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Redhat - You are on the right track so have fun and don't get derailed! God bless!

Faithful Wife - For once, someone that feels as I do! In answer to your questions - I don't have the belief that women should be in a position of preaching or teaching authority over men, so I would rule out a potential spouse that would insist on that. I would be very happy if she had a pulpit ministry to other women or children, or could develop some type of ministry exclusive of ministry to men. I would be delighted if we could share a marriage building ministry or something to that effect. In my case, I have the call to plant a church or assume the pastor role in an established, small church. My spouse must be willing to first tend the home fires then work in the church or develop her own ministry as time allows.

I agree that a relationship must first be established, but the unifying spirit (Holy Spirit) is either there to edify and build the relationship or He will direct another way. I think that quality, "alone" time is imperative, first with Jesus and then with my date. I'm a pretty perceptive guy and I will know very quickly if there is a spiritual connection. I will reiterate that I am more concerned about the spiritual/emotional tie than I am about physical appearance. We are both gonna get old and things will naturally start to sag anyway, so what's the big deal? I am 43, not 23, and PA is not a big EN for me. It's also critical to pray together as well as have fun together.

If you feel the Lord is leading you into a "frontline" type of ministry I would strongly suggest you pray for the Lord to raise up a man for you that is willing to accept your calling and support you. Communication is the key and all such aspects of ministry should be agreed upon BEFORE marriage, so everyone is on the same page. I applaud your vision and goals but just be sure he has the SAME outlook.

I also agree with you that your criteria will result in a greatly reduced "man pool" and more power to you! Stick to your standards and God will raise up that Godly man you so desire. In my case, He has already opened a door of relationship to me with a Godly woman and I am so grateful. Some would say that I need to wait for some specified time period to get serious again, but I am about my Father's business and His timing is my timing. I am accountable to my Pastor, a secular counselor, family, and Christian support network and they know that I won't rush blindly into another relationship without the Lord's leading. I was burned big time in my first M and I am resolved to NEVER enter into another M blindly.

Yes, it's VERY different to be dating in my 40's! My ex rarely had time for me so it's refreshing to have someone at my side who's interested in me and allows me to explore what makes her tick. I love the companionship aspect and the ability to relate to someone who can actually carry on a good conversation. I like being able to open up, be honest, and share myself. I like being a listener as she shares with me. It's like a breath of fresh air!

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I keep forgetting about this thread - then see it and remember it again... LOL

jp ---

I think you have to find a focus within the dating/meeting people scheme that works for you. For me, open honesty and communication seems to work well. I'm not a game player, and I have a tendency to make decisions fast, on the fly - almost. I keep finding that I don't wait for the birds to fly, bells to ring, fire works to go off, or any of those other romantic notions that seem to determine for others what their relationship will be, before I speak up and say what I want.

Some men seem to find that refreshing, others run for the hills. I find the ones who run for the hills, tend to run from commitment on any level. I've also found that not every man who finds my openness refreshing is someone I want to be around forever. (They have to be open back - otherwise it's a wasteland of emotion for me.)

redhat -

To approach a lady, just look interested, be interesting, and ask her to share a cup of coffee. Or, you could call her and ask her to help you sort out your emotions from your last interaction with the oposite sex --- if she listens and talks you might find something in common. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Amazingly enough - you really and truly don't have to show up with a rose between your teeth wearing a tuxedo for your first date (a rose in a vase is a nice touch), and impressing the lady of your dreams will take only a sampling of your REAL best behavior, along with some open communication, and maybe some starlight and fresh breezes. Just be yourself, and share who you are.

Jo -

Quite honestly, settling for less than you deserve, will imediately result in you getting EVEN less than you settled for. Don't settle, and don't accept second best. The real thing - your REAL love - will happen in God's time. Just be available, be ready, and be yourself. You'll find there are plenty of fish in the sea. And there's one that will suit you perfectly - just search til you find him - or better yet - let HIM find you.

