and that is not me. . . at all. . .so when i became me, at about age 32 . . . my X did not like me at all .. . and my parents only now begin to understand me . . . not badly, but in the way that i handle myself with respect to others. . . and with them . . .

its very enlightening, and my current girlfriend, whom i have been with for awhile, . . is very much like me, and very unlike my parents, but matches me very well . . we are alike, . . not different, as with myself and my XW and my parents. . . so the key is to know yourself, and in knowing yourself, you can describe from where you came, why you like what you do, and why you don't. . . and what you dislike, and why, and if you can verbalize that, and stand by it. . . meaning, if the person has any qualities thatyou don't like, you don't continue "meeting"

by knowing yourself, by being able to say no to any what appears to be a good catch. . . right away. . . and to know why you said no, and why you would say yes. . . and then having the experience of doing it. .. you have never had much experience in saying no. . . now you have to practice it. . . and i have practiced it. . . and i continue to practice it. . .

wiftty

[ April 30, 2004, 01:14 AM: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by WhenIfindthetime:
 [QUOTE]. . . the pool becomes filled with emotionally weak people. . . there are still some good ones, but very hard to find. . . . .
wiftty <hr /></blockquote>My friends give me a hard time since I am going out with female not on my age bracket (10 yr. my junior). They don't understand what you have just posted. You seems have a lot of experience in dating, thanks for sharing.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />you learn the most from your mistakes and I have made more than most . . so I am wise with experience of what not to do!<hr /></blockquote>I could not help it ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> , where do you gain experience of what to do ?. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Live Learn & Love
-rh-

I have a book recommendation on the topic....

If the Buddha Dated by Charlotte Kasl

A therapist recommended it to me. I shared it with the group here a couple of years ago. Lots of people found it helpful and insightful.

Yes, I am a Christian. No, I wasn't offended by anything in the book. But I am not your textbook ultra-conservative Christian. I keep waiting for my church-affiliated college and high school to keep revoking my diplomas. But, I have occaisional email contact with a friend who is a fledgling minister and he finds many of my views insightful though non-traditional.

Wiffy,

I loved your reply! Great take on life. And I could be the poster child! Hey, you gotta laugh once in a while...

Yo Redhat!

He and I were on same path about 2 years ago and he is too cool!

Glad to hear you're getting out there...even if she is a y.w.

About the when to date thing...I think it doesn't come from a book. It's from inside. For me it was after being separated a long while and when papers were finally signed by judge. That's what it took. And when you also come to that place where you decide that the person you are is pretty good, then you're possibly ready imho.

Am also proceeding ahead but with trepidation. Dating 3 right now. And all are great guys. You cannot immediatley pick one and settle down. Gotta for sure be objective and think. But at same time, don't overthink as well or you'll short circuit your brain...lol...

Of the 3 the cute PA I am seeing is leading the pack. He's funny, articulate, and well educated and I like him for who he is on the inside. Plus there's this wierd tingly thing that sometimes happens when I see him at the practice. I think that used to be called "butterflies?". Been outta the dating world so long that I can barely remember.

Only slight bit of butterly action with other 2 guys though.

I swear...I have really wondered how the WS can do it. How they can so quickly settle for that other "one". It's taking me forever and I am not done yet. That's why I think most affairs won't last. How could you possibly know that the OP is the "one" if you aren't really free to actively date around and test everything out?

But alas...WE HAVE THAT LUXURY! Ha ha. WE do. We can go as slow as we want or as not so slow. Up to us. Maybe I've become a wayward dater...lol! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Peachy my lady ... ssshhhh, shame on you ... lol!, 3 at the same time ?. LOL!. Do they know that they are being juggled ?. Otherwise you are a wayward dater <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . Last year when I decided to look around I met someone that would be able to take my heart, mind & soul ... but I refused to be juggled (among other issues) and I let it go and become a very good friend. I only could "date" one person at a time, even it is just a friend w/ potential. It is just me. This is also the reason I have to run on the first red flag so that I won't get hurt. I would let them know very quickly one way or another what I am and who I am and see if she has some sparks on me. I won't do nothing more unless the feeling are mutual ... othewise I just pull back and be a friend to her.

Yeap, that butterfiles or knot on your tummy, that is the fun of it !. LOL!. However I would let those to settle down then make a rational decision. Yes, I never thought I have to date ... but life throw a curve at me. I just got dump <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> but I knew it wouldn't work, a test run. I am window shopping again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . Don't let Dopomine fog your judgement <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Cinderella, for Christian, there is no dating ... date only grows on the palm tree. No PA or EA until both parties are comitted <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . So far I am good <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> . There is a good book for Christian ... Finding a Lasting Love by D. Purnell.

Live Learn & Love

I might touch base on another aspect of dating - How about OTHERS expectations toward your dating or not dating?