Prayer helps too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

hPK -

There's two little words you need to add to your vocabulary <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> "Yes, dear." Then along with your perscribed description of the perfect woman - you ought to find your perfect soul mate... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> The ILY's are always helpful too... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

CJ -

Are you really dating already <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Me too - it's fun isn't it - seeing what God has in store for you. I love the mystery and the promise that comes from waiting for God's BEST for my life. God has definitely had some interesting ideas along the way, I've learned a lot from my previous marriage experience, I'm hoping this time he has something less adventurous in mind. I'm ready for some scaled down enjoyment of life and maybe even a rocking chair on the porch at some point - you know - to sip lemonaide on Sunday afternoons.

I think the biggest point of contention I've seen in the dating arena is in the expectations of a new person with my kids. They are part of the package, going to be there for at least the next ten years, and hopefully there will be plenty of Granny time over the next thirty years or so - I love kids, and for some reason most men have seemed to think I could just 'send them to Dad' for a while... But I don't do that. They are part and parcel of the package. Me with them or nothing.

I'm not necessarily talking about 'dating' --- I can do that without the kids. An evening out doesn't bother me - they like pizza and movies, and my older ones can babysit now and then. It's the overall grasp of having children. Men in their forties seem to think children should be older and grown, or somewhere else.

However, I have found that there are men out there who are more than willing to accept a ready made family, some even want more children <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> so, it's really just a matter of finding the right man for the job/position/relationship... Maybe we should create a 'date resume' to help people find each other. Better than online dating. More appropriate than the church gossip. And more fun than the electric chair. If we can break life down to a single page of inspirational copy - we'll have a going business, for all those yuppy adults who are too busy to find a date for themselves.

hPK -

Focusing more on the spiritual aspects of a relationship is often the best way to determine how sincere one is. However, I've never been able to understand the concept of a 'soul mate' --- it seems that one would have to become some part of a shoe to meet that criteria. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> If that be so, I think I would want my guy to be the heel shank - if it's a perfect fit, doesn't matter what kind of socks you are wearing the shoe just fits very well and everything feels good, but if it isn't the perfect fit, your feet always have blisters and calluses, just walking through life is painful, and you can't wait to get rid of that pair of shoes and buy another pair. And, nobody I know likes to shop for new shoes. There's the shopping, the cost, the whole process of carrying them home in that big box, and lugging them into the house, then wearing them in, getting used to the way they fit and wear, and the whole thing aobut how often you have to wear them, when you can take them off and give your feet a rest, and when you have to put them on in the morning. It's just a really big pain in the toe.

I personally want a good sturdy pair of shoes that fits well, feels good, and will stand up to a life time of wear and tear. I'd like a pair of shoes that doesn't mind spending time in the closet, when I prefer to go barefoot - because there are just times when my toes need some fresh air and sunshine too. Buying new shoes is a pain in the uh huh! (And, I'm tired of blistered feet.) I don't mind polishing them now and then either, but I'm not really fond of doing it weekly, so they need to be strong enough to take a bit of wear before being polished.

Other parts of the shoe that might not be such good parts... the tongue --- always lapping and lagging, never very sturdy, and always in the way. The laces, always coming untied, if you are gonna be the laces, be sure you are tied in a double knot so you don't get all soggy and weighted down with mud and guk, otherwise you end up being replaced before the shoes are worn out. The instep thingy - you are soul support - you get nothing in return, but abuse and complaints. Whenever the feet hurt - it's your fault. The toe --- you know how often people wear holes in the toe of their shoes before the rest of the shoe is even worn in well. You don't wanna be all worn out and ragged do you?

Sincere is different than SERIOUS --- right???

Jan

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Promise Keeper,
My church doctrine doesn't believe in letting woman to lead and preach either, actually it is harder on US, it called us to be leader ... it is not privilage but it is a duty that we have to be accountable when we meet our creator.