As I get closer to my D finalization, I have many well-meaning friends who encourage me to date while some feel I should wait for some pre-prescribed period to even THINK about dating again. I'm not big on the dating scene as it is but by the grace of God a neat door has opened that will VERY likely not make dating an issue with me, anyway. But there are external pressures from society, church, family, and friends. How do you folks cope with all the expectations? How do cope with your own expectations?

I don't give a d@mn about what other expected of me. I am the one who will live in it. I know who I am and what I want.

One strong point. I would not date separated or divorcing woman. No matter how deep I fall for her or she fits every single things that I look for. I just can't bring myself into it. I would wait and see even I have to loose her. She is still M ! I don't buy that M is over ... even mentally or emotionally is over ... legally & morally it is not!. I waited 1 year from ending my M emotionally and 8 months from legally Dv before I even start looking. I start dating 1 years and 2 months after Dv'ed.

Take your time to heal and to fix yourself before you start even looking. If you still have anger and hurt, seek counseling. If you have unresolve emotional issues, seek counseling. You don't want to contaminate your next R with those bagage.

It is our chance to fresh start our life, it is a blessing and we don't want to waste that blessing.

Live Learn & Love -rh-

Redhat - of the 5 or 6 people who read the book - Jew, Christian, or aetheist alike - no one was offended. The book is not about dating, per se. It is about learning to love yourself so that you can give love as well as receive love.

cinderella, don't get me wrong that book is added to my growing list of books to read <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Spring is here and it is all about Love <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Got to run to start my single dad week <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

-rh-

Buddha book sounds good. It's about advice as it would seem, not really religious dogma. Cool idea Cindy.

And redhat, I am not juggling. I DO NOT have a C with any of these guys but am testing the water. I have this "runaway bride" syndrome and if I dated only one at a time, I'd run like heck after the third date. For me it's safer having one date on friday and another on saturday with somebody else (when son is not at home). I dont feel pressured or threatened. And no, I am not juggling as I am sure without a doubt that I might not be the only girl they're seeing either. And that's fair.

And no, the dopamine high is something I am LOOKING FORWARD to. Yea, it's starting to kick in a little, but I will not become a foggy slave to it like x is../was.. But butterflies are something I still don't get.

Basically, there's three now. There were FIVE. Yea, I said five. But I've been narrowing things down. I don't want to become a serial wayward dater at all. Am making a conscious effort to date around and not do what I did with xh...he was rebound for me as I had just broken up with college bf and he filled that EN void and seemed the perfect person...on the surface. Am taking much more time and doing the dating around that I should have done ten years ago...

This month makes 10 years I've known x. Wierd huh. Back to square one basically after 10 years. Freedom is nice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And I resound idea of NOT dating somebody separated or divorcing. It's not solved. The puzzle isn't completely together yet. There are pieces missing and the person isn't yet healed from what we've already come to understand about divorces. If you want maximum blessings, wait ok?

There's plenty of us out there...the good and the divorced...to date. If you meet Ms. or Mr. PErfect and they're either separated or divorcing, then what harm can come to wait on them. Tell them they can give you a shout later after the judge signs papers b/c you don't want to be somebody's biggest regret..Or have them be yours. That's what I'd say. Plus, who can rush perfection? Thats my thoughts now.

Met one thru work. Other I bumped into at a local hospital and knocked a whole bunch of papers out of his arms. Third guy went to college with my sis and bro in law and we have same friends from that time in our lives.

My next door neighbor is a recently divorced mom of one boy (five years older than mine) and met her bf thru online thing. I didn't believe in it but they're really happy. Her x also cheated on her and married the OP. She also reports to me same similar goings on with OP being watchful and overly jealous and that x is not terribly happy either. Meanwhile, she got her dignity back, and found the person of her dreams without the blood on her hands of an A relationship...

Don't you want to look in the mirror and absolutely love the person smiling back at you? Guilt would be such a hard pill to swallow plus we deserve happiness after all the crud we have gone thru.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by justpeachy:
 But butterflies are something I still don't get.
<hr /></blockquote>My theory. Butterflies cause by nervousness/eagerness from matching the fantasy part and the real part of him. The more you know and comfortable with him the knot will disappear and replace by something else ... dopamine high ??. I don't know.

As long as your dates know that they were juggled and you might be juggled too ... it is fair. I call it shopping around <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .
Hopefully the one that you want could move to the nexp page together.
-rh-

Ok...It's not something I prefer to discuss with whom I date. Unless the time comes when both he and I feel the need to make a committment, then the issue will not be visited...although I want to for sure know his views on marriage, cheating, family, role of man and woman, etc..

Somehow I think you can overcomplicate things by doing so. It's not like after a nice romantic dinner I am going to say "well this was nice Bob. Now don't get your hopes up just yet because you're being juggled and I hope for your sake that you're juggling me as well."

That would absolutely be dating suicide. Even putting it gently.

Have you ever played poker? You don't show your hand until it's the right time.

It's not being anything but a dater today. You see, we WERE used to being in a committed relationship for many years. And then, sure we owed our partners much more incluidng our intent. And now my intent is good, but they're not committed to me and I owe them nothing really except kindness and friendship. Same for them. If things are going well, we'll keep seeing each other and see where things go.

So far the HN had the "r" talk with me and it totally turned me off. I actually like my space right now and made a very difficult decision a few weeks ago when I for sure decided that I did NOT want to date a man with children. My son's been thru too much plus most of the guys who are doing the asking are about five years on average younger than me and don't have kids or were ever even married. HN had a wierd sitch where his xfiance got preggers and he got sole custody of his son. Which is admirable yes, but when my son was at the park and he showed up with his son, I could see the confusion spread across my son's little face. He doesn't want it to happen again like with his dad. So it won't.

You gotta be firm and decide what you DO want and what you DON'T want. That's why you should date around a good bit. And I was always the one guy kinda girl mind you. Two BF's in college and on the rebound from the last married Jethro.

I think we should define what we clearly want. This could be good. Maybe each of us could state our dating "objectives" just like we do in the first paragraph of a resume when applying for a job. For example:
ME: seeking educated, intelligent cute guy who values family and friends and wants children but doesn't have any now. Faith is important and so ability to laugh...alot. Must want to do half the chores and occasionally cook breakfasts on weekends and like to take vacations when work allows..one with family and other a romantic trip just because. And must want to send flowers sometimes just because. Must like the "just because" thing alot!

What I don't want: workaholic, serious drinker or gambler, no kids, past cheater or abuser, somebody rigid and unable to lighten up and laugh, somebody that believes he rules the house and that it's his castle, somebody so tight with their money that they would snicker at the thought of a weekend getaway. Somebody with mutliple divorces who can explain each one away starting sentence "well it was her fault".

See? I read Dr. Phil's books and can say 100 percent that you must "name it to claim it". I did with work and it's going pretty good. I did it with regards to deciding to get on with life and starting over when I was basically so frightened I was frozen to even try to make one step ahead. Now I'm doing it for dating.

What is it you really want in a future relationship? What is it you really don't want? I believe when you DEFINE THIS CLEARLY then you're ready to get out there...among the living..and brave the world of the singles.

Oh, and I recommend the movie "Under the Tuscan Sun"...watched it yesterday.

Also there's a great book that I recommend to BOTH sexes although it is written primarily for women. Called "Finding a Husband after 35". I used just a few of the techniques and had a full dance card ever since. Didn't really try internet approach though but it really worked for my neighbor...a former BS like us who has recently found Mr. Right and will be married this Christmas. BTW...she read this book and gave it to me. Book claims that if you follow each step you're "guaranteed" to find Mr./Ms. Right.

I liked the chapter on getting yourself together ...your "look" your "brand" you create.

peachy,

Got your email.

I understand how you feel about dating no kids men. Actually if you look at my profile on online dating I put NO on kids, I don't look for single mom. I would do it if my 2 D already out the home or hers. I know I could be a wonderful father figure, I have 2 D to prove it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> but I am not going to put my 2D to a blended family and neither hers. It is just not fair ! ... mine, hers and maybe ours <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . However life could throw us a curve, sometime we can't avoid bad luck or chase a good luck.

So you adpoted "don't ask and don't tell" policy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . I told my date about my female friends if she asks and it has came up. "What do you do last Friday ?" ... I wouldn't lie. However she knows that there is nothing with the others, just a friend. If she wants to be serious, let's talk but until then I would go for social dates with friends. Of course she would be my first choice to go with <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

There are friends, friends w/ potential R (social dates), casual dates, romantic dates and a committed date (I hope you only have one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> of this kind). I will go out as much as I could but I don't do casual dates <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . I only have one romantic date until it won't work out ... I have to learn to run at the first red flag sign. It is just me, a very simple martian, can't multitask <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

I know what I want but I have to find her. LOL!.

I always know you are a venusian <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

-rh-

I'm not a gameplayer, and I will not waste my time with shallow, indecisive women. I have held to the standards of what I am seeking in a woman, after being burned so badly the first time around. She must be Christian, honest, lively, energetic, sexy, and a view toward sharing in ministry. I have no problem if she has kids because I love kids and I have no qualms about raising a second family.

I brought these issues before God and laid them at His feet. He knows my heart. And by His grace and mercy He is already opening a wonderful door. So, I encourage you all to stand firm in your convictions and don't settle for second best. I also suggest that you NOT play games, be real, be honest, be caring, be yourself.

hurting Promise Keeper,

How do you approarch a lady ?. I wanna married you let's go to committed relationship ?. How do you know her if you don't go out with her ?.

What if she want to know you first but you want to jump into R ? she might not be ready but you might just take it wrong.

Anyway, R is as complicated as human mind ...

Define: Ready to Date Again

For me, "Ready to Date Again" means my heart, my soul, my gut .... my entire being tells me it's time. That, coupled with feeling near indifference towards my ex-H, as opposed to hate or any residual anger, which I still harbor.