Not only dating in our 40's but also we are in this dacade that "date" means "SF" even before in comitted R as the norm ("test drive"). We are not only old but old school as well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . However even it is difficult I will find my one needle in the heystack.

Jan,

Soulmate ?. It is not the end goal but a by product from a fullfiling M. "one flesh, body, mind and soul". It not specially custom made for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> and it is not w/o work (4 gifts of love) and lots of POJA . I guess rather than try to find our soulmate we should say finding someone that has the potential becoming our soulmate <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

I has said I am not for single mom (preference). However life could throw a curve to me and I will take it and learn to build a blended family.

Live Learn & Love -rh-

<small>[ April 29, 2004, 12:28 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

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Faithful - To expand a little on my earlier post, in my case (and this is just for me) I am strongly impressed that the ministry I am being led to is not for me alone, meaning that the Lord is right now preparing a woman to be by my side and experience an exciting ride. He has given me Scripture to confirm this and He is preparing my heart, and spirit, to receive this woman. He is accomplishing the same work in her. So our calling is to be a partnership as we share the same vision. We will have different administrations of that vision but the goals will be shared and our love for Jesus and each other will bring us through all obstacles.

I had absolutely NO intentions of dating anytime soon, but the Lord had a different plan. Our ways are not His ways.

I encourage you to keep doing what you are doing and He will bring a man into your life in His perfect will and timing. If you have been called to have a mate and ministry partner God will be your Provider and Enabler. God bless!

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When are you ready to date again?

For me, it was when I was strong enough to get hurt again. Like most I started dating before that which left a wake of broken hearted women. It wasn't fair to them or me. Now I won't it say it wasn't fun though!

When I was ready I was lucky enough to meet the right person and healed enough not to mess it up!

We're getting married next Saturday.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Scrum:
<strong>We're getting married next Saturday. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow ... congrat !. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

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yes, congrats scrum. to you and all who find happiness!

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<small>[ August 09, 2004, 08:49 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by laura_lee:
<strong>Well, I haven't met him in person yet. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

All, I want to share this from Dv Care tape for a very dynamic pastor, Dr. Tony Evans ...

"Find the LORD first for HE has the address of your future mate".

-rh-

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Laura Lee,
How was your date Sunday night?
We want to hear about it!
Also, I've asked this question before, but would like to get it going again....
WHERE CAN ONE MEET POTENTIAL DATES????
I am the only single at my church...all of kids' parents are married....
If I wait around, will one just happen by my way?
KK

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kk2002:
<strong>WHERE CAN ONE MEET POTENTIAL DATES????
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Go to your target rich environment <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .

EHarmony.com is run by a well known Christian Conselor.

I like online since we could pre-screen

Here in BayArea we are spoiled by hightech ... we have event matching ... bayarealinkup.com ... if you don't like online.

If you are the opposite sex, do you want to date you ? If you become Ms. Right ... be patience Mr. right will show up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

-rh-

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This was a very interesting thread!

Rh - I can certainly understand your point about not dating a separated woman! It certainly has some valid issues. Now - don't be mad at me - my divorce is not yet final & I am dating! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> My marriage really is over. I think you have seen me around here before, waffling back & forth toying with the idea of ending it. I had to get out of a serious depression before I could make the rational decision to do what is best for me - file for divorce! Now - if I can get my STBXH out of his little fog & let me move on with my life - we'd be doing something here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Like - Jen - I did some juggle dating for a bout a month. I figured, I really don't care to date just 1 person & be in a relationship. Well, a funny thing happened while I was juggle dating, I started picking up on little things about the men I was going out with that I could see becoming very, very big problems. One guy seemed to be a womanizer (as evidence by some woman calling me after getting my phone number through his e-mail <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) Another guy was casual dating - but was serious about another woman (well as serious as that could be <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ). Another guy - was too admant about trying to find his mate - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> - something I CLEARLY wasn't ready for!