For me, those are the indicators.

Based on my history, I know as soon as I decide to start swimming in that pool again, it won't be long before I end up involved and committed to someone. I want to be ready, and I'm not settling.

Jo

[ April 27, 2004, 05:23 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]

Jo,

and you will have a chance to pick that luck guy too ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

-rh-

Redhat - You raise some interesting questions and I certainly don't have all the answers. I can only relate to you what is happening in my case. First, my life vision and goals center around Christian ministry, so that automatically eliminates most women, because I feel that a ministry partner must ALSO be called by God. The was a big problem with my W, I was called and she was terrified. Secondly, as you can see from my earlier post, I have certain criteria for a helpmate that MUST be met BEFORE I will commit myself to M again. Those criteria also serve to eliminate a certain female population. Now, the list has been narrowed considerably.

Then, once I find someone who could potential fill the bill, I must find out whether or not we share the same values, morals, and other issues of compatibility. For me, I don't need several years to discover this in a woman. Either we are spiritually unified or we are not. I could care less what she looks like physically, I need a woman that is beautiful on the inside. My mate will be willing to sacrifice some of her "rights" and put some of her interests on the back burner, just as I am expected to in order to minister to her and fulfill my calling.

What I am trying to say is this - Have an idea of the qualities you are looking for in a soulmate. Write them down if necessary and use it as a checklist. Hold yourself to those boundaries, don't accept second best, especially if you have been burned the first time around. For some people this may well take several years. For me personally, it won't.

One last key that I will share is this - I trust that the Lord is ALREADY dealing with a certain woman who will join with me in a wonderful future. She, too, has certain expectations of a man that will please her and fulfill her. She is not willing to settle for any fish in the pond, either. In other words, let go and let God. He knows the desires of your heart and He will lead you clearly if you will allow Him TOTAL authority in the situation.

I hope that's some help and God bless!

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> Define: Ready to Date Again

For me, "Ready to Date Again" means my heart, my soul, my gut .... my entire being tells me it's time. That, coupled with feeling near indifference towards my ex-H, as opposed to hate or any residual anger, which I still harbor.

For me, those are the indicators.

Based on my history, I know as soon as I decide to start swimming in that pool again, it won't be long before I end up involved and committed to someone. I want to be ready, and I'm not settling.

Jo
<hr /></blockquote>Jo...
I completely, 100% agree with you. On all points. Including the one about it not being long before wanting to be committed once I decide to date. I'm there with ya girl.

skip (Kathy)

kathy,

I don't know why but I still flying solo ... I think it has to do what I want & my value and believe that would shrink the pool. But I believe it won't be the case for both of you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Promise Keeper,

I do know what I want and I also leave it to the Lord. However I am not sitting down and waiting in the couch. I have profile on online personals <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> . I completely agree with you on the smaller pool. I would not involve with separated or divorcing, that are majority out there w/ my age bracket (+/-5 years). My 2 D are mix races, Asian & Latina. This is also why I am shy looking into single mom. I am not ready for blended multiraces family. It is hard enough for the kids I won't add more stress into their life. She must be a Christian or willing to be one. One of my ENs is AS and I am not Brad Pitts. You got the idea how the pool is getting smaller. However I rather live alone and happy like right now than together with someone and miserable <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

There is someone for you & I but we have to find her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . The only thing that I really ask HIM is to have a wisdom to find her.

-rh-

[ April 28, 2004, 09:33 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by hurting Promise Keeper:
 Redhat - You raise some interesting questions and I certainly don't have all the answers. I can only relate to you what is happening in my case. First, my life vision and goals center around Christian ministry, so that automatically eliminates most women, because I feel that a ministry partner must ALSO be called by God. <hr /></blockquote>I have a curiosity question for you more than anything (and if this is thread-napping, we can start a new one if need be)...but I was wondering, when you write this, do you envision someone who is also a minister--as in a preacher??--or do you envision someone who has a ministry of her own who's ministry might be complimentary to your own? For example, do you believe you both need to have the spiritual gift of preaching or teaching--or do you believe you might be a preacher or minister, and she might in music ministry or childrens ministry. Do you see what I mean? How "narrow" have you envisioned this, and might it be possible for you to say, "Oh, I hadn't considered a complimentary call!"

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Secondly, as you can see from my earlier post, I have certain criteria for a helpmate that MUST be met BEFORE I will commit myself to M again. Those criteria also serve to eliminate a certain female population. Now, the list has been narrowed considerably.<hr /></blockquote>Quick question about this too. I understand the criteria thing because I have also contemplated first the characteristics I do not desire, and then conversely the characteristics and qualities that I seek--but how do you intend to find out of a lady has these qualities etc.? You can't tell by osmosis or by just looking, so I would assume there would have to be some time spent together say in a group...then maybe with each other but in a group...then just with each other. Somewhere in that continuum is "a date." My question is, where does it turn from interest/friendship/group into "a date" and then "dating"? I like your approach to having defined qualities and criteria, but how can you get to know someone enough to know if they HAVE those qualities without at some point going out on a date?? It's like a catch-22!!

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Then, once I find someone who could potential fill the bill, I must find out whether or not we share the same values, morals, and other issues of compatibility. For me, I don't need several years to discover this in a woman. Either we are spiritually unified or we are not. I could care less what she looks like physically, I need a woman that is beautiful on the inside. My mate will be willing to sacrifice some of her "rights" and put some of her interests on the back burner, just as I am expected to in order to minister to her and fulfill my calling. <hr /></blockquote>This all sounds very biblically sound, but how do you plan to put this into motion? I don't mean to criticize, but before you even meet anyone, it sounds as if you want her to put aside her calling in order to be a helpmeet for your calling. Oh, this is coming out wrong. Let me try again...I comprehend the concept of a wife submitting to her husband, and someone has to be in charge, but the part about the husband ministering to the wife often gets overlooked. Joyce Meyers is a good example of a woman who had the STRONG anointing of God and her husband let her calling be more public than his. My suspicion is that Joyce's calling was to preach and her H's calling was to manage her!! haha

My point, my brother, is that it is likely that the women you meet will have an interest, a calling, and a ministry of her own. Do you plan to be the wind beneath her wings and allow God to use her to her FULLEST (and His fullest) or do you think that the only and proper place for your wife would be "supporting and encouraging" you?

I challenge you to consider this...not change your mind, or agree with me, but just give it a thought. Speaking for godly, divorced women everywhere, I am experiencing a new joy in having the freedom to do what God has called ME to do and what God has given ME the gifts to do and do well. I can tell the He is working through me in mighty ways, and I don't really want Him to stop. So I think I understand what you're saying about your ministry, but what if your ministry is to be the one to raise up your wife??

<blockquote>quote:<hr />What I am trying to say is this - Have an idea of the qualities you are looking for in a soulmate. Write them down if necessary and use it as a checklist. Hold yourself to those boundaries, don't accept second best, especially if you have been burned the first time around. For some people this may well take several years. For me personally, it won't.<hr /></blockquote>You know what's funny? I have a very firm image (not visual but idea) of the kind of partner I'm looking for, and I know that I'm the kind of person who likes to be married, who likes to share myself and my life with another person, and who enjoys ministering to a spouse. I know this about me as surely as I know I'm breathing! And I thought is would be relatively easy to attract the kind of man I was looking for. SURPRISE! It's not as easy as I thought. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr />One last key that I will share is this - I trust that the Lord is ALREADY dealing with a certain woman who will join with me in a wonderful future. She, too, has certain expectations of a man that will please her and fulfill her. She is not willing to settle for any fish in the pond, either. In other words, let go and let God. He knows the desires of your heart and He will lead you clearly if you will allow Him TOTAL authority in the situation. <hr /></blockquote>Oh, I LOVE this!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> One of my favorite memories of me is that I starting praying for my H when I was young. Not the, "oh Lord help me find him" prayers, but the "Lord, be working in him now to develop the qualities you want" kind of prayers. And God is so funny. I would have thought He would send me a gentle, kind, funny, easy-going kind of husband (like me) and instead He sent me my EXACT OPPOSITE. It was quite a challenge, but it surely made me appreciate and understand better people who are nothing like me!!! I learned so much from my exH too--like how to be logical and think things through; how to work hard and be dedicated;, how to have faith and take a leap-of-faith believing it will happen; how to enjoy my senses and be aware of what I see, smell, hear, taste, and touch that is pleasing; and how to judge things and not see "all the possibilities."

I prayed that God would give my spouse the qualities I needed, and what I needed was not what I THOUGHT I needed. God did a good job and answered my prayers even beyond what I knew to ask. Isn't that cool?? This is why I'm a little afraid but mostly excited about the man I will eventually marry one day...because God is developing things in him right now that I do not even know that I need, but I need them!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

* * * * *

I realize that some of this post was a dialogue, but some of the things you wrote really struck a chord with me and I was just wondering about a few others...so I thought I'd ask.

CJ

P.S. Is it just me, or is it weird to "start" dating again in your 40's?? heehee

Redhat - You are on the right track so have fun and don't get derailed! God bless!

Faithful Wife - For once, someone that feels as I do! In answer to your questions - I don't have the belief that women should be in a position of preaching or teaching authority over men, so I would rule out a potential spouse that would insist on that. I would be very happy if she had a pulpit ministry to other women or children, or could develop some type of ministry exclusive of ministry to men. I would be delighted if we could share a marriage building ministry or something to that effect. In my case, I have the call to plant a church or assume the pastor role in an established, small church. My spouse must be willing to first tend the home fires then work in the church or develop her own ministry as time allows.