And then finally - I met someone who seemed to share some of my same thoughts and beliefs, and amazing thing happened - I felt comfortable with him. I began to rethink the whole "dating" thing. Do you date folks you see have some issues or do you "weed out" those with issues. I opted for the weeding out process. Thanks to my STBXH, I started back down memory lane & realized he put off several red flags that I should have seen before I married him. Hindsight is 20/20, so now, I do a little check to see what my dates have going on. You don't have to pry very hard to find out either!

I the guy I'm currently dating is still part of the "weeding" out process. But at least, I can enjoy myself for the time being!

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Vee,

I don't judge what you do ... it is your life and it is not mine. As long as you are ok by dating while separated and not try to convince me to date one ... we are cool ... lol!.

Take time to heal ...

Yup, all it is a weeding process. I gave my potential 2 red flags before I throw in my towel. Fails to do so we are asking for heartache.

Please don't let your kids around any man until your are comitted to each other ... I saw a video about children of Dv ... One kid, 6 yr. old, when asked what she would like to change from her current situation. She said I wish that everyday I wake up I don't have to guess who is on mommy's bed ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . They could survive Dv but what comes afterward usually are more damaging then the separation.

My last potential wanted to go to my kid's activities which I told her that I would not bring her until we are comitted to each other. My hunch was correct ... she is not the one.

-rh-

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Rh -
I am SOOOO with you on that last piece of advice. My daughter is not involved in my dating process. I remember living that same life as a child (not quite the one mentioned by the child in the video), but very similar. Granted I wasn't 6 yo, but still - some of the men my mom dated could have been better suited to not have even met us.

During my "weeding process", anyone that was too gung ho on meeting my daughter was out. That's a gradual process! And for the red flags - you are better than me - 1 red flag - you're out. I don't feel like the hassle! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

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OK, NOW I really need to chime in! You all have gotten to the place where I am right now: when do you introduce the kids to the person you are dating?
I have been seeing someone since the middle of December, after my D was final.He has 2 younger kids (5 and 7). He sees them every other weekend, plus one night a week.
I have 2 teenagers, who are with me most of the time. Their dad takes them about one weekend out of every month.
We have not met each other kids yet. We have talked about waiting - but I am not sure when to introduce them. In the case of his kids - they don't know that their dad is dating yet. They are younger, and it will be harder to explain to them.
My kids know that I am dating, I do not want to keep secrets. I tell them that I am seeing someone, but they will not be meeting him right away, until I can see if the relationship will work out. After all, I do not want to make them uncomfortable, like their dad did (dad left for OW, and tried to force kids together with her only 2 days later)
So, my kids seem fine with the whole thing, but the younger one is curious. "When is he coming over to visit?".
And recently it occured to me that I would not want either of my boys to date someone "seceretly" without bringing them home to meet me. Am I setting a bad example?
The parenting class I took suggests that you wait 6 months - we are apporaching the 6 month mark in June.
I know that Dv care suggests that you wait until you are talking marriage. But how can you talk marriage before you have had a chance to see if all parties are going to get along?
Any thoughts???

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by womanoffaith5:
<strong>I know that Dv care suggests that you wait until you are talking marriage. But how can you talk marriage before you have had a chance to see if all parties are going to get along?
Any thoughts??? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does "talking marriage" mean planning marriage, or does it mean seriously examining whether marriage is the right step to take because all signals so far seem to be "go"? I would have guessed the latter, in which case adding the kids into the picture would seem to be a necessary part of the process.

But I have no children and thus no advice...

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by womanoffaith5:
<strong> .... when do you introduce the kids to the person you are dating?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When both of you are committed to each other ... not juggling each other ... to build a R toward M.

I told my 2 D that I am going out with female friends and when the time come w/ the right lady, I will start bringing her to our activities. I told them that I would like to make sure that we are right to each other before let them to meet her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

-rh-

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