I agree that a relationship must first be established, but the unifying spirit (Holy Spirit) is either there to edify and build the relationship or He will direct another way. I think that quality, "alone" time is imperative, first with Jesus and then with my date. I'm a pretty perceptive guy and I will know very quickly if there is a spiritual connection. I will reiterate that I am more concerned about the spiritual/emotional tie than I am about physical appearance. We are both gonna get old and things will naturally start to sag anyway, so what's the big deal? I am 43, not 23, and PA is not a big EN for me. It's also critical to pray together as well as have fun together.

If you feel the Lord is leading you into a "frontline" type of ministry I would strongly suggest you pray for the Lord to raise up a man for you that is willing to accept your calling and support you. Communication is the key and all such aspects of ministry should be agreed upon BEFORE marriage, so everyone is on the same page. I applaud your vision and goals but just be sure he has the SAME outlook.

I also agree with you that your criteria will result in a greatly reduced "man pool" and more power to you! Stick to your standards and God will raise up that Godly man you so desire. In my case, He has already opened a door of relationship to me with a Godly woman and I am so grateful. Some would say that I need to wait for some specified time period to get serious again, but I am about my Father's business and His timing is my timing. I am accountable to my Pastor, a secular counselor, family, and Christian support network and they know that I won't rush blindly into another relationship without the Lord's leading. I was burned big time in my first M and I am resolved to NEVER enter into another M blindly.

Yes, it's VERY different to be dating in my 40's! My ex rarely had time for me so it's refreshing to have someone at my side who's interested in me and allows me to explore what makes her tick. I love the companionship aspect and the ability to relate to someone who can actually carry on a good conversation. I like being able to open up, be honest, and share myself. I like being a listener as she shares with me. It's like a breath of fresh air!

I keep forgetting about this thread - then see it and remember it again... LOL

jp ---

I think you have to find a focus within the dating/meeting people scheme that works for you. For me, open honesty and communication seems to work well. I'm not a game player, and I have a tendency to make decisions fast, on the fly - almost. I keep finding that I don't wait for the birds to fly, bells to ring, fire works to go off, or any of those other romantic notions that seem to determine for others what their relationship will be, before I speak up and say what I want.

Some men seem to find that refreshing, others run for the hills. I find the ones who run for the hills, tend to run from commitment on any level. I've also found that not every man who finds my openness refreshing is someone I want to be around forever. (They have to be open back - otherwise it's a wasteland of emotion for me.)

redhat -

To approach a lady, just look interested, be interesting, and ask her to share a cup of coffee. Or, you could call her and ask her to help you sort out your emotions from your last interaction with the oposite sex --- if she listens and talks you might find something in common. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Amazingly enough - you really and truly don't have to show up with a rose between your teeth wearing a tuxedo for your first date (a rose in a vase is a nice touch), and impressing the lady of your dreams will take only a sampling of your REAL best behavior, along with some open communication, and maybe some starlight and fresh breezes. Just be yourself, and share who you are.

Jo -

Quite honestly, settling for less than you deserve, will imediately result in you getting EVEN less than you settled for. Don't settle, and don't accept second best. The real thing - your REAL love - will happen in God's time. Just be available, be ready, and be yourself. You'll find there are plenty of fish in the sea. And there's one that will suit you perfectly - just search til you find him - or better yet - let HIM find you.

Prayer helps too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

hPK -

There's two little words you need to add to your vocabulary <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> "Yes, dear." Then along with your perscribed description of the perfect woman - you ought to find your perfect soul mate... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> The ILY's are always helpful too... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

CJ -

Are you really dating already <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Me too - it's fun isn't it - seeing what God has in store for you. I love the mystery and the promise that comes from waiting for God's BEST for my life. God has definitely had some interesting ideas along the way, I've learned a lot from my previous marriage experience, I'm hoping this time he has something less adventurous in mind. I'm ready for some scaled down enjoyment of life and maybe even a rocking chair on the porch at some point - you know - to sip lemonaide on Sunday afternoons.

I think the biggest point of contention I've seen in the dating arena is in the expectations of a new person with my kids. They are part of the package, going to be there for at least the next ten years, and hopefully there will be plenty of Granny time over the next thirty years or so - I love kids, and for some reason most men have seemed to think I could just 'send them to Dad' for a while... But I don't do that. They are part and parcel of the package. Me with them or nothing.

I'm not necessarily talking about 'dating' --- I can do that without the kids. An evening out doesn't bother me - they like pizza and movies, and my older ones can babysit now and then. It's the overall grasp of having children. Men in their forties seem to think children should be older and grown, or somewhere else.

However, I have found that there are men out there who are more than willing to accept a ready made family, some even want more children <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> so, it's really just a matter of finding the right man for the job/position/relationship... Maybe we should create a 'date resume' to help people find each other. Better than online dating. More appropriate than the church gossip. And more fun than the electric chair. If we can break life down to a single page of inspirational copy - we'll have a going business, for all those yuppy adults who are too busy to find a date for themselves.

hPK -

Focusing more on the spiritual aspects of a relationship is often the best way to determine how sincere one is. However, I've never been able to understand the concept of a 'soul mate' --- it seems that one would have to become some part of a shoe to meet that criteria. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> If that be so, I think I would want my guy to be the heel shank - if it's a perfect fit, doesn't matter what kind of socks you are wearing the shoe just fits very well and everything feels good, but if it isn't the perfect fit, your feet always have blisters and calluses, just walking through life is painful, and you can't wait to get rid of that pair of shoes and buy another pair. And, nobody I know likes to shop for new shoes. There's the shopping, the cost, the whole process of carrying them home in that big box, and lugging them into the house, then wearing them in, getting used to the way they fit and wear, and the whole thing aobut how often you have to wear them, when you can take them off and give your feet a rest, and when you have to put them on in the morning. It's just a really big pain in the toe.

I personally want a good sturdy pair of shoes that fits well, feels good, and will stand up to a life time of wear and tear. I'd like a pair of shoes that doesn't mind spending time in the closet, when I prefer to go barefoot - because there are just times when my toes need some fresh air and sunshine too. Buying new shoes is a pain in the uh huh! (And, I'm tired of blistered feet.) I don't mind polishing them now and then either, but I'm not really fond of doing it weekly, so they need to be strong enough to take a bit of wear before being polished.

Other parts of the shoe that might not be such good parts... the tongue --- always lapping and lagging, never very sturdy, and always in the way. The laces, always coming untied, if you are gonna be the laces, be sure you are tied in a double knot so you don't get all soggy and weighted down with mud and guk, otherwise you end up being replaced before the shoes are worn out. The instep thingy - you are soul support - you get nothing in return, but abuse and complaints. Whenever the feet hurt - it's your fault. The toe --- you know how often people wear holes in the toe of their shoes before the rest of the shoe is even worn in well. You don't wanna be all worn out and ragged do you?

Sincere is different than SERIOUS --- right???

Jan

Promise Keeper,
My church doctrine doesn't believe in letting woman to lead and preach either, actually it is harder on US, it called us to be leader ... it is not privilage but it is a duty that we have to be accountable when we meet our creator.

Not only dating in our 40's but also we are in this dacade that "date" means "SF" even before in comitted R as the norm ("test drive"). We are not only old but old school as well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . However even it is difficult I will find my one needle in the heystack.

Jan,

Soulmate ?. It is not the end goal but a by product from a fullfiling M. "one flesh, body, mind and soul". It not specially custom made for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> and it is not w/o work (4 gifts of love) and lots of POJA . I guess rather than try to find our soulmate we should say finding someone that has the potential becoming our soulmate <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

I has said I am not for single mom (preference). However life could throw a curve to me and I will take it and learn to build a blended family.

Live Learn & Love -rh-

[ April 29, 2004, 12:28 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]

Faithful - To expand a little on my earlier post, in my case (and this is just for me) I am strongly impressed that the ministry I am being led to is not for me alone, meaning that the Lord is right now preparing a woman to be by my side and experience an exciting ride. He has given me Scripture to confirm this and He is preparing my heart, and spirit, to receive this woman. He is accomplishing the same work in her. So our calling is to be a partnership as we share the same vision. We will have different administrations of that vision but the goals will be shared and our love for Jesus and each other will bring us through all obstacles.

I had absolutely NO intentions of dating anytime soon, but the Lord had a different plan. Our ways are not His ways.

I encourage you to keep doing what you are doing and He will bring a man into your life in His perfect will and timing. If you have been called to have a mate and ministry partner God will be your Provider and Enabler. God bless!

When are you ready to date again?

For me, it was when I was strong enough to get hurt again. Like most I started dating before that which left a wake of broken hearted women. It wasn't fair to them or me. Now I won't it say it wasn't fun though!

When I was ready I was lucky enough to meet the right person and healed enough not to mess it up!

We're getting married next Saturday.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Scrum:
We're getting married next Saturday. <hr /></blockquote>Wow ... congrat !. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

yes, congrats scrum. to you and all who find happiness!

[ August 09, 2004, 08:49 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by laura_lee:
Well, I haven't met him in person yet. <hr /></blockquote>Good luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

All, I want to share this from Dv Care tape for a very dynamic pastor, Dr. Tony Evans ...

"Find the LORD first for HE has the address of your future mate".

-rh-

Laura Lee,
How was your date Sunday night?
We want to hear about it!
Also, I've asked this question before, but would like to get it going again....
WHERE CAN ONE MEET POTENTIAL DATES????
I am the only single at my church...all of kids' parents are married....
If I wait around, will one just happen by my way?
KK

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by kk2002:
WHERE CAN ONE MEET POTENTIAL DATES????
<hr /></blockquote>Go to your target rich environment <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .

EHarmony.com is run by a well known Christian Conselor.

I like online since we could pre-screen

Here in BayArea we are spoiled by hightech ... we have event matching ... bayarealinkup.com ... if you don't like online.

If you are the opposite sex, do you want to date you ? If you become Ms. Right ... be patience Mr. right will show up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

-rh-

This was a very interesting thread!

Rh - I can certainly understand your point about not dating a separated woman! It certainly has some valid issues. Now - don't be mad at me - my divorce is not yet final & I am dating! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> My marriage really is over. I think you have seen me around here before, waffling back & forth toying with the idea of ending it. I had to get out of a serious depression before I could make the rational decision to do what is best for me - file for divorce! Now - if I can get my STBXH out of his little fog & let me move on with my life - we'd be doing something here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Like - Jen - I did some juggle dating for a bout a month. I figured, I really don't care to date just 1 person & be in a relationship. Well, a funny thing happened while I was juggle dating, I started picking up on little things about the men I was going out with that I could see becoming very, very big problems. One guy seemed to be a womanizer (as evidence by some woman calling me after getting my phone number through his e-mail <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) Another guy was casual dating - but was serious about another woman (well as serious as that could be <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ). Another guy - was too admant about trying to find his mate - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> - something I CLEARLY wasn't ready for!

And then finally - I met someone who seemed to share some of my same thoughts and beliefs, and amazing thing happened - I felt comfortable with him. I began to rethink the whole "dating" thing. Do you date folks you see have some issues or do you "weed out" those with issues. I opted for the weeding out process. Thanks to my STBXH, I started back down memory lane & realized he put off several red flags that I should have seen before I married him. Hindsight is 20/20, so now, I do a little check to see what my dates have going on. You don't have to pry very hard to find out either!

I the guy I'm currently dating is still part of the "weeding" out process. But at least, I can enjoy myself for the time being!

Vee,

I don't judge what you do ... it is your life and it is not mine. As long as you are ok by dating while separated and not try to convince me to date one ... we are cool ... lol!.

Take time to heal ...

Yup, all it is a weeding process. I gave my potential 2 red flags before I throw in my towel. Fails to do so we are asking for heartache.

Please don't let your kids around any man until your are comitted to each other ... I saw a video about children of Dv ... One kid, 6 yr. old, when asked what she would like to change from her current situation. She said I wish that everyday I wake up I don't have to guess who is on mommy's bed ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . They could survive Dv but what comes afterward usually are more damaging then the separation.

My last potential wanted to go to my kid's activities which I told her that I would not bring her until we are comitted to each other. My hunch was correct ... she is not the one.

-rh-

Rh -
I am SOOOO with you on that last piece of advice. My daughter is not involved in my dating process. I remember living that same life as a child (not quite the one mentioned by the child in the video), but very similar. Granted I wasn't 6 yo, but still - some of the men my mom dated could have been better suited to not have even met us.

During my "weeding process", anyone that was too gung ho on meeting my daughter was out. That's a gradual process! And for the red flags - you are better than me - 1 red flag - you're out. I don't feel like the hassle! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

OK, NOW I really need to chime in! You all have gotten to the place where I am right now: when do you introduce the kids to the person you are dating?
I have been seeing someone since the middle of December, after my D was final.He has 2 younger kids (5 and 7). He sees them every other weekend, plus one night a week.
I have 2 teenagers, who are with me most of the time. Their dad takes them about one weekend out of every month.
We have not met each other kids yet. We have talked about waiting - but I am not sure when to introduce them. In the case of his kids - they don't know that their dad is dating yet. They are younger, and it will be harder to explain to them.
My kids know that I am dating, I do not want to keep secrets. I tell them that I am seeing someone, but they will not be meeting him right away, until I can see if the relationship will work out. After all, I do not want to make them uncomfortable, like their dad did (dad left for OW, and tried to force kids together with her only 2 days later)
So, my kids seem fine with the whole thing, but the younger one is curious. "When is he coming over to visit?".
And recently it occured to me that I would not want either of my boys to date someone "seceretly" without bringing them home to meet me. Am I setting a bad example?
The parenting class I took suggests that you wait 6 months - we are apporaching the 6 month mark in June.
I know that Dv care suggests that you wait until you are talking marriage. But how can you talk marriage before you have had a chance to see if all parties are going to get along?
Any thoughts???

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by womanoffaith5:
I know that Dv care suggests that you wait until you are talking marriage. But how can you talk marriage before you have had a chance to see if all parties are going to get along?
Any thoughts??? <hr /></blockquote>Does "talking marriage" mean planning marriage, or does it mean seriously examining whether marriage is the right step to take because all signals so far seem to be "go"? I would have guessed the latter, in which case adding the kids into the picture would seem to be a necessary part of the process.

But I have no children and thus no advice...

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by womanoffaith5:
 .... when do you introduce the kids to the person you are dating?
<hr /></blockquote>When both of you are committed to each other ... not juggling each other ... to build a R toward M.

I told my 2 D that I am going out with female friends and when the time come w/ the right lady, I will start bringing her to our activities. I told them that I would like to make sure that we are right to each other before let them to meet her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

-rh-